Tuesday, November 29, 2011

My Aching Liver

Just another quick post from my hospital bed to let you all know that I'm okay. I had a session today with the psychiatrist and he said that he can't diagnose me from one session but preliminarily it appears as if I have borderline personality disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and bulimia (no surprises there). It was a bit tough talking to him but I actually like an trust him, so I am going to try see him again. My liver has taken a beating with the drugs. So I'm still here to make sure it doesn't give up on me. My sister and ex are going for trauma counselling although I'm sure he still just wants to get rid of me. Oh ya and the biggest news. My lovely supportive amazing darlings. I passed all my exams. I have a bachelor of law. I am a lawyer. My marks weren't fantastic but I passed. I was so happy I bawled like a little girl. Fat Piggy (LLB). Has a nice ring to it. :) :) Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. They came straight to my phone which hasn't left my side. Especially to my lovely Judith Marie and Sammy. I can't tell you how much I cried when I read yours. It means so much to me that I'm part of your life because you are SO much part of mine. Its funny being on the other side of this. But I'm going to get better I promise. Obviously I'm still on my quest for size 0 that won't change. Love & Peace & LLB Xo Xo

Monday, November 28, 2011


Yesterday I took a bottle of pills and now I'm lying here in the hospital. I just couldn't anymore. It was actually very logical and sane - the process. But the flaw was taking paracetemol. Because it takes about 16 hours to kill you. Next time narcotics all the way. So the ex and sister brought me here. And now I'm under psychiatric observation because this was the second attempt. It hasn't changed anything and I just feel worse. I still want to die. But with every attempt I am learning new things I guess. When the ER doctor asked me how much I weighed, I proudly and non chalantly said "60" CUZ ITS TRUE! Anyway but since I got here they have been pumping me full of glucose. So probably going to look like a whale when I leave here. I have a new idol: Freddy Mercury. He seems just as mad as me. *sigh* I wish he would just love me again. No matter what I do he never will. :( Despair & Loneliness Xo Xo

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I don't know what to do...

... I just want out.

I am so lonely. I need weed or sleeping pills. I just need to not feel like this. Fuck. I am contemplating the best time to do it. I just don't want to put my family through it. I am scared that I won't die, I couldn't handle the rehab process again.

I need to find out how to do this without failing.

I binged yesterday. 61kg today. I'm sure it's just food weight.

Sadness & Despair
Xo Xo

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Fuck this shit!

The last two days have been hell. So we broke up and now have to live together for another two months and I need to pretend that I don't care that he is not coming home, partying all night and fucking other skank bitch whores. FUCKING WHORES! Anyway, the good thing about this is that I stuck to my fruit fast for an extra day. So for three days all I ate was five apples, one cantaloupe, a nectarine and a plum. And loads of green tea. That's it. No coffee or tea. Nothing. Okay there were a couple glasses of wine in there, but come on man, my boyfriend just dumped me.

I also now have a fuck buddy in the wings. Problem is that I can only have sex with him when I am blind drunk, because I REALLY don't find him attractive. But he was getting weirdly possessive of me last night, like in the kind of way that makes me think that I really don't want to dabble. But I guess for now what I am doing is filling a hole - an emotional hole. So, ya why not. I don't do loneliness very well.

SO after my three days of fruit fasting I was 60.1kg this morning. 0.1 away from my first Goal weight. Only 5kgs from my UGW. I'm so excited.

Thanks for all the kind words of support and love. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on blogs, but the situation is just a bit intense at home so I am trying not to be here. At all.

Love & Hope
Xo Xo

Friday, November 25, 2011

And so it's over.

We broke up last night...

... and then I punched a wall.

Tears & Anger
Xo Xo

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Defeated by the Universe...

... is how I feel right. Fuck. Wow. Just tired and run down. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Day two of the fruit fast has gone well. I had to make a huge dinner for my whole family, which is no small feat let me tell you. And so I did. And managed to pull a 'I feel sick' so that I didn't have to eat. Also had to field question after question about my weight *sigh* I wish they would just leave me alone. But anyway, at least I am noticeably losing. Which is great :) :)

I have had two apples, three cups of green tea and half a cantaloupe today. That's it. Wow, I'm almost too tired to be proud of myself.

I have a fitting tomorrow with designers for the fashion show tomorrow morning. Which I am rather looking forward too. Unless nothing fits me. In which case, I am going to feel like shit. Fuck, I am actually quite nervous. Fuckety Fuck.  Going to have a quick glass of wine with my neighbour shortly. Who is this awesome little skinny bitch - but in the BEST possible way. I have given up on myself and the boy. Going to move out at the end of January. And that's fine by me. I wish April would come so that I can get to London.

*sigh* You know, my gran said to me tonight, in relation to my weight loss - "you got to take care of yourself, because nobody else will." Wise old lady.

Strength & Courage
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

No dear, she's a total fruit!

SOOO I have had a realisation about stuff. I need to eat more regularly to avoid the binges. Because, I can fast no problem, but then the next day - or whatever if I fast for more than one day - then it's on bitches. On like donkey kong! And when it rains it pours. SO I Binge like a fucking starved zombie maniac. But PFFFFT silly me, I don't have to tell you guys, because you know how it goes. But also. I mean I am really scared of starting to eat early in the day, because usually when I do this, my willpower disappears and I binge. FUCKING binges. If you do X then you binge, if you do Y then you binge, if you Z then you binge. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Anyway, not important.

Today I planned on only doing green tea and five apples. I have had an ass load of green tea today and two apples so far. I promise you it has taken all of my willpower not to eat the brownies my mom made yesterday. Even more to say no to chips. EVEN more to say no to just about every yummy thing in the store when we went grocery shopping now. BUT instead I bought some nectarines, which are my favourite fruit. What I plan to do is fruit fast today and tomorrow. Since it's almost 9pm now, today is sealed. And tomorrow also a fruit fast. An apple at 9am, another at 1pm, 5pm and then some more for dinner. I am going to have half a melon now. I check the calorie content on the melon and half of one should be about 150 calories. With the two apples today that should be around 300 tops. Which is great. And until about 20 minutes ago, I haven't felt hungry all day. But you know what, fuck it - green tea makes me feel so good. Like healthy.

After tomorrow, I want to do raw from Friday till Sunday. I am super busy from Friday onwards, so hopefully I won't be tempted. I also am going to try not drink this weekend, which should be easy since I am WAY too fucking broke to buy booze. I should be getting some cash on Saturday. I'm hoping to be 60/132 by the end of the week. Hopefully. :) :)

Thanks for all the lovely support and comments. I am trying to keep it together, but I have noticed on the blogs this week, we are mostly not doing so great. But come on ladies (& William) - we can do this. We can totally get through the holiday season! :) I think the trick is to accept that on Christmas, we will binge. And make sure that the day before and after we are well behaved to make up for it.

One of the primary things that I worry about with becoming skinny is losing my hair. I saw the most amazing thinspo pic of this girl with super thick hair and the greatest thigh gap you ever did see. FUCK I wish I had fucking saved that pic. Anyway.

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts
Xo Xo

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I binged today - I serious way. I also ran everywhere I went to try mitigate, but I really don't think there is much I can do about the eat fest I had today. It started at my moms house and then continued till I got home. OH well. I really have been slipping these last few weeks. WOW. Explains why I have lost anything. This morning I was 136. BUT I NEED TO GET TO 132. Okay. So the plan then is to fast tomorrow and Thursday. I am sure with enough coffee and pepsi max, I can totally do this.

All the disgusting cheese and tortilla in my stomach makes me want to throw up. I don't know how I slipped this far back. HOW HOW. It is so disgusting. OH and I am back in the fashion show. They called me today and said that the omission from the list was an oversight. Fuckers. Oh and this was also mid way through my binge. And I managed to do so well yesterday. OKAY. I can get to 132. I can I can I can I must. And I need to do it by next Wednesday - the fashion show. I can I MUST!

Maybe tomorrow I will do an apple fast. Apple and green tea fast. Yes, I think I shall do that. Apple at 9am, another at 1pm, another 5pm and two (piggy!) at about 7pm. And a cup of green tea with each. I think I shall do that. :) God, if anyone has advice...

Sorry if I don't reply to comments. I always mean to and then I don't. I am totally keen to text, well more like if people have a blackberry and iphone with whatsapp, cuz I don't live in the US so it will be quite expensive. But yeah, leave me your phone numbers/BB pins and I shall add you :) I'm really sorry I have been failing so miserably at this. I'm just a fat piggy after all. :( :( I promise to be better tomorrow. Will see how it goes with the apple and green tea fast. I'm so thirsty today. God, I feel like such a failure.

Strength & Misery
Xo Xo

Monday, November 21, 2011

My New Little VERY FUCKED UP Game

I have very little to say tonight, I'm afraid. I planned on fasting today. Which I kinda did. OKAY let's confess quick, a fast is not a proper water fast for me. It ALWAYS has coffee and tea. ALWAYS! And okay diet soda. Because, like I can't go without coffee or tea for a day. So my intake will always include a little bit of calories from milk and coffee. So last night I made Mr enchiladas for dinner. I made myself mushrooms with chilli and garlic - no tortilla or cheese or anything. THEN I had a tablespoon of guacomole (which was only mushed up avocado, nothing else) and a tablespoon of low fat smooth cottage cheese. And I ate that. This morning, not only did I wake up at 63.2 (2lbs/1kg heavier than yesterday), I also had a stomach like a fucking preggers person! WTF! So today, I was like FUCK THAT you fat little bitch - fast. But then, my brother trotted in with a box of homemade chocolate chip cookies - not like huge or anything - probably about 2'' diametre and I just snatched one like a fucking little piggy. I swear I grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. It was insane. Anyway, so I haven't eaten anything else today, and I FUCKING WON'T! Going to bed soon anyway...

So my new little fucked game that I play. My boyfriend upsets me a lot. Because he is very inconsiderate. And my new thing is trying to get my own back. NOW, I realise I have a pretty fucked up relationship with him, but suffice to say that he isn't happy despite my best intentions - so I'm waiting out the 'festive' season and then we will be parting ways. BUT we haven't broken up yet. It's a messed up situation. But what I do is use the ED stuff to freak him out a bit. He is pretty terrified of saying anything to me about it, despite the fact that he does 'know' about it. Either he doesn't care, doesn't believe me, doesn't think it's an issue or doesn't want to hassle me about it - for whatever reason he shuts up about it. But I know it pisses him off when I don't eat or skip meals. So lately what I have been doing is using that to irritate him. This evening for example, he has had a rubbish stressed day and I fell asleep (because unlike him, I don't sleep at night very well) and he just left. Not only did he just go out without telling me or inviting me - he also said he had 'tried to wake me', I was still conscious when he left, but I wasn't gonna stop him - he did NOTHING OF THE SORT. Fuck him. Anyway. So when he got back he asked if I wanted dinner. So I told him - oh no I had a cookie this afternoon, so I'm fasting till Friday (not true... well maybe I will). So he freaked out. I giggled. Before, he asked me why I wouldn't eat if I was hungry - I told him that he isn't the only one that is allowed to punish me. And you know, I trully do feel that way. He punishes me for things I do. And not horrible things. Like falling asleep today. Or talking too much. Anyway, not important for right now. But that is my new stupid fucking game. And you know, it does kind of amuse me.

In other news, I am starting as a hostess at a very awesome restaurant which I used to work at on Friday. I can't wait. I used to be a waiter, which sucked because you aren't the beautiful one at the front. I was the grubby one covered in soy sauce. Not anymore. So i get to get dressed up to go to work. It is going to be awesome. Then as soon as I get paid - blonde hair and tattoo. Will post a pic - promise. SO I need to restrict/fast like a ninja this week so I'm super skinny for Friday. Hopefully will have broken 60 by then. Because I'm sure there is at least 2lbs of food weight in me right now. NEED TO RID MYSELF OF THIS FUCKING ASSNESS IMMEDIATELY. But I don't purge. Whatever. Fruit? I really want to try a few days of raw, but I need milk in my coffee man. AND coffee for that matter. Do you get raw coffee?

What a ramble.

Love & Sunshine
Xo Xo

Sunday, November 20, 2011


So apparently, my 'eating disorder' - I still question whether or not I have this, as I really don't think there is anything wrong with me - is more akin to Bulimia than Ana. HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT? Because I don't purge/abuse laxatives. I thought this meant that I couldn't possibly be bulimic. I know, definitely knew, that whatever my weird eating habits are, it definitely isn't anorexia, because I'm not even thin, let alone thin enough for ana. ANYWAY, so I was reading proanaonline.com last night and my cycle of binging and fasting is actually a bulimia vibe. WEIRD!!! Because for the past two months, I have been binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. I stopped restricting a while back - the 500 a day vibe, because I found that I liked fasting better. AND NOW. Wow. Anyway, so that's my little nugget of info for today.

I binged yesterday after a two day fast. I had a huge late, a sandwich with lettuce, tomato and cream cheese, two chicken schnitzel breasts and some pasta stuff (360), so I think I had about 1000 cals. I haven't eaten much today, I mean fuck okay. SO OTHER NEWS - I have been dropped from the fashion show on the 30th, but pretty resolute that I am going to change agencies. Because this one just isn't promoting me. SO, gonna cancel my shit with them on Monday. SO after finding this out, obviously in a fucking god awful mood when I got home. I then got invited round to the neighbour for a drink and I nibbled on some snacky things, but definitely less than 200. SOO I have had 200 cals today. Going to try keep it under 500. Wow, I feel like 300 cals for today is actually quite a little feast I get to look forward to... hmmm. OO I totally want soup!

Back to the mia vibe, I obviously don't think I am bulimic, I just thought it was interesting that I am more symptomatic of that than any other eating disorder. I am defo's not ana and I don't like EDNOS as something that defines me, because well... Anyone with a weird eating habit could be EDNOS, so maybe EDNOS is just a catch all. I dunno. I am just serious about being skinny. That's all. Maybe I am a tiny bit eating disordered, but whatever - who isn't.

I was watching a bunch of ED related youtube videos yesterday. WOWOWOWOW amazing thinspo. I hope I don't get forced into recovery. But then, I don't think I will ever get bad enough to need it. AND ALSO, I think it's really fucked up, but I do expect to gain all the weight back. In other words, I expect, like with most things, to fail miserably.

WOW this has turned into a fuck depressing post of note. Wha'evs. I have a headache. I feel like some coffeee.... hmmmm... If anyone has any good links or anything to share, please can you send them to me.

Peace, Love & Courage
Xo Xo

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Food Weight

I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk off my ass. FUCK! What did I do last night!?? OMG. Well firstly,  I haven't eaten in two days. Successful fast *thumbs up* which makes this my longest fast ever...57ish hours. YAY! Gonna see how long I can keep this going. Although, I WANT FOOOOOD NOW! Weighed in at 61.2 this morning which is AMAZEBALLS! I wonder though like if that means I have lost, or just don't have any excess "food weight" Hopefully I shall be in the 60's by Sunday. Tomorrow. FUCK TOMORROW IS SUNDAY ALREADY! *cry*

Watched the cricket last night and just got SO drunk so quickly. Obviously fasting for two days and drinking on a VERY empty stomach was not the best idea, but it was nice to not have eaten. Whoop! Then today it is SO hot which is lovely. The downstairs area of my house is so nice and cool though. So it makes it rather nice. I fetched the boy from the airport about an hour ago and he bought me a Louis Vuitton bag! I was a bit shocked. Rather extravagent gift, I think. Also TOTALLY not my style but hey whatever. It's LV baby. Wow I sound seriously superficial. Anyway.

Fuck not much else to add, except OH JA thanks for all the amazing comments. Skinny listed my blog on proanaonline.com. AMAZED! :D :D I fucking love you guys.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Oh my fucking god! You will never believe this! Stoked happy dance - fuck it - HAPPY PENGUIN DANCE! SO my mother gave me a pair of jeans today. They look so small omg. Anyway I looked at the tag and it said 28 - which is a UK 4! OMG OMG OMG OMG! I can't believe it. OMG OMG OMG. I think it even may be a US 0. OMG. Okay, truth be told, they are a little bit tight. Like a little tight. I will be happier when they are baggy. I am never eating ever again. I fasted today. Gonna try fast till Saturday?

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I am very stoned right now. I will blog when in better condition.

Sid & Nancy
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Arb Ass Week of Nasty Circus

WowWOw I haven't posted in like three days. GOD it feels like forever. I have binged pretty much nonstop since Saturday, which is FUCKING DISGUSTING considering I wanted to hop on to a 5 day fast. I am going to attempt a fast tomorrow and friday. I CAN DO THIS! *psyched* I weighed myself this morning and I was 63.5 FUCK FUCK FUCK.

The friend of the boy turns 30 on Saturday (OLD right?) and he is having a 'white trash' themed party. I need to be skinny awesome for that party. FUck IT IS GONNA BE SICKKKK! The boy is currently in Turkey on business. He was raving about some other woman from home that he met there. I can't stop thinking that he's doing something there... Weird, because then I kinda recoil from that and think that even if something was happening, I probably wouldn't want to know. SAD!! Anyway, not important. He loves me again for now. I'm still moving back to London. I'm not disposable.

This week so far has been an interesting one for hanging out with some friends that I haven't seen. Including the cute boy from the beer commercial shoot - he came round to chill... He seemed a little flirty... maybe... I'm not interested in that weirdness though. I am holding out hope that he's the friend kinda guy. Also saw at the same time my other friend, I have mentioned her before - and she ate and ate and ATE. She was moaning about her weight to me last week, but the amount she ate here - I'm surprised she only weighs that much. WOWOWOW. Anyway it was great seeing her. The video guy ... I invited him round tonight... he said he couldn't. Which SUCKS! Last night my sister came over - she also eats a LOT and this guy that I was in love with when I left for England. Anyway, we jammed guitar hero (LAME!!!!!!) and smoked a lot of reef. It was just so nice to chill with him. Because he doesn't see my flaws. He just accepts. If only everyone were like him - har har (DEEP MUCH!?)

I feel sooooo fat. God. Must get on track again tomorrow. I will. Fast. Yes. See one of my feel goods. I can't wait till the boy gets home. I just hope he isn't shocked by my appearance. Fat little piggy.

Thanks for all the awesome comments dudes. I really appreciate it.

Peace & Good Vibes
Xo Xo

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Ranting like a FAT PIG!

Weight is 62 flat today. FUCK SAKES! But then, like the little piggy that I am I binged like mad! I had a white bread roll (150), chicken (I'm A FUCKING VEGETARIAN FOR GOD SAKE!), veggies, muesli with milk, two chilli poppers and three huge calorie fillied cocktails. Probably at least 200 each. I can't believe I fucking binged two days in a row. *cries* I was 3lbs from my first goal and now I am 4. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

All of my friends have basically abandoned me! My bff is too busy with her new boyfriend to commit to any plans that we have and then she will want to do something on her time frame and I will end up cancelling because it doesn't work for me. LIKE last night we were supposed to go out and then she told me that she wants to go home at midnight. MIDNIGHT!? Are you fucking kidding me!? So I was like, no thanks, I am not getting all dolled up for two hours out. I think not. So I had drinks with - get this - the boyfriend and his friend who I want to lick like a lollipop. He is SO hot. SO SO SO hot. My boy and I haven't had sex in about three weeks, *SIGH* *SIGH* *SIGH* I thought he would be more attracted to me now that I am thinner. What a joke. All I want to do is hang out today with the friend. He makes me laugh. And he is straight forward. To the point.

Anyway, moving along. Then this morning, it is a reasonbly nice day outside and I want to either - go for a walk in the mountains or on the beach OR I want to go to the driving range. YOU think I could find anyone that wants to go with me!? Hell to fucking no! No one has time or wants to. WHAT EVER HAPPENED to seizing life - taking it by the balls! Doing things. Getting fresh air and exercise. NO apparently not. People are lazy cunt fuckers who just want to sit on their asses and wonder why they are miserable. My ex, who is a golfer, I asked him to the driving range - he says no he is still hungover from Thursday. WHAT ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT! YOU ARE A LAZY MUTHA FUCKER! He wonders why his life won't change and his shit will always be shit and why he is a 32 year old server. Well that's why you lazy fuck! *sigh* That boy is on my brain constantly... *SIGH*

And my one girlfriend - she is about a foot shorter than me... maybe not a whole foot but I reckon she is around 5'3'' - 5'4'' and she weighs 83 kgs. Which is about 185lbs I think. She bitches and complains about her weight ALL the time and how unhappy she is. I was unhappy with my weight too - and guess what? I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I did not sit around eating carbs all day, getting NO exercise, drinking normal coke and beer like it's water, not walking anywhere, not going anywhere. I hate listening to her rant about it, because she has been ranting for over a year now and only getting worse. Anyway.

I think I am done with this rant for now. I feel like a fat useless pig. A beached whale. A beached unwanted whale. FUCK. I need to go do something. I may go climb in the mountains by myself but it is SERIOUSLY not the safest thing to do right now. OH on the happy side, an ex boss of mine called me up and asked if I wanted to hostess and my old restaurant. Which of course I do, but only three nights a week. I figure that the extra money will be helpful for my tattoo which I want as a christmas gift for myself, my new blonde hair that I plan on getting shortly (Gwen Stefani blonde) and also I was thinking of having lazer hair removal done on like my bikini area vibe... Maybe? I dunno. And the boy is back on my mind. God, I got it bad.

Anyway. Over and out!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Friday, November 11, 2011

*face palm*

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my relationship is over. O. V. E. R. And strangely, I am still okay with it. I also have realised that I still have a dirty crush on his friend. *sigh* But when I was in London I was the fuck buddy of a guy who broke things off with me so he could date my friend. I don't want to be THAT guy. So no. I am not going to go there. As much as I really want to. SHUT UP - DON'T BE THAT GIRL! He is so hot though. My current is more or less the same height as me and weighs only 1 kg more. SO I always feel like a nasty fat giant, but the friend is taller and bigger. I saw him yesterday and flung myself at him saying hi and he just caught me. I didn't feel like I was going to knock him over. I take it back, I don't really 'like' him, I think I just want a good time guy and he is nice to me. *SIGH* Fuck fuck fuck. What am I doing? GODDAMMIT!

I got my period yesterday and it was brutal stomach ache and pain and horribleness. I am ever so slightly less bloated today but still bloated. I binged like a mad person yesterday. Ate cheese and carbs carbs carbs. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Then I drank, which makes me look more fucking bloated. And I am definitely drinking again tonight so that won't help. I weighed 61.2 this morning which is FUCKING FATASS FUCKING HORRIBLE, but I didn't gain after the binge so that's good. :) :) Today I haven't eaten so far. I picked up some cheese out of the fridge and was about to shove it in my mouth, thinking 'it's not a big piece - it won't matter.' I was fucking disgusted at myself. That was my fat girl mentality. And as we ALL know - when it rains, it pours. So if you feed yourself early in the day, you just keep going. I threw that fucken cheddar back in the fridge and had some tea instead.

Tonight I am going out to this club where you get hit on a lot. I like it sometimes for the confidence boost. Last time I went I met that 22 year old engineer. Remember him? Anyway. My boys friend is hopefully coming with. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PIGGY!!!! We always have such a fun time when we are drunk. Hopefully I can find him a girl to have fun with. Good thing about that is that it removes the temptation for me, because he will be busy. with someone else. Anyway, so I think I shall fast today and just have me long island ice teas. Hopefully I will be in the 60's tomorrow. I can't believe I am only 3lbs from my goal weight. What a journey this has been. 15lbs in 2 months. Isn't too bad.

WOW and WELCOME to my new followers. Everytime I log on I see more and more of you guys. Please feel free to mail me or comment. I do try to check out everyone's blogs. AND if anyone has heard from Beth please fucking tell me. I am a little worried.

Peace & Serenity
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Nothing to Contribute

I have nothing to contribute today. Feeling a bit aimless actually. Feeling like all of my friends have disappeared and the only people I see are my sister and my bff. All the rest are gone. Feel like I don't meet new people anymore. Just feel a bit lost. I still can't see my chest bones and I can only see ribs if I streeeeetch up. I work now where my mom can see me every day and she is constantly trying to feed me. I didn't end up fasting yesterday, but ate probably in the region of 250 calories - milk in my coffee, about 6 water biscuits with avocado, tomato and pickles on them and then a glass of white wine. Today so far I have had nothing but tea and coffee with milk and a pepsi max. So today, I'd like to keep it below 500. That'd be fine. Preferably no carbs. Going to have some fish or something. Unless the boy doesn't come home, in which case I won't have anything. My new favourite passtime is not eating specifically to piss him off. It hurts him more than it hurts me. And then I wake up skinnier. I am starting to feel like I don't look fat anymore, which is nice. I'm so tired. I may nap.

Thanks for all the lovely comments. And welcome to my new followers. A couple more everyday... :) Again, I'm available on email if yall wanna chat. OH and I had this thought about Portia de Rossi. AWESOME thinspo really. BUT she was on Oprah and crap cuz she had ana and she lived on 300 cals a day and how bad that was blah blah blah. I remember thinking how shocking that was then, now... HAHA. Anyway. I wish my life were more interesting. My stomach is cramping. NOT nice.

Wisdom & Strength
Xo Xo

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fashion Show BOOKED!

I just had the most amazing day ever. Besides the fact that I ate enough mexican food and drank enough frozen margheritas last night to sink a small battleship and woke up all bloated and mexican and sick weighing in at a whopping 63kg.

I had an early appointment with the owner of the agency that I am with to learn how to walk for this big fashion show at the end of the month. It is the launch of the agency and they will select the models to walk in the show. Of which, I am now one. I perfected my walk which I now have to practise, but suffice to say that I am stoked. He also took my measurements, I am a LOT smaller than I thought I was. I must go buy clothing now that fits me. But I have told myself that I will only do this when I reach 58/128. He said that I have a haute couture look, so hopefully that will translate into modelling work. WELL paid modelling work.

Then I worked all day pretty much at the new job which is basically administrative work, which is fine for now because it allows me to do the modelling thing as well. I promise I will post pics when I reach 60/132. Hopefully by the end of the week. The boy is going away for Turkey on Saturday, so I plan to fast for at least 5 of the 7 days he will be away. Things with us are okay, I think. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I got called for a casting at 3pm. I went there and was dismissed almost immediately because I am too short apparently. I am FUCKING 5'10''. WTF IS SHORT ABOUT ME YOU SONUVABITCH! Anyway, not phased. It was for a promotional thing. I want to be high fashion. Anyway rate myself much? The owner guy did say I need to do some sit ups. Which I guess is a subtle way of telling me to lose weight, which I plan to, so I'm not overly fussed about him saying that. Just NEED to get down to 55. I think 55 is better than 58.

SO THEN I got a call from a guy I've met a few times about wanting me to be involved in a community outreach programme that aims at giving a rural community all the necessary tools and know how to grow hemp crops, buying the hemp crops and turning it into biofuel. I am so fucking excited about this. They obviously need a lawyer. And that would be me. OMG SO STOKED! So ya, had a meeting with them now and it went really well. I am very optimistic about the programme.

Also I got accepted as a content writer for a volunteer project. I really enjoy volunteering, I feel that going into a very self centred profession like law, I need to give back while I can. :) So excited.

I am fasting today so far. Although I would give my right eye for some salmon right now. I have had three cups of coffee and a glass of white wine today. Hopefully I can keep it there. Although I may eat some veggies now. I am so worried that as soon as I eat I will gain. Anyway, not important. I have been wearing high heels all day today in an effort to prepare for the catwalk. I feel like it is a workout on it's own. ^_^


Thanks for all the comments, going to try read blogs now, but I am so tired so please forgive if I don't comment. Love and skinny thoughts to all!

Peace & Harmony
Xo Xo

Monday, November 7, 2011

*Queue George Michael*


Right so starting with the obvious, I just wrote my last exam! Hello! Law Graduate. Assuming I passed, which I am sure that I did. My mind is just so useless, because of course I couldn't sleep last night so I have had about three hours and I am going to sleep right now!

I went to runway training yesterday and apparently I am 'shy' and my walk is stiff, so I am seeing the owner of the agency tomorrow morning to work on it. Yay :) But then I also have to renew my car license tomorrow and start my new job - which let me tell you - I am NOT looking forward to. But I should know by next week whether I am in the fashion show or not. So only time will tell if the runway prep pays off. It's not like I have a whole lot of space to practise in.

Then weight wise, I fasted yesterday with absolutely no desire to eat whatsoever, but then at about 10pm I just couldn't concentrate at all so I had a small salad of tomato lettuce and avocado - maybe 100 cals. If that. It was a small tomato, 30g of avocado and a handful of lettuce - I only ate about half of it as well. Then this morning I had probably about 80 cals of strawberries. WHO FUCKING KNEW STRAWBERRIES WERE LITTLE BALLS OF FAT!? Seriously. Anyway,  not important. I weighed 62.1 this morning. So hopefully I will be under 62 tomorrow, BUT I am having dinner at a mexican restaurant tonight, so there will be lots of food and drinks. OKAY so maybe 61 by Friday at the latest.

In other news I saw the mutha fucken stick insect with no soul this morning in our exam. And guess what, her amazing hair was fucking perfect and her stupid dumbo ears were tucked away and she is fucking skinny as ever. I hate her. It was so hot in our venue that I took off my hoodie and just had a vest underneath. I can say with reasonable certainty that people were staring at my fatness. Also, the Jewish princess wore CLOGS, yes CLOGS today. So her sashaying in cute ankle booties was only momentary. AND omg. She is rather large. I never actually looked at her, but damn. Although saying that, it may just be exam eating. Anyway, never have to deal with those mutha fuckers ever again. FREEEEDOM!!

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I will get round to commenting on everyone's blogs as soon as I have fucking had some sleep. Pretty sure it's all going to come tumbling down now with the boy, but I don't care. Runway here I come!!

Strength & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Fast & Email Address

First of all, THANKS for everyone for commenting on my last blog. Made me feel SO amazing about the weight and everything. Just to clarify, my BMI isn't 18 yet, it's about 19.4. Then, I created an email account for everyone here to mail me at. It will go straight to my phone which is ALWAYS with me, so I can respond to them immediately. It is zerointentions@yahoo.com. And I really do mean it when I say I'm available day and night. I am available for any happy dancing that needs to be done, or crisis management if anyone is having a crappy day. I'm here. :)

Yesterday, I binged sooo badly. Like for about 5 hours I felt like I was going to be sick from eating so much. I don't purge though and the boy and his brother were here so I couldn't even if I wanted to. I have iron gag reflexes so I can't purge. It sucks sometimes, but also a good thing perhaps, because I don't like purging :(, no judgment of course to anyone who does, cuz let's face it, we all have our daemons and some people commenting on hating to read about cutting, I hate reading about purging, but I am here for those who do so WHATEVER - we are all flawed.

Needless to say, today is a fasting day. Going to do a 43 hour fast. From midnight last night to 7pm tomorrow. I write my last exam tomorrow morning, but judging how bloated and full I still feel from last night, I should be able to get through till then no problem. But since it is my last exam my mother wants to have a celebratory dinner at a mexican restaurant. So there will be eating. Then I plan to fast all of Tuesday and Wednesday. If anyone is keen to join the fast, email me - or just leave a comment. Which ever. So... yes that's it about that.

Then the casting agency that I am part of - remember the beer commercial - they are having their official launch party in about three weeks and part of that is a fashion show, so today I am going to 'model training' to learn how to walk in a runway show. And then hopefully if that pans out then I can be in the show. There are a lot of industry executives that are going to be there. I need to make sure that I get down to at least 130 by then. Because those people need to see me and want to book me. Fuck that would be so awesome.

I read an article yesterday about this woman who did 3 consecutive 40 day fasts. She started off looking chubby and ended up looking like a crack addict. Like not attractive at all really. Holy shit. But she was so thin. Not eating for 40 days. CAN YOU IMAGINE!? I don't think I could. But these people do it for religious reasons. I don't have conviction in that way. Anyway, so yes. That's it from me. Going to not weigh myself today, only tomorrow morning. I want to give the food I ate yesterday a chance to pass through without worrying about the physical stuff that is rotting in my body. Disgusts me.

OH AND! I can't remember which blog it was that put up a quote which has inspired my next tattoo which I am getting as a christmas present to myself - I am getting script on my foot saying: Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori! Which means: Remember that you are but a man. Remember that you will die. I have been searching for ages for something to put on my foot, now I found it. So if it was on your blog that I found this, thanks so very much. :)

Strength, Love & Courage
Xo Xo

Saturday, November 5, 2011


I fasted yesterday. ^_^ YAY! But then I felt so sick and weak today, I had a serious nom nom fest. Which is okay, cuz if I can not eat today and then maybe a little tomorrow, cuz I have an exam on Monday morning, then that would be freakin' EPIC! Anyway, so had to dodge questions and food at my mom's house. "Are you EVEN eating." Jeez, leave me alone! And then the boy went to feed his mothers cats, because she is in Argentina and I stayed in because I wanted to spend time with him. He left at 7pm, got back at 10pm. So much for "quality time" so I just took some sleeping pills and passed out. So what, I don't need to depend on him. I'll get to my new LW. :) :)

This afternoon I ate a LOT, but saying that I need to alternate for the metabolism to stay high, so I'm not too concerned about it. I wish I hadn't, but I feel strong and alive again. STRONG & ALIVE! Shit with the boy is also tentative at best, but yet again - over it. AND exciting news, I applied for two jobs probably starting around January, but in the meantime I am going to help out my mother's fiance with some stuff until then as work. Which is great, because that means I won't have to take a shitty casual job AND it is right down the road from where I live. On the down side, I will be under his scrutiny all day and if I don't eat... you get the picture right?

My new lowest weight this morning when I weighed in was... *drum roll* 61.6kg or 135.8lbs! Yay! Which is so great. To answer Lulani's question, I am 178m/5'10''. So I am pretty tall. :) My BMI with this weight is 19.4. So excited to be etching toward 18! OMG. 18. 18!!!?? 18. Can't wait to go buy some new clothes, because I have like NONE that fit me. And go partying looking all fine. :) I really hope the other two jobs call for interviews, the one is really high paid. Government. Go figure!

Thanks for all the really supportive comments, I FUCKEN LOVE you all. And welcome to the new followers (over 100 now!? Damn!) I hope you find my blog to be interesting, or helpful... or something. I am going to create an email address soon, so that I can communicate with people via email. That would be cool. Dunno if anyone would be interested in that. OH and I TOTALLY promise that I WILL put up pics - full body typish ones when I reach 132. :) Cross my heart! And I'm going to put up a pic of my extremely gorgeous kitten, because I can and I LOVE him.

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts! :D
Xo Xo

Friday, November 4, 2011

Fucking Eating Disorder!

The exam went alright. I know I did pretty well at the first two questions, but the third was SO hard and counted a third of the paper. All I need to do is pass. All I need to do is pass. All I need to do is pass. Another exam on Monday, so I need to get my ass in gear for that as well. Because I know I can get a first in it. SO I need to do it. Going to try not go out tonight, unless a friend of mine whom I invited to a late Halloween party agrees to come with, then I will go. Otherwise, just going to visit my mom. Which is going to be amazing, because I will have to dress like a yeti so she doesn't harp on about my weight again. She said to me earlier in the week "Are you eating at all." - I was like - ya duh... Just not as much as you think...

I meant to fast yesterday, but before the exam I had some crisps for energy - gotta keep up with exam nutrition - NOT and then a sandwich later, because the boy was NOT impressed that I had said I was hungry and then when he said he wasn't going to have dinner, I said I wasn't either. So he bought two sandwiches and made me eat it. Luckily my sister had come to visit so two birds with one stone and she ate all the potato wedges that accompanied the sandwich. I'm pretty sure I made it to about 600ish yesterday. Going to try for a fast today. :)

I can't eat in front of people anymore. I can't have people watch me eat. It's ridiculous. I won't have the judgment of someone going - oh no, you should put that down tub of lard. Also, so I ate 600 cals yesterday. How is it that even that amount is just TOO much. I woke up this morning feeling like I had eaten a shiton of food yesterday. All bloated and disgusting. Like when I stepped on the scale I would be back up to 68. Which is ridiculous. But I remember when I started this blog, I'd have a fasting day until dinner time and I figured since I hadn't eaten all day, I may as well shove as much into my stomach as possible, because how much can a person possibly eat in one session right? This was also back when I was aiming for 1200 a day. (RIGHT!?) Anyway, then the next morning I'd wake up and feel all bloated and disgusting. Because I'd have for example, like two huge enchiladas. I felt like that this morning. Like I'd eaten a MEAL AND A HALf. It is so stupid, but it's just that thing you know. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. This morning I weighed in at my new lowest weight ever. 62.3kg. Which is fabu-fucking-lous. Stoked. Hoping to be in the 61's by the end of the week then in the 60's by the end of next week. Gonna try fast today. Probably won't happen, but maybe. :)

I am busy with job applications at the present moment and also looking for some online volunteering opportunities. We shall see how that all pans out. I just need to find a job so that I can move out and get to England. Let's do this. My sister may be coming with me now to London, seeing as how her relationship is also failing. Mutha fucken men.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Positive Attitude

Just a quick one, because I need to study - my exam is in 5 hours. And I want to get some last minute cramming in before then, although I'm feeling okay about it. Then again, law school - you just don't know.

To answer some of the comments on my last blog. I don't care whether this relationship ends if I am honest. I love him with all my heart and I won't be okay for a long time, but it has come to a point where I can't change how he feels, I can only work on myself, my behaviours, my attitude. And if he comes around and decides he still loves me - that is great. But if he doesn't, then I will be okay. Since our 'break up' last week, he loves me, he hates me, he wants me around, he doesn't want to touch me, then he wants to cuddle and kiss and pretend it's fine. I don't know if it's real. I don't know if it's fake. I don't know what is going on with him. What I do know, is that I need to look after myself and if I am not a priority in his life, then why should he be a priority in mine. I can only do so much. So, it's really that I don't care. It's just at a point now where what will happen, will happen. I am not going to beat myself up over trying to change his feelings. If he doesn't love me enough to try work it out, then I'm not sticking with a man who wants out. I've been a door mat and an emotional punching bag. I AM his emotional punching bag. No more. Come what may, I will be okay.

So I failed at the fasting yesterday and had a couple crackers (200 cals) and then a bowl of egg fried rice with veggies - I know. No idea how many cals. But I'm pretty sure I was still under 1000. Which is FUCK high, but better than 1500. Amazingly when I weighed myself this morning I have lost just over 1lb. Which is fine. So a loss is a loss and today will be a maybe 500 cal day. I am spending time with the boy tonight for the first time in almost a week. Will see how it goes there.

Just a quick interesting thing that my friend told me last night. There are things in life that you cannot change and then there are things you can. Instead of concentrating your energy on the things you can't change - how people feel about you, how others see you etc - focus on the things you can change. Your attitude, your behaviour, your feelings. And if you do this then you will be more capable of changing yourself for the better. I made a list of things I will change. Including of course 128 by December. So 9lbs by then. Some short term and long term goals. Including getting my ass to england. I am trying to convince my sister to come with me. I hope she decides to.

And I shall post pics of myself when I get to 132. I'm not pretty I promise, I'm quite average looking. I will also post a link to the commercial I was in when it comes out :) Thanks for the support. AND WELCOME to my new followers. I fucken think you guys are A-FUCKING-MAZING! Oh and the boy is going away for 5 - 7 days soon. So the challenge for those dates is going to be a five day fast. If anyone is keen. I will post the dates when I know them, but it will start on the 11th more or less. I thought we could do a three day fast leading up to the five dayer. So much for a SHORT post.

Peace & Positivity
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Shoot of Dancing Yetis and Eskimos

So, yesterday I had my commercial shoot which turned out to be absolutely amazing. It was really long and kinda boring, but there were dancing Yetis and Eskimos involved, so it turned out alright. I managed to not eat any of the food that was there for cast and crew the whole day which included a very nice selection of pastries. But then I also gave this boy a lift home and then instead he came home and we smoked a bit - he is very very cute, but then he also met my boy. And they got on like a house on fire. We got on like a house on fire. He got both mine and my boys numbers before he left, I wish he'd text me though, I feel like I made a new friend there. And who knows, after I move out - maybe.

Anyway, but saying this things with the boy are going better. Well that's a lie, I don't know how they are going. I am trying to be lovely and the kind of girl that he fell in love with, but I don't know if it's working. I don't know, I don't care. I want an awesome job that pays well so I can get out of here. The awesome thing about that boy I met yesterday is that he also wants to go back to London... a damn sight better than my current 'i'll never go there' boy's attitude. Anyway, no point thinking about these things yet.

I have decided to do some online volunteering for the UN, which I have done before while I am out of work, just to boost my CV. Also, I am going to enter the BP National Portrait Award next year. I entered this year, but didn't get in. But next year, I am entering again. Hopefully I shall get into the exhibition. Which would be amazing. But I need to get my ambition back. I am writing an exam tomorrow, so that's probably a good place to start.

One thing that the shoot yesterday also did was to confirm my resolve to never eat again. The leads in the commercial were obviously both super skinny. So if you wanna get somewhere in that industry, then skinny you need to be. Then I am going to join another agency. When I am 58kgs. But then when I got home yesterday, stoned off my ass I binged like crazy. So no pasta for a week - I failed at that. But today I plan to fast and go to bed at 10pm sharp. Then have only cherries tomorrow before my exam at 5pm. And fast until Saturday. Even after my binge yesterday, I weighed in at 63 flat this morning, so 138. Which is a fail. (136 would be better), but still not terrible. I need to break 136. NEED TO! Will do so by the end of the week if I am good. I am motivated ladies and Will. If I am to be single soon and make something out of this commercial thing, then I need to be 58. 128. 10lbs. I can do it by the end of the year I think. Although I don't think 128 will be low enough, but we shall see.

If anyone has suggestions or a challenge to start next Tuesday (I finish exams on Monday), then lemme know. I'm keen to join! :)

Peace, Strength & Skinny Pride
Xo Xo