Monday, December 29, 2014

What I Didn't Do Today

Was weigh myself, the reason being that I woke up really late and before I knew it I had drunk like a litre of fluids and that would have distorted my weight. So...I haven't weighed today. I've also just about used up all my calories for the day (flash back to yesterday's post, 900 cal for the whole day) and it's not even 5pm - I just needed to snack. I'm on like 750. Basically, the problem is that I'm super bored at home, and when one is bored... one eats fucking everything. So to combat this, I'm going to go to a movie tonight with David and have a coffee and some diet coke and let that be it for the day. Tomorrow's 800 should be fun. Not. Really. Particularly as it's David's birthday AND there will be drinking. Fun. Not really. I'm going to be proactive tomorrow and do a kettle bell workout and maybe also a short run to try and not go over that net (I hate working in net, but I know with the boozing it will be impossible to consume less than 800, I will stick to whiskey though which is only 50 cals a shot). Anyway, the next few days are going to be difficult as I'll be in Dublin from Wednesday to Friday - my plan is to skip meals wherever possible and eat only fresh/raw. I can do this. 

Also, this girl that I used to be friends with - the one whose boyfriend kissed me and then admitted it to her and then she stopped speaking to me - like for reals, three years ago almost? - anyway, she posted a pic of herself in a new bikini on instagram and lemme tell - she. looks. fucking. banging. She looks so amazing, so like, she is my thinspiration for today. As much as most of my friends look at Tanith and say she's super a vapid, stupid bitch etc etc, I actually think she's amazing. It's a pity the actions of her dirtbag ex boyfriend meant our friendship had to end. To put this into perspective, we were high as kites on MDMA at a club and he kissed me, I pushed him away. Somehow I'm still the bad one. ANYWAY, that sob story aside, I'm really proud of her for how she's changed over the past three years. She really has started dressing beautifully, eased up on the shit makeup she used to plaster all over her beautiful face and she has become the picture of good health and fitness (except I know she has a bulimic past, so whether this has something to do with it... I dunno...). Yeah, so I'm proud and with 81 days till Thailand, I can only hope that I look as amazing as she does when the time comes.

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Sunday, December 28, 2014



Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Runaway Train... To Thailand

I feel like I can't control my eating - my collar bones are starting to disappear, my thighs are getting fat. God. I need to take control now, before it's too late. So before I go into my plan, I want to first tell you all that I went for my first snowboarding lesson today and it was a TON of fun. I loved it. I'm going again next weekend. It is however very expensive, so I have decided in conjunction with this that I'm going to do dry-January i.e. no alcohol during January. AND January is going to be my healthy month, starting today. Which means tracking my actual calories every single day and on a weekly cycle of:

Sunday 1000 calories (today 976)
Monday 900 cals 
Tuesday 800 cals 
Wednesday 500cals 
Thursday 800 cals
Friday 900 cals
Saturday 600 cals
... just in case you were wondering, I just made this up. Whatever - it can't hurt can it? 

My weight will begin with my official weigh-in as of tomorrow morning (I will log this tomorrow morning). 

The goal is 60kgs. (I estimate my weight to be at 69kg right now).

I have 82 days to do it. 

So averaging that I need to lose just under 1kg a week. I can do this. I will also do some form of physical activity every two days either kettlebell or a short 15 minute run. I CAN DO THIS. 

Today I have had 976 cals and I burnt 556 snowboarding for 90 mins. 

I will report back on my weight tomorrow morning and for shits and giggles, I'm going to do my measurements too. I need to get this back on track. I can do this.

My reward to myself is going to be THREE victoria secret bikinis for thailand... since that is what I will be living in for 2 whole wonderful weeks! :D 

Love & Determination
Xo Xo

p.s. FUCK. YEAH. Grrrrrr >.< #zerointentions 

Friday, December 26, 2014

A Roller Coaster Of Decisions That I Feel Like I Never Made

But at the same time, I did make those decisions. I made the decision to repeat a stupid rumour that I heard in the pub, leading to a miniature freak out by a 50-something year old woman which ultimately ruined my work christmas party, despite the fact that I looked smoking hot, which has in turn preoccupied my brain for the last week. Hashtag holiday ruined. 

I made the decision at the very same christmas party to get absolutely shitfaced leading to me straddling the office playboy, a fact which I am going to have to own in 9 short days. My attitude is literally going to be like 'yeah, and?' I figure the only way to live it down is if I literally just OWN it. 

I made the decision to come home from Amsterdam two days early, because it was cold and windy and I ran around for days shoving whatever illegal substances I could find into my face. Amterdam... what an AMAZING city, although sadly no love there. I made the decision to keep things going with David despite my better judgment, although it's going well. That decision to come home early however, has lead to a non-stop eating festival, which means I am the fattest I've ever been. 

But then I also made the decision to go on these diet pills, the one that Miley was on. And I did a kettlebell workout today. So hopefully, I look smashing by New Years Eve, which will be in Dublin. 

Sometimes, I just wish I could make irresponsible choices instead of being on a nonstop train of decisions which felt like they were never a decision to begin with. 

Love & Regret
Xo Xo

p.s. I regret nothing. 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

It's Like Porn

I was at a chrismukkah party on Saturday night... yes, I know that was like four days ago. THE SILLY SEASON IS BUSY, MKAY!? Anyway, I was at this party on Saturday night and I was talking to this girl - we all know the kind. The one who is super beautiful, really awesome and fearless. She was telling me that once she weighed 35kgs. Then she turned to her boyfriend and was like - yeah, I was eating like 5000 calories a day, I mean. I know I'm a bit of a fitness freak, but I was eating so much, but I was just SO skinny. I couldn't understand it, I was eating so, SO much. And everyone was freaking out, I was just really stressed and I exercise a lot. 

In the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself while she's saying this - firstly. If that was true, you wouldn't have been weighing yourself and if you did and saw you were 35kgs, you would be concerned and stop working out as much. Secondly, if you exercise enough to burn 5000 calories a day and still lose weight, you would be working out 10 - 12 hours a day - don't fuck with me honey, I know ALL the tricks. Thirdly, if you are eating 5000 calories a day and you weigh 35kgs, you are throwing up your food, see the second point. Fourthly, there is absolutely NO FUCKING WAY you eat that much, throw it up and still weigh 35kgs. Fifthly, DON'T TRY TO BULLSHIT ME HONEY. 

An eating disorder is like porn, you know it when you see it. 

Peace & Lies
Xo Xo

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

MOO. I'm A Cow.

I had chocolate for breakfast AGAIN.
Moo. I'm a cow.

I had sausage, beans, mushrooms and chips for lunch AGAIN.
Moo. I'm a cow.

I had soup, mango and hot chocolate for dinner.
Moo. I'm a cow.

I've got my period and I'm bloated.
Moo. I'm a mutha fucken cow.

I tried on my dress for the office christmas party.
Moo. I'm a FUCKING cow.

I ran from the car because it was raining and felt my fat arse jiggling in the rain.
Moo. I'm a goddamn cow.

Grass & Barley
Xo Xo

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

When Things Are Squishy

And when I say squishy, I mean me right now. Although truth be told, I have actually been "good" since Friday after the Saturday dirty burger fiasco. Well that was until today when I started my day with a mountain of chocolate. Yeah, good times. Then I had a veg sausage, beans and chips for lunch, not my finest hour. All in all, I think I did about 700 cals to that point. Anyway, so for dinner I had a salad with feta and avocado (bout 200) and I'm gonna call it a day, so not entirely a disaster. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD OVER CHRISTMAS?? Everything in my life is about eating and drinking right now, no WONDER everyone gets so fat over Christmas. Anyone got some top tips about not getting fat this time of year - tricks? Trick or treat... Think about it... ;)

I can't though, because my dress for the office Christmas party is very slinky and it needs to make jaws drop. MOREOVERWHICH, my work friend is being crushed on the sexy sales director who has a girlfriend and I'm a bit jealous, because. NO, I don't want him. Yes, he always calls me 'mate' BUT I still want him to fancy me and not her. I love her, but like. I want to be the hot one. *sad panda* So there is the jealous bitch coming out. Whatever. 

I got a new tattoo on the weekend, Of a cat, Check me out on instagram Miss_Keran :)

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Well, That Just Happened

Let me start from the beginning...

My date with Luka (the baker) last weekend was a FUCKING DISASTER! He said Kurt Cobain was an idiot... He thought that I agreed with AIDS being the 'cure' for over population of the planet. He knew the people at the restaurant professionally - like did he take me there to show me off? Why would you take a person on a second date to a place where you know everyone professionally? Anyway, so basically - he asked me if I wanted to do it again. Before I could even stop myself the words flew out of my mouth "no, not really, absolutely not." OH, the fucking KICKER!! When the bill came for the meal (after I had got a friend to 'emergency call' me to get me out of there!), he insisted on paying and then I insisted on paying, and then I said we should rock, paper, scissors it and he refused. WHEN THE FUCK DID IT BECOME THE MAN'S ROLE TO DECIDE WHO PAYS FOR THE BILL! I didn't even get a say in it - I don't need a fucking man to buy me a meal - I can buy myself a meal, hell I can buy the man a meal. I will not put up with a man who thinks he has to take care of me, fuck. that. It's like feminism never happened. 

Anyway, so fat as fuck I am. I haven't even weighed in ages, I'm too fat and I'm worried that I'm well over 70kg. So whatever, I can get this back down. I went climbing today and ate like around... 1200 cals, so it will get better. 

ANYWAY, so this week has been interesting... David and I went out for lunch last weekend and then it was all amazing - like I left super confused, like we were having a good time the way we used to have a good time. Laughing and joking around, like just normal and amazing. Anyway, so then last night we had dinner again and long story short we ended up in bed together and hung out all of today. I think it may be back on. Now. There are a couple of things that you would be thinking right now. Firstly, WHAT THE FUCK!? Apparently, he is on anti-depression meds now which he started needing around July/August, he has only been on them for three weeks. He said he was too embarrassed to admit how he was feeling then and tried to cling onto our relationship to get out of the hole he was in. So, I dunno... I feel like maybe we can actually make something work if he actually gives me my space, which he has to and I'm not going to let him start fucking... I dunno... smothering me. 

Is this is a terrible idea? 

Is this all going to go tits-up? 
Most likely. 

Do I feel like I have some reason to pursue this?
With every fibre of my being. 

I'm a fucking idiot. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo