I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you and I want to watch you die before the bullet crashes through my teeth.

Don't read this.

Okay, so I know this is really miserably pathetic, and I am pathetic and I will never cease to be pathetic. But this entire post is going to be about boys. I think I need to give them up. But Joe first. I realised last night that I can't date him, because he won't debate with me. And guys. I know it sounds so weird, but that is the single most important thing in my relationships, is being able to talk a totally irrelevant point into the ground. I mean, if you are one of those people who refuse to sit around and gossip about people, then that's all you have really. Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. I want to be a great mind, so I talk about random ideas. Like how you'd die if you were kept awake artificially for 100 days. Anyway, so for the fourth time in two days, I got into one of these convos with Joe and he just shut me down. Like, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. So he shut me down. Anyway, so I realised this last night and I want to be married in the next few years, so I'm not wasting my time with shit like that. But then today, he called me for no reason other than he wanted to have a chat and we talked for like two hours about the randomest of stuff. Including, what I'm about to tell you next. I dunno. I feel torn, because on one hand, maybe I'm being unrealistic about the fact that anyone would want to talk about the same arb shit that I do. On the other hand, I shouldn't have to compromise on my needs from a partner. I mean. Roy used to talk about that kinda shit with me. There has got to be another person like that. 

Which brings me to my next pathetic thing. Roy. I went onto linkedin yesterday. And saw that he had viewed my profile in the last few months. My heart skipped a beat. I'm irritated that it did, but it did. Then I added my entire contact list from my gmail account which was like 300 people on linkedin and stupidly, I sent him an invite too. He accepted and today he has viewed my profile. I don't know why I'm still even talking about this. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I've blocked him on fb and I don't want to know. His linkedin profile also says he's single. Does that mean that him and the whore stripper fiancee who he was so happy with 5 months ago is over? I wish I at least could know that, because I want to know that I fucked him up so badly that no other girl could just replace me. WHY DO I CARE. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. Why do I care? I don't want to care. I don't care. I don't care. This is so typical though. The moment I can a few days without even thinking about him, somehow he pops back up in my life again. I mean, okay. He isn't back in my life. At all and he won't ever be, because just cuz he viewed my profile on linkedin doesn't mean a single god danm thing. I mean, I think I'm just... shocked. I hoped that I would never have to acknowledge that he existed ever again, because even though it doesn't... "hurt" anymore. Thinking back about the hurt still makes me sad. I haven't heard a word from him in six months, yet here I am again. Like a pathetic little girl. Just a sad, pathetic miserable little girl. I have dreamt about seeing him again and even though I can't get my mind past the fact that it was so awful and hurtful, thinking about him still makes me sad. I'm just a pathetic little girl. But, I've come this far. I'm sure that one day it won't bug me at all to see his name. But I do think that I need to remove him from linkedin or I'd probably just end up staring at his picture everyday. 

Sorry about this dribble. I'm a fat miserable lazy ugly mean bitter shallow self-involved pathetic awful piggy. I'm sorry that you had to read this. I hope no one did. Welcome back to thoughts Roy, you still affect me, now let me go cut myself.

\

Pain & Infinite Sadness

Xo Xo

The Psychology of It

Today was ... another day. In fact, I must say that I'm kinda proud with the way that today turned out even though it really wasn't that great. At the moment, my primary focus is just not to binge. I've managed to keep my weight stable in the 64's for a little while now and that only gives me one month to get back into the 50's before I go back to Cape Town on holiday. Which I'm starting to dread. I'm completely schizo about my whole - where do I want to be dilemma. I don't blame you guys if you can't keep up. I change my mind on a daily basis and I suppose the useful thing about being so fucking indecisive is that I won't make a decision about where I'm going to live until I can decide one way or the other on the subject. Fook. Me. 

Anyway, so why today was not terrible. On Thursday night, I lost my bank card, so basically I've had no money. I said so. Which is annoying, but most of all. Even though I had enough food to eat for the weekend, it wasn't the kind of food that I wanted and instead of being able to go to the store and get one huge binge, I only had enough for ... a little bit. So yesterday was a bag of crisps, which was all I ate the whole day, so that was about 600 cals for the day. Then today my bank card arrived, and you know us bulimics - that's code for a big ol' binge. Anyway, but I kinda reigned it in and restricted it to a tuna salad (a can of tuna with cucumber, corn and a tbsp of low-cal mayo), two chicken breasts and some nuts. All in all I think the total for today is 1500. 1500-too-fucking-high. BUT AT LEAST, it wasn't like... 5000 you know? I feel like dudes, we are making fucking progress here. 

I had a think about ya'll said about me playing games with Joe, and you're right. I do need to let this go. The problem is that he is kinda like me when it comes to be being... a bit cold when you've got the power. So it's like, if somehow he would admit that he likes me, or whatever it is at the time - I won't reciprocate. So for example, I said to him that maybe when I get back from Cape Town we could consider the whole relationship vibe. His response 'you're such a sweetheart.' And that's it. Today I said something a little inappropriate along the lines of having a monopoly over *cough* his man parts *cough* - and his response was that he really liked the idea. It's kinda like neither of us will fucking outright say anything, but for good reason I think. I mean, nothing is certain about him being down here in London and I won't make a decision about anything until I get back from Cape Town, so what's the point in rushing it. I suppose it's just that stupid little niggle that we have to have certainty. You know? But on your advice, I'm not going to play games. If he doesn't want me then that is also fine. OH AND GUYS - Watch the fucking Oscars. They. Were. Epic. And watch Searching for Sugarman. You guys will get a chance to see my home. :) YAY! :D

Corn & Cucumber

Xo Xo

White Bread. FUCK.

Well, the last few days have kinda mostly be alrightish, except yesterday. On Thursday I fasted till I went out, but then drank a landslide of alcohol and as it turns out I lost my wallet, which is SUCH a ballache. But this is kinda okay, because with being seriously hungover on Friday I wanted to eat every carb that I could get my hands onto. But because I had no money and the thought of going into a bank to withdraw cash manually just made me cringe. I was restricted to pasta and sauce (500) and with the exception of some fruit, I didn't actually eat anything else. Yesterday however I bought one of those mini loafs of bread and pretty much ate the whole thing, some of it with a bit of butter and some with uber low cal mayo and avocado. All in all, it wasn't a TOTAL fuck up, because it was still in the low 1000s, but I can't believe how much FUCKING bread I ate. SAD FUCKING PANDA. Okay, wait I just checked the packaging and the bread alone was 980 cals, so add about three tablespoons of butter, about 5 of 15 cals per tablespoon mayo and 1 and a half avocados, probably somewhere in the region of 2000. I suppose though considering that was a nasty binge, it wasn't TOO bad. I'll wait till tomorrow before I weigh myself. 

Erm, I'm also actively looking for some extra work, because I'm getting uber depressed about working from home, because everything about being at home is like I NEED TO WORK while I'm here. I don't want my office to be my home you know? Joe and I also had a mini-DTR (define the relationship) conversation. Pretty much, I was drunk as fuck. And I told him that I was so sick of men just wanting to fuck me and that I can't be so much of an appalling person that I was totally undateable. I am going to die alone. So he kinda said the usual thing... like - we're not all like that. So I started shouting at him about how I KNOW he's just in it for the sex, etc etc. He got all pissed off with me and shit. Then I felt like such an asshole. Because, I suppose I know that he isn't like that, but... Dudes, am I being a total fucking idiot here? I WANT a boyfriend. I really do, and I go through phases where I want to be normal and shit, but then I think. You know, my douchebag asshole ex boyfriend totally fucked up my life... Well, I mean. MORE. I became a horrible, insane person and I don't want to let someone have that much power over me ever again. FUCK that. I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too much about it. But I feel like I'm leading Joe into something and then fucking out when he actually acts the way that I like... manipulated him into being. Does that make sense? I mean. This 19 year old (YES, I know.) was following me around on Thursday night and then he kinda tried to assault me with his tongue. I'm sure I remember 19 year olds kissing better than that - WHAT THE SHIT, BRO!? Anyway, so my friend took a pic of me with this boy, who is reasonably cute. And you know what I did, I put it on facebook so that Joe would get jealous. And he did. And then I freaked out about it. Fuck sakes. WHY AM I ACTING LIKE THIS?? Sorry, I know this is such a boring piece of crap post. Apologies. Me ruv you all rong time. 

Peace & wait for it.... LOVE

Xo Xo

Boney Hands

Aside from the thigh gap and the ribs, collar bones, the neck... all of it. I love having boney hands. Boney fingers. I love having long slender fingers. like if there was such a thing as a finger gap, where the sides of my fingers can't touch when I put them together that would be even better. 

That's all I wanted to say. 

Fingers & Bones

Xo Xo

Herdy-Derh

So I fasted for two days and then I ate today. Which I'm feeling a bit bummed about, but I'm going to fast again till Friday, so have another two day fast. My stomach is rumbling like a whore though. I am going to see Goldfish tomorrow, which is like... this electro... band. Dj. Thing. You know? Electro shit. I'm not overly fond of the music, but give me some up-beat tunes and I shall dance to it. I haven't weighed in days, mostly because I'm too scared to even though I fasted. But I ate quite a bit of rubbish junk food when I broke fast today, so that's a fail. So, tomorrow and Friday is no food. Saturday, I will try and break fast with some fruit. 

There's something weird happening with Joe and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to deal with it. I mean to me, we are just friends that hook up. Like, not even fuck buddies -because obviously I don't see him often because he lives up North. He's moving down here next month though and he is looking after Gremlin and ergo staying in my flat while I'm on holiday in Cape Town. Firstly, he offered. And I was just stoked that I sorted out the issue of what to do with Grem while I was gone. However, I'm becoming more aware of certain things that he says to me. Like, he compared me to his girl bff - who I'm not overly fond of. Although actually I don't dislike her - I just don't like her, because she has no depth. You know, the human embodiment of first world problems. Anyway, and his response to me telling him to never compare me to her was - "even though she's my best friend". Like, I'm meant to like her by extension. And that to me... is girlfriend shit. And I don't want to be his girlfriend. I may be reading too much into it. In fact, I very definitely am. But then he also wants to spend time together before I leave -I'm hoping that is just because I am SEX FUCKING GODDESS and not something else... I dunno, as I said I'm very definitely over analysing as we all do. But he is constantly texting me and tonight he wanted to - and again his words, not mine "serenade me" with his mando-fucking-lin. I find it cute and flattering, and again, he is pretty smokin' hot. But. I'm really not into the whole boyfriend vibe, not with him. What the shit have I got myself into? PIGGY! Then again, a casual relationship... I'm really worried and call this paranoia, but I'm really worried that when he's here looking after Grem, he just won't want to leave if he thinks we're together. And fucking, yes. Living together, NEIN! WHAT THE SHIT!?

Thanks for all the feedback on my last post. You know, I definitely do still want to do L.A. for shiz, because I dream of California. And if I can make real progress towards getting there in the next year that I've given myself to work on my England life before I pack it up and go back to Cape Town, then I will stay. It's not definite and maybe I am in a moment of crisis, but man. I don't know how I am going to do this. I'm definitely, DEFINITELY going to get a job when I get back from Cape Town, because I think the fact that I'm so isolated is definitely adding to my issues at the moment. Anyone wanna marry me for a passport? Apparently I'm funny. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Just Thinking Out Loud

I've been thinking recently about moving back to Cape Town. As much as I talk shit about it constantly, I really do fucking miss that place, the people... The culture. So I've kinda said to myself that I will make a decision about it after my trip back there in April. My logic kinda goes as follows: I came to London on the back of a really awful break-up and it would be pretty fucking accurate to say that I ran the fuck away. I didn't want to deal with my shit, so moving away from my problems was the easiest thing to do. But now, after a year of reflection on the things that have driven me fucking nuts (literally... NUTS), I'm really okay. I mean, I don't want to burn down my ex's house anymore. I mean, I still fucking hate him. Like, I HATE him, but I don't think that will ever change. But I have finally gotten to a place in my mind where I know I'd tell him to fuck right off if he ever tried to come back into my life with no desperate longing to regain something that we once had. Also, I really REALLY want to be happy. I was happy once and I'm not happy at the moment, and even though I don't dislike London at all. I can't live in this fucking cold. I hate going out in the cold, I hate having to dress up like an eskimo all the time. I hate being cold ALL THE TIME. I miss being outdoors, in forests and on mountains. On the beach, in nature. I miss it like hell. I hate this culture of socialising in dark, dingey little pubs. I miss the easy-going nature of people and how friendly I know South Africans to be. Anyway, so that's my logic at the moment. It also may be a case of FOMO (fear of missing out) that I think I'm missing something at home, which I am simply just not. So I'll see. The thought of people living in London and me having given it up is a scary thought. Also, the idea that if I choose to move back to SA, I won't be able to leave again. And that probably scares me the most. It is impossible to get visas to work in other countries on my passport, so I don't know. I need to think. I just wish it was hot here. At the moment, my biggest thing is the cold. MAN, I am SO FUCKING SICK OF THE COLD. 

I only started fasting properly this morning and had a nasty binge weekend, so I am on... 20 hours? I want to try and make it through till at least thursday. I mean, I know that the first day of the fast is the worst and after that you don't feel hungry. Chewing becomes a chore. I need to get there. I expect by this time tomorrow, I will be solidly into it till Thursday. I'm going to see Goldfish with a friend of mine on Thursday, so I need to look as thin as possible by then. I need to feel empty. It makes me feel beautiful. I need to be light and lovely. I need to look like a strong gust of wind will blow me away. I need it. 

I know I mentioned this already, but dudes! I want to be happy. I really, REALLY want to be happy. I'm so sick of this constant struggle through misery everyday of my life. I have decided that I need to do a number of things in order to get there, one of which is to get (maybe) a full-time job, so that I have routine. I don't have a routine at all. I sleep when I want, I'm awake when I want. I do what I want, I talk to or don't talk to whoever I want. I also have decided that I am not pursuing this thing with Joe. He isn't enough for me. Just in general. He isn't interested in the world, he isn't interesting to me. I think the only reason I was interested to begin with was because I wanted to have a crush on someone. Having been there, I'm over it. I believe that I am exceptional, and I want someone exceptional. I know that's arrogant, but honestly. No one worth knowing has ever pretended to be average. I used to think that my ex was exceptional, but his existential inertia prevented him from moving forward and I am determined to conquer that issue. Maybe it will take me another thirty years to get through my own struggles that are preventing me from achieving certain things, but fuck it! I am determined to get there. I'm also determined to be 55kgs again. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCHES! *giggles* Anyway, I know that so much of this shit is like drool seeping from fingertips, but thank you for the constant support and acknowledgment of my existence. Thanks guys *n'awwwww*. 

Fighting the Inertia with Love & Determination

Xo Xo

Empty

I have been in the most awful place for the last few days... I just want to drink myself into a hole and cut myself into ribbons. I need to feel empty. I need to feel light. I need to feel like I'm floating. I'm fasting until Wednesday morning. Coffee fasts are me. I need to feel light. I need to feel light. They can't win. I won't let them win. I'm not worth anything. But at least they won't have to strain to pick up my corpse. I don't even care. I won't let them win. I can't let them win. They can't know that they have beaten me. Ever. They can't win. They can't win. I need to be light. I need to be empty. I have to be empty. 

Melancholy & Infinite Sadness

Xo Xo

Don't text him. Don't text him.

I feel like, overnight I have become a weird stalkery girl again. Fuck sakes people. FUCK SAKES! Today, I only woke up at about 2pm because I went to sleep so late and I have so much work to do and I had to go to the clinic to get pills. Now, I know this is a total TMI, but I had to wait like... an hour to get my normal birth control thing, because like a cock I ran out on Friday, so I also had to get a morning after pill, because I ran out and the whole shebang. I haven't taken one in fucking years. And now I feel so irresponsible for having taken it as well. Anyway, so NOT important. These things happen, these things happen. I was meant to see Joe today, but in true Piggy-style I told him to hang out with his friends instead, cuz I'd already had my... 'chance'. But he's leaving tomorrow and I need to give him something he left at mine, so I have to see him. But all I want. ALL I WANT is to text him to tell him to come here after he's done with his friends. But I won't. I won't let him know that I want him here. I need to keep telling myself that he lives far away and it will never work. Because, it won't work. It just won't work. 

I want to try and see if I can get more work, because I'm quite bored at the moment. More freelancing work I think. Maybe for a magazine or something. I had a bit of a breakthrough with regards to my novel the other day and just exactly how I want to present the content. To people, without morals. I'm quite excited about it although I haven't been sticking to my daily requirement, I am about 20000 words in. Todays intake hasn't been great and I also haven't weighed today. But tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow. I have had about... 900 cals for today? Maybe slightly less. And all it was, was a bit of tuna and a whole bunch of steak. Just steak though. Which isn't the worst. 

Weigh in tomorrow. It will happen. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fucktastical and Sexy as Fuck

Well, as it turns out, I was completely paranoid about absolutely nothing and the whole weekend was a raging success... Really. Well most of it, cuz it got very crazy today. But, I'll get there. On Saturday, just before I met the Northerner, I went to buy smokeables, mostly because I was totally nervous that I would just act so awkward around him if I didn't. Incidentally, on Saturday when I left to meet him, I weighed 63.8kg. Which is fucking great. So, I went to meet him and we pretty much got exceptionally high for 24 hours and then at some point and I'm not sure how, things got... physical. And I know this is a weird thing to say about someone random, but honestly, it was the best sex I've had... Maybe ever. I mean, the great thing about it was that it wasn't sweet and gentle. It was hard and rough, which is not something that most people are into or enjoy... whatever. But it was great. Like. It really was just absolutely amazing. And he was all cute and shit afterwards, like wanting to make out and shit in public, which I don't do, but I thought it was very sweet that he was like that. ANYWAY. OH and. It started snowing last night, so I finally got to kiss someone in the snow. Which was a mission of mine for the winter. So really, all in all. FUCK YEAH. On Saturday, I felt really really weak because I ate nothing on friday and for a quick burst of energy, I had a pack of biltong (kinda like jerky) and an orange juice. So more or less... 350 cals. And that was it. 

When he was leaving my place yesterday, I got a fb message from a friend inviting me over to his house to smoke a bit. And this guy, Danny and I have made out before, but he has a girlfriend. Joe, the Northerner is friends with Dannys ex, so they know each other. I haven't seen Dan in months, so it was really weird that he called me out of the blue. Joe got jealous though, which was the cutest thing. After I went to Danny he was texting me obsessively asking if Dan was behaving himself. Anyway, it gets better. So when we left, we had a quick bite to eat at a burger place in St Pancras. I had a veggie burger with a slice of stilton on it and a few chips with mayonaise. I was quite hungry at that point. So, i broke the detox for the first time in 21 days. I ate the patty itself with the relish and shit, and the bottom half of the bun. I left three quarters of the chips and most of the bread. So, it wasn't a total fuck up, although I'm bummed that I broke the detox. I also had a small bag of almonds. 

Anyway, so I went to Dannys place and it was snowing like a whore. We got absolutely wrecked, smoking joint after joint and also drinking a lot of rum with normal coke *cry*, so there were those calories as well. I think realistically, I probably had about 2000 to 2500 cals yesterday. Fuck, now I need to calculate. Okay, not that high. ANYWAY. So we were just sitting chatting and his girlfriend is away in Italy for a week, and he was getting really flirty. But, in the back of my mind, I kept telling myself that there is no way he'd make a move on me, because he has a fucking girlfriend, who he lives with. ANYWAY, so he started saying all this shit about how he has always thought I was really hot and he has always had a weird crush on me. Blah blah. (All this time, I'm saying to myself: Don't be stupid, if you ignore it it will go away). He was saying that I reminded him of tank girl. Whoever the fuck that is. Something about Madonna, with my white blonde hair and combat boots. I don't even know who that is though, to be honest. So we were just chilling and the snow was chucking down outside and he said I should stay over, sofa bed in the lounge vibes. I thought it was great, cuz I mean. Stoned in the snow at 4am in North London. Probably really just not the greatest. I stayed over and as I falling asleep he went to his bedroom, which I assumed meant he was going to sleep and he came back in a pair of boxer briefs and a tank top. *sigh* I mean really, FUCKING *SIGH*. And he lay down next to me and pretty much just inched himself closer and closer to me until he was pretty much spooning me. But if I said anything, he wouldn't reply, so I kinda thought it was just drunk, sleeping snuggles, cuz he missed his girlfriend or something. And then he tried to feel me up, so I shut his shit down. And as soon as I woke up, I left. SO AWKWARD. I know he was drunk, benefit of the doubt. And the thing is that gets me is that he knows I was fucking Joe all that day and he is friends with Joe AND he didn't care. Like, if nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. That is way nasty. 

Today after I get home, I got a call from Danny asking me if I had seen his grinder with his weed in it. And then what transpired after that was pretty much a fullblown accusation from Danny that I had stolen his shit. But not just insinuated. He said that he knew I had taken it. And that it was such a bad idea to steal from him. DAFUQ!? Now, I don't know about any of you guys, but I do not take kindly to being accused of theft. Eventually he found the damn thing and started apologising profusely. I just laughed, because he texted Joe to tell him to look out for his grinder. Which is really not cool to start telling people that I am a thief. Like that really FUCKED me off. So I threatened to tell his girlfriend that he had tried to put his hand down my pants... I really don't do shit like that, because it's none of my business. But fuck, I couldn't just let him spread stories about me. 

Anyway, so that's the story of my weekend. Today, I've eaten about 800 calories, which consisted of two beef grillsteaks which i put in lettuce wraps with low-cal guacomole and salsa. I am actually kinda proud of that intake though, because I really did contemplate going for a sandwich this morning and not going back to the detox, but now I have. And I feel really proud of it. So I'm definitely going to stick to this detox plan as my default diet, with one cheat day every two weeks... :) I'm going to weigh tomorrow and I hope I'm still in the 63's. And that my huge disaster dinner yesterday didn't fuck it up too badly. Hopefully. I'm hoping to see Joe tomorrow before he goes back North. He's been texting me a lot since he left, and it kinda is one of those situations where it would be so nice for it to turn into something more... Because a good fuck is hard to find. Truth be told. And he's a nice guy, with a fuckin rocking body. OH and he sings like Johnny Cash, no jokes. And that makes me weak at the knees, musical men. He plays the banjo, mandolin and guitar. I mean. LOVELY. Anyway, I dunno, I didn't really want to say anything about him, because it definitely won't amount to anything since he lives so far away. But goddamn. It was a great weekend and the great GREAT thing about it is that I didn't totally fuck my diet in the process, so I may actually have just maintained my weight. According to my original goal, I needed to be under 63.4 this morning to reach the 2kg per week loss. Let's see what tomorrow says :)

Sorry about the REALLY REALLY long post, but it is just spilling the fuck out of me. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Just Buggered.

So, exciting news, this morning... about two hours ago, I weighed in at 64.2. Which is 5.2kgs down from when I started this detox... I can't remember how long ago. And I haven't slept yet so that's epic. I'm going to meet the Northerner at about 5pm today. And I'm not gonna lie - I feel really nervous about it for some reason. I don't know if I am ready for boy stuff. I don't think I am. I'm actually pretty content in my singleness at the moment... Anyway, getting like a little heart race just thinking about it now. FUCK. What am I in for. He is staying over at mine tonight. FUCK. God, what have I done. *breathe breathe* I don't think I'm ready for this. fuck fuck fuck. Okay, calm down Piggy. 

Yesterday, I actually had a really productive day which included doing about 50kgs of laundry that I've been piling up for like... a month. It was such a mission - like you have NO fucking idea. Cuz I had to carry it to the laundramatte and so my arms feeling like useless little chicken wings today. Flappin' in the wind... And my legs are sore. And I'm tired... And I'm going to end this post now because the more I type, the more anxious I am getting about what's going to happen later. Calm down Piggy, calm down. On the plus side tomorrow is a big Chinese New Years celebration in London... they are expecting half a million people - and I shall be one of them. Booya! New Years in February. 

Lovely, LOVELY Piglets.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Lollocaust!

Oh you guys make me, my god do you ever. Some of the comments I get sometimes make me giggle like a schoolgirl, especially Sam. You are a strange young lady, but I'm really glad that I know you. It's one of those things that make having this little rant space that much better - having awesome people to share it with. So thank you all. I do get so despondent about this blog sometimes, like feeling like I don't have enough of a life to write about it here. But I suppose, I am at the tail end of a pretty crazy journey with all of this shit. As long as people continue to read, I'll continue to write. 

So, I suppose, it is high time that I actually reveal my weight. This morning, it was 65.2kgs. Which is ten kgs up from what it was nine months ago. When I started the detox 17 days ago it was 69.4. So in fact - I basically put on almost all the weight I lost over the break up period with the ex. But. Losing about 10lbs in 17 days, is making me hopeful. I am starting to recognise my body again. I only have another 20lbs to go and then I'll be back to where I was. I suppose in theory, another five weeks and i should be there. At the moment, I am aiming for 4lbs a week. Also, so far it is going great. 

Today, I've had... about 520 cals which consisted of 1tbsp of honey, a cup of milk (both for my coffee), two tiny bananas and two eggs. I'm happy with that intake, especially since yesterday turned out to be under 300. I'm hoping to get below 65 tomorrow. I must say though, actually having weight to lose. Like compared to trying to maintain the weight which is what I was doing when I put it all back on again - is a fuckload easier. Having a target and working towards it has definitely helped. I mean, I suppose that when you are at a goal weight you rationalise that one bag of chips isn't going to kill you. When in fact, its only because you've forgotten how to approach food. Once again, I'm completely pedantic about what I eat. I can't wait for my binge day which is in 13 days, although at the moment, I'm not missing that food at all. This detox really has been the best thing I've done in a long time. Carbs and sugar really are devil foods. I think my relationship with food is a lot healthier because of it as well. Because my safe foods don't scare me and I don't get into a little panic guilt trip if I eat them. You know what I mean? 

Triceratops & Pterodactyls 

Xo Xo

Suicide Bride

Today, I was chatting with a friend... Who may be slightly more than a friend... But for now, let's just call it a friend. I have to say, I'm totally stoked about the idea of a bit of manfriend drama. INTO it. Anyway, so this friend lives up North and he's coming down for four days. He used to live in London, but moved back up to help out on the family farm after he finished his degree. Anyway, so he is coming down for four days this weekend and we're going to *bawm chicca wow waaaaa* - maybe you know. I mean, I'm kinda keen on just being friends, because I am kinda wanting to maybe think about dating again. Sleeping around just doesn't form part of this plan. ANYWAY. I mentioned something about being in hospital and coldplay having been my hospital album. He asked why I was in hospital, so I told him. Because I am not fucking ashamed of the fact that I tried to kill myself twice. I don't care. I don't want peoples shock or judgment. And I especially don't want their pity. But he was like. JESUS PIGGY. Now, I don't want a lecture. And I don't care if people know, because I make no pretenses about the fact that I may be fundamentally screwed up. And you know, at least I have a reason. A reason for everything. Anyway, I'm not sure what significance this had about my post. But you know when some one knows something about you and it kinda changes the way they look at you or feel about you... I think this may have done that. 

Calorie-wise today, it has been good. I weighed myself this morning and I am still paying for that binge from Saturday. I can't fucking believe it. Keep strong, keep strong, keep strong. Anyway, so today I have had one cup of coffee (no honey - TADA!) I'm going to have two eggs and two oranges. With more coffee and that is going to be it today. So today will end up being about... 450 for the day. Which is great. I promise that on Monday next week, I will reveal my weight. I promise promise. 

Peace & Lovekins

Xo Xo

Contribution.

I've had about... 750 cals today, which consisted of a whole lot of peaches and some chicken. Oh and milk in my coffee. I've forgone the honey today. I have nothing to say really... I feel like I should be out there in the world making more of an effort to gather news... But I'm not. And I haven't. I will do that this weekend. I need to live more. LIVE LIVE LIVE. I still didn't weigh myself this morning because I wasn't feeling ready, but tomorrow it's on like donkey kong. I'm sorry for not revealing my weight, I just can't deal with the number right now. I will let you know though when it happens... Today is day 15 of the detox complete. Officially half way. Yay. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Control

So I met with a tattoo artist yesterday in Camden Town. It looks pretty damn rad and it's going to be a lot more expensive than I was anticipating, but hey. Such is the price of vanity, I suppose. Anyway. I have nothing to report really, except that I have been doing precious little else except getting stoned for the last two days... Well, no that's not technically true I suppose. I was out the whole of yesterday. I got some shit for my flat. Some decor type stuff, cuz I'm trying to make my flat more homey, instead of it being just the place where my shit is. In addition, I reorganised everything which included getting rid of all my Roy-stuff. This included a locket, a heart shaped pebble that he gave me and a couple of pictures. Until now, I didn't feel like I wanted to get rid of it, since it is the last remaining part of myself that reminds me of the relationship, so fuck it. It was cleansing. I also bought this beautiful leather bound notebook. The reason behind this strategic nugget is that my current notebook has a lot of stuff I wrote about during the break up and stuff. So that had to go, along with the rest of the stuff. I have gotta move forward. Yeah, so I just walked around for ages. At the moment, I'm listening to this 70s folkish type singer from Detroit called Rodriguez. If you wanna hear something beautiful. Give it a listen. :)

The detox is still going strong, on day... 14 today. I have still only had the detox food. Yesterday, in my stoned state I did eat a lot of nuts and fruit though. Like a shit load. So between thursday and friday I lost 1.4kg. But then I didn't weigh this morning, because I ate so much last night. I will weigh tomorrow morning. Today, to make up for last night, I'm having a low cal day. So I've had about 300 cals today. I'm hoping that it will all balance out. I need to look skinny for the 13th, which is this thing with this guy. I don't necessarily like him at all. But I need to prove myself to be beyond a certain level of badassery. This is my new schtick in life - bad assery. I am feeling so good about my head space at the moment. Because I've finally been able to commit to properly controlled eating and my weight is dropping back down. I don't have to worry about being out of control. I am in control. Of my eating and of life in general. It is actually very crazy how the two correspond. Once I'm back in control of the eating, the rest of my shit is following. I have started to organise my flat. And for the last three months while my eating has been out of control, my flat has also been like that. Just a fucking mess all the time. Laundry tomorrow though *cry*

Love & Sugar

Xo Xo