Brainless Baby

My lovely Piglets (lol, yes that has actually stuck now, sozzles). I must say, I was quite surprised with the response to the tough talking post from yesterday. It does seem like it actually may be a little useful to trash talk people... LOL. I say lol and soz a lot lately and I hate myself for it. Lolsies, for realsies, sozzles, sozzlekins. Fuck sake. I need to start talking like an adult again. I have been working since I woke up this morning and now I literally feel like one of those babies born without a brain. Vacant. That is totally a medical condition btws, didn't make that shit up. Judith will verify! JUDITH! 

Day 11 of my detox is complete, and I'm almost halfway. I lost 0.4kg this morning. So the total for the week is 0.8. So far. It isn't great but at least it is a loss. I'm slowly starting to feel like my old self again. Thin. My cheeks are getting thinner, my belly is flatter, my arms are looking good. I just need to see those chest bones again and I'll be a-for-away. To recap for those that asked, the detox is quite simple. No added sugar (which includes artificial sweeteners as well, i.e. splenda) - I have had one thing with artificial sweetener in it though, but compared to the fifteen thousand litres of diet soda I go through in a week... No alcohol - this has sucked but I've replaced it with cheddar (smokeables, if you know what I mean). No legumes, grains or starch, no dairy (I'm drinking milk though in my coffee, because fuck you) and no potatoes. Basically, I've been living on protein (chicken, tuna, eggs), fruits, nuts and veggies. When I saw veggies, I mean carrots. Raw carrots, because I HATE vegetables. Literally, unless it is covered in sauce of some description, I won't eat it. Well there are a few exceptions, salad greens and raw veggies I'll eat, peas, corn... uh zucchini.. mushrooms, beetroot, peppers... Yeah that's it really. My sister is forever on at me about not eating vegetables, but fuck them, because I don't like em. Okay, enough about vegetables. JEEZ PIGGY CALM DOWN! 

My intake for today is about 820, which is fine and I'm happy with it. It consisted of my regular coffee with honey, a pear, a peach cup, two scrambled eggs and a chicken breast. Amazing how much that is actually for 800 calories, fuck me. Oh and an orange, but I have eaten that yet. Anyway, hoping for another lb loss tomorrow, wish me luck. I'm going for a consult with my tattoo artist tomorrow. Boom!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Listen Up Fat Asses

If you are looking for a sign, THIS IS IT. I am SICK. I am sick and fucking tired of listening to you bitch about being fat. The buck stops here. You don't need to wait till Monday to start a fast, a diet, a new eating plan. You don't have to wait till tomorrow morning. Put down the cake, step away from the fridge and start now. Every time you say no to food, you say yes to being thin and eventually you will find yourself saying no, more than you give in. Put the food down. Yes, it is really hard. Yes, you will fail sometimes. Yes, you are going to be miserable and unhappy while you get used to the new diet. But let me tell you, that the feeling that you have of not only achieving a goal, BUT the confidence of being able to leave the house without feeling like a whale. Without crying yourself into a panic attack because you are too scared of leaving the house because of your fat. These are the things that make it worth it. Just imagine what it feels like to go out and know that you are not the fattest person in the room. If you don't think that it is worth it, go back to your cake. But for FUCK SAKES. Stop. Bitching. You think being skinny is easy? It isn't. You think that denying your body the normal human satisfaction of eating is simpler for some people? Those people aren't us. We work very hard for the weight that we lose. In fact, we mostly dedicate our lives - every waking thought - to food. Get over it. Or get on with it. Because I am over you. Savvy?

Anyway, enough about that. It needed to be said. Today, I'm feeling really good. Cutting out the carbs in my diet has really had a remarkable change on me... which is so weird because I didn't think it would. I have a lot more energy and I don't feel like I need to sleep all day. In addition my belly is looking so flat. I'm going to measure it now to see what is happening, but I'm convinced that it's flatter even though I'm still fat. I only lost 0.2kg AGAIN this morning, so I'm a little bleak about it. But. It is time for my period in the next day or two, so I'm hoping that after my period I'll just drop 3kg overnight... Wishful thinking? I've had about 540 cals today so far and I have some chicken to go for dinner and possibly an orange. So far today I've had two scrambled eggs, 85g of tuna, a banana and a plum. Oh and my regular coffee and honey. It is actually about... 450, but I always total the milk and honey in my coffee for the day when I'm planning, so that total is inclusive of coffee that I'm yet to drink or may not have at all. As much as I really love being on this detox, I am still mentally planning the binge that I get when it's done. I'm going to take one day and eat like a crazy person, before starting another month. Or maybe two weeks at a time. I want cheetos, pizza with extra cheese, mac and cheese, chocolate and chocolate granola. Oh and a BIG bag of crisps. You know, even as I say that right now. I don't find the thought of those foods particularly appealing. Hmmm... maybe it is true what they say that if stop eating certain foods, your body stops craving them... hmmm... This detox has given me a lot to think about. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I said "Yooooo Halloooo"

I must say ladies and Will, that I absolutely j'adore getting comments from people to say that they are new and that they can relate to something on my blog. It machen me a tres happy Fat Piggy. In the words of that awesome little fox on Mary Poppins. "Yooo Hallooooo. Yes, yes. I say. YOO HALLOOO!"

I don't really have much to say today, except that I only lost 0.2kg this morning on the scale, but it's a loss. So I suppose I shouldn't really be bitching. I'm aiming for another 5lbs this week. So day 9 of the detox has been successfully completed, but not without substantial bitching and hating from my side. I had about... I'd say... 1400 cals for the day? I had two chicken breasts, 85g of tuna, a whole assload of raisins and cashew nuts, a couple of fruits and coffee. So all in all, it wasn't bad food. But still I was aiming for 800 for the week. I console myself that at least I am sticking to this detox properly and haven't cheated yet. Tomorrow will be better. However, now that I think about it, the fruits that I had were all negative calorie fruits... So maybe my intake was only... 900? That makes me feel a little better actually. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S TOO HIGH. YOU'RE TOO FAT. STOP EATING PIGGY. STOP EATING. I really really despise that food has such crazy control over me. I wish that I didn't concern myself with food. That I could be magically oblivious to whether or not I ate.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Anxieties and Dramas

Something that has been on my mind recently with all the anxiety about returning to Cape Town in April has been the bit about friends or being forgotten, like I'd never left. I wrote about that yesterday. Just to be clear, I'm only going back to visit my family, not permanently or anything. FUCK that shit, they are never trapping me there again. An extension of that of course is making a mental note of the people that you want to see and the people you want to avoid. Now, like I said yesterday. I don't want to be that sad person that tags along to parties I don't want to be at, just for the sake of having a social life while I'm there. But the other side of it, is not wanting to spend time with certain people for the very same reason. I recently found out that my very best friend from university was talking major shit about me before I left, particularly with regards to my weight. Now, fair enough. But I also know, because we've known each other for so long, how jealous she was of me being skinnier than her and how much she loves the skeletal look of models. So, fuck her. Fat bitch. The other thing is that I don't want to be around people who are constantly waiting for me to grow up. For the young readers of this blog, basically what happens when you and your friends finish university is that some of them go off and get 9 -5 jobs, suits. Have kids. Buy cars. No tattoos. No mid-week drinking, no drama. And then there is me, who is determined to not hate my job. I am determined to love what I do and to remain absolutely awesome, rock bottom, crazy, wild and keep my life interesting. Live. Not conform to what our parents generation were like, mediocre careers, wife and two kids. The unfortunate thing is that so many of my Cape Town friends are like that and truly believe that it is the way that life is meant to be lived. So, when I trot in with my white blonde hair, tattoos and stupidly short skirts, fucked eating habits and prattling on about the energies in the universe. Don't forget the fact that I refuse to stop fucking swearing. I don't give a shit. Anyway, they are constantly waiting for me to change, to grow up. Or to conform. Does that make sense?

Anyway, so day 8 of the detox is complete. I've had about 750 cals today, which I'm happy with. To recap, this week is my 800 a day week. It consisted of honey coffee, sesame turkey (which I made myself, no oil or anything), a pear and an orange. There were a lot of cals in the honey today, since I have like half a spoon in my coffee and then there was a whole tbsp in the sesame chicken. Oh and, the biggest news is that since last monday - or since I started the detox, I have lost 4.5lbs. Whoop. Hopefully, I can lose that much this week again. Yeaaaah buddy. 

Thanks to all my followers, new and old. I generally don't answer comments in my posts, since I usually forget what was asked by the time I get round to reading blogs and then writing a new post. But, nonetheless, I always appreciate the feedback and support. If there is anything specific that you guys wanna know from me, you can email me or post in a comment, I'll remember eventually.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Bang Those Drums

I suppose I should say something profound and meaningful today. But I just don't really have that much to contribute. Day 7 of the detox is completed and I still have had only the things that on the detox. Nothing else. I was thinking maybe of continuing this 'eating plan' after the 30 days is over and giving myself one 'open day' a month where I can eat things that aren't on the detox plan. I didn't weigh this morning because my friend was here and by the time she left I had already had a cup of coffee and then its just not accurate. But then I also ate a mountain of fruit, so I doubt I will have lost very much. Actually. Wow, still nothing meaningful to say... Ladadidadida. 

This week is going to be quite busy with work, so I have spent today sort of gearing myself up for it. I'm going to go to sleep in about an hour and then hopefully get an early start tomorrow. La dum. BANG BANG BANG BANG! 

I'm starting to feel anxiety about going back to South Africa in two months, because what if no one wants to see me and I end up sitting around like I do here. I mean, I know in theory that it just won't happen, but I don't want to be that sad person that came back and no one remembered that I existed. God, ANXIETY. 

I so desperately want to have a crush on someone, but no one that I meet even comes remotely close to someone that I could see myself dating. I mean, I know that I'm not a relationship person because I am so insanely picky about men. But I miss having butterflies and someone to direct some positive energy into. Fuck sakes. 

Love & Deep Breathing

800-Mazing!

Well, I actually managed a day of fruit and restricting calories today quite reasonably I'd say. And more importantly than that, I managed to stay within the detox. To be honest though, according to the original detox I saw, I wasn't allowed any dairy, caffeine and artificial sweetener. I still have coffee with milk though. Because god be damned, if I don't get that. I'd shrivel and die. And then with that is the new Monster Zero Cal. It is my new favourite zero cal energy drink. So, fuck it. I had one of those. But it terms of staying away from chrisps and chocolate, pasta, pizza and bread and shit, I have managed six days. Only 24 to go. Tomorrow I am going to try to stick to 800 again. The benefit of drinking so much coffee is that it really does work as an appetite suppressant. I am mutantly paranoid however that my teeth are going to turn brown. I have this weird obsession with teeth. I do pay a lot of very close attention to peoples teeth. If I'm looking at a dude, he can't have nasty teeth. Maybe crooked is fine, but like nasty decaying and British. NEIN!

I feel like I'm having a fairly spectacular rant right now... Oh so what I did today. I went out with this friend of mine to Greenwich and we chilled in the park and drank coffee. Then missioned to get a bit of cabbage and came back to mine. It has been cool, because she's ED so there is no pressure from her to eat. Which there is with most friends. If you spend more than four hours with someone the topic of food is likely to come up and she doesn't think I'm strange for saying no. It's cool. I have smoked an exponential amount of cheese tonight and this may be a stoned mumble...

I am so fat at the moment. My cheeks are just so enormous. I am enormous. I am however determined to lose all of it by the end of February. I saw a list of 100 greatest novels of all times. On that list, there were two that I had read. Both of them were books that were prescribed to me in second year English literature... it may have even been first year. ANYWAY, my point is. And I know this next statement makes me a bit of a freak, but I don't read a lot of books. I read when I'm on the tube which is rarely. A book takes me months to finish. The reason why is: Law school. I had to read SO much in law school, it just about drowned me. And now, I just associate reading with wanting to fall asleep. Because of the amount of time you spend reading as a law student. So I don't read a lot of novels. That's my dirty little secret. What's yours?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Post Title.

I'm feeling a bit... Mergh today. I'm not sure why. I have a bit of work to do, which I am mostly on top of and I managed to get my writing done today. I'm still feeling very positive about the novel idea and I think quite a great deal about it, particularly in developing a strategy about publishing the damn thing. I think what I may do is self-publish, because there seems to be a measure of success in doing that. I need to get editors as well. So, I suppose closer to the time, I thought I'd ask some of the peeps who read this, if they want to read the book. I dunno. Anyway, one track mind. Something which I am worried about is that some of the stuff in the books is exaggerated versions of actual things that happened to me and I worry that if anyone I know reads those situations and remembers them, they'd think that I was lying or something. I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway, as long as it is made clear that the book is not a memoir. How exciting it is to write a fucking book, hey guys? I know Miranda, Sam and Winter are also working on books. I'm having a serious love affair with the Smashing Pumpkins at the moment. I listen to them way too much, but they are JUST SUCH AMAZING MUSICIANS!!

My detox is still going. I'm on day 5 now, almost finished as I'll be going to bed soon. Yesterday, I had a good intake with just some fruit and coffee. Today has been a really high calorie intake of nuts, fruit and some chicken. But on the plus side, I still haven't cheated on the detox. So I'm not 5 days in and I haven't had chocolate or chips... or any regular binge food (like pasta, potatoes and pastries). As of Monday, my days are going to be detox specific and calorie limited to 800 calories per day. And the week after that I'm going to drop them a bit more. I'm hoping because most of the diet is fresh fruits and vegetables that even if I eat a lot of it, it won't turn into fat. I do feel kinda healthy I suppose. At the moment, I am just trying to stick to the detox. I am getting thinner according to the scale. I promise to share the number with you guys when I'm ready. But right now, I really just can't deal with the numbers even though I know you guys won't judge. I just can't actually let it be known how much of a failure I am. It's so awful. But I console myself by knowing that I am at least doing something about it. Just got to stick to the detox. (Although, even though I'm detoxing from carbs and salt, I'm still getting loads of caffeine, but only from coffee and tea, not energy drinks and zero cal soda - which allegedly is part of the detox- you know getting rid of chemicals and crap - HELLO COFFEE).

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Detoxing...

So I'm on day 4 of the detox and actually, so far so good. I mean. I have been eating way too much fruit and like... nuts, but haven't had anything that I shouldn't of. Ya dudes, it's good. So today being day 4 with absolutely no carbs, salt or dairy is going to be controlling calories to under 600 for the day. I really have been hitting the fruit hard, I feel like a bit of an orangutan like shoving fruit into my face. But it won't be like that today. Oh and raw almonds.

I'm super fucking high right now. I don't know what to write about. So, heartbreakingly, I weighed myself on my new scale and it is just awful. I feel absolutely enormous. Just huge as a whale. I'm not overly sad or depro about it, just really pissed off that I've let myself go so badly. But, this detox is going well and I'm just going to make damn sure I get right again. It really does prove that there is no such thing as not paying attention. It feels good to get back in the routine or weighing every morning. A rigid belief that certain foods are just not allowed. Yeah, been stoning for like... this is the third day in a row now. But to be fair. It is icy as fuck outside and I don't believe that it is actually safe to be out there. I mean, it's the goddamn icecapades out there. Next weekend is my new tattoo :D And I've also set myself the target of going out once a week to write somewhere. Like in Starbucks or something. I have to say, despite being enormous, I really feel like this novel thing is a good idea. I mean, if worst comes to absolute worst, I can always self publish. And even though that may be a little bit lame. I don't care.

Oh, and tattoo pics:

Something like that. But it needs to be smaller than the one on the girl in the pic, because it is on my collar bone/chest shoulder. Like. It can't go onto my arm at all and it needs to be a little smaller than my hand. So it's small, but I want crazy colour and lots of it. I'm going to the tattoo place next week to see what they can come up with. But stoked.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

FUCK IT IN THE ASS!

Today, this week, this life can just go fuck itself. I'm so fucking over life today. Fuck it in the ass. Everything on facebook irritates me today. My fat friend from South Africa has yet again failed a diet but wants to bitch about how fat she is. And I don't have the patience. More than that, she is fucking *splode*. There is this girl, whom we both dislike, but there was a stage at the beginning of the year where we were friends and the whole duration of the friendship, she'd say shitty things about this girl, because yes she's a bitch. And now alllll she wants is to be friends with this girl again, so she isn't on the fucking shortbus. NO, dude. NO. It is not okay to sell yourself out to the people who deem to be cool. We are not in highschool. Furthermore, if you haven't noticed, the shortbus is where we thrive. jesus. So there is that. I have spent the weekend comatosed from bong smoking and snow. So I've been eating like a horse and of course my scale arrived today, so now I have to deal with that. I'm going to wait till tomorrow before I weigh myself. Because I was so high, I'm now behind on my writing, but I am going to catch up today after I've done some work.

I'm going to start a month long detox as of today, with no added salt or sugar, no carbs, no alcohol, no dairy. For a month. So today is day 1. Anyone is totally allowed to join my month long detox. I'm hoping to lose 5kgs/11lbs in the month. We can do this. FUCK TODAY IN THE ASS! And I've also decided that while I am fat, I am going to get a new tattoo on my shoulder... like collarbone type area. Of a peacock. I wanna get it done at the end of this month when I get paid. OH and the working title of my book so far is 'sociopath'. Basically just a story about a functional sociopath who uses everything around her to get what she wants. Well... that's kinda what I'm chowing down on right now. Hopefully, this will be my ticket to LA.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Empowered.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think I may have found my willpower again. Yesterday was day 3 with no binge and ended up on 350 cals. Today so far, I am already on 370 cals, although to be fair I have been awake for like... 6 hours and I'm going to have a nap now. I have some left over low cal thai curry from last night that I'm going to have later and then I should end up on about 700 for the day. Which I'm cool with. I'm easing myself back into it. I had three small eggs scrambled with no butter or oil, fried mushrooms, also no butter or oil and then a mango. Now, I know that it seems like it is a lot, but I have been craving scrambled eggs and I don't eat eggs. EVER. I haven't eaten eggs since I left Cape Town ten months ago. I don't do eggs. ANYWAY. And I went to the store to get eggs and mushrooms, and walking there I said to myself that I was allowed to get a small bag of Cheetos if they had them and by the time I got there, I was like. Ooo bitch, I don't need it, I don't want it. Nothing else for me. 

I need to get my scale so that I can start seeing the victories. VICTORIES! But I do feel like my face is less fat than it was three days ago, so I'm hoping to be somewhere around 60kgs when my scale arrives. I know I can't be more than 64, because I still have the thigh gap. So IT SHOULD BE FINE. Now, the title of my post. The longer I get into my normal eating and the emptier I am, the stronger I feel. Right now, after only three days and I'm sure there are going to be major hiccups before I get to 114lbs again, I feel invincible. I feel like I am stronger and more powerful than anyone else. I am Coco right now. And that is also the exact attitude that I am going to take to my book. I am strong. I will get published, even if I have to self-publish, cuz there are a couple of ways to do that successfully. I'm not letting anything stop me. 

I had this weird thought about my ex last night and I'm starting to wonder if I am losing my mind. But at the end of the day. It will only help the creative process. YES WE CAN! 

Strength & Pashminas 

Xo Xo

Realizations

You know when all of sudden the penny drops and you have a rare moment of clarity, well that has happened to me in the last few days. I have been toying with the idea of writing a book for some time now, like as in dedicating my life to being a writer. A proper writer. Well, I have started working on two book concepts in the last few months, but I kinda lose interests, because lets face it. 90000 words doesn't just fly from your finger tips. Anyway, well I have actually decided that I am going to start putting in productive amounts of effort into writing my first novel. Well, as far as it is based on my own personal experience, it will be a memoir, but I don't want it to be published as such and I am definitely going to fudge some facts. Anyway, so the first book is basically going to be a collection of party stories from the last year of my life, put together around some ruse of alcoholism and a girl falling apart. I have decided that I don't want there to be any moral value or lessons to be learned from the story. I want it to be stories of self-destruction. My second book, assuming I get through the first is going to be my piece of defamation on my ex, with the fictional element being that instead of being rushed to the hospital following my overdose last year... er... 2011, I died. On my couch, the way I intended. So, I'm going to focus on doing that for the next few months and until I get it finished, I am going to do some research on finding an editor and an agent/publisher. Because as much as I really don't mind self-publishing, getting under the brand of a publishing house will be great.

There are a lot of insecurities that I have with it of course. Firstly and most importantly is the way that I write. I mean. I don't often write in full sentences and I tend to write exactly the way I would speak or think it... So hopefully it won't fuck up my chances of actually publishing too badly. Who knows. Anyway, so my project. I am going to try and commit to writing 2000 words per day and in that way, I should be done by my birthday at the latest. I think with some dedication and hard work, I should be able to get it right. YAY for realisations.

I fucked up my fast again, big surprise, although instead of going on a crazy binge, I ate like... 1200 calories. Then yesterday/today, I have had 300. I'm happy or okay with it. I mean. It is way better than a binge. I also realised, shockingly enough that I haven't had a smoke in like three or four days. Go fucking me. I am completely in love with Cheetos at the moment, not least of which because a big ass bag of them is 450 cals and if that is all I eat for one day, I'd be so happy with that. My scale should arrive in 3 days, so I have 3 days to get my weight down so I don't have a heart attack when I see how much of a fat nasty pig I am.

And then lastly in this post, I would like to thank as always my beautiful lovely skinny wonderful followers who consistently leave beautiful remarks on this blog. It really means a lot to me. A strange thing that I experience on this blog is that people come and go quite a lot and the blogs that I started reading a year and a half ago when I started this dribble are mostly obsolete now. People have gone into recovery, deleted the blogs or just stopped posting altogether. If I may, please if you leave a comment and I don't follow your blog, leave the url in the comment so I can follow it. I don't really comment all that often, but I do generally keep up with them.

Muchos Amore & Cheetos
Xo Xo

Los Angeles or Bust!

So I've made a decision that I would like to share with you all... And I'm sure you can guess what it is by the title of the blog. I'm going to move to LA just as soon as I can figure out how. So I think that my plan is going to be to finish my Masters in England and then go to the States. It is damn nearly impossible for me to get a visa to go there without studying or something, so it looks like I will do my Phd there. LA is my lady. I feel like it is the right place for me. Also, in other travel related news, Marrakesh is happening next month for five days with some friends of mine. I'm so excited for the adventure. I've figured out that the reason why I'm eating so fucking much is because I am bored beyond belief. I spend my life currently doing three things: Sleeping, working and watching series. And when I watch series, I eat. Every time I settle down to watch something, I want to eat. Tomorrow, I'm going to go for a run in the morning when I wake up. Cuz that is doing something. Then I'm going to do my laundry and then in the evening is yoga. Doing something. Also, I have a date with this shit hot french/columbian dude on Thursday. Well, it was meant to be Thursday, but I postponed till next week, because I am feeling too fat to function. The scale I ordered will hopefully be here by the end of the week, so I will know just exactly how enormous I am.

I need to be skinny of Marrakesh, because fuck me if I'm going to look enormous in my holiday pictures. I'm SO excited about Morocco, like I really can't wait. And then in March, I'm going to Dublin for my birthday, which is on St. Patricks day, so you know that is going to be awesome. OH WAIT, I was talking about the date guy. So, I met him just before New Years on my crazy night with those two young Swedish people. GUYS, I need to start a blog for my party escapades. I don't want to shove that kind of crazy information in your faces if you don't want it. BUT, his English is awful which basically means that I won't actually date him properly, because I am a talker. I talk. And I love talking and debating and talking shit and laughing about word jokes. In my experience, you can't do that with foreigners. Anyway, that being said, this guy is hot. Like, I consider him to be way out of my league kind of hot. He is a yoga instructor. Just beautiful, so I figured it really can't hurt. ANYWAY.

So with my realisation that I eat out of boredom, I am going to make a conscious effort to understand that when I watch series I want to eat like a freight train and in so realizing, that I need to fight the urge. Also with the realisation that I'm so bored, I need to get my ass into gear and actually do things with my time. That don't involve drinking. God, I drink way too much. I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE TO LAS ANGELES. Anyone wanna marry me for a passport? Anyway, so I'm fasting at the moment and just going to see how long I can go. Currently, I am at 18 hours. And I'm about to go to sleep. So I'm hoping to at least make it a 72 hour fast because I don't have much work to do for the next few days and with that I don't need my brain to be sharp at all. yesssssss.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Knowing Thyself

Thanks for all the rad ass comments on my last blog post... You know, a lot of the things that people say to me about the things on this blog really come as serious news items to me, because in a lot of ways I don't see myself the way other people do, but at the same time, I mean we all have a skewed perception of ourselves. One thing I will say though, is that I don't know who I am, I'm not sure of myself. In fact the thing that I do the best is that I am a chameleon. I can be whoever I want to be at any point in time. The problem with this of course is that it means that essentially, I am not one person. I feel like I'm a complete mess ball of different things according to how the wind is blowing on that particular day. I hate it, but I love it.

Today, I have a lot of work to do and I'm supposed to see my shrink, but I'm going to reschedule for next week. I just can't face her today. I'm going to work in bed and sleep. And if I get all my work done. I'm thinking maybe a bottle of vodka. Who knows. Fuck. My. Life.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

25 Things that I Believe

So, I had this idea. You know there are always the lists that we do on our blogs, 25 things about me, 25 things that I like. Of all the lists I have ever written, none of them have ever stayed the same. Interesting things about me and things that I like change over time. I mean, I'm very definitely not the same person that I was when I started this blog 18 months ago. But hell, I do believe that my beliefs about life have never changed and before we commence the usual torture of calories and the ever present lard that encases my body, I thought I would share 25 things that I truly believe about life and people. Here goes:
1. I believe in love at first sight.
2. I believe in soulmates.
3. I believe in peace above anything else.
4. I believe that honesty is overrated.
5. I believe that people are inherently good, but that other people poison the well.
6. I believe that people are who they are and will never change.
7. I believe in the universal pull of give and take - karma if you will.
8. I believe that I will change the world.
9. I believe that religion is an important part of the world, because it gives people faith and strength in the face of challenges that they do not believe they can meet - EVEN THOUGH I do not believe in religion or god for myself.
10. I believe that all people in every war are terrorists - there is a fine line between fighting for what you believe in and becoming a terrorist.
11. I believe that no state should be religious, because you should never enforce religious beliefs on any persons, that it should be an assumption of independent choice.
12. I believe in ghosts and spirits, and that sometimes the line between these worlds is blurred. And I believe this, not because I am a ghost-buster, I believe this because of quantum mechanics and the idea of parallel dimensions in space and time.
13. I believe in equality, for everyone, ALL the time.
14. I believe in abortion in order to stop the oppression of women based on gender.
15. I believe that I can bring people and forces to myself by putting out positive energy into the universe.
16. I believe that if I were an animal, I would be a cat.
17. I believe that I am absolutely mental, but that in order to be great, I can't expect to be average.
18. I believe that tequila can solve any problem.
19. I believe that crying is an action of getting rid of poisons in your body and that you need to cry in order to heal.
20. I believe that no one has the right to judge anyone else and that the majority of the problems in the world are based on people thinking they are entitled to do so.
21. I believe that I have the right to decide how I live and how I die.
22. I believe that the world is getting more stupid and that the future is one where we are ruled by idiots.
23. I believe in fate and the idea that there are no random occurrences - everything that is meant to happen will happen and everything happens for a reason, whether to steer you in a certain direction or to teach you a lesson.
24. I believe that the value of one life is worth the same as the lives of millions.
25. I believe that I am never really going to be happy, but that it is the life that I have chosen and in that, I find happiness.

Wow, I'm actually surprised how vulnerable I feel about writing those things. I kinda feel like a bit of a hippie but hey whatever. The usual torture is that today I have had about 530 cals. Not including all the tea I know I'm going to drink later, so lets say my total for the day will be about 630. TOPS. I'm still feeling so SO bloated. Someone sent me this meme which was the idea of having a jar (or in my case, a GIANT moneybox) into which you put little notes about things that happen that make you happy. Then at the end of the year, you read those notes. So I've started doing that. Not that there are a lot of happy things happening at the moment, but! I've put two notes in so far and I'm hoping to have many moments of optimistic awesomeness in the year to come. I feel like I am bi-polar-ly swinging between extreme optimism and extreme pessimism. Whatevs.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Miserable Failure

So, I failed miserably on the fast. Instead of fasting, I ended up eating about 1600 cals yesterday. The shame, the miserable fucking shame. Disgusting worthless Piggy. FAILURE PIGGY FAILURE! I have however figured out the root cause of my shittiness. It is because I don't have a scale. I kinda thought I would get around to buying one at some point, but now I see the absolute necessity of it. So I've ordered one and it should arrive by next Monday. Thank god. Until then. FUCK. Anyway, so then I was going to restart today and then realised that there was just no chance on the planet that it was going to happen and then I ended up eating a big ol' bag of Cheetos. I really do have a serious weakness for crisps. Anyway, the cheetos weren't TOO bad, since I have only had 450 cals today in total. So definitely better than yesterday. I feel so disgusting and bloated. Anyway, 450 cals. It's okay Piggy. Calm down. Breathe. Just breathe.

I feel like I am rapidly losing hope about this year in general already and we're only a week in. I'm trying to rediscover my gusto after New Years and I'm sure I'll find it. So first things first. I need to stay on top of my work. And make sure that I do it properly and not half-arse it, like I tend to do with everything. Second thing. Yoga twice a week. I missed yoga today because I was completely exhausted for some reason, I'm always fucking tired. Thirdly, stay on top of my laundry and cleaning. I am going to get a white board and write up a schedule for this shit, because otherwise I just won't ever get it done. I wish there was a late night laundramat around here somewhere, because I really am the 'do it at 3am' kinda person. Fourthly, make more of an effort to keep up with friends in a constructive way. So I'm setting myself a budget of 20 pounds when I go out for drinks. Not because I want to save money, but I really need to start paying more attention to how much alcohol I put in my body. Like, I can spend 150 in one night. And girls, my liver is not getting any younger. Fiftly, get back down to 55kgs. I can do this. I want to try and be really good until my scale arrives so that I won't be horribly shocked when it gets here. I still have my thigh gap so that means that I can't be that far off 60. But need to make sure. I miss being excited in the morning about waking up to a lovely number.

WE CAN DO THIS. I can do this. I want to buy a new laptop as well. But travelling starts next month. So I need to mindful of money. Yes We Can. OH and it looks like I'll be back in Cape Town for a few weeks in March/April. A little bit excited. A little bit scared.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Fast till Friday?

I've decided that I am going to fast till Friday. As of. 4am this morning. Yes, sadly, late night binging. Whoop  fast fast fast. So I'm... 14 hours in and feeling great. Still feeling quite bloaty after all the junk I ate last night, but whatevs. So the fast will be till 4pm on Friday afternoon I think, which will make it 108 hour fast. Wow, that actually doesn't seem too long. Mmm. This will officially be the longest fast I've ever tried and I'm really keen to make it.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

So, 2013.

Well, it has been so so long since I last posted, okay well a week. But in that week, I feel like a lot has happened. I managed to fast until the 30th, when I went out and had a completely mental party with these absolute douchenuggets of individuals, but nonetheless had a pretty good crazy party. I actually am starting to think that I need to write a journal about my partying escapades, because they seem to just get crazier and crazier. ANYWAY, I really won't get into that night. But hellz bells. Anyway, so New Years eve rolled round and I was feeling... alright. Because of the drinking, there was a little eating and I wasn't feeling as thin as I may have liked by the time I left the house that evening. But I did end up having the most smashing time ever. I got ridiculously drunk (DRINKING ON AN EMPTY STOMACH FTW) and made out with a very cute boy... and then his friend, who turned out to be a better option, because he then shoved me into a cab and dragged my fabulous ass off to a party in Euston in an abandoned factory. Now let me state for the record that I was far too old to be there and far too... uptight lets say. There were no lights. No toilets. Just really loud music, strobe lights and fucked teenagers EVERYWHERE. Everyone was on drugs, everyone was on their own mission. We did a little bit of MDMA and then things got exponentially better. We then left that party, because the dude wanted to buy some coke. Which he did. aNd A LOT OF IT. And then we went back to a house party in Morden. And then something completely magical happened. I met this guy. Who is perfect. I have never had that kind of connection with a man since my ex and I sat on this hill on mushrooms talking for hours. And that is what I did with this boy. His eyes completely swallowed me. It was magical. The ballache of it all is that he has a very lovely polish girlfriend. However, I only met her the next day because she was sleeping. We exchanged contact details. I said to him that I respect his relationship with her and I would never want to break anyone up, but I think he's perfect and if he ever wants to give me a call, then he must give me a call. I haven't heard from him. Which is sad. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I found someone. Someone perfect. And that tells me. That there must be other perfect people out there. I'm not alone in this world. And Roy was not my soulmate. OH THE RELIEF!! I know it is so crazy, but I honestly never ever thought that I could totally be myself around another person who just one hundred and fifty percent gets me. And I did. And it didn't take me years to find him. so, there will be another. I can't tell you guys how much optimism that gives me.

2013 started on a great note. Now if only I can get down to 50kgs. So I'm realigning. This optimism has given me new strength to start myself eating in a way that will get me there. I didn't eat for two days besides the alcohol and then feeling like ass and needing to work, I crammed myself full of nasty stuff. Although. Not actually THAT much. So today I have had a small pot of peaches (91) and a coke light (0). I'm going to make myself some thai vegetable curry later and there will be coffee, because I have a lot of work to do. Tomorrow, I'm going to visit a friend in Reading. I'm quite excited. I have such a good feeling about 2013. I hope everything is going well for you all also. :) Maybe, I won't have to walk this road alone.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo