Thursday, May 31, 2012

Feel like I've binged, but I haven't.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning after a big carb binge and you have that feeling in your stomach like... you're bloated and greasy feeling. That't how I woke up feeling this morning. After two days of very low intake, I woke up feeling like I binged. Wow, new issues ENTIRELY. So today, it seems as though I am fasting. I have had one cup of coffee and will probably have some peppermint tea a little later. I haven't fasted in absolutely ages, so it could be good. I also have absolutely no work to do, for the first time in ages I am going to chill like a rockstar. I got the cutest oxblood wedge heel ankle booties and they are to DIE for. So pretty. I hope they make my legs look super skinny. You know when girls have super skinny legs with chunky shoes, their feet look too big for them, that's what I want. I am going to take them for a spin a little bit later I think.

Thanks for all the lovely comments on my previous blog. I am absolutely dying without a scale and I remember bitching about this before I came to England, but I can't let my flatmate see my obsessive weighing, so that's why I have been not doing it. But let me tell you. It is SO hard, wondering wondering. Especially after a binge when you just NEED to know how much weight the binge has caused. Damn. It's so fucken weird that I get a lot of comments telling me that I am funny, which is so strange for me, because I don't try to be comic... I guess my brain just works in an amooseing way. I really want moose and food and pizza. I am almost planning a celebratory binge for when I move into my new flat, which is so weird. But I know that everyone has trouble eating in front of other people and most crazy binges happen when there is no one around to notice/judge. Fuckers. I just want carbs so badly. I may start dreaming of food again, although seriously not hungry. Fuggit.

Strength & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What a Fucking Mess

The boy is back... god. I don't even know what to say about this, he is like Schrodingers boyfriend, simultaneously there and not there at the same time. Suffice to say that I love him very much and I know he loves me too, I think he is just very scared. BUT also saying that, I am not letting him hold me back. I can have fun and live my life without hooking up with anyone else and behaving. I know that I make excuses for him too. I know that, but fuck. *lol - Butt Fuck*  Anyway, so there. I am being strong, I just don't see the harm in him being in my life. He is my best friend and I love talking to him. Maybe one day that is all we will be. Although to be fair, it's all we are right now, cuz it's not exactly like we are getting sexy at the moment. ANYWAY.

I think I have a stomach ulcer. I had a cup of coffee last night that made me really ill. Although, today I seem to be fine. I have been drinking peppermint tea instead of coffee, so I have only had one cup today. Which is good. I have had two cups of peppermint tea, tomato and basil soup and a cup of coffee with honey. I think I am cutting myself off for the day, although maybe one more cup of coffee... maybe. Anyway, so my cals for the day are at about 300. YAY! If I move into my flat next week - that means... SCALE TIME!!! So excited to get a scale. I haven't weighed in two months. I bet I'm close to UGW, I mean, I have been good. :) Mostly. I don't have anything profound to say today... Although, I really love posting about ED issues because it's nice to know that people actually relate to me... We really are not alone. :)

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Fucking ZOMBIES!

Dudes, I don't know if you know - but I am literally the biggest zombie-phobe on the planet. I have zombie apocalypse contingency plans and shit. Like. No jokes. So you can imagine my panic when this morning I heard that there was a dude in Miami that was seen on a highway naked, eating another naked guys face. Like EATING IT. And they shot him and he growled at them. So they shot him 5 times before he died. WHAT THE FUCK!? They say that it is some bad strain of LSD that made him do it, but dafuq kind of drugs makes you a fucking zombie!? So listen, if you live in Miami, don't take LSD and b) make sure your contingency plan is up to scratch. Mutha fuckers I am SOSOSO paranoid about zombie apocalypse. Anyway.

I saw my flat today, it is teeeeny tiny and only has a single bed which sucks massive balls. BUT on the upside, it's cute and I love it. And since I am in boyfriend limbo, it's not like anyone will be sleeping next to me any time soon. So I should be moving in early next week. Which is a winnnnn. I binged yesterday which sucked, but then I got a skirt and corset that I ordered online and they fit beautifully so happy days :). None the less. so today I have had my two cups of coffee with honey, two normal cups of coffee and two petits filous and that's it for today. I'm not hungry. I'm going to work now until about 11pm then sleep. I'm tired and I need to keep my sleep pattern regular. Which is working. So colour schemes for my new home? I'm think pink and chocolate.. or something. I dunno, I'm worried about a candyfloss explosion which is likely to happen with me. OH and intake total for today is 250 so far btws :)

Love & Honey Peace
Xo Xo

Monday, May 28, 2012

On my mind...

There is something that I have been thinking about for a while... and it is something that was brought to my consciousness most recently by Katie's Blog - so check it out. But I don't want to say too much about what Kate said, because quite frankly, me interpreting what she says in a post is just rude and also me explaining her struggles is not my story to tell. BUT anyway. My thoughts on an eating disorder is that it is just a manifestation of something else... like. A deeper problem. Also mentioned in Ruby's recent post. Anyway, so I know this. And as I mentioned a few posts ago, I think we do this to punish ourselves. But while for some people, they hate themselves no matter how much weight they lose. They hate how they look without the weight, they hate the disorder. And what's been on my mind, is that I really don't hate it. I don't feel like it adversely effects my life. I don't get freaked out by going to supermarkets and going out for dinner. Like I fake it really really well. Maybe it's because I know that in order to keep myself like this, I need to be able to fake it. So I can eat a meal with people at a restaurant or go to dinner with people and bullshit my way through it. I also don't get fussed about people noticing that I don't eat. Or telling people to piss off when they start telling me things. If people comment on me saying I never eat, I tell them that I'd be dead if I didn't eat. Like I fire back. Like, I don't give a shit if people think there is something wrong with me, because when it comes down to it, I love the way that I look way more than I EVER did when I was fat. I don't spend HOURS obsessing over my clothes when I get dressed looking which one makes my stomach look the flattest or stressing over muffin tops. I just put on clothes and even though I don't feel skinny enough, I know I am skinnier than most, so it is still fine. I HATED my body before and my ED has made more closer to beauty than I have ever been. And once I reach my UGW and I can see my bones. I will be even more beautiful. I think I am realistic also, because I know that I need to make sure I don't get too thin or they will put me in recovery or force me to eat. And I don't want that. I don't want recovery. I LOVE how I look and I can't wait to be even more beautiful when I am at my UGW. There is a lot that I hate about myself, but slowly I am learning to love different parts, but if I am fat again, the love will disappear. And I won't let that happen by letting go of my ED. Fuck that.

Anyway, after that LOVELY rant. Yesterdays intake was also a bit over at 650, because I caved and had TWO pudding cups. Gross. But it's still okay. I managed to not have anything other than the extra pudding cup. Today, I am having my coffee and yoghurt, then some beetroot for vitamins. Then soup for dins. Hopefully around 500. :) I have so much work to do. But anyway. Thanks for the lovely comments as always. You are all really amazing friends to me. MORE COCO!

Coco & Peace
Xo Xo

Sunday, May 27, 2012

What Would Coco Do?

I was looking through my fb pics and even though they are lovely, because I got skinnier over the years instead of fatter, I also realised how mutha fucken boring I have become. I literally used to go out 5 nights a week. I had a ton of friends and I had so much fucking fun. What the fucking fuck has happened to me?? SERIOUSLY!? What the fuck has happened TO ME!? Jesus. Okay, well I can't drink, because it messes with my prozac, but to be fair, all I ever really needed was a joint. But fuck it man. WHAT THE FUCK IT WRONG WITH ME!? So I have decided to get back to that. I am going to go out somewhere at least three nights a week. There was this thing I used to go to at the National Portrait Gallery and I'm going to start going to those. It's like a late night thing thing. I used to draw and have fun. And now I just fucking suck. What the fuck has happened to me.

Anyway, so yesterday I got a bit side tracked with my intake, because I got hungry. But my intake ended up being around 630 so I didn't go TOO far over. But those damn pudding cups. I didn't have soup or my last cup of coffee. I had a can of tuna and THREE pudding cups instead. Luckily they are only 75 cals each, so a pudding cup binge ends up being little anyway. Nonetheless. The plan for today. Only two cups of honey coffee allowed. I've had a petits filous already. Then soup for dinner. Grapes for lunch. I should end up at below 600. Maybe another pudding cup :D :D :D. Maybe. What would Coco do? She probably wouldn't eat the pudding cup. So maybe I won't be having the pudding cup. I don't know. Anyway. Mission, more fun. Here I come. I need to make new friends. New interesting friends.

Life used to be so simple. Goddammit. Fuck balls. More Coco below. I <3 her... Clearly :p

Coco & Love
Xo Xo

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Les Miserables

Yesterday totally turned into a binge day, but to be fair, I was feeling a little mopey about my boy. But hell. I told him that I don't want to speak to him for a week, so that I can make up my mind whether I want him in my life. He seems like a constant source of negativity for me. Thus far, not having him as mine has had little tangible impact. Besides me wanting to talk to him, because I LOVE talking to him it has been mostly okay. I have been chatting to lilypad again, he's been helping me through it. But I am feeling strong and a lot of that has to do with the lovely support that you guys gave me on my previous post, so thanks a lot for that. It does really help. At the moment I feeling a little isolated, because I don't have money to go out, but that will change next week thank god.  OH YES, I also found a flat. It's just a studio, but with my boy not coming here anymore, it doesn't actually matter, because i'm cool with it. I'm enrolling in a circus course thing, like flying trapeze type thing, cuz I've always wanted to do that. Shit, I've been working since 6am this morning. SO tired, but still have a bunch more work to do. Tomorrow, I am going to take the day off and chill... maybe. 

Anyway, ENOUGH of that. Something I have been thinking about is how people think that being skinny is the easiest thing. Like, oh you can eat whatever you want, you are SO skinny. LIES. LIES. LIES. I am slimmer because I don't eat whatever I like. I don't eat bread or pasta, carbs in general. I don't eat meat and fish and chips and hamburgers or pizza. Tacos burritos I can think of a billion things that I don't eat and that's why I am the way I am. I want these things so badly that I dream about them, but I don't eat them. I sacrifice. Weight loss = sacrifice. Do you think Coco or Posh eat burgers? No. No, they do not. 

Todays intake so far has been a punnet of strawberries, a petits filous, coffee with honey. I am limiting myself to one tablespoon of honey per day, so three cups with honey. I have had two so far and one more for later. Then after I finish my next assignment, I am going to have tomato and basil soup (or carrot and coriander) with a petits filous pudding cup, which should bring my total to just under 600. I may need to work out if i can have the pudding cup, but i'll do that with my calorie tracker later. It should be fine. :) :) Cuz then I get pudding too. What a dream. Then to bed, because I want to get all my work done by tuesday, so I can party like a rockstar next weekend. Being jubilee weekend and all. 

Love & Pudding Cups
Xo Xo

Friday, May 25, 2012

This is it.

So, the boy and I are finished I think. He has till later today to make up his mind about what he wants. But I'm tired of this. And even though it hurts, I need to look out for myself now. I am a sexy piece of ass and hopefully someone will love me. I feel like the constant negativity coming from that relationship is holding me back. Saying that, if he can commit to changing that, then I will give him one more chance. I am finished with being hurt like this. I don't deserve it. On the plus side, no one is pushing me to eat moreeeeeeee. So ladies, I am reinstating the 600-a-day rule. YAY! I am going to see if I can make it one whole week without going over that. :) :) I have decided that my new thinspo is Coco Roche, cuz she is devilishly skinny.

Yesterday, I went for some quiet reflection time in the park, because it was a beautiful day and I sat on a tree stump and I thought about the things in my life and how I feel about them. I am happy with my job - writing - I am not happy that it doesn't present networking or socialising opportunities, but I am going to take a aerial art class, because I have always wanted to do that. First things first though. Find somewhere to live. I'm not overly concerned about networking right now, since I don't really have money to socialise. But I am going to keep staying away from alcohol. And also, with the boy. I'm okay if it doesn't work out now, I need to remove the deadwood from my life to make room for more. And if he refuses to move forward with me, then he must stay behind. The last six months have been really difficult in terms of trying to find a good space in my head to exist in. So, now that I am getting somewhere, my boy makes me want to hurt myself and I don't want to do that anymore. I also don't want to eat more. So, I'm not going to.

Coco & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Long. Emo. Rant.

I am getting fat again. I need to stop this, and it is even worse because I don't have a fucking scale to find out how bad it is. I am sure I am below 60kgs, so hopefully closer to 55 than 60. Soon I will be in my own place and then I can have a scale. Yes, yes, yes. In the meantime, no more honey in my coffee (okay, once a day) - which as you know is a MAJOR sacrifice. Then today I will have soup for dinner and some carrots to snack on. All in all, aiming for about 500 today. I have a shiton of work to do, so hoping to get that all done by about 5, so I can have a lovely relaxing evening. I have no idea why I am posting even. I kinda just felt like rambling on and on. I think my boy is having second thoughts about this long distance thing. Like, now that I have started actually planning he seems distant. This of course could all be in my head. But nonetheless. I don't know if I'd ever go back if he wasn't there. There just doesn't seem to be a point.

Why is our self-worth so wrapped up in stupid shit that we can't control. I don't know why it all affects me the way it does. I was thinking on Monday that if he had to break up with me (again), nothing in my life would actually change. It's just that in my head, I have convinced myself that everything will change. And because of that I would be upset. My head can't let go, even though it really doesn't matter. It's all in our heads. Maybe I need to remember that though, if I am ever forced to get over him. The distance is already desensitizing me to things that would have upset me when I was home. I just wish I knew that we were okay. I also want to move forward. I'm sick of trying to figure out if we should be together. Because I have decided that we should be, next. Next is us living in the same country again, as soon as possible. Getting married, moving on. I don't want to limbo like this forever. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of struggling and waiting. I just want to move forward. And I have moved forward in every aspect of my life, except there. But I'm too afraid to ask for answers, because firstly I don't even know what questions I am asking and also, I'm too scared of getting an answer that I don't like - which is the most likely thing to happen because he hates giving answers. He likes being tough and a matyr.

Sorry about the emo rant. Challenge anyone?

Emo & Sighs
Xo Xo

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Random F. A. T.

I have been binging for the last three days. Since Monday. Essentially. Since the shoot, which was great. I could have been thinner. I was totally disgusted because of the three men in that studio, two asked me out before I left and the one was SO forward. Like hand on leg shit. MAN, I like fuck right off buddy. Jesus. Anyway, so they offered me a contract and the photos actually looked good, so I am thinking I may look around a bit because paying for a portfolio is expensive :( - anyway. So I have been eating rubbish for three days. It's not like. Big binge. But definitely more than 1000. WAY more.

I need to start looking for a flat now. It's so hot in London, I think I am going to drink in the park later. Fuck, I really don't feel like flat hunting. I'll do it next week. Or maybe the week after. Maybe, I am on target financially this month, more or less. So it should all be fine fine fine. There is something strange happening with the boy... it's like he is unsure again, because I am planning my trip down in September/October and he needs to think about whether I can stay with him. I thought we moved past this, really. Honestly. Whatever then. I know what I want. I am living my life. I'm tired of people holding me back. And if he doesn't want me like I am, then that's fine. It is going to suck, but I will move on. The guy from the agency called me a 'fairy'. I want to go more blonde. I am not feeling this half blonde thing... Maybe picture time. Right, it does look a little blonder than the pic, but not much. They say cuz my hair is so long I shouldn't bleach it first time, rather do it graduallly with highlights. So this is what I am doing.

I'm feeling very stressed and conflicted. I need to find my own place. Immediately.

Love & Sweat
Xo Xo

Monday, May 21, 2012


So, a few weeks ago I was called by some woman that got my pic from a hostess job that I applied for and she asked me if I wanted to do a testshoot for her agency. I was like 'heeelllllllllllllllllz yeah mutha fucker' but then after thinking about it, I turned it down... Well. I cancelled it, because I don't need to feel fat, like really. I don't need that. Anyway, so the dude from the studio called me this afternoon to confirm my shoot for tomorrow. So I was like, dude serial. I cancelled that. Like wtf? Anyway, so now I have a test shoot tomorrow. And I am SO nervous. And of course, murphy's law. I ate almost 3oz of pringles before he called. So today my intake has been a cup of coffee with a bit of honey, two pudding cups, the pringles *sadpanda* and a whole lot of gazpacho soup. In total my cals are about 850 for the day. So I think I kinda saved myself. Anyway, so tomorrow it's peppermint tea, kiwi fruit and a petits filous before the shoot. And then soup for dinner. I can't be all bloated. God, and the pringles had so much salt. GOD, I'm going to look like a water retained whale. Whaddup Moby. Jesus. I don't know why I am doing this. I am busy painting my nails now. Going to do red with my ring fingers in pink. I thought it would look cute. I also have like NO clothes, because I just moved country. I bet they will just kick my ass out of the studio. Sorry little hippo - no wildlife allowed.

*sigh* Anyway, thanks for all the lovely comments on my blog. I have been without internet all weekend. It's just awful. Now I'm going to watch some top model and hopefully pick up some kind of posing tip so I don't look like a fucken migrant whale. *cry* Why do I get myself into these fucken messes. WHY OH WHY!?

Love & Tears
Xo Xo

Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Need to Punish

I'm telling you guys, these things are fucken amazeballs. Petits Filous. Right so these things, if you're not aware are these little yoghurt pot thingys made for children. And they are 50g servings. The yoghurt is actually fromage frais... which is kinda cheese, I promise, it takes just like yoghurt though. And it is SUPER rich and creamy. And only 47 cals in a pot. THEN there are the 50g pudding cups, which are amazing. Like proper proper fucking awesome. They are 75 cals per pot, but it's chocolate pudding or vanilla pudding. TOTALLY FUCKEN AWESOME. So today, I have pretty much only had coffee with honey and milk, two pudding cups and one yoghurt cup. So my total for today is around 350. Honey is super full of calories, but I don't mind. It's below 500 so no freaking out.

I know I am meant to be eating more, but I was quite upset this morning, cuz my boy had an early meeting and messages didn't send, so I started freaking out for no reason and didn't want to eat. I honestly started a blog post this morning entitled: I don't deserve food. Like. I mean I understand that all of this is related. The need to punish ourselves. Which is why there are common treads between all of us - cutting, starving, binging, purging, laxies, excessive exercise, drugs, drink - I really do believe that for me. I believe it's because we don't think we are worth anything. So we punish. And if we do that, then maybe we will be worth more. And so, this morning, when I thought I had yet again done something to anger my boy, I punished. No food for you Piggy. You don't deserve to eat. I mean. Yes, okay I know that it's fucked up that I have such a complex about him hurting me, and I know that he is also a little fucked for hurting me. But I hurt him too. I hurt him by hurting myself. Because I know what that does to him. It's how all of this ED shit got so out of hand  And then... at the end of the day. I can't let him go. We have issues to work through. We both do. And one day once we have sorted out all the shit, real people have real issues. We are stronger for it. Gawd. Okay, I know I don't have to explain myself. People don't understand. I don't understand. I don't think either of us do actually. I think it's just blinding love. I can't see myself spending my life with anyone else. SHUT UP PIGGY. Jesus, seriously dudes. I will fucking stop these love rants I SWEAR.

I am having a bit of a dilemma at the moment, about the direction of my life. I need to make a decision about where I want to live. Etc etc. But I just can't seem to do that. I know that I want the freedom to move around. But all I can think about is going back to Cape Town, and not telling my family. I couldn't do that. Anyway. So I think I am staying in London for the summer and then up to Leeds when I start studying. I feel very confused by all this freedom. I am also. REALLY enjoying my job at the moment. WRiting... maybe something I was meant to do... Perhaps? I still need to get a scale. FUCK FUCK! Anyway. I will get one at the end of the month.

Fierce & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I just don't DO 'fat'

So much of what I see in the world is accompanied by the label 'fat'. I'm kinda trying to think of the succinct way of describing this... I mean. Okay, I watched this movie recently called Factory Girl, all about Andy Warhol and his superstars. (Also let me state that I really hate Andy Warhol)... Actually, let me remove this from brackets and have a Warhol rant. Andy Warhol is everything that I hate about people. He is the pseudo intellectual type of representation that everything has to have a deeper meaning, but it doesn't. Truly for Warhol I believe that he really did see everything in a pop-art kind of way. That was just his vision of the world, but for what he represented, it tries too hard to be unique and different. Art is everything, everything is art. By making everyday objects into art, you are forcing people to seek a deeper meaning into something mundane. That isn't making art simple. It's complicating reality. I don't know if that even makes sense. But I loathe Andy Warhol. It's like when people say they only read literary fiction. It makes me want to fucken slap a bitch. ANYWAY, so in this movie they used the word chic to describe everything. And that is how I label things. I won't eat something, because it's 'fat'. I won't have short hair, because it's 'fat' or wear flared tops or empire line tops, because they are 'fat'. I won't ever buy things at the store like bread or sugar because those are also 'fat'. And I think that any kind of involvement of fat things in my life will make me a fat person, therefore there is no room for them. Do you know what I mean? It's like a while ago everyone used the word 'gay' to describe things. It had nothing to do with actual homosexuality, but it was just gay. It's kind of like that. It doesn't make a person fat, but it is a fat thing. I dunno. I feel like I'm not explaining myself properly.

ANYWAY, so yesterday was quite a high day due to some early morning eating. It was around 800 cals for the day. Thus far today I have had about 150, coffee with honey, blueberries and a petits filous. These petits filous are fucking amazeballs since they are super tasty, filling and low in calories. I found one in the store yesterday that is like pudding for 75 cals per serving. I mean, I can have pudding for low low calories. God Bless England. Today, I shall have a couple carrots for lunch type thing and definitely more coffee. Dinner will be soup. I am aiming for about 700 for today. I saw my doctor yesterday who told me that because my BMI isn't below 18 I don't need to go to the ED clinic *happy penguin dance* - although at the same time I was vaguely insulted, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I also did not get to weigh myself. So the end of this month when I get paid, I am getting a scale. I can't do this for much longer. HOW MUCH DO I WEIGH!? Anyway, she says it's good that I am controlling my binges and not cutting. So progress is being made, even though I'm still restricting. I don't really plan to stop restricting soon. I don't do fat. As I said. I think if I can get to my UGW and just stay there, it will be fine. I will never be fat ever again. No matter what.

Fat Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Monday, May 14, 2012

Blondes Ahoy

I had a really hectic weekend full of drama which I don't feel like talking about. I am so very in love with my boy again. and again. and again. I was day dreaming about him on the tube today and didn't notice when it was my stop. My hair is blonde now, I am going to take a picture a bit later or tomorrow in the light. At the moment, I am just so exhausted. I ate a lot yesterday. Today, I've been too grumpy to eat, so I've had about 200 cals. Two petits filous and three cups of coffee with honey. So tired. I went out on Saturday and felt like a huge whale. An enormous, massive ugly whale. Tomorrow is my doctors appointment, so I suspect I will be weighed tomorrow. I need to get more medication. The orders for the bands are pouring in. Girls, I'm proud of us. I will mail you all back those that have placed orders when they arrive to confirm shipping details. Time to catch up on some blogs. Lovely petals, I am so tired. I was offered that job, but I don't feel like I have the strength to either accept or reject it at this point. I'm so fucking tired. I just wish my boy was here to cuddle me and stroke my hair. He always makes me feel safe.

Love & Yawns
Xo Xo

Thursday, May 10, 2012


I had my interview today with the property company and oh my god, the offices are beautiful, the people are cool. It's so awesome. If they offer me a good package then I shall stay, however my heart is still set on Leeds... The boy got some bad news today that he has to move out of his place in November, so he's in a sad mood. It hurts me to see him hurt. But on the plus side, I really do feel like he is taking the whole move to England-be-together thing seriously. Which warms my heart. I feel like he will see the world from a whole other angle when he gets here and I can't wait for him to see how easy life can be. :)

In other news, because I promised the boy I'd try to up my intake. I'm on about 700 for today. Which is two punnets of strawberries, a petits filous, pumpkin seeds and a shiton of soup. I still need to eat the second punnet of strawberries. It's fucken difficult eating so much. I don't want to just start eating high cal shit either. So I figure if I eat that plus my magic salad for lunch, it will be a solid 800. Of healthy good food. :) I won't put on weight though. For now. I will not. I suspect that I may be close to my UGW already, but I'm going to weigh on Tuesday when I go to the doctor. And if I see 55 then I will make sure I maintain it and not lose anymore. There has to be a way to be skinny and still keep my boy. :) And my UGW puts me at a BMI of just under 18. I can live with that. :)

Thanks for all the emails and comments, it means a lot to me. Uh and thanks for the feedback on the wristbands. I only ordered like 40 of them, so if you maybe want from the first lot then mail me. Otherwise, I'll order more a bit later. I will also give you the price based on how much your postage is. Makes things easier.

Love & Seeds
Xo Xo

Red ED Bands

Just a quick update that I got all the red bands to send to you guys. I am having three hearts embossed onto them and they look like red livestrong bands. If you want to order one go to the page I made for it. Just to be clear, I'm not making a profit out of these at all. The cost just covers the band and postage. Other than that... I don't really think I have anything else to add. Send me a pic of you wearing it though and I'll upload it. Solidarity ladies. It's how we survive. And it's a nice reminded to look down and see the commitment.

Love & Hugs
Xo Xo

On Target

So yesterday the boy freaked about this blog, he obviously thought I was doing better than I am. Anyway, so I am trying to eat a little more. I mean obviously it's difficult and I do NOT want to put on any weight. So I had a yoghurt thing called Petits Filous, a shiton of strawberries and carrot and coriander soup. Then I had some coffee and some chocolate. So I think I am around 800/900 for the day. I am super fucking stoked though because the yoghurt contains all my calcium and some fat for the day. Which is good. I think what I am going to do from now is have the yoghurt and strawberries for breakfast, my low cal miracle tuna salad for lunch and then soup for dinner. That's a decent 700 for the day, three meals and super healthy. I may add a slice of wholegrain bread to dinner. So I have protein, fruits, veggies, fats, dairy. I will have a super diet. I think I will aim for 800 since he said that 600 is way too low. He doesn't understand it, but I love him enough to want to look after myself a little more. So a three meal a day standard with some beetroot or grapes or edamame beans to snack on. It should be good and healthy, but still low low cal.

Anyway, plans for leeds are coming along nicely. I found a flat that I MUST have. So maybe will go up to Leeds this weekend to see it. I need to be a bit more money conscious at the moment, because I am spending way too much. I am thinking of taking Burlesque, yoga and french when I get to Leeds to try socialise a little. I have an interview tomorrow that I am a bit nervous about, even though I really don't want the job, because I love writing. It's not a bad opportunity so I will try. I can't wait to get a little kitten and I've decided to get a boy kitten either ginger or tabby, but definitely very very fluffy. I need a scale. SO badly. I need I need. I am promising myself that I won't go lower than my UGW i.e. 55kg. I must be getting close. Only five more days until I'm blonde blonde blonde. SO excited.

Thank you for all the lovely support and comments. It really does mean a lot to me that I get support and feedback from everyone. It really does help that people understand.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Someone very special to me has access to my blog now. I don't know if he will read it regularly or whether he will never look at it, because obviously this kind of thing can be quite upsetting if you aren't expecting it. He thought that with my recovery after hospital in November that this would also get better... obviously not the way that it works. As with all of my problems, I acknowledge that they are there but I can only deal with them when I deal with them.

Love Forever
Xo Xo

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

There was a young lady from Leeds...

I feel like so much has happened in the last two days it's insane. The good news is that I have decided that I am moving to Leeds and going to do masters at Leeds University. So I'm going up at the end of the month to find a place to live for the beginning of July. Then I'm buying a car and getting another kitten with high priority once I am in Leeds. YAY! To answer the questions, yes I did just move to London but this place isn't for me. It's really big and busy. I'm just a small town kinda gal. You know? I am trying to convince the boy to apply to Med School over here. But I can only help him along so far. The rest he has to do himself...

I have an appointment on Monday to dye my hair... wait for it... PLATINUM blonde. I will definitely post pics once it's done. Before and afters of course. I have had so much work to do, I still have so much work to do. IT's INSANE. But I'm about to finish off and then sleep for five years, but no rest for the wicked as I have a two deadlines for Friday and an interview on Thursday that I need to prepare for. Yes, it's been really busy.

The bad news is that I totally binged yesterday. It was bound to happen I guess. But if I can prevent it from happening till next week then it will be okay since I am giving myself one binge day a week. Anyway, this is what happened. I went out yesterday to a Bowerbirds show in Shoreditch and when I was getting dressed, I was like hell yeah looking sexy. Felt like I looked SO skinny. But like. Then I went out and I felt like I looked the same as my friend - fat - and everyone else. Like even though I was looking skinny, no one was noticing me. So on the tube on the way home, after already fighting a trip into chicken cottage, I was miserable and just like 'what's the point' cuz it seems like no matter how much I starve I'll always be fat. And why can't I be happy fat like everyone else? So on the way home I stopped at the fish and chips shop. All I wanted was a chicken burger. But I ended up convincing myself to get dinner for my roomie also so got a chicken burger, a battered deep fried sausage, two fish cakes and a HUGE portion of chips with mayonaise. I devoured the burger while walking home. Like I went caveman on it. I'm so glad it was dark because people would have been disgusted if they saw how I was eating it. Then I ate half the sausage that I bought for my roomie and left the other half out for the foxes cuz the whole meat thing started making me feel ill. I took the batter off the sausage - no point in the foxes having a heart attack also. Then got home and ate as much as I could of the chips which wasn't too much as I was STUFFED by this point. Then I had one fish cake and a couple bites of mushy peas. Needless to say I felt absolutely disgusting. But it was kinda nice to not feel hungry for a little while, but then immediately missed it when I woke up this morning. I wish there was a way of doing this but NOT thinking about it all the time. Also, I've been dreaming non-stop about food. *sigh*

Anyway, my epic binge. *cry*

Fish & Chips
Xo Xo

Sunday, May 6, 2012


I checked my nutrition feedback thing and I haven't binged in a week. WOWOWOW! Today I'm at about 470 cals. I had coffee and honey (my usual), grapes and soup. I had a LOT of soup. I need to start taking vitamins. I have decided that I want to move to Scotland. I can't WAIT! At the end of the month I think :) I want a kitten so badly. The boy and I sorted out our issue. Long distance is tough. I need to convince him... or he needs to trust me.. that I am in a better place and that I'm not going to fuck up. But I will show him. I feel like I am doing so much better already... :) What do you guys think about Scotland? Good idea, bad idea?

OH and as for my cals today, I haven't binged in a week true, but I also had a very high cal day on Thursday because of that dinner with the family friends. So I need to not binge till next Sunday and then Sundays are going to be my free day. So I just have to make it 6 more days. I can do this.

Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. I feel so positive right now, and I'm SO sure that I have lost weight. I'm going to try weigh myself tomorrow or Tuesday.

Tomato & Basil
Xo Xo


I always have mixed emotions when I read blogs that are being deleted or are now talking about recovery... Whilst I am really happy for those that choose to recover over being skinny, when I read blog posts about it I can't describe the emotion. Obviously, there is a lot of eating in those posts. And a lot of uncontrollable eating also. And while I'm reading I'm always like "YOU ATE WHAT!? AND THEN YOU ATE THAT!? Don't you know how fat you're going to get!? STOP STOP STOP YOU'VE WORKED SO HARD!?" Granted, I am in the fortunate position that I don't b/p so my habits of restricting are no where near as severe... I am older than most that post, there are a few of us that are older... Maybe we are beyond saving. Maybe there is no hope for us anymore, maybe we are set in our ways. But .... It's not like I don't wish the recoverees well, because I absolutely do, I just think my reaction is so unnatural. I don't want to recover. I love my bones and I've worked hard for them...

Anyway. That aside. Yesterday I had a whole calorie thang planned out but then the boy and I got into another fight which made me almost take a lot of pills. But I stopped after a few. I slept well last night. I'm not proud of what I did, but it's the only way I know how to hurt him.. Which is also fucked. I wonder if he knows how much he hurts me, I don't know why I feel like I need to hurt him if he hurts me. But I need to. Maybe it's because I feel like he doesn't know how much pain he causes, I don't know. He is in every fibre of my soul, how could I live without him? *sigh* Anyway, the point is that I didn't eat much. I had my strawberries as usual and some coffee, but due to the drama I didn't have anything else until my roomie forced some grapes on me and sugar free red bull. I managed to say no to A LOT of chocolate. So yesterday was about 250 cals.

Today I've only had my coffee. Then some strawberries, two small kiwis and soup. That's the plan. But now I have a fuckton of work to do which I have to get on. Fuck balls. OH and like a tit, I fell down the stairs last night so my shoulder is SO sore, I may have dented the landing at the bottom when I fell. Pretty sure I looked like a falling spider, leg's. A flying circus. The thought of what it musta looked like makes me giggle. *sings* Always look on the bright side of life *whistles* HAHA. Silly Piggy. OH and hopefully hopefully *fingers crossed* I emailed some dude looking for a hair model, so hopefully I will be platinum blonde and Gwen Stefani before I know it. I always promised myself (for at least 5 years) that if I ever got to 60kgs I'd have Marilyn hair, now i've been here for a while. I need the hair. *fistbump*

Does anyone watch Big Rich Texas? I want to be Whitney. Bad ass, skinny, rich, sexy. Speaking of which. I have SO much work to do. *cry* Let's get to it bitchessssssssssss.

Love & Peas
Xo Xo

Saturday, May 5, 2012


You will never fucking believe it, but I went out for dinner tonight and I had exactly what I said I was going to. SO I managed to stay under 600 for a three course bloody meal. Oh MY GAWD! Firstly, the burlesque show was AMAZING! I totally want to take lessons so when my boy gets here i'll have some sexy moves to show him. Maybe. But it makes me wonder how those girls get on stage and pretty much get naked. There were two girls that were not skinny and they rocked it. Like honestly. I don't even think I could do that in front of my boyfriend without thinking that I was a migrant whale from the north atlantic ocean. Seriously. ANYWAY.

Dinner was pea and ricotta ravioli which was just one biggish round ravioli with some edamame beans, cherry tomatoes and peas. I ate all of it. Because it was just one rav and there was no sauce or anything that looked too toxic. Main course I had a salmon steak with a tiny thin mustard crust and two more tomatoes. I didn't eat the polenta or any sauce with it. Then dessert I had my three teaspoons of creme brullee. No more. I had about two sips of wine and a shiton of water. According to my calorie counter, I'm about 570 for today, but I suspect that it may be over a bit, since the ravioli didn't seem like it was 200 cals, but you never know.

What have I learned today? If you go in prepared you are more likely to succeed. Preparation is key. Obviously this was a bit of a surprise, because I knew my goal, but I thought that faced with the food, I wouldn't be able to say no. But fuck it mutha fuckers, I totally did. I think because I had time to think about everything before I ate. WOW. SO excited. I also walked a shiton, so I atleast burned off some of it. I am confident that my NETT today was under 500. EXCITED!

Pride & Love
Xo Xo

Friday, May 4, 2012

Exhausted Piggy!

Well today was a huge fuck up. I had dinner with my surrogate family which involved veggie curry, rice, nan bread, pappadoms, strawberries with ice cream, a g & t and some other miscellaneous nibbles. Fuck fuck. I know we always use this as an excuse but I had to. They are good friends with my mom back home and I've been telling her I've put on weight. So I told them all the London walking is the cause of my weightloss - they haven't seen me in a while, so I tried to eat a normal amount so they'd not worry. So yes, I am sure I had at least 2000 calories today *cry* however to try and mitigate the shit I did walk quite a bit and I power walked home and ran up stairs to try burn some off. I'm sure that it will be fine, but alas, I have ANOTHER dinner tomorrow. So I am not going to eat until dinner like I did today, also minimal alcohol and loads of walking.

I am still on the hunt for a flat. I found one in Canning Town that I LOVE. It's not quite the right area, but it is AWESOME! Anyway, I tried to phone to make a viewing appt but they didn't answer or call me back. I finished the shiton of work I had to do, but now I must start all over again tomorrow. But for right now. It's bed.

Fat & More Fat...
Xo Xo

**EDIT: Ah ha ah ha! I have figured out my dining dilemma tomorrow. I shall only have water with lemon slices. NO alcohol. And since I picked the menu - pea and ricotta ravioli, mustard crust salmon with polenta and vanilla creme brullee - I could figure out how much of what I could eat. So basically to stay under 1000 (!!! Still high, BUT better than today's DISASTER!!!) I can eat 5 ravioli no sauce. No more than five. About 200 cals. The salmon without the crust or any polenta. Another 200ish. And three bites - Victoria Beckham style - of the creme brullee. I can in fact be under 600 if I stick to that. But I shall see how my willpower manages at the dinner. PLAN! I plan to take really small bites, take super long eating and chew it at least 30 times per bite. ***

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Today has been largely successful. It's only 8.20pm though but lemme tell yall about it. Firstly, I only woke up at 2pm, so... not quite getting my sleep sorted out, but I got an urgent job to finish by tomorrow so it's a good thing because otherwise I'd have to sleep early. Now I can work through the night. Which I don't hate. I'm a nightowl anyway.

I went to the bank and it turns out my card got lost in the mail, so now I have to wait till Friday for another one, but I can withdraw money in the actual bank in the meantime, so I got enough for the week or so. Then I went food shopping which I hate because I buy more for my flatmate than I eat, so I spend all my money on him. Only one more month though and then I should have a place to myself.

I found this rad ass german franchise called Lidl which has everything SO cheap. So I got some mangoes from them and organic milk. Oh ja and also some pickled beetroot which I love, cuz it's a great healthy snack. And some coffee and honey. So I am allowing myself one cup of coffee with a teaspoon of honey a day. Well this depends on my overall cal intake. And some peppermint tea. Which I plan to drink like a boss. And some peanuts. I don't think i'll eat them. But maybe. Then I found this EPIC fruit seller that is selling a pound of strawberries for 99p. Which is 100g more than the other stores and half the price, so I bought 4 punnets of that. I plan to have one of those a day.

Today my cals are about 530. Including the punnet of strawberries that I haven't eaten yet. But I had my coffee with honey, cream of tomato soup (300!!) and two small kiwi fruits. Even though it is a little high, I'm happy with it. I have enough soup till sunday. Although I have a dinner tomorrow, so I need to try behave. But yes, today was fine. Hopefully I can keep it under 1000 tomorrow. These people eat ALOT of fat and carbs. Anyway, I think they said a braai, so there will prolly be meat. Meat and salad i'll do. I don't have the heart to tell them I don't eat meat. But once in a while. Won't kill me, although YUK! But still.

I need to get to work now, but I am feeling self sufficient and powerful today. I just need to find a place to live and I am A for away. Fucking BRILLIANT! ^_^

Work & Strawbs
Xo Xo

May Day

Today was the boys birthday... 28 he is. Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post.... Alice May <3 Anyway, enough about that... Every relationship has it's issues and I can forgive him for Amanda, like he has to forgive me for trying to kill myself and *cough cough* with his friend.

Today was good. I GOT PAID, but I still don't have a bank card, so I have to go into the bank tomorrow and get cash, but at least I have it :). I have a bunch of work to do by Monday. FUck fuck. So I have to get on that tomorrow, I am trying to sort out my sleeping patterns because I have been going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 3pm. NOT good. So now I have to sort this shizit out. I also need to start looking for a place of my own to rent... gawd. This is going to be epicly fun.

Today I ate about 450 cals. About 250 was a crapload of butternut soup. Then I had a really shitty mojito with a friend of mine. I'm guessing it was about 200, but they didn't put sugar in it like they shouldve so I'm guessing it was probably less. I have dinner of thursday and friday so I need to behave till then. Also I can't have a binge day... or I can make it friday. Something like that. I need to buy a scale. SOON. But I can't till I move out. I don't need this dude to see me being all obsessive.

I just woke up it's 243am. And guess what I was dreaming about? Ben & Jerrys. OH right and WIN for thinspo TV, the biggest loser and top model. Yes. We. Can. I found it really funny that in one ep of top model they had to eat a Pinks hotdog. As if a model would. *laugh* OH and I broke my awesome pair of wedges today. :(:( The one strap snapped while I was strolling around central London. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Ben & Jerrys *cry*
Xo Xo