Saturday, March 30, 2013

So it's over.

Joseph and I are done. It's a bit of a fucked up story, but bear with me. Okay. So on Thursday night, I went to a friends house... the one with the seriously hot housemate who I hooked up with two weeks ago. Anyway, long story short, it kinda happened again. And like before, I told Joe about it. Then he got furious, like super fucking angry and so I asked him if it was about me and Stuart - he said no. He said it was about the fact that he felt trapped up North and his life was meaningless blah blah, wank. Fair enough, so now I knew at the time that he was jealous and it was redirected anger whatever, but I didn't say anything because I am not his mother, I'm not there to mollycoddle him and if he is jealous and doesn't want me to see other people, then he needs to say so. I'm abso-fucking-lutely not going to try and understand what the hell is going on in his head and play psychic so that he can get away with acting like a child throwing a tantrum. Anyway. So then I offered to let him come stay with me when he comes down for as long as he liked, as long as he promised to move out at some point and that there was no expectation of any serious relationship or anything like that. So I mean, I've never lied to the man, in my mind, I've done everything that I can do to help him. I have told him repeatedly that I'd be bleak if he boned other people even though he obviously could, that I'd want to date him properly once he was here, etc etc. I've given him a hundred purposeful opportunities to try and tell me that how he felt about the whole situation which he hasn't. ANYWAY, so then yesterday after we spoke and I calmed him down it was all fine. Until later when we were chatting again and the subject of myself and Stuart came up - and he just ignored me. Roy used to ignore me. I don't respond well to being ignored. Anyway, so then today I tuned him about it and basically just told him all of this and he explained his side of it. STILL not saying that he was jealous or anything like that. Just that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. But that he's over it. And then he very nonchalantly added that if he wanted to ignore me, that was just what he was going to do. To which I said: No. No, you won't. Because dudes, let me tell you. It is the single greatest fucking thing that I hate more than any other emotional response in the world, is being ignored. So he said: Watch me. And I ended it. All of the crap and emotional fucktardery that Roy put me through has at least shown me that I will not tolerate that kind of emotional retardation in a partner even again. I'm not one's doormat and I'm not going to let him treat me that way. No one is going to treat me that way ever again. I have been nothing but honest and amazing to Joe and that's what I got. Kinda sad, kinda irritating. But I deserve better. So that's that. *semi-sad panda*

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Keep Truckin'

Quick update on life in general. Thank you all so much for the encouraging words and sentiments about my new job, I really am very excited. Almost as excited as having an excuse to buy lots of fabulous clothing. Work clothes, okay. Not that fabulous, but I'm channeling Samantha Jones. So beautiful court shoes, fabulous tailored trousers and sexy blouses. Well, not exactly Samantha Jones... More... Ally McBeal, but hey whatevs. Samantha Jones, shoes. Anyway. Sex and the City addict much? ANYWAY. Yesterday was perfect, I had three chicken thighs (no bone, skin or fat OBVIOUSLY) and some tuna. The total for the day was somewhere in the 700s which is chilled. The next day is absolutely crucial as I'm going to my friends tonight for a girly gossip, wine and sleepover. So I need to make sure that I stick to my detox, even though there is going to be wine. No carbs, no dairy. I weighed in this morning and it's not great, but it's not bad. I've got... 10 days till I start work and I need to be a normal size 8 (US 4) by then. At the moment I'm a a push of an 8. The clothes fit, but they aren't loose like I like it. I like baggy clothes? Does that make me weird? I'm also deeply deeply uncomfortable about showing cleavage. Not that I have any mind you. I mean literally. I don't wear a bra, because I have nothing. I'm an A-cup... maybe even a double A. Fuck anyway, so I don't like cleavage at all. UNLESS actually its one of those tops that have a J-Lo Versace V in the front. Like right down to the bottom of the ribcage in other words. I dunno. I think when you're tall and lean (not that I'm lean anymore), high necked garments look so sophisticated. Wow, fashion rant. SORRRRRYYY! 

Joe will be here in... 2 and a half weeks. I can't wait. I'm going to have a little sit down 'state of the nation' talk with him, just so that I can find out what his deal is, i.e. when he is going to be moving here. And if he doesn't have an answer then I'm going to end it. I don't want a long-distance boyfriend. Anyway, so that's what happening there. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Loads. Just loads.

So binge-free challenge, congrats to those that made it. I made it five days, and here's why. And it's no excuse, but here's why. I got the job and am now a gainfully employed 20-something in this asshole city. I start on the 8th and was hoping for some funemployment for the next two or three weeks leading up to it, but it doesn't look like it is going to go that way. I have so much work to do at the moment. ANYWAY, so after I found out that I got the job. And let me tell you, that director that I met, the hot one. Is JUST as hot as I thought he would be. Fucking sigh. The job also has a lot of travelling involved in it, so i'll be in northern europe and Germany a lot in the next year. It's all very exciting. So after I found out I got the job, I celebrated, which has involved enormous amounts of deep-fried carbs, chocolate, wine and cheddar. So I spent three days stoned off my face and eating like a ninja. So of course, I'm fat again and feeling awful. So today, I'm going back on the detox I did in february and it's binge-free challenge round 2 for me. 7 days of no binging. Today is day 1. And I'm aiming for less than 800 cals for the day. We can do this. 

In other news, I saw the cute boy that I hooked up with on Saturday, because he lives with a friend of mine. And I shit you not, he hid from me. Which is totally weird, because I'm obviously not one of those clingy morning after kinda girls. So I laughed and laughed. Silly cute boys. All looks, no brains. Anyway, and Joe is coming down here in two weeks, just for a weekend to visit me. Which is lovely. He's so lovely. But still fast tiring of this will they, won't they situation that we have been doing now for almost two months... fuck me. Almost three in fact. Basically though, I can't binge anymore because I need to be skinny for when he gets here. I can't expect him to want to be with a fat piggy. Also, this visit is going to be friends introductions. Which is kinda hectic. I don't think I want to introduce him to my friends yet. But will see how it goes. Anyway, sorry I've been gone for a week, but you know how I get when I'm getting high. Absent minded. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The World Fucks Hard

Wow, what a day. I had my third and final interview with the director of the media company and it went alrightish, I suppose. I have no idea what to make of it, so I suppose I just shan't say anything until they have told me that I didn't get the job, because I'm sure I haven't. This is the worlds way of fucking me in the ass. I'm in such an awful mood today. I just want to die. to make matters worse, I'm still bloated at a FAT 64.6. Nothing I do seems to ever be good enough, but I suppose at the very least, I still have Joe to make me smile. Even if he is a million miles away right now. Fat, alone and miserable. It's just a bad mood Piggy, it will pass. 

On the plus side, I am binge-free for day three. Congrats to Skylar who is also binge free from yesterday, don't forget to leave a comment and let us know how you're getting on with the challenge. YAY for sticking it to the man. Boom. I think we are going to make it all week. I know that the weekend will be the hardest, but I'm planning on staying in and being miserable. I need to factor in some wine into my week. So that I can get drunk, because I really feel like I just want to escape the world. Only four more days of this binge-free challenge left. Today I had a tall latte from starbucks (104 cals), tuna (264), coffee with milk and honey (85) and chicken stir-fry (312), so my total is 765 for the day. Not too bad. Not over my limit. And not a binge. YES WE CAN! 

Hazelnuts & Kisses
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Still binge-free...

Well. Today. Where to start. Well let's start with the good/bad. My second interview was an unmitigated disaster. The brief that I sent in for the interview was basically ripped to shreds by the people, i.e. they fucking hated it. So I spent the whole interview, which was nearly an hour long, going through this horrible document wishing I could just crawl under my chair and die. Not to mention the fact that I got my period yesterday, so on top of being bloaty McMoody today, I really REALLY needed to pee the whole interview through courtesy of the ginormous starbucks and bottle of water that I had before the interview. AND even better. And this is a TMI, so boys SHIELD your eyes, I forgot to put a tampon in before I went. So I spent the whole interview kinda jumping around. Thank god I'm on this pill so everything is super light. But still GROSS. So, so gross. Anyway, so then as I got back to my station, the recruiter called me to give me feedback and even though the fucking whole thing was a complete disaster, they were still kinda impressed with me and said that I listened to their feedback well without taking it personally, etc etc and they want me to meet the director. Tomorrow afternoon. Director, no BFD right? I mean directors are old and fat. Old, fat men LOVE me. So the recruiter sent me his profile and I checked him out on linkedin and oh. my. god. Firstly, not only is he totally hot, gorgeous and age appropriate. I walked past him today when I was in the office and absolutely TOTALLY and probably very noticeably checked him out. Eye contact and everything. Fucking hell, there is no way this can end well. *cry* So somehow I need to go meet him, razzle dazzle them and make sure that I don't come across as a totally office whoring slut. I still don't think I will get the job. But WTF-ever. I mean. If I do then I do, if I don't then whatevs. Back to the drawing-board. My life is a farce.

Anyway, so other than that, today has been fine as far as intake. Congrats to everyone who has made it past day 2 of the binge free challenge. Please comment and let us know how you are doing. My limit on the binge-free week is 1000 cals per day. So if it's over 1000 it will be considered a binge. We can do this ladies! I have had a beef stirfry thing (367), tuna (252) and a starbucks skim sugar-free hazelnut latte (170) for a total of 789 for the day. That's fine :). I weighed in this morning at 65.2 which makes no sense to me because I haven't been eating much, but I suspect it has something to do with my period. Ladies, wish me fucking luck with Director McDreamy tomorrow. Because, I'm gonna need it. 

Peace & Lattes
Xo Xo

Monday, March 18, 2013

Binge-Free Day 1

Okay, so I'm challenging myself and those that may want to join me to a week of binge-free-ness. So today is day 1. I will not binge and I will make it all the way to Sunday without binging. We can do this. Yesterday, I was super hungover so I ended up binging, but not today and not for the rest of the week. 

Yesterday was also my birthday and on Saturday night I had a really epic party with my Polish friend and my fucking god, we drank a Nile's worth of vodka. I was so epicly drunk. Vodka jellies and shit. I also ended up hooking up with this really REALLY hot British paralegal. Who is so hot, but totally like the Polish dude that I dated just after my ex and I broke up. I.e. stuck in his ways and boring. But so hot. I mean, for example. He wanted air vents in his closet. (FUCK ME IF I KNOW WHY?) So instead of just leaving his cupboard doors open while he goes to work, he actually got the landlord to put vents in the door, i.e. drill holes in the cupboard doors and then spent ten minutes bitching about how they were not straight. WHAT!? Anyway, so I told Joe about this little indiscretion and he was totally chilled about it. He said that he couldn't expect me to be celibate while he wasn't here, but that he wasn't happy about it. But that it also helps that it was average, the hook up I mean. My Polish friend says I have a very modern, 'liberal' relationship. 

Tomorrow is my second interview for the conference job, so I need to kick some serious ass. Wish me luck? I need to weigh tomorrow, because of my drinking I didn't weigh yesterday. On Saturday I was 64.0 flat. So I am getting down slowly, slowly, slowly with the binges in between. So I'm hoping I haven't done too much damage this weekend. It should be fine. Give 'em the ol' razzle dazzle.... RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM! 

Love & Vodka
Xo Xo

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Binge-Free Challenge

So last night as predicted, I ended up binging. It wasn't too bad, I was on about 1500 cals for the whole day, so it wasn't a complete disaster and I was still under 65 today. But obviously, that's just not good enough. Today I've had 750 cals which consisted of chicken and coffee. I also took a pregnancy test today, because I'm on this progesterone pill which amongst other things makes your period almost entirely vanish. Now you can imagine all the havoc that causes, especially since I only went after it after Joe and I had *cough* and I'm paranoid about these things. Anyway, I'm not pregnant, but you fucking must KNOW the paranoia that accompanies the process leading up to realising 'holy fuck, I should check I'm not pregnant'. Anyway, thank fuck it isn't an issue and I don't have to stress it. Tomorrow is my kinda birthday party. God dudes, 2-fucking-6. I'm getting way old. Anyway, so the theme for the party is 90's. So I'm going to rock 90's grunge, Courtney Love style. Cuz I fucking LOVE her. I'm not binging tonight. I will not. 

So this challenge, are people keen on this? I was thinking we are going to start on Monday and then publish on Sunday, the participants who have managed to make it to Friday. I thought what we could do is that those who have blogs can leave a comment so we know who's participating and then publish their daily updates on their individual blogs, which I'll check. And those that don't can just leave a comment and we can go from there? So anyone keen to start a week binge-free challenge on Monday? It's just seven days, but I think since everyone seems to be struggling with binging at the moment, it could be a nice way to get some solidarity up in her' and challenge each other. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Hum Drum

Nothing to say really, except that I am still fat and too terrified to weigh myself. My interview yesterday went really well, the woman said that she'd like me to do the second interview with her partner woman, but they haven't called to confirm that either way. The other job though, the conference job. They got my mock-up which I'm sure they hated and scheduled my second interview for Tuesday. I was really hoping that it would be this week, but fuck sakes. It isn't. Whatever though. In theory, this means now that I will know by the end of next week whether I have a job or not. Yay me.

I've had about 400 cals today. But knowing me, I will probably fail and end up binging again. I've figured out that when I go to sleep really late, that's when I binge. So I'm going to try and go to sleep in the next hour or two to make sure that I don't. Sorry that my life is awfully boring at the moment. Will weigh tomorrow morning and I can see how fat I really am. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Fucking Blessing

Well, it's been such a long time since I had a proper rant, but here the fuck goes. You know that fucking religious tourists who aren't actually religious, but somehow it's become this thing where you find god later in your life and all of fucking sudden, every-fucking-thing becomes a blessing. I'm so blessed. You're so fucking blessed, what the fuck are you talking about. Now, let's think about this, when do people say this? I'm so blessed with my awesome husband and my awesome kids. Guess what fucktard - if you hadn't married the sunavbitch and had sex, you wouldn't have a husband and kids. If you were a shit spouse or a shitter parent, you wouldn't have it either. You're not blessed with a good job and nice things. You're not fucking blessed with happiness either. I mean, obviously there are people that are lucky enough to be born into a family with loads of money or who find their soulmate early in life - but let's be fucking realistic shall we!? You weren't blessed with these things, you worked hard for those things. Nothing in fucking life is easy. This much I do know after my almost 26 years on this godforsaken lump of rock. Everything I have, I've worked for. And I'm not a unique fucking snowflake. This is how shit works, if you work hard, you're going to get the reward. Sometimes it's harder than others, but for the most part - the reason why we appreciate and believe *airquote* we are blessed *airquote* is because the hard times in life make the good times that much easier to appreciate. It's not like some mystical magician in the sky waved his wand and gave you all the good fortune in the world so you never had to work a day in your fucking life. It's not fucking voodoo, it's probability. I mean, how can you work your ass off for something and then say, ehrmergerd, thank GOD that I believed enough in a mystical superior force in the universe that rained these awesome blessings down on your face. It just doesn't work like that and for fuck sakes, take some credit. You're not fucking blessed. Except maybe blessed with your own awesomeness and invariably, depending on how awesome you are, you will be more *airquote* blessed *airquote*. Fucking. Dumbasses. 

ANYWAY, that aside. Today, I had about 850 cals and I weighed in at 65.3 this morning. So still way up from my binge last week. Fucking fucktard to fucking hell and fucking back. Christ. Anyway, tomorrow I know I should definitely be below 65 and hopefully back in the 64's by the end of the week. I just need to not binge. Need to be skinny, need to be skinny, need to be skinny. I know that a lot of it is just food weight, but still I need it gone NOW. I'm not bingeing this week. I was actually thinking of a challenge where we can challenge each other to not binge for a certain period of time. Cuz we all struggle with it... I'm not sure though how we'd keep up with it. But fuck it. I'm sure we can do something. 

Love & Fucking Blessings
Xo Xo

Monday, March 11, 2013

Lets Not Talk About Weight

So, great news. On Thursday I had my interview with a renewable energy company and they absolutely loved me. They offered me a second interview on the spot, which will be later this week at some point. I just have to complete a mock up of a conference document so that they can see how epic my skills really are. The salary is a lot better than what I was expecting in the first place and it was natural and easy. Also, there is only myself and two other people that have been invited back for a second interview, so I'm going to make sure that I knock the mock up out of the park. I'm determined. Eat my shorts. Anyway, so that is really epic and then I have a different interview on Wednesday morning for a publishing job. Both jobs in fact are for big publishing companies, but I really want the eco-job more than the publishing job. For realsies. 

Anyway, which brings me to the not so nice part of this post. My weight. I'm fat and disgusting. As a means to celebrate my success on Thursday, I bought a little bag of cabbage, which lasted me till Sunday. And so on Thursday, Friday and Saturday - I ate. And I ate. And I ate. And I ate. And just when I thought I may be sick, I ate some fucking more. I'm really disgusting. I'm too scared to weigh myself. Yesterday I had about 900 cals and then today I've had about the same. I'm so gross. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just don't know. I'm just going to be this hopeless fat piggy for forever. But refocusing and it's been two days without a binge now, so hopefully I can just keep it going, lower my intake to around 600 and it will be fine. I know I have to succeed this week, because no one will want to hire a fat blob of a mess. I don't want to wonder if I didn't get the job because of how I look. I mean, I KNOW that it isn't the way it works, but you know how you think. And I know I'll find a way of blaming my weight if I don't get it. So I need to be thin again, and I need to make sure that I do this project like a fucking boss. 

Love & Fat. Just lots and lots of FAT. 
Xo Xo

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Would'ya Believe It

I am literally fucking shocked after all the shenanigans last night that this morning I stepped onto the scale and I had lost almost 1lb. My weight this morning was 63.8kg. Which is fucking marvelous. I have this awful, AWFUL feeling that when I weigh tomorrow though it is going to be nothing but bad news. But then again, today hasn't been awful, so we shall see tomorrow morning. Today, I've had 750 calories. Which included a tuna salad, chicken and sweetcorn soup and my usual coffees. I've been trying to eat at least three meals a day and I would like to add two fruits in the morning for breakfast to make it a three meal day. Which really kinda disgusts me, but I think that if you can make your disordered eating somewhat normal or comparable to regular eating then it will be sustainable. I'm not sure but at the moment it is working and it has been a consistent process of loss. Today is also my fifth day in a row without binging and all I want is cheesy nachos. I have an interview on Thursday, so maybe if it goes well or if I get the job, then I will reward myself with the nachos. It just seems so stupid to reward yourself with fat eating. But then, I will have to binge again at some point. I think the only certainty that we have as ED people is that we will binge again. Also, please go visit Winter's page. She seems to be having a bit of a hard time and I know she could use the support - we all know what it is like to feel lost within oneself. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Monday, March 4, 2013

Black Ballet

So today has been awesome and shit. I spent most of today working on a brief and then got a call at about 3 from a friend of mine who had a spare ticket to the ballet because her other friend had pulled out at the last minute, so I got to go to the ballet at the Royal Opera House, which was just a dream come fucking true. Ballerinas are, it goes with saying, amaze-balls thinspo if ever I've seen. Although they are lot more muscular than I would like for myself. Anyway, it was really amazing and totally inspirational. Dance is something that has always appealed to me on an emotional level and I got teary during a few of the dances. Mostly during one scene where there was a coat used as a metaphor for love. And how even though you want to take it off sometimes, you like the warmth that it provides. It made me think. The ballerina fought for a coat, but in the end she got rejected. Sad stuff. 

Anyway, so that was really awesome. What was also awesome was that I weighed in at 64.0 this morning which is exactly what I wanted, but then my friend and I went for dinner. I had eaten a tuna salad for lunch with my usual coffees and what not. But obviously, if I had known that there was gonna be dinner, I wouldn't have had the salad at all. Anyway, I tried to go for low-carb, low-cal. But the menu was impossible. Fish and chips, fish cakes, deep fried, oil and carbs. *cry* I had a steak with a bit of bearnaise sauce and fries, which I only ate a few of. And then mango sorbet for dessert. It was a two course meal and since this girl knows about my ana ways, I didn't want her to be on my case. I really didn't want to eat the bearnaise, the fries or more than a few mouthfuls of the sorbet, but I did end up eating it. I'm a bit sad, because it means that my total for today is probably somewhere around 1800. I'm hoping though that since I walked up this huge flight of stairs and did a fair amount of walking around Covent Garden in heels that it won't be too awful tomorrow morning. *please let me not gain, please let me not gain, PLEASE LET ME NOT GAIN* Tomorrow will be better. 

Love & Ballet
Xo Xo

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Counting Calories in My Dreams

Now, I'm really not fucking kidding - I count calories in my dreams. I had this really crazy dream last night which spanned a whole day and in the dream, I was eating. Naturally I was counting the calories in my mind and the whole dream revolved around what I was doing and counting calories. Like, I had some coffee with a friend and was doing my calculations in my head before I ordered. And then had a nibble on the train, which I counted. I woke up at 900 calories. It was almost as if I was totally grateful about waking up and realising that I hadn't actually eaten those calories. SO weird. I had a bit of a LOL about it when I woke up. Like next. level. shit. 

In other news, I weighed in at 64.7kg when I went to sleep last night and at 64.3kg when I woke up this morning. I've had about 950 cals today. I know, I know it's high, but I've been dying for a chicken schitzel for fucking ages and I finally let myself have it. So there was that, an orange and my coffees with honey. I'm hoping to see 64 flat tomorrow. I didn't sleep very much last night, so I'm hoping to get an early night tonight and an early start tomorrow, cuz I have work to do. Maybe try to do some work tonight. I also cleaned my entire flat today, so hopefully that burned some calories. It involved vacuuming, which I actually moved my bed and couch for. Washing the kitchen floor by hand, because I'm too self-conscious to buy a mop. Yes, self-conscious - as in I won't walk down the road holding a mop. I also walked to the police station to check if my wallet had been turned in, which it hasn't - no big though - and that was about 2 miles of walking. So I'm hoping my net was around 800 cals. Hopefully it will translate into a loss anyway. 

Love & Hunger Bubbles
Xo Xo

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Uneventful Thinspo

Today has been totally uneventful and I literally have nothing to contribute, so I thought I'd just post a bit of thinspo. Today very nearly turned into a day of fat eating. But luckily I managed to reign that shit in and restricted it to around 800 calories. I just felt so so hungry today and ended up eating one and half tuna mayo bagels and lots of coffee with honey. I had two leftover bagels from the other day and I started eating the second one when I looked at the mayonaise that I had used for the second one (which was different from the first one) and I had assumed it was light mayo. When I checked the bottle though, I saw that it was full fat and 100 calories per tablespoon. So I freaked out and threw the rest of it away. Ain't nobody got time for that. This morning I weighed in at 64.9kg. So I'm hoping tomorrow will be 64.5. I know I can get to 63 by Friday. I'm slowly clawing my weight back. Slowly, very fucking slowly. It's my birthday in two weeks. *sigh* I think I'm just going to not tell anyone about it and forget it happened. 

Fangs & Claws
Xo Xo

Friday, March 1, 2013

I deserve to be hungry.

Ever since the initial Joe meet happened, I've found it really hard to stay motivated in my fasts and restrictions. And I think I've figured out how I tick. When there is something that I want to look thin for, or even if there is something in my life that is making me happy and excited, I seem to be able to 'love myself' enough to stay motivated on my quest for size zero. When I'm feeling miserable, demotivated and hating life - it is basically impossible. Almost as if I feel that I don't deserve to be thin and if I'm going to be normal and miserable like every one else, then I may as well be fat and disgusting. 

For the two weeks prior to Joes arrival, I was absolutely determined to look thin. Determined. And it gave me the motivation to stick to that detox for over three weeks without cheating. And then he left. Fat again. Fat eating. I think that's actually the best way of describing it. FAT EATING. Then last week with the Goldfish concert, I saw a friend who I haven't seen in six months and it was like I had to be thin or she'd know that I put on weight and then she would win. Skinny eating. After the concert, losing my wallet and everything - fat eating. I've been feeling really down lately as a result of a lot of things, work, boys, my lack of a social life. I'm feeling particularly demotivated about my ex, see the last couple posts, and about my lack of career progression. 

Then yesterday was the most awful downer of a day that I have had in a long time. I have applied for a hundred jobs with no feedback and I got drunk and emailed my ex. A question about my stupid little netbook which is having serious technical issues. And he emailed me back and there were a few mails back and forth. And yesterday, being drunk and then hungover, demotivated and lonely. It was a horrible day. 

Today, something magical happened. I don't feel miserable or piney about my ex. I honestly don't care. I'm not phased that I spoke to him. I'm not phased about him or his life. I honestly don't give two shits about it. See all these fucks that I do not give? ALL THESE FUCKS? None. It is amazing that today, I don't feel like I want to mail him again. I just don't care. Also, I got two requests for interviews today which will be happening next week. And I got some more freelance work, so it looks like I'm actually going to be okay. Dudes, today happened. And today - my intake has been about 400 cals. I'm feeling like a million fucking bucks. It's almost as if I have found a reason to feel like I deserve to be thin again and the motivation has followed. And yes, I've felt hungry. Yes, I want to eat. But I deserve to be thin today and that is reflected in my world. I don't give a shit about Roy anymore. Him getting married doesn't bug me, someone actually thinks I'm worth employing. Joe is just lovely and I deserve to be skinny. 

The totally fucked up thing is that we all know that this ED business is entirely unhealthy and a lot of people say that they punish themselves with restriction, that they aren't worth the food, that they don't deserve it. I find that for me, it is the total opposite. I deserve to be thin and I deserve to be hungry to get there. Food is a punishment. Fat eating is what I do to punish myself. Being thin makes me happy and I don't deserve to be happy, so I deserve to stuff my face and get an ass the size of Neptune. I suppose it is a bit fucked, but right now, I'm worth the effort. 

I pledge allegiance to skinny eating. Today, tomorrow, forever. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo