So yesterday, I got an email from a girl in college in England who is studying the effects of media on eating disorders... or the link. or something like that. And she asked if I would answer some questions for her sociology... something. Alcohol haze. Anyway, so the questions are basically aimed at looking at the influence that these blogs make on eating disorders etc etc. You get the picture. And it got me to thinking you know. On one hand, these blogs are definitely triggering, because people read them and as if the misery that is my life isn't appealing enough, it does 'encourage' people to have develop eating disordered patterns. But those people. I don't think those are true eating disordered types. Those to me are the people that will eventually recover and lead happy lives. I think there definitely is potential that people that have recovered may be triggered by these blogs and slip into ED patterns. But then, can you really attribute responsibility to my blog (our blogs), if they were seeking out blogs like ours, clearly there was something that was triggering them long before they stumbled upon my dribble.
On the other hand. Without this blog, without others' blogs, without the constant support and love that I get from this online ana community, I'd be lost. I'd be dead. I would no longer be walking this earth. It is through the understanding and love that I get from this blog, the messages that. Although they are short and shallow, they mean nothing really, I don't know who they are from. Without those messages of understanding telling me that I can make it through another day. That I won't be fat forever. That Roy is an assbag fuck nut. Without those little words of encouragement, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be sane either. Because as a bulimic or anorexic, you think you are absolutely nuts for thinking the things you do. Or for wanting to saw your body in half just to be tiny. But then you read blogs and you see that you are not alone. That your crazy thoughts just aren't that crazy. And that keeps you together a bit, just for one more day. And we all know that the pain and the hurt can only be dealt with one minute at a time. And then one by one I get emails saying that some lovely beautiful flower has commented, telling me that it is all going to be okay. Or that they understand how I feel. I also feel less lonely, I feel like. Everyone in my life passes me by. No one knows that I stare in the mirror and draw invisible lines with my hands on all the pieces that i'd like to staple together and cut off. But I can say those things. And you won't tell me 'oh just eat something.' ... if only it were that simple.
So I guess what I am saying. I am saying that I am sorry if I have triggered any of you reading this blog. I am not pro-ana. I say this over and over and over. But as selfish as it may be, I NEED this blog. I NEED the support. I NEED this help. Because no one understands. No one gets it.
I'm still fat.
Peace & Love
Xo Xo
11 comments:
I totally get this. I need my blog. I need somewhere to talk about all the issues and frustrations where people are going to understand me and not judge me on my behaviours, even if I'm judged for being fat- I can't talk about it in real life, no-one gets it. "you don't need to lose weight", "are you eating enough?", "I don't understand". <3
My word verification was tnspri- made me think of thinspiration. Which you are to me.
I prefer to think of the network of blogs that I follow as a group of people I can share anything with... a kind of anonymous therapy, where you can choose your level of involvement or concealment. :)
You're one of the most REAL blogs I follow; honest, brash, heartfelt, and... disordered. If vistors only take the ED part of you away with them, they're missing out on a lot.
And you're absolutely right... no one without disorder stirring in their guts already would find blogs like ours casually and decide to stop eating on a whim.
I think the same lady emailed me... Stay strong girl <3
I agree with Faye. It's sort of anonymous therapy. Although I'm trying recovery, I wouldn't have even been encouraged to try if it weren't for some of the blogs I follow. Everyone's situation is different. But from an outside view, sure, our blogs are strange, they don't get the community or the goals or the lingo. But it really is some sort of fucked up, internet based therapy group. We support each other and read when no one else will listen. I know some girls have gotten shit that I ramble about when no one else will. My blog holds some of the deepest secrets that not even my best friends know, and knowing that you all might read it..somehow that doesn't freak me out. I hope you're inquirer isn't too freaked out by it. I'm doing a research paper on fad diets myself, and have already found some info on eating disorders, so it should be interesting.
VERY well put!
I think the same too. I need my blog too because of the very same reasons. And actually it's funny that people think that blogging is a new thing, actually it's not. In 19th century diary was hardly private, things you wrote down were shared with friends and red together. To me that reminds a lot like blogging... you share your life, thoughts and beliefs and analyze them with a punch of people.
oh sweetie i was in tears by the end of this post. this is EXACTLY how i feel. without this community, i dont know how much longer i wud have held on. just knowing that im not the only one, that there are others suffering the same struggle it helps to know ur not alone and that we CAN get through our lives one day at a time and make it through. love u girl<3
I completely understand where you're coming from.
And just to be fair, I don't think your blog is pro-ana in any way. You're not telling people to follow your lifestyle, you're talking about your life and struggles and people are choosing to support you or not.
And I really appreciate that.
Yea...we need these blogs. Each other. The community. It's a huge psychological need to be heard & understood... to not feel alone.
Before I found this community, I felt like I was the only ed-girl who didn't give a damn about fashion. I didn't get an ed because of the media. I got an ed because it was a coping mechanism. Some abuse survivors turn to drugs. I turned to starving. And here I've found others who do the same thing. Keeps me sane.
I really agree with Emily's comment :)
You discussed the pro Ana issue before anyways, and were quite critical even!
I think it just really helps us to stay sane - knowing we're not the only ones, having these thoughts, as that can be really hard to cope with.. I'm glad I found you now, I had struggles with myself for so long, thinking I was just some crazy psycho, not worth living this life - some error of society that just turned out to be less perfect than anybody else, less happy and unable to just live like the others, in the spur of the moment, without feeling guilt and fear and self-contempt. But knowing one is not alone helps so much, makes life somehow easier! Love and stay as strong as you are to me! xoxo
Hey pretty lady. I miss you. I miss my blog. I miss having support. I'm hating being gone.
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