Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sometimes, Life Throws You A Bone

And for me, today was that day. I can't even begin to describe how ecstatic I am today for a number of reasons. Man - where the fuck do I even begin? So the obvious place to start is all the crap that is going on at work. I declined the offer from the new company. Fucking hell, Piggy! Are you mad? Well, my boss today matched the salary that I was offered. I actually feel valued at the company for the first time since I started there and midst all of the drama and redundancies going on - they actually WANT me to stay. So not only am I earning 15% more than I was before, I don't have to change companies and sacrifice my amazing portfolio. To say that I am happy about this would be the understatement of the century. Oh. My. God. 

The second reason that I am so happy is that today I did something VERY grown up - I bought a mattress. I basically live in mattress hell at the moment, I've been on a manky gross futon mattress for almost two years now and I bought a new one for myself. It cost a small fortune, but MOTHER FUCKERS, there is some adult shit goin' on up in her'! I know I'm not a gangster, but let me have this one, foo'!

The third and fourth thing go hand in hand. Weight. Yup, I weighed in at a lovely 63.7kg this morning. I mean like. WTF? Isn't that AMAZING? That's 2lbs/1kg overnight. Of course that means that I will probably gain tomorrow, because that's always how it is. But I'm well pleased. Today wasn't great foodwise - I had hummus and crackers (220, 164 and cucumber 20?), a tall ice coffee from Starbucks (150) and then the kicker - it was a tomato and rocket salad, with the tiniest shaving of pecorino on it and then courguette fritters - I have no idea how many calories. and a nectarine - if I had to guess, I'd guess that I'm somewhere around 1000 for the day. I'm really hoping that I at least maintain for tomorrow. OH and then number 4 - I bought an age 11 - 12 dress today for a party on Saturday AND IT FITS! OMG. Amazing right? Who says kids clothes are only for kids? 

I have also decided to start dry brushing. I think it's the right thing to do to tackle this nasty cellulite that I have on my butt and thighs. It's not bad mind you, but Miranda Kerr dry brushes and she is HOT, so I shall too! 

Love & Happiness
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Success Is Sometimes An Awful Thing

I've had a couple of successes today - three in fact. And although I'm super pleased with all of them, I'm torn about the two. So let me start from the beginning. After my EPIC binge on Monday and a good day yesterday, I hopped on the scale this morning and lo-and-fucking-behold = 64.7kg. WHAT WHAT!? Anyway, so today I'm aiming for 800 - I've having some BBQ "chicken" nuggets for lunch (460) and a salad for dinner (220) and maybe some fruit. 

Second success of the day was that the job offer I got yesterday, the company agreed to pay me a higher salary - so basically, I successfully negotiated my basic up. Now, what makes this a hard success is that I then had my redundancy consultation this morning and my role is not being made redundant (third success), but that in the midst of people getting made redundant, I had to ask for them to match my offer from the other company or I'd resign. It's just such bad timing and I didn't mean for it to turn out this way, but c'est la vie. So they will let me know by the end of the day whether they will, which I doubt they will or I am resigning. So, sadness midst the success. I really hope that they can match it, but if they won't I will know exactly where I stand with the company - i.e. that they do not value me as a member of the company. So basically, it will be fine either way and I will have lots of new moneys to spend on cars and clothes and frivolous things! :)

ANYWAY, wish me luck?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Shit Is Going DOWN!

Well, well. The shit has hit the fan at my work in a BIG way. Tomorrow we will find out who has been made redundant. I also got offered a job today. The salary isn't right, but I may take it if I get made redundant. I'm trying to negotiate them up by a couple of grand but I'm SO worried that they will withdraw the offer for me being greedy. ANYWAY. By tomorrow at 11am I will know whether or not I am leaving the company one way or another. Best case scenario is that the new company agrees to a slightly higher salary and that my current company gives me three months pay in lieu of redundancy. BECAUSE then I can take a month off and go on holiday to Thailand, buy a new car and then start a new job at the end of August. I doubt it will all work out like that. But let's see. WISH ME LUCK!! 

So, yesterday I binged. And I binged good. I felt sick and I was stressed. Weirdly enough though, I woke up only 0.7kg heavier than I was the day before. I'm only having about 500 cals today, so I'm hoping for a good outcome on the scales tomorrow. Today I had four cups of tea with sugar (SUGAR, I KNOW 150 cals), and a salad... maybe aboout 250, and three hershey kisses (66). So yeah. It's okay. 

WISH ME LUCK GUYS! I'm gonna need it! 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When Saturday Turned Into Fat-her-day!

So Friday ended up being like totally fine right! I didn't eat anything more after I posted, so HOORAY for no more binging on Fridays, now just to keep that up in the future. But then yesterday, I went and saw my mother for the first time since she arrived here like... two months ago. And ended up getting drunk on Pims and eating like a pig and then having snacks and a burger afterwards with David. Not my best, but to be fair - I weighed in at 64.9kg on Saturday morning. I was 65.6 this morning, so not too bad. I didn't binge properly, like the extent to which you feel ill. Just ate too much. ANYWAY, but today I've not had too much. I'm finished eating for the day - have had a latte, vegan slices with hummus, gherkins and cucumber - total of which is I'd say around 800. So that's me for the day. 

David and I also went to Ikea and I opened a savings account. I am trying to be a more responsible adult and with this new job prospect coming up, I'm going to be earning more money. So I want to start saving for my car fund (which needs to include a year's insurance too) and then I want to start saving for a house. I figure, if I can just get my weight down along with all of this - my life will be epic again. :)

ANYWAY, another very important thing that I did on Friday was that I updated my GWs, CW and LW on my blog page (if y'all noticed). So I have finally faced the fact that I'm lardish compared to what I used to be and that in order to get down to it, I needto realign and realise that this is going to be as hard as it was the first time and that it isn't a two week starve solution. I feel really good about doing it, because it's like realigning my mindset to where I need to be. :)

Love & Determination
Xo Xo

Friday, July 25, 2014

Usually What Happens

Is that I write this post about how my intake has been fine for the day and then I go off and binge. So help me god, now that I have admitted to this little weakness, I am NOT GOING TO BINGE! Say it with me: "I WILL NOT BINGE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!" I won't. 

Today, my intake could be better, however. I'm okay with it. It all came down to those SODDING Doritos. Anyway, so I had coffee (two sugars and milk, 100), lentil salad (240), doritos (150 - I think, it may be less, but rather safe than sorry), two maltezer balls (20), a small portion of oven chips (168), a little bit of pesto (60), ketchup (35), a nectarine (40) and a wholeeeee bunch of tomatos (65). Total for the day 878. 

I managed a loss on the scale today of 0.2kg, so I'm hoping that tomorrow will be just as good. Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Laughing Is All I Can Do Sometimes

I fucking gained a pound this morning. Back up by 0.4kg. Can you even believe it? I'm not going to get pissed off - WHATEVER. It will go down again eventually. So I just need to stick to it today, which is going to be difficult, because my dear drunk boyfriend is drunk (he finished exams today) and on his way back to mine with mcdonalds. Don't eat it, Piggy. He eats so fast. You only have to hold out for a few minutes. 

My intake today is okayish. I've had to skip dinner, because I gave in to the work temptation today and had two biscuits (gluten-free, right? NOT 162) and a small handful of cashews (100). So that in addition to a salad for lunch (240), coffee (130) and a nectarine (40) brings my total for today to 670. Not great, but let us hope for a loss tomorrow. 


Peace & Positivity
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

What, What!?

Dudes, DUDES! I lost 0.7kg this morning on the scale - can you even fucking cope!? I can't. I'm lower than I was when I plateaued a couple of weeks ago (pre-binge obviously). Anyway, I'm SO pleased. I'm hoping that this means that the running has kick started my metabolism and that I'm going to just drop the weight super quickly. Probably not. Anyway, I haven't run since Sunday. BUT. My logic is such: I always start exercising and then I stop because I go at it hammer and tongs. So I will go six days a week and then I will fail and be angry with myself. So I've said to myself that as long as I can go for one solitary run a week, I won't be mad. So I'll go this weekend maybe. 

I've now got three interviews next week - EECK! One of them is the second interview from the one earlier this week and the other two are new roles. I did get a job spec today for diet and nutrition industries - I would legit die to get that job. As we all know - ED-girl dream innit?? 

Anyway, today's intake has been okay. Still gluten free and for the second day in a row, I've managed to resist the plethora of biscuits and sweets that have occupied my desk for the last two days. Literally, there has been a ton. Today there were packets of hobnobs, oreos, chocolate fingers and TUC biscuits. I didn't have a single one. *snaps* for Piggy. SERIOUSLY MUTHA FUCKERS - *SNAPS* for me. *dance dance*. Anyway, so my actual intake. I had normal coffee amounts (4 coffees, one spoon of sugar 100cals), a lentil salad (220), two clementines (70), one nectarine (40) and lastly two vegan sausages (gluten free, 260). 690 calories total today. I'm quite pleased with that. It is always a challenge to resist having a big dinner. 

So I'm hoping that I will lose again tomorrow. I must say, the combination of gluten free and minimal exercise has really made such a difference. So let's hope it isn't a fluke and that the loss continues. Man, I'd kill to be 1kg lighter by Monday. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Small Victories

This morning when I stepped on the scale I had lost 1.3kgs. I was absolutely amazed, but this goes to show what Kay mentioned about how you weight fluctuates up and down by about 2/3lbs with your period. I'm hoping that this is also a good sign for my weightloss and that the running is going to work with the weight loss. I'm hoping that tomorrow will also be a loss for me. Today I've had a lentil salad (250 max), coffee (120), four nectarines (180), the tiniest slice of cheese (20) and a tiny glass of wine (150) for a total of 720 for the day. I'm happy with that. Fingers crossed for a loss!! AKA A WIN!! We can all use a win sometimes. 

I've also discovered two seasons of unwatched Supersize vs Superskinny - DUDES, you can watch it on youtube, so get watching. It is the greatest thinspo ever. I'm feeling strong at the moment and I find watching fat people really helps me. Also, watching people who are teeeeny tiny without even trying is really inspiring, cuz it makes our lack of willpower sometimes completely inexcusable. 

I wanted to also share Jen's comment that she left on my last post on the subject of being gluten free:
"the only advice i can give you is that... when trying to go gluten free, don't buy things that are "gluten-free"... It defeats the purpose (of not eating)....and god forbid, the dreaded "gluten free bread"... -shivers-"
I think this is really good and important advice and thanks to Jen for sharing. Much like how fat people think that they can still eat loads and be skinny. The reality is that it isn't true for most people. The reality about being gluten free I think is learning to live without those foods. As a vegetarian, I do try to stay away from meat-imitation products for this exact reason - if I wanted meat-like products, I'd just eat meat... I'm not sure if that even makes sense. But whatever you take away from that comment, GO JEN! 

... Everyone *snaps* for Jen. :) 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, July 21, 2014

Interview (& NEW BLOGS PLEASE)

The interview went well. I got invited back for a second interview on the spot. So next week Tuesday, I've got my second with them for which I have to prepare a project. Which is not great. But I figure that I have the interpersonal skills to razzle dazzle, so now all I have to do is dedicate the time to completing this project and I will be laughing all the way to the bank. Motivation often comes in strange forms and today's motivation is courtesy of my colleague Kate, who I found out earns 4k more than me. The insult is that (and don't get me wrong, she is amazing and I love her) I'm better than she is. So fuck it. Fuck this company. I'm outta there as soon as I get a job. Screw it.

Today I've had coffee with sugar (two/three cups; 150?), three biscuits (154) and a lentil salad (which apart from the lentils and 60 cals worth of tofu, total can absolutely not be more than 250). So that's 554 for the day. I definitely am going to have a small clementine and a cup of tea. I will be asleep in like an hour. I'm exhausted. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm still enormous and I haven't had a chance to go for a run. I'm hoping for a loss tomorrow. (Have I told you guys that I'm trying gluten free for a month?)

Last night I started cleaning up my blog reading list. I had 210 blogs on that list from when I started this blog almost three years ago (GOD, 3 YEARS!?) and I've gotten down to the letter 'M' and I'm down to 100. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ALL OF US? I know that a lot of the people that have read and commented and followed this blog have been silly little teenagers who glamourise eating disorders. But fuck me. More than two thirds of the blogs that have been started were abandoned or deleted. ANYWAY. Point is that if you read this and you have a blog, won't you leave the URL in the comments so that I can follow you... (Also to my old readers, I do still read, I just don't always comment - you KNOW who are and that I love you #Sammy4Evs).


Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

What's Been Happening

I don't understand my body, I have no idea what the fuck is going on right now. Legit - I'm not eating a lot, but I'm getting fatter. It's just a losing battle constantly. I think it may be stress. ANYWAY. Oh and I got my period surprisingly yesterday, so... that may be it. ANYWAY. So I weighed myself today and yesterday and let me tell you - I have not seen that number in a really long time. It's a scary high number. FUCK. Anyway, I've taken charge. I'm aiming for 1000 cals a day plus a 15/20 minute run 5/6 days a week. I'm going to try this for two weeks and see how I go. 

I've also been arguing a lot with David, because he watches me.This morning, he watched me weigh myself. Like he walked past as I was doing it and then stopped and watched. So naturally, I completely flipped my shit with him. I screamed at him in an instant and then ran and hide in the other room. Who the fuck (!?) does he think he is? WHO DOES THAT!? I am so fucking angry about it. Is nothing in this world sacred? I mean for FUCK sakes. I need my privacy and if he can't give me that, then he needs to get the fuck out. 

I've also got an interview tomorrow morning... Hopefully I'll get the job. :) I hope so.. It is doing production, same as I'm doing now. I will however have to leave renewables, as this role is in telecoms. But it's exciting, it's all mobiles and tablets. VERY. Cool. I really like the company and would like to make sure that I'm the right fit for it. I'm excited. Wish me luck?

Owing to my fatness, I also just took some laxies even though I swore that I wouldn't take anymore. I hate it. I need to go for my run, but it's pouring with rain.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Total Fucking Shitstorm & Then Some

Things are just going to absolute shit at the moment in my life. God forbid the 'happiness' last long at all, time for the next sodding hurdle and fuck me. I wish it would all just go away for a while. Work is a total shitshow at the moment. With a new MD, the company is slowly realising the trouble that it is in and for better or worse, I'm completely willing to weather the storm. EXCEPT. Now they've told us that someone from my team of 7 is going to be out of a job by the end of the year. So my options are to wait around and hope that I don't get sacked or to find another job. I've chosen to do the latter. I mean in essence, I will have to wait around for the BIG REVEAL, but ultimately I've made the decision to the GTFO. It's so stressful and I'm an anxious wreck for most of the time. I can't do my job properly, because I'm completely distracted. It is awful. The upside is that the jobs I'm looking at are significantly better paid than my current role and more senior. Every cloud... 

The other side of it is that I smoked all weekend, which means I ate all weekend and am enormous. Today I had a couple too many cals but on the whole I'm at around 1200. I can deal. Too terrified to step on the scale. Awful. Awful. Awful. 

Awful & More Awful
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Because I Was Weak...

I now have to be strong. Quick update, because David will be here any second. I didn't binge after my post last night, so all-in-all yesterday was a relative success. Today however, I was weak from start to finish so now come dinner time, I need to be strong. I had a soy latte (148) from starbucks, I then had corguette fritters with sweet chilli sauce and salad for lunch (guessing around 400?), a biscuit (67), three small squares of chocolate (90?) and a monster (15) - total therefore is 720... oh and add three cups of coffee (no sugar), so 800. HOWEVER, I am going to have a little bit of wine, I'm guessing the content of which is around 400 cals. So 1200 for the day is not great, however to be proactive, I am not having any dinner. YES WE CAN! I'm a bit miserable that I can't have dinner, but if I hadn't have had the chocolate and the latte... or the biscuit, I'd be able to. Fuck it. 

I still haven't weighed in. I'm still too bloated and scared. I will though... eventually. Maybe tomorrow just to see where I am. I've already planned my lunch for tomorrow, so that's sorted. I just need to make it to lunch without eating anything AND NO LATTES! 

Follow me on twitter peeps :) @FatPiggyFlowers! 

Twitter & Instagram (WHORE!)
Xo Xo

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Fucked Up. Again.

After I posted last night, I ate another 520 calories which means I had 1440 yesterday. Sad and disgusting. Needless to say - I didn't weigh this morning. Anyway, I've looked and felt enormous all day. I'm bloated and huge. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be less bloated. 

Today I had an avocado and chickpea salad again (320), tea (100), a biscuit (67) and steamed gyoza (300), so that's 787 today. Manageable. I think I've realised that in the 700/800s is a manageable intake for me. Anyway, my goal is to be sub-62 by August 1st - which is my company summer party, so let's hope my dreaded plateau doesn't re-emerge. 

One can only hope. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, July 7, 2014

Completely Fucked Up

Over the weekend... starting on Thursday in fact. I worked from home. I binged. Friday, I got my new tattoo - four and a half hours of pain - low blood sugar - I binged. Saturday I kept it together and then I got drunk = binge. Yesterday, I was hungover as fuck. Binge. (Speaking of which, if you want to see the new tattoo, check out my twitter: @FatPiggyFlowers)

Today... not great, but manageable. Dumplings with hoison sauce for lunch (200), nachos (236), tea (130) and a chickpea and avocado salad (341) = 907 for the day. Not great, but coming off four days of binging with a stretched stomach. I'm alright with it. I'm going to try and replicate this tomorrow. Minus the nachos and tea count. Basically, I have milk in my tea and then sometimes... I mean. I can't lie, I do sometimes cave and have a spoonful of sugar in my coffee... anyway. For today I will take it. I'm only going to weigh on Wednesday.

It will be okay...

I hope.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Is It Real Weight?

After writhing in agony last night for about an hour, I have resolved to not take laxies anymore. Not that I ever took them often, but it seriously cannot be healthy to put yourself through that amount of pain. I remember thinking last night after I was woken up in side-splitting agony that this is just not worth it. Although, in saying that I did wake up this morning at 64.6kg. So... they kinda did work and now I have managed to break the plateau. But as we all know with laxies, it's just cleaning out your system, so I'm not convinced that it can be regarded as a real weight loss. My feeling is that I will wake up tomorrow morning at be back to my original plateau weight. 

Today was an okay-ish day - I've had about 900 cals consisting of special k cracker crisps (95), monster (10), sushi (320), coffee and tea (150), a potato cake (213) and two weight watchers biscuits (88) - I'm rounding up just in case. Tomorrow we shall see what the result it. 

Fingers crossed it isn't a gain... 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Body Vs. Willpower

I am literally so frustrated, I don't know what to do. I don't know what the fuck I can do to break this plateau. This morning 65.2kg. My weight hasn't moved. It hasn't moved in two and a half weeks. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I can't handle this. My belly is fat and disgusting. I'm restricting, I'm not cheating. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and nothing is working. Legit, my belly looks like I'm pregnant. It's all bloated and distended. Maybe I have a stomach tumor. That's a terrible thing to say. I just don't understand. WHY is my body doing this to me?? I'm not starving myself. It's got more than enough calories to work properly. I'm so frustrated. Jillian Michaels says that a plateau usually lasts about three weeks - but what the fuck? Mine has almost been three weeks and nothing. And then she said vary your calories, but I couldn't bear to increase them anymore than they currently are, because if I'm not losing on an average of 800 cals, then I'll fucking gain if I eat anymore. I'm just so frustrated. I just took a laxie. Hopefully, I won't be doubled over in pain again later. 

Today I had a bag of special k crisps (95), two coke lights and a sugar free redbull, a pasta salad for lunch (396 - I misread the label, I read the cals per 100g which was half the salad so I only noticed after I'd eaten it that it was big time fat food - rookie error), tea/coffee (100 about) and a 'potato cake' (213) - so rougly 810 - 830 for the day.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that this fat, disgusting Piggy will stop being this disgusting. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to cut again. I can't do this much longer, my mental state can't handle it. 

Frustration & Anger
Xo Xo