Saturday, December 24, 2011

What to say...

I am starting the moving process today. Last night was my last night with him in our home. Tonight onwards, I am housesitting at my mothers house while they are away, then I am going to move into my new place. GOD. I can't believe this day is here. I am anxious as fuck. GOD GOD. FUCK FUCK. Feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, or cry, or scream. I keep wishing that he'd ask me to stay, not that I would, but just that I would know that this isn't over. I mean today. It's over. IT IS OVER. Fuck I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to leave, just a couple more hours then it's all over. It hurts. Like a mutha fucker - it hurts.

I also hate christmas and am boycotting it this year. I am working straight through and hopefully this time tomorrow I can forget all about it. I HATE CHRISTMAS!

I wish I could die. God, that's all I want.

Anyway, yesterday I ate like a pig. I had four brownies, a cheese sandwich and some rice with dinner. FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!! Those brownies alone were like a million calories. And there was mayonaise on the sandwich. And it was egg-fried rice. FUCK FUCK. Anyway. I weighed in at 59.5kg. So at least I lost a little bit.

Sigh. *panic attack*

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Zoloft FTL

I have decided to take my 'happy pill' - as it has been dubbed by my mother in the evenings now, so that I am not brain dead like I have been for the past few days. I know it takes up to two weeks to have any effect, but I swear I feel calmer. But of course, placebo much? WHATEVS, I'm doing okay, so whatever. I just paid the remainder of my deposit for my new place and rent for January. Going to fetch the keys tomorrow and then start the mass exodus of stuff asap. I'm hoping that this zoloft keeps zonking me out until New Years, so I don't have to deal with any of the emotional crap that I know is on it's way. FUCK BALLS.

I ate disgustingly yesterday. I had some grapes, then I had TWO white bread rolls with butter and peanut butter. Then I had a honey latte. But luckily, I worked so there was a fair amount of running around. And when I woke up this morning I was down half an lb. So I was 60.6 this morning. I have had a slice of bread with butter and peanut butter today, but am going to not eat anything else for today. Then hopefully I can be down to 60 flat this morning.

I know what my scale says, but it can't be right. I mean, I look enormous. My stomach is SO fat. I mean it is huge, it looks like I am having my period. That's how bloated I look. It's probably from the lack of water drinking and the disgusting carb binges that are going on. FUCKING AWFUL.

I am so worried about my cat when I move. He is such a dear loving animal and I am ripping him away from his dad and his home and shoving him into a new one. It's not fair on my poor kitten, but what can I do? I refuse to leave him with my ex.

I am going to a festival over new years and I am determined to be in a bikini, but fuck it, I am so sure when people see me in one, they will be like - bitch put some goddamn clothes on. Like a whale.

Thanks for the comments and support. I feel so rundown. I am working from 10am everyday straight through till 11pm. I have an hour now to shower and change clothes, then off to job number two. This shit be HECTIC!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Nothing but Fat

I have nothing to add to the world. This zoloft is kicking my ass from here to Tuesday, all I want to do is sleep. I haven't managed to have one successful restricting day. Falling off the wagon I swear to fuck I never thought I'd let this happen. I am such a disgusting piggy. WHAT THE FUCK PIGGY!? Somehow, I have managed to maintain my weight, so I'm not gaining which is a good thing I think? BUT THIS FUCKING ZOLOFT - all I want is sleep. Like ALL I want. Feels like I could sleep for ten years. So I am going to start taking it in the evening instead of the morning, cuz the doctor said it isn't supposed to make you sleepy. It's not a tranquiliser.

I need it to kick in soon though, because I have to move out in a week and so far the idea is not going down very well with me. Queue panic attacks. GOD I HATE THIS! I just wish it was mid January already, so that all of this can be over. Why oh why. When am I supposed to be better? *cry*

Hopefully, I will have less fat things to share tomorrow. I doubt it.

Shame & Pain
Xo Xo

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fuck B

So first off, I am stoned off my ass right now, so the following will most likely be a combination of outbursts and giggles. My apologies in advance.

I think perhaps I swear too much. I just received a comment from Little Miss Thin <3 - thanks doll :D Anyway, so my mother is worried about my little sister having an eating disorder. She has recently lost about 10lbs, and is going through a rough patch with my whole suicide thing. Which she dealt with by deleting me off BBM and Facebook - I mean, what the fuck!? We haven't said a word to each other since it happened, not even a "hello". We flat out ignore each other, it is really sad. ANYWAY, so mother thinks she's not eating properly. Funny. Twenty minutes before this conversation, I was in the doctors office with her getting anti-anxiety medication and the doctor asked me flat out if I had an eating disorder, I was like... "uhhhhh.... *LONG PAUSE*... I have eating issues." So when we were in the car, she said "I don't need another child with an eating disorder." And I am like starting to get a bit uncomfortable and having to try really hard to not scream out loud "FUCK!!!!" I don't want her to know about it, she will never leave me alone. She already talks about my 'condition' (i.e. my alleged borderline personality disorder) in every damn conversation. And you know, it sucks - but it is really cool how much she's into it. Like - she is trying so hard to understand, and while her and I will never get along. It really does show she cares. Which is rad. Good mom vibes.

ANYWAY, so about my sisters possible eating disorder. I was like "FUCK FUCK I need to lose 4 now." No fucken way can she be the skinniest sister. FUCK THAT!! So I think after like a week of binge eating, I finally found some motivation. And she is shorter than me, so she will look smaller. Sonuvabitch! I realise this is probably not the appropriate reaction. I mean, I am concerned, but I don't think I need worry honestly. This sister is just not that kind of person... I dunno. Anyway. NOT important.

I went out on Saturday night and got bought drinks the entire evening. But obviously I can't drink so I threw them away. Whoops. It was nice feeling pretty. But I pretty much just wanted to go cuddle with my ex instead. My best friend is getting rather large. She is crossing over into the higher BMI's. But she refuses to dress differently and wears really tiny clothing that is just not looking good. I don't know if I should say something. Like, if she thinks she is dead sexy and confident and shit, I don't want to ruin it by telling her she is a bit... hippo-esk. God, I am a horrible person. SERIOUSLY, I know I sound like such a bitch. I am aware. FUCK FUCK. Bunnies, I love bunnies.

Anyway, I think I best just leave this here for now. The stuff is called purple haze - and let me tell you. IT. IS. AWESOME. Much love to all me ladies, I have been reading dear petals, but I am failing so miserably at not being a ginormous elephant pig that I find it difficult to motivate. :( But I am reading.

Peace & Bubbles
Xo Xo

Friday, December 16, 2011

My scale must be fucked.

Yesterday was a good day until about 1am. I managed to have a cup of coffee with fat free milk, an skinny iced coffee, a honey latte (okay I know this isn't great) and about half a mango. I was also running around yesterday for work, so all in all it was good. I mean, running up and down streets dropping things off, up and down the restaurant. Then I got home with the ex, brought him this tandoori style chicken thing with a garlic nan which we ate together. Then god... I'm so embarrassed. Then I ate a whole bowl of basil pesto pasta. :( FUCK! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like now that I have reached my first goal weight, all my willpower is gone. FUCK it's horrible. I don't know what to do about it as well. *cry*

On another note, in the restaurant last night we had Francois Piennar (my US followers may have heard of him, in the movie INVICTUS - Matt Damon played him - not quite as hot though. Matt Damon - a weakness of mine.) - who is the 1995 World Cup Winning SA Rugby Captain. And also had James Horwill - who is the current Australian rugby captain. WHO IS HAWT! So hot. I made sure to prance past their table a few times, I'm sure he gave me a look or two. Arrogant much? *cry* I got a compliment from my manager who is kind of cute, who said I am prettier than the hostess in our upstairs restaurant. WHO I think is absolutely gorgeous. Funny thing is, I don't believe them for a second. I know, objectively I am not ugly - but then I think - my eyes are too small, my nose is a little bumpy, my cheeks are SO fat, my head is just too big. I guess it's the same thing when us ED folk look in the mirror. I know I'm not "fat" but when I look in the mirror, it is ALL I SEE. Jiggle. My fat flabby stomach, my fat ass, my huge bingo wings, fatty inner thighs, back fat, double chin. Gross. I can't see my ribs unless I stretch, I can't see my hips unless I'm lying down. I have a fat ugly pooch. SUCH a fat stomach.

My ex said to me today - "you definitely have a very bad eating disorder" - I laughed. I don't even think he knows what a mutha fucken eating disorder is. He has NO idea. I thought of some of the girls I read about - that consistently eat 100 cals per day, or that throw up everything they eat. I am not bad at all. ANYWAY, the topic of my post. SO despite the fact that I am eating like a fat disgusting pig, the scale told me I weighed 59.7kg/131.6lbs this morning. Which is a bullshit lie. I don't even know how that is possible. I mean fuck it, really. I look so enormous. *sigh* SO I'm going to my mom later tonight, I'll weigh myself there. She has a scale. I am at least 62kg. That is the true number I am sure.

Tomorrow is my graduation day. I fetched my gown this morning. So in honour of it, I am going to fruit fast today. I have had some grapes and a mango. Yum yum, I have decided that the reason I love fruit fasts so much is because, you eat throughout the day - ED dream and the calories are low-ish. And it helps your system to... er... work. So the fruit doesn't sit and rot in your stomach for weeks like with normal fasting. Anyway, so it's my new thing. Also, now that I am down to 60 (allegedly), I don't feel like I need to drop super fast - I mean 1lb a week without the yo yo would be nice. HAHAHA WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING!? I don't give a crap about healthy weight loss. I want to be 56 NOW GODDAMN! NOW! I feel like I definitely can be by New Years Eve. If I am, then I am partying in a bikini and never taking it off.

I should make quite a bit of money by the middle of January with all the working at this restaurant I will be doing between now and then. So I plan to buy lots of new clothes, a hair cut and a new tattoo on my thigh. I have changed my mind about what I want it to say, instead of the memento mori idea, I am going to have a latin translation of live without fear. Because, that is my new years resolution for 2012. I am conquering fears. I am so sick and tired of being scared of everything. SO this must be done.

Anyway, wish me luck for grad? Maybe I'll be in the (alleged) 58's by tomorrow morning. Must however stay hydrated.

Fat & Thin
Xo Xo

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Right, so firstly I have been binging for two days. Tomorrow this ends. I have totally let myself go. DISGUSTING! So the plan is to lose this nasty kg that has crept up this week and then I know that I said I would post pics when I got to 60 which has been like two weeks now, so I promise to post pics as soon as I get back to 60. Tomorrow I shall fruit fast. OMG I talk about fruit fasting so much.

I am so tired. Worked from 7am till about half an hour ago - that's 14 hours bitches. FUCK! I am so tired. I am also still sexing the ex and now it's getting cute again, but I know it's not real. It hurts so bad. :( On the plus side, I think that once I move out it will all be okay with me. I will find someone new and move on. I can't let this boy define my life.

I have very little to report back on. I will post tomorrow - a better more coherent post. I'm just so tired. Fat Piggy OUT!

Fatigue & Loneliness
Xo Xo

Monday, December 12, 2011

Big Fat Piggy

I woke up this morning at 59.2. FUCK YEAH! But then, as always I binged today like a mutha fucker. I had a mini meltdown yesterday with the ex about all the shit that has been happening. He made it very clear that he doesn't care about me at all and that all he wants is for me to move out. But then he said later that he was only angry and didn't mean it. Then today, it's back to the sexing and cutesy cuddly crap. I am so over his little games and all of this shit. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am starting to get so sick of this shit and am seeing that he isn't the stable amazing guy that I knew, he is just as crazy as I am. The only difference is that I know that I am crazy. Like - what. the. fuck. Anyway, so I am still moving in three weeks. Got a nice email from the guy this morning inviting me round for dinner to meet the other boys.

I bet I am going to weigh at least 62 tomorrow. Guess what? Tomorrow is the start of another fruit fast. It is graduation on Saturday and I can't look fat. One of my best ladies is coming over tomorrow and we are going to do mani pedis and talk about all things grad. I CANNOT WAIT!

I booked a ticket to go to a festival over new years, which I am so excited about. The hot friend of my ex, with whom I cheated (YES, I KNOW!?) is going to be at the same festival. Maybe a perfect way of getting over him. I am so sick of being so needy and insecure. I NEED TO FUCKING GET OVER IT! I hate that all I want to do is replace one boy with another - WON'T SOMEONE LOVE ME!? I hate that all I do is sit and obsess about how I can make myself better so that he will love me. I mean, on paper I am the best he will ever do. I am tall and pretty, "thin", smart, ambitious. Fuck, I am amazing on paper. (I really am not this arrogant, but it is not beyond me to see why I am objectively a "catch") But why am I so fucked up. My credentials get the boys interested, then I crazy out and scare them away. This borderline shit is killing me.

OH and so last night, after my freak out - I started drinking. Which I was specifically told by two of my doctors to NOT do, because of the liver damage issue resulting from the overdose. So I drank a bottle of wine, pissed off my ass and got so upset that I started doing crazy shit. Like walking around the streets, climbing trees and announcing to my ex "I am going to cut myself now" before marching upstairs and giving myself five cute little cuts on my stomach. FUCK SAKES!

A whole bunch of crazy for this fat piggy. *SIGH* GRADUATION GRADUATION GRADUATION!

Love & Crazy
Xo Xo

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Just. Fuck.

I started writing about the fucked up evening that happened with the ex last night. But I don't have the energy to rehash what happened yesterday. *sigh* Anyway, suffice to say that I think one of two things is going to happen today - either we are going to decide that this is ALL over. No more. Or we will try work it out. Personally, and I know this is fucking stupid with everything that has happened, I want it to work. I love him with all my heart. But obviously, that isn't necessarily enough.

Yesterday I had an apple, two litchies, two plums, a handful of crisps and a veggie spring roll. I had planned a fruit fast but alas, that did not work out. But then fate intervened, because I wanted to eat yesterday, no doubt about that. But then my ex, who works at the same restaurant walked past me while I was eating the spring roll like a fat little pig and said something about all the fat on my hips. Well. Fuck him. So I decided to not eat anymore which I didn't. And lo and behold I was rewarded this morning when I stepped on the scale I weighed 59.6kg. Which means I am 4lbs down from yesterday - food weight - must've been. And that is just fantastic. Also means my BMI is now 18.8. Can I get a FUCK YEAH!?

Today I am going to fruit fast again. Although, I had a cup of tea with milk. I just needed it. But I think I can hit the fruit decently, cuz I bought a whole bunch including loads of mangoes. Anyway. *sigh* I feel so despondent. I don't know why. *SIGH*

I will post again a bit later maybe when I feel a bit inspired. *sigh* Cheers to the freakin' weekend!

Strength & Love
Xo Xo

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Cycles of Starving

I was wondering you know, about how it is that you are motivated for a while and then you lose it and fatten up. Then reading some of the other blogs (I FINALLY GOT A CHANCE TO CATCH UP - FUCK YEAH!) and I noticed that everyone is in a similar cycle at the moment. What do I mean? The last week has been a 'I reached my GW1 and now I can eat a little more' funk - then I looked in the mirror and my god, I have put on like 4lbs in this last week and I LOOK LIKE DUMBOS BIG SISTER FATPIGLEPHANT! Anyway. But I know that I have done this before. Where you get down to a nice weight *starve starve starve starve* and then you let it go for a while, fatten up, pig out, stretch those piggy thighs and then get a shock when you see yourself or weigh yourself and you are a fat fucking disgusting pig - then the cycle starts again. You gain motivation. Start the three day fasts, fruit fasts, soup diets, juice fasts, ABC, SGD, water fast, 500-cal restrictions. You know what I mean?

That's where I am today. I got my period yesterday - so obviously, I look like a blue whale. So today, I am either going to 500 cal it, or I am going to fruit fast - coffee and diet coke fast. Maybe. Either way. If I don't lose by tomorrow, then I am going to fast tomorrow. Actually, I think I am feeling a fruit fast. I really enjoyed it last time. I am so fat. :(

SO, a couple of things. I am so terrible at responding to comments, it is fucking disgusting. I am 24. Also, if you want to BBM me, email me your pin, or leave yours, I dunno. I am keen. :) I really enjoy talking to my George on BBM, so I am assuming everyone is just that awesome. Life has been so hectic and busy lately that I haven't had a chance to get back to emails from people and I am so sorry if I haven't. Also I am finding it hard to keep up with the blogs of my new followers. I haven't even looked at most of the new profiles. So please, if your blog is awesome and inspirational and amazing - as all my followers are :D then leave a comment and I shall check it out.

People are at me about my weight. My ex said I look like a heroine addict. People are saying I am TOO thin. OH yes, which brings me to my next point. I always think that once my BMI hits 18.5 then I will be skinny looking. I didn't account for the lbs leading up to that, that maybe I already look skinny. Which you know, fuck it, I don't think I do. My mother told me that I look shocking, my best friends are at me about it - although the one is just worried that my 'bulimia' will become dangerous and the other I am sure is just really jealous that I am thinner than her for once. Suck it up and starve bitch. I love her - so this isn't meant in a bad way. But if you are jealous, then put down that fucking cheese sandwich for god sakes.

Enough ranting from me for today I think.

Love & Skinny
Xo Xo

Friday, December 9, 2011

And that's that

There was sex last night also. It was awesome. But today I payed the deposit on my new place, and that - it would seem - is that. I am a little sad that he didn't ask me to stay. I'm sad that he doesn't want me here. I don't understand what the past two days have been about. But it is over. And that is that. I am also now broke for the rest of the month. Fuck fuck. And as soon as I get my next salary - that will also go to the rest of my deposit and rent. Fuck fuck.

Weight is unstable. I haven't been trying. I am going to start a fruit fast tomorrow. Will just start with tomorrow and Sunday. Will see after Sunday how I feel and possibly do a raw three days. Or something.

I'm really happy because I am moving out and moving on. But I am also really sad. :(

Happiness & Despair
Xo Xo

Thursday, December 8, 2011

When the Shit hits the Fan

... Which is exactly what happened yesterday.

Firstly, my weight has been stable on 60kg for the last two days. Everyone is giving me shit about it, so I am going to be stable this week and hopefully lose like crazy next week. :)

Then. OH MY GOD. Okay so the thing that happened that I couldn't talk about was that I cheated on the ex with his friend. I was going to tell him the next day, but in some kind of divine intervention I got a guilt laiden phone call from the friend begging me not to because although our relationship was over, their friendship blah blah blah. Okay, not my finest hour. But I was so drunk, although not an excuse. Anyway, so he found out about this. And he screamed at me for about half an hour - the nastiest most horrible half hour of my life. I can't even... Anyway. Then he stopped gave me a hug and told me that even though he was mad he still loves me. That he isn't "okay" with the breakup and he just has to keep it together - I'm not sure I believe this.

He started saying things like I understand how when you have a long break up, one of the people always come crawling back... I'm not sure what he was saying with this, but I am assuming it meant he was considering getting back together before he found out... Which, I don't think I would. He said he was a shit boyfriend (NO!?) and then started saying that he has so much mixed emotion, he just wants to kiss me. Then we had sex. I know I am not the kind of person to share these kinds of details, especially on my blog. But it is germane to the story. Then fell asleep cuddling like we used to. And woke up and had sex again. Everything is better than fine. He's chatty and responsive. Just so awesome. Right, so now that I have told the events of the evening. Queue freak out.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??? How can he not be mad with me? Fuck sakes, I cheated on him, with his best fucking friend and he is totally fine with it. He is acting as if we are all fine and friends and being intimate. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? Can someone please call me a doctor so he can have his mutha fucken head checked because he is supposed to hate me. NOT be wanting me more!? WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?

In other news, I found somewhere to live for myself and my baby kitten. It is in a house with four guys (I'm like Wendy from Peter Pan). It is a tiny little bedroom with no space, but they seem like cool guys and I found out yesterday that I got the place. Epic.

I still haven't had a chance to catch up on blogs. Things are a bit hectic with hospital, work, the ex, moving and graduation. Should hear about Masters soon and hopefully some funding too. I need to be a Judge in twenty years. Gotta get on that shit. Everyone is commenting on my weight. My friends mom called me Skin and Bones (DIE OF HAPPINESS). I LOVE IT! But 4 more kgs. Just 4.

Confusion & Optimism
Xo Xo

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


So in a surprising turn of events, I got discharged yesterday. The doctor came round and said my INR was 1.1. Where normal is 1. And that I'd been on the rat poison for over a week and they generally only put you on for a week, so I need to go back tomorrow for a blood test and then it looks like I shall be fine. More over which, I can drink again in a month or two. So ya, fucking happy penguin dance much!?

Then to continue the good news, I got home and weighed in at 60.3kg/133lbs. MIRACULOUS! I tell you, MIRACULOUS! THEN I had dinner last night, which was the only thing I ate all day. A bunch of mexican style fries with tomato sauce (craving tomato sauce like a preggers biatch), two chilli poppers and a few nachos. Then a few bites of ice cream even! My blood pressure was really low yesterday morning. So, that's my excuse, not that there is actually an excuse. But anyway. SO this morning I woke up and weighed - get this - 59.9/132. HOLY SHIT BALLS YOU SAY!? You are right. Fuck it. That is my original goal weight. GW1!! Only another 4kgs till my UGW. Although the shrink tells me that this is a moving goal post for a bulimic. WHATEVER. Whoop. So my BMI is 18.9 FUCK YEAH! :D :D

The boy and I fought all of yesterday yet somehow ended up cuddling during the night. Old habits. I want to stab him in the temple. BUT obviously, I'm not an axe murderer so I won't. Looking for a new place to live which is exciting. I think I am going to move into a sharehouse with some students or something. Sounds like the best idea for me and then my kitten won't be lonely when he leaves his dad. Which is another source of guilt all on it's own. But he is my fucking cat. I can't wait to move on and close this chapter of my life. I am so scared of being alone. What if I don't find someone as awesome as him ever again!? But saying that, anything is better than this.

Welcome to my new followers, you've missed quite a bit up to this point, but hopefully this will make for some interesting readings. My goal for the holidays is to not fall into my usual self destructive pattern of messiness. No sleeping around, no crazy all night benders for whole weekends. Find a nice boy. Don't fall for his lies. Make sure my kitten is looked after, lose 4 more kgs to be at UGW! Woot. It's funny though, because I still look fat. I'm not sure where the weight is going, but maybe the scale is lying.

Thanks for all the comments and support. Can't wait to catch up on the blogesphere later!

Love & Misery
Xo Xo

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Makes Me Cry

Still in hospital. Fuck fuck fuck. I just want to go home. I hate this place. The ward I'm in may as well be an old age home because the other five women are almost dead. Its disgusting. Well... Okay they can't help it they are old but it definitely confirms my fear of getting to that age. They are like fucking dinosaurs stuck in a tar pit. All they do is eat, moan and shit their beds. It is DISGUSTING. My liver is slowly recovering. My ALT levels are down to about 1000 - which is good considering what they were a few days ago. I am still getting routinely pumped full of rat poison (parvolex for Judith) which is supposedly helping. Well I mean it is helping since my liver is still functioning and I'm not dead yet. I am hoping to be out of here by Wednesday, but I suspect this may be wishful thinking. I am also getting SO fat. I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I started crying and grabbing. Why are you SO fucking fat you little fat piggy!! I wish I had a scale. I want to ask the ex to bring mine here but they are already watching me like a hawk. Fuck fuck. So I'm fruit fasting today. I know I should be eating to recover but I am planning on eating a lot of fruit. But god I can't be fat at graduation on the 17th. I mean. I won't be able to retake those pictures and I will not look like an obese whale!! Fuck it Piggy - get it together. The boy is still being ambiguous. He was here last night and for once he was my only visitor. And he brought pizza and hopped in my bed and we cuddled. Which felt so good but its not real. I won't let him break my heart twice. No ways, I may be a fat piggy but I am not a stupid piggy. And he was kissing my hair and when he left my pillow smelt like him which also made me cry. :( But he won't do this to me again. Whenever I talk about moving out he keeps repeating - let's just take it one day at a time. He doesn't get to do this to me twice. He doesn't. He doesn't. He fucking doesn't. Shit piss fuck cunt. He fucking does not get to do this to me twice. I want someone to be proud of me. I want someone who is excited to see me. I want someone who is like he and I were in the beginning and he will never be that. Strong strong strong! He wants to go to medical school which I think is fantastic. All I can think is how much I want to be his wife. A doctor and a judge. It would be perfect. No piggy. No no no. They said I probably won't be able to have children after this episode because liver damage makes pregnancy very unsafe. Which is awesome by me. Is it weird that I'm excited by infertility? Hahaha. Anyway. Thank you for all the wonderful words of support and wisdom that have come from all you lovely beautiful flowers. Sometimes I think you're the only real friends that I have. I can't tell anyone else all of this without lectures and judgment and awkward questions. Welcome to my new followers, sorry you had to join to a suicidal piggy. Promise it won't happen again though. I can't wait to catch up with everyone. I can't really remember the comments I need to respond to and I'm on my blackberry so its a bit difficult to see them. I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME! If there is anything though you of course can email me - the address is on the left sidebar. Well the only sidebar. Respect & Love Xo Xo

Friday, December 2, 2011

"Good" News

It looks like I'm not going to die. Which is good, right? Ahh fuck. Man. I'm still going to be here for another week at least. Okay so normal ALT levels are 0 - 40. On tuesday mine was 300. Then on Wednesday instead of dropping they went up to 4900. Then yesterday they dropped to 4300. Which is apparently good news. So now they are pumping me full of this rat poison drug, but its good as far as I know because I guess anything is better than a fucking transplant. But yes, let's hope that more than a third of my liver survives, because then I'm toast. The boy came to visit yesterday. He brings lunch for two and we eat. I'm slowly coming to terms with us being over. Which is nice of course. But then yesterday he came here and was touching my leg and making inappropriate eye contact. He also did this thing that we used to do when we were still... (in love/happy/together) where we would look at each other and blink but keep eyes closed for a second or two. It was an "I love you" thing. He did that yesterday. Not. Cool. *cries* I don't need more confusion. I want him to mean it. But he doesn't. So today we are going to have an awkward conversation. I'm so sick of being here. I can feel myself get fatter and fatter. Gonna be like 70 when I get out of here. Fuck fuck fuck!! :( :( Then its graduation so I'm going to have to fast as soon as I get out. I'll do the fruit fast again for my liver :) :) I am also really fucking bored. I wish I had internet. God - no more fucking overdoses. This is bullshit. Two weeks in hospital and a damaged liver. Goddammit. Thanks for the comments and support lovely petals. It means so much to me! Peace & Hope Xo Xo

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Fuckety Fuck

Not great news I'm afraid, my liver isn't responding to the medication they use to stop the paracetemol from binge-fest 2011 on my liver so if my enzymes (ALT - for Judith) don't come down in the next 36 hours I will go into acute liver failure and need a transplant... Or die. I'm doing okay though despite this news, I'm not sure if its because I think I will be fine or because I genuinely think I can handle it. All I know is that I need to be fighting fit for graduation on the 17th. I probably won't be able to drink ever again. But again, this is the choice I've made. I was soooo sick yesterday - super nauseous and light headed. Had a crazy fever too. My temperature was yo-yoing between 35 and 37C the whole day. I forced myself to eat half a sandwich and a nectarine... Oh and a grape. Still feel like I'm putting on muchos weight. I'm just worried that if my liver gets fuck fucked up then my metabolism won't work and I will get fat no matter how much I starve. Today I feel good though - not feverish and I actually feel hungry. Which is fantastic. So I'm thinking that this must be a good sign and hopefully my blood tests agree with me. I really don't want a transplant if I can help it. I made the boy cry. The ex-boy. He says he is angry and feels like a coward. Despite all of this I still wish he'd love me. I need perspective. Tonight is Dead Mau5 in Cape Town. I wish I could go. :( I would totally lose my tits! Wow. So bleak. I don't blame anyone for this because I hurt myself like this, I took the pills - but he made me feel this way. He drove me to it. But that is unfair to say. Unfair to put on him. I don't know how to explain. Its like it is his fault, but not. But I can't blame him because no one needs the guilt of having to know that they drove someone to such lengths. Thank you for all the amazing support. I'm expecting a full diagnostic report from Judith Marie and another love letter from my George. :) I can't wait to get out so I can start catching up with everyone else. Feel like I haven't spoken to my friends in ages. Love & Liver Xo Xo