Realizations

You know when all of sudden the penny drops and you have a rare moment of clarity, well that has happened to me in the last few days. I have been toying with the idea of writing a book for some time now, like as in dedicating my life to being a writer. A proper writer. Well, I have started working on two book concepts in the last few months, but I kinda lose interests, because lets face it. 90000 words doesn't just fly from your finger tips. Anyway, well I have actually decided that I am going to start putting in productive amounts of effort into writing my first novel. Well, as far as it is based on my own personal experience, it will be a memoir, but I don't want it to be published as such and I am definitely going to fudge some facts. Anyway, so the first book is basically going to be a collection of party stories from the last year of my life, put together around some ruse of alcoholism and a girl falling apart. I have decided that I don't want there to be any moral value or lessons to be learned from the story. I want it to be stories of self-destruction. My second book, assuming I get through the first is going to be my piece of defamation on my ex, with the fictional element being that instead of being rushed to the hospital following my overdose last year... er... 2011, I died. On my couch, the way I intended. So, I'm going to focus on doing that for the next few months and until I get it finished, I am going to do some research on finding an editor and an agent/publisher. Because as much as I really don't mind self-publishing, getting under the brand of a publishing house will be great.

There are a lot of insecurities that I have with it of course. Firstly and most importantly is the way that I write. I mean. I don't often write in full sentences and I tend to write exactly the way I would speak or think it... So hopefully it won't fuck up my chances of actually publishing too badly. Who knows. Anyway, so my project. I am going to try and commit to writing 2000 words per day and in that way, I should be done by my birthday at the latest. I think with some dedication and hard work, I should be able to get it right. YAY for realisations.

I fucked up my fast again, big surprise, although instead of going on a crazy binge, I ate like... 1200 calories. Then yesterday/today, I have had 300. I'm happy or okay with it. I mean. It is way better than a binge. I also realised, shockingly enough that I haven't had a smoke in like three or four days. Go fucking me. I am completely in love with Cheetos at the moment, not least of which because a big ass bag of them is 450 cals and if that is all I eat for one day, I'd be so happy with that. My scale should arrive in 3 days, so I have 3 days to get my weight down so I don't have a heart attack when I see how much of a fat nasty pig I am.

And then lastly in this post, I would like to thank as always my beautiful lovely skinny wonderful followers who consistently leave beautiful remarks on this blog. It really means a lot to me. A strange thing that I experience on this blog is that people come and go quite a lot and the blogs that I started reading a year and a half ago when I started this dribble are mostly obsolete now. People have gone into recovery, deleted the blogs or just stopped posting altogether. If I may, please if you leave a comment and I don't follow your blog, leave the url in the comment so I can follow it. I don't really comment all that often, but I do generally keep up with them.

Muchos Amore & Cheetos
Xo Xo