Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Self Love Day 4

So self-love day 4... it hasn't exactly been difficult, but there have been moments where I'm like - I wanna go out on Friday or I don't want to go to yoga (cuz seriously my body hurts from doing it three days in a row and - I'll get to that in a sec), but then I've had to remind myself that if I can't give myself one week of self love, then there is a serious issue of self worth. I accept this is a seriously extreme way of looking at it, but I said one week of nutritious living (spiritually and physically), so I need to stick it out. 

Yesterday, when I was making dinner I did feel really powerful and nourished. I had vinyasa flow yesterday which always kicks my ass. Not least of which cuz I'm totally lost about 20 minutes into the class. Everyone is, it's not just me. The sequences are not what I'm used to and it's really hectic on upper body strength, which I have not. Which is also why I try to go to her class regularly. I'm aiming for six days of yoga this week, which is a lot for me. It's double what I normally do. 

Anyway, the other reason why is because I'm making time to make real food for myself - for lunch and dinner anyway, I don't eat breakfast. I did have a total headache yesterday, but I suspect that's sugar withdrawal. I've really been eating like crap the last weeks. To give you an indication of how bad it was - in the last four days I've lost almost 3kgs (6lbs) of what I suspect to water weight, because I haven't been hectically restricting (like 1000 cals a day net). 

I realise that restricting is not necessarily in line with self love, but neither is feeling like shit about what I look like. I just need to be back in my normal range of 62 - 64kg which I am not. Although not far off. 

I'm also absolutely terrified that my tinder date tomorrow is going to be grossed out with my because I'm a few kgs heavier than some of my pics - can they notice a couple kgs?! It'll be fine. I'll wear something baggy, but fabulous. 

I hate the word fabulous. 

How's everyone doing? Self lovin' hard I hope! 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo 

Monday, March 27, 2017

A Week Of Self Love

Following the breakdown of my relationship with Chris and the subsequent weekend of crying that followed (note: by Saturday afternoon, my eyes were so swollen that crying actually hurt), I also ate like a crapload of... well, crap. And I feel absolutely fucking awful for it. 

So starting yesterday, I've decided to give myself a week of self love. I've decided to go to yoga five/six times this week, to eat clean and give myself some pampering. 

Yesterday, I went to yoga and my muscles are so incredibly tight. So I figure a week of it will do me some good. I also ate clean, did my nails and washed some clothes. 

This morning, I woke up early to do a facemask and some hot lemon water. I've made a wonderful buckwheat salad for lunch and some lovely tomato based something for dinner. I have yoga after work, but my one other goal for today is to sweep my flat and change my bed linen (I hate doing both of these things so damn much). 

The latter two goals might have to wait till tomorrow, because I have to also do Dirty Girl work when I get home. 

So yeah, just cuz he doesn't want me doesn't mean I'm not worth some love and even if it's just me and the cats, I'm gonna get it from somewhere. 

Also, hallelujah for tinder, I've got a date on Thursday. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right? Like 100% this isn't ever going to be a serious thing, but he's super complementary and sweet - he's Spanish and for anyone who knows Madrid boys, they're a certain kind of way which is lovely, but not my cup o' tea really. Which is a shame, because he's like 6'3'' and has hair like one of the characters from the Road to El Dorado. But as I say, it'll just be one date and then he'll have to be ghosted. 

Oh but also, part of the self love is no alcohol for the next few weeks till I go to Belgium (which is over Easter). 

Thanks to everyone here who has been here when the dirtbag boyfriends disappear. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Saturday, March 25, 2017

And She Sobbed And Sobbed And Sobbed

Chris and I broke up. For real this time - I have blocked him on everything and there is no way for him to reach me even if he wanted to. I also deleted my number and as silly as this sounds, I deleted out whatsapp chat - which is literally the entire history of our relationship. It's how we've communicated all these months. 

Last night I then went out and got drunk with that Italian guy that I was seeing last summer with the sole intention of sleeping with him. I couldn't go through with it, mostly because I got my period and I could have gone through with it, but I didn't want to. 

Then I got home and drank more port. And then I started crying. And boy, did I cry. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. I kept looking at the spot on my bed where he looked so perfect lying there. The realisation dawned on me that I will never see him again, I will never speak to him again. He is gone. He is not part of my life anymore and unlike the times before this, I know it's true this time. 

I will never smell him again (he smelled so damn good), so hold his hand or play with his hair. He is gone now. The only thing I have left are a few pics, which I've been weirdly looking at although I don't know if I feel connected to anymore, a few sex toys that he bought for us and a bunch of flowers which will die in a few weeks. He bought them for me on Sunday when he was came here. That will be the last time I ever see him. 

Today, I woke up and my eyes were still puffy. My eyes are still puffy. But I feel better - I feel like I've accepted it. I've accepted it and feel like I've got it out of my system. It's over now and I am okay with it. 

As that annoying song says, now you're just somebody that I used to know. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, March 20, 2017

Anyone Else Getting A Ton Of Weird Traffic?

So I used to always look at my site stats... for the last few months (years), I haven't been looking at them at all. But I just checked them in now and in December they almost tripled and the last couple months since then, they have also been exceptionally high. Has anyone else got a ton of this weird traffic? 

Firstly, there is a proana site that refers - this blog is not pro-ana. So for anyone reading this thinking it is, it's not. This world is fucked up. This blog is my safespace. Don't be a dick. 

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

And Then I Turned 30

So the last few weeks have been really intense to say the least. Everything to do with my visa and my birthday, and a ton of work. 

Here's the abridged version: 
- One of our major events ran in late February, it was not a success. The consequence of this at work has been overwhelming to deal with - when something is just so broken, where does one even begin to start fixing? 
- I went to New York for a meeting and this was mostly fun, but completely overshadowed by the whole visa situation which was a complete sap of my positive energy. 
- We had judging of the media awards which I oversee - this was absolutely amazing, but again - coordinating this amount of very senior people is a challenge and then some. 
- My eating has been out of control, mostly because of the stress I think. I've vowed to myself to stop this fuckery and eat better. Feed myself more. My weight is up, but not completely out of control. I'll be happier minus 5kgs. 
- I turned 30. On Saturday. For those who have been with me from the very beginning (2011), isn't it wild? I mean... I remember when Sam Lupin was but 15 years old. Not that there are many people left on here anyway, but I do really feel a sense of loyalty - like I can't just be one of the many who have disappeared into the ether. I suspect however, my time on this blog is coming to an end. 
- Dirty Girl is still going although I'm not sure how much progress is measurable. Now that the visa situation is resolved, I feel I can get back to this in a real way. 
- Chris and I are still together. I can't really say much more about this, mostly because there isn't much to say. We still fight, we make up, he's wonderful. I love the way he smells. 
- I am now officially a permanent resident of the United Kingdom and I never have to go back to South Africa. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. All of this bullshit is entirely worth it. 
And that's more or less it. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo