Sunday, December 31, 2017

Thank You & Goodbye

My loves. 

This has been coming for so very long, but I feel it is time to leave this blog behind me. I am going to leave it active for now, but it may disappear in the future. 

This doesn't mean that I am going to stop writing. I will be publishing on Being Disordered. This new Wordpress site will still cover my life, but not exclusively about my eating, weight and image. I feel like this is more of a symptom of bigger problems that I have and I want to continue to deal with these. 

But unfortunately, there is no one left on Blogger, so I want to go where my people are. You can always still reach me on instagram, facebook, here or Wordpress. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, September 3, 2017

It's Just Another Obsession

I have had a fitbit for all of two weeks and I am absolutely obsessed. I'm obsessed with logging my food and activities, and making sure that I hit those goals. Always. It's just another kind of obsession. 

It's not destructive in any way however, as I am following pretty closely to maintain a 500 cal deficit per day to lose 1kg a week. I have been allowing myself to eat sometimes as much as 1700 calories a day, but then picking that up with more exercise. I must admit, I do feel good - even if it's taking fucking ages to get skinny. When I say ages, I mean fucking ages. I am hovering around high 67's. I need to take an accurate weight tomorrow, cuz I got a bit drunk on Friday which fucks with hydration levels etc. I'm hoping I'm not enormously fat. 

Anyway, I do have faith in what I am doing... And most importantly, I am fucking looking after myself. 

Still vegan. 


Monday, August 21, 2017

"Once A Week"

... this is what I've told myself about my weight. That I'm going to 'weigh-in' - once a week, on a Saturday morning. Now, what this doesn't mean is that I'm only stepping on the scale 'once a week'. What this does mean is that I will only record weight as progress once a week on a Saturday morning. Along with my waist and hip measurements. I will of course weigh in every day, because fucked if I can stop myself. It's like that ritual... that thing we do (to quote eat, pray, love) to know how much self-loathing to take into the shower. 

I am trying to let myself eat more, but it doesn't always happen. The good news is that it has been around 1200 cals, which is okay. According to the numbers, I should lose at least 1lb a week. I will get there. 

It's been a few of good days. It has been a weekend of good days. I had 1200 on Friday through till yesterday. According to my app, that means I will weigh about 64 in five weeks. I don't believe that. 

Nonetheless, I've decided that my goal weight is going to be between 64 and 65kgs for now. This is based on how I currently look at this weight. (Which was 68.8kg on Saturday morning; 76cm for waist, 91cm for hips.)

I want to re-evaluate then. My goal is roughly a 70cm waist. That's all I really want, so whether that happens at my goal weight remains to be seen. My stomach is looking a lot better now that it's toned, so this is a whole new ballgame for me. 

Once a week, the lie we tell ourselves. 


Saturday, August 19, 2017

Like My Old Bony Self

I feel as though this is going to be a seriously long post, so I apologise and will try to keep it brief. To quote the eternal grandmaster of creepy, the legendary Mr Jack Skellington "I feel just like my old bony self again". 

This is not a reference to my weight though sadly, because I am as of this morning 68.8kg. Not great, however. I look really good. For that weight. I've been doing so much yoga that my body is starting to get pretty toned and I love it. And though I am tracking everything I eat, I am trying to allow myself to have 1500 calories a day with a goal of 1lb or half a kg loss a week. I have to eat in order to do well at yoga and that has become important for me. 

I plan to start training as a yoga teacher in potentially May next year. 

I can't quite describe how this makes me feel about my body and looks, but it is on the whole super positive. I do have days like yesterday where I netted about 600 calories, you know - where it slips sometimes. But that was one day out of many. 

When I was in university, I was fucking busy - I was always on the move and I loved it. I had 4/5 classes a day, I worked in the restaurant 2 nights a week, I was on student council, I went to judo twice a week and I partied like an animal. But I was in a flow state in life. I was happy, productive, motivated and just like in a good state. 

That all ended when my parents got divorced and about a year after that was when I started this blog - and as you know if you've read this for a while - it hasn't been the easiest few years. BUT, at the moment, I feel incredible. I feel productive and like my life is moving forward to a place I want it to be. 

I have a plan to get my citizenship here and then qualify as a yoga teacher and do that part time in addition to my job, until I'm qualified enough to teach yoga retreats in paradise. Like that's the next part of my five year plan. 

I want to move into a bigger house, so I can get a dog that I want to take with me when I travel. And I want to do that more. Travel, I mean. 

I've finally got an amazing job which I start next week doing what I love, exploring a new skill set, learning new things. 

I have decided that I no longer wish to pursue Chris. After spending the last few days with him, he's just not the kind of influence I need in my life. It came to me all at once, but he's negative and controlling. I think it will ruin this phase in my life. 

And finally, I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that this is the first time in years when I've been on prozac properly. It is night and day. 

I hope I don't sound like I'm gloating, but man - I wish I could share some positive energy with people. Because it really does feel fantastic. 


Thursday, August 17, 2017

The Peaks

For the last couple of days, Chris and I have been in the Peak District in the Midlands. Which is a hilly area in the middle of England. It has been absolutely wonderful in some ways and just frightening in others. We haven't been fighting, it has all been quite civilised and loving. Whether this is a sign of good things to come, I'm not sure. 

The good thing about the trip is that it has been active in the sense that there are a shiton of hills and walking up those equals calories burnt. The bad thing is that there has been regular eating, although not overindulging. 

I have decided that I want to be somewhat kinder to myself and not freak out about eating 1200 calories a day, because being that weight loss is a numbers game I will still lose this awful fat, although slower. But still loss. 

It's difficult, but I keep repeating to myself that my body is awesome and deserves to be fed beautiful nutritious food. There has been meal skipping and restricting... and obsessive calorie tracking, but one thing at a time right?

I weighed myself for the first time since last Saturday - another big step. 

I guess it's one of those 'baby step' things where you just gotta do small things at a time. The yoga of course helps because my body is way more toned than previously, so this weight doesn't look 'as bad' as it has previously. Additionally, going to a yoga class and not being able to keep up because I feel weak or feint is just fucking horrible so it serves as motivation to feed myself during the day and aim for a small meal at night (or no meal). 

Today is going to be a good day.