What to say...

I am starting the moving process today. Last night was my last night with him in our home. Tonight onwards, I am housesitting at my mothers house while they are away, then I am going to move into my new place. GOD. I can't believe this day is here. I am anxious as fuck. GOD GOD. FUCK FUCK. Feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, or cry, or scream. I keep wishing that he'd ask me to stay, not that I would, but just that I would know that this isn't over. I mean today. It's over. IT IS OVER. Fuck I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to leave, just a couple more hours then it's all over. It hurts. Like a mutha fucker - it hurts.

I also hate christmas and am boycotting it this year. I am working straight through and hopefully this time tomorrow I can forget all about it. I HATE CHRISTMAS!

I wish I could die. God, that's all I want.

Anyway, yesterday I ate like a pig. I had four brownies, a cheese sandwich and some rice with dinner. FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!! Those brownies alone were like a million calories. And there was mayonaise on the sandwich. And it was egg-fried rice. FUCK FUCK. Anyway. I weighed in at 59.5kg. So at least I lost a little bit.

Sigh. *panic attack*

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Zoloft FTL

I have decided to take my 'happy pill' - as it has been dubbed by my mother in the evenings now, so that I am not brain dead like I have been for the past few days. I know it takes up to two weeks to have any effect, but I swear I feel calmer. But of course, placebo much? WHATEVS, I'm doing okay, so whatever. I just paid the remainder of my deposit for my new place and rent for January. Going to fetch the keys tomorrow and then start the mass exodus of stuff asap. I'm hoping that this zoloft keeps zonking me out until New Years, so I don't have to deal with any of the emotional crap that I know is on it's way. FUCK BALLS.

I ate disgustingly yesterday. I had some grapes, then I had TWO white bread rolls with butter and peanut butter. Then I had a honey latte. But luckily, I worked so there was a fair amount of running around. And when I woke up this morning I was down half an lb. So I was 60.6 this morning. I have had a slice of bread with butter and peanut butter today, but am going to not eat anything else for today. Then hopefully I can be down to 60 flat this morning.

I know what my scale says, but it can't be right. I mean, I look enormous. My stomach is SO fat. I mean it is huge, it looks like I am having my period. That's how bloated I look. It's probably from the lack of water drinking and the disgusting carb binges that are going on. FUCKING AWFUL.

I am so worried about my cat when I move. He is such a dear loving animal and I am ripping him away from his dad and his home and shoving him into a new one. It's not fair on my poor kitten, but what can I do? I refuse to leave him with my ex.

I am going to a festival over new years and I am determined to be in a bikini, but fuck it, I am so sure when people see me in one, they will be like - bitch put some goddamn clothes on. Like a whale.

Thanks for the comments and support. I feel so rundown. I am working from 10am everyday straight through till 11pm. I have an hour now to shower and change clothes, then off to job number two. This shit be HECTIC!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Nothing but Fat

I have nothing to add to the world. This zoloft is kicking my ass from here to Tuesday, all I want to do is sleep. I haven't managed to have one successful restricting day. Falling off the wagon I swear to fuck I never thought I'd let this happen. I am such a disgusting piggy. WHAT THE FUCK PIGGY!? Somehow, I have managed to maintain my weight, so I'm not gaining which is a good thing I think? BUT THIS FUCKING ZOLOFT - all I want is sleep. Like ALL I want. Feels like I could sleep for ten years. So I am going to start taking it in the evening instead of the morning, cuz the doctor said it isn't supposed to make you sleepy. It's not a tranquiliser.

I need it to kick in soon though, because I have to move out in a week and so far the idea is not going down very well with me. Queue panic attacks. GOD I HATE THIS! I just wish it was mid January already, so that all of this can be over. Why oh why. When am I supposed to be better? *cry*

Hopefully, I will have less fat things to share tomorrow. I doubt it.

Shame & Pain
Xo Xo

Fuck B

So first off, I am stoned off my ass right now, so the following will most likely be a combination of outbursts and giggles. My apologies in advance.

I think perhaps I swear too much. I just received a comment from Little Miss Thin <3 - thanks doll :D Anyway, so my mother is worried about my little sister having an eating disorder. She has recently lost about 10lbs, and is going through a rough patch with my whole suicide thing. Which she dealt with by deleting me off BBM and Facebook - I mean, what the fuck!? We haven't said a word to each other since it happened, not even a "hello". We flat out ignore each other, it is really sad. ANYWAY, so mother thinks she's not eating properly. Funny. Twenty minutes before this conversation, I was in the doctors office with her getting anti-anxiety medication and the doctor asked me flat out if I had an eating disorder, I was like... "uhhhhh.... *LONG PAUSE*... I have eating issues." So when we were in the car, she said "I don't need another child with an eating disorder." And I am like starting to get a bit uncomfortable and having to try really hard to not scream out loud "FUCK!!!!" I don't want her to know about it, she will never leave me alone. She already talks about my 'condition' (i.e. my alleged borderline personality disorder) in every damn conversation. And you know, it sucks - but it is really cool how much she's into it. Like - she is trying so hard to understand, and while her and I will never get along. It really does show she cares. Which is rad. Good mom vibes.

ANYWAY, so about my sisters possible eating disorder. I was like "FUCK FUCK I need to lose 4 now." No fucken way can she be the skinniest sister. FUCK THAT!! So I think after like a week of binge eating, I finally found some motivation. And she is shorter than me, so she will look smaller. Sonuvabitch! I realise this is probably not the appropriate reaction. I mean, I am concerned, but I don't think I need worry honestly. This sister is just not that kind of person... I dunno. Anyway. NOT important.

I went out on Saturday night and got bought drinks the entire evening. But obviously I can't drink so I threw them away. Whoops. It was nice feeling pretty. But I pretty much just wanted to go cuddle with my ex instead. My best friend is getting rather large. She is crossing over into the higher BMI's. But she refuses to dress differently and wears really tiny clothing that is just not looking good. I don't know if I should say something. Like, if she thinks she is dead sexy and confident and shit, I don't want to ruin it by telling her she is a bit... hippo-esk. God, I am a horrible person. SERIOUSLY, I know I sound like such a bitch. I am aware. FUCK FUCK. Bunnies, I love bunnies.

Anyway, I think I best just leave this here for now. The stuff is called purple haze - and let me tell you. IT. IS. AWESOME. Much love to all me ladies, I have been reading dear petals, but I am failing so miserably at not being a ginormous elephant pig that I find it difficult to motivate. :( But I am reading.

Peace & Bubbles
Xo Xo

My scale must be fucked.

Yesterday was a good day until about 1am. I managed to have a cup of coffee with fat free milk, an skinny iced coffee, a honey latte (okay I know this isn't great) and about half a mango. I was also running around yesterday for work, so all in all it was good. I mean, running up and down streets dropping things off, up and down the restaurant. Then I got home with the ex, brought him this tandoori style chicken thing with a garlic nan which we ate together. Then god... I'm so embarrassed. Then I ate a whole bowl of basil pesto pasta. :( FUCK! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like now that I have reached my first goal weight, all my willpower is gone. FUCK it's horrible. I don't know what to do about it as well. *cry*

On another note, in the restaurant last night we had Francois Piennar (my US followers may have heard of him, in the movie INVICTUS - Matt Damon played him - not quite as hot though. Matt Damon - a weakness of mine.) - who is the 1995 World Cup Winning SA Rugby Captain. And also had James Horwill - who is the current Australian rugby captain. WHO IS HAWT! So hot. I made sure to prance past their table a few times, I'm sure he gave me a look or two. Arrogant much? *cry* I got a compliment from my manager who is kind of cute, who said I am prettier than the hostess in our upstairs restaurant. WHO I think is absolutely gorgeous. Funny thing is, I don't believe them for a second. I know, objectively I am not ugly - but then I think - my eyes are too small, my nose is a little bumpy, my cheeks are SO fat, my head is just too big. I guess it's the same thing when us ED folk look in the mirror. I know I'm not "fat" but when I look in the mirror, it is ALL I SEE. Jiggle. My fat flabby stomach, my fat ass, my huge bingo wings, fatty inner thighs, back fat, double chin. Gross. I can't see my ribs unless I stretch, I can't see my hips unless I'm lying down. I have a fat ugly pooch. SUCH a fat stomach.

My ex said to me today - "you definitely have a very bad eating disorder" - I laughed. I don't even think he knows what a mutha fucken eating disorder is. He has NO idea. I thought of some of the girls I read about - that consistently eat 100 cals per day, or that throw up everything they eat. I am not bad at all. ANYWAY, the topic of my post. SO despite the fact that I am eating like a fat disgusting pig, the scale told me I weighed 59.7kg/131.6lbs this morning. Which is a bullshit lie. I don't even know how that is possible. I mean fuck it, really. I look so enormous. *sigh* SO I'm going to my mom later tonight, I'll weigh myself there. She has a scale. I am at least 62kg. That is the true number I am sure.

Tomorrow is my graduation day. I fetched my gown this morning. So in honour of it, I am going to fruit fast today. I have had some grapes and a mango. Yum yum, I have decided that the reason I love fruit fasts so much is because, you eat throughout the day - ED dream and the calories are low-ish. And it helps your system to... er... work. So the fruit doesn't sit and rot in your stomach for weeks like with normal fasting. Anyway, so it's my new thing. Also, now that I am down to 60 (allegedly), I don't feel like I need to drop super fast - I mean 1lb a week without the yo yo would be nice. HAHAHA WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING!? I don't give a crap about healthy weight loss. I want to be 56 NOW GODDAMN! NOW! I feel like I definitely can be by New Years Eve. If I am, then I am partying in a bikini and never taking it off.

I should make quite a bit of money by the middle of January with all the working at this restaurant I will be doing between now and then. So I plan to buy lots of new clothes, a hair cut and a new tattoo on my thigh. I have changed my mind about what I want it to say, instead of the memento mori idea, I am going to have a latin translation of live without fear. Because, that is my new years resolution for 2012. I am conquering fears. I am so sick and tired of being scared of everything. SO this must be done.

Anyway, wish me luck for grad? Maybe I'll be in the (alleged) 58's by tomorrow morning. Must however stay hydrated.

Fat & Thin
Xo Xo

I'm a KILLER QUEEN!

Right, so firstly I have been binging for two days. Tomorrow this ends. I have totally let myself go. DISGUSTING! So the plan is to lose this nasty kg that has crept up this week and then I know that I said I would post pics when I got to 60 which has been like two weeks now, so I promise to post pics as soon as I get back to 60. Tomorrow I shall fruit fast. OMG I talk about fruit fasting so much.

I am so tired. Worked from 7am till about half an hour ago - that's 14 hours bitches. FUCK! I am so tired. I am also still sexing the ex and now it's getting cute again, but I know it's not real. It hurts so bad. :( On the plus side, I think that once I move out it will all be okay with me. I will find someone new and move on. I can't let this boy define my life.

I have very little to report back on. I will post tomorrow - a better more coherent post. I'm just so tired. Fat Piggy OUT!

Fatigue & Loneliness
Xo Xo

Big Fat Piggy

I woke up this morning at 59.2. FUCK YEAH! But then, as always I binged today like a mutha fucker. I had a mini meltdown yesterday with the ex about all the shit that has been happening. He made it very clear that he doesn't care about me at all and that all he wants is for me to move out. But then he said later that he was only angry and didn't mean it. Then today, it's back to the sexing and cutesy cuddly crap. I am so over his little games and all of this shit. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am starting to get so sick of this shit and am seeing that he isn't the stable amazing guy that I knew, he is just as crazy as I am. The only difference is that I know that I am crazy. Like - what. the. fuck. Anyway, so I am still moving in three weeks. Got a nice email from the guy this morning inviting me round for dinner to meet the other boys.

I bet I am going to weigh at least 62 tomorrow. Guess what? Tomorrow is the start of another fruit fast. It is graduation on Saturday and I can't look fat. One of my best ladies is coming over tomorrow and we are going to do mani pedis and talk about all things grad. I CANNOT WAIT!

I booked a ticket to go to a festival over new years, which I am so excited about. The hot friend of my ex, with whom I cheated (YES, I KNOW!?) is going to be at the same festival. Maybe a perfect way of getting over him. I am so sick of being so needy and insecure. I NEED TO FUCKING GET OVER IT! I hate that all I want to do is replace one boy with another - WON'T SOMEONE LOVE ME!? I hate that all I do is sit and obsess about how I can make myself better so that he will love me. I mean, on paper I am the best he will ever do. I am tall and pretty, "thin", smart, ambitious. Fuck, I am amazing on paper. (I really am not this arrogant, but it is not beyond me to see why I am objectively a "catch") But why am I so fucked up. My credentials get the boys interested, then I crazy out and scare them away. This borderline shit is killing me.

OH and so last night, after my freak out - I started drinking. Which I was specifically told by two of my doctors to NOT do, because of the liver damage issue resulting from the overdose. So I drank a bottle of wine, pissed off my ass and got so upset that I started doing crazy shit. Like walking around the streets, climbing trees and announcing to my ex "I am going to cut myself now" before marching upstairs and giving myself five cute little cuts on my stomach. FUCK SAKES!

A whole bunch of crazy for this fat piggy. *SIGH* GRADUATION GRADUATION GRADUATION!

Love & Crazy
Xo Xo

Just. Fuck.

I started writing about the fucked up evening that happened with the ex last night. But I don't have the energy to rehash what happened yesterday. *sigh* Anyway, suffice to say that I think one of two things is going to happen today - either we are going to decide that this is ALL over. No more. Or we will try work it out. Personally, and I know this is fucking stupid with everything that has happened, I want it to work. I love him with all my heart. But obviously, that isn't necessarily enough.

Yesterday I had an apple, two litchies, two plums, a handful of crisps and a veggie spring roll. I had planned a fruit fast but alas, that did not work out. But then fate intervened, because I wanted to eat yesterday, no doubt about that. But then my ex, who works at the same restaurant walked past me while I was eating the spring roll like a fat little pig and said something about all the fat on my hips. Well. Fuck him. So I decided to not eat anymore which I didn't. And lo and behold I was rewarded this morning when I stepped on the scale I weighed 59.6kg. Which means I am 4lbs down from yesterday - food weight - must've been. And that is just fantastic. Also means my BMI is now 18.8. Can I get a FUCK YEAH!?

Today I am going to fruit fast again. Although, I had a cup of tea with milk. I just needed it. But I think I can hit the fruit decently, cuz I bought a whole bunch including loads of mangoes. Anyway. *sigh* I feel so despondent. I don't know why. *SIGH*

I will post again a bit later maybe when I feel a bit inspired. *sigh* Cheers to the freakin' weekend!

Strength & Love
Xo Xo

Cycles of Starving

I was wondering you know, about how it is that you are motivated for a while and then you lose it and fatten up. Then reading some of the other blogs (I FINALLY GOT A CHANCE TO CATCH UP - FUCK YEAH!) and I noticed that everyone is in a similar cycle at the moment. What do I mean? The last week has been a 'I reached my GW1 and now I can eat a little more' funk - then I looked in the mirror and my god, I have put on like 4lbs in this last week and I LOOK LIKE DUMBOS BIG SISTER FATPIGLEPHANT! Anyway. But I know that I have done this before. Where you get down to a nice weight *starve starve starve starve* and then you let it go for a while, fatten up, pig out, stretch those piggy thighs and then get a shock when you see yourself or weigh yourself and you are a fat fucking disgusting pig - then the cycle starts again. You gain motivation. Start the three day fasts, fruit fasts, soup diets, juice fasts, ABC, SGD, water fast, 500-cal restrictions. You know what I mean?

That's where I am today. I got my period yesterday - so obviously, I look like a blue whale. So today, I am either going to 500 cal it, or I am going to fruit fast - coffee and diet coke fast. Maybe. Either way. If I don't lose by tomorrow, then I am going to fast tomorrow. Actually, I think I am feeling a fruit fast. I really enjoyed it last time. I am so fat. :(

SO, a couple of things. I am so terrible at responding to comments, it is fucking disgusting. I am 24. Also, if you want to BBM me, email me your pin, or leave yours, I dunno. I am keen. :) I really enjoy talking to my George on BBM, so I am assuming everyone is just that awesome. Life has been so hectic and busy lately that I haven't had a chance to get back to emails from people and I am so sorry if I haven't. Also I am finding it hard to keep up with the blogs of my new followers. I haven't even looked at most of the new profiles. So please, if your blog is awesome and inspirational and amazing - as all my followers are :D then leave a comment and I shall check it out.

People are at me about my weight. My ex said I look like a heroine addict. People are saying I am TOO thin. OH yes, which brings me to my next point. I always think that once my BMI hits 18.5 then I will be skinny looking. I didn't account for the lbs leading up to that, that maybe I already look skinny. Which you know, fuck it, I don't think I do. My mother told me that I look shocking, my best friends are at me about it - although the one is just worried that my 'bulimia' will become dangerous and the other I am sure is just really jealous that I am thinner than her for once. Suck it up and starve bitch. I love her - so this isn't meant in a bad way. But if you are jealous, then put down that fucking cheese sandwich for god sakes.

Enough ranting from me for today I think.

Love & Skinny
Xo Xo

And that's that

There was sex last night also. It was awesome. But today I payed the deposit on my new place, and that - it would seem - is that. I am a little sad that he didn't ask me to stay. I'm sad that he doesn't want me here. I don't understand what the past two days have been about. But it is over. And that is that. I am also now broke for the rest of the month. Fuck fuck. And as soon as I get my next salary - that will also go to the rest of my deposit and rent. Fuck fuck.

Weight is unstable. I haven't been trying. I am going to start a fruit fast tomorrow. Will just start with tomorrow and Sunday. Will see after Sunday how I feel and possibly do a raw three days. Or something.

I'm really happy because I am moving out and moving on. But I am also really sad. :(

Happiness & Despair
Xo Xo

When the Shit hits the Fan

... Which is exactly what happened yesterday.

Firstly, my weight has been stable on 60kg for the last two days. Everyone is giving me shit about it, so I am going to be stable this week and hopefully lose like crazy next week. :)

Then. OH MY GOD. Okay so the thing that happened that I couldn't talk about was that I cheated on the ex with his friend. I was going to tell him the next day, but in some kind of divine intervention I got a guilt laiden phone call from the friend begging me not to because although our relationship was over, their friendship blah blah blah. Okay, not my finest hour. But I was so drunk, although not an excuse. Anyway, so he found out about this. And he screamed at me for about half an hour - the nastiest most horrible half hour of my life. I can't even... Anyway. Then he stopped gave me a hug and told me that even though he was mad he still loves me. That he isn't "okay" with the breakup and he just has to keep it together - I'm not sure I believe this.

He started saying things like I understand how when you have a long break up, one of the people always come crawling back... I'm not sure what he was saying with this, but I am assuming it meant he was considering getting back together before he found out... Which, I don't think I would. He said he was a shit boyfriend (NO!?) and then started saying that he has so much mixed emotion, he just wants to kiss me. Then we had sex. I know I am not the kind of person to share these kinds of details, especially on my blog. But it is germane to the story. Then fell asleep cuddling like we used to. And woke up and had sex again. Everything is better than fine. He's chatty and responsive. Just so awesome. Right, so now that I have told the events of the evening. Queue freak out.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??? How can he not be mad with me? Fuck sakes, I cheated on him, with his best fucking friend and he is totally fine with it. He is acting as if we are all fine and friends and being intimate. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? Can someone please call me a doctor so he can have his mutha fucken head checked because he is supposed to hate me. NOT be wanting me more!? WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?

In other news, I found somewhere to live for myself and my baby kitten. It is in a house with four guys (I'm like Wendy from Peter Pan). It is a tiny little bedroom with no space, but they seem like cool guys and I found out yesterday that I got the place. Epic.

I still haven't had a chance to catch up on blogs. Things are a bit hectic with hospital, work, the ex, moving and graduation. Should hear about Masters soon and hopefully some funding too. I need to be a Judge in twenty years. Gotta get on that shit. Everyone is commenting on my weight. My friends mom called me Skin and Bones (DIE OF HAPPINESS). I LOVE IT! But 4 more kgs. Just 4.

Confusion & Optimism
Xo Xo

GOAL!

So in a surprising turn of events, I got discharged yesterday. The doctor came round and said my INR was 1.1. Where normal is 1. And that I'd been on the rat poison for over a week and they generally only put you on for a week, so I need to go back tomorrow for a blood test and then it looks like I shall be fine. More over which, I can drink again in a month or two. So ya, fucking happy penguin dance much!?

Then to continue the good news, I got home and weighed in at 60.3kg/133lbs. MIRACULOUS! I tell you, MIRACULOUS! THEN I had dinner last night, which was the only thing I ate all day. A bunch of mexican style fries with tomato sauce (craving tomato sauce like a preggers biatch), two chilli poppers and a few nachos. Then a few bites of ice cream even! My blood pressure was really low yesterday morning. So, that's my excuse, not that there is actually an excuse. But anyway. SO this morning I woke up and weighed - get this - 59.9/132. HOLY SHIT BALLS YOU SAY!? You are right. Fuck it. That is my original goal weight. GW1!! Only another 4kgs till my UGW. Although the shrink tells me that this is a moving goal post for a bulimic. WHATEVER. Whoop. So my BMI is 18.9 FUCK YEAH! :D :D

The boy and I fought all of yesterday yet somehow ended up cuddling during the night. Old habits. I want to stab him in the temple. BUT obviously, I'm not an axe murderer so I won't. Looking for a new place to live which is exciting. I think I am going to move into a sharehouse with some students or something. Sounds like the best idea for me and then my kitten won't be lonely when he leaves his dad. Which is another source of guilt all on it's own. But he is my fucking cat. I can't wait to move on and close this chapter of my life. I am so scared of being alone. What if I don't find someone as awesome as him ever again!? But saying that, anything is better than this.

Welcome to my new followers, you've missed quite a bit up to this point, but hopefully this will make for some interesting readings. My goal for the holidays is to not fall into my usual self destructive pattern of messiness. No sleeping around, no crazy all night benders for whole weekends. Find a nice boy. Don't fall for his lies. Make sure my kitten is looked after, lose 4 more kgs to be at UGW! Woot. It's funny though, because I still look fat. I'm not sure where the weight is going, but maybe the scale is lying.

Thanks for all the comments and support. Can't wait to catch up on the blogesphere later!

Love & Misery
Xo Xo

Makes Me Cry

Still in hospital. Fuck fuck fuck. I just want to go home. I hate this place. The ward I'm in may as well be an old age home because the other five women are almost dead. Its disgusting. Well... Okay they can't help it they are old but it definitely confirms my fear of getting to that age. They are like fucking dinosaurs stuck in a tar pit. All they do is eat, moan and shit their beds. It is DISGUSTING. My liver is slowly recovering. My ALT levels are down to about 1000 - which is good considering what they were a few days ago. I am still getting routinely pumped full of rat poison (parvolex for Judith) which is supposedly helping. Well I mean it is helping since my liver is still functioning and I'm not dead yet. I am hoping to be out of here by Wednesday, but I suspect this may be wishful thinking. I am also getting SO fat. I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I started crying and grabbing. Why are you SO fucking fat you little fat piggy!! I wish I had a scale. I want to ask the ex to bring mine here but they are already watching me like a hawk. Fuck fuck. So I'm fruit fasting today. I know I should be eating to recover but I am planning on eating a lot of fruit. But god I can't be fat at graduation on the 17th. I mean. I won't be able to retake those pictures and I will not look like an obese whale!! Fuck it Piggy - get it together. The boy is still being ambiguous. He was here last night and for once he was my only visitor. And he brought pizza and hopped in my bed and we cuddled. Which felt so good but its not real. I won't let him break my heart twice. No ways, I may be a fat piggy but I am not a stupid piggy. And he was kissing my hair and when he left my pillow smelt like him which also made me cry. :( But he won't do this to me again. Whenever I talk about moving out he keeps repeating - let's just take it one day at a time. He doesn't get to do this to me twice. He doesn't. He doesn't. He fucking doesn't. Shit piss fuck cunt. He fucking does not get to do this to me twice. I want someone to be proud of me. I want someone who is excited to see me. I want someone who is like he and I were in the beginning and he will never be that. Strong strong strong! He wants to go to medical school which I think is fantastic. All I can think is how much I want to be his wife. A doctor and a judge. It would be perfect. No piggy. No no no. They said I probably won't be able to have children after this episode because liver damage makes pregnancy very unsafe. Which is awesome by me. Is it weird that I'm excited by infertility? Hahaha. Anyway. Thank you for all the wonderful words of support and wisdom that have come from all you lovely beautiful flowers. Sometimes I think you're the only real friends that I have. I can't tell anyone else all of this without lectures and judgment and awkward questions. Welcome to my new followers, sorry you had to join to a suicidal piggy. Promise it won't happen again though. I can't wait to catch up with everyone. I can't really remember the comments I need to respond to and I'm on my blackberry so its a bit difficult to see them. I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME! If there is anything though you of course can email me - the address is on the left sidebar. Well the only sidebar. Respect & Love Xo Xo

"Good" News

It looks like I'm not going to die. Which is good, right? Ahh fuck. Man. I'm still going to be here for another week at least. Okay so normal ALT levels are 0 - 40. On tuesday mine was 300. Then on Wednesday instead of dropping they went up to 4900. Then yesterday they dropped to 4300. Which is apparently good news. So now they are pumping me full of this rat poison drug, but its good as far as I know because I guess anything is better than a fucking transplant. But yes, let's hope that more than a third of my liver survives, because then I'm toast. The boy came to visit yesterday. He brings lunch for two and we eat. I'm slowly coming to terms with us being over. Which is nice of course. But then yesterday he came here and was touching my leg and making inappropriate eye contact. He also did this thing that we used to do when we were still... (in love/happy/together) where we would look at each other and blink but keep eyes closed for a second or two. It was an "I love you" thing. He did that yesterday. Not. Cool. *cries* I don't need more confusion. I want him to mean it. But he doesn't. So today we are going to have an awkward conversation. I'm so sick of being here. I can feel myself get fatter and fatter. Gonna be like 70 when I get out of here. Fuck fuck fuck!! :( :( Then its graduation so I'm going to have to fast as soon as I get out. I'll do the fruit fast again for my liver :) :) I am also really fucking bored. I wish I had internet. God - no more fucking overdoses. This is bullshit. Two weeks in hospital and a damaged liver. Goddammit. Thanks for the comments and support lovely petals. It means so much to me! Peace & Hope Xo Xo

Fuckety Fuck

Not great news I'm afraid, my liver isn't responding to the medication they use to stop the paracetemol from binge-fest 2011 on my liver so if my enzymes (ALT - for Judith) don't come down in the next 36 hours I will go into acute liver failure and need a transplant... Or die. I'm doing okay though despite this news, I'm not sure if its because I think I will be fine or because I genuinely think I can handle it. All I know is that I need to be fighting fit for graduation on the 17th. I probably won't be able to drink ever again. But again, this is the choice I've made. I was soooo sick yesterday - super nauseous and light headed. Had a crazy fever too. My temperature was yo-yoing between 35 and 37C the whole day. I forced myself to eat half a sandwich and a nectarine... Oh and a grape. Still feel like I'm putting on muchos weight. I'm just worried that if my liver gets fuck fucked up then my metabolism won't work and I will get fat no matter how much I starve. Today I feel good though - not feverish and I actually feel hungry. Which is fantastic. So I'm thinking that this must be a good sign and hopefully my blood tests agree with me. I really don't want a transplant if I can help it. I made the boy cry. The ex-boy. He says he is angry and feels like a coward. Despite all of this I still wish he'd love me. I need perspective. Tonight is Dead Mau5 in Cape Town. I wish I could go. :( I would totally lose my tits! Wow. So bleak. I don't blame anyone for this because I hurt myself like this, I took the pills - but he made me feel this way. He drove me to it. But that is unfair to say. Unfair to put on him. I don't know how to explain. Its like it is his fault, but not. But I can't blame him because no one needs the guilt of having to know that they drove someone to such lengths. Thank you for all the amazing support. I'm expecting a full diagnostic report from Judith Marie and another love letter from my George. :) I can't wait to get out so I can start catching up with everyone else. Feel like I haven't spoken to my friends in ages. Love & Liver Xo Xo

My Aching Liver

Just another quick post from my hospital bed to let you all know that I'm okay. I had a session today with the psychiatrist and he said that he can't diagnose me from one session but preliminarily it appears as if I have borderline personality disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and bulimia (no surprises there). It was a bit tough talking to him but I actually like an trust him, so I am going to try see him again. My liver has taken a beating with the drugs. So I'm still here to make sure it doesn't give up on me. My sister and ex are going for trauma counselling although I'm sure he still just wants to get rid of me. Oh ya and the biggest news. My lovely supportive amazing darlings. I passed all my exams. I have a bachelor of law. I am a lawyer. My marks weren't fantastic but I passed. I was so happy I bawled like a little girl. Fat Piggy (LLB). Has a nice ring to it. :) :) Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. They came straight to my phone which hasn't left my side. Especially to my lovely Judith Marie and Sammy. I can't tell you how much I cried when I read yours. It means so much to me that I'm part of your life because you are SO much part of mine. Its funny being on the other side of this. But I'm going to get better I promise. Obviously I'm still on my quest for size 0 that won't change. Love & Peace & LLB Xo Xo

Hospital

Yesterday I took a bottle of pills and now I'm lying here in the hospital. I just couldn't anymore. It was actually very logical and sane - the process. But the flaw was taking paracetemol. Because it takes about 16 hours to kill you. Next time narcotics all the way. So the ex and sister brought me here. And now I'm under psychiatric observation because this was the second attempt. It hasn't changed anything and I just feel worse. I still want to die. But with every attempt I am learning new things I guess. When the ER doctor asked me how much I weighed, I proudly and non chalantly said "60" CUZ ITS TRUE! Anyway but since I got here they have been pumping me full of glucose. So probably going to look like a whale when I leave here. I have a new idol: Freddy Mercury. He seems just as mad as me. *sigh* I wish he would just love me again. No matter what I do he never will. :( Despair & Loneliness Xo Xo

I don't know what to do...

... I just want out.

I am so lonely. I need weed or sleeping pills. I just need to not feel like this. Fuck. I am contemplating the best time to do it. I just don't want to put my family through it. I am scared that I won't die, I couldn't handle the rehab process again.

I need to find out how to do this without failing.

I binged yesterday. 61kg today. I'm sure it's just food weight.

Sadness & Despair
Xo Xo

Fuck this shit!

The last two days have been hell. So we broke up and now have to live together for another two months and I need to pretend that I don't care that he is not coming home, partying all night and fucking other skank bitch whores. FUCKING WHORES! Anyway, the good thing about this is that I stuck to my fruit fast for an extra day. So for three days all I ate was five apples, one cantaloupe, a nectarine and a plum. And loads of green tea. That's it. No coffee or tea. Nothing. Okay there were a couple glasses of wine in there, but come on man, my boyfriend just dumped me.

I also now have a fuck buddy in the wings. Problem is that I can only have sex with him when I am blind drunk, because I REALLY don't find him attractive. But he was getting weirdly possessive of me last night, like in the kind of way that makes me think that I really don't want to dabble. But I guess for now what I am doing is filling a hole - an emotional hole. So, ya why not. I don't do loneliness very well.

SO after my three days of fruit fasting I was 60.1kg this morning. 0.1 away from my first Goal weight. Only 5kgs from my UGW. I'm so excited.

Thanks for all the kind words of support and love. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on blogs, but the situation is just a bit intense at home so I am trying not to be here. At all.

Love & Hope
Xo Xo

And so it's over.

We broke up last night...

... and then I punched a wall.

Tears & Anger
Xo Xo

Defeated by the Universe...

... is how I feel right. Fuck. Wow. Just tired and run down. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Day two of the fruit fast has gone well. I had to make a huge dinner for my whole family, which is no small feat let me tell you. And so I did. And managed to pull a 'I feel sick' so that I didn't have to eat. Also had to field question after question about my weight *sigh* I wish they would just leave me alone. But anyway, at least I am noticeably losing. Which is great :) :)

I have had two apples, three cups of green tea and half a cantaloupe today. That's it. Wow, I'm almost too tired to be proud of myself.

I have a fitting tomorrow with designers for the fashion show tomorrow morning. Which I am rather looking forward too. Unless nothing fits me. In which case, I am going to feel like shit. Fuck, I am actually quite nervous. Fuckety Fuck.  Going to have a quick glass of wine with my neighbour shortly. Who is this awesome little skinny bitch - but in the BEST possible way. I have given up on myself and the boy. Going to move out at the end of January. And that's fine by me. I wish April would come so that I can get to London.

*sigh* You know, my gran said to me tonight, in relation to my weight loss - "you got to take care of yourself, because nobody else will." Wise old lady.

Strength & Courage
Xo Xo

No dear, she's a total fruit!

SOOO I have had a realisation about stuff. I need to eat more regularly to avoid the binges. Because, I can fast no problem, but then the next day - or whatever if I fast for more than one day - then it's on bitches. On like donkey kong! And when it rains it pours. SO I Binge like a fucking starved zombie maniac. But PFFFFT silly me, I don't have to tell you guys, because you know how it goes. But also. I mean I am really scared of starting to eat early in the day, because usually when I do this, my willpower disappears and I binge. FUCKING binges. If you do X then you binge, if you do Y then you binge, if you Z then you binge. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Anyway, not important.

Today I planned on only doing green tea and five apples. I have had an ass load of green tea today and two apples so far. I promise you it has taken all of my willpower not to eat the brownies my mom made yesterday. Even more to say no to chips. EVEN more to say no to just about every yummy thing in the store when we went grocery shopping now. BUT instead I bought some nectarines, which are my favourite fruit. What I plan to do is fruit fast today and tomorrow. Since it's almost 9pm now, today is sealed. And tomorrow also a fruit fast. An apple at 9am, another at 1pm, 5pm and then some more for dinner. I am going to have half a melon now. I check the calorie content on the melon and half of one should be about 150 calories. With the two apples today that should be around 300 tops. Which is great. And until about 20 minutes ago, I haven't felt hungry all day. But you know what, fuck it - green tea makes me feel so good. Like healthy.

After tomorrow, I want to do raw from Friday till Sunday. I am super busy from Friday onwards, so hopefully I won't be tempted. I also am going to try not drink this weekend, which should be easy since I am WAY too fucking broke to buy booze. I should be getting some cash on Saturday. I'm hoping to be 60/132 by the end of the week. Hopefully. :) :)

Thanks for all the lovely support and comments. I am trying to keep it together, but I have noticed on the blogs this week, we are mostly not doing so great. But come on ladies (& William) - we can do this. We can totally get through the holiday season! :) I think the trick is to accept that on Christmas, we will binge. And make sure that the day before and after we are well behaved to make up for it.

One of the primary things that I worry about with becoming skinny is losing my hair. I saw the most amazing thinspo pic of this girl with super thick hair and the greatest thigh gap you ever did see. FUCK I wish I had fucking saved that pic. Anyway.

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts
Xo Xo

Binge.

I binged today - I serious way. I also ran everywhere I went to try mitigate, but I really don't think there is much I can do about the eat fest I had today. It started at my moms house and then continued till I got home. OH well. I really have been slipping these last few weeks. WOW. Explains why I have lost anything. This morning I was 136. BUT I NEED TO GET TO 132. Okay. So the plan then is to fast tomorrow and Thursday. I am sure with enough coffee and pepsi max, I can totally do this.

All the disgusting cheese and tortilla in my stomach makes me want to throw up. I don't know how I slipped this far back. HOW HOW. It is so disgusting. OH and I am back in the fashion show. They called me today and said that the omission from the list was an oversight. Fuckers. Oh and this was also mid way through my binge. And I managed to do so well yesterday. OKAY. I can get to 132. I can I can I can I must. And I need to do it by next Wednesday - the fashion show. I can I MUST!

Maybe tomorrow I will do an apple fast. Apple and green tea fast. Yes, I think I shall do that. Apple at 9am, another at 1pm, another 5pm and two (piggy!) at about 7pm. And a cup of green tea with each. I think I shall do that. :) God, if anyone has advice...

Sorry if I don't reply to comments. I always mean to and then I don't. I am totally keen to text, well more like if people have a blackberry and iphone with whatsapp, cuz I don't live in the US so it will be quite expensive. But yeah, leave me your phone numbers/BB pins and I shall add you :) I'm really sorry I have been failing so miserably at this. I'm just a fat piggy after all. :( :( I promise to be better tomorrow. Will see how it goes with the apple and green tea fast. I'm so thirsty today. God, I feel like such a failure.

Strength & Misery
Xo Xo

My New Little VERY FUCKED UP Game

I have very little to say tonight, I'm afraid. I planned on fasting today. Which I kinda did. OKAY let's confess quick, a fast is not a proper water fast for me. It ALWAYS has coffee and tea. ALWAYS! And okay diet soda. Because, like I can't go without coffee or tea for a day. So my intake will always include a little bit of calories from milk and coffee. So last night I made Mr enchiladas for dinner. I made myself mushrooms with chilli and garlic - no tortilla or cheese or anything. THEN I had a tablespoon of guacomole (which was only mushed up avocado, nothing else) and a tablespoon of low fat smooth cottage cheese. And I ate that. This morning, not only did I wake up at 63.2 (2lbs/1kg heavier than yesterday), I also had a stomach like a fucking preggers person! WTF! So today, I was like FUCK THAT you fat little bitch - fast. But then, my brother trotted in with a box of homemade chocolate chip cookies - not like huge or anything - probably about 2'' diametre and I just snatched one like a fucking little piggy. I swear I grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. It was insane. Anyway, so I haven't eaten anything else today, and I FUCKING WON'T! Going to bed soon anyway...

So my new little fucked game that I play. My boyfriend upsets me a lot. Because he is very inconsiderate. And my new thing is trying to get my own back. NOW, I realise I have a pretty fucked up relationship with him, but suffice to say that he isn't happy despite my best intentions - so I'm waiting out the 'festive' season and then we will be parting ways. BUT we haven't broken up yet. It's a messed up situation. But what I do is use the ED stuff to freak him out a bit. He is pretty terrified of saying anything to me about it, despite the fact that he does 'know' about it. Either he doesn't care, doesn't believe me, doesn't think it's an issue or doesn't want to hassle me about it - for whatever reason he shuts up about it. But I know it pisses him off when I don't eat or skip meals. So lately what I have been doing is using that to irritate him. This evening for example, he has had a rubbish stressed day and I fell asleep (because unlike him, I don't sleep at night very well) and he just left. Not only did he just go out without telling me or inviting me - he also said he had 'tried to wake me', I was still conscious when he left, but I wasn't gonna stop him - he did NOTHING OF THE SORT. Fuck him. Anyway. So when he got back he asked if I wanted dinner. So I told him - oh no I had a cookie this afternoon, so I'm fasting till Friday (not true... well maybe I will). So he freaked out. I giggled. Before, he asked me why I wouldn't eat if I was hungry - I told him that he isn't the only one that is allowed to punish me. And you know, I trully do feel that way. He punishes me for things I do. And not horrible things. Like falling asleep today. Or talking too much. Anyway, not important for right now. But that is my new stupid fucking game. And you know, it does kind of amuse me.

In other news, I am starting as a hostess at a very awesome restaurant which I used to work at on Friday. I can't wait. I used to be a waiter, which sucked because you aren't the beautiful one at the front. I was the grubby one covered in soy sauce. Not anymore. So i get to get dressed up to go to work. It is going to be awesome. Then as soon as I get paid - blonde hair and tattoo. Will post a pic - promise. SO I need to restrict/fast like a ninja this week so I'm super skinny for Friday. Hopefully will have broken 60 by then. Because I'm sure there is at least 2lbs of food weight in me right now. NEED TO RID MYSELF OF THIS FUCKING ASSNESS IMMEDIATELY. But I don't purge. Whatever. Fruit? I really want to try a few days of raw, but I need milk in my coffee man. AND coffee for that matter. Do you get raw coffee?

What a ramble.

Love & Sunshine
Xo Xo

Bulimia?

So apparently, my 'eating disorder' - I still question whether or not I have this, as I really don't think there is anything wrong with me - is more akin to Bulimia than Ana. HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT? Because I don't purge/abuse laxatives. I thought this meant that I couldn't possibly be bulimic. I know, definitely knew, that whatever my weird eating habits are, it definitely isn't anorexia, because I'm not even thin, let alone thin enough for ana. ANYWAY, so I was reading proanaonline.com last night and my cycle of binging and fasting is actually a bulimia vibe. WEIRD!!! Because for the past two months, I have been binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. I stopped restricting a while back - the 500 a day vibe, because I found that I liked fasting better. AND NOW. Wow. Anyway, so that's my little nugget of info for today.

I binged yesterday after a two day fast. I had a huge late, a sandwich with lettuce, tomato and cream cheese, two chicken schnitzel breasts and some pasta stuff (360), so I think I had about 1000 cals. I haven't eaten much today, I mean fuck okay. SO OTHER NEWS - I have been dropped from the fashion show on the 30th, but pretty resolute that I am going to change agencies. Because this one just isn't promoting me. SO, gonna cancel my shit with them on Monday. SO after finding this out, obviously in a fucking god awful mood when I got home. I then got invited round to the neighbour for a drink and I nibbled on some snacky things, but definitely less than 200. SOO I have had 200 cals today. Going to try keep it under 500. Wow, I feel like 300 cals for today is actually quite a little feast I get to look forward to... hmmm. OO I totally want soup!

Back to the mia vibe, I obviously don't think I am bulimic, I just thought it was interesting that I am more symptomatic of that than any other eating disorder. I am defo's not ana and I don't like EDNOS as something that defines me, because well... Anyone with a weird eating habit could be EDNOS, so maybe EDNOS is just a catch all. I dunno. I am just serious about being skinny. That's all. Maybe I am a tiny bit eating disordered, but whatever - who isn't.

I was watching a bunch of ED related youtube videos yesterday. WOWOWOWOW amazing thinspo. I hope I don't get forced into recovery. But then, I don't think I will ever get bad enough to need it. AND ALSO, I think it's really fucked up, but I do expect to gain all the weight back. In other words, I expect, like with most things, to fail miserably.

WOW this has turned into a fuck depressing post of note. Wha'evs. I have a headache. I feel like some coffeee.... hmmmm... If anyone has any good links or anything to share, please can you send them to me.

Peace, Love & Courage
Xo Xo

Food Weight

I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk off my ass. FUCK! What did I do last night!?? OMG. Well firstly,  I haven't eaten in two days. Successful fast *thumbs up* which makes this my longest fast ever...57ish hours. YAY! Gonna see how long I can keep this going. Although, I WANT FOOOOOD NOW! Weighed in at 61.2 this morning which is AMAZEBALLS! I wonder though like if that means I have lost, or just don't have any excess "food weight" Hopefully I shall be in the 60's by Sunday. Tomorrow. FUCK TOMORROW IS SUNDAY ALREADY! *cry*

Watched the cricket last night and just got SO drunk so quickly. Obviously fasting for two days and drinking on a VERY empty stomach was not the best idea, but it was nice to not have eaten. Whoop! Then today it is SO hot which is lovely. The downstairs area of my house is so nice and cool though. So it makes it rather nice. I fetched the boy from the airport about an hour ago and he bought me a Louis Vuitton bag! I was a bit shocked. Rather extravagent gift, I think. Also TOTALLY not my style but hey whatever. It's LV baby. Wow I sound seriously superficial. Anyway.

Fuck not much else to add, except OH JA thanks for all the amazing comments. Skinny listed my blog on proanaonline.com. AMAZED! :D :D I fucking love you guys.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

FUCK ME!!

Oh my fucking god! You will never believe this! Stoked happy dance - fuck it - HAPPY PENGUIN DANCE! SO my mother gave me a pair of jeans today. They look so small omg. Anyway I looked at the tag and it said 28 - which is a UK 4! OMG OMG OMG OMG! I can't believe it. OMG OMG OMG. I think it even may be a US 0. OMG. Okay, truth be told, they are a little bit tight. Like a little tight. I will be happier when they are baggy. I am never eating ever again. I fasted today. Gonna try fast till Saturday?

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I am very stoned right now. I will blog when in better condition.

Sid & Nancy
Xo Xo

Arb Ass Week of Nasty Circus

WowWOw I haven't posted in like three days. GOD it feels like forever. I have binged pretty much nonstop since Saturday, which is FUCKING DISGUSTING considering I wanted to hop on to a 5 day fast. I am going to attempt a fast tomorrow and friday. I CAN DO THIS! *psyched* I weighed myself this morning and I was 63.5 FUCK FUCK FUCK.


The friend of the boy turns 30 on Saturday (OLD right?) and he is having a 'white trash' themed party. I need to be skinny awesome for that party. FUck IT IS GONNA BE SICKKKK! The boy is currently in Turkey on business. He was raving about some other woman from home that he met there. I can't stop thinking that he's doing something there... Weird, because then I kinda recoil from that and think that even if something was happening, I probably wouldn't want to know. SAD!! Anyway, not important. He loves me again for now. I'm still moving back to London. I'm not disposable.

This week so far has been an interesting one for hanging out with some friends that I haven't seen. Including the cute boy from the beer commercial shoot - he came round to chill... He seemed a little flirty... maybe... I'm not interested in that weirdness though. I am holding out hope that he's the friend kinda guy. Also saw at the same time my other friend, I have mentioned her before - and she ate and ate and ATE. She was moaning about her weight to me last week, but the amount she ate here - I'm surprised she only weighs that much. WOWOWOW. Anyway it was great seeing her. The video guy ... I invited him round tonight... he said he couldn't. Which SUCKS! Last night my sister came over - she also eats a LOT and this guy that I was in love with when I left for England. Anyway, we jammed guitar hero (LAME!!!!!!) and smoked a lot of reef. It was just so nice to chill with him. Because he doesn't see my flaws. He just accepts. If only everyone were like him - har har (DEEP MUCH!?)

I feel sooooo fat. God. Must get on track again tomorrow. I will. Fast. Yes. See one of my feel goods. I can't wait till the boy gets home. I just hope he isn't shocked by my appearance. Fat little piggy.

Thanks for all the awesome comments dudes. I really appreciate it.

Peace & Good Vibes
Xo Xo

Ranting like a FAT PIG!

Weight is 62 flat today. FUCK SAKES! But then, like the little piggy that I am I binged like mad! I had a white bread roll (150), chicken (I'm A FUCKING VEGETARIAN FOR GOD SAKE!), veggies, muesli with milk, two chilli poppers and three huge calorie fillied cocktails. Probably at least 200 each. I can't believe I fucking binged two days in a row. *cries* I was 3lbs from my first goal and now I am 4. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

All of my friends have basically abandoned me! My bff is too busy with her new boyfriend to commit to any plans that we have and then she will want to do something on her time frame and I will end up cancelling because it doesn't work for me. LIKE last night we were supposed to go out and then she told me that she wants to go home at midnight. MIDNIGHT!? Are you fucking kidding me!? So I was like, no thanks, I am not getting all dolled up for two hours out. I think not. So I had drinks with - get this - the boyfriend and his friend who I want to lick like a lollipop. He is SO hot. SO SO SO hot. My boy and I haven't had sex in about three weeks, *SIGH* *SIGH* *SIGH* I thought he would be more attracted to me now that I am thinner. What a joke. All I want to do is hang out today with the friend. He makes me laugh. And he is straight forward. To the point.

Anyway, moving along. Then this morning, it is a reasonbly nice day outside and I want to either - go for a walk in the mountains or on the beach OR I want to go to the driving range. YOU think I could find anyone that wants to go with me!? Hell to fucking no! No one has time or wants to. WHAT EVER HAPPENED to seizing life - taking it by the balls! Doing things. Getting fresh air and exercise. NO apparently not. People are lazy cunt fuckers who just want to sit on their asses and wonder why they are miserable. My ex, who is a golfer, I asked him to the driving range - he says no he is still hungover from Thursday. WHAT ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT! YOU ARE A LAZY MUTHA FUCKER! He wonders why his life won't change and his shit will always be shit and why he is a 32 year old server. Well that's why you lazy fuck! *sigh* That boy is on my brain constantly... *SIGH*

And my one girlfriend - she is about a foot shorter than me... maybe not a whole foot but I reckon she is around 5'3'' - 5'4'' and she weighs 83 kgs. Which is about 185lbs I think. She bitches and complains about her weight ALL the time and how unhappy she is. I was unhappy with my weight too - and guess what? I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I did not sit around eating carbs all day, getting NO exercise, drinking normal coke and beer like it's water, not walking anywhere, not going anywhere. I hate listening to her rant about it, because she has been ranting for over a year now and only getting worse. Anyway.

I think I am done with this rant for now. I feel like a fat useless pig. A beached whale. A beached unwanted whale. FUCK. I need to go do something. I may go climb in the mountains by myself but it is SERIOUSLY not the safest thing to do right now. OH on the happy side, an ex boss of mine called me up and asked if I wanted to hostess and my old restaurant. Which of course I do, but only three nights a week. I figure that the extra money will be helpful for my tattoo which I want as a christmas gift for myself, my new blonde hair that I plan on getting shortly (Gwen Stefani blonde) and also I was thinking of having lazer hair removal done on like my bikini area vibe... Maybe? I dunno. And the boy is back on my mind. God, I got it bad.

Anyway. Over and out!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

*face palm*

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my relationship is over. O. V. E. R. And strangely, I am still okay with it. I also have realised that I still have a dirty crush on his friend. *sigh* But when I was in London I was the fuck buddy of a guy who broke things off with me so he could date my friend. I don't want to be THAT guy. So no. I am not going to go there. As much as I really want to. SHUT UP - DON'T BE THAT GIRL! He is so hot though. My current is more or less the same height as me and weighs only 1 kg more. SO I always feel like a nasty fat giant, but the friend is taller and bigger. I saw him yesterday and flung myself at him saying hi and he just caught me. I didn't feel like I was going to knock him over. I take it back, I don't really 'like' him, I think I just want a good time guy and he is nice to me. *SIGH* Fuck fuck fuck. What am I doing? GODDAMMIT!

I got my period yesterday and it was brutal stomach ache and pain and horribleness. I am ever so slightly less bloated today but still bloated. I binged like a mad person yesterday. Ate cheese and carbs carbs carbs. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Then I drank, which makes me look more fucking bloated. And I am definitely drinking again tonight so that won't help. I weighed 61.2 this morning which is FUCKING FATASS FUCKING HORRIBLE, but I didn't gain after the binge so that's good. :) :) Today I haven't eaten so far. I picked up some cheese out of the fridge and was about to shove it in my mouth, thinking 'it's not a big piece - it won't matter.' I was fucking disgusted at myself. That was my fat girl mentality. And as we ALL know - when it rains, it pours. So if you feed yourself early in the day, you just keep going. I threw that fucken cheddar back in the fridge and had some tea instead.

Tonight I am going out to this club where you get hit on a lot. I like it sometimes for the confidence boost. Last time I went I met that 22 year old engineer. Remember him? Anyway. My boys friend is hopefully coming with. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PIGGY!!!! We always have such a fun time when we are drunk. Hopefully I can find him a girl to have fun with. Good thing about that is that it removes the temptation for me, because he will be busy. with someone else. Anyway, so I think I shall fast today and just have me long island ice teas. Hopefully I will be in the 60's tomorrow. I can't believe I am only 3lbs from my goal weight. What a journey this has been. 15lbs in 2 months. Isn't too bad.

WOW and WELCOME to my new followers. Everytime I log on I see more and more of you guys. Please feel free to mail me or comment. I do try to check out everyone's blogs. AND if anyone has heard from Beth please fucking tell me. I am a little worried.

Peace & Serenity
Xo Xo

Nothing to Contribute

I have nothing to contribute today. Feeling a bit aimless actually. Feeling like all of my friends have disappeared and the only people I see are my sister and my bff. All the rest are gone. Feel like I don't meet new people anymore. Just feel a bit lost. I still can't see my chest bones and I can only see ribs if I streeeeetch up. I work now where my mom can see me every day and she is constantly trying to feed me. I didn't end up fasting yesterday, but ate probably in the region of 250 calories - milk in my coffee, about 6 water biscuits with avocado, tomato and pickles on them and then a glass of white wine. Today so far I have had nothing but tea and coffee with milk and a pepsi max. So today, I'd like to keep it below 500. That'd be fine. Preferably no carbs. Going to have some fish or something. Unless the boy doesn't come home, in which case I won't have anything. My new favourite passtime is not eating specifically to piss him off. It hurts him more than it hurts me. And then I wake up skinnier. I am starting to feel like I don't look fat anymore, which is nice. I'm so tired. I may nap.

Thanks for all the lovely comments. And welcome to my new followers. A couple more everyday... :) Again, I'm available on email if yall wanna chat. OH and I had this thought about Portia de Rossi. AWESOME thinspo really. BUT she was on Oprah and crap cuz she had ana and she lived on 300 cals a day and how bad that was blah blah blah. I remember thinking how shocking that was then, now... HAHA. Anyway. I wish my life were more interesting. My stomach is cramping. NOT nice.

Wisdom & Strength
Xo Xo

Fashion Show BOOKED!

I just had the most amazing day ever. Besides the fact that I ate enough mexican food and drank enough frozen margheritas last night to sink a small battleship and woke up all bloated and mexican and sick weighing in at a whopping 63kg.

I had an early appointment with the owner of the agency that I am with to learn how to walk for this big fashion show at the end of the month. It is the launch of the agency and they will select the models to walk in the show. Of which, I am now one. I perfected my walk which I now have to practise, but suffice to say that I am stoked. He also took my measurements, I am a LOT smaller than I thought I was. I must go buy clothing now that fits me. But I have told myself that I will only do this when I reach 58/128. He said that I have a haute couture look, so hopefully that will translate into modelling work. WELL paid modelling work.

Then I worked all day pretty much at the new job which is basically administrative work, which is fine for now because it allows me to do the modelling thing as well. I promise I will post pics when I reach 60/132. Hopefully by the end of the week. The boy is going away for Turkey on Saturday, so I plan to fast for at least 5 of the 7 days he will be away. Things with us are okay, I think. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I got called for a casting at 3pm. I went there and was dismissed almost immediately because I am too short apparently. I am FUCKING 5'10''. WTF IS SHORT ABOUT ME YOU SONUVABITCH! Anyway, not phased. It was for a promotional thing. I want to be high fashion. Anyway rate myself much? The owner guy did say I need to do some sit ups. Which I guess is a subtle way of telling me to lose weight, which I plan to, so I'm not overly fussed about him saying that. Just NEED to get down to 55. I think 55 is better than 58.

SO THEN I got a call from a guy I've met a few times about wanting me to be involved in a community outreach programme that aims at giving a rural community all the necessary tools and know how to grow hemp crops, buying the hemp crops and turning it into biofuel. I am so fucking excited about this. They obviously need a lawyer. And that would be me. OMG SO STOKED! So ya, had a meeting with them now and it went really well. I am very optimistic about the programme.

Also I got accepted as a content writer for a volunteer project. I really enjoy volunteering, I feel that going into a very self centred profession like law, I need to give back while I can. :) So excited.

I am fasting today so far. Although I would give my right eye for some salmon right now. I have had three cups of coffee and a glass of white wine today. Hopefully I can keep it there. Although I may eat some veggies now. I am so worried that as soon as I eat I will gain. Anyway, not important. I have been wearing high heels all day today in an effort to prepare for the catwalk. I feel like it is a workout on it's own. ^_^

FUCK YEAH!

Thanks for all the comments, going to try read blogs now, but I am so tired so please forgive if I don't comment. Love and skinny thoughts to all!

Peace & Harmony
Xo Xo

*Queue George Michael*

FREEDOM!!!! FREEEEEEEDOM!!!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!

Right so starting with the obvious, I just wrote my last exam! Hello! Law Graduate. Assuming I passed, which I am sure that I did. My mind is just so useless, because of course I couldn't sleep last night so I have had about three hours and I am going to sleep right now!

I went to runway training yesterday and apparently I am 'shy' and my walk is stiff, so I am seeing the owner of the agency tomorrow morning to work on it. Yay :) But then I also have to renew my car license tomorrow and start my new job - which let me tell you - I am NOT looking forward to. But I should know by next week whether I am in the fashion show or not. So only time will tell if the runway prep pays off. It's not like I have a whole lot of space to practise in.

Then weight wise, I fasted yesterday with absolutely no desire to eat whatsoever, but then at about 10pm I just couldn't concentrate at all so I had a small salad of tomato lettuce and avocado - maybe 100 cals. If that. It was a small tomato, 30g of avocado and a handful of lettuce - I only ate about half of it as well. Then this morning I had probably about 80 cals of strawberries. WHO FUCKING KNEW STRAWBERRIES WERE LITTLE BALLS OF FAT!? Seriously. Anyway,  not important. I weighed 62.1 this morning. So hopefully I will be under 62 tomorrow, BUT I am having dinner at a mexican restaurant tonight, so there will be lots of food and drinks. OKAY so maybe 61 by Friday at the latest.

In other news I saw the mutha fucken stick insect with no soul this morning in our exam. And guess what, her amazing hair was fucking perfect and her stupid dumbo ears were tucked away and she is fucking skinny as ever. I hate her. It was so hot in our venue that I took off my hoodie and just had a vest underneath. I can say with reasonable certainty that people were staring at my fatness. Also, the Jewish princess wore CLOGS, yes CLOGS today. So her sashaying in cute ankle booties was only momentary. AND omg. She is rather large. I never actually looked at her, but damn. Although saying that, it may just be exam eating. Anyway, never have to deal with those mutha fuckers ever again. FREEEEDOM!!

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I will get round to commenting on everyone's blogs as soon as I have fucking had some sleep. Pretty sure it's all going to come tumbling down now with the boy, but I don't care. Runway here I come!!

Strength & Love
Xo Xo

Fast & Email Address

First of all, THANKS for everyone for commenting on my last blog. Made me feel SO amazing about the weight and everything. Just to clarify, my BMI isn't 18 yet, it's about 19.4. Then, I created an email account for everyone here to mail me at. It will go straight to my phone which is ALWAYS with me, so I can respond to them immediately. It is zerointentions@yahoo.com. And I really do mean it when I say I'm available day and night. I am available for any happy dancing that needs to be done, or crisis management if anyone is having a crappy day. I'm here. :)

Yesterday, I binged sooo badly. Like for about 5 hours I felt like I was going to be sick from eating so much. I don't purge though and the boy and his brother were here so I couldn't even if I wanted to. I have iron gag reflexes so I can't purge. It sucks sometimes, but also a good thing perhaps, because I don't like purging :(, no judgment of course to anyone who does, cuz let's face it, we all have our daemons and some people commenting on hating to read about cutting, I hate reading about purging, but I am here for those who do so WHATEVER - we are all flawed.

Needless to say, today is a fasting day. Going to do a 43 hour fast. From midnight last night to 7pm tomorrow. I write my last exam tomorrow morning, but judging how bloated and full I still feel from last night, I should be able to get through till then no problem. But since it is my last exam my mother wants to have a celebratory dinner at a mexican restaurant. So there will be eating. Then I plan to fast all of Tuesday and Wednesday. If anyone is keen to join the fast, email me - or just leave a comment. Which ever. So... yes that's it about that.

Then the casting agency that I am part of - remember the beer commercial - they are having their official launch party in about three weeks and part of that is a fashion show, so today I am going to 'model training' to learn how to walk in a runway show. And then hopefully if that pans out then I can be in the show. There are a lot of industry executives that are going to be there. I need to make sure that I get down to at least 130 by then. Because those people need to see me and want to book me. Fuck that would be so awesome.

I read an article yesterday about this woman who did 3 consecutive 40 day fasts. She started off looking chubby and ended up looking like a crack addict. Like not attractive at all really. Holy shit. But she was so thin. Not eating for 40 days. CAN YOU IMAGINE!? I don't think I could. But these people do it for religious reasons. I don't have conviction in that way. Anyway, so yes. That's it from me. Going to not weigh myself today, only tomorrow morning. I want to give the food I ate yesterday a chance to pass through without worrying about the physical stuff that is rotting in my body. Disgusts me.

OH AND! I can't remember which blog it was that put up a quote which has inspired my next tattoo which I am getting as a christmas present to myself - I am getting script on my foot saying: Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori! Which means: Remember that you are but a man. Remember that you will die. I have been searching for ages for something to put on my foot, now I found it. So if it was on your blog that I found this, thanks so very much. :)

Strength, Love & Courage
Xo Xo

New LOWEST WEIGHT!!

I fasted yesterday. ^_^ YAY! But then I felt so sick and weak today, I had a serious nom nom fest. Which is okay, cuz if I can not eat today and then maybe a little tomorrow, cuz I have an exam on Monday morning, then that would be freakin' EPIC! Anyway, so had to dodge questions and food at my mom's house. "Are you EVEN eating." Jeez, leave me alone! And then the boy went to feed his mothers cats, because she is in Argentina and I stayed in because I wanted to spend time with him. He left at 7pm, got back at 10pm. So much for "quality time" so I just took some sleeping pills and passed out. So what, I don't need to depend on him. I'll get to my new LW. :) :)

This afternoon I ate a LOT, but saying that I need to alternate for the metabolism to stay high, so I'm not too concerned about it. I wish I hadn't, but I feel strong and alive again. STRONG & ALIVE! Shit with the boy is also tentative at best, but yet again - over it. AND exciting news, I applied for two jobs probably starting around January, but in the meantime I am going to help out my mother's fiance with some stuff until then as work. Which is great, because that means I won't have to take a shitty casual job AND it is right down the road from where I live. On the down side, I will be under his scrutiny all day and if I don't eat... you get the picture right?

My new lowest weight this morning when I weighed in was... *drum roll* 61.6kg or 135.8lbs! Yay! Which is so great. To answer Lulani's question, I am 178m/5'10''. So I am pretty tall. :) My BMI with this weight is 19.4. So excited to be etching toward 18! OMG. 18. 18!!!?? 18. Can't wait to go buy some new clothes, because I have like NONE that fit me. And go partying looking all fine. :) I really hope the other two jobs call for interviews, the one is really high paid. Government. Go figure!

Thanks for all the really supportive comments, I FUCKEN LOVE you all. And welcome to the new followers (over 100 now!? Damn!) I hope you find my blog to be interesting, or helpful... or something. I am going to create an email address soon, so that I can communicate with people via email. That would be cool. Dunno if anyone would be interested in that. OH and I TOTALLY promise that I WILL put up pics - full body typish ones when I reach 132. :) Cross my heart! And I'm going to put up a pic of my extremely gorgeous kitten, because I can and I LOVE him.

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts! :D
Xo Xo

Fucking Eating Disorder!

The exam went alright. I know I did pretty well at the first two questions, but the third was SO hard and counted a third of the paper. All I need to do is pass. All I need to do is pass. All I need to do is pass. Another exam on Monday, so I need to get my ass in gear for that as well. Because I know I can get a first in it. SO I need to do it. Going to try not go out tonight, unless a friend of mine whom I invited to a late Halloween party agrees to come with, then I will go. Otherwise, just going to visit my mom. Which is going to be amazing, because I will have to dress like a yeti so she doesn't harp on about my weight again. She said to me earlier in the week "Are you eating at all." - I was like - ya duh... Just not as much as you think...

I meant to fast yesterday, but before the exam I had some crisps for energy - gotta keep up with exam nutrition - NOT and then a sandwich later, because the boy was NOT impressed that I had said I was hungry and then when he said he wasn't going to have dinner, I said I wasn't either. So he bought two sandwiches and made me eat it. Luckily my sister had come to visit so two birds with one stone and she ate all the potato wedges that accompanied the sandwich. I'm pretty sure I made it to about 600ish yesterday. Going to try for a fast today. :)

I can't eat in front of people anymore. I can't have people watch me eat. It's ridiculous. I won't have the judgment of someone going - oh no, you should put that down tub of lard. Also, so I ate 600 cals yesterday. How is it that even that amount is just TOO much. I woke up this morning feeling like I had eaten a shiton of food yesterday. All bloated and disgusting. Like when I stepped on the scale I would be back up to 68. Which is ridiculous. But I remember when I started this blog, I'd have a fasting day until dinner time and I figured since I hadn't eaten all day, I may as well shove as much into my stomach as possible, because how much can a person possibly eat in one session right? This was also back when I was aiming for 1200 a day. (RIGHT!?) Anyway, then the next morning I'd wake up and feel all bloated and disgusting. Because I'd have for example, like two huge enchiladas. I felt like that this morning. Like I'd eaten a MEAL AND A HALf. It is so stupid, but it's just that thing you know. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. This morning I weighed in at my new lowest weight ever. 62.3kg. Which is fabu-fucking-lous. Stoked. Hoping to be in the 61's by the end of the week then in the 60's by the end of next week. Gonna try fast today. Probably won't happen, but maybe. :)

I am busy with job applications at the present moment and also looking for some online volunteering opportunities. We shall see how that all pans out. I just need to find a job so that I can move out and get to England. Let's do this. My sister may be coming with me now to London, seeing as how her relationship is also failing. Mutha fucken men.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Positive Attitude

Just a quick one, because I need to study - my exam is in 5 hours. And I want to get some last minute cramming in before then, although I'm feeling okay about it. Then again, law school - you just don't know.

To answer some of the comments on my last blog. I don't care whether this relationship ends if I am honest. I love him with all my heart and I won't be okay for a long time, but it has come to a point where I can't change how he feels, I can only work on myself, my behaviours, my attitude. And if he comes around and decides he still loves me - that is great. But if he doesn't, then I will be okay. Since our 'break up' last week, he loves me, he hates me, he wants me around, he doesn't want to touch me, then he wants to cuddle and kiss and pretend it's fine. I don't know if it's real. I don't know if it's fake. I don't know what is going on with him. What I do know, is that I need to look after myself and if I am not a priority in his life, then why should he be a priority in mine. I can only do so much. So, it's really that I don't care. It's just at a point now where what will happen, will happen. I am not going to beat myself up over trying to change his feelings. If he doesn't love me enough to try work it out, then I'm not sticking with a man who wants out. I've been a door mat and an emotional punching bag. I AM his emotional punching bag. No more. Come what may, I will be okay.

So I failed at the fasting yesterday and had a couple crackers (200 cals) and then a bowl of egg fried rice with veggies - I know. No idea how many cals. But I'm pretty sure I was still under 1000. Which is FUCK high, but better than 1500. Amazingly when I weighed myself this morning I have lost just over 1lb. Which is fine. So a loss is a loss and today will be a maybe 500 cal day. I am spending time with the boy tonight for the first time in almost a week. Will see how it goes there.

Just a quick interesting thing that my friend told me last night. There are things in life that you cannot change and then there are things you can. Instead of concentrating your energy on the things you can't change - how people feel about you, how others see you etc - focus on the things you can change. Your attitude, your behaviour, your feelings. And if you do this then you will be more capable of changing yourself for the better. I made a list of things I will change. Including of course 128 by December. So 9lbs by then. Some short term and long term goals. Including getting my ass to england. I am trying to convince my sister to come with me. I hope she decides to.

And I shall post pics of myself when I get to 132. I'm not pretty I promise, I'm quite average looking. I will also post a link to the commercial I was in when it comes out :) Thanks for the support. AND WELCOME to my new followers. I fucken think you guys are A-FUCKING-MAZING! Oh and the boy is going away for 5 - 7 days soon. So the challenge for those dates is going to be a five day fast. If anyone is keen. I will post the dates when I know them, but it will start on the 11th more or less. I thought we could do a three day fast leading up to the five dayer. So much for a SHORT post.

Peace & Positivity
Xo Xo

The Shoot of Dancing Yetis and Eskimos

So, yesterday I had my commercial shoot which turned out to be absolutely amazing. It was really long and kinda boring, but there were dancing Yetis and Eskimos involved, so it turned out alright. I managed to not eat any of the food that was there for cast and crew the whole day which included a very nice selection of pastries. But then I also gave this boy a lift home and then instead he came home and we smoked a bit - he is very very cute, but then he also met my boy. And they got on like a house on fire. We got on like a house on fire. He got both mine and my boys numbers before he left, I wish he'd text me though, I feel like I made a new friend there. And who knows, after I move out - maybe.

Anyway, but saying this things with the boy are going better. Well that's a lie, I don't know how they are going. I am trying to be lovely and the kind of girl that he fell in love with, but I don't know if it's working. I don't know, I don't care. I want an awesome job that pays well so I can get out of here. The awesome thing about that boy I met yesterday is that he also wants to go back to London... a damn sight better than my current 'i'll never go there' boy's attitude. Anyway, no point thinking about these things yet.

I have decided to do some online volunteering for the UN, which I have done before while I am out of work, just to boost my CV. Also, I am going to enter the BP National Portrait Award next year. I entered this year, but didn't get in. But next year, I am entering again. Hopefully I shall get into the exhibition. Which would be amazing. But I need to get my ambition back. I am writing an exam tomorrow, so that's probably a good place to start.

One thing that the shoot yesterday also did was to confirm my resolve to never eat again. The leads in the commercial were obviously both super skinny. So if you wanna get somewhere in that industry, then skinny you need to be. Then I am going to join another agency. When I am 58kgs. But then when I got home yesterday, stoned off my ass I binged like crazy. So no pasta for a week - I failed at that. But today I plan to fast and go to bed at 10pm sharp. Then have only cherries tomorrow before my exam at 5pm. And fast until Saturday. Even after my binge yesterday, I weighed in at 63 flat this morning, so 138. Which is a fail. (136 would be better), but still not terrible. I need to break 136. NEED TO! Will do so by the end of the week if I am good. I am motivated ladies and Will. If I am to be single soon and make something out of this commercial thing, then I need to be 58. 128. 10lbs. I can do it by the end of the year I think. Although I don't think 128 will be low enough, but we shall see.

If anyone has suggestions or a challenge to start next Tuesday (I finish exams on Monday), then lemme know. I'm keen to join! :)

Peace, Strength & Skinny Pride
Xo Xo

Happy Penguin Dance

You know when something happens during the course of the day and you think "SHIAT! I must put that in my blog entry." This is a collection of those things.

Last week when I wrote my exam and aced it, then celebrated with half a gallon of wine and my body weight in sweeeeeeet mary jane, my friend came over to er... "celebrate" with me and she said that I must be careful because I was starting to look like a bobble head. And then when another friend joined she also said omg you're so skinny <insert wannabe LA accent here>. LOVE IT. Also that night the same one used my bathroom and weighed herself and said something about her weighing 67kgs. She is about three inches shorter than me. *happy penguin dance* - this is contagious. How you do it is to stand up with your arms at your sides (and keep them there) then move your hands so that the palms are facing the floor but at a right angle to your arms (WHICH ARE STILL STRAIGHT AT YOUR SIDE). Then point your feet out as if going into ballet pose. And rock from side to side and turn around in a circle on the spot. THIS is the happy penguin dance.

Then my current soon to be ex boyfriend then bought an xbox kinect. THIS IS EPIC! So much of a workout actually. My abs and what not are quite stiff today. Fucking LOVE IT! Anyway, so the games that come with the kinect are these cool interactive things where you jump and duck etc. The cool thing is that it takes pictures of you while you are making an ass of yourself. I looked pretty skinny in most of them. And there was one where I looked like I was skiing and guess what - THIGH GAP! <3 <3 <3 That kinect and I are going to be very good friends. :)

I ordered my grandparents birth and marriage certificates for my UK visa today. Now just gotta find a job and earn some cash so I can get the fuck out of here. I really can't wait. I need to also start contacting UK law firms about working for them, or something. I dunnoooo. I have worked out some of the details. Now just for the follow through. Fuck. Anyway.

I fasted today. For two reasons - 1. It pisses off the boy if I don't eat - WIN! 2. I ate three different kinds of fast food yesterday. Talk about a binge? Anyway, but when I weighed myself earlier I was 137.6, so that's not too bad. Tomorrow is the tv ad shoot. I'm only an extra - yawn, but it is a big beer brand, so that's exciting.

I wish things would work out with the boy, but it doesn't look like it's going to. And I am trying. I really am trying to be more of the person I am, but with exams it is difficult. And he doesn't seem to want to try. BUT every cloud has a silver lining and mine is that it means I don't have anyone holding me back here and I can leave and explore the world. Which is EXACTLY what I plan to do. I am making fucking lemonade over here bitches, do you fucking mind?

OH and I turned in my funding application today, so I shall see what they have to say. I should know by December if they are going to give me 100k to study next year. I don't know what I want more, funding or London. It's a tough choice.

Thanks for all the support always. And especially to the special ones who always comment and lend some support. My motto for the week: Fuck it.

Peace, Courage & Strength
Xo Xo

The Last Few Days...

HAVE SUCKED GINORMOUS HAIRY DONKEY BALLS!

So basically my life has gone to shit and back in the last few days. On Friday, I fasted, NOT because I wanted to, but because I could not literally eat. The boy and I had a sit down chat about how he isn't in love with me anymore. So I am going to move out, actually I am going to move to England. Unless I get funding for my next degree, then I will do that and then fuck off to London. Which frankly, I am really excited about. And honestly, I am not all that sad that my relationship is failing - I haven't been happy in a while. Basically where we are though is "working on it." I'm trying to change some things about myself that he has issue with - for example apparently my opinionated-ness is seen as bitchy and I have no imagination - apparently. Fuck me, I moved to London to be an artist - and I have no imagination - okay.

So Friday night I went out with my sister and cried and got absolutely hammered ass anihilated drunk and cut myself to pieces. My torso looks like I have been attacked. Criss crossed cuts up and down my fat ass stomach. And a couple on my arm. The next afternoon, the boy and I had a shower together and he saw them. I don't care - what is he gonna do - dump me!? Wha'eva.

So yesterday was spent just spending time together and trying to remember why exactly we are dating each other. The thing is though, that I don't like the person I have become with him and if I can try go back to how I was in the beginning then maybe I will be okay and this relationship will survive. I don't think he is worth killing myself over though. The thought of him with someone else nauseates me.

Yesterday, I ate a lot. Today, I haven't eaten yet but I am going to get some chinese or something yummy. I don't care. BUT, exciting news - I have been booked for an advertisement - for a beer commercial. I am not sure if it is print or tv commercial, but I'm stoked. I am also probably a background extra and the shoot is 13 hours long and quite a drive out of town. But who cares!? WOOHOO for commercial. So I am going to fast tomorrow. Don't want to be fat on the job.

Yes, my life is a bit crap at the moment. But c'est la vie. Cut cut, drink drink - woowoo ... andddd sleep.

Thanks for all the comments.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

In the afterglow...

My brain feels like it's expanding and contracting... man - WAY too many bongs last night. By the time I went to bed, I couldn't really talk or stand up - way too stoned. Hahaha.

So my exam went SO well yesterday. I walked out and was like - owned it - like a boss! But then everyone else was saying what a shitty paper that was and how they didn't understand blah blah, so one of two things. Either, I rocked that shit like a mutha fuckin polaroid ninja - OR I am in total denial and missed the point entirely. I guess the only way to know is to wait for the marks to come out. Be that as it may, I totally decided that a good exam is worth celebrating, so I went and bought two bottles of wine and some friends came over, bought some reef and we had a little party. The boy went to see Kings of Leon last night, and since I had an exam at 5pm, I couldn't go with. So yes, I got ended last night. My brain feels a bit foggy. But hey. Whatevs.

I also binged like a maniac yesterday because I figured I needed exam energy and if I was gonna binge, I may as well go all out. So I did. Won't even go into everything I ate. But it was a lot. So today I am going to fast, although damn I am already thinking of food. But I must just be strong. I haven't been drinking much water lately, so I need to get back into that. Water, water, coffee, coffee. :)

Thanks for all the awesome comments. Sorry I haven't been particularly interesting lately, my brain is so sore right now. Gonna go watch Glee - embarrassing, wha' wha' whatever :)

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Run RUN Away

Still feeling like crap. My relationship is still falling apart. I still have an exam in a few hours. I barely slept last night and when I did I dreamt of zombie apocalypse. I HATE ZOMBIES!

I fasted yesterday and still haven't eaten so it has been about 34 hours now. He is going out tonight and tomorrow night and Friday he is sleeping at his mothers so he can spend the last night with his brother before the brother moves to another city. SO I can effectively fast until I drop. Which is what I want to do. Definitely won't be eating tonight and gonna see if I can stick it out to Thursday as well. Well, anyway I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am going to see how long I can stretch it. But I am feeling strong, definitely think I can make it through today - I just need coffee. My weight is 138 - awesome. NOT REALLY. Hopefully by tomorrow I can see a 136? :D Maybe.

So after reading your comments on my last blog - my exams do mean something to me. I have tried to kill myself before, except it didn't work. Divine intervention really. And I tried a day before my finals and as a result, I am still trying to finish my degree. I know I probably should have the attitude of no failure, no regrets - having been foiled once before I need to think pragmatically. Also, I would like to at least have accomplished something in my life before I die and these exams will graduate me, so why not. I am definitely going to look for a job for next year and keep going. After I finish exams I am also going to drug myself for a week and sleep it out. Why not.

My mother thinks I should go back to London. And OMG I REALLY would love that, but I need a visa, which is damn near impossible to get. So yes, I may run away. I have also been considering Australia, because I think I would like it there or even Canada. But London is first prize. So I shall see what I can do. In theory I should try and get my ancestral visa. I don't know, I don't know. I'm sure I can do it. My poor baby kitten though would have to stay here. :( I think flying half way across the world wouldn't be good for him. But I know my bf would look after him... well I hope he would. The resentment is creeping in. WHATEVER!

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts
Xo Xo

Falling Apart

After almost ten years - I cut. It took me a solid half hour to unearth the blades, but I cut. Just a couple little ones on my hip.

I have an exam tomorrow, which I know I have to get to. I just want to finish these exams then take a bottle of pills and get it over and mutha fucken done with. Someone asked me the other day what I wanted out of life. And the best answer I could come up with was: Death. Quite frankly, the only thing I have really really wanted in the last three years is to die. I thought maybe I could kill myself after my exams... Only thing is that then my cat would stay with him and I don't want him to have my cat. I am growing to resent him and I can see that the resentment is going to turn into hate. WHAT AM I DOING!?

Yesterday I fasted until I got home from the library at 11pm and then I had some tomato chickpea, kidney bean olive stuff with the tiniest amount of pasta. I felt like I need to be alert for my exam. So I ate. It wasn't a lot. But no surprise, I haven't lost today, so today shall also be a fast day, except no eating after the library. After dinner last night I had a small glass of milk to drink and for some reason he got mad with me - I don't know what it was about but it seemed as if it was the milk. So now, fine. If he doesn't want me to have anything, then I fucking won't. Fuck you.

He is also having dinner with his ex and her gf on Thursday and guess who isn't invited again. I feel like I'm this fat porcelain doll that he has on a shelf and he takes me down to play sometimes but while I'm on the shelf I have to stay there. And we live together. Which makes it worse. It was going so well, and then friday and now it's all fucked up again. I don't know what to do. Cut. That was the solution this morning.

I dunno...

Oh and thanks for the comments everyone. I appreciate the support. We are strong. We just have to remember it, because sometimes I think we forget.

Strength & Courage
Xo Xo

Bloaty McWhale Mondays

Yesterday - I ate a lot of carbs. I feel bloated and heavy and gross. SO today is going to be a fasting day. Of course. I read a blog about a woman who has lost 100lbs (she started at about 300) she is also not one of us. She eats around 1600 cals a day and thinks that a bmi of 22 is fine. Pfffffft - Wha'eva! She had had a convo with some woman who was on a 500 cal per day diet and she blogged about how ridiculous it is to eat so little. My god did I giggle. I commented on it saying that to some 500 calories is a feast! Oh she has no idea. She messaged me back saying that she found out after she posted the blog that the girl has been bulimic for years. Damn, fucking, right. Because no healthy person in their right mind would ever go on a 500 cal per day diet. What we do is ludicrous - no doubt about that - BUT it is the sacrifice that we make to be skinny.

I have an exam in two days so today I am hitting it hard. Not amped, but I may have a nap because I am feeling nauseous. I also just flooded to fucking kitchen with the washing machine. GodDAMMIT! It's the third time I have done that. But my pile of laundry has gone down significantly in the last day because of non stop washing cycles. Yay for clean clothes that don't fit me. I need to find a job.

Skinny Thoughts & Peace
Xo Xo