I feel depro. My eating has been fine. I'm down 2kgs in days. I don't even feel motivated to get out of bed and put food into my disgusting, gaping, wide-open trap. I'm so over it. The weather is shit. My cats are annoying me. My toes are sore from climbing. I've got blisters on my hands. I've got a sore throat and a migraine.
(Incidentally, I am just bitching. Life isn't that bad, but I just need to be mis.)
And despite my usual Grinchiness, it actually wasn't that bad. Went to a friends house and we just drank tequila for two days straight. It was lovely, but my body is still recovering. The good news is that I haven't really gained any weight (vegan at christmas) and the bad news is that I haven't lost any weight. Siiiiiigh. But I'm still dedicated and I was mostly fine yesterday until I got stoned AGAIN. I've been smoking a LOT lately and I have resolved to stop for a little while. For the next five days I am going to concentrate on losing 2kgs before I start work again on Thursday and I'm going to go climbing. Which is where I'm going now. I'm going back to my 800 cals or less thing. It will all be fine. I'm broke, AGAIN. Christmas was rather expensive and I have to save for my trip home in March, so I'm going to be poor antisocial Piggy till March. Whatevs :).
In other news, I hooked up with this guy last week Friday who owns our local pub in Vauxhall. He is cute, 34... a little weedy if I'm honest. Like skinny, but then I do like skinny men. Same profile as my ex - skinny, thick dark hair, blue eyes, needy and a little bit sad. Like he just came across as so... sad. And lonely. I mean - we didn't do the nasty, we just fooled around (because I'm not like that anymore, go me. GO PIGGY) and he just didn't want me to leave. I was kinda lying on him at one point and I go up, and he pulled me back down and was like 'not yet'. It was sweet. But he owns the building that the pub is in, which is only four stories or something, but the whole thing was totally empty. Super quiet and cold. I dunno, I just really felt like there is a story there that I want to know about. Needless to say, I've been hopelessly smitten and daydreaming about him since then. I don't even really like him, but I like the idea of him being as much as a loner as I am. I dunno, am I being stupid? Nothing will ever happen, because he is sorta an honourary member of our company, because we drink in his pub so much. But I can daydream for now. I also can't tell anyone in my real life that I am kinda smitten over him, because it just doesn't work that way. My life gets more and more reclusive by the day. Un-be-lievable.
Blurg, today, Blurg. I love my job, I hate 90% of the people in the office. I am the weird one. The one that doesn't fit it. It is like highschool all over again. I'm going to give it till the end of my probation and see if they give me a raise and if not, I might leave. I can't feel like this forever. Like a freak. Highschool was awful. I don't want to go back. I had training all day, it is freezing cold, I'm broke. I'm being forced to go out for Christmas at a friends. I just don't want to be alive right now. And on top of all of it, I just want to eat and eat and eat. And I can't. My favourite streaming website has been shut down, so now I don't know which of my series I've caught up on and what I haven't. I've had a coke zero, a diet coke cherry, snack a jacks (88), pom bears (95) and more pesto pasta (about 550). So my total for the day is somewhere around 750. I'd say. I do however plan to have an almond milk hot chocolate (50) before bed, so that will be around 800 for the day. I did manage to lose 0.9kg this morning, so I'm now down to 65.7. Which makes me happy. I'd like to have another loss tomorrow, which let me tell you is the ONLY reason I'm not Piggy-ing out right now. Fuck my life.
Let me start with the weeeeeeee hours of this morning, while I was trying to fall asleep, I was listening to yet another Steve Jobs interview and it made me think about the way that I am going about my life trying to find a purpose - something that I really love and am passionate about. The kind of business person that I want to be. This ties in with my recent trip to Amsterdam where I was having dinner with two colleagues and we were talking about future ambitions and I said that I have always wanted to start a company. And Naomi asked me what kind? Now, being put on the spot, I didn't want to sound like a listless idiot (which again comes back to Steve Jobs who responded to a 'I want to start a business, but I don't know what' question by saying that you need to get a job as a janitor and find something you're passionate about) and so I answered with my gut. I have always wanted to be a writer and indeed, this blog - in ALL it's glory, is one thing that I truly love - so I answered that I want to start a content site and eventually evolve that into something self-sustaining with maximum 3/5 employees. Kinda like upworthy.com. Having given myself an honest answer about what I want to try and achieve as a goal, I was lying in bed thinking about whether I would ever actually get around to doing it. And today, I decided that I'm going to start doing exactly that. Step 1 is learning (or rather relearning) java so that I can programme my own website, because unlike my last business venture, I will not rely on a fucking programmer (who in this case was my dickbag ex, Roy) to fuck me over and quash my hopes. SO I started doing that. Today. My goal is to have this website by the end of 2014. I don't know if that is in any way realistic. But I am actually going to try and do this. The goal is to also get great at java again, so that I can maybe programme websites in my spare time. (And yes, I know this sounds ludicrous, but I have already done 3 years of java, so it's more of a refresher, and goddammit I am smart.) So that's my one win. And the best part of it all is that I have you all as my advisory board. So once I've got some better ideas on the whats and the whys, I expect loads of feedback from my beautiful Piglets. :) I'll be 30 in just over 3 years. I don't have time to fuck about anymore.
This morning I weighed in at 66.6kgs (the number of the beast), so I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a loss. Any loss will do. I have a favour to ask though. I know I might not be interesting and that I mumble and ramble a lot - maybe I don't talk about my ED as much anymore (because I feel like I've figured it out), but for the next six months, I am gonna need some inspiration from time to time. I need to be 58kgs by March. I need to have started a business in a year. I need to be an EPIC rock climber by October (because I've decided that I want to go climbing in the greek islands :) ). Give us the truth. Call me out.
Well, suffice to say that my challenge ended with a big fat goose egg with all the crap I've been eating. Getting high, work functions, boozing. I haven't lost anything. But all is not lost. I'm starting again today. For one month. Goal 6kgs by January 16th. I'm confident that I can do it better this time and if I don't, I'll just keep trying until I do. Thing is, I don't look the way that I did last time I was this size. But, well. I'm still not happy with it.
It was my work Christmas party on Friday. I've realised that even though I love working for that company, I'm not the biggest fan of the people that work there. Mostly because it feels like highschool again and I'm the unpopular one that is weird, controversial and just doesn't fit in. Well, fuck it. Isn't that just the story of my fucking life. Every time. Every single time. On Friday, this guy at work kissed me. I was so fucking hammered, he just pulled me in the middle of the street. BUT WAIT. The kicker is that he just got married. Like JUST got married. And then he went and told Anthony. The guy that I've been turning down since I started working there, but who I quite like as a friend, but absolutely nothing more. Anyway, so they are friends. Now I'm the homewrecking whore, because he can't keep it in his pants. SIGH. Piggy, how do you get yourself into these messes. Every single time. Anyway, that's about the most interesting thing that is happening in my life right now. Sad huh? DON'T CARE! About any of it. I'm actually okay not being friends with those people, it just sucks that it seems my lot in life is to the weird outsider. Some things never change.
Today, I had yet another work function and for it we went to a pizza place. I had three quarters of a thin crust pizza. I estimate based on their website that I had about 800 cals of pizza. SIGH. And then I had a glass of wine. So whilst I am below 1000 for the day, it still sucks. So I am skipping dinner, because at least hopefully I can still lose a bit by tomorrow.
I was thinking today while I was climbing about the things that make me happy. And to my mind - there are three things that fundamentally make me happy. So I thought I'd share these with you all. The first thing is my cats. I mean I don't really need to explain this. Everyone gets this I think. Well. Any cat lover, innit? The second thing is any form of mind altering substance - now don't get me wrong, I don't have any kind of substance dependency problems, but I fucking love it. I love not having to think or concentrate or worry. I can't talk to myself frankly without getting mad or upset. I feel like drugs and booze give me an honest opportunity to look at myself without being emotional. I love drugs. Never found one that I didn't like. Again, not that I have taken much, but I love it. The third thing, which has a number of offshoots is being thin. I loved being thin SO much. Which is why I'm in such a hurry to get back to where I was before. The sad thing that I have now realised is that I have now backslid so far that I am essentially starting all over again. Now, I have mixed feelings about this because obviously I am PISSED with myself for having gone back to a place I swore I never would. But at the same time. I'm kinda excited that I can get back my skinny eating habits. I wanna try to not to fast too much, because I still need to perform at work, but you know. It's 800 cals a day for the foreseeable future. On that note. Today I've had two Linda sausages, asparagus and broccoli (350), two lattes (300), popchips and a monster (102), so total for the day 752. I also went climbing... So. Yeah not a bad day. And now for the shocker. My weight this morning was... 67.5. Gross, huh? But working on it. Working it. :)
I just feel so enormously fat, I can't believe the destruction that I have wrecked on my body. I feel like I'm popping out of my skin and out of my clothes. Like - I just don't fit myself. Like I've blown on my thumb and inflated my whole body. It is awful and I just want to deflate. Disgusting Piggy. I'm going to have to make sure that this never happens again. I just want to run until it melts off me. In the meantime however, I will not eat and fuel myself with willpower and coffee. Disgusting. I am disgusting.
Is just something it would seem we have to deal with in life. Basically what this boils down to is that I ate like a horse in Amsterdam and then was so exhausted that I just stayed in all weekend and ate like a 600lb person, that I am going to finish this challenge very poorly with probably 2kgs lost. However. I swear to fuck I'm going to keep going dudes. Cuz I just want it so bad and surely perserverance is going to win at the end of the day. Even if it takes me 4 month long challenges, I swear I'm going to get down again. I'm stubborn. Whatevs. Today I've had: a soy latte (148), pop chips (88), absolute zero monster (15), two Linda sausages (208), asparagus (50), vegan butter (for the asparagus, I know! 50), blueberries (70) and soy milkshake (158) which is a grand total of (*please excuse my stoned maths*) 787... Or thereabouts. Which is okay. Didn't weigh in this morning, it was too shameful, but will face the music tomorrow.
Also, just remember that the final weigh in is on Sunday. As we can all see I've lost horrifically, but fuck it, owning it!
So I'm in Amsterdam... And I don't have a computer so this is from my phone. Pardon if it sucks a bit. Anyway. So Friday and Saturday were not great days food wise. I must say I'm feeling like a god damn whale, but saying that I do still very committed to getting my weight back down. Today wasn't great either. I managed to not eat till the airport where I had a sugar free vanilla soy latte and pop chips (250), then I had two small glasses of wine, a capered salad with some bread and a small portion of gnocchi. I'm fairly certain that I'm around 1500 for the day. It's terrible and I want to cry. And I know that until I get back to London it's gonna be the same. I'm going to skip meals if I can help it and stick to white wine. This is going to be a boozy trip. I'm so sad. I'm so fat. I miss my cats. Only three days till I'll be home. Sigh. Three days.