I feel depro. My eating has been fine. I'm down 2kgs in days. I don't even feel motivated to get out of bed and put food into my disgusting, gaping, wide-open trap. I'm so over it. The weather is shit. My cats are annoying me. My toes are sore from climbing. I've got blisters on my hands. I've got a sore throat and a migraine.
(Incidentally, I am just bitching. Life isn't that bad, but I just need to be mis.)
And despite my usual Grinchiness, it actually wasn't that bad. Went to a friends house and we just drank tequila for two days straight. It was lovely, but my body is still recovering. The good news is that I haven't really gained any weight (vegan at christmas) and the bad news is that I haven't lost any weight. Siiiiiigh. But I'm still dedicated and I was mostly fine yesterday until I got stoned AGAIN. I've been smoking a LOT lately and I have resolved to stop for a little while. For the next five days I am going to concentrate on losing 2kgs before I start work again on Thursday and I'm going to go climbing. Which is where I'm going now. I'm going back to my 800 cals or less thing. It will all be fine. I'm broke, AGAIN. Christmas was rather expensive and I have to save for my trip home in March, so I'm going to be poor antisocial Piggy till March. Whatevs :).
In other news, I hooked up with this guy last week Friday who owns our local pub in Vauxhall. He is cute, 34... a little weedy if I'm honest. Like skinny, but then I do like skinny men. Same profile as my ex - skinny, thick dark hair, blue eyes, needy and a little bit sad. Like he just came across as so... sad. And lonely. I mean - we didn't do the nasty, we just fooled around (because I'm not like that anymore, go me. GO PIGGY) and he just didn't want me to leave. I was kinda lying on him at one point and I go up, and he pulled me back down and was like 'not yet'. It was sweet. But he owns the building that the pub is in, which is only four stories or something, but the whole thing was totally empty. Super quiet and cold. I dunno, I just really felt like there is a story there that I want to know about. Needless to say, I've been hopelessly smitten and daydreaming about him since then. I don't even really like him, but I like the idea of him being as much as a loner as I am. I dunno, am I being stupid? Nothing will ever happen, because he is sorta an honourary member of our company, because we drink in his pub so much. But I can daydream for now. I also can't tell anyone in my real life that I am kinda smitten over him, because it just doesn't work that way. My life gets more and more reclusive by the day. Un-be-lievable.
Blurg, today, Blurg. I love my job, I hate 90% of the people in the office. I am the weird one. The one that doesn't fit it. It is like highschool all over again. I'm going to give it till the end of my probation and see if they give me a raise and if not, I might leave. I can't feel like this forever. Like a freak. Highschool was awful. I don't want to go back. I had training all day, it is freezing cold, I'm broke. I'm being forced to go out for Christmas at a friends. I just don't want to be alive right now. And on top of all of it, I just want to eat and eat and eat. And I can't. My favourite streaming website has been shut down, so now I don't know which of my series I've caught up on and what I haven't. I've had a coke zero, a diet coke cherry, snack a jacks (88), pom bears (95) and more pesto pasta (about 550). So my total for the day is somewhere around 750. I'd say. I do however plan to have an almond milk hot chocolate (50) before bed, so that will be around 800 for the day. I did manage to lose 0.9kg this morning, so I'm now down to 65.7. Which makes me happy. I'd like to have another loss tomorrow, which let me tell you is the ONLY reason I'm not Piggy-ing out right now. Fuck my life.
Let me start with the weeeeeeee hours of this morning, while I was trying to fall asleep, I was listening to yet another Steve Jobs interview and it made me think about the way that I am going about my life trying to find a purpose - something that I really love and am passionate about. The kind of business person that I want to be. This ties in with my recent trip to Amsterdam where I was having dinner with two colleagues and we were talking about future ambitions and I said that I have always wanted to start a company. And Naomi asked me what kind? Now, being put on the spot, I didn't want to sound like a listless idiot (which again comes back to Steve Jobs who responded to a 'I want to start a business, but I don't know what' question by saying that you need to get a job as a janitor and find something you're passionate about) and so I answered with my gut. I have always wanted to be a writer and indeed, this blog - in ALL it's glory, is one thing that I truly love - so I answered that I want to start a content site and eventually evolve that into something self-sustaining with maximum 3/5 employees. Kinda like upworthy.com. Having given myself an honest answer about what I want to try and achieve as a goal, I was lying in bed thinking about whether I would ever actually get around to doing it. And today, I decided that I'm going to start doing exactly that. Step 1 is learning (or rather relearning) java so that I can programme my own website, because unlike my last business venture, I will not rely on a fucking programmer (who in this case was my dickbag ex, Roy) to fuck me over and quash my hopes. SO I started doing that. Today. My goal is to have this website by the end of 2014. I don't know if that is in any way realistic. But I am actually going to try and do this. The goal is to also get great at java again, so that I can maybe programme websites in my spare time. (And yes, I know this sounds ludicrous, but I have already done 3 years of java, so it's more of a refresher, and goddammit I am smart.) So that's my one win. And the best part of it all is that I have you all as my advisory board. So once I've got some better ideas on the whats and the whys, I expect loads of feedback from my beautiful Piglets. :) I'll be 30 in just over 3 years. I don't have time to fuck about anymore.
This morning I weighed in at 66.6kgs (the number of the beast), so I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a loss. Any loss will do. I have a favour to ask though. I know I might not be interesting and that I mumble and ramble a lot - maybe I don't talk about my ED as much anymore (because I feel like I've figured it out), but for the next six months, I am gonna need some inspiration from time to time. I need to be 58kgs by March. I need to have started a business in a year. I need to be an EPIC rock climber by October (because I've decided that I want to go climbing in the greek islands :) ). Give us the truth. Call me out.
Well, suffice to say that my challenge ended with a big fat goose egg with all the crap I've been eating. Getting high, work functions, boozing. I haven't lost anything. But all is not lost. I'm starting again today. For one month. Goal 6kgs by January 16th. I'm confident that I can do it better this time and if I don't, I'll just keep trying until I do. Thing is, I don't look the way that I did last time I was this size. But, well. I'm still not happy with it.
It was my work Christmas party on Friday. I've realised that even though I love working for that company, I'm not the biggest fan of the people that work there. Mostly because it feels like highschool again and I'm the unpopular one that is weird, controversial and just doesn't fit in. Well, fuck it. Isn't that just the story of my fucking life. Every time. Every single time. On Friday, this guy at work kissed me. I was so fucking hammered, he just pulled me in the middle of the street. BUT WAIT. The kicker is that he just got married. Like JUST got married. And then he went and told Anthony. The guy that I've been turning down since I started working there, but who I quite like as a friend, but absolutely nothing more. Anyway, so they are friends. Now I'm the homewrecking whore, because he can't keep it in his pants. SIGH. Piggy, how do you get yourself into these messes. Every single time. Anyway, that's about the most interesting thing that is happening in my life right now. Sad huh? DON'T CARE! About any of it. I'm actually okay not being friends with those people, it just sucks that it seems my lot in life is to the weird outsider. Some things never change.
Today, I had yet another work function and for it we went to a pizza place. I had three quarters of a thin crust pizza. I estimate based on their website that I had about 800 cals of pizza. SIGH. And then I had a glass of wine. So whilst I am below 1000 for the day, it still sucks. So I am skipping dinner, because at least hopefully I can still lose a bit by tomorrow.
I was thinking today while I was climbing about the things that make me happy. And to my mind - there are three things that fundamentally make me happy. So I thought I'd share these with you all. The first thing is my cats. I mean I don't really need to explain this. Everyone gets this I think. Well. Any cat lover, innit? The second thing is any form of mind altering substance - now don't get me wrong, I don't have any kind of substance dependency problems, but I fucking love it. I love not having to think or concentrate or worry. I can't talk to myself frankly without getting mad or upset. I feel like drugs and booze give me an honest opportunity to look at myself without being emotional. I love drugs. Never found one that I didn't like. Again, not that I have taken much, but I love it. The third thing, which has a number of offshoots is being thin. I loved being thin SO much. Which is why I'm in such a hurry to get back to where I was before. The sad thing that I have now realised is that I have now backslid so far that I am essentially starting all over again. Now, I have mixed feelings about this because obviously I am PISSED with myself for having gone back to a place I swore I never would. But at the same time. I'm kinda excited that I can get back my skinny eating habits. I wanna try to not to fast too much, because I still need to perform at work, but you know. It's 800 cals a day for the foreseeable future. On that note. Today I've had two Linda sausages, asparagus and broccoli (350), two lattes (300), popchips and a monster (102), so total for the day 752. I also went climbing... So. Yeah not a bad day. And now for the shocker. My weight this morning was... 67.5. Gross, huh? But working on it. Working it. :)
I just feel so enormously fat, I can't believe the destruction that I have wrecked on my body. I feel like I'm popping out of my skin and out of my clothes. Like - I just don't fit myself. Like I've blown on my thumb and inflated my whole body. It is awful and I just want to deflate. Disgusting Piggy. I'm going to have to make sure that this never happens again. I just want to run until it melts off me. In the meantime however, I will not eat and fuel myself with willpower and coffee. Disgusting. I am disgusting.
Is just something it would seem we have to deal with in life. Basically what this boils down to is that I ate like a horse in Amsterdam and then was so exhausted that I just stayed in all weekend and ate like a 600lb person, that I am going to finish this challenge very poorly with probably 2kgs lost. However. I swear to fuck I'm going to keep going dudes. Cuz I just want it so bad and surely perserverance is going to win at the end of the day. Even if it takes me 4 month long challenges, I swear I'm going to get down again. I'm stubborn. Whatevs. Today I've had: a soy latte (148), pop chips (88), absolute zero monster (15), two Linda sausages (208), asparagus (50), vegan butter (for the asparagus, I know! 50), blueberries (70) and soy milkshake (158) which is a grand total of (*please excuse my stoned maths*) 787... Or thereabouts. Which is okay. Didn't weigh in this morning, it was too shameful, but will face the music tomorrow.
Also, just remember that the final weigh in is on Sunday. As we can all see I've lost horrifically, but fuck it, owning it!
So I'm in Amsterdam... And I don't have a computer so this is from my phone. Pardon if it sucks a bit. Anyway. So Friday and Saturday were not great days food wise. I must say I'm feeling like a god damn whale, but saying that I do still very committed to getting my weight back down. Today wasn't great either. I managed to not eat till the airport where I had a sugar free vanilla soy latte and pop chips (250), then I had two small glasses of wine, a capered salad with some bread and a small portion of gnocchi. I'm fairly certain that I'm around 1500 for the day. It's terrible and I want to cry. And I know that until I get back to London it's gonna be the same. I'm going to skip meals if I can help it and stick to white wine. This is going to be a boozy trip. I'm so sad. I'm so fat. I miss my cats. Only three days till I'll be home. Sigh. Three days.
Today has been a really good day for me. Firstly, I weighed in at 65.5kg, exactly like I wanted. So I might be four days late, but I am where I was meant to be on Monday. So, I just need to make sure that I don't slip up this weekend and I may be able to make it up. This is going to be difficult, because I have a birthday tomorrow, but I am going to endeavor to drink white wine spritzers (soda, not lemonade) and not eat during the day. I will have maximum five drinks, get the last tube home and go climbing on Saturday. Today was also good because work was INSANELY busy, but excellent. I checked up on my visa for Amsterdam - which I can collect tomorrow AND I can't wait to go to Amsterdam. My first time there. I know, I know. Awful, but whatever. Today was also SICKLY AWESOME, because I actually went climbing and remembered how much I like it. My hands are mince meat though. Today was also a great day, because I have thus far only had 48 calories (which is a lo-cal Monster, 40 and a sugar free stimul.. something drink - 8) and I'm busy making dinner which is another lentil curry, my thing at the moment. And last night I totally underestimated how many calories are in it and there are less than 500. Closer to 400 in fact, but lets go with 500 to be safe. So my intake for the day will be 548. Which with the hour of climbing I did, will net at about 150. That's awesome. fucking. sauce. SAUCY SAUCE! *stop talking about sauce, Piggy* Anyway, so that's me for today - weigh in ladies?? I'm dying to know how ya'll are doing!
Today I actually fucking lost 1kg, like I was hoping for yesterday. Can't actually believe that happened. So now I'm all determined and shit. I was 65.9 today, so if I lose 0.4 today I will be where I was supposed to be on Monday and I may actually be able to still hit my goal of 60kg by the 14th. Long shot, much? Anyway, my kitten (Pugsley) has been sick for the past few days so I haven't been climbing - convenient excuse? Anyway, I'm going to go this weekend, but then next week I'm in Amsterdam from work, so I need to be good. ANYWAY. I've got added thinspo, because a friend of mine from Cape Town is here on the 19th, so I need to ensure that I am looking AMAZING when he gets here. I may want to like *wink wink nudge nudge* with him. Maybe... a little.
ANYWAY. Intake for today - I decided to forego my usual grande sugar-free vanilla soy latte this morning and then had a bag of ryvita minis at lunch time (113), a mountain of black coffee, coke zero and then for dinner I had lentil curry - which was a big portion but definitely not more than 600, so 713 for the day? I might have some almond milk hot choc later, but that's around 50, so I'll still be under 800 for the day which is great.
This morning I was... 66.9 *cry* so after my weekend of binging my loss for the week was 0.6kg. Terrible. In order to be on track for the two weeks, I have literally got to lose... 3.4kgs by next week Monday. But I'm sure I can knock off most of those, just need to stay strong. Which let's face it - I haven't been. Today, I've had - what I guesstimate to be - 850 cals. I had a small bag of crisps, a soy latte and lentils for dinner. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to be 66 flat. I can do this. I can do this.
You know, I was going to lie about my weight so that I didn't look like such a pathetic failure as I do right now, but then I realised that I have never lied to you guys, so I'm not exactly going to start now. So weights ladies - let's see em!
So I slipped this weekend and got baked and ate loads and then I woke up late this morning so didn't weigh in. Weigh in weights tomorrow! I'm not expecting much. Today I have had about 700 cals I think. Not hoping for too much, but please lord somewhere in the 65's. Fuck sakes. I suck. Weights tomorrow!!
The longest day at work today which will be swiftly followed by an even longer day tomorrow. But it is all going to be fine once I suck it up and get through the next two weeks. I've just got a shiton of research to do at work which is a lot of being on the phone, which is awesome and fun. But also shit and tiring. I need to sort out my visa for Amsterdam which is another fucking ballache. ANYWAY. Tomorrows problem isn't it.
Today I weighed in at 66.0 - so that's 0.3kg down from yesterday. Not as much as I expected or wanted. Today I have had 750 cals, which is more than I wanted but within my range of 500 - 800 so it';s okay. I had a soy latte (146), ryvita minis (113) - this was purely ornamental, because they look at me funny at work if all I have is a coke zero - hummus with carrots (180) and two vegan sausages (about 230ish) - so even though the maths on this is terrible, OH and almond milk hot choc (60) - I'm hoping that tomorrow I will be at 55.5. That would be my goal for the week lost.
Unfortunately for me, I have a fireworks, Christmas, gluvine thing happening tomorrow night with some family friends. I think I can get away with not eating like a pig, because I can just say that I had a whole thing at work before I came and maybe just sip some gluvine, however - the plan is that I am still going to have to have a bit of gluvine. Essentially, I am expecting to not lose anything between tomorrow and Thursday, which means I'm going to have to be SUPER well behaved on the weekend. Yay. No. Anyway, hope this goes well.
Post stats? ... or don't that's cool. You can save it for the Sunday weigh in. :)
I'm so fucking stoked that everyone is in for the challenge. Guys, this is going to be amazefest. Fuck yeah - can I get a hells-to-the-fuck yeah!! HELLSTOTHEFUCKYEAH! Holla. Okay, I'm far too much of a prude to be a gangster. I tried ladies, what can I say. Anyway dudes, so the rules are quite simple - you can start whenever you want. It's not like a huge deal - just set yourself a goal and stick to it. If you want to stop, then stop. If you want to continue and let's do it for reals - then continue. Everyone has more or less weight to lose and is a different height etc, so for example a super skinny may only be able to lose 5lbs in 4 weeks, but those of us with more lard to shed can go higher. Just add your comments and every Sunday we can post a weekly weigh in or you can do it daily, I don't really mind. And as I mentioned, those that reach their goals will get a prezzie from meeeeeeeeee, cuz I love to give gifts. :) I'm so happy to have some support in doing this, I won't let my friend beat me.
I'm off to a cracker start, no jokes. I weighed in this morning before I went to the bathroom and I was 66.9 and then weighed again after I showered (three times - weighed, not showered) and I was 66.3. So I'm taking my weight as 66.3 for this morning (only 6.8 to go!). Today I have had 650ish cals (which is okay, I reckon) - which consisted of two coke zeros, two cups of black coffee, a ryevita snack pack thing (113), strawberries (60), and veggie bake patty things with ketchip (400), oh and an almond milk hot chocolate - but I use cocoa powder essentially for the hot choc, cuz almond milk is already a little sweet. So that's it for the day.
As to the comment about veganism and Earthlings. You know - I said this to a friend the other day and I will actually stand by it. I don't know if you guys Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall (sp?) - but he had this show on BBC food called River Cottage and on this show he reared, slaughtered and cooked his own sheep, chicken, pigs, etc. Now if that is how the animal was reared and killed, I think I would probably eat it. My objection is to the industrial farming and rearing of things that are meant to be our food. I watched this clip about Ellen and she said something which really struck a cord with me. When you are eating something which has fear and sadness attached to it, you are putting that energy into your body. I don't want to put that into me. Why would I?
Didn't go that well for me, but I did watch Earthlings. Now listen. I got twenty minutes or so in. I'm never, ever eating an animal product ever again. The thought nauseates me. If you have the stomach for it, give it a watch, but be warned. It is awful. Veganism is the only option now. For me. So I weighed in this morning and I am a perfectly fat 67.5. I can't believe it. But anyway, it's a starting point. So I have to get down to 59.5 in 4 weeks. I will try and post my weight every time I post. The goal is 2kgs a week, or roughly 4.5lbs a week. SO if you are in for the challenge, comment on the post with your weight and we will go from there. The deadline is 14 December.
So far, our challengers are:
- J (:
- Dorcha Aingeal
- The Dancer
- désespérée de maigrir
I will post my weight tomorrow again. Let's hope for at least a 0.5 drop. That's all I need. The thought that I could be 59.5 in 4 short weeks fucking kills me. I am going to skip lunch now and only eat dinner. That's the plan. Stay calm during the day with coke lights and coffee and then one meal in the evenings of barley or lentils. I can do this. WE CAN DO THIS.
In other news, Anthony from work is still on my case and there is something to be said about persistence. Lets see how long he holds out. Maybe this one is worth it.
8kgs/17.5lbs in 4 weeks. That is 2kg/4.5lbs per week. Who is with me? I've started a little competition with a friend of mine who has a similar amount to lose. Dudes. If we stick to a 500 to 800 cal a day vibe, we can do this. ANYONE!? Spread the word. Let's do it!! Anyone who makes their goal will get a little Piggy gift from me. :) I'll post my starting weight and measurements tomorrow morning. Challenge on. Let's do it.
Well today wasn't a total trainwreck, but it wasn't great either. I didn't weigh this morning, my stomach looked too pregnant to even consider seeing what it said. Today food-wise - I had half a sandwich with avocado (150), three chunky chips (100?); two slices of toast with PB (400) *SOB*; three vegan sausages (300) and then a soy choc shake (150) - so that's 1100 for the day. Fuck it. Tentatively it is probably closer to 1000, but still 800 higher than I wanted. ANYWAY - WHAT.CAN.YOU.DO. Stop eating Piggy, obviously you can do that. I'm such a dumb-dumb. Tomorrow I'm going climbing so hopefully that should put a virtual cork in my pie-hole. Today at work was just one of those awful days. Which I'm so over, but I'm going to persevere. Through this awful stage of induction and uncertainty, because I love the job. I don't really have much else to say. That boy, Anthony - is a thing of the past now. I can't handle the neediness. Yesterday at the climbing gym, there were all these hot boys that were helping me and it made me realise that I'd drop him in a heartbeat if someone else asked me out, which means I don't actually like him and I'd rather be able to flirt with them than have this stupid little distraction in my life. Overs-cadovers.
Despite me not being interested in this boy at work, pretty much at all. I saw him three nights in a row. Let me rephrase that - we got fucking drunk three nights in a row. Friday he threw a little hissy fit because I wandered off with some other people as I tend to do and then Saturday I gave him a stern talking to about how I don't want a boyfriend and how I'm not having sex with him. Yet still he persists. I was too hungover to climb on the weekend, but obviously not too hungover to eat like a fucking pig. So now I'm huge. The intense amount of walking is helping to make sure I don't balloon, but I'm far too scared to step on the scale. I will do so tomorrow morning... Today I had pot noodles, peanuts and a coke light for lunch, a soy latte and three slices of wholegrain bread with pickle and mustard on one, avocado and tomato on the other and vegan cheese on the third. So in reality, it was a sandwich and a half, BUT. I did climb for an hour and a half. So I am very sure that I've netted under 800. Which is fine. Tomorrow I need to keep it the same and the day after that similar. Fuck sakes.
Anyway, I need to end shit for proper with this boy tomorrow. He was the cause of three nights of drinking and as many days of binging. So, there is no room for him in my life. He needs to go. AND new job is amazing. I'm going to Amsterdam in about three weeks for work. It is going to be SO fabulous :).
... god. I looked in the mirror when I came in... granted, I've just had a really long day coupled with a climbing session that was not impressive (NOTE TO SELF: Don't climb two days in a row and expect your body to cooperate). Anyway, it is just so much fat. My ass, my stomach, my arms even. I wish I could sandpaper it off. It's so awful. My intake today was okay, lentil soup for lunch (181), a soy latte for breakfast and another soy latte with lunch (probably around 300 for both). Seeing all this fat is killing me, so I'm gonna have veggie fingers for dinner (335) and skip my almond milk hot chocolate. I did climb for an hour so the nett isn't too bad, but still. *siiiiigh*
Roxie Rice commented on my last post - another romance... Do I have a lot of romances? :-/ I never thought about it really but maybe I do. I suppose since everyone is hopelessly coupled up and I'm pathetically single (EMPOWERED-LY SINGLE!), I kinda feel like it is always a thing that one is constantly looking for romance. I dunno, maybe it's a thing. Anyway, I've decided that the office romance beau is just not going to happen and actually not just because office flings are a total no-no. I'm still in TOTAL cock-fright mode. The thought of kissing someone freaks me out, let alone anything else. Please. People are intrusive. Men are intrusive. Go intrude elsewhere.
I finally managed to actually control my eating after having arrived at a point where I have not gone out for the past few weeks because I am properly disgusted in my appearance. I am still disgusted in my appearance, but I have actually managed to control myself today, which is fantastic. I looked about six months pregnant today btws. The funny thing about it is that there is this guy at my new job, which is AWESOME in case anyone was wondering. Anyway, this guy is totally all up in my kool-aid. I'm not sure that I want him to be, I mean office shenanigans are way too much drama, I don't want a beau and this dude is coming on like a fucking hurricane and I don't really want it. I'm not sure how to nip it in the bud, but - I'm going to start by NOT going to leaving drinks on Friday with the crew. I don't want to be social with them if I can help it. He is way cute though, quite a nice guy - although - he is short...er than me. Like half an inch if that. ANYWAY. Let's see shall we... :)
I also went up a grade in rock climbing today, my fingers and hands are blistered to shit which looks awful and doesn't feel great if I'm honest. I'm going climbing again tomorrow. Today all I've had to eat is a soy latte, almond milk hot choc (which is just the cals from the milk cuz it was made with cocoa) and 7 veggie fingers (335). OH and tomato sauce (or ketchup, whatevs), and a low-cal monster (40), so my total for the day is probably around 750, BUT I climbed for an hour. So nett I think is around... 150ish. Whoop. Hopefully I won't look so pregnant tomorrow.
I got all the clothing for my new 'winter look'. Which is roughly - skater girl style dresses, cardigans, a beautiful black cape and ankle boots with low heel. This with tights and lovely accessories is going to my winter look this year. Black, grey, white and a pop colour. Anyway, so I ordered them online because I have too much social anxiety to shop for clothing in an actual store... this is mainly because I am an elephant. SO, I need to lose as much weight as possible by the end of the week so that I actually look good in them. It seems unlikely.
I haven't gained any weight, I haven't lost any weight. I am bloated like a whale and I can't stop eating. I'm starting to get to a really good place with this yoga thing. Like I started my new job - which is fucking amazing btws - I came home absolutely exhausted (not least of which because I seriously overdid it at the climbing gym yesterday, so stiff and sore) and binged on a hundred tortilla wraps and then got into bed. And then, while I was watching Homeland, I just really wanted to do the yoga. So I did and it was grand. I'm climbing again tomorrow.
The new job is so amazing I can't even tell you. I'm going to San Diego on business in Feb and then to Milan next year sometime, as well as Johannesburg. So all in all. I'm pretty excited. Everyone is super nice and I'm just generally quite happy about it. BOOM! Then I had a mini argument with my sister, because she fucking nags me. She nags and nags like my mother does and it drives me beserk. She doesn't even realise how much like my mother she is. So I shat her out for nagging me about when I'm going to book my ticket back to Cape Town for her wedding. It is like 5 months away, just calm the fuck down. And then she hung up on my on Skype. Fuck it though, I don't need to be nagged. Now I really am going to go to bed... well finish Homeland and then Boardwalk Empire, which is my new thing. A long day tomorrow.
Apologies for not posting for the past few days, I've been a junk food vegan since about Wednesday. I.e. loads of processed crap and I'm gross as a result. Although today has been back on track. I started rock climbing yesterday and joined the climbing gym, bought the necessary equipment and am going back tomorrow to train a bit, cuz I've gone and organised a climb for some friends and I when I go back to Cape Town in March as a challenge or goal for myself. Yay me? Also, hopefully it will be a way to meet some new cool people in the gym itself, friends of substance so that I can stick to my non-drinking OcSober ways.
I'm really quite stiff and I've worked out a training programme for myself which consists of three/four training days a week in the gym, which is going to require going after work. OH and I start my new job on Tuesday, which is awesome ^_^. Anyway, sooooooo... Today my intake wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. I had a soy latte, an orange juice, a tortilla with vegan sausages... and then another tortilla with soy cheese and tomato. In total, I'm guessing it was somewhere around 1000. Great. Time to do my yoga. I didn't do it on Friday or yesterday. Friday, because I got tipsy (and last time I did yoga drunk, I dislocated my knee - and yes, OcSober, I know, I know) and yesterday because I spent five hours climbing. I have nothing to say. Except I am fat.
Wow, what an amazingly positive response to my last blog. THANKS GUYS! I'm gonna check out the blog links once I've finished writing this post - thanks for leaving them. If you missed the last one, please post links to your blogs in the comments so I can follow. All my favourite people... Sammy, we must make a plan. <3
So the exciting news is that I got a call to say that one of the companies I interviewed for is going to make an offer - I am just waiting on them to get back to me with the terms, SO hopefully that will come through tomorrow, which is very exciting. I will be producing events in California, Cape Town and somewhere in Europe, to be decided. It is quite literally the hugest weight off my shoulders. The hugest. And fuck my old company in the ass! I'm literally going to their biggest competitor and this company is better than that one. So suck it, you whore GINGER BITCH! (i.e. my former boss)
I kinda celebrated today by getting two small bags of crisps and a small portion of fries, despicable I know. But that's all I've had today, so in effect it's not too bad. Yoga'd. It's fabulous. To answer J's question - I think that I am finding veganism as a healthy medium in my functional ED world. It is keeping me slim enough and still helping me to lose weight, but not through starving too much. So I'm still aiming for a lower intake than is recommended, but as long as the weight keeps coming off, I feel less panicked about eating that amount. Through that I suppose, I feel like I'm coming to a place which isn't going to eventually kill me... I mean. I would rather die than be fat, literally. I wouldn't care and I haven't in the past given two flying fucks about my health as long as I am skinny at the end of it. But I think - and it may be too early to tell as I'm only like... two months into vegan - it may actually be a way of saving my body but giving me what I want at the same time.
This friend of mine, Danny - wants to come over on Friday and spend the day with me. Him and I have known each other for about three years now. And about six months ago he tried to seduce me on his couch, but I turned him down, because quite frankly it is Danny. And I think he may be coming over to try and revisit that... in fact. I know he is. I don't know if this is something I want or if my cockfright is just kicked into overdrive at the moment. I know that at the end of the day - whatever I'm comfortable with etc etc, but I do think that I want it. But I'm trying to stick to my moral direction of stopping fucking around and making bad decisions. God, I certainly do know how to complicate my own life. Fuck it.
A couple of things that I would like to say in this post... Firstly: Thank you to everyone that reads this. I mean for reals. There is nothing more motivating to me than knowing that my triumphs are acknowledged on this blog. And when people (like Katie on my last post) say things like remembering my story over the last year, or Sam who has been reading this pretty much since day one... I mean it kills me with love. And I love it. Please don't stop reading, I won't stop writing and thanks even more to those that take the time to comment, you are all better than I am.
Secondly: so many of the blogs that I used to read and have been reading have stopped being written, if you have a blog - please leave it in the comments or send me a link on email, so I can start reading. I love interesting blogs. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Thirdly, to answer a question - I've been flirting with veganism for quite some time now and as all ED's will tell you, our food knowledge is fucking exceptional. We have researched every diet, in detail. We are walking calorie counters, we can tell you which celeb did what diet and lost how much weight. So yeah, you could say that I researched veganism before hand. But no more or less than any other diet that I've ever tried or researched. The thing that has struck me about veganism is that when you read literature about a diet, you almost second guess what you're reading, because you're like - yeah right, whatever. I already eat low-cals and I know how that goes, almost as if they can't tell you anything new. Cuz you know it, you've tried it. Veganism has however, entirely surprised me.
Fourthly, updates about my life. I have something exciting to tell ya'll, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I do tell you. One of those lbs that I lost, I put on this morning, 64.9. Fuck. My. LIFE. HARD. I'm assuming that had something to do with the chips that I had. Fuck it Piggy. Today I had oatmeal, popcorn, a slice of bread with pb&j and lentil thai curry for dinner. Fuck my disgusting self. Probably in the region of 1000. Not great Piggy, not great.
I still lost 1lb this morning. So I am down to a slightly less disgusting but still completely unacceptable 64.4kg. Today has not been great again, I had three oatmeal crumpets for breakfast this morning, a large bag of crisps and lentil/veggie curry for dinner. So I would imagine that the total is somewhere around 1500. I did my yoga. I can proudly say that I have done 8 of the last 9 days of yoga. Feeling a little bit proud. My weight is still coming down and if it can stick to 1lb per day. It would be great. Let's hope for a loss again tomorrow. I'm sickly fat. Disgustingly fat. I need to just get under 60. I haven't been under 60 in a year now. I need to do it this time, I think with like... the vegan thing it is inevitable that I will get there. How quickly is the question. I'm not allowing myself a non-vegan day in the next week, because last week I had two.
... seem to go together hand in hand, because for some amazing, yet surprising and strange reason, I am still losing weight even though my intake is enormous. I can't tell you why... I don't really understand it myself. As the previous sentence suggests, my intake today was enormous. I had two smallish oatmeal and nectarine pancakes, a big ass bowl of popcorn and a huge portion oh pad thai, which we all know has peanuts in it and a shiton too. I have been keeping up with my yoga challenge, I have done it everyday this week except Tuesday. So on Tuesday, I had my non vegan day for the week and it was a bit of a dog show, which included amongst other things, beer. But consistently since then I have lost one lb a day... well since Thursday. And I haven't been stingy as you can tell. Let's see what tomorrow brings. I've been trying to be more cognisant of what I've been putting in my body for like health reasons. In terms of salt and caffeine (I mean, we all know me and Monster) so I've started off my days with hot water and lemon, trying not to eat crisps, I mean these are the bane of my life. I just want them all the goddamn time. Anyway, will post a weight tomorrow.
On the job front, I'll know next week if I get an offer from either company. I'm not convinced that I will get an offer. I'm starting to worry a little bit, so tomorrow I need to sign up with a couple of temp agencies so that I can cover all my bases and make sure that I start working in the next two weeks. Cuz fuck, I'm getting bored. Goddamn.
Not least of which, as always. I am a fat miserable disgusting Piggy. I suppose at the end of the day it is my namesake, so I just need to suck it up and accept what I am. My mantra in life continues to be: Let go or be dragged. I'm letting go of everything and still striving towards happiness. I suppose, although I have decided that I will never truly love someone ever again and as a result of that realisation, I have now decided that dating is futile and the only person in this world that you can rely on is yourself. I suppose that is a bit sad, but at the end of the day, I have known what it was like to be in love and that's just over now. There are more important things.
My eating is still vegan, although I had a little bit of a slip on Tuesday, mostly because I went to a book signing in Piccadilly Circus and ended up having a few beers, which then led to a whole lot of non-vegan junk food. And then yesterday I was vaguely hungover so I vegan-binged. Granted, it isn't as bad as a normal binge but it was a lot of food. Today hasn't been good either, I mean - not awful. But not great. I have managed to keep up my yoga practice. Three sun salutations per day. I know I'm meant to do then at the beginning of the day, but I've been doing them at the end. I've got two final interviews tomorrow - believe it or not. One for a company dealing in renewables, so I will get to stay in the sector and the other with a bigger corporation. For the second, I'm actually being considered for two different roles. Hey, this time tomorrow, I may have been made an offer. :)
When I look back at what I thought my life was going to be or how it was going to turn out at 18, 21, 24 and even now, I don't think I ever anticipated the things that happened. The fact that I turned out to be a functional bulimic, the fact that I've tried to kill myself twice, getting fired from a job, being too scared to date anyone to a point where I am okay with dying alone and being eaten by my cats. I never could have figured out or planned for any of it. Now, I know that this isn't necessarily any different from the live-in-the-moment schpeal that we are fed on a daily basis from everything, but I suppose my point is that planning often goes wrong. And often what you know about yourself at one point in your life will probably change in a few months time. What I want today, I won't want tomorrow and I have a thousand dreams, ambitions, goals and paths - each and every one of them - I want as badly as I want the others, if I don't achieve all of them, that's also okay. I just want a cause right now, a direction to go in right now and I truly do believe in the power of the universe that I will end up in a happy place. I mean, there is nothing wrong with planning and people probably should plan to a certain extent, but what happens if that doesn't materialise - you are going to devastated with yourself, disappointed and feel like a failure. There's no ambition in having goals like that. What you should probably do is look for short term goal and the long term stuff will happen when they happen. I mean, I'm by no means the kind of person that doesn't plan, in fact I have nothing but plans, loads and loads of them. I couldn't however tell you what my five and ten year life goals are, because I couldn't possibly choose of the thousands and hundreds of millions of options that I have which one I would choose as the focus of my attention. What I can tell you is that when I'm given an opportunity to do something I will choose in that moment and the rest will happen. I dunno... does that make sense? I'm rambling a bit. Right now, I want to get a job that I love and complete my yoga challenge (which I'm going to do right now). So those are my three week goals. Then the next goal I have to go to Thailand or India at the end of the year on holiday. That's about as much as I've got. I'm certainly not without ambition, but what I am is an opportunist and no matter what it is, if someone gives me a chance at awesomeness, I will take it. Bulimia (as a bad example, but an example none the less) gave me the opportunity to be thin and I took it. I may not be the healthiest person alive, but it gave me something that I wanted... It's the decisions that we make.
Rambling, rambling, rambling. God, sometimes I feel like the preachy mother of this online community - please feel free to tell me to shut the fucking fuck up.
Okay, so the purpose of this post is threefold - the first thing is that i'm still digsuting and fat, however with that being said, I've still managed to stick to my vegan since Wednesday, I think I'm getting in the habit of it. Tomorrow is a family friend's birthday, so I need to be extra vigilant to make sure that I don't cheat. The thing is I suppose that vegan food isn't like super yummy, well most of it, so I'm happy to stick to more normal size portions. Who would've ever thought that veganism would help with my bulimia binges. LOL. Still not ready to post a weight. Will see what it is tomorrow and go from there. Fuck it.
The second thing is that I have decided to yet again start purging friends and I have started with the Polish guy - do you remember him? Basically, he is a fucking user. He seems to think that I am cool and all he ever does is take, take, take. First it is finding out where clubs and bars are for him and his friends to go - do I ever get an invite? No. (Would I go? No, but still.) Then it's making me tour guide for his friends around time and they either arse me around, cancel or try to get in my pants. Fuck. That. Have I mentioned that I am totally off men - call it cock-fright. Whatever. I'll die alone, but at least I won't be disappointed with shitty people anymore. Then it's helping him find another job. It's a thankless job being his friend, but I'm sick of him using me as entertainment. I refuse to have people in my life for the sake of it.
(In other news, no big. But I have decided to pursue my lifelong dream of fashion. I've bought a sewing machine and I'm going to learn to make clothes. It will just be a hobby, but fuck it. I've always wanted to learn how to make clothes and now I'm finally doing it :). In other, other news, I'm also developing a little OCD habit of keeping my flat clean and spending ages cleaning it. Weird - I'm 26. Fuck it.)
And the third point of this post is about the yoga challenge. Anyone wanna do a yoga challenge with me? So my base goal is to do three sets of sun salutations per day. Basically, I hate exercise, but I don't want to get like curvature of the spine or atrophying muscles, so I'm going to commit to doing this once a day for 30 days. I want to maybe do a little bit more than just the three sets, but for now and for the lazy days, three sets per day. Anyone wanna join?
That's all really. I mean, it look me about five minutes to do. And while I'm funemployed, I thought it is a great time to develop some healthy grown up habits... well besides the fact that I'm a functional bulimic. Irrelephant!
I got sacked. No like for reals, I got fired. And the funny thing is that I don't give a continental shit in hell about it. When they told me in the meeting, I just laughed. They told me it wasn't funny. I thought it was so go fuck yourself. I was so excited about this job when I first got it and now... I'm just so relieved that it is over. To celebrate or commiserate the occasion, I decided to fuck Sober October in the ass and I drank a bottle of whiskey and got horrendously drunk and ended up cruising around London with the creepy guy on the back of his motorcycle. He might be creepy, but dudes. It was glorious. I have had two interviews since then and have another one on Monday, so I think all in all, I should be okay for a job in the next few weeks. I hope. If not, I might be homeless Piggy, but it will all be okay. Fuck. I just can't work for other people. I have to try. Steve Jobs got fired. Richard Branson got fired. All the best business peeps have been. So my old work can go fuck themselves. They have missed out on something big and that's just the end of it.
On Tuesday, I was doing well in terms of my cals and my weight. I had a small bunch of lentils for lunch and them came the bottle of whiskey, but to be fair. I only had the lentils and the whiskey so it wasn't the end of the world. Yesterday, being hungover was a total write-off. I shan't even go into what I ate, but it was disgusting. I have decided to allow myself one non-vegan day a week. Which would've been yesterday. Today I've been good. I had some hummus with gherkins (weird combo I know), soup for lunch, a soy latte (the fucking bitch at the coffee store put normal caramel syryp in instead of sugar free and I was in a hurry to catch my train so I didn't stay to make her make me another one - so too many cals there) and for dinner I had a small amount of pearl barley and lentils with mushrooms and leeks. I have managed to stay under 800 for the day, so mission accomplished. I will post my weight tomorrow.Please don't judge me for being fat and disgusting.
The good thing about having my career hanging by a thread is that I don't want to eat at all. And that I'm just plain pissed off with everything. This translated into a completely effortless, vegan sandwich from pret for lunch (it was between the sandwich or beetroot and horseradish soup - and the soup is something I have recently discovered I hate - 389), soup for dinner (190) and a soy dessert thing (72) for a total of... 651 for the day. I'm still sticking to my goal of 800 cals for the day. Tomorrow is my disciplinary hearing, so let's hope that I won't be unemployed this time tomorrow. I hate my life.
Basically, my asshole of a boss has taken this fucking conflict resolution as an opportunity to to lie about my performance at work and now I have a fucking disciplinary on Tuesday. Although what she doesn't understand is that once I have had it and basically been cleared of all things performance related, I full intend on laying a complaint against her for making a vexatious allegation against me which potentially could cost me my job. This also counts as gross misconduct and is one of the things they can fire you for. Fuck her. She is not going to fuck up my career just because she is a fucking asshole.
Weight wise, I've been high for the last three days, so essentially I've been eating like a fucking horse. Today has been better and I did a shit load of walking today and a shit load of housework, so I've had three sugar free energy drinks, half a tandoori roti and the thai curry I'm busy making which consists of oyster mushrooms, leek, broccoli and coconut milk. So my total intake for today is going to be somewhere in the region of like.. 500.
I've decided that despite only doing Sober October for like... October. That I'm going to stop drinking and allow myself one drunk night a month. I feel better without it, I've got a shitload more done this weekend than usual and life is just generally cheaper that way. If I am going to be able to go on my pilgrimage to India at the end of the year, then I'm going to need to stop spending so much money.
Today started off fucking miserably! And I'm talking class A misery. Not only did I wake up and I was 1lb up from yesterday even though I didn't have that much to eat and after I literally fought with myself for like - an hour about not going to buy binge food (which I won in the end).. wait let me finish that thought first. So I have realised - you know how they say that cravings last for five minutes - LIES. I have cravings for about an hour. Where I kinda go, I want, I want, I want. It's more of a mental craving I think, than anything else. In addition to being vegan, I have also decided to not drink for October - Sober October, OcSober, whatevs - and I've decided to not eat crisps for October. Because I am addicted to crisps. Anyway, that being said...Today was also shit, because I'm so over work at the moment and the whole interview process with all of these companies is just dragging the fuck on. So that was shitty.
But I have been thinking of something Sam Lupin said in her one of her comments (<3 <3 <3 <3) which was something along the lines of needing to up my intake for a little bit before I start doing my thang again and it got me to thinking that I need to go back to the basics again. Of learning how to do this. I remember when I started restricting properly I aimed for 800 cals a day. And I didn't beat myself up about if I literally ate 799. You know when you say "I'm only eating 500 cals a day" - what you actually mean is that I'm eating 300 cals a day, because I don't want everyone to see what a Fat Piggy I am. Of course I have more willpower and I can do better than those enormous 500 calories. So when I say 800, I mean 500. So I think I am going to aim to be around 800... and actually mean 800.
I digress, yet again. I digress a fuckload... in general. Honestly, sometimes... *SHUT UP PIGGY* - ANYWAY. So here are my victories for today. The first is my intake - coke light, soup (225), green juice (60?), pot noodles (240) and pistachios (170) for a grand total of 695 for the day - which really is quite alright. VICTORY! I also managed to go to a friends house and NOT eat any of the ton of pasta bake that was on offer, I just sipped my freshly juiced green juice (have you guys noticed the green juice trend - I'm a fucking sucker for a fad - no jokes!) VICTORY! I did not binge today, when I very easily could have bought a shiton of food on the way home and instead bought the noodles and pistachios. WIN! And then my vegan win - the noodles that I bought had chicken flavouring with them and instead of using it (cuz I mean, it was a chicken a really, really long time ago and it's only flavouring), I used thai green curry paste instead. So that's fucking amazefest. SELF-FIVE!
So, I think that within our own fucked up, ED dominated mess of a world, let's make it our mission today and maybe for tomorrow too to be kind to ourselves. We may fuck up and eat... all the time. But let's consider that we really do try hard and have made it the centre of our lives. I mean, surely we deserve some kind of credit for at least trying. And trying hard. But at the end of the day, we can't help it that we have to eat as a basic human instinct, or that we are designed to need food. So despite the fact that food is just unacceptable - let's be kind today. :)
I don't even know what to say anymore. I know I'm just flat out useless and I feel like I should just fucking give up. I'm never going to be as skinny as my UGW ever again. CRYCRYCRYCRY. I'm just so fucking over the lack of self control that I have. I mean right now for example - all I can think about it going to buy a packet of crisps. The only thing that is stopping me is that I actually did a cheeky weigh in this morning. And lemme tell you, my dearest Piglets. The news - she is NO good. I can't reveal I'm afraid. I can barely stand that I know the number, I just couldn't tell anyone else. It's bad enough that I have to go out in public looking like this... just an average fat girl. Just being average. And fat. Oh look at her pretty hair, pity she's so fat. FUCK. And today, not much better - I had blueberries and zero cal monster (95), beetroot and horseradish soup (122), popcorn *Cry* (138) and then a fucking landslide of veg curry for dinner - granted it was just a lot of coconut milk in there and veggies, but I'm sure it pushed me over 1000. Because why? Because I'm a pathetic hulking mass of a person who is inevitably just a waste of goddamn space.
Peace & Love
**EDIT: In other news - I have decided that my curiosity has finally got the best of me and I want to know what my filthy whore of an ex's fiancee/wife whatever looks like, so I unblocked him on facebook, but alas. There is nothing to look at on it. Fucker. Fucker. Fucker. Fuck you, Roy. Cunt whore.**
... Standing before my fridge, asking it to lock itself.
I'm still an asshole. I'm still fat. I broke last night and had some crisps and a muffin - so I actually ended my day on like... 1300. Great Piggy, just fucking great - AREN'T YOU!? Still too scared to weigh-in. Today? TODAY!? Not much better. I had a jacket potato with lentils for lunch (Fat Piggy) and then for dinner I had a small portion of butternut, corn and mushroom green curry (which I made myself, so there wasn't anything too bad in it). I'm not sure how much that is, but I'm sure I'm under 1000 for the day. I've been drinking loads of water too, so I'm trying to get it down. I need to get used to not eating so much. 21 days to make or break a habit. So, I just need to go another 20 and a half days before I've broken my disgusting binge eating at night debauch. Anyway, but I bitch and moan and bitch some more. I might weigh in tomorrow, but I'm so scared to. I know that I just need to deal with the scale, but I know what it's going to say. I might wait a few more days. A grown-ass woman scared of a scale. My goodness Piggy, but you are pathetic?
I'm busy interviewing like mad for a new job, although it looks like the one I want is only going to start in January, which means two months of commuting like an animal to the new office location, but let's just see shall we. Doesn't someone want to give me loads of money so that I can go rescue elephants in India - SOMEONE!? I'd make a great socialite, that's for sure. Anyway, thinspo for my beautiful Piglets. Thanks for reading my dribble.
I'm just enormous. I feel like this hulking mountain of flesh coming at people like a Sasquatch sized cannon ball. Fuck. I hate it. I'm on this whole alpha female kick at the moment, mostly because of how in demand I seem to be with my job hunting. I've got four... or five companies that want to interview in the next few weeks and that is excluding the four dream job applications that I made... but whether or not they call is a different matter. Anyway, so I've decided to devote all of my energy to being a truly amazing business person. I am far too worn down for men and maybe there is just no one else out there for me. And I'm cool with that. BUT as always, Mia is right, right there to remind me that I'll just be another sat, fat loser with no life and her cats if I can't shift this weight. I've decided not to weigh myself till Wednesday, because I think I may lose it if I get on the scale today. Today I've had about 500 cals, yoghurt, soup and some crackers. I'm only on soup really at the moment, so I'm going to have yoghurt for lunch, soup for dinner. That is the master plan. I can't believe I've spent this year so disgustingly fat.
It's all been a bit melodramatic for the past few days or weeks. I got into another discussion with my boss on Friday, except this time it involved her boss too and basically, the dumb mother fucking hobag whore BITCH lied to her boss about me and started telling her how I don't listen to the things she tells me. Fucking. Liar. Anyway, so essentially, I'm giving up that battle. Because, I only fight for things that are worth fighting for and I am NOT A FUCK working for someone that is petty enough to lie about my performance to someone else. So I'm just going to put the job search into over drive and let's hope that I can resign within the next two weeks.
Basically as a by product of that whole situation is that I have been constantly stoning for the last two weeks or so and eating a lot as a by product of that. I managed to keep it civilised yesterday and today, but that has been a first. I'm getting uncontrollably fat again. I've decided that I am going to go on a soup diet from tomorrow until next Sunday - vegan of course. Bring it.
I just can't seem to control myself. My god. Yesterday, I may as well have eaten my body weight in disgusting carbs. I mean being onsite is just a barrage of bad food, although I've tried to stay clear of it and then tried to mitigate with soup for dinner last night. But then I had bread with it. Cry, cry, cry. I'm going to try and do the vegan thing today while onsite, which probably just means a lot of fruit, because lord knows, they don't cater to vegans. I can't wait to go home, I hate being away. I know it makes me a sad cat lady, but I really miss my cats. God, I'm kinda pathetic. I need to face the scale tomorrow morning at home. I hope it isn't too bad, but I can see that it is. I look pregnant.
I got into a bit of a heated discussion with a girl from work where basically they told me that I need to start playing the 'game' at work. I.e. run with the corporate bullshit that is part of being employed with a big corporation. These fucking people just don't understand. They are happy being mediocre and okay with life. Aspiring to get a mortgage, have children, marry someone less than perfect just to be able to do this. And rather than putting it down to a difference in priorities, she seems to think that the reason I don't want to play the game and aspire to these things is because I'm SO young. NO, let me tell you. NO. I don't want to engage in this shit, because I aspire to be amazing, with an amazing career and I truly believe that I can and will make a difference in the world. Maybe I am crazy to think that I can, but working in a corporate environment has not made me resign myself to the idea that this is it - it makes me want it even more, it makes me want to be more excellent. I don't want to play their game, because I don't believe that I should be a corporate beggar playing over the scraps, I believe that I should be playing the game with things that matter - that I am an asset to any organisation that I am part of and I expect to be treated as such. Maybe I am arrogant, but maybe I am just crazy enough to innovate and believe that I can make a difference - BECAUSE I CAN.
In other news, a colleague of the German is at this conference and came up to me yesterday to tell me that he sends his regards. Talk about awkward. And I mean - I want to know who this person is. Or how much he knows about the situation, because it was kinda like he was making an awkward gesture. It was very awkward on the whole. I've decided now that I want to be single going forward. I'm done dating losers. I don't have a problem with random hook ups when I need some loving, but I like being on my own and I'm just going to embrace that and work on my career. I applied for an awesome job at the Oxford University Press as a Production Editor, I hope, hope, hope I get it. It will mean moving to Oxford, but OUP is a dream job, so I'm totes willing to do that. Guys, I just want to curl up in bed and cry a little. Like, sometimes, you just need an ugly cry.
After all that drama with my boss last week, she showed up at my event and now she thinks she can run the show. OMG. Can someone please just high five her... in the face, with a chair? I wish she would fucking leave me alone. Breathe Piggy, just breathe. Just biding my time until I leave the company. Goddamn. I also am in full job search mode at the moment. I've gotta leave the company before they move to Teddington in November. So I have three weeks to try and get a job offer. God, that's abysmal. Anyway, I've applied for like a hundred jobs and since I'm an awesome producer, I think it will be fine. In a very vain kinda way, I love that my job title is 'Producer'. Damn right. I think it's just a fancy name for a project manager of some kind of media...
Just met the cutest boy, he is tall and geeky and a CEO. Swedish - totes beautiful. That aside... I don't have anything to add, except I'm way broke as always. I'm fat - as always. I wasn't even doing well last week and now I'm back not doing well again. Veganism isn't going well this week, since I'm away and I don't think veganism exists in Germany... I think that it is okay to be vegan most of the time, I mean. I don't have any ethical reason for it, so I'm going to work my way up to die hard full on vegan shortly. Boom!
I'm in Hamburg and I'm a whale, but I can't stop eating... I was meant to be here with the German, but instead we both fucked it up this time. He said he'd never give up on me, but why wouldn't you. Just look at me. All I can think is that I wish you were here.
I swear, I may need to get a restraining order or something, because this dude, Ian. Completely freaks me out. Like - he is so weird and creepy. For example, I was telling him that I love iOS7 (#geekmoment) and I told him that it has a compass. His response, you ask? "My mind is a compass." Ya, and everything he says is some kind of weird .... bastardisation of what I had just said. Like a beat poet or something. I don't know. So, yesterday I got into this huge fight with my boss, because I am sick of her micromanaging me, so I was literally in the worst mood ever and I just wanted to get baked and bong-out. Without asking - he brought around some "cabbage", but he didn't want any. Anyway, after some time - like - an hour, I asked him to leave, because he was creeping me out so much. And to be honest, I just didn't feel safe around him. Nonetheless, he asked if he could stay a bit longer... okay (WTF, WTF). Then he asked if he could finish his drink (DAFUQ!?), then he started to look like he was going to fall asleep (GTFO!). So I then asked him if he had any plans for tomorrow, i.e. today and he immediately perked up and we made provisional plans to go ice skating today. And then he was like okay, cool. I'll see you tomorrow. And he left. I swear. to. fuck. I'm going to go outside later today and he's going to fucking be there waiting. He is so creepy. I swear. I need to get the cops on speeddial. He's so creepy. Like he told me that he watches a lot of fantasy gay rape porn. Now - excuse me for being naiive, but wouldn't you fucking maybe think you should a detail like that to yourself for at least the first few weeks that you know someone!? Fo'rils - that shit is just not something you share after knowing someone for three days. Anyway, so obviously I'm going to either cancel or just ignore this guy, lock my doors and keep the cats inside, but ya. Fuck it. That was my Friday night. Bleak that he knows where I live though. Anyway, this brings me to reinforce my previous idea that if he is over 30 and single - there is a fucking good reason why!
Anyway, day... 5ish or 6 - mission vegan is going well. I'm actually doing really well and I really an enjoying it. Don't know that I'm feeling any healthier, but then again - I'm quite baked. BOOM!
You know. Sometimes, I really do believe that my life is actually crazier than most other peoples. I do kinda think that somehow my life is a series of just really random events, crazy people and crazy stories. I mean. The situations I often find myself in amuse me. To the ends of the earth really. I mean - last weekend I met two guys on my way home and ended up getting a dodgy tattoo of a heart on my ribs (not the smartest idea, but what the fuck ever). My latest misadventure was last night. I sold this TV that my friend from South Africa left here with me when he went back and the guy that bought it showed up and he isn't bad looking, age appropriate and as it turns out completely interesting. I started babbling on about something as I tend to do and before I knew it we were drinking vodka and making out. I am fairly certain that he is at least bi-sexual as I made a joke about him being a top or a bottom and he was like. Oh, DEFINITELY a bottom. I was like 'dafuq!?' He wasn't joking. Anyway, so he stayed the night, nothing happened really, we were both very drunk. I dunno, he is also really weird and very intense. I think he is just lonely and without being a total asshole, I'm kinda out of his league. I mean. The fact that I'm an elephant aside. He's 32. God, how sad is it that 32 is age appropriate for me. FUCK MY LIFE.
Anyway, so I mean. There are a couple of red flags here apart from the fact that he might actually be gay. The first being that he was sectioned a few weeks ago for basically getting fucked up on mushrooms and then wandering around the countryside, getting really ill, hitch hiking back to London and then going psycho - apparently drug-induced psychosis. Apparently. Anyway, so there is that. Then there is also the fact that he is like best buddies with his mother and father. I mean. I don't really like anyone interfering too much in my life. Come on. I moved halfway across the world to get away from my meddling family. So there is that also. Then - he knows a lot of people on crack by the sounds of things. Like, he keeps referring to crackhead friends of his and the fact that they hang out at his place. He obviously doesn't have a lot of friends. Anyway, then he said that he couldn't just let loose, because people really irritate him and in a nut shell. He basically said that he was scared that he would kill someone. I mean. WTF. I know and trust myself enough as a person to make sure that no matter how angry I am with someone, that I wouldn't kill them. I mean - I'm not an angry person, well that's a lie. I am, but I'm not a fucking psycho killer fucking stalker crazy person. Fuck it. Jog on?
Yeah anyway, there are a lot of things basically about this guy that are crazy. Oh WAIT!! AND THE BEST FUCKING PART, THE BEST. He has already told his mother about me. Oh yeah. Well that being said, of course - I don't give a continental flying fuck if the person is bat shit crazy, because me being me, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want anyway. And with that in mind, we're going to hang out this weekend. It should be awesome. I'm in Hamburg next week for work on the trip that I was supposed to see the German on. But, I may have neglected to tell you all this - he was seeing someone else on the side. And honestly, I was fucking disgusted. Now I know I'm the worlds hugest hypocrite, but the thought of him with someone else makes me fucking ill. And not only that - I've been down this road before with Roy-I'm-A-Cunt-Face-Loser-Assbag-Whoring-Piece-Of-Shit-Liar, and I just don't have the energy to ever go down that road again. And yes, it did upset me, which is the reason that I'm on this downward binge spiral to hell. But it is what it is and I think that at this point in my life, I am too selfish to give a shit about anything other than myself and my two kitties. So - what the fuck ever. JOG ON!
In other news, I'm day 3 totally vegan - even today - being hungover as SHIT, I managed to stay vegan and the brilliant thing about it is that vegan food, really isn't that great. Like all the good stuff that I love - with the exception of potatoes - I don't wanna eat that much of it, so even though I gave myself license to have a hungover binge - I didn't end up eating too, too much. I mean - I had vegetable curry with rice for lunch, some pasta for dinner, a sandwich and some rice cakes. Really - considering what I can eat in a binge - it's not that much at all and without dairy i.e. cheese and meat in it, it's not even that high in calories. So yeah, veganism is a breeze so far and being the attention whore that I am - I like that I have a bit of an eccentric diet, like Steve Jobs. What would Steve do?
I've been having a weird thought lately about printing off the entire contents of this blog and printing them into a book... Oh some variety. Then deleting all the current posts and starting fresh - same URL, just not branded as a pro-ana blog. I know this is a stupid and ungrateful thing to say, but I get really irritated by getting emails from girls asking me how to be ana/mia. Come on guys, have we learned nothing? An eating disorder is something that I live with - it's part of my life, it's a disease that I have that dictates each and every move that I make. I am not going to encourage you to be sick, anymore than I'm going to encourage you to go have sex without a condom in rural Africa and get AIDS. Again, have we learned nothing?
So I know I've been gone for like... almost three weeks, but basically - you all know the reason why. It's because... *dum, dum, dum* I've been binging. And can you believe it - of course you can - I've gotten enormous. Not only am I not able to control my eating AT ALL, I have been not controlling it by eating copious amounts of takeaways. Go fucking me. Of course. Anyway, so that aside. The fact that I'm huge. I'm in the process of interviewing for a new job, which aside from being totally amazefest and which is going to allow me to be the Steve Jobs I've always wanted to be. For those that don't know - I idolise him. Anyway. Lalala.
OH and I've also decided to become a vegan, which was... three days ago. Granted today was the first day that I actually did a proper vegan. The stupid thing about it though was of course that I accidentally ate non-vegan things. There really is dairy in everything. Anyway, but I've basically got this cool app which will sort me out, so that I can sort it out.
I'm far too scared to weigh myself so I'm only going to do that on Friday. Today I have had around... 800 cals I think. I had soup for lunch and then pasta for dinner, which was lovely.
I can and will get this under control. Yet. Again.
I had a very interesting conversation with my sister the other day, which wasn't so much a revelation about myself rather than me actually being honest about myself... to myself. Basically, I think I am an attention addict. And before I go into what that actually means for me, I suppose the most obvious place to start is WHY. Firstly, I mean maybe this is a personality trait of all borderlines, but I was a fat kid - not fat, but just being tall and being a bit chubby, it sucked major donkey balls to be this huge hulking person, because let's face it: if you are tall and normal sized, you are still like twice the size of your petite friends and for me - all my friends were petite. As were all the women in my family. An enormous hulking female. This also stemmed from the fact that I felt that my sister got more attention than I did. And more of the kind of attention that I wanted. Girly, pretty attention. I was always the puzzler, the academic. The smart one. The one that was always friends with the boys, but who was never dated by the boys. I think being like that you seem to have some semblance sometimes of how to get attention. Whether it is learning to be super loud (like me) or super intelligent (like me), or super funny (like me) - basically - learning to have other things about yourself be attractive or impressive to people so that at least you can get some kind of attention. To result of this stemming for such a young age is that I had like NO friends in school. Look. Not none. But I wasn't popular. I wasn't good at sport, I was too obnoxious and opinionated. I am a loner and I always have been. So that's how I learned to get attention. Then I learned when I left school that I could get attention by being the awesome drunk party girl and people loved (and still do love) to party with me, because I am a little bit crazy and a lot of fun. I am fun enough to dip your toe into every once and a while, but too crazy for close normal friendships. All of my friends are unique and weird, like me.
And then you get older and you learn that there are ways that you can get attention which may be slightly more destructive, but they are still really good ways of doing that. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Suicide, cutting, starving. All of these things in one way or another are my manifestation of the kind of person that I want to be. Which is fucking cool. I think I just want to be the girl that everyone likes, that everyone wants to be friends with and who is just the perfect person - smart, tall, thin and awesome generally. Suicide - I can't deal with the embarrassment of failing out of varisty - I can't deal with the shame of losing my perfect boyfriend that I was so happy with - failure doesn't happen to perfect people. Cutting - I feel no pain. This is the pain that is real and I can deal with this pain. I am a rock. Impervious. Starving - because perfect people don't leave footprints. They don't have rolls of fat and they don't have cellulite. They have every single person's attention when they walk into a room, because they are the most amazing and the most beautiful and perfect.
Losing that attention is the worst kind of humiliation that an attention addict can ever feel, because it says to you constantly: YOU. ARE. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. Maybe we all have an obsession with perfection and maybe I am paralised by the fear of not being the absolutely best at absolutely everything. And no, I don't think that this is me being too hard on myself, because the attention that I want is pure admiration, I want people to look at me and go: fuck. She has her shit together. And she looks good doing it. I don't want people to come to my flat, because I am ashamed that it is too small or that they won't think I'm tidy enough or glamourous enough.
Hi, my name is Fat Piggy and I'm an attention addict.
So I got my nipple pierced and contrary to what every one else said, it was fucking painful. I mean. It is okay now, but still. Fuck it hurt at the time. I weighed in at a disgusting number this morning, which serves me right for so many days of binging. I promise to report my weight tomorrow morning, hopefully it will be better. I had salmon lettuce wraps for dinner, some pineapple and a large skimmed latte from Costa. All in all, I think I'm looking at 550 for the day. I also took some laxies, just cuz I'm worried that I am carrying around a lot of excess food weight from my binges and with not a lot going in, I just needed a bit of a cleanse I think. I am seeing my ANA friend tomorrow, and I know how fat I feel around her, so hopefully, it won't be too bad. Just trying to drink lots of water. I am determined to be under 60 by the end of the week. I know I can do this.
I've been thinking about this for about three fucking weeks and I managed to forget because somehow I am a complete airhead. Happy 2 Year Blogaversary to me. I have had this blog for 2 years now and WOW! does time fly sometimes. That aside, HEY!
I don't have all that much to update except that I have pretty much binged for the past three days solidly, except for today where I have fasted. Not a single calorie has passed my lips for about 24 hours now. Amazefest. The German and I have also officially broken up. But I still have to see him in about a month at a conference, so I have to make sure I am looking skinny and sexy for then. I'm going to do a juice fast until Monday. I've never actually tried one so I am actually really keen.
Tomorrow, I'm going to get my nipple pierced, because fuck it. Why not? I'm also contemplating getting a kitten, because again - fuck it. Why not? I just want to be skinny and awesome. I'm feeling kinda awesome, binging aside. But now for the skinny part. I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow, so will update. I've decided that if I'm going to be lonely and unloveable, then I just need to be a lonely, unloveable badass.