So apparently, my 'eating disorder' - I still question whether or not I have this, as I really don't think there is anything wrong with me - is more akin to Bulimia than Ana. HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT? Because I don't purge/abuse laxatives. I thought this meant that I couldn't possibly be bulimic. I know, definitely knew, that whatever my weird eating habits are, it definitely isn't anorexia, because I'm not even thin, let alone thin enough for ana. ANYWAY, so I was reading proanaonline.com last night and my cycle of binging and fasting is actually a bulimia vibe. WEIRD!!! Because for the past two months, I have been binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. I stopped restricting a while back - the 500 a day vibe, because I found that I liked fasting better. AND NOW. Wow. Anyway, so that's my little nugget of info for today.
I binged yesterday after a two day fast. I had a huge late, a sandwich with lettuce, tomato and cream cheese, two chicken schnitzel breasts and some pasta stuff (360), so I think I had about 1000 cals. I haven't eaten much today, I mean fuck okay. SO OTHER NEWS - I have been dropped from the fashion show on the 30th, but pretty resolute that I am going to change agencies. Because this one just isn't promoting me. SO, gonna cancel my shit with them on Monday. SO after finding this out, obviously in a fucking god awful mood when I got home. I then got invited round to the neighbour for a drink and I nibbled on some snacky things, but definitely less than 200. SOO I have had 200 cals today. Going to try keep it under 500. Wow, I feel like 300 cals for today is actually quite a little feast I get to look forward to... hmmm. OO I totally want soup!
Back to the mia vibe, I obviously don't think I am bulimic, I just thought it was interesting that I am more symptomatic of that than any other eating disorder. I am defo's not ana and I don't like EDNOS as something that defines me, because well... Anyone with a weird eating habit could be EDNOS, so maybe EDNOS is just a catch all. I dunno. I am just serious about being skinny. That's all. Maybe I am a tiny bit eating disordered, but whatever - who isn't.
I was watching a bunch of ED related youtube videos yesterday. WOWOWOWOW amazing thinspo. I hope I don't get forced into recovery. But then, I don't think I will ever get bad enough to need it. AND ALSO, I think it's really fucked up, but I do expect to gain all the weight back. In other words, I expect, like with most things, to fail miserably.
WOW this has turned into a fuck depressing post of note. Wha'evs. I have a headache. I feel like some coffeee.... hmmmm... If anyone has any good links or anything to share, please can you send them to me.
Peace, Love & Courage
Xo Xo
4 comments:
hey girl! I have not been diagnosed, but I know that I am bulimic... (but see even when i type that to you a little voice in the back of my mind still goes "but I'm not REALLY bulimic, just acting that way for now. I could stop if I wanted to.)
But yeah i KNow that I am, i binge, starve binge starve, starve starve BINGE.. lol
I have been trying to change that... like when I get offered/ there is no way of getting away from food, i wish i would just nibble and then go back to starving, rather then eating my parents or myself out of house and home. It's so rediculous! So annnyways... i ate last night so now ill have to start this whole thing over again...30 days till december 20th. that's how long I have to starve.
were you the one that was open to having people text message you? Cause I would love that! Then every time i want to binge i could just msg you!
xx
-G
I identify myself as EDNOS cause I don't think I'm anorexic or bulimic and EDNOS, like you said, is for every other kind of disordered eating.
It sucks about the fashion show, it sounded so exciting. I hate it when plans fall through like that.
I live in Joburg and I've been here my whole life.
You from Joburg as well? I always figured you were a Cape Town gal. This weather is schizo, last night I was like put jacket on, take it off. So irritating!
Gold Reef was pretty expensive and especially since none of the water rides were working. But what an adrenaline rush :)
Hahaha I totally know what you mean by expecting to gain all the weight back...I shouldn't be laughing, but I definitely anticipate it too. I also get the "no way I'm not anorexic, I'm too fat to be anorexic" <--total anorexic mindset. Hahaha. Sorry, again, shouldn't be laughing, but it's because I know EXACTLY what you mean. I hate being labeled bulimic too since I never purge (vom) but I do binge/restrict and exercise my binges, which makes me bulimic too :( I just feel like bulimia is so gross and fat but whatevs. It's not worthwhile to really label it. We're all fucking weirdos. xox
Interesting wee bit from the medical world. There is apparently HUGE debate right now about the whole EDNOS thing. A lot of psychiatrists argue that the fact that more than 80% of those with EDs fall into EDNOS mean that the criteria for ana and mia are too restrictive and crap. There is a call for ana and mia criteria to be redefined to give more people a more accurate diagnosis because lumping everyone in EDNOS is obviously not just incorrect, but lazy diagnostic practice.
Ah, sucks about the runway show thing. Get a new agency. Sorry girl, things will pick up for you!
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