Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Masturbator

This post is definitely going to be a little off piste. James, the guy from my office with whom I casually hung out naked - last Friday, I was feeling a little frisky #PiggyWantsTheD and mentioned that I might be keen to hang out the night before Paris. He came over, we took more pills - nothing happened (besides me missing my flight the next morning like a mug). 

Now - let me interject here for a minute, because this is the segue that makes my point. For those reading this who work in an office - I've mentioned before how there are certain stereotypes which always creep up, no matter what company it is. Now, you know the creepy guy in the office who makes awkward eye contact and prides himself on being a gentleman - the guy who takes bathroom breaks that are a little too long, a little often - you just KNOW he's rubbing one out in the bathrooms - the office masturbator. 

James is the masturbator. 

In addition to which, he took viagra on the DL while we were hanging out (I saw him taking it and called him out). For what conceivable purpose, I'm not sure. I'm also not sure why I found it super repulsive that he took it anyway. And the next morning to get rid of him, I made up an elaborate lie about needing to go to Borough Market (by myself), to get pork shoulder (by myself), to make pulled pork (by myself) - just to get him to leave immediately. This involved a round trip on the tube which took about 40 minutes, but I ditched him in the end. 

I'm 67.8kg today. The lowest I've been in at least six months. I'm sure the masturbator will love the skinny dress I'm wearing today to go with my skinny feeling. Now that I've broken 68, it's time to get to 65. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Friday, April 22, 2016

Just To Clarify

My life does not revolve around men - even though I entirely acknowledge that on this blog, it kinda sounds like it does. Men - to me, are a distraction and something to play with. Well most of them, I do sometimes get hurt, but after Roy, no man can really hurt me anymore and little bruises are par for the course, I think. 

James, for example - is a distraction and a fun hobby. I like being chased and I don't have to worry about fobbing him off, because he's leaving in the end anyway. A bit of sexiness, why not. He is also definitely only fling material - he tries to impress me now. I can see that he does it. He didn't go to university or anything (not that I care at all), and is obviously insecure about that fact. Like it means that he's not smart enough of something - obvious bollocks. 

This morning I weighed in at 68.4kg - obviously amazing. Yesterday I had 833 calories. So pretty happy with that. I need to lose less than a pound to meet my weekly -1kg goal. Trouble is a cheeky weekend trip to Paris - home of pastries and *weep* macaroons, from Saturday. I can do this. I can go to Paris and live in coffee. #watchme  

Peace & Pastries
Xo Xo 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

I Keep Getting Stoned

The result of which is that I have not been posting, because I come home, get stoned and flumph in bed till I fall asleep and then I'm doing the same thing daily. This is what happened...

I started my new job and they introduced me to James, who - as it turns out - sits almost directly in front of me - he's my awkward eye contact person. You know that person in the office who happens to occupy the exact space that your eyes naturally come to rest on while you are thinking. Everyone in every office has one. I saw him and extended my hand which he took, and we stood there holding each other's hands not really saying anything. My eyes were glazing over as I was just kinda mesmerised. It's not that he's hot or particularly good looking. He's one cheeseburger away from disaster - if you know what I mean - a little chubby, but not chubby. He's obsessed with food and weight loss like I am - allegedly he used to weigh 18 stone. (WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS IN METRIC - whoever decided that a stone is a worthwhile unit of measurement can suck my dick.) He is tall, about 6'2'', I'd guess. With a shaggy, but short blonde heard and blue eyes. He's a gentle soul also, sweet and soft spoken - the kind of guy who'd happily go down on you for hours and claim to enjoy it. (CRUDE PIGGY, SO CRUDE, you know what I mean though.) 

Anyway, so there has been a vibe with James from the beginning and on Friday last week we ended up in the pub getting battered on vodka and gin. He told me that he has these pills (*wink wink* you know THOSE pills) - so we decided to go back to his and take these pills. 

Hold up - before he did that, he spent a lot of time telling me how he's previously hooked up with men and how he really enjoys "pleasuring" his partners - I mean, okaaaay, I'm in. I could see where this was going and I didn't hate it. I was also feeling skinny because my starvation efforts are yielding results, so I wanted to get a little freaky (let's not mention that my lady garden has last seen a wax strip in a while, so that precludes me from just whipping it out). 

As the pills started to kick in, I climbed on top of him and so began a truly beautiful experience of touching (not in a sexy way #bushissues) - his beard, his hairy chest (yes, it wasn't awful), his face, his hair. We had a bath together, we slept next to each other - no funny business. 

The next morning, I woke up ILL - more to do with the landslide of vodka on an empty stomach than the pills. I vomited bile three times, took an Uber home and ordered a bag of weed. There was no way to survive otherwise. And this is how I came to - not only be involved in an affair with a man from work, but also how I came to have another enormous stash of weed which has precluded my posting. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my story of James. The kicker is that he is going travelling in New Zealand and Australia for two years, leaving in about six weeks. 

I am on track with my weightloss, today being 68.9kg - the goal is to be under 68 flat by Monday. Kicker - I'm going to Paris on Saturday, BUT my challenge is to restrict the whole time there and get loads of steps in. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I Texted Colbey

Oh yeah I did... I'm not sure why I did it, but it wasn't anything crazy, a simple "Hey Col, how's it going?" And he didn't fucking text back, but I did unblock him long enough on facebook to see that he had a pretty bad skiing accident a few weeks ago - karma is a bitch, mutha fucker. And yes, that's a horrible thing to say. No, I don't give a fuck. Lena Dunham taught me that deep down, we are all terrible people and that it's okay to be awful. I embrace my awfulness. I don't care. 

I'm not awful. 

Never forgive, never forget. 

Anyway, my goal this week was meant to be sub-70, so that I could be sub-69 by Monday. I'm on track, I think. But it's Wacky Wednesday tomorrow, which is a burger night that my South African friends go to every week, but tomorrow I've now said that I will join. If I have the smallest burger and fries, it will be about 800 calories of food. So I want to try and keep my day as low as possible. 

I've had about 800 cals today. Which is fine. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, April 10, 2016

People I Admire: Lena Dunham

As an aspiring writer - I say 'aspiring' because aside from the content I discuss on my professional blog and the content on this blog, which I do not consider to be real 'writing', I have not actually written anything - I am currently, and have been for the last six months, looking for a mentor. Someone who can teach me how to be a real writer. When one also adds to this the fact that I don't actually like reading, mostly because there is some inherent arrogance that exists in me as a person that what I think is actually far more interesting than anything anyone else could write. This of course if simply not true, and recently having recognised this, I have been reading a lot more than normal - and this in true 'real life' fashion has led me to reading Lena Dunham's book, Not that kind of girl. 

Now let me preface this by saying that the only things that I knew prior to reading this book about her, was from her series on HBO, Girls and what I've seen about her as an advocate for loving ones body. What has always really resonated with me about her, incidentally has nothing to do with the fact that shes a pro-body lover and I'm an eating disordered maniac - although most who reads this may assume that this is the biggest commonality between her and I. (As someone with an ED, we all know that no matter how many 'real' women love their bodies, this is something which doesn't interest me as general rhetoric.)

This is going to be a long blog. 

What I really admire about her is that she is completely independent simultaneously completely codependent. Her book is, what she describes as a collection of essays. A collection of seemingly random, yet expertly arranged random stories of her life, organised under a number of themes that would appear to be topical in their relevance to all the struggles of modern day, 20-somethings in the big city. The way that these events are described - with complete honesty - is the thing that totally intrigues and inspires me. 

This blog is what I would describe as the most honest public version of myself. No one I know reads this blog, and although over the years that I have been writing this people I know have found/seen it - for the most part the thoughts that are on here, I would consider that these are far more information than I would want anyone in my life to know came from me. Lena does not have this filter. In her book she writes explicitly about her predilection for honesty and her loathe for keeping secrets. 

I do not have this predisposition for opening myself up to the general world, most of my friends and family in fact do not know even 10% of what there is to me as a person, as a general statement. I consider my thoughts and my private experiences to be just that - private. No matter how unflattering, deviant or contradictory she may be, Lena writes it like it is. I take inspiration about that -  that I need to be able to embrace my human experiences as fodder for the type of honesty that I want my writing to put into the world. 

I admire her also, because she has rich and vivid memories of her childhood, something that I do not. I consider a lot of the experiences of my mismanaged youth to be an utter embarrassment, or the fact that I am (not unlike Lena) and always will be an outsider. A lot of the experiences in her book rival my own. 

I remember buying a copy of a coffee table book, which is a photocopy essentially of all of Kurt Cobain's notebooks and once I'd had a real chance to immerse myself in his consciously, I pondered over the fact that I was entering the mind of a mad man, genius. That, if this was what the creativity and individuality to which I aspired looked like, then I had no hope. Reading her book was a similar experience. It resonated with me that a lot of the weird thoughts and things that she had done were so directly translatable into her art, her writing - then I could do this.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but it really has inspired me to look beyond what I think I want to write about, and to write what I know. 

I want to start a new novel - I have an idea for one. It has also made me realise that I need to write (and read) things that are interesting to me and not what I think would make a good read. This is not to say that my completed (but still in desperate need of professional editing) novel Race War won't see the light of day, but until I can muster the strength to finish and publish this - my inertia about that book, shouldn't stop me from writing (or starting) a new one. 

These are some things that I have learned. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Reliving My Stoner Glory

For the last three weeks, give or take - I have been high. And pretty much doing anything else. I bought that massive bag of weed on my birthday and here I still sit, working my way through it. After Belfast, feeling so disgusting and fat - I got control over the munchies and have managed to only eat clean low-cal since. My weight isn't disgusting, but it's obviously too high. 

I started my new job and it's fucking amazing. Okay... Today is only day 2, but I am thus far completely optimistic about it. It has a total start up mentality and I can't wait to get stuck in properly. You know, the kind of company where no one is overworked or stressed. Everyone just gets on with their shit and so it goes. Which is beyond amazing considering the boiler room that I just came from.

I have also gotten rid of the Portuguese guy... He bored me in the end. His vibe was a bit repetitive once you got used to it. To be fair, I haven't seen him since we hooked up, but we have texted everyday since, until Monday. And I'm strangely cool with that. :) 

I have an entire post about Lena Dunham formulating in my brain, because I am reading her book: Not that kind of girl. If you haven't read it, I would recommend it. Ladies (and Will) - have any of y'all read it? 

Stand by.

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo