Sunday, January 15, 2017

He Grovelled, You Can Guess The Rest

I guess I should feel grateful that he came to his senses so quickly. It only took him two days. He called, he said he understood and that he'd try. He said he was scared of getting hurt. He said he didn't know what the future would hold. He said all the things I needed him too. People who still read this must be oh-so-sick of my constant man drama. To be fair though, I do think it's a once a year kind of occurrence - when I meet someone who I want to keep. The last one was Colbey and that was a year ago now. Colbey... who still follows me on Instagram. Check these apples, bitch. Anyway, I was never that into him I guess. So it's actually alright. I did love his body though. 

Anyway, so Chris is in the mountains climbing now until the end of the month, so it will have been a full month since I saw him last. Added to the fact that the weekend he is planning on being here, is my little sisters birthday. Her 21st. In South Africa, we make a big deal of that birthday. So I have to go to that and I want to, but it makes me sad that it might mean I won't see him that weekend. Anyway, blah blah girl goo. 

I didn't go to work on Friday, because I was too anxious. The anxiety is ruling my life at the moment and I need to get back on meds. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to sort that out. It's time. 

I've been eating badly for a whole week, I need to get back on track. I've had two good days this week. Two out of seven. Not great stats. I am too scared to weigh myself. I had a fine day yesterday and today should also be alright, so I will weigh tomorrow morning and hope for the best. 

I'm going to write another post about my anxiety tomorrow. Cuz this shit needs talking about. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Muscles

The first thing, I guess. Yesterday morning, I was 62.9kg on the scale, but then I had a huge dinner with my sister, which I knew I was going to have so I didn't weigh myself this morning. And when I say huge, bacon tater tots, gravy fries, chicken n waffles and a cheesecake sundae. I'm sure it had like more calories in it than I have eaten all week. I'll weigh again on Monday morning after two days of good eating. See where I fall, but anyway, I'm happy with my progress. The fact that I'm trying to stop drinking except for special occasions helps the situation I guess. 

The next thing relates to the above mentioned massive meal - because I have been doing yoga regularly, like three or four times a week for the past few months, I am growing what I assume are muscles. Now y'all know me - I FUCKING LOATHE exercising. I don't do it, I don't like it, I never stick to it. But, I'm getting some actual muscles, not like hectically, but I can see that they are forming. And the difference now is that when I have a big binge night like I did last night, I don't actually look that bloated the next day. Like maybe a little puffier, but I don't look pregnant like I used to before I started doing it. I'm pretty chuffed about the whole thing. 

The last thing - I dumped Chris. It hurts, I've been crying and being pathetic. I'm going to be strong though - I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm going to have self respect. This will only hurt for two weeks. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Thursday, January 5, 2017

You Just Can't Control Everything

It's just a fundamental truth about people that I need to fucking learn at some point in my life. And really learn it, because I know it's true, but somehow I always think that I can control people and that if I orchestrate everything just perfectly, then it will all work out the way I want it to. 

This is not true. 

Chris is an emotional wreck. And when I say emotional, I mean unemotional. His own feelings or maybe it is the lack thereof totally freaks him out. He seems to have got the idea through his head that we need to figure out if we are now an official thing forever and ever. Obviously, this is ridiculous to me. And what makes me even more pissed off about it is that I've been trying so very hard to not have to deal with this question with him, because I don't think he wants to answer it. I don't want to answer it. 

The consequence of all of this is that we are teetering towards the end, I think. He can't have a conversation with me anymore and I'm expected to just wait while he figures it out or to walk away. 

We know that I have no self respect and won't walk away even though I know I should. 

We had yet another conversation about this yesterday and after poking and prodding, he needs space to decide. (I don't know how this has happened, I can only assume it's my total control freakness that has caused this, I'm pretty sure it is somehow my fault...) I can't wait around for too long for this to happen, because the anxiety is torturing me. 

I have felt physically ill about this since the 30th. Nauseous for a week over it. I'm such a fucking idiot. The good thing is that I don't want to eat, so weight is dropping nicely (63.3) this morning. This however is not a good thing. I don't believe one should have a physical reaction to someone. 

I'm giving him until Sunday. And even if he's walking away cuz it's all too much for him, I will maintain some dignity in this case. I can do this. Despite the fact that somehow I am loyal to people who really don't deserve it and to people like this who just hurt me. 

This will hurt for two weeks. And then it will be fine. I will be fine. I've survived a lot worse than this. 

Love & Emptiness 
Xo Xo 

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

2017

New year... again. 

I am really out of insightful things to say about the fact that we have made one more revolution of the sun. Perhaps this will be my last in England, perhaps it will be my last alive, who knows really? 

My immediate resolutions are to be a better person, to only drink alcohol once a month, to stop smoking entirely (I've been working on these last two for a while already, so hopefully won't be too traumatic), to continue with my yoga practice (this qualifies as twice a week and after almost two months, this is going well) and a few other small ones. 

An important one is obviously to keep the disorder until control, to not let my weight fluctuate too much, get it and keep it under 62 (currently 63.9kg), not starve myself and eat clean, whole foods - give up the sugar. Again, these are things I've been working on for a while. My current sugar problem is that it's freezing cold and at night I want a hot drink that is comforting, but not with caffeine. And that's been low cal hot chocolate. That however is only 3g of sugar. Although still too much really. 

I think I'm going to end things with Chris. He's not good for me. Another one bites the dust. He doesn't speak my love language and really doesn't want to learn. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo 

Monday, December 26, 2016

Merry Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Well, it's the day after. 

Do you ever feel like your ED makes you miss out on things? I feel it all the time, like missing out on making and eating all the yummy holiday foods, travelling around Italy on a food adventure, sampling the delights of French patisseries, Turkish delicacies, the breads of the middle East. You know what I mean, I feel it all the time. 

I was meant to see Chris today, he flaked. I'm angry. I haven't seen him in three weeks, because he's been climbing in the mountains. And as always, he is the one who dictates the schedule and I get no say in it. Because I was meant to see him today, I didn't binge yesterday, although I did on the eve. 

Today, I went to yoga and here I now seethe about the fact that I'm always an afterthought. Somehow, I allow this. 

We are meant to go to Bournemouth tomorrow, if I don't hear from him today - I am cancelling our hotel. It's not all about what he wants, I'm not a bloody afterthought. 

Asshole. 

Peace & Loathing
Xo Xo