Monday, December 26, 2016

Merry Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Well, it's the day after. 

Do you ever feel like your ED makes you miss out on things? I feel it all the time, like missing out on making and eating all the yummy holiday foods, travelling around Italy on a food adventure, sampling the delights of French patisseries, Turkish delicacies, the breads of the middle East. You know what I mean, I feel it all the time. 

I was meant to see Chris today, he flaked. I'm angry. I haven't seen him in three weeks, because he's been climbing in the mountains. And as always, he is the one who dictates the schedule and I get no say in it. Because I was meant to see him today, I didn't binge yesterday, although I did on the eve. 

Today, I went to yoga and here I now seethe about the fact that I'm always an afterthought. Somehow, I allow this. 

We are meant to go to Bournemouth tomorrow, if I don't hear from him today - I am cancelling our hotel. It's not all about what he wants, I'm not a bloody afterthought. 


Peace & Loathing
Xo Xo 

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Anxiety - 1; Piggy - 0

So now I am literally stressing balls about my visa expiring in March. I have always known that I would need to sort my indefinite leave to remain out, but now I've managed to convince myself that I am going to get rejected and sent back to South Africa. The thought is in fact too horrible to even deal with. So, all-in-all, I am now trying to make sure that if that happens I am making all the necessary preparations. 

Either making peace with the fact that I am going to die in South Africa - honestly, this thought is too horrible to bear. Or trying to make an alternative arrangement so I can go from here to anywhere else. Literally. I will go anywhere. ANYWHERE. Maybe I can sell myself as a mail order bride? 

I don't know how this kind of anxiety seems to plague me the worst over Christmas - last year it was the fact that I was broke, and Colbey. The year before that it was that I had been cornered by a coworker at the Christmas party - who was also the financial director, for allegedly talking behind her back, which I did not. I just fucking hate this shit. Every year. 

I just have to make it till the 26th and then Chris is coming to stay and he will distract me. And then in the New Year, I need to start prepping these forms. If I'm being proactive, it should just about work to calm the anxiety. 

The positive about it is that I am so anxious, I feel nauseous all the time so I don't want to eat. The negative is that I am now on holiday for the year and this means I can drink through my anxiety and once I'm drunk, I just want to eat ribs. It's disgusting. I feel disgusting. 

Yesterday I had about 850 cals, but did an intense yoga class. This consisted of a mince pie, some sushi, two skinny hot chocolates and many, many coffees. 

Today, I've had a large skinny latte (140), an apple (60), a banana (80) and I'm gonna get some soup for later or something. Get into bed and not leave. Ever. 

I just hate this time of year. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Monday, December 19, 2016

Dear Anxiety.

It's different from last year. It's not going to happen again. 

Your job is good, you're doing fine at your job. They trust you, you are doing what you are supposed to. Just keep up your pace and don't slack now. The team depends on you. This isn't like last year. You've got enough money and have managed to save some. This is good. You are doing great. It's different from last year. 

You are not as fat as you were last year, you just have to control it and not let it get that bad. You deserve to feel good in your body. You didn't feel good last year. This is different from last year. It's not going to get that bad. You can control it, you can persevere, because you have willpower and it's all alright. You've done well this year, just keep going. It's totally different from last year. 

He is different from Colbey. He isn't going to do that and change his mind. You can trust him. You know that you can trust him. It's different from last year, it's not Colbey. He isn't Colbey. You can trust him. Listen to me, Piggy. You can trust him. 

It's different from last year. It's just the lack of sun, the lack of warmth, it's this time of year. It's just something about it being the end of the year, something about the introspection that comes with New Years Eve. It's just the time of the year.

It is totally different from last year. Anxiety, y'hear me? It's totally different.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Someone Called Me Skinny Today

... Twice.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

They Get Better Everyday.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I don't really ever have my disorders under control, despite me thinking that I do. If I'm completely honest with myself, my attitude to and relationship with food is just as bad as it was before, maybe worse now because those behaviours are so engrained in me that I don't even consider them strange. So engrained that I have no problem telling people about them if they ask. 

I'd like to think that they've got better over the years though as I've tried to manage them. I don't purge anymore like at all ever. I also don't starve myself for days at a time anymore aka the beloved fast. I haven't fasted in ages. Well, not intentionally. Although I frequently skip meals still. 

(I'm on the tube right now writing this and someone around me has the most STANK garlic breathe, my eyes are watering as I write this... if there is someone in the carriage with gross ass garlic breathe, I somehow will find them.) 

I don't write my calories down anymore, although I always 'know' (anyone with an ED always 'knows'). I don't weigh myself more than once a day. I don't weigh myself on days when I know it's heavier, because I think most importantly for me, I don't hate myself if I slip up. I have realised that I can just be better tomorrow and that it isn't the end of the world. 

I think the most important thing though is about my binges. They are rarely as bad as they used to be and very infrequently. If I binge, it'll be a 3000 calorie day rather than a 10000 calorie day. I can recognise that I don't need all the food in the world to satisfy my binge. I think that's a win. 

Since it's December I'm starting to reflect and this year was the first year I set real goals for myself, rather than vague ones. And I've achieved them mostly. So I want to do the same in 2017. 

The year of Piggy. It's getting better I think... 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Thinking Out Loud In December

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post or rather what the point of it is... I've just been thinking a lot about my life and my goals, and the types of things that I am focusing my energy on. I dunno, maybe this is just thinking out loud. 

As we know, I love a list... 

1. Yoga: This has been taking up a lot of my brain space at the moment, mostly because I have to commit £99 a month to a contract with this for a year and that's a lot of money when I'm trying to save. The other impact that this has on my life is that if I want to commit the time to doing this, I can't booze as much as I used to, not only because of the cost involved, but also - being hungover is not something that will fit in with this. I really want to become really good at it and to be able to do cool inversions, and more than that - it is important to me that I start looking after my body properly and not being a crumpled up old lady. I haven't smoked since the 12th of November (basically, only once since Halloween ) and it important to me that this keeps happening. 

Bringing me to #2...

2. My friends: I need to have a swift conversation with my friends and family within my social circle that I want to commit to not smoking, yoga and not drinking much. This is important and I feel like I have in some ways socially isolated myself for the past few months, because I feel like they're not supportive of the things that I want to do. So I'm going to start having these conversations with them. About wanting to do cheap things, that don't involve alcohol. And that they need to get on board with this, because it is my focus. 

3. Chris: I'm not sure about him, I'm never sure about them. I worry that he wants someone who wants marriage, or wants to let him be a lad. I'm not and I don't. Not that he wants to marry me, I say 'marriage' more as a statement of normal values which I do not possess. It's way too soon to think about these things, and I accept this. There is something else which is kinda minor, I will get to that in a later post. 

4. My side project: I have been doing some work on this, but it is in no way close to completion and I really need to start prioritising this in my life. This is all part of the same thing really i.e. relating to points 1 & 2. 

5. My weight/looks: I just need to be at a stable weight, a stable, thin weight. I need to be between 60 and 62kgs consistently for a sustained period of time, with a diet worked out that will allow me to stay there without too much energy being consumed by this. I'm back into the swong of the ED, and I don't like being here. I was 64.3kg this morning. So once I'm back below 62, I can figure it out. I think that once I am there, I am going to aim to add calories to my diet gradually to try and work out where it's meant to be to promote maintenance. I'm not 'starving' myself right now, but it's just enough restriction that the weight is coming off. I think I'm between 1000 - 1200 cals a day currently. 

6. Willpower: I bought a slab of dark chocolate (I have Seasonal Affected Disorder, so am trying to eat foods which promote seratonin production and dark chocolate is one of them) and it has 10 pieces as part of the slab. My goal for the week is to allow myself to eat 2 of these pieces a day as a treat and to make the slab last to the end of the week, because I have willpower and I CAN DO THIS. 

So that's kinda it. 

I went to yoga today, it was lovely. I did a shoulder stand in class last night, so have already been twice this week and it feels really good. So I'm gonna go tomorrow because I like the Wednesday night class. I think I can see that I'm getting better at some of it. 

Otherwise, I had avocado on 2 slice of toast for breakfast, two yoghurt pots, a banana, dark chocolate and a hot chocolate so far today. My estimation for that is 800 thus far. I really should stop, but hey. I'm gonna make a sweet potato hash for dinner and call it a night. 

Go team. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

** UPDATE: I ate the whole block of chocolate. Cuz I have willpower, right? Who the fuck am I kidding. Chris hasn't texted me today, so I texted him. I got two lines of response and then nothing. He's not into me anymore, I'm sure of it. Why would he be?  **

Monday, December 5, 2016

Let The Games Begin

Chris spent the weekend here... he arrived on Friday evening (including dinner) and stayed until this afternoon (Monday) - no meals today. I cooked almost every meal for us... kinda. 

I didn't go overboard on any of these days and although I haven't weighed myself accurately, because it is difficult to weigh yourself inconspicuously when there's company, I estimate my weight to be in the mid-64'. (Remember, we are aiming to get back down to 60-flat, LOLz because this changes every day. Moving goal posts much?) ANYWAY, so I'm pleased about that. 

So, the games to which I refer are the eating disordered, attention seeking games. I didn't eat very much when he was here. And frowned upon his sugar-filled snack choices. I probably did around 1000 cals a day while he was here, which again - is quite a bit by ED standards. But that aside. 

The games - I know it's totally fucked up, but I WANT him to notice that I'm eating far less than a normal person would, than he would. On Sunday, I went to yoga and he went climbing, I made tacos when I got back - he had four. I had one. I estimate that these have about 300 cals (MAX) in them (probably closer to 250). He remarked 'is that all you're eating, ONE taco?' - I responded, 'yes, I'm getting back, I've gained 4kgs this year, it's not okay.' 

Now strictly, this is not true, but it is. In the summer I got down to 61.4kg, which was only for a day and I was in the 65's last week, so technically it is true. The part that isn't true is that I started this year at around 72kgs after gaining a ton. 

ANYWAY, the point is that it's totally fucked up that I wanted to get down to 58kgs SO badly, so that he can comment that I've lost weight, or that I'm really thin or that I don't eat enough (WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP!?). I am dying, ACHING for someone to tell me that I'm too thin again. I would kill to be called too thin. Or for someone to call me skinny and to actually believe it. 

So it's less than three months in with this guy and already my insecurities are playing havoc with me. This eating disorder really does crop up at the weirdest time... And it's two-fold, like it was with Roy. One the one hand, Chris has a really amazing body (I'm not exaggerating this point, he has like a ten pack) and on the other, I want to look good next to him/not look like his chubby girlfriend. SIDENOTE: We haven't DTF'd (defined the relationship) - i.e. I'm not his girlfriend. 

Also, I've been doing yoga properly for a month now and I've got to make the decision tomorrow to commit to a 12 month contract at the studio, which I can't cancel. SO, I also want to be very good at yoga, but this will be a conscious decision on my part to commit my time to doing it, which I have been doing and I would like to continue to do this. My goal has been two classes a week, which I have met so far and will continue to meet in the future. 

Anyway, so there you go. I'm playing eating disordered games with the new guy. It is ridiculous and I know it is, and somehow I can't seem to stop myself. 

So it looks like my goal is 58kg. Who'd have thought?

Everyone reading this. 

I know, right?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Friday, December 2, 2016

Adulty AF

Last weekend I was very emotional and I think I have seasonal affected disorder. It has struck me that I had the same reaction this time last year, which led to all the Colbey drama (what an asshole nonetheless) and led to me getting fat, depressed, suicidal and just generally not a happy bunny. 

The result of this was carb binging. A lot of it. Basically, I am now fighting down my weight back into the happy place (62 - 64kg). I am currently at 65.3kg. Which is alright. Except Chris is coming to spend the weekend which might mean more eating. I'm gonna fight this though. 

Anyway, so now I'm trying to keep myself on a diet which encourages additional
Serotonin production - salmon, yoghurt, nuts, bananas and such stuff. 

I've also been at the yoga now for four weeks and have been making it two/three times a week currently. The goal was twice a week. So long as this can continue, I am going to keep my membership to the studio. I feel better after I do it. Particularly, my back. 

I've also been trying to save money which is actually going kinda well at the moment. Like, it's not easy cuz I've been the most frugal person in the world and that is SO not me. I can live like this. So beyond my immediate saving needs, I think I can actually do this as a long term thing. I'd like to decrease how much I'm saving at the moment, cuz I have like no extra money (just over a quarter of my salary), but it's nice knowing I have a financial buffer if I need it. 

At the moment, I do feel like I'm winning a little bit. Let's hope Murphy can let me have this for a little while. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo