Well, the last few days have kinda mostly be alrightish, except yesterday. On Thursday I fasted till I went out, but then drank a landslide of alcohol and as it turns out I lost my wallet, which is SUCH a ballache. But this is kinda okay, because with being seriously hungover on Friday I wanted to eat every carb that I could get my hands onto. But because I had no money and the thought of going into a bank to withdraw cash manually just made me cringe. I was restricted to pasta and sauce (500) and with the exception of some fruit, I didn't actually eat anything else. Yesterday however I bought one of those mini loafs of bread and pretty much ate the whole thing, some of it with a bit of butter and some with uber low cal mayo and avocado. All in all, it wasn't a TOTAL fuck up, because it was still in the low 1000s, but I can't believe how much FUCKING bread I ate. SAD FUCKING PANDA. Okay, wait I just checked the packaging and the bread alone was 980 cals, so add about three tablespoons of butter, about 5 of 15 cals per tablespoon mayo and 1 and a half avocados, probably somewhere in the region of 2000. I suppose though considering that was a nasty binge, it wasn't TOO bad. I'll wait till tomorrow before I weigh myself.
Erm, I'm also actively looking for some extra work, because I'm getting uber depressed about working from home, because everything about being at home is like I NEED TO WORK while I'm here. I don't want my office to be my home you know? Joe and I also had a mini-DTR (define the relationship) conversation. Pretty much, I was drunk as fuck. And I told him that I was so sick of men just wanting to fuck me and that I can't be so much of an appalling person that I was totally undateable. I am going to die alone. So he kinda said the usual thing... like - we're not all like that. So I started shouting at him about how I KNOW he's just in it for the sex, etc etc. He got all pissed off with me and shit. Then I felt like such an asshole. Because, I suppose I know that he isn't like that, but... Dudes, am I being a total fucking idiot here? I WANT a boyfriend. I really do, and I go through phases where I want to be normal and shit, but then I think. You know, my douchebag asshole ex boyfriend totally fucked up my life... Well, I mean. MORE. I became a horrible, insane person and I don't want to let someone have that much power over me ever again. FUCK that. I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too much about it. But I feel like I'm leading Joe into something and then fucking out when he actually acts the way that I like... manipulated him into being. Does that make sense? I mean. This 19 year old (YES, I know.) was following me around on Thursday night and then he kinda tried to assault me with his tongue. I'm sure I remember 19 year olds kissing better than that - WHAT THE SHIT, BRO!? Anyway, so my friend took a pic of me with this boy, who is reasonably cute. And you know what I did, I put it on facebook so that Joe would get jealous. And he did. And then I freaked out about it. Fuck sakes. WHY AM I ACTING LIKE THIS?? Sorry, I know this is such a boring piece of crap post. Apologies. Me ruv you all rong time.
Peace & wait for it.... LOVE
Xo Xo
6 comments:
I totally understand the bread thing. We don't usually have white bread in my house but for some reason there was a loaf of it this week. I think I ate AT LEAST one slice everyday....It's just to yummy :(
Ooooh girl, I don't keep bread or butter in the house. I love hot buttered toast. I LOOOOOOVE hot buttered toast. OMG I want hot buttered toast right now!
And girl, I totally want a boyfriend too. Whenever I admit it, I feel really useless and desperate, so I hate doing it, but it's so so true.
And don't worry about the calorie intake. It's not that big a number really, and it was only once. Which doesn't really matter. Just shake it off the next day. Doing great pretty lady, doing great.
It's a girl thing. You say you want to be normal - weeeeeeeell in that sense at least your are - baiting boys and then freaking out when they jump for it is just a very normal girl thing to do.
I've been behaving this week. I am not on target, but I'm behaving. I fear the onslaught of a binge though. My food fear is starting to grip me properly.
Oh Fucking Hell.
What the fuck are you doing??!
Seriously!!!
The last couple posts were all "I dont want joe to get closer, what if he wants to move in, blah blah" and then you're having a go at him because "ypu know he's just in for the sex" - then you post pictures with a 19 year old (how old are you? I remember someting like late 20ies?) to make him jealous again?
Honey.
your ex boyfriend is no excuse. Maybe he fucked you up big time and you're right when you say whatever happened between you guys is the reason for your not being able to let someone actually get closer -
doesn't really help though, knowing the reason, right?
Joe sounds like a really nice guy.
Apart from the mandolin serenade story.
But maybe you should allow yourself to ... you know. like him. or let him like you.
:)
I am one to over-analyze everything half to death, epecially relationships with other people, so I don't think your thinking is uncommon. True it probs isn't the healthiest but sometimes we don't really know what we want and having an ED doesn't help things. Try to be as honest as you can in evaluating the circumstance and with the boy.
Good Luck,
Emilu
It could have been SOOO much worse if you had your wallet. Imagine, the 2000+ calories AND whatever you bought at the store! They say not to drink your calories and hangovers are the worst because after having drank your calories it always makes you EAT them too =P I say go for it with this guy! If he's still around after the FB pic (is he?) then it's probably worth a try!
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