Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ideal Weight BULLSHIT!

According to my ideal weight is between 127 and 155. What a bs lie. 155? Fat. Where I am now, 147 is FAT. Ridiculous how people are trying to sell this curvy is healthy rubbish. BULLSHIT.

Yesterday I had around 800 calories. Which I was fine with, consisted of tomato soup, an apple, a salad (vegan meat strips, tomato, lettuce, fried mushrooms (no oil or butter) and guacomole (avo & cottage cheese)) & then I cracked and had a cup of horlicks made with hot water and a splash of milk. According to the calorie tracker I use, I consumed 616 calories, but I think that's wrong, it was a really big salad.

Still no word on my scales, kitchen or bathroom, and when they are arriving. I just emailed the seller to convey my immense irratation that they haven't arrived yet. I don't think he understands the seriousness of the need here. I am getting pretty desperate, although I am going to visit a friend later and she has a scale I think, so I will probably be able to weigh myself there. I am going to take my measurements tomorrow. See how it goes. Fingers crossed.

So far today I have only had a cup of coffee with about 20ml of milk in it. I am going to eat 2 apples and an orange today and probably more soup for dinner.

I have been considering putting up a bit of reverse thinspo, but those pics really make me a little bit nauseous. I noticed today that my neck and face looks thinner, but my stomach, back, thighs and arms are still like a man. So today is MODEL thinspo - WOOT!

Peace, Love & Respect
X o X o

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Doing well... Kinda - NEW SCALE ARRIVES SOON!

 I feel like death on a fucking pony. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HORRIBLE! My ex arrived in town and we had a great time partying until around 9.30 this morning. My BF is not impressed with me and I feel horrible and I have not slept yet except for two measly hours when I got home. It hurts to think and move and breathe and be alive. I am SO hungry but it's too much effort to get out of bed and walk down to the kitchen. Simply too too much effort.

On the plus side, I got an email from the guy that I bought my new glass scale from and it should be arriving soon. Hopefully by the end of the week. I will be very very good with my intake and maybe when it arrives I will be down to 140lbs. OMG. I can't even imagine how awesome that would be. Wow. 140. My lowest weight so far is how much I currently weigh, so even though 140 is no big deal. It is a milestone for me. I was reading a blog earlier and the girl that wrote
this magical thing started at over 40lbs higher than her current weight. I have so much admiration. I hope when I look back at this in a year or two, I will look at it from a size zero dress :D

I was super good yesterday and didn't eat hardly anything. As I said yesterday, I am not going to fast, but I am going to limit my intake. I definitely know that I want to keep it above 500cals. But... anyway. So yesterday I ate: 3 apples and a portion of tomato soup. THAT's IT. Although I did go out and drink 4 shots of jack daniels and two glasses of red wine. Early this morning I drank about 6 fl oz of beer. And today all I have had so far is an apple. I think I will have a bit more soup later (cuz I made extra) and maybe something else, because I really don't want my intake to be SO low. There is only about 200 cals in a
portion of the soup, so it's not really enough.Maybe I'll roast some mushrooms - zinc right?

X o X o

Monday, August 29, 2011

Some Thoughts on Recovery

I read an interesting entry on another 'weightloss' blog by a very brave girl from Long Island who after getting pregnant and having certain realisations about life is now committing to stop starving, binging and cutting. I think this is fantastic. I still am deeply committed to my weight loss and still have a long way to go, but I have been thinking that maybe I should try to be smarter about this.

The time I have in mind to get to my goal weight is the 7th of October. I have 38 days to get to my goal weight. 38 days for 15lbs. That's 1lb every two days. I can totally do this. I have decided that I will not fast anymore. Instead, for the next week I am going to only eat liquid food (soup essentially) and three apples a day. I am going to try keep my intake between 500 and 700 calories per day.

The event is a music festival and always at these things, it is insanely hot bikini weather and I will be damned if I don't get to wear one this year. I don't think my bf will understand the eating thing, but if he sees me eating soup at least then he should be alright with it. I mean at the end of the day - it is my body and I
will damn well do what I want with it. I managed to get in a decent amount of exercise this weekend. Two hours of hiking on Saturday and an hour and a half yesterday. So today I am going to focus on working out my arms and maybe go for a run a bit later, although I am still feeling sniffly. Next week I have an internship at a rather large company who I am hoping will hire me next year, so need to look beautiful for that either. No one is going to hire a fat slob.

AND my rant for today is the mother fucking guy that I bought my scale from hasn't shipped it yet and it looks like it is going to be at least another week before it arrives. I am starting to get quite anxious. I haven't weighed myself in way over two months and I know that my stomach is looking fat and horrible. I bet I have gained at least 5lbs. I sent him an email and everything so that he can hurry the fuck up, but he hasn't responded. I think I shall send him another one.

I miss being single. So much. The thrill of the chase and meeting new people and just generally going a little bit crazy. Going out, getting drunk, meeting new people, ending up at strange places at strange times of day and night. I miss it so much. But I do love boyfriend, I guess it's just sacrifices that you make. Like fatty lovely tasting food - but my body is stronger.


Saturday, August 27, 2011


 I fucked up. So badly. And all because of marijuana. Yesterday I was supposed to be fasting, but instead I got high with my boyfriends brother and then we went out for dinner. What a mistake. When I'm drunk or high - no holds barred. So for dinner - 3 glasses of white wine with soda water i.e. a spritzer, 6 slices - yes 6 of a brie, blue cheese & fig pizza, a chocolate brownie WITH ice cream. Then we stopped to by cigarettes on the way home and even more stuff - pringles, chocolate, peanut brittle, nougat. I'm so ashamed. Then after that it was eating yoghurt. This morning I woke up with the most insane stomach cramps and diarrhea, at least I didn't have to take laxatives, because my body feels poisoned. Like it couldn't handle all the horrible fat nasty disgusting shit that I put in it last night. God, I feel like such a pig. But I didn't even think about it, and once I had the pizza I kinda thought that i'd come this far eating all this horrible shit that I may as well have what I want a purge later (which I didn't and I'm thankful for).
 Today is a new day and I'm leaving my disgusting shame in the past. Today instead of starting the ballerina diet, I was planning on fasting, but we are going to this awesome dub party tonight and there is going to be some drinking involved, which means that I must eat something. Or not drink. I am torn between the two. I will make a decision later, but I am going hiking later with friends, so that will be a solid 3 hours of exercise on a mountain. So if I keep my intake down very low today, it will be fine. I think I'll do a liquid diet today.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I was so ashamed I contemplated not writing this blog, because my shame is out there for everyone to see. Thank god my new scale hasn't arrived yet and I have at least another two days until Monday to be good with my intake before I weigh and measure myself. If I am really good today and tomorrow then it should be fine. And I read somewhere that if you intake in drastically higher for just one day, then you won't put on anything. This is probably a lie.

Thinspo for today is Kate Moss. I think she is probably my thinspo icon. I think she is just perfect. Except she is short so I can't compare myself to her really. But I think she is amazing. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Damn right. I love that you can see her bones and her cheek bones are amazing. She also has that bobble head thing happening which I love.

I wonder how long it is going to take for my scale to arrive. It feels like forever. I want to work out so hard today and dance my ass off tonight. Having thought about this quite extensively for the past few days, I don't think I have an ED. I just think that I am obsessed with my weight and the way I look. I can eat and it doesn't cause me massive anxiety. I don't want to die from being thin, I just want to look like a model - thin. And it's just about control really. Some people have more of it.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Mincing Words... Like a FAT PIG!

Oink! Fucking OINK!

I was doing so well yesterday... I had about 600 calories total and that was at the end of the day. And then came the phonecall from my friend and I started nibbling on the phone. A chunk of baguette with cottage cheese (CHEESE!) and about 3 tablespoons of peanut butter. WAY over 1000 calories. FAT motherfucken' PIG! It's almost 3pm now and I haven't eaten a thing so far. I am sick, so I probably shouldn't fast. I will only eat if my boyfriend notices. He has become increasingly suspicious of me not eating. And there really is only a certain number of times you can say 'I had a huge lunch just before you came home.'

My thinspo of the day is Victoria Beckham. Because she has had children, popping on out shortly and she is always so skinny. And so chic as well. I wish I could wear what she does. The nobbly bits on my colar bones are starting to stick out. I am very proud and impressed. If I lift my arms I can see my ribs. So much nasty fat
there though. I have an issue with my stomach that it canvasses fat and just won't fucking let go of it. It's like
this tyre around my waist that just won't fuck off. I can't do any exercise, like cardio, because I'm sick, so I have been lifting weights, but I feel quite weak, although with the feast that I had yesterday I don't understand why I am STILL feeling weak.

I used to blog on when I was coming down from a much higher weight. But now that I am slim, people are telling me that I am ungrateful for my weightloss. As if weighing a nice fat 147lbs is something to be proud of? I have tried every crash diet under the sun, I have also tried every diet that claims to work. The diet that actually helped me lose weight was to stop eating. I went through a difficult break up last year and I didn't eat for two months. I lost about 30lbs. Of which I put on some of it. Fucking pig. I have tried eating 'healthy' foods and cutting down calories to 1500 per day. I have 
tried excessive exercise with a normal diet. I have tried atkins, dukan, the zone - all of that shit. The only one that actually worked was ABC. I don't want to cut my intake as drastically as the ABC, because I need to focus at school - this is my last year and little food makes it difficult to concentrate. Also, it is impossible to fast with my family and boyfriend looking over my shoulder all the time.

I recently discovered the Ballerina Diet. Because I am tall enough to pass for one (the only thing I like about my looks, is that I am tall). Basically, you eat a lot of soup (duh.) and all your portions that you want to eat - you cut in half. So only eating half of what you originally wanted. No sugar or fats. And lots and lots of green tea. I do lie green tea, the caffeine makes me shaky and nauseous though, so I have to watch it.

I am totally going to start this diet from tomorrow, because today is my fasting day. My bestfriend is getting increasingly annoyed with my weight
loss, because she has always been thinner than me and she has also been
 the goal weight that I want of 131lbs (UGW 121lbs). She's getting irritated with me, because while I am getting thinner - she is just getting bigger. I don't like to think of it as fat, because she is my friend and I love her. Fat is such a loaded word and I am fat and I hate myself. I don't want to put that on her. HAHA I just yawn and put my hands on my ribcage and I can feel the individual ribs without having to push too hard.

I am trying to be so good and not measure myself until I get my new scale, which I bought online yesterday. I wonder when it will arrive... I CAN'T wait. So I thought, i'd be really good and not measure myself and eat soooo little (just enough to not pass out/stay alive) and then measure myself and weigh myself all at the same time. Hopefully I will be down to 140lbs by then. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

In other news, my legs no longer touch when I stand. I also noticed
that I have the most horrible flabby disgusting PIGGY fatty bits in my inner thighs ever. I have been sitting with a ... ball thing between my legs for almost an hour now squeezing my legs together - apparently this helps to tone the inner thighs, but I know the only way to get rid of that disgusting PIGFAT is to cut at least another 200 calories. Not to mention my arms.

Every weekend I have the same dillema, because I don't really go anywhere besides varsity during the week and even then I wear baggy jeans and hoodies, because it's early in the morning so who gives a shit. But on weekends when I go out I need to look as skinny as possible. And I always feel a little bit bummed if none of my friends notice if I have lost weight. I bet they are fucking jealous that's why.

Anyway, I guess that is all for my rant for now. Fingers crossed that my fasting day goes well. It's been a while since I last fasted and my stomach is already making crazy noises. I like the noises though. And it's a really cool feeling. Like a little fatty thing dying in there. Haha, fuck you stomach. I'm in charge! Peace out! X

Thursday, August 25, 2011

To Begin With...

I have never been thin. Ever. The weight that I am currently is the lowest I have ever been... Not very impressive. I have never seen my ribs or my hips sticking out. I have never looked at my body and thought good things. I hate my body. I am tall, so if I'm not thin then... I'm a Sasquatch? I have been keeping to a low calorie diet of below 1500 calories to have gotten this far, but it's not working and it's not enough. I don't believe in healthy lifestyles and exercise nonsense. I believe calories in need to be as low as possible. I have tried every diet. And here I am. From now on I will be eating less than 1000 calories per day, inclusive of liquids. I will exercise as much as possible. My new scale arrives tomorrow (the other broke, probably from having my unfortunately large self on it every day) and I will be measuring myself once a week.

Giselle has the most awesome body and is beautiful - I think. Wouldn't mind looking a little more like her. Definitely want her stomach.

Can't imagine what it would be like to not mind if people saw me without full cover-up clothing on and I was happy with the way I looked.