Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Thinking Out Loud In December

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post or rather what the point of it is... I've just been thinking a lot about my life and my goals, and the types of things that I am focusing my energy on. I dunno, maybe this is just thinking out loud. 

As we know, I love a list... 

1. Yoga: This has been taking up a lot of my brain space at the moment, mostly because I have to commit £99 a month to a contract with this for a year and that's a lot of money when I'm trying to save. The other impact that this has on my life is that if I want to commit the time to doing this, I can't booze as much as I used to, not only because of the cost involved, but also - being hungover is not something that will fit in with this. I really want to become really good at it and to be able to do cool inversions, and more than that - it is important to me that I start looking after my body properly and not being a crumpled up old lady. I haven't smoked since the 12th of November (basically, only once since Halloween ) and it important to me that this keeps happening. 

Bringing me to #2...

2. My friends: I need to have a swift conversation with my friends and family within my social circle that I want to commit to not smoking, yoga and not drinking much. This is important and I feel like I have in some ways socially isolated myself for the past few months, because I feel like they're not supportive of the things that I want to do. So I'm going to start having these conversations with them. About wanting to do cheap things, that don't involve alcohol. And that they need to get on board with this, because it is my focus. 

3. Chris: I'm not sure about him, I'm never sure about them. I worry that he wants someone who wants marriage, or wants to let him be a lad. I'm not and I don't. Not that he wants to marry me, I say 'marriage' more as a statement of normal values which I do not possess. It's way too soon to think about these things, and I accept this. There is something else which is kinda minor, I will get to that in a later post. 

4. My side project: I have been doing some work on this, but it is in no way close to completion and I really need to start prioritising this in my life. This is all part of the same thing really i.e. relating to points 1 & 2. 

5. My weight/looks: I just need to be at a stable weight, a stable, thin weight. I need to be between 60 and 62kgs consistently for a sustained period of time, with a diet worked out that will allow me to stay there without too much energy being consumed by this. I'm back into the swong of the ED, and I don't like being here. I was 64.3kg this morning. So once I'm back below 62, I can figure it out. I think that once I am there, I am going to aim to add calories to my diet gradually to try and work out where it's meant to be to promote maintenance. I'm not 'starving' myself right now, but it's just enough restriction that the weight is coming off. I think I'm between 1000 - 1200 cals a day currently. 

6. Willpower: I bought a slab of dark chocolate (I have Seasonal Affected Disorder, so am trying to eat foods which promote seratonin production and dark chocolate is one of them) and it has 10 pieces as part of the slab. My goal for the week is to allow myself to eat 2 of these pieces a day as a treat and to make the slab last to the end of the week, because I have willpower and I CAN DO THIS. 

So that's kinda it. 

I went to yoga today, it was lovely. I did a shoulder stand in class last night, so have already been twice this week and it feels really good. So I'm gonna go tomorrow because I like the Wednesday night class. I think I can see that I'm getting better at some of it. 

Otherwise, I had avocado on 2 slice of toast for breakfast, two yoghurt pots, a banana, dark chocolate and a hot chocolate so far today. My estimation for that is 800 thus far. I really should stop, but hey. I'm gonna make a sweet potato hash for dinner and call it a night. 

Go team. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

** UPDATE: I ate the whole block of chocolate. Cuz I have willpower, right? Who the fuck am I kidding. Chris hasn't texted me today, so I texted him. I got two lines of response and then nothing. He's not into me anymore, I'm sure of it. Why would he be?  **

Monday, December 5, 2016

Let The Games Begin

Chris spent the weekend here... he arrived on Friday evening (including dinner) and stayed until this afternoon (Monday) - no meals today. I cooked almost every meal for us... kinda. 

I didn't go overboard on any of these days and although I haven't weighed myself accurately, because it is difficult to weigh yourself inconspicuously when there's company, I estimate my weight to be in the mid-64'. (Remember, we are aiming to get back down to 60-flat, LOLz because this changes every day. Moving goal posts much?) ANYWAY, so I'm pleased about that. 

So, the games to which I refer are the eating disordered, attention seeking games. I didn't eat very much when he was here. And frowned upon his sugar-filled snack choices. I probably did around 1000 cals a day while he was here, which again - is quite a bit by ED standards. But that aside. 

The games - I know it's totally fucked up, but I WANT him to notice that I'm eating far less than a normal person would, than he would. On Sunday, I went to yoga and he went climbing, I made tacos when I got back - he had four. I had one. I estimate that these have about 300 cals (MAX) in them (probably closer to 250). He remarked 'is that all you're eating, ONE taco?' - I responded, 'yes, I'm getting back, I've gained 4kgs this year, it's not okay.' 

Now strictly, this is not true, but it is. In the summer I got down to 61.4kg, which was only for a day and I was in the 65's last week, so technically it is true. The part that isn't true is that I started this year at around 72kgs after gaining a ton. 

ANYWAY, the point is that it's totally fucked up that I wanted to get down to 58kgs SO badly, so that he can comment that I've lost weight, or that I'm really thin or that I don't eat enough (WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP!?). I am dying, ACHING for someone to tell me that I'm too thin again. I would kill to be called too thin. Or for someone to call me skinny and to actually believe it. 

So it's less than three months in with this guy and already my insecurities are playing havoc with me. This eating disorder really does crop up at the weirdest time... And it's two-fold, like it was with Roy. One the one hand, Chris has a really amazing body (I'm not exaggerating this point, he has like a ten pack) and on the other, I want to look good next to him/not look like his chubby girlfriend. SIDENOTE: We haven't DTF'd (defined the relationship) - i.e. I'm not his girlfriend. 

Also, I've been doing yoga properly for a month now and I've got to make the decision tomorrow to commit to a 12 month contract at the studio, which I can't cancel. SO, I also want to be very good at yoga, but this will be a conscious decision on my part to commit my time to doing it, which I have been doing and I would like to continue to do this. My goal has been two classes a week, which I have met so far and will continue to meet in the future. 

Anyway, so there you go. I'm playing eating disordered games with the new guy. It is ridiculous and I know it is, and somehow I can't seem to stop myself. 

So it looks like my goal is 58kg. Who'd have thought?

Everyone reading this. 

I know, right?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Friday, December 2, 2016

Adulty AF

Last weekend I was very emotional and I think I have seasonal affected disorder. It has struck me that I had the same reaction this time last year, which led to all the Colbey drama (what an asshole nonetheless) and led to me getting fat, depressed, suicidal and just generally not a happy bunny. 

The result of this was carb binging. A lot of it. Basically, I am now fighting down my weight back into the happy place (62 - 64kg). I am currently at 65.3kg. Which is alright. Except Chris is coming to spend the weekend which might mean more eating. I'm gonna fight this though. 

Anyway, so now I'm trying to keep myself on a diet which encourages additional
Serotonin production - salmon, yoghurt, nuts, bananas and such stuff. 

I've also been at the yoga now for four weeks and have been making it two/three times a week currently. The goal was twice a week. So long as this can continue, I am going to keep my membership to the studio. I feel better after I do it. Particularly, my back. 

I've also been trying to save money which is actually going kinda well at the moment. Like, it's not easy cuz I've been the most frugal person in the world and that is SO not me. I can live like this. So beyond my immediate saving needs, I think I can actually do this as a long term thing. I'd like to decrease how much I'm saving at the moment, cuz I have like no extra money (just over a quarter of my salary), but it's nice knowing I have a financial buffer if I need it. 

At the moment, I do feel like I'm winning a little bit. Let's hope Murphy can let me have this for a little while. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo 

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

My Absence

So what's been happening: 

1. Trump is still president. 

2. I've been not doing great at nutritionwise, which is why I haven't been posting. It's not fatal, I've been hovering in the 64s, but it's a binge-starve cycle. Not bad binges mind you. Mostly it goes binges on Saturday to Monday (including) and then trying to get my shit together for the remainder of the week, which I just about do. And then fuck it all up the next weekend. This weekend, I am keeping myself free with no plans and the plan is to spend the weekend going to yoga and practising skinny. 

3. Then, I've been really trying to get into yoga - this is really difficult on Monday and Tuesday for the reasons described above - I.e. That I am fat and bloaty (and gassy) and then going to bend myself around in a class of skinny people isn't exactly what I feel like doing. Anyway, I'm going to yoga tonight and managed to not eat everything, so today will be a good adult day. I plan to hold onto my spoons fiercely. The other reason, is that I just suck on Monday and Tuesday. I hate these days. And I never do anything. So yeah, that's also it. 

4. Things with the Chris are going great. It's been over two months since we started chatting, month and a half since our first date. Mind you, I never see him cuz he's always away. But there isn't much more to say about this. I'm trying to not be my regular overreacting, dramatic, hysterical self here. So I have to talk myself down a lot, but I'm committed to making things work here. Cuz I like him. 

5. I Can Change is still something I'm working on. I'm planning on working this into my weekend of nothing. Launching the social page. 

6. Work is work and it's going great, but still just, yeah. Work. 

I've not been keeping up with blogs, which I plan to do now. What have I missed? 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo 

Friday, November 11, 2016

Trump.

This week has been a disaster for the world. I know that this is not the platform to mouth off about Trump, because we are not united here for that reason. But, I don't think one can understate why this is the biggest political disaster in the history of the world since World War II. And I hope that everyone really understands this. 

There is an insult to everything that the truly great American leaders have built, the men and women (I include women here, because the wives of the American presidents have been just as influential in global consciousness as their husbands have been and this to me is significant) that have inhabited that great White House in DC. To think that the Obama's are moving out and the Trumps are moving in is unthinkable. Insulting. 

To think that woman will be taking over from a legacy of strong, beautiful, powerful, INTELLIGENT women is unspeakable. To think that she will take over from Hilary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Nancy Reagan, Eleanor Roosevelt... It is an insult. To think that a trophy wife will now be the most powerful woman in the country, that they will teach young Americans to look for a superficial relationship rather than one built on a true and equal partnership, to teach young men that you only need a pretty girl by your side, rather than a gutsy female who will support you. To teach young girls that it is better to look good and shut your mouth, rather than to run for president... it makes me sad. 

I am not American, yet I take this presidential election very personally. I take it personally, because it tells me that the ideologies which I fight for and which I stand up for every single day of my life - being called the feminist and being the one who is weird for refusing to accept harassment and will continue to argue when I get called sweetie at work - to think that the majority are not on my side. It breaks my heart. 

I will not accept Donald Trump as a world leader. I will fight with all my heart as much as I can to speak out in my personal capacity about what he misrepresents and why no one should ever aspire to his ideology. I may not have any influence, but I want to show everyone around me that I do not accept this and maybe if I do not, it will give them the courage to also not accept sexual assault as an institutionalised ideology. To accept that racism and xenophobia is NOT okay. That climate change is a real thing and waiting another four years to advance this as a REAL world challenge cannot happen. To not let what we are doing in the middle east to promote human rights and democracy fall by the wayside. 

If America stops fighting, we as the rest of the world need to double our efforts to make sure that the progress is not lost, to make sure that we do not lose momentum, to make sure that the lower rungs of our institutionalised class system are not forgotten and to make sure that all of our friends over in the United States know that we are there for them and that we will not accept what is about to happen to their country. 

Any of my friends from the US who need to talk or rant or cry. Anyone who feels marginalised, discriminated against or even just a little scared. Reach out to me, I am here for you. 

I won't take this standing down. We don't need to agonise, we need to organise. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo