Blogs, EDs and Thanks

So yesterday, I got an email from a girl in college in England who is studying the effects of media on eating disorders... or the link. or something like that. And she asked if I would answer some questions for her sociology... something. Alcohol haze. Anyway, so the questions are basically aimed at looking at the influence that these blogs make on eating disorders etc etc. You get the picture. And it got me to thinking you know. On one hand, these blogs are definitely triggering, because people read them and as if the misery that is my life isn't appealing enough, it does 'encourage' people to have develop eating disordered patterns. But those people. I don't think those are true eating disordered types. Those to me are the people that will eventually recover and lead happy lives. I think there definitely is potential that people that have recovered may be triggered by these blogs and slip into ED patterns. But then, can you really attribute responsibility to my blog (our blogs), if they were seeking out blogs like ours, clearly there was something that was triggering them long before they stumbled upon my dribble.

On the other hand. Without this blog, without others' blogs, without the constant support and love that I get from this online ana community, I'd be lost. I'd be dead. I would no longer be walking this earth. It is through the understanding and love that I get from this blog, the messages that. Although they are short and shallow, they mean nothing really, I don't know who they are from. Without those messages of understanding telling me that I can make it through another day. That I won't be fat forever. That Roy is an assbag fuck nut. Without those little words of encouragement, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be sane either. Because as a bulimic or anorexic, you think you are absolutely nuts for thinking the things you do. Or for wanting to saw your body in half just to be tiny. But then you read blogs and you see that you are not alone. That your crazy thoughts just aren't that crazy. And that keeps you together a bit, just for one more day. And we all know that the pain and the hurt can only be dealt with one minute at a time. And then one by one I get emails saying that some lovely beautiful flower has commented, telling me that it is all going to be okay. Or that they understand how I feel. I also feel less lonely, I feel like. Everyone in my life passes me by. No one knows that I stare in the mirror and draw invisible lines with my hands on all the pieces that i'd like to staple together and cut off. But I can say those things. And you won't tell me 'oh just eat something.' ... if only it were that simple.

So I guess what I am saying. I am saying that I am sorry if I have triggered any of you reading this blog. I am not pro-ana. I say this over and over and over. But as selfish as it may be, I NEED this blog. I NEED the support. I NEED this help. Because no one understands. No one gets it.

I'm still fat.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sad and Lonely Drinking

... I do this quite a lot. Sad and lonely drinking that is. And then invariably I end up sobbing along to songs that remind me of Africa. I guess no matter how much I HATE what Cape Town represents for me, you can't remove my Africanness from me. Africans are loud and friendly. They are giving, kind, caring, involved people. There is no such thing as being invisible in Africa. I miss that. I feel like the British just aren't vibrant the way we are. I feel like I need to accept the fact that I LIVE in London now and that things just aren't like that. Eventually I think I'll let it go. But hear me now. I am an African. I will always be an African. And I wouldn't want to be anything else.

During my sad and lonely drinking I could see my reflection in my oven door. My face is so fat, my double chin, my fat thighs, my fat fat cheeks. Fat neck. Fat arms. OMG my thighs. I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS FAT NOW! Can't I just cut if off. I mean. Its fat, it won't bleed that much right? I'm seriously considering lipo. Like seriously. Or gastric bypass. I wonder if they would. I'm sure if I went to a dodgy doctor in Mexico I could have it done. OMG. I am talking so much CRAP right now. I know that it would kill me. But I'd be skinny. I mean. Isn't that better? I feel so lost at the moment, like I have no purpose. I started writing my novel today. It starts like a tragic run of the mill love story. Rehashing the details of what has happened to me has not been fun, but I'm trying to keep it to fiction, so a little embellishment here or there.

I have very little to contribute. I was down another kg today. So I am slowly creeping back to my weight that I am meant to be. Fuck what I said before, I want to look sick. I want to look like a strong gust of wind could blow me away. Its getting so cold. Today was about 800. Could have been better, but I forgot about soup that I had for dinner, so i stupidly had a snack thinking I had calories left, which I didn't. Dumb dumb stupid fat piggy. Piggy needs to be kicked in the ass by Coco. COCO MY LOVE!! Where have you been? Coco isn't fat. Coco doesn't cry. Coco is going to kill me if she knows how bad i've gotten.

Tragic & Miserable
Xo Xo

Marching On

Well this weekend ended up as a disaster, because I went out on Friday and Saturday night and got hammered. But had a really really good time, despite looking like a normal idiot, who is in no way skinny and beautiful. So I am back to 62kgs today. All my hard work from last week. But nevermind. I WILL be under 60 by Friday. No matter what. Today will be a 500 day. I have had 200 so far which has included two cups of coffee and a largeish salad for Lunch. I am having soup for dinner. Tomorrow and the rest of the week will range between 400 and 800.

I am finding that more and more, I am becoming conscious of the fact that I know if I fast, I will end up binging. My hope is that if I keep my calories consistent then I won't feel the need to binge. Although to be fair, even though I ate crap this weekend, I did not eat a lot of it. I wouldn't call it binging. I mean. I didn't eat myself to the point where I felt like I was going to explode.

Now, lets get down to business. Girls, as ya'll know. I am obsessed with the Killers/Brandon Flowers. DID I tell you that they released a new album this week. And Mumford and Sons. So two of my favouritist bands in the whole wide world released albums within days of each other. Now listen. There is no point to me telling you this, except that if you love me, you need to listen to these. *wink wink* Lol. No I'm kidding. I'm just saying in case anyone who loves 'em didn't know.

I met a man on Saturday night who is the loveliest thing on the planet, and looks like Matthew from Downton Abbey. You know. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and just SO lovely. He is a chef. But, he didn't ask me for my number. To be fair, it was an awkward parting and he didn't kiss very well. Maybe i'll see him again. Its a pity, but then. He doesn't kiss well. I LOVE kissing and if he don't kiss well... well you get where I'm going with this. It just won't work. And he's Australian. And je heart Aussies so much. There is a boy from Cornwall that is currently on my case, but he has a funny incisor. And teeth are important to me. Although, my ex had teeth like a horse that took teeth steroids, so perhaps I shouldn't be so fussy. Whatevs. I also rode a mechanical bull. Like a whore. There really is no way of doing this without looking like a whore. True story. It was fun, although. My thighs are so sore.

Mumford & Daughters
Xo Xo

Religious Funde-Fucking-Mentalists.

Being a creature of politics myself, I have taken quite an interest in the upcoming US general elections and obviously being the literal valued economist that I also am, Obama is an obvious choice. But there is this fucking asshat on my facebook who fucking will take any fucking opportunity to cause a debate about Obama (and religion), it just so happens that this guy is facebook. Now, I am not one to shy away from a debate, but you know the feeling when you are debating with a complete nimwit, times that by fifteen and this is the level of retard we are dealing with. He doesn't believe in gay marriage, or gay "marriage" as he calls it and he believes abortion is murder. And as a result of Obama rightly believing these things should be legalised, apparently this makes Obama a tyrant. Now. Firstly, if you don't believe in gay marriage, I love you all dearly, but get the fuck off my blog. You can't help it who you are and who you love. I mean seriously. Anyway, but the abortion thing. Firstly, it is obvious that abortion is killing something, I mean you are ending life in the same way it would be if you pulled a plant out of the earth, you're killing it. Obvious, but because this has gone through processes of legalisation it is not murder. And no matter what you personal feelings are on it, it is not murder. Now, I'm not sure if I would have an abortion if I fell pregnant, but I appreciate the fact that politicians are hard at work to protect my rights to have a choice in when I decide to have a family and how. As a legal scholar I support abortion, personally, I'm not sure whether i'd go through with it, but god be damned some of the people I know that have had abortions - thank fuck it is legal, because those people as parents... We dO NOT need more fucked up people in the world. You know. Raise your kids right. ANYWAY, so now that I have laid this down. I respect peoples opinions on the matter, but don't take away the choice of women when their right to have that choice does not affect yours. As in, if you don't agree with it, don't do it. But anyway, this guy. Oh he grates my cheese something awful. And he will base his argument on semantics of the grammar that I am using instead of actually making any valid points. OMF. Sorry, I needed to rant. And the worst part of it all. THE ABSOLUTE KICKER is that I can't tell him what an ignorant stupid fuck he is, because he is engaged to one of my good friends... which means I can't delete him either. And he lives in England, so its not like i can delete and forget. WHAT a nobface. 

Anyway, so went to my friends house and had a couple pistachio nuts and quite literally like two sips of wine. So my total for the day is under 500. This included oatmeal for brekky, a salad for lunch, coffee and then the wine and nuts. Lol. Nuts. I feel like I could go to sleep and pass out for a year, but I actually do have stuff to do. But fuck it. I'm going to sleep. Well watch the Colbert report and K.O. Good night lovely petals. 

I just realised a little irony in my rant. I'm ranting about him being intolerant, but I'm intolerant of people that don't support gay marriage. Whatever. I can handle varying opinions on the death penalty, abortions, economic policies, but not the gays. Because darling. Its equivalent to racism as far as I'm concerned. I.e. discriminating against people on the basis of something fundemental to who they are. People cannot change their skin colour anymore than they can change their sexual orientation. So homophobes out there. You know who you are. 

Love & Peace

Xo Xo

Naked Thinspo v2.0

Wow, I haven't posted thinspo in age-balls. But here is some of my favourite kind, the naked kind. I feel the need to say however that I don't like this because I'm a big ol' perve. This to me is real, because it is what I want to see when I look in the mirror. None of us aspire to be skinny in clothes only. We want to know that when you strip down the layers, the skinny is there. How amazeballs is that second pic though? This gives me a better idea of what I am striving for, because in magazines they airbrush out the ribs and the hips, so it isn't real. This on the other hand, you can see what your body is meant to look like when you are a size zero. Just saying. Going to post properly later after the day is done, because i'm going to friend now and I'm determined to report back about how I didn't eat shit while I was there. 

500 or 5000

Sooooooooo, Monday was a success and ended on about 550 cals for the day and woke up yesterday morning at 61kg. Which was fabulisimo. Then yesterday, I fucked it up at a friends house, because she had a thift sale thing because she is immigrating to Brazil. All these Polish and German people, like here have pizza, have cheese have this and that. And I went there with the intention of saying no. But I had a peanut, and it was over. Then about 4 small slices of pieces, so much cheese and cured meat, crisps, nuts, a couple glasses of red. Not enough to feel full, but constant nibbling over a few hours. You know how that goes. Fuck balls. Anyway, so then I came home, but before I did I had a chat with my friend about Roy and his engagement. Which obviously mad me very sad, so I came home and had to stay awake so I could watch a live stream of a Killers concert - which was mutha fucken epic *happy penguin dance* and in the process started drinking. Then ran out of Jack, so I went to the store to buy more wine and got pasta in the process. Just pasta though, which although it was still something I wasn't meant to have, I usually turn these things into MASSIVE binges. Like you know, when it rains, it pours. If I am going to 'cheat' it is going to be worthy. My days are either 500 cal days or 5000 cals. Ridic isn't it? Anyway so then I went home and ate that with the wine, two pots of low-fat custard and a chicken salad. Which was tres yummy, but still. Anyway, so that was my fuck up last night. And I just got drunk and cried for a couple of hours. But you know? Crying last night, like sobbing and being angry and screaming, has actually made me feel a fuckton better today. I haven't started randomly screaming "I HATE YOU" like someone with tourettes, which I have been doing for the past couple of days, so that's good.

I have also decided that I am going to move to Las Vegas after I get my British passport. And I'm going to do that by registering my business in the US which will entitle to me to living there for a year. Or I can marry someone for a greencard. I'm not above that. Any takers? I'm crazy, but I cook like a demon and my cat is super cute. I kind of feel like Vegas is my kind of city. Like there is city, then there is desert. It's mysterious and fake. Dramatic. Exciting. Anyway, I consider myself to be a fake person. I feel like I put on a show for people. Like I have to be this exciting happy flamboyant person ALL THE TIME. Even the way I dress, I always dress fashionably, because I want people to have this impression of me that I'm super fabulous, trendy and the kind of girl that you would WANT to know. I guess Vegas is perfect for me, because you have the strip and within 25 minutes you are in a fake rendition of the old west. Man, I think if I were a city, I may be Vegas actually. Gosh its so exciting. If I can get a green card before then, I'd definitely go sooner. Yes we can!

Today so far, I've had a custard pot (I love these), two slices of chicken breast and some coffee. I plan to have soup for dinner. Maybe a small salad so that I'll be at about 600 for the day? Maybe even 700? I think I want to try alternating my cal intakes between days to keep the metabolism guessing, which is the same vibe as the SGD and ABC. So maybe 700 today and 400 tomorrow? Something like that. FUCKING HELL MY FOOT IS SORE. Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. Ya'll are so supportive its ridic.

Custard & Chicken
Xo Xo

Motherfucking CUNTHAMMER!

Please excuse my language, but my ex is a fucking assbag cuntface twathead fuckface shitstirring homewrecking lying piece of shit that I wouldn't pull from a burning building if I was the only one who could save him. FUCK HIM! He's engaged. Yeah that's right. Three months after we broke up, he is engaged. And he has been for a while and he felt the need to call and tell me this on friday night. So I got ratfucked for three days. fuck him. I can't even believe him and according to him he is SO happy. I want to inflict pain on him like he has never known before. I want to hurt him. My first instinct was to hurt him by letting the tax office know how much money he has defrauded the tax office. But then, that would be bad for karma, so all I am left to do is seethe over the fact that the man that was meant to be my husband, is in fact, not. On the plus side, this means I am definitely NOT going back to Cape Town in January for a visit and have never been more happy to be away from there. Anyway. So this is my current fucking awfulness of my life. I hate him so much. Roy Sinclair, burn in hell you awful AWFUL person. Karma is coming for you buddy.

Anyway, in other news (dyou ever feel better just by ranting about things) my restriction was derailed by this news since I spent the whole weekend binge drinking, which is a very high caloric intake. Anyway, but today I'm back on track. I'm also going to take a break from the smoking, because it makes me want to eat. And I may be a sad old cat lady whose only love is Jack Daniels, but I am going to make sure that at least I'm a skinny sad alcoholic. Whatever. Today i have had a sugar free redbull and a few slices of shaved chicken, so about... 40 cals today so far. I am going to have soup for dinner, because its getting colder. I kinda like the cold actually, i know south Africans are supposed to love the summer and heat, and i do, but the cold is nice too. :) Snuggling up in bed all warm and cosy. It is nice.

To all my new followers, welcome and thanks for all the kind words. You know. It is so funny having a blog which a few people read. You know. I feel like sometimes the people that read this dribble treat me like I'm not accessible. I really am though. I don't consider myself to be popular just because my life makes me easy reading you know. So if there is ANYTHING I can help with. Drop me an email. Or ask for my number/bbm. I'm happy to help in whatever way that I can, because unlike my skeezbag doucheface ex, I try to not be a cunthammer. Also, if you are in London, or stopping over here whenever, let me know. I'm always keen for coffee and a chat. Boom. Logistics of having a blog *hair flick* What can I say. Strike a pose. *superstar* :p LOL, kidddddddding guys.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

The First Day

Well I managed to get through the first day of successful restricting and now it is almost 3pm on day two. It is so fucking weird that this is like teaching myself to eat less again. Like, I've only been properly restricting for a year now, why is this so hard. I'm thinking though that if I behave i may be able to see 50's again by Monday. I have so much work to do, but I ordered this long sleeve lace dress and I'm determined to look amazing in it. So fuck food. I don't want to ever eat again. I can't believe how fat my face has gotten in the past few weeks. It just goes to show that if you don't pay constant attention to these things they will bite you in the ass. But making that ass fat. Fuck that.

I had a bit of a sad lonely almost cry about my ex again last night. You know, I remember thinking a couple of months ago that there will come a time in my life when he literally will just be someone that I dated briefly, and despite the fact that it still hurts everyday, it is starting to become like that. I look at pics of him now. And its just like so much has changed since we were happy. Oh well. I guess that chapter of my life truly is over now and I have other things to look forward to. *sigh*

Coco is helping me today. She is so strong for me when I need her to be. Unbelievable. I walk around London, in high heels, this is my new things, heels always. My feet need to get used to it and let me tell you. The blisters that I have on my feet are not natural. Anyway, so I walk around feeling like a total rockstar most of the time. Its like I want people to look at me. Its funny, because even though I have moved on from my old life, I still feel like I'm standing in the middle of a huge crowd screaming for someone to notice me. Maybe people just get tired of people like us. People with drama. Maybe. I'm just really tired to needing people to notice me to feel like I exist. I guess this post doesn't really make all that much sense, but I dunno. Sometimes I feel like its all just useless. And that no matter how hard I try, I will always have to try harder. The effort involved in that, makes it seem completely useless. Worthless. Pointless. Emo much? I'm listening to the Used. 'nuff said.

Blue & Yellow
Xo Xo

WWCD?

So I weigh 62. That's the awful truth. My thighs are enormous. I can't stop eating. I just want want want. What is up with everyone at the moment? We are all eating. I've been too ashamed to even write anything on this blog anymore, because I'm so disgusted with myself at how fat I am. I have however decided that my new UGW is going to be 50kg. Skinny, yes... Today, I've had way too many calories, but good calories since there hasn't been too much in the way of carbs and sugar. I've had two pears, three cups of coffee with milk and honey, roast chicken, lettuce, avo, tomato and rocket salad with a tiny bit of mayonaise. So I'm learning again. Oh yes, and an orange. I'm learning again how to eat less. Fuck, how stupid is it after ages of restricting and getting thinner, it can all get thrown away just like that. Without warning, one day you'll just start eating. And i can see the fat. I can see it. I hope to be under 60 by the end of next week. 4lbs in a week and a bit. I can totally do this. I figured I'd just stay as raw as possible and low fat, low carb. My body is so fat. Before, I was not scared to wear things that hugged my stomach. I feel like I've backslid into that Piggy that hated everything. That just didn't like what she saw, and even though I didn't hate when I was *cry* 10lbs less. Well. 6 weeks of pretty much nonstop binging. I guess 10lbs isn't the end of the world. But fuck it's disgusting. This is it. COME ON BITCHES, WHAT WOULD COCO DO?

FTW & Love

Xo Xo

TODAY! - Enough NOW!

Guys, the absolute worst thing on the planet that could ever happen to a person happened to me yesterday. I went out to watch the rugby with friends of mine and they actually told me that I looked better having put on some weight. What. The. Fuck. Firstly, they both know about my issues, why would you ever say that you actually notice how fat I am. And secondly, goddammit! You know sometimes when you put on a bit of weight, you hope that no one actually notices. I don't want to look normal, I want to be skinny. Sick looking. Skinny. So today, mark my words, TODAY! I am starting today, tomorrow and Tuesday with a fruit fast. Only tea with a teeny bit of milk and fruit. Then Wednesday through Saturday will be 600 cal days. I'm weighing in tomorrow morning to see exactly what the damage is. Hopefully I won't have a heart attack when I get on the scale.

In other news, I'm fat and i can't concentrate on anything else.

Fuck it & Love
Xo Xo

How Is This Possible?

I am enormous. So huge in fact that I'm sure my thighs have doubled in size. To be fair I have been stoning since I got back to London on Sunday. Tomorrow is the girls night and i'm nowhere near thin enough and all I want is to eat. But I can't because otherwise I'm going to be a fatter uglier piglet than I could possibly be after two good days. I don't even want to weigh myself. I'm listening to really sad sad music at the moment, reflective of this bullshit disgusting self-control ABSENT state of being that I currently find myself in. Coco is absolutely furious with Piggy for being so disgusting. Awful, AWFUL, AWFUL.

Thoughts of CrapBag are becoming less frequent... which is really strange. For once I have gone almost a whole week without pity crying about it, but now this has been replaced with pity eating. Or happy eating. I don't know. Anyway, Grem and I have to move at the end of the month since my landlady isn't happy about me having Gremlin. Oh well. I wanted to move anyway.

Today I had about 600 cals so far and I'm going to bed now. Fuck that.

28D36D89 & Love
Xo Xo

Fucking Nay-Sayers

You know, I have this friend who is all up my ass, all the mother fucken time. She is the most negative, cynical person that I know. Worse than even my own fucking mother. She will say no, do this. Do that. don't do that. She is also fucking so shallow when it comes to men. Like every guy I've ever dated, she has told me he was ugly. Every guy that wants to date me, she will call him ugly as well. And let me tell you. She is no fucking oil painting. She is such a fucking cunt sometimes. Like now, I was telling her about this guy from South Africa, anyway, she stalked him on facebook and proceeded to tell me how shit looking he is. And remember I said I want to write a novel, well... I've kinda decided what its going to be about etc, and she fucking goes and rips into that idea as well. Just because her life is fucking miserable and useless and she doesn't have an inch of sparkle in her pathetic life, does not mean that I am like that. FUCK HER. What. A. Cunt.

Anyway, in other news. I am leaving to go home, back to London in two short hours. Thank mutha fucken christ on a bike. I am so done with this place. And I am still fat. I had a good day on Friday, then drank a bottle of whiskey and fucked things up with the Northerner boy by telling him that I had a crush on him. And then had an epic binge day yesterday. Today is just going to be fruit. Although, I am going to get some bud later, so that may induce the munchies. I can't WAIT to be back in my flat. I can't wait to be back in London, I miss it so much. Never thought I'd say that. :) BOOM!

Is anyone still doing the challenge, because we're into month two now. I'm going to change the stats page to only have starting weight and then the most current weight. Because otherwise the table is too big. Month two <3 Love to all my piglets. Welcome to new followers as well.

Oh so my novel. I want to write a book called 'go get fucked' and its going to be a version of my relationship with my ex. All the dirty details and I mean ALL. The drugs, the sex, the cheating, the gay stuff all of it. Starting from the night we first hooked up and ending with my second suicide attempt, except I die in the book. It isn't going to be a self-help or get better eat.pray.love bullshit book. I want it to be a raw party book with no moral. Just telling of a really fucked story. Think Californication. That kind of fucked up bullshit. Yes. We. Can. What dyou ya'll think.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo