Fucking Eating Disorder!

The exam went alright. I know I did pretty well at the first two questions, but the third was SO hard and counted a third of the paper. All I need to do is pass. All I need to do is pass. All I need to do is pass. Another exam on Monday, so I need to get my ass in gear for that as well. Because I know I can get a first in it. SO I need to do it. Going to try not go out tonight, unless a friend of mine whom I invited to a late Halloween party agrees to come with, then I will go. Otherwise, just going to visit my mom. Which is going to be amazing, because I will have to dress like a yeti so she doesn't harp on about my weight again. She said to me earlier in the week "Are you eating at all." - I was like - ya duh... Just not as much as you think...

I meant to fast yesterday, but before the exam I had some crisps for energy - gotta keep up with exam nutrition - NOT and then a sandwich later, because the boy was NOT impressed that I had said I was hungry and then when he said he wasn't going to have dinner, I said I wasn't either. So he bought two sandwiches and made me eat it. Luckily my sister had come to visit so two birds with one stone and she ate all the potato wedges that accompanied the sandwich. I'm pretty sure I made it to about 600ish yesterday. Going to try for a fast today. :)

I can't eat in front of people anymore. I can't have people watch me eat. It's ridiculous. I won't have the judgment of someone going - oh no, you should put that down tub of lard. Also, so I ate 600 cals yesterday. How is it that even that amount is just TOO much. I woke up this morning feeling like I had eaten a shiton of food yesterday. All bloated and disgusting. Like when I stepped on the scale I would be back up to 68. Which is ridiculous. But I remember when I started this blog, I'd have a fasting day until dinner time and I figured since I hadn't eaten all day, I may as well shove as much into my stomach as possible, because how much can a person possibly eat in one session right? This was also back when I was aiming for 1200 a day. (RIGHT!?) Anyway, then the next morning I'd wake up and feel all bloated and disgusting. Because I'd have for example, like two huge enchiladas. I felt like that this morning. Like I'd eaten a MEAL AND A HALf. It is so stupid, but it's just that thing you know. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. This morning I weighed in at my new lowest weight ever. 62.3kg. Which is fabu-fucking-lous. Stoked. Hoping to be in the 61's by the end of the week then in the 60's by the end of next week. Gonna try fast today. Probably won't happen, but maybe. :)

I am busy with job applications at the present moment and also looking for some online volunteering opportunities. We shall see how that all pans out. I just need to find a job so that I can move out and get to England. Let's do this. My sister may be coming with me now to London, seeing as how her relationship is also failing. Mutha fucken men.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo