Friday, September 30, 2011

DEATH on a fucking PONY!

AHHHHH blurg blah vom. I am SO hungover, I think I am going to die. We went for one drink last night that ended up being a bazillion, then came home and kept the party going. Went to sleep at 3.30am woke up at 9am. FUCK MY LIFE! ARGH! I ate about 300 cals yesterday. But pretty sure I made up the rest in wine. And I tasted a few beers. But literally just a sip.I can't move off the couch. I am couched.

This morning I weighed in at 62.7kg's. SHOCKED. 137lbs. I can't believe it. That's over 2lbs since yesterday. The hard work is paying off. Well today I have fucked it up royally. I felt so dizzy and horrible that I had a slice of toast with butter on it (OH MY FUCKING GOD! Little fucking pig!), a hazelnut iced coffee (180) and a few bites of some bacon (I'm a fucking vegetarian, what the fuck little piglet). I am not eating anything else today. Maybe i'll have some veggies for dinner or something... BUT NO more. How many cals is in bread. I can't believe I failed so badly. Hopefully I won't tip over 140lbs tomorrow :(.

I have lost almost almost 7lbs this week so far. So I guess it's not too bad. But still. I am going to nap. OH and I got a job. I saw his friend last nighta nd he was such a rude asshole. Arrrrrr. Fuck him.fuck him!!!

Not a happy blog. Sorry dudes. Thanks again for all the comments and continuous support. I didn't comment on anyone's blog today, but I have read them all. And as you can see on my profile, I follow A LOT of blogs.

Courage & Respect
Xo Xo

Thursday, September 29, 2011


 So down another lb today. Whoop. I realise that 1lb a day is good. BUT I wish I could lose faster. I mean really. I have pretty much nothing to report today. Ate very little yesterday. Didn't eat till I got to my sisters which was a little bit of veggie curry (no milk, cream, butter or oil) and a bit of salad. Which consisted of tomato, cucumber, lettuce and a tiny bit of feta cheese (literally 2 blocks). I would estimate that my intake yesterday was around... maybe 300? Definitely not more than 500. I slept so badly last night with nightmares and mid sleep nausea. I think my body is just getting used to emptiness.

So far today I have had a pot of veggie mush (160) and some coffee. Going to have an apple later I think and some veggies and fish for dinner so intake will be about 500. Which I'm happy about.

Him and I spoke last night about what's bugging him. He says work, but I know I have something to do about it. He has this friend who always tries to kiss me when he's drunk or feel me up and has caused quite a scene before in front of him. He came round this morning for something or other. It's weird. And I feel guilty for talking to him or spending time with him, because of the drama he has caused with bf.

Speaking of Awkward, I have just discovered the series Awkward. WHAT an amazing show. Thanks for all the comments on my last post. That dumb fucking bitch can go fuck herself. Asshole. But you all made such a valid point - those bitches are everywhere and maybe she thinks i'm an asshole - I am like a foot taller.

OH and the title of the blog - the beach I always surf at - there was a shark attack there yesterday, where a swimmer ignored the shark warning and went swimming anyway. A great white attacked him and bit off both his legs. Kinda his own fault. Still so shitty. I shan't be surfing at that beach this summer. Fuck that.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

p.s. Back on my ballet thinspo! <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dumb Bitch

There is this stupid stick insect with no soul in one of my classes and she is driving me fucking insane. In my mind I have developed a torture strategy for her already. First off, I will burn her hair (while still attached) - she has really really nice long super thick brighter than ash blonde hair. SO FUCKING JEALOUS! Then she is super thin and always eating. Our lecturer always brings treats for us and she is always getting more and munching throughout the lecture. Her parents are fuck wealthy and all the hot guys in class adore her. What the fucking fuck!? I hate her. She is so rude as well. And talks about me as if I am not there - talking about what SHE said, or what THAT girl raised. FUCK HER! She thinks she rules to the fucking world. I want to smack her with a textbook. FUCKING STICK INSECT WITH NO SOUL!! I hope she gets fat. She probably won't. She looks like she is just one of those naturally thin people with really fast metabolisms.

After the morning lecture I went to my BFF's place and ALL she spoke about was food. She is about 20lbs heavier than me now, which is satisfying because she has always been the thin one. But on the other hand, she told me everything she has eaten in the last two weeks - cream, butter, meat, eggs, ice cream, desserts, cocktails, sugar sugar sugar. But then again, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Mantra mantra mantra.

Which brings me to my next point - what I ate yesterady - SO much. Okay about 750 cals. Felt like a shiton. Which is was. I had a noodle box thang (180), an apple, pesto pasta (250ish) and a bit of mac and cheese - like such a little (200?). I was doing so well. But most nights, by dinner time I am soooo ravenous. But 750 is okay. I'm not overly disappointed. I was 1lb down this morning. If I can continue to lose 1lb a day I will be happy. I can't wait to break 140. Tomorrow I think.

I have only had a cup of coffee so far and almost 2l of water. I am having dinner at my sisters tonight, so that will be a complete 'mare!  I am not going to eat anything until then. And then a little plate of food. She is veggie and on a diet, so how bad can it be? As long as I stay under 500 today that will be great, but a small plate of veg stew - 300 tops? So the milk in my coffee was the worst and that was 10cals maybe? So if I don't eat till then I will have some calories to spare. Yay! Feeling motivated to get my ass smaller. I don't look smaller though.. :(

Things are still not right with him. He is depressed or something. He gets drunk on the couch every night. I can't help but think it's my fault for putting pressure on him financially. It will be better when I get a job I think. It may be time for me to look for a place of my own. I dunno, I dunno. I don't want to leave him, but how long must I compromise my happiness. And if it is my fault, then I want him to be happy. I am going to reassess this at the end of my exams. It goes so well, then all of a sudden something will happen and it's all fucked.

I got an inspired idea from Skinny Ninny for Shakira thinspo. However on further investigation, she isn't really thinspo material, except in that gold 'suit' from loca. Nonetheless, her stomach is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! ... and her hair. :) :) Thanks everyone for the support and comments. Trully AMAZING you all are. I need an email address or something for this blog, because I would love to actually email yall more. Trully inspired!

<3 <3
Love & Courage
Xo Xo

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What the FUCK!?

I have been SO good for over a week now and I only binged on Saturday (okay - it was a big binge) but Sunday was 650ish and yesterday was only 250. And I have lost maybe... 2lbs? WHAT THE FUCK! On the plus side it is just motivating me more! He forced me to have lunch with him so I had this awesome veggie surprise thing that I get at one of my local stores. It's actually for children and it's a ready to eat kiddies meal. This one had butternut and sweet potato mash with peas and corn. I just add some habenero sauce and black pepper in it and I'm a for AWAY! Yesterday to eat I had one of those, a small bowl of soup and an apple. The best thing about this veggie pot is that it only has about 110 cals in it. Which is great. So I'm going to have another one for dinner. But the ones he just bought me are slightly different both have cheese sauce in it and then the one has mash potato (I can't even remember what a potato tastes like) and pasta (ditto), but they are still under 200 cals per meal. So that's fine. If I just have one for dinner. It will be okay. I reckon I should stay about 500 today and then super low again tomorrow. Same principle as the ABC or SGD.

After I had lunch today though I felt SO sick. Like light headed and nauseous so he pipes up "well it's your body going into shock because it hasn't had food in ages." I think I need to remind him of our deal to lay the fuck off. I will be 132 by next friday SO help me god. Moreoverwhich, the weather is great so bikinis out this weekend. Extra motivation.

I may have a lead on a job, it is in a restaurant as a waiter, but at least it's flexible hours/shifts and the money is better than normal casual jobs and cash in hand. Which is good.

Thanks for all the comments and welcome to my new followers. Hi to Clear Girl - stoked to have you. Tall bitches for life :p. Thanks to Beth - babe you know how much I appreciate you. :) And I'm getting into Wintergirls. Put it on my BB so I can read it while waiting around. Thanks to Sarah - my second name is also Sarah - LOVE it. :) :) And to Will - good luck and please look after yourself. :) :) I find it so interesting to have a boys perspective on things. I LOVE your blog. In fact READ Williams BLOG!

Bikini Thinspo! God. 10lbs in a 9 days. Although, I think if I can get down to about 135 I will be okay. I should have been more strict for the last two three weeks. Oh well.

Respect & Love
Xo Xo

Above is Claire Danes - this is pretty much exactly the kind of body I want. Although my legs are longer and my torse shorter. But lean and flat. Love it.

I really don't think Nic Richie is pretty, but she has such a nice little thin body. Not over the top - just nice.

Kate Bosworth - need I say more. B. E. A. Utiful.

Think Thin! <3 <3 <3

Monday, September 26, 2011

What is Ana?

This is going to be a long one... Had a strangely revolutionary 24 hours since my last post.

First order of business is that I am FAT FAT FAT. I kept my cals to about... 650 yesterday which is great. Felt like I ate a shiton. But this morning the scales are not being friendly and I am literally up 3lbs. Can't believe it. I had one binge day, and now - 3lbs. Hello more fatness. On the plus side, at least it was only one binge day, unlike previous weeks where there have been three binge days. So yesterday was fine. Today - gonna try keep it to 300.

Yesterday morning I got stoned and started cleaning and organising. OMG, I did SO much laundry and dishes. Everything is pretty much now sorted out. I also made this thing to hold incense sticks, cuz they ash everywhere. So I cut out this box thing and got out my water paints and painted this cute tree field, picket fence thing. Although I got bored towards the end and fucked it all up. But it still looks kinda cute. I also got all my odd packs of cards and glue them down in a collage type thing, which looks kinda cool.

One of my former friends found out she was pregnant last week and is keeping it a secret. She has only been dating the guy for three months. Crazy girl. BUT she's happy. Now they are engaged. I said to him last night as we were falling asleep: You don't want to marry me anymore, do you? He responded saying: Why would I think that. I said: Hazarding a guess. He didn't reply. My relationship is officially falling to shit. I got up and finished off the dishes and folded some clothing. How do I make him love me? :( I need to be out the house more is what I have decided to do. So tonight, he has a late meeting. I have a doctors apt at 2 and class at 4, so I am going to study in the library afterwards. I mean, exams are coming up, so I may as well. I am just so scared. Where am I going to live? I don't think I will be able to cope with the thought of him with someone else. I don't think I'd be able to cope with that - suicide. But you can't say to a person - if you leave me i'll kill myself. I guess it's just bad luck that he got saddled with me - the crazy bitch. Maybe he will love me if I am 132. Maybe maybe.

The other thing I got to thinking about while reading posts is how some of these 'pro-ana' blogs have authors that eat 1200 - 1500 calories per day. That is a fuck load in my opinion. Like is it even possible to reach a skinny weight eating that much? For years and years I thought that 1200 cals was the right amount to eat on diet. I never got anywhere. And now if I eat 1000 cals a day, I feel like a whale and gain weight. I know it's just a perspective thing. But damn. Also, what defines ana? How long does one obsessively restrict before one is ana? OR is it a weight thing? A bmi thing? I don't agree with the idea of pro ana, because I don't think there are many people that have ana that would recommend being that obsessive with food and the guilt, emotion, god all of it is such a difficult thing. If you could stop obsessing about your weight and think that anywhere in the normal bmi range is fine and makes you feel sexy, wouldn't you? I'm obviously not judging pro-ana, I'm just saying maybe the idea of being for ana is a bit strange. In the sense that you would encourage people to be like that if they weren't. Supporting one another through these blogs is one thing, because we all share the secret, but pro. I dunno. This is all word vomit. Just thinking out loud I guess.

Last bit of info today is that I found these veggie pots that are meant for children that have butternut and sweet potato mash, corn and peas and it's about 120 cals. It's a whole meal of veggies. I'm so excited. Today I am going to have tea, coffee, water, an apple after class before the library and then one of these veggie pots for dinner. Should keep me around 200/250. Yay.

Thanks to all my followers and supports. Esp. Beth. God, you have courage lady.

Peace & Respect
Xo Xo

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Cycles of Depression

Yesterday was not salvaged. I. Ate. Everything. Including meat - I keep getting guilt tripped into eating meat, because I am bruising so badly - i.e. need iron. Anyway, I feel like it sits inside you and rots. Not like vegetables or soup which move in and out quickly. Meat rots. I have been a strict vegetarian for almost a year now and it made me feel sick and heavy.

Not dwelling on the past. Today liquid 'fast' i.e. coffee, green tea, water, soup and maybe some juice. It's so early though - maybe I will go back to sleep. I definitely want to go for a run or mini hike - the weather is SO nice out.

I have read a whole bunch of blogs referring to Wintergirls. I have never heard of it... before I started blogging. And I'm going to see if I can find a copy of it. Although, I guess if I am honest. I am scared of ana. I don't want ana. I know that I am close enough to it - but... I dunno. Reading about ana, watching docs on ana... It is really scary. I worry that maybe I will get to a point with my 'weightloss' where I can't draw a line.

I think of being super skinny as so beautiful. And the thinspo that I love is super skinny... But there is something about watching these docs that makes it look more scary than beautiful... HAHA obviously the media houses are doing their jobs.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Keira Knightley

I know, I know. I said bikini thinspo, but I was inspired. I think that she has the best body out there - well one of the best. And she isn't busty and hipsy - she just long and thin. <3 <3 I will obviously never have a body like that - for one thing my abs are not capable of this amazingness. I remember seeing the madamoiselle ad in a London theatre and Wow. Life altered. I think she is one of my biggest skinny queens. Love her. Anyway... THINSPO! :)

Thanks to All my AWESOME followers

Just a quick quick update because the weather is great so we are off to do good weather kind of activities. Firstly, thank you SO much to everyone that is following my blog and especially more to those that are kind enough to share their thoughts with me. I really feel like I just don't have anyone to talk to about this shit and finally I feel like I have a circle, ya know? I chatted to him about this stuff last night a little and just basically told him that until I get to my goal weight (i.e. 132lbs) he needs to lay off on bugging me about eating. I said that I would be willing to negotiate after that point. He agreed to there is some finality to that at least.

Yesterday was an okay to bad kinda day. I had lunch with a friend in the bay so I ended up having deep fried fish (I KNOW!) and a salad. Then came home and got stoned and had a milkshake and about three slices of cheddar. Luckily that's all I ate for the day which was fine and there was a LOT of walking involved so not too bad. But then I also drank the better part of two bottles of white wine - CALORIES MUCH! Ya, feeling like right shit this morning though. Anddddddd with a hangover comes - binging. *cries* So this morning I had the majority of a BIG bag of crisps. But luckily, I have the option of not eating anything else. If I have some salad or soup later, I think I will be able to save today.

And miraculously after last nights binge drinking, I am 1lb down from yesterday, but my stomach looks SO bloated. Yesterday it was almost flat, today... not so much. Retarded.

Sorry to ramble, but there is something else on my mind, so I guess since it's my blog and all... (thank you for reading again - means a lot to me) So last year when I lived in London I was dating this boy. Introduced to me by my polish friend. Him and I split after three months, and then she started dating him. So I cut them both out of my life - girl code, like WHO does that!? Recently started chatting to her, realised that I was rash and I have him now, so you know, I can be happy for them. BUT they just broke up and shes asking advice blah blah BLAH, and you know - I'm giving it. But, I mean... Okay. I don't think I am a bad person, but deep down I just want them to never speak to each other and just be finished. Like somehow, I kinda feel like they don't deserve happiness with each other, because of how much they collectively hurt me  (BAD break up including physical violence). I want him to fuck off back to Oz and her to do her usual date losers thing. Like, I'm jealous almost. I dunno. Maybe that makes me a bad person. But, without being juvenile, they started it. Well... he started it. OKAY SORRY SORRY, will stop ranting now.

Will post lovely thinspo later - I'm feeling bikini thinspo ready. Again, thank you so much to all the readers, followers and lovely input. I read all of your blogs religiously. It is my favourite thing to do when I get home from class everyday to unwind, I catch up on your blogs. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Peace, Love & Respect
Xo Xo

Friday, September 23, 2011

Weird Thought

So everyone hates that thin girl right? The one that puts away allllll those cookies and food, but never gets fat? Maybe, she has an ED? Maybe she goes home and purges. I mean, how many people know about ED's. Pretty much no one. Maybe they think we are the skinny bitches. The secret lives of obsessive restricters.

Anyway, not much to report. He is under a lot of stress with work, I really need to get a job so I can help support us. God alone knows when that will happen. I feel so useless and helpless, why can't I help him? I just need a job that isn't horrible. BUT so many of them are. I love him so much, I just want to help, but all I am is useless and miserable. Decided to stop that today. To clean the house and make him a nice dinner. But it's a friends home coming party today, so dinner won't happen. OR maybe it will. :)

Got on the scale and I'm 142. Woop! 9 to go :) :) Two weeks, 9 lbs. Let's do it! I'm all legs baby! HAHA. Kidding. Yesterday was good. I had two apples and some soup. He bought me veggie spring rolls and made me eat them in front of him, but they are super high in fat, but not that high in cals. So ended up around 500 anyway, which i'm happy with :)

New followers - yay :) :) Welcome. Thanks for the support.
Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Schmeh Schmeh

Blurg schmeh blaardy blah blah bleeeeggg meh mmm. Stop.

So still slightly euphoric about yesterday and still in somewhat of a decent mood. Had a mini-freak out earlier, because I am starting to think that my bf may be ... "looking around". This of course is probably just my own insecurities. But I thought he was at our neighbors house earlier, because his car was here but he wasn't and he always goes on about how hot and awesome she is, so yeah - panic. He was out with a colleague on work business. Whoops. I covered though and said that I was worried he got mugged or something. SUCH lies.

Yesterday was okay - ended up just under 700. I was actually only 300 but then I had my very first fresh coconut and after all the effort he went to to open the bleeding thing, I couldn't say no. Very underwhelming - fresh coconuts. Blah blah blah.

I actually went to class this morning - pure economic loss - blah blah more BLAHHHHHH - only because I had a test, which I am pretty sure I did reasonably well in. I want to say aced, but I don't want to jinx it - BLAH. We are supposed to go sailing this weekend, which means bikinis. So pretty much not going to eat till then, but again, he is getting a bit anxsy about me not eating, so i'll chug some soup - or "whoaaaa I ate so much just before you got home - whoaaaa I'm so full - nahh thanks babe, I ate so much this afternoon I couldn't possibly eat any more."

Trying not to think about my cancer bullshit - what ever is going on with that. BLURG BLAH BLAH suck fest. I think I am going to nap. To all who have commented on or are following my blog, thanks so much for the support, I really appreciate it. I have an hour a day dedicated to my blog reading, and I lurv it. It really is awesome to have some support for all this nonsense, where everyone in life doesn't understand. They just think that I need to eat, eat, eat or get over it 'cuz you are thin.' Bullshit.

Strength. Courage. Love. Peace.
X o X o

p.s. A little taste of gymnast thinspo, cuz I am obsessed with gymnastics, despite being too fat and unflexible, but I love it.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sorry Sorry

Okay THIRD post for today, but I'm excited - so I was requested for a casting for a big network ad and I went and it was very average. The exciting part is that this woman who has been in the biz forever told me I have the height and body for model work. That's exciting. Anyway, imagine how awesome it would be when I get to my GW! Even better at my UGW! Omg, ballet thinspo in celebration! Weeeeee! <3 <3 <3


I just got on the scale. I can't even say the number. *cries* I can't believe I have let myself go like this in 5 days. And I can't even fast, because now that I am sick, the doctor told me I need to eat more - especially iron i.e. meat - which I won't, but now everyone is going on about me eating more so they are watching me. :( :(

So I didn't go to class yesterday or this morning. I don't know what's wrong with me - it's like I just can't face the world. I can see everyone getting tired of me being miserable and useless. But all I want to do is lie in bed and be miserable. Anyway.

Yesterday after I posted, I ate everything. It got to a point where my stomach literally felt as if it was going to tear from all the food I shoved into it. So disgraceful, but I pledge to be honest you know? So far today I have only had a cup of coffee. I have a casting later - my first one ever - my agency let me know about it yesterday, but it is jerseyshore themed! How weird is that!? So I have to dress jersey. This may be tough, but I have the right kind of accent. Anyway, going to eat as little as possible today, which may be hard since I ate so much yesterday and that usually makes me super hungry. I made tomato soup yesterday which I didn't eat, so I shall just have some of that. I only have two and a half weeks to lose 11lbs. This is not the time to fuck around.

I went to my doctor today about my lady issues. I couldn't get the pap because she had concerns. So now I have to go have another test next week and go see another doctor to rule out any "physiological issues" i.e. cancer. I guess the good news is that whatever happens they can just take the whole damn thing out - it's not like I want children. Although, everyone keeps telling me i'll change my mind, so they probably won't let me do that.

All too much effort for me right now, I just want to go back to sleep. Over it.
Peace & Respect

p.s. thanks Beth, your support is invaluable. XX

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Chicken OUT!

Arrrrrrr - I am such a coward. AHHHHHHHHH! !@)##$#%$#TJREFDSO$(%#@@LP%^L": Such a coward. Firstly, I just rescheduled my pelvic exam, because basically I am too damn scared. So I am going tomorrow morning. Super early. And on my way from class, so no chance of actually cancelling then :( :(. I wish this could all go away and I don't have to think about the fact that I may have a terminal illness.

Still no word from the boss that phoned me this morning, so I fucked out like a coward and sent him an email. Fuck sakes. How am I ever going to be a lawyer!!? So now - I am going to sit on my couch and get stoned and skip class today. I just feel too depressed to leave the house. Gonna look up some thinspo and just be. Maybe I will go to class. BUT I really don't want to. I will feel better if I do. AHHHH OKAY - go to class.

I also just had a tiny sliver of blue cheese - because I love it - but I feel like a total failure. Just having a really bad day today. Determined to post some nice awesome thinspo a bit later.

Crying is what I want to do. Crying and not going to class.

Yesterday sucked & I'm scared of my scale...

Fuck it. I ate way too much yesterday/last night. So today is a fast. Although I have had some coffee - so perhaps a liquid diet. I do want soup, since I haven't had in almost a week. I am avoiding my scale today - with all this food rotting in my body, I am no doubt going to be at least 4lbs up. Need support and motivation today, so I will definitely be coming back here.

I am going to the gynae today to make sure I am not dying. I am rather scared, but fuck it - Either I'm going to live or die. One way or another - it will be okay. I also missed a phone call from the company I interviewed with last week - FML FML FML FML! Too scared to call back - hope they call me back and that it is good news.

Need to fill up on diet coke - feeling way too empty, probably because I ate so much over the last three days that my stomach is the size of Kansas. Whatever.

Monday, September 19, 2011

A Million Lbs of Meat

Drank and ate way too much this weekend. And there is something wrong with my girl parts - going to the doctor tomorrow to get it checked out. Woke up in a pool of my own blood on Sunday morning. Wtf. Anyway. I am so depressed and hating my life - sad, hopeless - giving up. It's not just about my fat useless body. I am just not happy. I don't have anyone to talk to - well rather I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Like I don't want people to know how sad I am, because then they are all going to be up in my face. I have been thinking about his ED thing, and thinking that I am not thin enough to have one. What defines ana? I am definitely not with mia, because I can't actually make myself sick. I don't use laxatives, mostly because I heard that abuse of laxatives will make you end up with an adult diaper. No thanks. And I do restrict, I am obessive with food and my weight, but really, my bmi is 21. That is not low. It is normal. When I have a bmi of lower than 18, maybe I will have an ED then. I also don't obsessively exercise, mostly because I am just shit lazy. I ate a lot of meat yesterday, because I am starting to bruise badly, so need to up the iron, but as of today - no more meat. I bet it just sits in my tummy rotting, staying there. My weight is up a whole kg from yesterday - it must be all the meat. So far today I haven't had anything, but it's my sisters birthday today, so dinner with my mother tonight - will eat very little. No cake.

I'm so fucking depro. It's all I think about. And I keep thinking that the only way out of this miserable life is suicide. The scariest thing is that I know I'm not wrong. I think it is the difference between attention seekers and actual suicide risks - attention seekers want people to know, I feel like I am just biding time - like I did almost two years ago - until I have an excuse to be over, like if he dumps me and I am on my own - just waiting patiently, I mean it is death, there is no rush. I can go quietly, by myself - no fuss. I don't want people to get on my back about getting better and trying to go to therapy and taking drugs, which is why I don't tell anyone. Since is my spot to rant... Anyway. Death doesn't scare me, I don't think it's a bad thing, it's just a solution to a life long problem.

God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace, Respect & Skinny Thoughts

Sorry to do more than one in a day, but fucking hell, I just found this on a friends fb page. WTF! No no no, this is not incorrect - bones are beautiful. FUCKING FAT LOVERS! Curvy is not beautiful, fat is no acceptable. WTF!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Thinspo & Quick Update

I got stoned and ate two slices of pizza, hot chocolate with biscuits and yoghurt. Dammit. I was doing well yesterday. Didn't even weigh myself this morning because it's not going to be good news. Liquid fast today. Although I may have to eat tonight because I am going to a wedding this weekend with people that love to eat. So I will stick to grilled fish or salads. I am determined to be 139 when I get back on Sunday.

Some thinspo of people I want to look like! Have a great weekend everyone! Love & Peace Xo Xo

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Yay - Kinda

couple of things on my mind today... Firstly, I don't want to be muscular skinny. I just want to be thin. Like fairy thin. So been thinking that weights and strength exercises are probably not good. Gonna stick to cardio I think. I went for a 5k run yesterday and fell in the first ten minutes and grazed my hands and knee open. SO embarrassing. I also didn't run the whole way, because fat girls are not fit. Fuck it. Glad that I did run though, because I cracked yesterday afternoon and ate about 1400 calories. Probably more. So I went for the run and didn't eat anything from about 3pm.

Yay though. I am 1lb down from yesterday. AND I cracked the 65 mark. I now weigh 64.7. Only 10lbs to go for my goal weight! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Makes me so happy. My second thought today is that I wish my hair would grow faster! I need to have long long hair! Any suggestions to make my hair grow faster and be thicker would be amazingly welcome.

The last thing that is on my mind is why I can't talk to people about my problems. It's like I feel like if I have to tell people my issues and how I feel, I am drawing attention to myself. This whole issue is obviously one of those things. Anyway. I dunno. I don't think I'd ever be able to tell my bf about my little secret. Saying that I am pretty sure he is becoming aware of it and doesn't want to know. I'm sure he just wants a pretty, perfect, tiny girlfriend. Not that I will ever be tiny, because I am nearly 6'. I don't think he cares or wants to know how I will get to perfect.

He just got out the shower and is getting dressed in front of me. Eye-candy! :D :D Because all I want is lovely long hippie locks, today's thinspo is all about the hair.

My hair is probably about two inches from my nipples, so it's not exactly short. It just needs to be longer. Much much longer. It looks better when I straighten it anyway, which makes it look even longer. Only 22 days till I need to be at my goal weight. It's 1lb per two days, which is definitely do able. I am so excited to be thin! Well, we shall see how I look when I am at my goal weight before deciding if I need to go any further.

My skin has been looking like ass on a pony lately. Don't know what that is about. Still got the wedding this weekend, but I think if I can get to 140 (2lbs) by then, it will be fine. At least I will look better in the pictures. DON'T you hate how weddings always involve fucking hundreds of photographs!

Love, Respect & Skinny Thoughts

P.s. In three weeks when I reach GW, I will post pics! I am so pale though, but hell I'm gonna do it! :) :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Measurements and Progress

Yesterday turned out to be an almost fasting day. I had an apple, a cup of coffee with fat free milk and 3 cups of green tea. Loads of water. Today, so far I have had 2 cups of coffee with fat free milk, a cup of tea with fat free milk, one cup of green tea, 5 glasses of water and an apple. I am going to wait till dinner now and have some soup that I planned to have yesterday. Feeling pretty hungry, but I need to be my goal weight in just over 3 weeks and 11 pounds aren't going to lose themselves. Hoping to break 140 by the end of the week! Then it's just 8 to go!

So today I weighed in at 65kgs flat - 143lbs. My waist is 76cm/29 3/4'', hips are 89cm/34 3/4'', bust is 86cm/ 33 3/4'', neck is 35cm/13 3/4'', thigh is 54cm/21''. Don't know how much I have lost, this is my first measurements. But it a solid 15kg's loss or 33lbs since the bgegiining which I am proud of. Oh and my bmi is 21.

The whole purpose of this weight loss frenzy to get to my goal is for a festival I am going to. Every year I go this thing and ever year, I am one of the fat pale girls that walk around in t-shirts and jeans, because I am too fat to be bikini clad and sexy. NOT this year. This year I will only wear a bikini, so help me! I want my bf to think I am sexy too. He get's hit on all the time by these girls that could be models. Me? Fat. Ugly. Anyway, in honour of this challenge, bikini thinspo (and a bit of gwen thrown in, because she is hot!). I have decided that my reward for getting to my UGW is going to be blonde hair. By the end of the year hopefully.

Thanks for the support. Thinking thin. 132, 132, 132, 132. Everytime I think of eating, I think how horrible it will be to be fat at that festival again. It won't happen. And I have a wedding this weekend, so hopefully will be 140 for that. :) :) I have a lovely selection of dresses to wear for the occasion. Peace & Respect XoXo

Thanks Beth for the comment :) :) And yay I have followers. :) :) It's becoming summer here now, can't wait to reach my GW so I don't have to hide.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Soup Fast

Wow, haven't blogged in 5 days. Feel a bit bad, but saying that Friday and yesterday were manic binge days. I got my new scale and weighed in yesterday at 143lbs. So I am 4lbs down from the last weight in. But I also got my period (yay, not preggers) so perhaps there is some bloating factoring in.

I have decided to do a soup fast today and tomorrow. The weather is really bad, so soup is a nice idea. My boyfriend is laying off trying to get my to eat a lot which is nice. I can't wait to have some yummy soup later, I am so hungry. But if I can last until 7pm. Then I will be fine. It is 14.30 now, so I am doing alright. Maybe I should have an apple to stop myself and some green tea. I always forget my green tea. I get such joy out of using my online calorie counter and then I only see under 500 a day. I feel so proud. I reckon if I can be good until friday it will be fine. I want to be 138 by the end of the week. I am sure I can do it. I just need to keep my vitamin intake good so I don't slump out, because I have a test on thursday. It seems so silly that I only have 11 pounds to go for my goal weight. It doesn't seem like that much. I am going to a wedding this weekend, so going away, so I won't be forced to drink that much.

Today is stomach thinspo. Sorry I haven't posted thinspo in a while. I told my bf that I wished I could cut off my stomach. He told me that was really fucked up and that I need to stop obsessing about my weight because it is unhealthy. I guess he just doesn't understand.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Binged like a maniac today. I was supposed to do a liquid diet today. But come lunch time, I think I'm about to get my period so this may explain the binging. I have less than a month to get to GW1. At lunch at work I felt like soup and ended up eating pie, jerky, chocolate and a big bag of crisps. Then when I got home, I thought well it's a binge day clearly, so I finished the vegan chilli I had last night. ARRRRRGGGHH!! Tomorrow is a new day. I was too embarrassed to have people at work seeing me eat, so I ate it all in my car. I also bought each item at a different store, because I felt too embarrassed to let someone know how much I was going to eat. Buying the pie was very hard. It's 6pm, I shan't eat for the rest of the day. Lots of water, LOTS of green tea.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Torture Never Ends

Today was going to well. Yesterday I ate around 500 cals and I was fine. Today however I was ravenous when I got home. Then my boyfriend told me he was going for drinks with the boys - my reaction - binge time baby! So I ate about 5 slices of white bread, at least 4 ounces of cheddar cheese, two vegan sausauges with tomato sauce, a mug of horlicks, countless amount of butter and a whole heap of vegan chilli. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Then I tried to purge, but for some reason my iron stomach just won't throw up. WHAT THE FUCK! I just want to die. I have had enough. Going to try and jump rope to try burn some of the calories off. I mean that is like 3000 calories at least. What the fuck is wrong with me. Goddammit. I wish I could throw up. I need to feel empty. Fasting tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Why don't I just die already?

I mean I may as well. I realised today that my life is going absolutely nowhere. I am such a fat ugly bitch that once my boyfriend dumps me, I may as well go crawl in a ditch with a hobo and hope they will take me. I fuck everything up. With the exception of about 2 friends, the rest are self centered dickheads that talk about themselves and when I stop replying to their useless rants about their lives, they will ask me something about my day or my activities, when I reply they take it as an opportunity to continue on about their lives. Hello? Drowning over here? I realised that why my first suicide attempt failed was because I drank too much causing me to throw up, this time - just sleeping pills. Fought the urge to cut myself today. Almost started crying at this place I am interning at. It's not like they will hire me when I finish varsity anyway. So why not? I feel like a fat self-loathing worthless pathetic useless piece of shit. I really should just die.

Today's intake has been okay. Half a gallon of water, cup of coffee with fat free milk, a disgusting amazing chocochino (it was from a  machine, so I can only assume there was a landslide of full fat milk in it), two yoghurt chewy things and an apple. I think I am done for today, but I may have some soup later. Don't feel like it. Just want to go to sleep and hope that I don't wake up. My copy of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas arrived today. I can't wait to start reading, but I have a paper due next week so I can't. Which means this weekend is no partying. Although I did promise my boyfriend that I'd stop drinking because it is clearly causing problems, why? I'm not ready to talk about it. Probably the reason he wants to break up with my fat ugly face. I guess the time will come when I just give up. It's coming.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Fat Little Piggy

God, I ate like a fucking pig this weekend. Let's start with friday. I did well until I got to the party and drank wine like I was a peasant! I ate so much crisps. I'm feeling ill just thinking about it. Saturday I woke up hungover and AS PREDICTED went caveman on my kitchen - bread, cheese, mayonaise, horlicks, peanut butter and even chinese takeaway on Saturday night. Then a landslide of alcohol on Saturday too. Not to mention something else happened, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about that. SUNDAY, it got even worse - I had lunch with my dad - PASTA and pizza at night and guess what? Oh yes, when it rains, it pours - I ate the entire fucking thing. It's fucking disgusting. My new scale still hasn't fucking arrived - agro much? I think my bf wants to leave me. I don't know what to do. If he breaks up with me - I will kill myself. I have tried and failed before, but this time I won't. Today my intake was okay. I had a coffee for breakfast and a vanilla cappucino during the day, as well as two chewy yoghurt candies so that was okay. Then I came home. I had a curry (1 MILLION CALS) and a little bit of a tuna bake. With so much cheese and cream and pasta. Maybe I shouldn't wait for him to break up with me, maybe I should just slaughter my piggy ass right now. I'm so sick of this shit.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I hide from my kitchen

Blah - nothing new to report today. My scale still hasn't arrived. I had about 750 calories yesterday. Been well behaved all week and it is starting to show. Can't wait to get my scale and do a full recap on my weight and measurements, starting to feel like I'm getting there. I'm still really motivated and staying strong. I haven't binged all week and going to try to not drink this weekend so I don't firstly consume all the calories in the booze and secondly so I don't feel like shit and end up binging - I always feel sorry for myself when I am hungover. Tomorrow night is a big party and the theme is white, so I can't binge because white makes you look fatter - I am already fat - so chances are that I will end up looking like a whale (instead of a porpoise) if I binge. Only soup today and tomorrow.

In other news, I find myself at home all day obsessing about my weight. It is pretty much all I think about and I get upset if my friends don't notice. :( I find that I sit upstairs in bed ALL day and I run in and out of the kitchen to get green tea and water. Although I just put some soup on the stove. But run in and run out. It's like when I eat, I gobble it up as quick as possible. Like if it's gone, maybe I can forget that I ate it. And when it's gone I can run back upstairs to get away.

Currently looking for a part time job. Need to start my essay, but I can see myself writing it the night before. Internship next week. Hope it goes well.

Peace & Respect X