Friday, October 30, 2015

Halloween Anxiety

Tomorrow is going to mine and Colbey's first outing since we started hanging out - now please note: We are not dating. We are not seeing each other. We are not a couple. But like... urgggggh. So we are going to watch the rugby world cup final (NZ vs AU - he is Australian...) and his friend Nath is coming with. Now... My friend Monika is coming with and her and Nath have kinda been... sold on each other for a hook up - you know what I mean, when one tries to play cupid? Well yeah so basically, that is the situation. Now, I'm absolutely shitting it for a number of reasons:
  1. It will be couply, I don't want couply - COUPLY MAKES ME WANT TO CLIMB UNDER A TABLE AND DIE!
  2. What if Monika and Nath do end up hooking up... Does that make Colbey and I the old married couple of the vibe?? Again, you know what I mean. 
  3. What if Colbey goes off and finds another girl to hit on. Not only will I be dying of embarrassment and shame, because obviously I'm fat as shit at the moment and therefore entirely unattractive (my chins have chins) and obviously there will be younger, prettier and certainly skinnier and sluttier than me - HOW DO I REACT? Do I play it cool like I don't care and then stop speaking to him or go psycho? Like - it's just not a situation I want to be in. 
  4. Colbey and Nath are 100% not going to be dressing up. And Monika and I are definitely dressing up. It's gonna be weird. I don't want to look weird. I just want him to think I'm hot and cool. 
  5. What if I go Keran-mode drunk - what if he goes Colbey-mode drunk? What if we just do mesh together when we are both on form. 
Jesus. It's too much for me. I wish I hadn't invited him. I just want to nap. 

Calories today are roughly 500. No loss, because I fucked up yesterday, got stoned and ate Chinese. I'm hoping for something decent tomorrow. 

Le Sigh & Le Moan
Xo Xo

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Herbalife & Colbey

Firstly, my shameful disgusting weight - 74.6kg. Yep - that is how far I've backslid. But plan - I'm going to do herbalife shakes twice a day for two weeks and hopefully shed five of those. That will be 600 cals more or less per day for two week. God, one can only hope. I reckon getting down to 70 will be relatively easy-ish and from there. I don't know how this happened... no, I mean I know exactly how this happened, but like. Ja. Fuck it. 

In other news - Colbey, the Australian. He is dumb and cute, but I really him. He came over yesterday and like.. he's just so cute. But like 29 year old man child. Probably a worse drunk than myself. Sadly, I have found the Australian equivalent of Waldo - Lilypad. The South African beautiful blonde boy... Not even remotely joking. 

Today, plan is for a 600 cal day. Had a shake and two soy lattes (that's already 500, so maybe a bit more). Anyway, WURQ! 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, October 22, 2015

A Cluster Fuck

Which is a reference to my 'love life' - my life - my life which involves romance men. So first let me talk about Colbey - the Australian. We met up last week Monday and I'm really smitten, but then I saw him two days ago and I realised that he is pretty and dumb. As in, he is not as smart as I am and that makes me sad. He's not smart at all. He has no interest in the things I'm interested in and despite the fact that he's got a masters degree and is a reasonably awesome physiotherapist, he is kinda dumb as rocks. But he's also really into me. And like... he has this emotional sex thing... he got all turned on because I was giving him soft kisses on his nose. *I CAN'T FUCKING EVEN* Anyway, so it makes me wonder if we have it all wrong. Like - do we have to find a man who makes us completely happy or have the middle-aged men with sports cars and trophy wives had it right the whole time. In a world of highflying professionals - should I get a hot, dumb husband and then enjoy my friends and the money that I make. Anyway, so I've decided to try and challenge myself and marry Colbey (am I psycho? It feels like a psycho idea, but like why not?). 

But then it gets more complicated. On Friday, I got well drunk with a friend and ended up shagging him - like BDSM stuff - never done it before, it was weirdly hot. But yeah - WHY DID YOU DO THAT PIGGY??? WHYYYYYYY? 

It gets worse... 

On Saturday, David came round and we shagged too. It was sad stuff and we've been hooking up since then. We know there is no getting back together, but it's ongoing. 

I'm fat. I'm slutty. I'm a pig. 

Cals today: 200 (breakfast), 440 (dinner), 150 (latte), 50 (hot choc) = 840 for the day. 

Stupidity & Shame
Xo Xo

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

A World Of Shit

So besides the fact that I am predictably huge, however committed to getting smaller. Monday was a fast day - today was a good restricter - I am in a shitstorm, because my contract fee hasn't been paid and I am not 11 days late on my rent. So now, my friend is lending me money to cover it and I feel like a fucking bum. A FUCKING BUM! 

Also, I ran into Roy in Cape Town and Nic - the best friend whom I fucked on the couch downstairs while Roy was asleep - did. not. go. well. Anyway, I won't get into that because I am a fuckhead. Needless to say that I shamed myself. Again. Fucking hell Piggy, get it together. 

I also slept with Will - who, readers will recall was the guy that I shagged before I left Cape Town, again in San Diego last year and whom my recent ex, David stayed with while in Cape Town and was friends with. SO, not only did I sleep with Will, I then told David. David called me a fucking psycho, etc. etc. and so on and so forth. Also, that was super fun. So David will never speak to me again. I'm like two steps away from going all Big in Sex and the City - sending him poems on email asking for forgiveness, but then I don't actually want him back, but I miss him as a friend. He was my best friend. Tragic, innit?

And then, as if the drama of my life doesn't suffice, I told you about the hot Australian from SW4 - well I saw him for the first time since and shagged him - very mediocre, BUT he is just the loveliest most amazing, crazy, fun and funny man - I am completely in love. He texted me yesterday afternoon to say how rough he felt, but that he had no regrets. Have not heard from him since lunchtime yesterday. So, my craziness has yet again turned people away from me. Great, Piggy. Just fucking GREAT! So, ladies and gents - I am destined to die alone. 

Other things happened in Cape Town that I am 100% NOT getting into. 

My intake today was a a quarter slice of pizza (150?), a grilled cheese with tomato soup (600?) - so maybe 850 total. I will post a weight tomorrow. I will be skinny. I will have the Australian (whose name is Colbey) not think I'm disgusting even if he thinks I am crazy... 

OH WAIT! I am fucking crazy. 

Peace & Crazy
Xo Xo