Friday, December 28, 2012

Anyone keen on a fast?

So, we are all fat after Christmas... that much is given. I started a fast yesterday at 6pm. Although, it is a tea/coffee/diet coke fast, so there will be a few calories. But no milk. Basically, black coffee, peppermint tea, green tea, lemon ginger tea and diet soda. I plan to keep it going until the 1st. Excluding the alcohol that I know will happen on NYE. But probably only like one glass of wine, because after three days of fasting, you know it is going to get messy really quickly. Anyone keen to join? Remember ladies, that you don't have to wait till morning to start a fast, the minute you finished eating your last meal, your fast begins. Lets do this. 6lbs by the 1st?

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Monday, December 24, 2012

Mini Victories

Whilst I have nothing to report really on anything, except that my eating today was pretty awful... about 1400 cals. DISGUSTING PIGGY. (But better than... like. 5000). I had a little breakthrough today. I sometimes think about my ex... Like. Dream about him. Day dream about him almost. Like the things I'd say to him if I saw him again. And one of my greatest fears has always been that I'd melt. Just like, you're so lovely, I missed you so much KISSSSSSSSSSSSSS MEEEEEee. You know, like totally wuss out? I don't think about him often, but sometimes I kinda feel a bit blue or remember something awesome that we did together and then I'll revert back to those thoughts. Today was one of those days and today was also the day I was sitting thinking and kinda going... There is no way that this ends well for you Piggy. No way. Too much time has passed. He has been too cruel, there is NO chance of ever forgiving or forgetting the awful things he said and did. So, I was like. Mmm, that's a good point. And then, this is where the breakthrough happened. I started day dreaming about something else. And not because I wasn't thinking about him. But just because I realised how absolutely pointless it was. I know I still talk about this a fair amount. But I must just say, that it isn't as pathetic as it sounds, I mean. I don't sit and day dream about him. I just kinda feel like I wish someone had told me how awful it is to get your heart stomped on and squished into a million tiny pieces. And with me being as suicidal and depressed and just... generally unhappy as a person, I hope maybe someday someone will read this and realise that there is hope for the broken hearts club. I never thought I'd get over it and quite frankly, considering that a year ago I tried to kill myself over this guy, if I can get over it. Anyone can. They said that one day I'd wake up and the clouds would be gone and the sun would be shining and you know? The clouds aren't gone, but at least it isn't pouring with rain anymore. I would never wish this on anyone, except my ex. I still wish nasty violent things on him. Although I'd settle from him stepping in a pothole and breaking his leg... Yeah. Although. That doesn't seem quite harsh enough. I know this is going to sound a little bit weird, but I wonder sometimes if maybe I am psycho enough to actually be one of those females that snaps and kills someone. Because sometimes I feel like I could be. Okay, I can't even kill a fly because I feel too guilty about it. But I do sometimes wish I was a vampire so I could go kill him and everyone he ever loved. My mother said to me a week or two ago that I'm not a mean person. And I know I'm not, but I just wish I could revenge hurt people sometimes. I think its because I consider myself to be SO super emotionally sensitive to everything that I don't think I could ever hurt someone the way they hurt me... or that they could never experience pain the way I felt it. And its just not fair. Maybe I am psycho. A total bunny boiler. (But I couldn't even do that, since again. I feel too guilty *sigh*)

Peace & Hugs
Xo Xo

Saturday, December 22, 2012

What is it about December?

There seems to be something about this month that gets me in a little hobbit hole of my own... Not willing to post too much. Maybe it's because I don't really have all that much to say... Or it could just be that this is the time of year where I feel people are forcing themselves on me. I don't do Christmas... I mean. In theory I don't have a problem with it, but I feel very resistant to it, because there is an obligation to do things which is fake. My family wants to try and be happy christmas perfect family at this time of year. It is false. It is awful. I don't want to participate. In a lot of ways, I suppose that the older I am getting the more I am truly realizing that there is some serious fucked up shit that is going on in my head about my life. And the way that I think about or interact with the world... Not least of which the ED stuff which I talk about here, but other things as well. Such as my aversion to the holidays. I don't know... I wish sometimes that things that are easy for everyone else, like having stable relationships with people, would be easy for me too. WHY ARE THINGS SO FUCKING HARD ALL THE TIME. Anyway, so apologies for not posting for absolute ages, but thanks for your patience and continued support.

I am enormous.. and my scale got broken when I drunkenly fell on it a week ago, so there is no way of measuring how enormous I actually am. At the moment, what I need to do is get myself down a little bit before I shock myself stupid on just how fat I have become. Obviously, it is christmas in three days which means epic amounts of food. *sigh* I won't indulge. I am trying to behave. I feel optimistic about 2013. I mean 2012 has been such an epicly shit year, 2013 can only get better. Once I am beautiful and thin again, life will go back to being easy peasy lemon squeezy. Today, I've had about 450 cals so far and I may have some more soup later depending on how I'm feeling, so today is okay. I just need to learn self-control again. COME ON COCO SHOW YOUR FACE!! My goal for 2013 is to believe in myself more. Trust myself. I can do this. Not just my weight, just everything about my life. I am not useless, I am not useless, I am not useless and I can be happy.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Thursday, December 13, 2012

zZzZzZzZzZ

Holy fuck balls crap, I'm so tired. I can't even. Compose this properly. Thanks for all the feedback firstly on the new diet ideas. I actually think its so cool how we roll in cycles and at the moment it seems like people are get realistic about their calories and intake. Second thing I need to say is a thank you to Lovelylou for the protein advice. I have been trying to increase my protein in my diet, although I find it really hard. I'm not really into protein, but I will get some yoghurt in my diet... I really hate eggs though. Turkey. Yes, turkey. Lalala, I'm sure I was saying something.

I had yoga again today and it was boss. My arms are like useless little chicken wings, I swear. I am so weak. In the new year, I am going to get into indoor climbing as well, apparently this is very complimentary with yoga. but yes, yoga today was hectic. We did a few more balance poses which was great, my hamstrings are just not flexible though. So hopefully, if I can keep the practice up for a couple of months, I'll be able to sort that shit out. I actually started to get into the meditation side of it today, which is a first for me... I think I may want to explore. Another thing I also noticed what that the position of your hands during certain poses either grounds you (palms down) or attracts more energy (palms up). By instinct, I always go for more energy, because i always think that I want to attract more good energy, but after yoga today I felt really irritable... so in my yogi experiment, I am going to try and ground myself more during practice, instead of attracting more energy. Does any of this make sense?

Today, I've had 820ish calories. SO SO much, but hell. Its controlled and today is day 4 with no binges and I'm still feeling good. zZzZzZzZzz. Which consisted of a landslide of low cal hot chocolate, rice cakes and a lamb dish for dinner. So much food. I'm really not okay with eating this much. I feel like its just... millions, but I suppose if I'm not binging its okay. I'm sorry this post is so badly constructed. fuck my brain is turning off... no more caps, no more punctuation... just zZzzZzZzZzZzzz

Love & Winks
Xo Xo

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Like Rubber

Omgosh guys, I'm so mutha fucken stiff its insaneballs. I went to a yoga class yesterday for the first time in like... two or three years. And let me tell you, it was also the most awesome yoga class I've been to in the whole time I've been doing yoga. It was challenging. The one I went to before was very standard because it was a big class at a gym. This one is private and we actually did a bunch of really cool poses that are challenging and awesome. Bottomline, it made me feel fucking great. Just insanely great. I'm going again tomorrow morning and would like to try stick to these two classes a week. Also, I'd like to try and practice by myself at home on the weekend, maybe just once so that I can increase my flexibility. Because although I am still pretty limber all things considered, my hamstrings are crazy tight. Anyway, the point is that I am stiff as fuck today. And it feels good. So hopefully, tomorrow will be a similar ass kicking.

Today I weighed myself and considering how much of a pig I am, I'm still 62kgs. Which is about two less than I thought I would be. Today, I've had about 830 calories, which isn't great. But considering that I'm doing my back to basics, consistency rather than a few good days challenge, I think its okay. I am hoping to be back down to 55 in no time. Fuck yeah. Anyway, it consisted of three cups of hot chocolate (yes I know, but it was light and I needed it), 6 rice cakes and low cal, fat free chicken chow mein for dinner. And an apple. Wow, that actually looks like a normalish diet doesn't it? I'm okay with it being that high. And with this whole back to basics thing, I want to try and keep it under 900 as a rule. So I'm not going to freak out too bad. I think the aim should be between 500 and 900. I feel like such a huge fat piggy for writing that number 900!? Are you kidding. BUT okay. Here is Coco logic. We've tried to stay below 500 and it doesn't work for longer than 3 or 4 days at a time maximum. So if eating slightly more per day will stave off those binges, then it should be okay. I think this week, I will aim for the 800s. Next week, aim for the 700s. The week after 600s. You get the idea. So far, I've had three days of 600, 700 and 800 respectively, so I think that actually this is okay. Also, allowing myself to have pasta meals, like a proper meal for dinner has also been really good and promising.

Anyway, I could ramble on forever about nothing. Wow. I'm absolutely exhausted. As I always am. I have work to do, but I'm too tired now, so I'm going to go to sleep and wake up early and get on work then. I hate trying to push out work when I'm tired. Not least of which because I am recommitting myself to doing work properly and not half-arsing it like I have been recently. Got this in the bag.

Love & Light
Xo Xo

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hard Truths: Back to Basics

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about why it is that I am slipping and sliding so far backwards. After all the progress I made over a year, I've almost totally undone it. Well, not totally. But badly enough that I feel like a failure. I think however, I have come to the realisation that I'm doing it all wrong. My current dilemma is that I am too far gone to expect to have a couple days of fasting and then I'll be where I want to be. I need to reset my mind to realise that where I am now is about treating my weight as actual loss. I.e. I need to go back to what worked for me in the past to get back down to my 55 that I was four months ago. It is a very horrible and hard truth to have to admit to yourself that you have fucked up so badly that you just aren't skinny anymore. So well. The time has come. Revisiting this, I am determined to get my weight back down the way that I did before and this is how I did it. I ate, three times a day. I didn't try to fast every day or make everyday a juice or fruit fast. I just made sure that I counted calories religiously. And that's what I need to do. I also didn't stick to fruits or soups exclusively, I had variety in my diet. I remember being a lot better about it and I didn't only eat diet food.

Yesterday, in the spirit of this new acceptance, I had spaghetti bolognaise for dinner, which was a store bought meal for one, because I'm sad and pathetic that way. And it was 550 cals for the dinner. Which was all i ate yesterday, except for two cups of tea. So the total was about 600 for the day. Today, I am going to have a stirfry thingy for dinner which is 350 calories and then I'm going to allow myself to have something else. I was thinking maybe some fruit, maybe some mango, to punch it up to 600/700 for the day. My logic is, and was back then, that it needs to be slow and sustainable so that I don't end up putting on weight. I can totally do this. I used to eat a lot of canned soup too, but I'm not sure I want to go back to that. Anyway, I'll see how it goes. But at the moment, I can do this. I have to do this or else none of my clothes are going to fit.

In other news, I managed to get a start on my laundry yesterday. Number 1 of 3, although I think I may try and take it all to the laundry today so I don't have to do anymore tomorrow. This is phase one of my get ready for visitors plan. So laundry done. Then I need to clean, which I will do on Friday or Saturday. Tonight (and I'm so excited about this) I've got yoga. Which is rad, because its close by. I'm thinking of jogging there and back, because its only two miles, so not exactly far. I just don't want to arrive at the class all sweaty, so I may have to stop a little bit before I get there to give myself time to desweat. I'm almost on top of all of my work, but I need to redo my hair... which SUCKS, because my scalp is so dry. SO SO dry. and I doubt a whole ton of bleach is going to do it any good. Fucking hell. Being blonde is a lot of hard work. I think I can probably get away with it till January, but do I really want to be all roots in my holiday pictures, since I'll already be fucking fat. Fuck sakes. ANYWAY.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Saturday, December 8, 2012

It's Okay

Ladies, d'awww. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are all so concerned about me, perhaps my last post was a bit... vague. What I was actually referring to is this overwhelming feeling that I got yesterday morning that something awful was going to happen. The only other times I got that feeling were when I tried to kill myself. That feeling that you are one lazy footprint away from throwing yourself in front of a bus... or downing a bottle of pills. And as a matter of fact, I was quite close to this yesterday. Thank god for two things though. The first is obviously everyone on this blog. Not only did I get a bunch of comments on the post, but I also got a bunch of emails. Asking if I was okay, etc. And also, thank god for my sister. Her and I don't speak that often because we are both getting on with our own lives, which are obviously very different, but yesterday for some reason, she was very bored at work and we chatted the whole day. I sort of took the combination of these two things as a sign from the universe that I needed to man the fuck up and stop feeling sorry for myself. So thank you. Thank you to everyone. Sometimes you feel yourself falling towards the bottom of a very dark and lonely pit. In times like that it is nice to know that there are a few people at the bottom of that hole willing to let you bounce off of them. So thanks. Everyone. It means the world to me. And now I'm going to get drunk. So be expecting loads of self-deprecating posting later :). Cuz that's how we roll. I promise, I won't hurt myself again. :)

Love & MORE LOVE
Xo Xo

Friday, December 7, 2012

Today...

I think I may die today... I have this feeling. That today, is the day.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

JESUS CUNTING MIGRAINE!

I have had this godawful migraine all fucking day. And its the kind of migraine that makes you sleep and sleep and sleep and then when you've slept for 16 hours straight, you just wanna sleep some more. Fuck sakes. Okay, so today is tuesday. GOD WHY DOES TIME GO SO QUICKLY! JESUS FUCK. Anyway, I'm about to have a diet pepsi and go back to sleep. I have so much work to do, I may just do a little bit of it before I go to sleep... And maybe wake up early to do some more. ANYWAY. I don't know. I just want my head to stop throbbing. It may be a number of things, such as the fact that I have had like NO water in the past week, living on a diet of caffeine cigarettes and white carbs (VOM), lack of carbs for the last two or three days, i've heard that you can get a ketosis headache. But fuck that man. I'm not eating carbs, I like caffeine and cigarettes. So fuck it. Fuck it in the ass!

Today I have had about... 480 calories which consisted on a litre of smoothie and two cups of coffee with milk. Today was meant to be a smoothie day and that it has been. Tomorrow may also be a smoothie day, although I suspect I may be craving solids again. I have never been good on liquid diets because I like to fucking chew man. ANYWAY, my test shoot has been moved till Friday, so I just have to manage not to binge by then. I've also decided that I'm in super money saver mode at the moment, so that maybe I can afford to go home in January, which may lead to me postponing the skiing with my parents, but then at least I can go to my friends wedding.

I've been dreaming about my ex quite a bit in the last few days, but not the usual hate filled dreams that I have had, the kind where I love him and we get back together and everything is just perfect again. Its very weird, because I am the kind of person that attaches weight to my dreams - NOT SAYING THAT I HAVE PSYCHICLY PREDICTED THAT WE ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER - let me be clear on that. But rather that maybe my mind and heart are starting to let go of the anger. Even though I really don't want to let go of being so angry with him. I think if I let it go, then i will allow myself to be okay with him... and then what? I'm drawing a serious blank here. I don't want to be okay with him, I want to want to kill him. I hate him I hate him I hate him. But then, obviously there is something astray with my dreams. I will admit though, I still miss him every single day. MOVING ON SWIFTLY. My head hurts.

I must also state again. I am so deeply deeply thankful of everyone that comments on my blogs and sends me emails. I haven't replied to a bunch of them, but I will. I promise. (Again, I must state, I'm not proana - so please don't mail me asking for tips, because you ain't getting any from me.) I appreciate the love so much and the motivation that you guys bring. Its truly inspirational, even if I don't say so often... or reply to comments... or comment on other blogs. You all inspire me, to the max. And the funny thing that I am coming to realise is that the people I know through this blog are the strongest people I know. I know this sounds a bit... rude perhaps, strange maybe, but I think of myself and my problems... as really pathetic and weak. I think of myself as an overly emotional strange little girl that needs a serious attitude adjustment. But, a common thing in our lives (and here I start crying, such a baby Fat Piggy, I swear) is that we have generally been through quite a bit. Whether it is because of our EDs or our EDs are part of it, is like trying to figure out the chicken and the egg. I don't know. I know that most of the people here have gone through a lot. A lot more than the average joe. And you know what girls? We're okay... or at least, we will be okay. Because once you understand the strength that it takes to hate yourself, but keep going - I suppose you understand what strength and resolve are. :) So thank you. for that.

Love & Throbbing Eyeballs
Xo Xo

**EDIT: Please if I forget in the next few days, can someone remind me to have my rant about how disgusting I think Kim Kardashian is? I keep meaning to write about it, but I keep forgetting. Mostly, because it doesn't matter and I don't want to justify her pathetic existence with my ranting, BUT having watched the Kardashian reality shows - yes, okay I'm a reality TV whore - I love all the Kardashians except her pathetic, nasty, tasteless, styleless, FAT, disgusting self. FUCK YOU KIM KARDASHIAN! YOU REPRESENT THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR ON EARTH!!!**

Oh I'm just SO done.

I am just so over this constant cycle of binging and starving, and thinking about food, and wanting it, the guilt that comes from eating, the constant CONSTANT cycle of food thoughts. I am just SO fucking over it. I'm so tired. I was walking back from the station on Sunday night from a dinner with friends. We had a landslide of very sugary alcohol drinks, curry with rice and pancakes with chocolate. And mulled wine. You know how bad that stuff is. Fuck me. ANYWAY, so went to their place and ate so much. On the way home, waddling from my fatness, it occurred to me that between my busstop and my house, I knew every single place to buy food, every take away, every off license. And I knew when they closed. A small part of me was even saying, dude. It's 11.30 now, if you don't buy something now, you'll have to wait till tomorrow and then you will have fucked that day up too. I was like. MOTHER FUCKER. I am so tired of it. And it's not even a conscious thought process, its just what my brain thinks of. Like booting up a fucking computer, automatically goes to food and calories and weight. I postponed my shoot yet again due to my overwhelming fatness. Anyway, so I am going to stop binging. That's it. I'm over binging and its going to stop. At least in the way it currently is. No more goddamn binging. SO over it. Especially the attitude of 'oh I fucked up, I may as well eat Tesco'. FUCK THAT.

Yesterday, I had an okayish day. I had three diet cokes and turkey mince chilli. Which I made as low-cal as I could, but then ate the whole pot. Anyway, it turned out to be about 700 calories at the max, so that's also okay. Today, I am only have my juice smoothies, tea and coke light. The juice smoothie is Innocent and is mango, banana... something something. Anyway, my logic is that if I have juice fasts on this stuff a couple days a week, then it will give me loads of yummy minerals and vitamins. :) That's the idea ANYWAY. I literally have enough coke light to last me till the apocalypse... well. No, but I did buy a lot, so I will be okay for 'fullness' factor. You know?

Love & Juice
Xo Xo


Saturday, December 1, 2012

beautiful...

I've been trying to compose a post like this for a while and for the moment it still seems to escape me. Basically what I've been trying to say is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig thank you. To those that read and comment on this dribble. It means the world to me. I suppose it is great to have the friends from this blog, but also the random emails that it generates and the feedback from people. I've never counted myself as strong, but this blog makes me feel pretty supermanish sometimes. So thanks for that. Thank you for the nominations for the Liebster Award thing. When I can see straight again, I will do that post.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

1 Year Ago

1 Year ago today I tried to kill myself. And my thoughts today have been sad and plagued by my ex. Its so hard to miss him sometimes because i hate him and most days I don't miss him at all, but today I miss him. I dreamt about him this morning... and I dreamt that I met his fiancee and that she was fucking gorgeous. Everything I'm not. For those that don't know, a year ago I downed a bottle of pills and I guess that it was the beginning of the end. For him and I because it began the cycle of break up make up. I hate him so much, but I miss my friend. And even sadder than dreaming about him, because people get over people, I dreamt about my Roo bear - which was our cat, the cat that I left with him in Cape Town, because i thought that he needed my babiest bear more than I did. I miss my baby bear though, what an amazing cat. Anyway, so today I am sad and weepy. Days like today, I wish that I had never left Cape Town. Days like today I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Days like today, I wish I had Roy to cuddle me and keep me safe. He is the only person that ever made me feel safe from the world. Like I could get through all of this craziness that goes on in my head. The tragedy of course, is that I won't ever be able to forgive him. Ever. I wish I could have him cut out of my head. "You did this. Its your fault. Oh my god I'm losing it, get a grip Marshall". I am losing it. I still want to die every single day. If my life is not different in 1 year from today. I am going to do it properly. That is my promise to myself. I'm not going to be a tragedy. I refuse.

That aside, I have had about 180 calories today which has consisted of three cups of tea and two pears. Who knew that pears were so fucking high in calories. Tomorrow, I will be happier and go back to being strong. Coco is going to keep me upright. But today, today I reflect on the fact that I lost my soulmate, tried to kill myself and 1 year later, I am just as miserable as I was on that sunday sitting on my couch. I wish he was here. I wish he could be here without saying anything and just hold me. Fat Piggy falling apart today. 1 year, and just as sad.

Sadness & Tragedy
Xo Xo

Monday, November 26, 2012

Well that was different...

So a very long story short about my weekend which turned out to be an unmitigated disaster packed full of high calorie beverages and a couple of sandwiches later. Let me give you the highlights. Firstly, I have pretty much undone every all the good work from last week. I decided to get drunk on friday and then ate some chicken while out with friends and felt so guilty about it, that it literally made me feel nauseous enough that I made myself throw it all up. So, i suppose. I have now purged. But I won't do it again. It was just that one time. And what's funny is that I swore I couldn't actually do it because I have an iron gag reflex, as it turns out - I was wrong. I also started getting sexy with a german on friday until... and this is the highlight of the weekend. Until ladies, until I pulled off his toupe. i.e. his wig. Yes, a gorgeous hipster german 25 year old boy was wearing a toupe. So I shrieked an threw it about ten feet away. That was the end of that. OMG. Sex and the city moment much? Needless to say, won't be seeing THAT ONE again. Freaky little rat boy. My life is a farce. What can I say.

I had the most uncomfortable period ever yesterday, the first day is always the worst, but it was like this achy bloated disgustingness in my stomach. SO awful. So yesterday I spent my day flat on my back feeling sorry for myself, although family friends did bring my couch around, so now I have a couch which Gremlin has claimed as his personal jungle gym. Little annoying Gremlin. He has decided that it is too cold to go outside so he just dashes around and tries to sit on me while I'm working. Little Gremonster.

ANYWAY, I have had about... maybe 150 cals today. I don't want anymore. I had two cups of coffee with milk and I just made a salad which I don't feel like finishing. So, yes, that's it for today. I postponed my test shoot till next monday because I am too bloated and disgusting to do it. I told them I was highly contagious. An incubus of viral plague. so they rescheduled. Hopefully, I won't be so disgusting and bloated tomorrow so I can actually weigh myself properly. I looked like a pregnant bird yesterday between all the alcohol bloaties and the period bloaties. Fucking awful.

Love & Kittens
Xo Xo

Friday, November 23, 2012

All I want to do...

All I want to do right now is order a jumbo thin crusted quattro fromagi, fish and chips, pesto pasta and a trough of ice cream. Oh my god girls, it is literally taking all of me right now to stop myself from ordering it. I have been looking at the website that does these deliveries, mentally making a note of the things that I am GOING to order. And then, I try to focus on that shoot on Tuesday and the fact that I am five days without a binge. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. All I want is to stop wanting to eat everything. I can do this. Tomorrow is rugby so I know I am going to drink, so I can't binge out tonight. Sunday, family friends are coming to bring my couch round and then they want to go have breakfast, so I am going to be forced to eat there as well. I cannot binge. I cannot binge. I cannot binge. Today, I have already had about 530 calories and I'm not hungry. I had a pear, tea with milk, a small bowl of cereal and about a cup of pasta (without any sauce, I figured I'd rather have more pasta than sauce). So I'm still okay, no binging Piggy, Coco needs to keep me strong. THiNK of the shoot. This morning I was 60.5 so things are still going okay. I know I can make it through the rest of the evening. I just need to finish this paper I'm working on and then I can crawl up into bed and go to sleep. Once I'm in bed, I'll be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. No binging Piggy, Coco needs to be present for the shoot on Tuesday, no one wants to photograph a whale. I think I'm trying to talk myself into it. LOL. OKAY. I can do this. You can eat Pizza another time, but right now is not the time for weakness. Right now is the time for skinniess and self-control. I will break 60 tomorrow. Five days without a binge. I CAN DO THIS.

Love & Strength
Xo Xo

Thursday, November 22, 2012

News Anyone?

So... I have some exciting news. Which I will get to. But before I do. Firstly, today I was 61 flat! EXCITING. I'm hoping tomorrow to break the 60 mark. BUT I'm feeling all bloaty mcWhale again, which means the period is coming. Yay me. No, not really. Today I have had about 330 cals, which consisted all the usual milk from my hundred cups of tea and a turkey, spinach, cilantro, chilli, garlic and ginger stirfry thingy. Which was nice... But not that great. I think next time i need to use bok choy so that it's a little more crispy, cuz I think it is meant to have some crunch in it. I would use nuts, but nuts are so high in calories. Anyway, and now I am chugging down a litre and a half of coke zero. Dyou ever feel like you have eaten way more than you think you have. OH WAIT. I had a plum this morning. Okay, so that's actually... 359 cals for the day. All good. Anyway, so do you ever feel like you've eaten way more than you actually have. I mean for example. I was sitting putting in my cals on my calorie counter (I use Sparkpeople.com - also I like to look at the fat people, cuz it's like. inspiration for me) and I swear I was going... "uhhh what did I eat. no no, I don't feel hungry, that must mean I've eaten more - am I forgetting the heaping bowl of pasta I ate this morning... no didn't eat pasta... THERE MUST BE MORE" Its kinda like I expect myself to have cheated, so I go on little obsessive streaks that there must have been more calories. Even four days ago when I had a binge day, I had two potatoes, pesto pasta and cereal, oh and a bunch of peanut butter. All of that was only 1300 cals. And even though that is way high for me, it's still way less than still way less than the recommended calorie amount. I mean. It is times like that when I realise just how fucking nutter we really are, but then. Don't care.

The other thing today was this stupid friend of mine. Well there's a bit of a backstory here. Basically, I was friends with her in Cape Town only because I wanted to party and be wild and she was so desperate to be cool that she bought all the drugs and the booze. Not that we went crazy with drugs, but here and there when we took em she was buying. I'm not proud of the fact that the only reason I hung out with her was because she was paying, but it is what it is. Anyway, so she got hauled off to a crazy hospital and then rehab about two months ago. After having an affair with a married man, whose wife and child have now left him because of her and she got him hooked on drugs as well. ANYWAY, so now she has moved back to joburg and is going out with her ex boyfriend, who dated her for three months a year or two ago and treated her like shit and then kicked her to the curb once a better piece of ass came along. Anyway, so a week or two ago I gave her a 'harsh realities of life' speech, which was basically that she is being stupid going back to this guy after he treated her so badly. So then today she tried to start talking about him and I told her that I was going to discuss Tristan with her, because I am not supportive of their relationship, so instead of being judgy and saying bad things about him, I'm just not going to say anything at all. I thought this was a mature approach to their relationship, because I know it's going to blow up, because with men like that it always does. Anyway, so she deleted me on facebook and off whatsapp. Now tbh I'm not upset by it, because she is so annoying, but I'm shocked at her level of immaturity about it. I mean. I didn't say anything mean about him. fucking cray cray. Okay, so now I'm going to stop ranting about it - and I can't wait till she comes crawling back after he fucks her over again. Fucking stupid people, they think I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So, my exciting news. An agency, like a modelling agency, got my pictures from that test shoot I did back in May. And they want me to do a test shoot next week. :D :D So I'm excited. I mean, I'm three kgs heavier than I was by then, but I'm hoping that if I restrict nicely till Tuesday, then I will have lost atleast 2 of those three by then. I mean, I have 5 days to lose 2kgs, I can do this. I'm sure I can. I feel so insecure about it though. Like, they are going to be judging my bad hair and my bad skin and my weight, my untoned stomach. All of it. And I don't know what to wear... I dunno. I think I may actually want to try the modelling seriously, so that I can get some work and stick it to my ex. Yeah, bitch. Look what you're missing. BOOM. So I'm going to scour my Vogues and practice a few poses so I can be prepared for my shoot. I hope hope hope it goes well. But strictly 500 days till then. I have been binge free now for three days. But Tuesday it will be... 8 days. Wow, can you imagine being binge free for that long? Shit son. :D I'm excited. :) I think maybe I should do some situps and lunges just till then to try get rid of some of this jiggle. But I'm so crampy.

Sorry, this was SUCH a long post. Thanks for all the love and comments on my last post, has definitely given me something to think about.

Love & Kisses
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Curvy debate continues...

So, my previous post seems to have sparked a bit of debate. And a point I didn't mention in my previous blog, which I then mentioned in Judiths post is this. And i'll try and be brief, because I've been awake for about 31 hours and my brain hurts and typing is hard. My point is this. Modern society is saying that it is okay to be curvy. Cool. And that it is fine to be the average. My problem with this is that the average size woman is a size 14, the average female bmi in England is 27. Ten years ago it was a size 10. So if we keep adjusting our beliefs according to the average, we are in serious trouble. Because in ten years time, we are going to be saying that a size 18 is fine because it's average, no. I am a tall girl and I was overweight at a size 12, so yes the average woman is overweight. Now, we also know that obesity related diseases are one the biggest killers in the world. Why not give the kids heroine? It's a faster way of killing them. You wouldn't give a drug addict crack, you wouldn't give an alcoholic booze. And is food any different? No. We live in a now generation where we constantly want more more more and we want it now. We are a generation of people that are incapable of saying no. Look at the debt crisis, for example? Practising a little self-restraint is not saying that you can't eat what you want, it's the same as saying that instead of drinking a bottle of wine a day. have a glass. Yes, dieting sucks, but the reverse is a slow and painful death. We also know that we are biologically predisposed to getting fatter as we get older. So what begins as a size 14 20-something year old, is going to lead to a size 28 40 year old. As human beings, we have started to become more aware of self-preservation yet somehow suggesting that we stay at a healthy weight doesn't factor into this. It's economically inefficient to have an overweight workforce because of the illness related to execessive weight, the economy is going to have carry those people that can't work because of their weight, or who need excessive time off from work because of it, and later on it leads to early retirement and excessive medical costs. Everything about being overweight is bad for you. Not to mention the fact that is a generation of women bred to believe that they aren't beautiful. And ladies, no fat girl. Loves that she's fat. Well very few. So this lie that society tells us about how 'curvy' is beautiful, it's all a big. fat. lie.

Anyway, so this morning I weighed in at 61.5kg. That's progress girls. Getting back on track, today I've had a bunch of coffee and a lot of peanut butter, so about 550 cals is my guess, cuz I'm not sure how much PB I ate. Anyway, I pulled an allnighter with all the deadlines I have and now I'm going to bed. Hoping to see a flat 61 tomorrow. :D :D

Love & Peanut Butter (crunchy, duh.)
Xo Xo

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Curvy Girls

Something I noticed today on facebook is that there are a shitload of pages and groups dedicated to saying that curvy girls are better than skinny girls. And you see this more and more in celebrity culture, embracing their curves, this what is 'real' women look like. Now, yes, real women aren't skinny. I get that. BUT why oh FUCKING WHY is curvy all of a sudden a euphemism for fat. If you look at those sites, they are saying size 16's are okay. Dudes, unless you are like 6 foot, which lets face it - most women are not, then a 16 is overweight. So let's consider this right. Okay, so no one likes a skeleton sure. But saying it is okay to be overweight - are you fucking kidding me. Let's look at the health risks, apart from all the disease risk factors that are increased from being even slightly overweight, there is the strain on your body, the clear lack of concern for the food you are shoving in your pie hole, tendencies to overeat and the obvious one - no size 16 exercises regularly. Come now. The possibility that 'curvy' women actually have the correct eating and workout schedules is in fact very low. I'm so sick of current media telling people that skinny is wrong, meanwhile, flip through the pages of every magazine and the person telling you skinny is wrong is also fucking skinny. Come on. Talk about schizophrenic media. No wonder everyone is so fucked up.

Anyway, that aside. Yesterday turned into a slight eating day which ended around 2000 calories, which I suppose is better than 5000 but still. It was meant to be around 500. Anyway, not to worry. To mitigate that today is going to a 500-er. I have had two cups of coffee so far (seem to have gone off the honey part) and then am going to have two plums later and tomato and basil soup. All in all it should come to around 400. Then tomorrow I have big plans to learn how to make a Vietnamese salad. I watch a lot of masterchef australia and I LOVE it and in season 3 there is this kickass girl called Dani and her vibe is Vietnamese and all the food looks so epic. So I think I may do that with turkey, cuz it's so low in calories. I mean really. It's like fish. Cray Cray.

Love & Skinnies
Xo Xo

Sunday, November 18, 2012

What an Angry Bitch

... that's me by the way. I am an angry, angry person at the moment. Which is strange for me, because I'm not generally an angry type. I'm generally happy and upbeat. What the fuck is going on? Not only am I hating on happiness, but everything. Every tiny little thing is pissing me off. Not just pissing me off, but infuriating me to within an inch of my sanity. I want to shout at everything, everyone. I want to smack stupid people. I am just pissed. It may be pms, but it has been about two weeks now. And everything is still annoying me. I hope this is just a phase. Of course, I'm not going around acting like a meanie. I'd never do that. But beware my wrath if you piss me off. I blogged earlier about that masters dude with fuck all backbone. Well, he texted me earlier and started yacking on and on about this chick that he met and oh lawdy, he unleashed the beast. Now, I know that I have a valid point with him, because he is self-centered and manages to make every conversation about him. If I talk about myself, I get one word answers or he just ignores me. So I ripped into him. Even though I had a legitimate point, I don't think it was necessary to go as ape-shit on him as I did... but I did. And then after my little 'harsh realities of life' speech, I felt SO guilty. Because, I know he doesn't mean it. I also know that even though i want people to take an interest in my life, I am very evasive about their questions because I don't want to seem as if I am self-indulgent and whiney. Generally, I just change the subject. I guess, all in all, it isn't entirely his fault, but it still is and I had a go. Fucking ANGRY. *RAGE*

Anyhoo... Today I fruit fasted which involved two pears and four plums. Also, a landslide of tea. Which has resulted in 368 cals for the day. I know that it isn't as low as a proper fast, but it feels good to be feeding my body with all natural fruity goodness. My friend who is on the Dukan diet hasn't had fruit in months. I don't know how she does it. I ate protein for two days in a row and at the end of it, I was like a ravenous fruit fly. GIVE ME A MANGO GODDAMN! I think I'm more of an omnivore... a herbivore even. (Lol, maybe even an omnomnivore... when I'm binging) Anyway, going to weigh in tomorrow. Hoping to be in the 61's. which is so disappointing considering how much weight I've gained in three months, but I think that for people like us, there are constant cycles of gains and losses. I'm determined to make sure that this next phase of my life is a loss cycle. I have a friend from highschool coming to London in a month and I'm determined to be back in the 50's by the time he gets here, because the last time he saw me I was 59. No big. *YESWECAN*

Pears & Plums
Xo Xo

The Lies We Tell

I was sitting thinking at sparrows this morning about the lies that I tell on a constant basis... Let me back up though. There is this friend from home who is a masters grad engineering lecturer and he is hot as fuck. And he is a nice guy. We get along very well and all things considered, we are the same person. Narcissism be damned, but I have such an 'if only' crush on him. ANYWAY, the point is that we share our mutual misery for life and our heartbroken sorrows with one another. Last weekend however I was happily texting away and he told me he was with a girl. As in, he is seeing someone now. And that was the last I spoke to him. He has texted me since then, but I have just not replied. And the reason being, besides a bit of latent jealousy is that I am just not happy for him and I don't want to have to be forced to say the words 'I'm happy for you'. BECAUSE I'M NOT. I'm not happy for a friend who just had a baby (even though I hate babies GROSS), I'm not happy for my sister planning her wedding, I'm not happy for my couple friends and all their awesome christmasy bullshit. I'm just not happy. The only people that I am happy for are the friends that I have that have recently had their hearts broken. I want to talk to them. The rest can go get fucked as far as I'm concerned.

The bullshit thing of course is that we tell these lies all the time. Just because I don't speak to these people often, doesn't mean I don't fake happiness with regards to wedding planning - my sister and friend. I stay involved and I hate it. I want everyone to be as miserable as I am. I have a little notebook and since the split with my ex, I have filled it with letters to him. Things that I want to say to him, but I can't. And I tell myself that I hate him all the time. But sometimes I still miss him, he was my best friend. And last night was another letter to him telling him about this cat that I saw and how it reminded me of this one cat we saw with a friend that was like a ball of fur. ANYWAY. I can't exactly remember what the point of this post was, but it just does really suck that we are forced to constantly lie. CONSTANTLY for the sake of being proper. I'm not a happy person, I am jealous and envious and awful most of the time. And my reaction to the lies in my life was to move across the world. Oh ja, p.s. any australians wanna marry me for a passport?

In other news, today is the fruit fast, will update later to let you know how this goes :) But so far, so good. And I'll reveal my weight tomorrow, but I think it's looking good. NOT great. But better.

Love & Lies
Xo Xo

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Not Much

I have so much work to do which I have been monstrously procrastinating about, so it's 9pm on a Saturday and that's what I'm about to get to. BORING! Whatever. Today started as a fast, however in a moment of weakness I had a cup of grated cheese, so about 400 cals of cheese. With the milk from my tea coming to a fabulous 480ish calories for the day. Well done Piggy, well done.

As a bit of an update, Seether was fabulous. I met this lovely group of vaguely attractive and slightly older South Africans, which was lovely and they all seem beautifully responsible. I also got drunk, but not horribly. Enough to loosen up, but not enough to be embarrassing. I caught the last tube home and everything was fine.

I have also decided that my UGW is going to be 50kg now. 110lbs. I got down to 55. But that wasn't enough. This is the parfait time of year to dedicate ourselves to this. Tomorrow, I plan on doing a fruit fast. I have a bunch of plums and pears in my fridge that I needa finish. So that's the plan for tomorrow. One day at a time. Yes. We. Can.

Cheesies & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Excitement IN MY FACE!

Omgosh guys, I am so fucken excited. Tomorrow night I am seeing Seether. Which is a band... for those that don't know. They are originally a South African band that moved to the states and now they are fairly big... As a band. ANYWAY, so they are playing tomorrow night and originally I thought I wouldn't be able to get tickets, then I posted in the fb event and this girl replied, so I'm getting my ticket tomorrow and going to rock out with my cock out. Yes that right. I can't mutha fucken wait. Oh hang on Piggy, what's that thing you do when you're happy - QUEUE MUSIC *happy penguin dance*

In other news, Piggy failed Coco last night. After my lovely day of low cal eating, I cracked and had a late night binge fest which consisted of four bbq chicken wings, a cheese burger and two fishcakes. Not the worst, but definitely worse. If you know what I mean. ANYWAY. So today, I have been pondering a ketogenic diet, because my bestie is on the Dukan Diet and according to my research the high protein vibes makes you lose fat and not muscle... mind you not that there is any muscle on me. A true Piggy, all fat. Lol, a fat piggy even. AHa. Strange fucken mood that I am in tonight. ANYWAY. So I've been thinking about doing a protein rich diet. Only problem is that I have a number of concerns. Number one. Protein is super high in calories and I'd rather have quantity over quality if you know what I mean. In other words I'd rather have ten pears than two chicken breasts. And fruit is so yummy as well and on these diets there are no carbs including fruit. I LOVE fruit. mmm I could eat a pear right now. SAVE IT TILL TOMORROW PIGGY. Secondly, I'm always worried about my vitamin and mineral intake, so if I'm not eating veggies and fruits, where am I getting my vitamins from. I mean, this is me. I can't exactly afford to get depressed - otherwise there will be major binge eating and even more major cut-cutter-ing. *whomp whomp whomp* Ever make funny sounds just because you wanna make funny sounds.

Today I have a lovely svelte 487 cals which has consisted of about 150mls of fruit smoothie, two chicken breasts and coffee with milk. Tomorrow I think will be an all fruit day. I had a boat load of plums in my fridge and I want to be as skinny as possible for Seether. YES SEETHER *headbang*

Update to the Saturday boy sitch, I sent him a fb message suggesting that we do this thing in Kentish town on Tuesday called Bring Your Own Vinyl, which is basically chilled drinking with people bringing their own vinyls to be played. I mean. Awesome right? Anyway, that was at... 3pm? And I haven't heard back. OH well. You win some, you lose some. I'm going to start hanging out in Camden more so that I can listen to more live music. I love jamming to live music. *yes we can* I'm pretty manic right now (can you tell?). Manic Piggy O. V. E. R. and out.


Peace & Posh
Xo Xo



Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Minty Fresh

Today has finally been a good day. I have had 494 calories - WIN. Which consisted of two cups of coffee, a whole bunch of chickpeas and a mint yoghurt. Finally feeling like I am back on track again properly. Obviously this is just truly awesomeballs. I'm hoping to be back at 55 by New Years Eve. Because, that's the weight I was this time last year. In a lot of ways it is hard to believe that I have been this weight consistently for a year and that I haven't put it all back on again. Okay, I have fluctuated up significantly, but it is no where near where I started and that is positive. Gooooooooooo team. 

And the other great thing that happened today was that I found a coat. I had this beautiful New Look royal blue coat about three or four months ago and I left it at a bar, and because I left the bar in such a state, I was way to embarrassed to go back and get it, HOWEVER today upon random ebay browsing I saw the exact same coat in exactly the right size and everything. I am so fucken happy. Can't even describe, even though its just a coat. Tomorrow is laundry day though. Come on Coco get a brother through this. 

Haven't heard from that boy again, not since last night anyway. I'm going to play it cool for a week or so before I make a move. GOD I HATE DATING!! On the plus side though after all the heartbreak and hurt. I don't really give a shit about my scumbag ex. Fuck you assbag. ANYWAY. And just for the record, I HATE Taylor Swift, but this is such an awesome pic and she looks so skinny with such long legs. Also an update on my hair, it hasn't fallen out yet. SO YAY. I'm hoping that it will all be fine :) 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo




Monday, November 12, 2012

Olive Oil se MA!

OMG, so today, I have been totally good. I've had two potatoes and that's it. BUT I now find out that they were cooked in fucking olive oil, whereas I always dry roast things. Seriously, the oil doesn't add to the flavour much and I can do without the calories. ANYWAY, the result is, instead of only having 450 cals, I've now had about... Oh I don't know. LIKE eight-fucking-hundred. SIGH SIGH. Okay, silver lining. It's still under 1000 - which is fine. I'm going to do some lunges now and some sit ups. So hopefully that can get ye ol' metabolism a workin'. ANYWAY. Calm down Piggy. Coco is zen. WooooZaaaa.

Right, so in my dating life. I got a little news... Nothing special and not getting any hopes anywhere because he is bound to disappoint me. BUT. On Saturday I met a guy, who left really abruptly when his friend starting... falling everywhere. Poor girl - so drunk. Anyway, so after chatting the whole night, and nada. I was like, bitch please. I'm a modern woman. ANYWAY, so this is where it gets a wee bitty stalkerish, but bear with me. He lives with these two girls who are friends of my friend that I partied with on Saturday. So I found him on fb and sent him a message asking him out. Like proper girls. I could have died of embarrassment. I shit you not, I was writing the message going 'i'm a modern girl, I can do this. I'm just asking some guy out so what. SO WHAT are you CRAY CRAY - you found this poor guy on facebook - he didn't ask for your number, maybe he didn't want it. OMG stalker alert - jesus christ Piggy, just delete the message and move on. NO nO piggy, this is not a big deal, maybe he'll be impressed with your ballsyness." Anyway, so after tough talking myself back into it. I finally did send him a message and he replied yesterday with his phone number, BUT ladies, BUT - he used the word 'suppose' as in "i suppose we can hang" - this does not work for me. So I'm not going to text him, but then he sent me another message on fb, so I changed my mind. After all the bullshit with my ex, I think I've forgotten how to date... SAD MUCH!? Anyway, he is totally gorgeous and tall. And a civil engineer. Which is epic times. But then he seems like a party boy, and I don't know about that...

That is pretty much about as interesting as it gets for me at the moment. It's now 11.30pm and I need to do some work. SIGH!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Ironically.

This post is more of a miniature rant than anything else, but don't you fucking hate it how people misuse the word 'ironically'. I swear to fuck, the number of times that people misuse that word is fucking ridiculous. In fact, words in general. For example, I use relatively big words when I talk. Not on this blog mind you, but in general my language could be described as a little verbose. But fuck it dudes, it kills me when people feel the need to match that language and they do it badly. One of my good friends does it a lot and she just fucks it up like crazy mad. Like saying irrespective instead of regardless. In a lot of the papers that I edit for work, this also happens to me SO often. It sounds like African politicians are speaking - which you may think is a bit of a strange thing to say, but let me tell you. The way things go down at home with politicians is the craziest use of the English language, instead of just saying something in 5 words, it has to be said in like 50. It drives me fucking nuts. 

Anyway. In other news, tomorrow is the start of a new week and I'm hoping to do 500 cal days for the rest of the week. I'm so fucken broke as well. *sigh* Anyone wanna contribute to the money for Piggy fund? *rofl*. I wonder sometimes about those women that are professional girlfriends. I feel like I should look into that. Get wealthy playboys to buy me nice things. God. It's like modern day prostitution isn't it. HAHA. What a thought.

Words & Lyrics
Xo Xo



Saturday, November 10, 2012

Obamanation!

Wowee, it has been such a stressful past couple of days. Just a quick little post to say HI to everyone. I've been having a lot of breakdowns recently. Like little crying bitch fits about nothing. I even considered lo and behold going back to Cape Town out of aching loneliness. HOWEVER. I will not. I shall persevere. I can't let them get the best of me.

So firstly, let's say heyyyyyyyyy to the Pres, proving once and for all that it is true, once you go black you never go back! HaHA! No I'm kidding. I'm so fucking stoked about Obama winning, I can't even tell you. And legalising weed in Colorado and Washington. America, fuck yeah.

I'm still fat. Today I have had about... 700 calories. Which isn't too bad. I'm hoping to do a full on fruit fast tomorrow, although I have just been invited to dinner at a friends place, which isn't the best situation. I also have fucken chemical burns on my head from bleaching my hair. Fucking stupid idiot that I am. I decided to do it myself and it burnt like a bitch. I thought I got away with it, not even to mention that my hair is rather yellow instead of white, so now I need to go find toner. ANYWAY. And now I can feel crusty scabs on my scalp. Nice piggy, fucking nice.

Anyway, tomorrow I am attending a human rights conference at the University of East London. I'm hoping that it will feed my brain and I will make a couple new contacts through it. You know, saving the world one poverty victim at a time. Will report back tomorrow.

SKYLAR, I STILL CAN'T COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG! WHAT'S UP! And thank you as usual for all the lovely comments. :) I met my neighbours yesterday and the one seems to like randomly checking in. If I wanted to live in a sharehouse I would. But I don't, because I don't want to put up with people. Leave me aloneeeee mutha fucker. ANYWAY. To bed with me. It's been a long ass day.

Peace on Earth & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Whoa, such a busy week!

Whoop whoop! Ladies and gents, this broadcast is coming to you LIVE from Tottenham, London. It is dodgy, it is noisy, but god damn peeps, it is big and spacious!! Boom.

So basically, I have had a super busy weekend and week, getting stuff done. Lets start with tales from the weekend. On Friday I went out and got very drunk with friends. I ended up getting into a fight on the bus at 7am on Saturday morning who was accusing me of being racist. Basically, I was sitting on the top level of the bus and I was tired and drunk and the three of them surrounded me. And tried to talk. I told them very politely that I was tired and drunk and therefore didn't want to talk to them. So this dude, goes OFF at me about being racist. So I threw the rest of my drink on him. And he grabbed my hair. So I punched him. It didn't really do anything since I'm such a weakling, but I am starting krav maga. I am sick of being unable to protect myself. This isn't the first time I've been assaulted by someone and I've had enough. It is more than likely going to be just me for the rest of my life. And life is rough and if a mans gonna make it he's gotta be tough.

After this whole situation I jumped off the bus in the middle of nowhere and it took me ages to get home. I couldn't even go to sleep because I had to fetch the keys for my new place, so I ended up moving and packing my entire flat on Saturday without sleep and still drunk. I took a half a bottle of vodka for the bus ride home, so was even more pissed when I eventually got home. Saturday was a write-off. So so tired. But I'm here now and my flat looks like Chernobyl - and that is all that counts.

As a by product of being so horrendously hungover on Friday and Saturday, I ate like shit. Which didn't help the weight. It was awful. So now I'm back on restriction and its going well. I've had about 450 cals today, which is epic. I saw some cool malaysian recipes for various dishes that don't have carbs in them. And luckily, unlike chinese and japanese cooking, these dishes also don't have a shiton of oil in them. So I want to try and make them. Chilli paste, ginger and yumminess. Om nom nom.

Thanks for all the lovely ass comments on my last couple of posts. And I also want to thank some of the kids that have been sending me emails. It really never gets old to hear that you guys can somehow identify with all of this. And I LOVE getting emails. So send away. I have a couple to reply to which I will get to in the next day or two. I promise I'm not ignoring anyone :) Girls gone cray cray!

And if you are in the US - GO VOTE AND VOTE OBAMA!!! I watched this doc called the Invisible War, which is about the rape epidemic in the US military. It really confirmed for me that gender rights is something that I feel very strongly about. So I think that I am definitely going to commit to that for my masters. With the US system of court marshalling - over 80% of reported rape cases are never investigated and the rape victims are the ones who suffer the consequences by getting charged with conduct unbecoming of servicemen and adultery. I can't believe it. I have such a deep respect for the US military and militarys in general. I have always loved the idea of serving ones country, but after seeing this. I have a vastly different picture of the integrity of that institution. According to this documentary, 15% of the new recruits in the military have been charged with or convicted of sexual assault, which is three times higher than the national average. What the fuck is going on that women are treated like this? That men are allowed to get away with this, because the military is a nepotistic boys club? And even worse, the women are made to feel as if it is their fault for wearing skirts or running shorts. OR EVEN wearing makeup. This in unacceptable. If I do nothing else in my life, I am going to make sure that my academic career is dedicated to making sure that my gender is not used as a basis for discrimination and a historical means of oppression and violence against me. I don't plan to ever have children, but I will make sure that my friends and family's daughters will live in a safer world than myself and my sisters do. (OKAY - big rant - feel the PASSION! *grrrr*)

Love to all o'rrr the world & Peace
Xo Xo

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween

Happy Halloween :) ... and for the first time in my life, I haven't had a single piece of candy today, no chocolate, no junk food crap. Today has been a Coco filled day of about 500 cals with lots of lovely getting thinness in the air. I am going to do a proper weigh in tomorrow morning and hopefully the results will be lovely. I am having an overwhelming craving for meat at the moment... Like meat balls, or a big juicy steak with some rocket and parmasan. But I must persevere. No binging, no junk fooding. I have a friends birthday thing on friday, part of which is a hog roast at some restaurant. My goal is to not eat anything with oil and carbs. Hopefully by doing that and eating e'rrrrrr so little I will be able to avoid a gain. Also... there will be drinking for the first time in about a month. WWCD - What would coco do? She is going to stay civilised. Only drink white wine or whiskey and soda. And go home at a reasonable time, because I'm moving the next day.

DUH! Moving. In three days, I will be in my new flat. And the kicker of course is that I haven't started packing at all yet. Not to mention the fact that I won't have internet the first five days that I am there. Which is going to suck massive balls. BUT anyway. At first I was afraid...

Love & Coco
Xo Xo

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The disgust continues...

With myself that is. My legs are enormous. My face is enormous. My stomach is enormous. My ass is enormous. My thighs, oh my god my thighs. That aside things are going very well. Even in my immensely non-compus mentus state that I was in yesterday, I managed to stick to about 700 cals. Today has been... about 300. It has consisted on three cups of coffee (a landslide of tea), a plum, a petits filous and a whole bunch of asparagus. All things considered. It could have been a fast, but hell. I would rather have a low cal day than fucking up a fast, because as we always say - when it rains, it pours. 

In other news. I have managed to get through most of the work that I had to do today, I just need to conclude. I have to do it tonight though. But then it is still early. And then tomorrow, I can lie in and watch lots of awesome series. Okay, so my social life has pretty much gone to shit. But I have good excuses I swear. I am going to make an effort to get out more and do things that don't involve partying. I hate sitting here and thinking about how everyone I know is having an awesome time. And I am just lame. I work, watch series and sleep. I've really been thinking that it may be time to actually seriously consider dating again. But I'm not sure tbh if I have the energy or desire to find someone. I mean, I have become pretty good at being by myself. I just need to see I guess. It just seems like SUCH efforttttt. I'd rather have a bunch of good friends to go out and get drunk with. But since I'm still not drinking (3 weeks now), that's not really a solid plan.

I think I have a crush though on a friend of mine. The kind of crush though that you keep to yourself, because if you actually had to go there, it would spoil the whole thing. Like he annoys me immensely, but I love the idea of him. Keep that shit to myself... and well. You lot now. AHAHA. This post has been such rubbish. Enjoy my verbal defecation... which is gross. But you know, word vomit. 

Love & Filous
Xo Xo

Monday, October 29, 2012

Harassment much?

Omg - what was with this weekend and douchebag stalkers posting stupid comments on my blog. Hey guys, fuck you. Fuck you. fuck you. Anyway, so now the settings are changed that only people with id's can comment on these post, so at least this should stop this anonymous bullshit. Stupid heads. Its kinda amazing what some people deem their responsibility to tell people shit that they don't need to hear. It's actually kinda amusing. Well done captain obvious. Anyway.

mmm... What was the point of this post. Oh yes, totally failed at the fast yesterday so did one today instead. I'm already feeling a little bit better. I'm not sure why now all of a sudden I feel the need to fast. I remember fasting ideas used to come spontaneously in the past. Funny how it always evolves and changes. Still not sure where I'm going with this... I'm moving next weekend. I can't believe it. Can't WAIT to be out of this flat. But I have a lot of work to finish by the end of tomorrow and I've spent the day working, literally from the moment I opened my eyes. And now I have another huge project due for the end of tomorrow. I can't honestly wait to be done with it, because I have been moping through it. So its time. To just finish it.

I think I have decided to join a climbing ... gym thing. You know... indoor rock climbing, but I'm so afraid of heights. Thinking back though, it was one of my new years resolutions - to get over my fear of heights. So I'm going to take a beginners climbing course at a local gym. Gonna see how it goes... I suspect however - it may cause a fair amount of anxiety, but gotta carpe those diems...

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Fast: Day 1

I have decided that I want to push myself and fast for three days. I have never fasted for longer than 2 days on a coffee, tea, zero cal drinks fast. So I think considering how disgusting I currently am, it may be time to look into it. So today will be day 1. And breaking fast on Wednesday will also be liquid. So soup/juice fast on Wednesday. I think it works pretty nicely. I have had two cups of coffee so far today. And hopefully it will be a fantastic way to lose a quick 5lbs.

My weekend has been a blur of anger and marijuanna. Whatever. I'm hoping that this fast will cleanse and renew.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

**EDIT**
According to Anonymous, we all need a cheeseburger. Ya dude. *applause* that's exactly what we need. Haters gon' hate.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Pet. Hate.

Just a word of warning, this post is going to be bitchy and is not directed at anyone in particular, but HAWT DAMN heeeeeeeeeewey, this irritates me. I have a number of people in my life who do one of two things when it comes to their weight. Okay, all of these people are overweight/wanting to lose weight. So perhaps better to have clarified that off the bat. Now let me also just preface this by saying that I am generally a fatist. I.e. I judge fat people. And I'm not talking like 10 - 50 pounds over weight. We all get chubby. And some people really do like food and don't have a problem with being that size, so you know. Amandla. Good for them that they embrace it. But generally, I think that one has to have very little respect for oneself to let their health and appearance get so out of control, but I'm talking like. BIG people. Like, the kind that turn heads when you walk past them in the street. Big big people. I mean, firstly I think it is very selfish. People always tell me that my suicide attempts have been selfish, but slowly killing yourself by eating - how selfish is that? Not only are you killing yourself, but you are a burden on society, because overweight people are sicker than regular size people and therefore require more offtime from work and more doctors visits. In the long run therefore, regular people have to pick up the slack created by people who just can't control themselves. No look, I know that overeating is a disease as much as ana or mia are, but just because a person is huge does not make them an overeater. So the whole slow-suicide/economic inefficiency of being that overweight, really pisses me off. And yes, okay very thin people are just as sick, but more than likely than not, anos and mias are put in treatment, but the morbidly obese are just left to their ways. No no, this doesn't work for me. I mean. Get some help. Think of your family. Put down. The. Cupcake.

Anyway... what was I saying... OH YES. What my rant was actually about, although I feel like I've lost a bit of steam after my fatist rant. Anyway. The thing that these people do, is bitch and bitch and bitch and BITCH. And then for good measure they bitch some more about how they really want to lose weight. Now, one of two things happen that sends my head into the fucking outer reaches of the stratosphere. The first thing is when they don't understand how they are as big as they are. But when you see them eat, or randomly bump into them/call them - whatever, when you come across their eating habits its all normal coke and fish and chips. But for the life of them, they don't understand how they are so big, because they totally eat healthily. Fucking lying to yourself. And god forbid you say anything, because then you are the fish and chips grinch that stole their saturated fat and they only 'eat like this on special occasions' - now fuck me - but it seems there are a LOT of special occasions in their lives. The other thing is when people bitch on and on and on about losing weight, but they think that a hard day entitles them to junk foods. For example, someone that is on a diet and they have a hard day at work so they deserve a slice of cake. No, actually what you deserve is to put down that cake, realise that it is actually punishing yourself rather than rewarding yourself. And go for a fucking run. A diet isn't about reward. The reward is getting something that you want. It is getting down to a regular weight, being happy with your appearance.

I'm not imposing ana standards on these people. I do not believe that everyone should be a size 0, don't get me wrong. But I watch people, like I watched myself, be miserable and deflated about their weight. Thinking that they are the ugliest most unattractive pieces of nothing on earth because they are overweight, or they don't look the way they want to. Don't bitch about your weight if you aren't willing to do something about it. Because yes, it hurts you and the rest of us have to sit back and watch you make yourself miserable. Watch you destroy any hard work you have done because you believe you are entitled to have that cake as a reward. It just makes no sense to me. Whatsoever. Anyway, okay rant over. My basic point is that if you want something take it and if you aren't willing to take it, then don't talk about it constantly as if you have no say in the matter. You do. Just get off your ass and do something about it. Like voting. Don't bitch about the state of your country if you aren't willing to vote, because then you have no right to bitch, because you're too lazy to actually take time to have a say. Simple.

In other news, period cramps. OUCH! And still fasting. At 7pm it will be 24 hours. So when I wake up tomorrow morning it will be 36 hours :D :D YEAH BUDDY!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Fasting Forgetskis

So, as I said in my post last night I am fasting today and I am 5 hours in and I am already finding myself needing to blog about something random to try and get myself through it. It has been such a long time since I last fasted and I have completely forgotten how hard the first day is. I don't actually think it is because i am actually hungry or feeling lethargic, it is a mental block that I have towards the idea of fasting, i.e. i know i can't have food, therefore I want it SO bad.

Anyway, let me have a cup of tea and hopefully keep the willpower. Be expecting a lot of blogs in the next two days to get me through these fasts. Ladies, I think it's time to bring back the fasts. The time is nigh.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo




Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Plateaus.

My weight just WILL not go down. It won't go down at all. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to have to keep restricting before it goes down, but it won't. 500 - 800 cals per day is what I've been at for a week now and it is just sticking. Amazing how our bodies work. My mother sent me a message today telling me that she has been on weight watchers for a week... or two and has lost 1.6kgs. Mother fucker. I'm so jealous, I don't even know what to say. Fuck sakes. Tomorrow, I am going to fast. Only zero cal drinks, coffee, tea and water. Just for tomorrow. I don't really have all that much to add, except I hope that I have lost at least a pound by Friday. At least. I'm going out to that South African bar again on Saturday and I'd to look decently skinny before then.

So another milestone has been reached on this blog. 500 followers. 502 to be exact. I never thought when I started this blog that people would actually read it, let alone 500 people. I mean its crazy. I know that I am a social media whore... well. facebook and blogger most definitely, but I'm always so surprised that people want to read the dribble that is my life. Thank you as always for 14 months of unrivaled support and dedication to my bullshit. I'm currently looking around for some new blogs to read. So many of the blogs disappear or are abandoned, people go into recovery, etc etc and then we never hear from them ever again and the majority of blogs that I read are those that I found when I first started blogging and then as life has taken its toll over time, I have had less time to find these. Also, I find that certain kinds of blogs irritate me. And I've only come to notice what irritates me through reading loads of them. Anyway, to this end. A lovely young lady contacted me via email yesterday reaching out for a bit of support. She has recently started a blog after following ours for quite some time. I think its worth commending her strength in doing this eventually, I mean. It does take a bit of courage to put your life online. Especially considering the consequences generally of what happens if someone finds it. Anyway, here the link to Alices blog. Give it a look if you have a chance. :)

Anyway, GOOOO team. Please feel free to leave some blog links, I'd love to read. :)

Love & Hugs
Xo Xo

Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Joy

So, with my pattern of currently existing like a vampire, which basically has meant that I sleep during the day and am awake all night, I have had a series of very random epiphanies. Well, not a series. But you know. First things first. I have managed to not binge in three days. Today will be the fourth if i can make it. I haven't weighed in two days. Mostly because I'm very confused about when the best time to do so would be. Because my morning is at 6pm at night... Anyway, I have been awake since 10pm last night and am determined to stay awake till 10pm tonight so that I have a normal sleeping pattern again. I am literally living like a vampire. Like, going to buy my groceries at 4am kind of thing. So this means that tomorrow morning, I should be able to get an accurate weight. I expect it to be around 60 flat :).

Anyway, as you know. A number of things happen to people in the dead of the night. Firstly, late night binging. Which is why I'm glad I'm doing okay. Although to be fair, every day has started off as a fast day until about 3/4am then its like. I NEED to eat. Late night eating, you know how that goes. Second thing that happens is the extreme night time sadness. Why oh why, I ask. Is it that everything is just a thousand times more depressing at night. Anyway and the last thing is that I get to think in the still of the night. And what I have realised is that for the last year, I have never gotten drunk or high without doing so to get happy or to forget. It wasn't like when I was in varsity and we drank to party. Or just because it was fun. Now it literally is self-medication.Anyway and because of this, I am not drinking or smoking until I have found 'the joy.' And now. The joy is the one thing that makes me happy doing more than anything else. Now, I'm afraid this is where my explanation may become a little... confusing. Anyway, so check it out. All of the joy in my life so far has been about people. Boyfriends, friends, flirting, hooking up, being awesome, manipulating people, getting what I want. But now, lets face it. That isn't 'the joy' for reals, because as soon as those things go away there is nothing and I am miserable. And its not like I'll never go through another break up realistically, so I need to find 'the joy' that is objective and purely mine and no one elses. SO, in looking for this joy I need to find something. And the something that I am going to do is to learn how to sew and make clothes. I have always always wanted to learn how to do this. THE JOY dudes. It is time to find the 'the joy', maybe if we do then all the other shit that happens won't seem like the end of life as we know it?

Today was fabulous. I went to the newagent and got the November Vogue and sat in a Nero for two hours and read the heavenly thing. This was significant for two reasons, firstly - this is the first Vogue I have ever bought, because in South Africa it is imported and really really expensive. And second, it is literally 300 pages of amazing clothes, thinspo and fabulously skinny everything. It is an unapologetic ode to everything that us EDs hold dear. Unapologetic thinness. Thank you Vogue. Although, I suppose the irony in it is that we wouldn't be the way we are without mags like Vogue, yet we worship it despite the self-loathing that the industry has caused. I <3 Vogue. Until today, I only read borrowed copies, but now I am the proud owner. If anyone knows of a good sewing teacher in London, hook me up :)

Love & Joy
Xo Xo

Friday, October 19, 2012

To Anonymous

So this comment was posted on my blog earlier today:"This is not heathly for you or anyone reading.. To have flesh on your bones does not make you fat!! I've often wanted to be thinner but never skin and bones, hope you feel comfortable in your own skin soon and are living a healthier life because of it x on"
Normally, I would swear, but this comment although it hopelessly misses the point really sounds like my mom would have said it and even though the bitch pisses me off at the best of times, you don't swear at your mom. So instead, Anonymous, I'm going to try and explain this to you. 

Firstly, we are all. acutely. aware. of the fact that what happens in our lives, the things that we write on these blogs, is not healthy. We are not healthy people. The presence of absence of this blog is not to lose weight or cheer each other on, its a place where the deepest darkest secrets of my life don't ruin my relationships. Did you ever walk around wanting to scream something at the top of your lungs, but you never thought anyone cared enough to listen. This is it. I can also say these things and not have my family and friends put me on social suicide watch. What happens here is understood as it happens and not attempted to be understood by people who see EDs as a cry for attention or.. losing weight. I know that it may seem counter-intuitive by this, all of this, has very little to do with weight. When I was hospitalised last year after suicide attempt numero deux, my mother was enlightened - through eavesdropping on a conversation that I had with the psychiatrist in the hospital - that I have in their opinion, an ED. I didn't chose to tell her, she took that information. Who could blame her though right? The point is that even though that was almost a year ago, every time that I speak to her she asks me if I've eaten. And the result of that is that I avoid talking to her. Because I don't want to lie. I can't tell her that I feel like an enormous whale that waddled out of the ocean because I've gained 10lbs. Because then she says: oh but you're so skinny, and you're beautiful, and you've got so much going for you, etc etc. Does that help? No. It makes me feel even worse, because I am not that person. What I look like to her and the things that I have accomplished in my life mean very little to mean. I still feel like a fraud every time I talk to anyone. And that is why I have this blog. I couldn't tell anyone how devastated I was and still am about my ex, because they think I'm going to try kill myself again. The point is that people don't understand. They just don't get it. And instead of feeling like you are standing in the middle of Times Square screaming your lungs out, but no one is hearing you. I chose to write it here. Being skin and bones is not about the look. Its about being perfect and light as air. And to a certain extent it about punishing myself for the way I feel. It isn't healthy, but it helps me. But yes, Anonymous, I do also hope that one day I will feel comfortable in my own skin, because for 25 and a half years so far, it has never happened, but I am ever optimistic. I hope that makes it easier for you to understand. Because telling an ED person that having flesh doesn't make you fat is like telling an obese person that they are skinny. As far as the mentality goes, its a lie.

ANYWAY, so enough of that. Today has been an EXCELLENT day. I have had two cups of tea and two plums. And I'm going to sleep. Feeling fucking good dudes, not gonna lie. I'm having a bit of grief at the moment with a friend who talks about herself constantly. I mean, i have nothing to say because all I do with my life is sleep, work and watch series. I am too terrified of the world at the moment to even begin to want to leave the house. But it is what it is. And its like if she says something like, I have so much work to do. I'll be like oh ya me too, 12000 words to write by Wednesday, rough. She will immediately change the subject back. I know my life isn't much, but the complete disregard for me... its hard to take. Very hard. I am alone in this world truly... all I have is my blackberry and my cat. Sad right?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I need to stay awake.

I'm practically a vampire these days. At the moment I sleep from about 8am to 5pm. And then am awake all night long. I don't know how I got into this pattern, but lets say it has been a while since I last saw sunshine. So my new plan of action is to stay awake till 10pm tomorrow night. Which is 24 and a half hours away and then hopefully get a normal amount of sleep. And the other side of this story is that I am going to work till then. I have a really difficult brief that I am working on at the moment. I am determined to conquer it. So the next 24 hours is going to be a workathon. Punctuated by the run that I plan to do at about 6am tomorrow before I am too tired to do it.

My new goal is 50kgs. Which is 110lbs. I always thought of it as being too thin. But fuck it. I really want it. Thats 20lbs for me. To me. That goal is one month away. I can definitely lose that much in one month if I am extremely disciplined. Lets say realistically I can get there by the end of the year. No excuses. For once, I am actually feeling motivated. Lets set some goals.

Nothing further. <3

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

You know, without the stomach?

My motivation towards life at the moment is seriously waning. I have a bunch of work to do that I just can't seem to get into. Its like every word that I write is just a battle. My heart is just not in it at the moment and there is a possibility that this may have something to do with the fact that all I want to do is sleep. I slept all of yesterday, I slept all of today and now I am furiously downing coffee trying to stay awake long enough to write a paper that was due today. I remitted back to the client with some questions about the work as a way of buying myself some time... okay. It needed to go back because the dudes english is so awful that I really don't understand what he wants anyway. But still. I am NeVER this far behind. EVER. So all I can do is force myself to sit here. And try to bang out the words, but they are just not coming to me. I just want to go back to sleep and dream of a better life. Sigh. Fucking hell. What to do. WHAT to do.

I am going to start running again since I suspect that my need to sleep 24/7 has something to do with the fact that I am doing like NO exercise and endorphines and all that. But dudes, yall know I HATE exercise. Fucking. Hate. Exercise. But if it will make me feel slightly more awake, then thats what needs to be done. I need to quit smoking as well. But fuck man. I LOVE smoking. Its just so cold at the moment that going out for a smoke is agony. SO COLD!

In other news, I have managed to keep my calories today below 1000... about 700 so far I think and I am done for the day. I need to get this under control or the next thing you know, I am going to be huge and unresponsive. *cry* Backsliding, backsliding. Although staying alive and sane right now seems to be more of the challenge than keeping my weight down. I mean. I'm not gaining. Just hovering in the low 60's. Which is far too much. Far too much. Nothing to contribute. Fuck life. Fuck it all. Fuck food, fuck men, fuck Cape Town, fuck London. Fuck everything. Why is it always an uphill fucking battle. Over it.

Love & Drugs
Xo Xo

Emotionally Tired

I'm just so sick of falling apart all the time. A friend of mine recently started opening up about his problems regarding his emotional... well-being, which as it turns out are exactly the same as the stupid shit that I face. Last night I fell apart. The usual uncontrollable sobbing, cutting, drinking. The usual thing. And then again. Tonight, second night in a row, back to the tears brought on by hearing a coldplay song that I used to listen to on the way to my shrink in Cape Town. Queue the waterworks. Will it never end. The crying, the unhappiness. I just don't actually feel like it is ever going to be okay. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to the world. I feel like I will never be happy. Ever. I mean, sometimes I am okay, but it always comes back to this. I am starting to think that the best solution for me is to die. It just seems like this uphill battle is never going to end and I am just so so tired of fighting it. I am alone in this world. I lived alone and I think it is time to die alone. I'm just so tired.

Love & Tears
Xo Xo

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Elton John is ALL you need...

You know, when I'm having a shitty day, like today. Elton John is all I need. And what this involves generally is putting on the greatest hits album, cranking up the heating so that underwear dancing is possible and dancing round and round like Edie Sedgewick on crack to b b b Bennie... Bennie and the Jets. I can't say that it takes my problems away, but what it does do is give me a certain optimism about my life that says. You are not that sad. You are not THAT pathetic. In fact. You are just fine. And the reason behind this madness is because a friend of mine is in London for six weeks and instead of wanting to hang out with me, he wants to hang out with my bitch polish whore 'friend' who is an asshole. I say friend, because I don't know what else to call her. I spend weeks, months on end not talking to her until she has a crisis and then I put aside my feelings and help her out until next she pisses me off. She is a total control freak. Like, she gets pissed off if I don't immediately reply to her messages and tells me that she can see when I read my messages and where am I, what am i doing. She makes me feel like a dog on a leash. And that is not okay. Anyway, so last night we were all meant to go to a party together but I slept till about 4pm due to my lovely insomnia which kept me up till 11am yesterday. So she started screaming at me about not replying to her messages so I told her to go fuck myself. And he, he made plans to go to the party with her instead of asking me what I was doing. Now I know this is stupid, but a) he doesn't know her at all, b) he is MY friend and c) why can't she make her own friends. Anyway, so fuck them both. I blocked them on whatsapp. I don't care. And this morning I saw on facebook that they went on the new cable car by Greenwich which means two things, either they are now besties which I doubt. Or he fucked her. Which is more likely, cuz he is a dog. And dudes, I just laugh. Gross. She is desperate and pathetic and has always been jealous of my abilities to make friends. Because her friends are all lame and boring. Anyway, ELTON JOHN! B b b bennie!

And thats all for today. I'm going to fetch my running shoes today so I should be able to get my ass into gear as far as exercising goes. YAY! And I've also decided that I want to get some Thinz (I don't know if ya'll have heard of or tried this, but it is EXCELLENT) and live on weetbix 100 cal bars. Which means that I am going to allow myself 3 of these a day with some fruit and coffee/tea. I think its a great plan since these are fortified with vitamins and shit, as well as being carby and whatever. So it will all be good.

Love & Elton
Xo Xo

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Where are we from?

I sometimes get a little nostalgic about my homeland. i.e. South Africa... And I feel like a complete traitor to my identity for having left my home of 23 years to runaway from my problems to England. I mean. Obviously I know that I had to come here and had very good reason for doing so. But I feel like there is an inescapable part of myself that is missing because I am not on African soil. Things that the British will never understand, because well... I mean, I guess it is the same as me not understanding the fundamental Britishness that is here either. But I dunno. I mean, it is interesting to look at the stats on my blogger dashboard to see exactly where the people reading this blog come from. I mean, so much of the cultural idiosyncrasies that form our identity come from the places we live. Do you know what I mean? Part of what I learnt in law school had to with the use of culture as a means of identifying with one another, a culture which the Apartheid government tried to destroy in an attempt to stop uprisings. If black peeps couldn't identify with one another then maybe they would understand the 'greater good' that the Apartheid gov was trying to force on them. I.e. whiteness. Obviously and thank god this did not work. But, if you remove someone from their culture, from their home, do you take away part of their identity. I mean, have I lost part of myself because I don't like on African soil anymore... I would be very interested to know where my readers come from, so feel free to drop a comment. For example, one of my top ten readerships are from Bosnia and Herzegovina... Us kids of crimes against humanity need to stick together after all. But if you had asked me last year when I started this blog whether I'd have a readership from b&h, I would have laughed.

In other news, I have started my research proposal for my masters. Which so far looks like a completely feminist rant about the achievement of substantive equality through the use of collectivist human rights. Specifically focused on gender equality through reproductive rights. So basically, what I am saying. Is that because of the use of gender and reproduction as a measure of oppression of men over women historically, in order to achieve (what i call) contemporary equality, women have to have the right to decide reproduction on their own terms. In other words abortion. The funny thing is that I am not a feminist. But I fucking cannot stand that people think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives. And this goes for a number of things. Abortion, gay marriage, polygomy, veganism, animal rights, etc etc. I've spoken about this before. And even though I don't want to be labelled as a man hating feminist. I have every intention of winning a Nobel Prize one day... One day :) And in order to do that, I need to make a substantial contribution to the world. I intend to do so. My charity project, although stagnant is a starting point for this. As soon as I can get funding, I will be going to Kabul. I will get it going.

Er... I also signed the lease on my new flat today. I am so freakin excited about moving, but for now I need to do a lot of work to remain financially solvent until then, since paying a deposit etc is an expensive business.  I have had 330 cals intake today, but it seems that my weigh is completely stagnant. My intake has consisted of two Ambrosia custard pots and two cups of coffee (sans honey - go me) and a whole lot of coke light. Those custard pots are fucking epic, since I love love LOVE custard. I don't think I am going to go out this weekend. I have a fuckton of work to do and Sunday is out since I have a 'family' dinner with my London family. I love you all. Thanks for the support.

Florence & the Machine
Xo Xo

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A Perfect Script.

Vapid, vapid, vapid. Shallow as fuck. Part of what I spoke with shrink about is the exhausting aspect of living your life according to a script. Those were her words, not mine. But the funny thing is that they were totally true. And I've written about this before and I know there are some sympathisers. What this means is that we walk around pretending to be something, to look a certain way, hiding ourselves from the world in case no one understands. Part of it is the way we look. That feeling of knowing that everyone is watching you - going 'oh my god, LOOK at that whale', part of it is hiding things about our lives that are less than perfect. What is our obsession with perfection? She said that no one is perfect, perfection is an illusion. I'm not sure why this resonates with me. I suppose that everything we do has to do with the obsession with perfection, looking perfect. Dressing like a celebrity, partying like a socialite, needing to get straight A's or work promotions. Being the perfect person. And so this our script. We have to play along, because if we aren't perfect, then who are we? I am so incredibly flawed. So flawed that sometimes it bubbles over and I use the excuse of not wanting to be normal, ordinary or average as a means of explaining why I don't give a shit if people don't like me, or accept me... or are threatened by me. That they can't handle me. So fuck them. In reality though... I don't even know what the reality is to be perfectly honest. On one hand, I love fitting in. Just being a normal run of the mill person that doesn't have a funny accent, or a weird walk. Whatever. Its part of the reason that I love London... Because I am totally anonymous. On the other hand. I don't want to be invisible. I'm so sick of being invisible. I want people to notice me, which is why I dress the way that I do. Or why I want to be quirky and weird, and crazy. Maybe there is a relationship between the two though? Maybe, maybe I want to be noticed, but for being beautiful and thin. Instead of being crazy. and therefore being noticed for my flaws. Actually that sounds right I think. I don't know. All I know is that sometimes I wish I could sink into the floor. Othertimes, I wish people would see my strengths and in doing this we are living as if we were in a movie. Putting our best foot forward always. Or sticking to our repetoirs that we know work for us. Like everyone in the world is watching. Dyou know what I mean? Part of what my shrink said really pissed me off, but also I wanted time to process what she said. Lol, dudes. This is me processing :) 

Anyway, so today was a good day for eating. I had a handful of grapes, half a plum, some more of the stew that I made yesterday and coffee with honey. Me and my goddamn honey. ANYWAY. So today was good and this is day three without a binge. Goooooooo TEAM. Hopefully by the end of the week I will be under 60. I am going out on Friday night with a friend and I need to be under 60 by then. Problem is that the period is happening soon since today it felt like my ovaries were at a trance party in my stomach. YAY bloating. I don't want to be fat on friday. Fucking sigh. FUCK YOU MOTHER NATURE. What if mother nature is in fact a man? I mean. We all assume that whatever god is out there is a man. Why must the man be almighty and the woman be nurturing. This makes no sense. Lol, maybe from now on I will call it Pappa Earth. FUCK YOU PAPPA EARTH. Ahaha. Goddess, at least I make myself laugh. Sometimes my script goes from tragedy to romance, romance to drama, drama to comedy. What a fucked up movie it would be. Although, perhaps I'd prefer my life to be a West End musical. *ramble ramble*

Lies & Drama 
Xo Xo