Monday, December 29, 2014

What I Didn't Do Today

Was weigh myself, the reason being that I woke up really late and before I knew it I had drunk like a litre of fluids and that would have distorted my weight. So...I haven't weighed today. I've also just about used up all my calories for the day (flash back to yesterday's post, 900 cal for the whole day) and it's not even 5pm - I just needed to snack. I'm on like 750. Basically, the problem is that I'm super bored at home, and when one is bored... one eats fucking everything. So to combat this, I'm going to go to a movie tonight with David and have a coffee and some diet coke and let that be it for the day. Tomorrow's 800 should be fun. Not. Really. Particularly as it's David's birthday AND there will be drinking. Fun. Not really. I'm going to be proactive tomorrow and do a kettle bell workout and maybe also a short run to try and not go over that net (I hate working in net, but I know with the boozing it will be impossible to consume less than 800, I will stick to whiskey though which is only 50 cals a shot). Anyway, the next few days are going to be difficult as I'll be in Dublin from Wednesday to Friday - my plan is to skip meals wherever possible and eat only fresh/raw. I can do this. 

Also, this girl that I used to be friends with - the one whose boyfriend kissed me and then admitted it to her and then she stopped speaking to me - like for reals, three years ago almost? - anyway, she posted a pic of herself in a new bikini on instagram and lemme tell - she. looks. fucking. banging. She looks so amazing, so like, she is my thinspiration for today. As much as most of my friends look at Tanith and say she's super a vapid, stupid bitch etc etc, I actually think she's amazing. It's a pity the actions of her dirtbag ex boyfriend meant our friendship had to end. To put this into perspective, we were high as kites on MDMA at a club and he kissed me, I pushed him away. Somehow I'm still the bad one. ANYWAY, that sob story aside, I'm really proud of her for how she's changed over the past three years. She really has started dressing beautifully, eased up on the shit makeup she used to plaster all over her beautiful face and she has become the picture of good health and fitness (except I know she has a bulimic past, so whether this has something to do with it... I dunno...). Yeah, so I'm proud and with 81 days till Thailand, I can only hope that I look as amazing as she does when the time comes.

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Sunday, December 28, 2014



Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Runaway Train... To Thailand

I feel like I can't control my eating - my collar bones are starting to disappear, my thighs are getting fat. God. I need to take control now, before it's too late. So before I go into my plan, I want to first tell you all that I went for my first snowboarding lesson today and it was a TON of fun. I loved it. I'm going again next weekend. It is however very expensive, so I have decided in conjunction with this that I'm going to do dry-January i.e. no alcohol during January. AND January is going to be my healthy month, starting today. Which means tracking my actual calories every single day and on a weekly cycle of:

Sunday 1000 calories (today 976)
Monday 900 cals 
Tuesday 800 cals 
Wednesday 500cals 
Thursday 800 cals
Friday 900 cals
Saturday 600 cals
... just in case you were wondering, I just made this up. Whatever - it can't hurt can it? 

My weight will begin with my official weigh-in as of tomorrow morning (I will log this tomorrow morning). 

The goal is 60kgs. (I estimate my weight to be at 69kg right now).

I have 82 days to do it. 

So averaging that I need to lose just under 1kg a week. I can do this. I will also do some form of physical activity every two days either kettlebell or a short 15 minute run. I CAN DO THIS. 

Today I have had 976 cals and I burnt 556 snowboarding for 90 mins. 

I will report back on my weight tomorrow morning and for shits and giggles, I'm going to do my measurements too. I need to get this back on track. I can do this.

My reward to myself is going to be THREE victoria secret bikinis for thailand... since that is what I will be living in for 2 whole wonderful weeks! :D 

Love & Determination
Xo Xo

p.s. FUCK. YEAH. Grrrrrr >.< #zerointentions 

Friday, December 26, 2014

A Roller Coaster Of Decisions That I Feel Like I Never Made

But at the same time, I did make those decisions. I made the decision to repeat a stupid rumour that I heard in the pub, leading to a miniature freak out by a 50-something year old woman which ultimately ruined my work christmas party, despite the fact that I looked smoking hot, which has in turn preoccupied my brain for the last week. Hashtag holiday ruined. 

I made the decision at the very same christmas party to get absolutely shitfaced leading to me straddling the office playboy, a fact which I am going to have to own in 9 short days. My attitude is literally going to be like 'yeah, and?' I figure the only way to live it down is if I literally just OWN it. 

I made the decision to come home from Amsterdam two days early, because it was cold and windy and I ran around for days shoving whatever illegal substances I could find into my face. Amterdam... what an AMAZING city, although sadly no love there. I made the decision to keep things going with David despite my better judgment, although it's going well. That decision to come home early however, has lead to a non-stop eating festival, which means I am the fattest I've ever been. 

But then I also made the decision to go on these diet pills, the one that Miley was on. And I did a kettlebell workout today. So hopefully, I look smashing by New Years Eve, which will be in Dublin. 

Sometimes, I just wish I could make irresponsible choices instead of being on a nonstop train of decisions which felt like they were never a decision to begin with. 

Love & Regret
Xo Xo

p.s. I regret nothing. 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

It's Like Porn

I was at a chrismukkah party on Saturday night... yes, I know that was like four days ago. THE SILLY SEASON IS BUSY, MKAY!? Anyway, I was at this party on Saturday night and I was talking to this girl - we all know the kind. The one who is super beautiful, really awesome and fearless. She was telling me that once she weighed 35kgs. Then she turned to her boyfriend and was like - yeah, I was eating like 5000 calories a day, I mean. I know I'm a bit of a fitness freak, but I was eating so much, but I was just SO skinny. I couldn't understand it, I was eating so, SO much. And everyone was freaking out, I was just really stressed and I exercise a lot. 

In the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself while she's saying this - firstly. If that was true, you wouldn't have been weighing yourself and if you did and saw you were 35kgs, you would be concerned and stop working out as much. Secondly, if you exercise enough to burn 5000 calories a day and still lose weight, you would be working out 10 - 12 hours a day - don't fuck with me honey, I know ALL the tricks. Thirdly, if you are eating 5000 calories a day and you weigh 35kgs, you are throwing up your food, see the second point. Fourthly, there is absolutely NO FUCKING WAY you eat that much, throw it up and still weigh 35kgs. Fifthly, DON'T TRY TO BULLSHIT ME HONEY. 

An eating disorder is like porn, you know it when you see it. 

Peace & Lies
Xo Xo

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

MOO. I'm A Cow.

I had chocolate for breakfast AGAIN.
Moo. I'm a cow.

I had sausage, beans, mushrooms and chips for lunch AGAIN.
Moo. I'm a cow.

I had soup, mango and hot chocolate for dinner.
Moo. I'm a cow.

I've got my period and I'm bloated.
Moo. I'm a mutha fucken cow.

I tried on my dress for the office christmas party.
Moo. I'm a FUCKING cow.

I ran from the car because it was raining and felt my fat arse jiggling in the rain.
Moo. I'm a goddamn cow.

Grass & Barley
Xo Xo

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

When Things Are Squishy

And when I say squishy, I mean me right now. Although truth be told, I have actually been "good" since Friday after the Saturday dirty burger fiasco. Well that was until today when I started my day with a mountain of chocolate. Yeah, good times. Then I had a veg sausage, beans and chips for lunch, not my finest hour. All in all, I think I did about 700 cals to that point. Anyway, so for dinner I had a salad with feta and avocado (bout 200) and I'm gonna call it a day, so not entirely a disaster. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD OVER CHRISTMAS?? Everything in my life is about eating and drinking right now, no WONDER everyone gets so fat over Christmas. Anyone got some top tips about not getting fat this time of year - tricks? Trick or treat... Think about it... ;)

I can't though, because my dress for the office Christmas party is very slinky and it needs to make jaws drop. MOREOVERWHICH, my work friend is being crushed on the sexy sales director who has a girlfriend and I'm a bit jealous, because. NO, I don't want him. Yes, he always calls me 'mate' BUT I still want him to fancy me and not her. I love her, but like. I want to be the hot one. *sad panda* So there is the jealous bitch coming out. Whatever. 

I got a new tattoo on the weekend, Of a cat, Check me out on instagram Miss_Keran :)

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Well, That Just Happened

Let me start from the beginning...

My date with Luka (the baker) last weekend was a FUCKING DISASTER! He said Kurt Cobain was an idiot... He thought that I agreed with AIDS being the 'cure' for over population of the planet. He knew the people at the restaurant professionally - like did he take me there to show me off? Why would you take a person on a second date to a place where you know everyone professionally? Anyway, so basically - he asked me if I wanted to do it again. Before I could even stop myself the words flew out of my mouth "no, not really, absolutely not." OH, the fucking KICKER!! When the bill came for the meal (after I had got a friend to 'emergency call' me to get me out of there!), he insisted on paying and then I insisted on paying, and then I said we should rock, paper, scissors it and he refused. WHEN THE FUCK DID IT BECOME THE MAN'S ROLE TO DECIDE WHO PAYS FOR THE BILL! I didn't even get a say in it - I don't need a fucking man to buy me a meal - I can buy myself a meal, hell I can buy the man a meal. I will not put up with a man who thinks he has to take care of me, fuck. that. It's like feminism never happened. 

Anyway, so fat as fuck I am. I haven't even weighed in ages, I'm too fat and I'm worried that I'm well over 70kg. So whatever, I can get this back down. I went climbing today and ate like around... 1200 cals, so it will get better. 

ANYWAY, so this week has been interesting... David and I went out for lunch last weekend and then it was all amazing - like I left super confused, like we were having a good time the way we used to have a good time. Laughing and joking around, like just normal and amazing. Anyway, so then last night we had dinner again and long story short we ended up in bed together and hung out all of today. I think it may be back on. Now. There are a couple of things that you would be thinking right now. Firstly, WHAT THE FUCK!? Apparently, he is on anti-depression meds now which he started needing around July/August, he has only been on them for three weeks. He said he was too embarrassed to admit how he was feeling then and tried to cling onto our relationship to get out of the hole he was in. So, I dunno... I feel like maybe we can actually make something work if he actually gives me my space, which he has to and I'm not going to let him start fucking... I dunno... smothering me. 

Is this is a terrible idea? 

Is this all going to go tits-up? 
Most likely. 

Do I feel like I have some reason to pursue this?
With every fibre of my being. 

I'm a fucking idiot. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Where The Fuck Is Piggy?

HELLOOOOO! It's been ages, mostly because I have been travelling around for work and haven't had a chance to get my laptop out. Sounds like a totally rubbish excuse, I know. Anyway, so I'm a hundred ton bus, because in Italy I ate almost everything that I could get my hands on. Seriously, I must've been averaging about 5000cals a day. Not even remotely exaggerating. What I learnt however is that I really don't like Italy. Italian men are were stalkery perverts. I don't know how the fuck women actually live in that place with the men constantly ogling at you. Like what the actual fuck. I also spent all my money there, which has meant that I am now totally broke, only 32 more hours until payday. So there is the silver lining. My intake today has been fine although no idea what it was exactly. I had soup for lunch, a skinny hot choc and a mountain of popcorn. 

On the man front, I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned Luka - he is 29, a baker, tattoos, skinny jeans, stretch ear thing, bald, Northern (i.e. he speaks like the Starks of Winterfell a.k.a HOT) and totally sexy. He is however a total food snob and as a result of being a baker, completely obsessed with food. It may be a horrific nightmare. But let's see. Anyway, so we went out just before my trip to Italy and it was amazing. He didn't try to feel me up or grab me or anything. Total gentleman, although I feel like he has a relationship agenda on the brain, which obviously, I'm not feeling. Anyway, we are going out on Saturday to three different places in Kings Cross, although I have no idea where any of these are... He's planned the whole thing, whereas I plan to just look gorgeous and eat as little as possible. 

Work is also going well, I've been tasked with launching an awards division at work, so like renewable energy awards ceremonies, which is a HUGE fucking deal. With this I will hopefully get to go to Mexico, Panana and Amsterdam (although I've already been there and am going back for Christmas) - which is EPIC and hopefully a lot more money, etc. etc. 

So all things considered, things are going well right now. I'm horny as all fuck, but I need to keep it together on Saturday, because I'm trying to be a classy lady. Fat as fuck though, but I am going to restrict until Christmas and get the weight down, down, down. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Friday, November 7, 2014


Have decided to do a spontaneous fast until Sunday evening at 5pm - anyone keen to join? When I say fast, I mean tea and coffee inclusive.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

And I'm Back

Binge and starve, binge and starve. This is my life. Binge. And. Starve.

Binging & Starving
Xo Xo

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

So I Weighed...

And it wasn't awful. I was 66.0kg on the dot. Actually, I'm quite pleased with that and the not weighing over the weekend was really great motivation. The plan is that I am only going to weigh in one weeks time and I am hoping to be in the 64's. I am not getting ahead of myself, I've given myself 4 months to get back down to 60, so if I'm only 1lb down next week, that's okay. Anyway, so my intake for today has been around 700 which consisted of a lentil soup (130), coffee and tea (60), nut roast (240), avocado salad (150), hot chocolate and ketchup... in fact, it may be closer to 800, but I can deal with 800. I'm not feeling fucked though... like dizzy and shit and I've restricted properly for a week and a half now, so that's positive. Usually the dizziness and weakness kicks in after a couple of days. ANYWAY, so I'm chuffed about that. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Monday, November 3, 2014

Things To Be Proud Of

Today, I have two things to be proud of, so besides the shit storm that is my personal life right now - I will tell you nonetheless. First thing is food related - I was STARVING last night (good, right?), I cracked and had a jacket potato with beans for lunch (600?) so with that, instead of having a big dinner, I had an avocado and rocket salad (150) and some hot chocolate (40). So even though it was a bumpy start, about 800 tops for the day. There was a bad start and then I made the decision to not go further.

The second thing to be proud of today is that I had a strategy meeting with my boss and she has asked me to launch a new series. I'm super excited, not because of the series, but rather because it means that I will be able to tag onto other events (including MEXICO MOTHER FUCKERSSSS!). Anyway, that's exciting and I'm super stoked. I'm really proud that my boss has recognised that I've been busting my ass for the past few months. I'm really happy. I'm wondering if there is a promotion somewhere in the works. I can only be hopeful. 

Anyway, so this is my day. I'm not even thinking about Lukasz anymore, I'm only thinking of my silver linings right now. SILVER LININGS = WORK! 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Sometimes, You Gotta Cry

Well, the 'thing' if you can even call it that, with Lukasz has fallen spectacularly to shit. Through the week when we were messaging each other, I had asked him if he could fetch me on the way to the party in Clapham on Friday night. His response was that he had a late meeting and so he couldn't say and that I shouldn't rely on him. I said to him that I only wanted to go at around 8 anyway, so no big deal. But he kept banging on about this 'late meeting', so I kinda left it at about 3pm on Friday saying - you could've just said no, but nevermind I'll see you later. Still hopeful at that point that I was going to get a little action on Friday night. Then as I am getting ready to leave the house to go to the party, Monika sent me a pic of her and Lukasz in full make up on the bus going to the party together. As in - he had fobbed me off and LIED TO ME about this late meeting for the dumbest reason in the world - i.e. that he was going to get ready with Monika - why the lie? Then Monika told him I called him a liar, etc etc. So for Friday, I completely ignored him and have continued to do until this afternoon where I kinda went columbine on his ass on whatsapp, blocked him all over everything - moving right along then. ANYWAY, he obviously knew what he had done and that I knew about it because he hasn't even tried to talk to me. So guess what ladies? I got played. Go. Me. I deserve it for what I did to David. I totally deserve it. 

All this drama has of course been epic motivation for restricting. Friday I had about 600 cals but then like a MILLION in jager and vodka. Yesterday similarly, I must've had about 1500 - consisting of a goats cheese ciabatta, small coffee, insalata tricolore, melazane alla parmigiana, limonchello and a small slice of bread. Millions of calories. Today thus far I have had about 400 calories consisting of a salad and two cups of skinny hot chocolate, a cup of tea... and that's it. I've got a mushroom and stilton nut roast for dinner, SO I should end somewhere around 700/800 depending on how much more hot chocolate I have... it is what helps me starve. 

I've also got laryngitis. AWESOME. 


Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, October 30, 2014

On My Case

Yeah, so today has been good - I've had about... 650 calories? Veggie sausages with tomato ketchup, avocado and rocket salad and tomato lentil soup with like - two cups of low cal hot choc. All in all it's totally good and I'm please with it. I still haven't weighed, because the scale is my motivation to not binge this weekend. And that's what I'm going to do. 

David has been on my case the whole day... I hate that I'm hurting him. I feel like a terrible person. :( Kiss from Lukasz tomorrow potentially, although I think he's off me. I deserve it for what I've done to David. 

Sad & Sucky
Xo Xo

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I Spoke Too Soon

David got in touch with me last night and he's having a really hard time with our break-up... as much as it fucking kills me... I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. I think... maybe this is how Roy felt about me - like the JUST. GET. OUT. OF. MY. LIFE. I mean, fuck. David is messed up. Did Roy not care at all? Was I just a pit stop for him... the way that David was a pitstop for me? Shit balls dudes, it's such a fucking hectic thing to think about. I can see how he'd do the back and forth thing with me, because even while David was falling apart I didn't feel anything except regret. Regret for having hurt him and regret for not having broken up with him before things got the way that they did. He said he had never loved anyone as much as he loves me. Am I Roy in this situation? I think I have to make sure that I don't go further down the Roy-hole and not fuck him around and continue to hurt him the way that Roy hurt me. Fuck, this sucks. 

Anyway, Lukasz is the sweetest thing in the world. He bakes, he plays volleyball, he cuddles like a champ. I am so looking forward to Friday... I'm actually kinda nervous. 

Also, why the fuck is Lady GaGa so chunky these days? Like, is it because she likes it or is it because she's all "born this way" bullshit and feels like she is compelled to be NOT flawless. You know?

I've had about 850 cals today (not great). My win however was that I had a salad at an italian restaurant for a team lunch - insalata tricolore, tomato, leaves, avo and mozzarella (I'm guessing about 500, there was a lot of cheese), two veggie sausages (200) and like 2 cups of low-cal hot choc. Not the worst day known to mankind, but hoping for a smooth 700 tomorrow. Haven't weighed. My goal is to behave this weekend and weigh on Monday somewhere around 67. Here's to hoping. I can't be fat if Lukasz is going to see me naked - 'na'd I mean. 

Love & Oh-Oh-Oh
Xo Xo

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

And I'm Back (AND SINGLE!)

Sorry for the overly long absence. The travelling has been really instance and at the end of it all, I am now fucking exhausted. So let me start at the beginning. David and I broke up. It was really awful and he cried like a little girl. I ended up faking being upset about it and then used that as more of an excuse to cut him out of my life - I blocked him on facebook, whatsapp and on my phone. I have been so much happier since we broke up, not having this weight on my shoulders... him just annoying me and bringing me down all the time, since he seemed to have a talent for bringing out the worst in me! Wait... hang on. That was after Atlantic City and before I went to South Africa (which I got back from on Saturday). ANYWAY, so. Then on Friday after David left (I was already drunk, I was downing vodka to make David crying seem less appalling than it was, but no jokes folks - men sobbing like little school girls is INTENSE!), so anyway, I texted Lukasz (who is this friend of mine that I kinda know through Monika and who was that guy that randomly showed up at my house a few weeks ago, when I was all like - this dude has a crush on me and then Monika said he didn't!) to ask him if he wanted to drink like students. He told me he was in Poland and then I took the liberty of asking him if he liked me... Like FOR FUCK SAKES PIGGY!? Why do you have to go straight there!? ANYWAY, so now the cats out of the bag. Of course a few days later I got on a plane to go to South Africa.

Before I did however, I made the dumb fucking mistake of telling Monika, or rather showing her the texts from Lukasz. Now Monika and Lukasz are really good friends. They even boned a few once, although apparently he stopped it half way through and then told me a few weeks ago, it was because he values her too much as a friend. I mean basically, he's just the nicest guy in the world. ANYWAY - so Monika kicked off because he didn't tell her and that he lied and blah blah blah and basically created the world's HUGEST FUCKING DRAMA out of nothing. In a weird way, I know what she means, because a few years ago this actually happened with Monika where I was boning this guy Ben, and then they started dating. Payback's a BITCH, mother fucker! So now that is all sorted out and he fetched me from the airport on Saturday. Then we went for the longest breakfast and just sat and chatted for ages. Now hear me when I tell you this, he reminds me of Roy. We get along the same way Roy and I do... OMG.

BUT THEN! Drama strikes! At breakfast on Saturday, we made tentative plans that he would make Monika and I dinner - but then didn't get back to me about it after I told him Monika had refused not wanting to the third wheel (like, fair e-fucking-nough!). So basically at 8pm on Saturday, I had decided FUCK HIM and went out on the piss with Monika which ended up being all kinds of fun. Then on Sunday, nothing. Not a word from him. He texted Monika, but not me... and then my borderline moment kicked in and I basically went a little bit apeshit on him.

As it transpired, he had got embarrassingly drunk at his bosses place watching the football and had left his phone at his house. He sent me a fb message at 10pm and then to my horror, read my whatsapp the next morning when his phone got returned. To. My. Horror. Because then he got to see what a fucking psycho I was. I was ADAMANT that I wasn't interested in him and that it is better this way, because anyone remotely the same as Roy can only be a disaster. Then I apologised for being a psycho and HE APOLOGISED for (not) ignoring me. Like WTF IS GOING ON!? I acted like a psychotic bitch and he's apologising to me!? WTF?!
So basically, long story short... I have been single for a week and a half... and I already have a crush. Who likes me as much as I like him. We are going to a party together on Friday for Halloween, which I am going as Dead Riding Hood. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY it will be amazing! Hopefully, I'll get a kiss. I'm not ready to jump into bed with him yet... mostly because I am nauseatingly fat and disgusting. Restricting hard girls, restricting hard. He is as MANOREXIC as Roy was, so I've got tons of motivation to get back down to 60. Everytime I see myself in the mirror, I keep reminding myself that it will take months and I need to work hard everyday and not give up - because getting down to 60 will take at least another 4 months. 4 months. 4 months.

So that's my little story. I've had 800 cals today. It's okay.

Peace & Crush Songs
Xo Xo

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


This is going to sound so fucked up - but I have really missed the joy that comes out of restricting. I had such a huge rant a few weeks ago about how sick I was of binging and starving and weighing and failing. BUTTTT, the past few days I've been restricting and it's felt really good. I am still not weighing... I haven't weighed in absolute weeks, but my clothes still feel good. I dunno... I know it takes about two or three weeks to stop thinking about food as much... or how missing meals stops being a big deal. So yeah, relearning some good bad behaviours. 

Today I had soup (210), veggie sausages (200), avocado salad (110), coffee/tea and hot choc (200), so 720 for the day - I can live with that. :)

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, October 13, 2014

Well That Failed

So my plans for a 700 calorie plan day went totally to shit when I had a baked potato with beans for lunch... and then two pudding cups (95 cals each)... so basically I've had about 1200/1300 calories for today. I don't have the heart to count, but at least it wasn't binge-a-riffic so I suppose not all is lost. I will be single soon so I need to prepare. 

I'm so done with David, this is completely unsalvageable - I just need to actually break up with him - I want a man... A grown up mature man that can take me out for dinner... or who would cook me dinner. I want to be looked after. I mean - I'm not saying that I need a man with money or that I care about anything like that, but I want to not always have to be in control. I know I'm a domineering person, but people can stick up to me - all my goddamn friends do. Fuck. I just need to figure this out. 


Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Back 2 Basics

I've been completely out of control so as of today, I'm back to old-style restricting. The holiday was quite nice, but I feel that I am completely losing control of my eating and I can't have that. Today I've had about 1000 cals, which is far too much, but tomorrow will be 700. There's sand on my keyboard... they have started laying a patio outside in the garden which has translated into a sand apocalypse in my house courtesy of my two sandmules... a.k.a cats. 

Atlantic City was awful. What a sad place - I mean, yes - it's a total dump, but it tells a very sad story about how the economy of the US has completely failed the city. Crack heads, junkies, hobos. Poverty and despair all around. I was shocked to see how the inner Philadelphia becomes slums on the outskirts of the city and how the poverty stretches well beyond the city borders. What is the government doing to protect the poor? Nothing. England knows nothing about poverty. 

I'm off to Johannesburg in a week, so the fat will continue if I don't close ranks. I will close ranks. I've got my meals planned for the week and now I just need to stick to it. I can do it. Did you know that your body goes into ketosis on less than 600 calories? Good, innit. That's gonna be my goal. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Thursday, October 2, 2014

So Whaaaat's Happening

I'm so tired. -_-

So, SO TIRED! Basically, I'm leaving for Atlantic City on Sunday and not only am I fat and disgusting, yet getting more toned, BUT I'm also fat. My clothes kinda fit funny and I bought the most stunning skirt from Zara which is so snug - I need to lose some before Tuesday next week. I can't work out past Saturday till the next Thursday. I want to try and see if our hotel has a gym - this could help me... I just checked and it does have a gym - THANK GOD! They better have kettlebells. I haven't missed a workout yet - I won't be able to work out tomorrow, so I'm going to do today - which will be the third time this week, which is good. I'm pleased that it's been a month and I've stuck to it. :) 

I'm having problems with David too - I don't know if we're going to work out. He's just... too much. I don't know if it's my stress levels which make it too much - but it's too much. 

This is a waste of a post. Sorry. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I Feel Like I Should Say Something

I don't really know what to write about today... I mean. Weight wise, I kinda feel neither here nor there about it. I'm not binging, I'm not restricting too much (net of about 1000 calories) is the goal and working out every two days. I worked out today... and yesterday, so that's good. But like - what to say? I kinda feel like my stomach looks flatter - let's see on Sunday for the before and after. It's been two and a half weeks, they say it takes three weeks to form a habit. 

Work is still intense, just as I think I've turned a corner, my workload just bounces back with vengeance. I think another three weeks of this crazy workload and then I should have caught up - to be clear, I'm not behind, because of me. I'm behind because my company restructured and I got an extra project which I'm not meant to have. FUCK MY LIFE. 

*ramble ramble* I'm getting a new tattoo in a couple of weeks with my sister. We are both getting cats on our inner biceps. Mine will be a manky, creepy alley cat. Hers will be a tribal cutesy cat. I'm excited about that.

*ramble ramble* Ramble... why do they call it rambling? I mean - doesn't sound phonetic... Is sounding phonetic an oxymoron? 

Everybody wants to be a cat. Because the cat's the only cat who knooooooooows who it's at. I'm blank? 

Who knooooooooooooooooooooooows who it's at. 

Love & Cats
Xo Xo

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Motivation Comes From Strange Places

Today's motivation came in the form of the trip to Atlantic City - basically, I have to go convince a tiny industry of around 1000 people to spend money on our project - about a quarter of a million pounds worth. Today's motivation therefore comes from the fact that the majority of the people in the industry are middle aged men. This of course means that I need to stand out. Power dress if you will. The plan is therefore to go get a sexy fucking wardrobe. I'm basically going to make sure that I look classy hot for two days. The joy of course is that I need to have as flat a stomach as possible before that. Now, I'm not convinced that the working out is helping, but I kinda think it is. Anyway, so I've yet to miss a workout, today is no exception - although I've got to still do it. I did also say that I'm going to do a before and after - and I promise I still will. I'll do it on Sunday regardless of what I look like - promise :)

Today's intake has been fine (considering I still need to workout) - Coffee (130), soup (210), pomegranate (50), beans and cheese on mash (400), yoghurt (100) andddd some hot chocolate, which I'm still to drink (100) - 990 for the day. The workout will be around 300 cals burned, so I'm okay. Still not weighing myself. 

I hope I don't become obsessed with working out, but knowing how much I hate exercising, it seems unlikely. 

Love & Kettlebells
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


The only thing of significance that happened today is that my flights were booked to Atlantic City, so Jerseyshore HERE I COME! I'm quite excited about it. I'm still fat, even though I am doing well with the working out. I've had a coffee with honey (100), soup for lunch (200), potato with beans and cheese (400) and a small coffee (50) - so 750 total - I can live with that. 

Love & Boardwalk
Xo Xo

Monday, September 22, 2014

I'm About To Try A Jillian Michaels Workout...


I'm literally feeling the worst I've ever felt about myself. I'm going to commit to a yoga class once a week, a 5k run on a Saturday morning and a kettlebell workout every two days, so I'm hoping that the results will start soon, because I don't actually think I could feel worse about myself and I've never done this much exercise consistently in my life and I'm just getting fatter and fatter. I've worked out two days in a row and now I'm going to do a third. Literally, I weighed myself yesterday and it was BRUTAL. And no, sadly it isn't muscle because girls only gain 0.5 - 1lb of muscle a week, so. It's all just nasty fat. From me eating like a disgusting pig. I'm trying to keep it at 1000 - 1200 cals on a workout day, but the last few days it has been more. Fatter and fatter. But dedication and hard work and it should start coming off. I hope.

Jillian Michaels, I'm gonna do it. Let's hope tomorrow is better.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I Weighed... And It WASN'T Good.

Yeah, I weighed myself and it was NOT good ... and to prove my point about myself - I immediately binged. Fuck. Sakes. It wasn't a bad binge, but it was two Chinese dishes and a small bag of prawn crackers. Yeaaaaah. It wasn't good, but it did put this into perspective for me. I also can't understand how I weighed so much. Well obviously, muscle weighs more than fat - but I must just be fucking fat if I weighed that much. So yeah - it may be time to get that intake down a bit more. I'm gonna weigh again on Monday. I have worked out religiously every two days for the past two weeks. ANYWAY, I just don't know do I? Fuck. 

Fuck & More Fucks
Xo Xo

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Brewing On A Thought

This isn't really anything related to my normal trend of thought on this blog, but it's something that has been stewing for a while in my head... I struggle with the idea of working for a living and the daily grind. The idea that one works hard and exhausts oneself in the pursuit of money - the idea that one can potentially never be happy working. Then I'm confronted with the conundrum of what I learnt while I was working from home for a year - which is that one needs a daily purpose to prevent the despair and depression that comes along with ambling through life. 

I wonder sometimes if the purpose of having a job is greater than just earning money and going to work because one HAS TO - the idea that as humans, in all our glorious flaws, HAVE to have a purpose towards which we have to strive in order to feel fulfilled. I think maybe this may mean different things for different people - money, actual career or work... I dunno. 

Then going back to the original conflict, the idea that we go to work are told how to dress, when to arrive and leave, when to eat and have no say in our peers around us, yet we are told that we are free... in democracy. We are not free... Then, you have the Heideggers school of thought that freedom isn't the absence of restraint. I don't know. 

Does this make any sense? When I'm sitting on the tube home in the evenings feeling exhausted and stressed out I sometimes think about why I do this to myself and whether it is actually necessary for me to put myself through this daily... but then - do I actually need it? Am I a slave to my own need to be busy? 

I don't know if I am making any sense. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, September 15, 2014

Staying Upbeat When You're Disheartened

I feel a bit defeated today... :( 

I am defeated by work, because it feels like I'm running on a hamster wheel and my projects are just not doing very well and I don't know what I can do to fix them or if it's just me. Am I the problem? My colleague, who is NOT half as good as I am... maybe she is good and I'm just the problem is getting to go on uber important business missions to Central America for weeks at a time and I can't even get to my shit. It's like they are working me like a dog on shit projects and then freeing up her schedule so she can go on amazing trips. I'm just bleak. I've finally made the decision that I'm going to go back into law, so I'll start my LPC next April. Time to be a lawyer, I'm sick of being in this role, even though the travelling is great. 

I'm defeated by my body. I'm working hard to not binge and I still haven't - legit, have not binged in two weeks, haven't weighed and HAVE worked out every two days since last Sunday - I even threw in a bonus day yesterday, but fuck it. I don't look any thinner, I don't look any more toned. I just don't feel like it's working. I mean - is this it? I finally get to a good place where I don't want to obsess over my weight on the scale and instead am taking to a binge-free, scale-free, exercising lifestyle and I'm still disgusting and fat? HOW DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO THIS!? I don't want to crack and go back. I don't want to binge and starve anymore - I just DON'T WANT THAT!!!!! But if this doesn't work then what the fuck am I going to do? I'm going to weigh myself on Monday next week and if the scale isn't reflecting, I think this "healthy" phase might be over. 

Fucking bleakers, yo. Fucking. Bleakers. 

Kak & Despair
Xo Xo

Sunday, September 14, 2014

It's All Fault For Fat Shaming ME! #obsessed

I had a really interesting conversation with a girlfriend of mine yesterday and I've been thinking about it a lot. So I thought I'd share it here, because context to this discussion is that my BFF, who still lives in Cape Town is grossly overweight. About 220lbs is my guess. Nonetheless, her major issue is that she can't control her portions and her intake. She really is a textbook case of an emotional overeater. But she also plays into her weaknesses and won't take any control of it - i.e. her issues are her issues and she is too helpless to overcome them. BE THAT AS IT MAY - we both have one person in our lives who we are a tiny bit obsessed with. Before I get to that, let me back up. 

We were having a conversation about my eating situation at the moment and how I've given up weighing for exercising. That is however a different thing entirely. SO, we were talking about this and it got onto the subject of fat shaming. Basically, a few weeks ago she got fat shamed badly by a girl who she considers to be a good friend of hers. Something along the lines of: "I've only put on my weight in the last two years, but I feel so sorry for you that you've let yourself get like this." In her words, she was annoyed. On the one hand, I'm like - bitch, you ARE FAT! How can you be surprised that people pity you - I PITY YOU. (She is also on tinder at the moment and has posted pics of herself where she looks a normal size - and I rue the day that she goes on a date and finds out that men need to know you're fat prior to the date, because when you show up and they are expecting a thin girl, you are FUCKED! Just be honest about your appearance, it will hurt less in the long run!)

ANYWAY, so we were talking about how fat shaming is just unacceptable and how my eating disorder (and her over-eating disorder to some extent) was brought on by this idea that someone had fat shamed me. Now this fat shaming came in a number of different forms - it came from all the numerous men who had hit on my skinny friends, but not me. It came from my grandfather who said (when I was 13) that I needed to go on diet after our holiday because of my stomach. It came from the (NUMEROUS) insensitive jokes from people over the years asking me if I was pregnant, because my luck - my weight all sits on my stomach. It comes from being the fat friend. It comes from being the fat daughter. It comes from wanting so desperately to be skinny to have what my thin friends had - attention. Positive attention. It comes from me not thinking that I am good enough for any of my boyfriends, because skinnier girls hit on them and OBVIOUSLY that's more attractive than me. 

Tying into this is a girl named Vicky. I met Vicky at a music festival called RAMFest, where she was camping next to us with her boyfriend at the time... whose name I forget. ANYWAY, Vicky was tiny - short and petite with the most BANGING petite body, skinny and toned. She was covered in tattoos, had a couple of cute piercings and punky short bright red hair. She walked around in a bikini the entire festival long. I was there with Roy, we had just hooked up and this was our first outing together. When it came to Vicky, I wanted to BE her. She had attitude, was alternative, smart and a total badass. Most of all, she had the appearance that I wish I had - pixie. I looked at Roy and I looked at her and I just thought - there is no way Roy and I will ever work out, because I will never look like that. Through her being her normal awesome self, she had fat shamed me. She had done absolutely nothing wrong, but she had shamed me. 

Because of that over the years, I've kept tabs on Vicky. Over the years, she has made a series of bad decisions about her appearance - bad tattoes, bad hair, bad piercings and CLEARLY bad dietary choices. Vicky has put on rather a lot of weight over the years. Every time a new picture on facebook of Vicky comes up, I send it to my BFF and we discuss how she's let herself go and I can't believe how big she is. I secretly fat shame Vicky. Never to her face obviously, because 1) the only reason I have her on fb is to stalk, not because we are friends and 2) she'd probably kick my ass all up and down the curb. 

So when I was talking to my bestie about how awful and pathetic people are that fat shame, she mentioned Vicky and how I/we fat shame her, albeit secretly. (FYI - my BFF also has a person like this, except unlike Vicky and I, she's gotten thin, while my BFF has gotten fat.) 

I don't really know what the point of this post was in all honesty. I mean - I find it ironic how the person who did nothing wrong to me, except just be her awesome self, someone I envied was one of the many people who unintentionally fat shamed me because of my own insecurities about my weight and I would easily point a finger at them for fat shaming me - is it a crime to be skinny!? Meanwhile, I am the real villain in this whole story, because I fat shamed myself and now, I fat shame her. (AGAIN, I would never do that to her face. TWO-FACED!)

I just thought I'd share this story with y'all. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Friday, September 12, 2014

Still Not Weighing

Yeah, so I still have not stepped on a scale in absolute age, but the funny thing is, I haven't binged either. I technically haven't binged in two weeks - I haven't had a big intake (more than 1500) since last week Saturday. So actually, I'm doing well. My intake for today has been somewhere in the region of 1000 which consisted of a salad for lunch, tiny bowl of olive tapenade pasta for dinner, a pudidng cup, coffee with honey and two skinny hot chocs. I haven't worked out today, but am quite stiff from yesterday's workout. I've got another one to do tomorrow. I'm still really confused about how this is all going down... would be interested to hear from anyone who maybe has found the same thing? At the same time when I post my before-and-after kettlebell pic, which will be next Sunday, I'm going to weigh too. I'm really hoping the results will look good. 

Tell me why it helps to not weigh in? Tell me why I feel more in control by not weighing?

I am so confused. 

In Control & Confused
Xo Xo

Thursday, September 11, 2014

London Fashion Week

So FINALLY this year I'm going to actually make it to fashion week in London. To say that I'm excited would be an understatement. I have literally always wanted to go since I was a teenager. I booked my tickets yesterday and I'm so mutantly excited. This of course does mean that I can't eat for a week and the day before I am running a 5k mud-run in Finsbury Park in aid of breast cancer (Cancer Research UK). So hopefully, I'll be decently skinny before then. I'm going to be working out with my kettlebell every two days now. I've only done it twice mind you, but like whatever. I'm not feeling any different. I did promise that I was going to do a before and after pic - which I will. I'll do one next week Sunday which will be two weeks in. I think that's 7 workouts. So hopefully, it will look impressive ;). 

I still haven't weighed myself and I've been restricting, but not calorie counting (LIAR, I can't even stop myself anymore) ... well. More like - I'm not obsessively calorie counting anymore. Well, at the moment. I've keen doing around 800 - 1200 for the past two weeks and haven't really binged. I'd be interested to see what my weight is, but don't feel the need to weigh right now. 

I don't know how to explain it. It's like... the pressure isn't there anymore and it's kinda like I don't feel the need to binge if I cheat or have something I know I shouldn't because it doesn't feel like I've got to face the scale tomorrow. And you know when that happens, you just go on a massive binge, because you've fucked the scale so now you are just going to fuck it properly and start again tomorrow. Does that make sense? I'm sure it makes sense.

My intake today was coffee with milk and honey, a chickpea salad for lunch, tiny bit of pasta with olive tapenade and a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese. As a reward for working out, I'm going to have a small mug of low cal hot chocolate, a pudding cup and some pomegranate. Sounds like a ton doesn't it? (Reality - around 1000 cals, I can't live with that)

Love & Fash-Ho
Xo Xo

Monday, September 8, 2014

Just When Things Get Good

So I tried my new kettlebell yesterday, as I said - and I am stiff today, but not unbearably so. I'm aiming to workout every second day, so today I don't have to which is just as fucking well because I worked an 11 hour day today at work and just got home. I'm still not weighing myself and it's fucking liberating. The whole weekend I didn't actually binge - not like terribly anyway. I mean, I definitely didn't go over 2000 on Friday or Saturday... Yesterday ended up being fine. Today's intake was also okay - I'm trying not to obsess. I really do feel liberated... I don't know what has changed with me all of a sudden - like I can't be arsed to obsessively count calories right now? Am I recovering? I don't really know what's going on? I'm really confused, because I don't want to eat more and I still want to be thin - but I don't want to weigh myself and I don't want to like.. Yeah - I don't actually know. This has never happened to me before... 

Also, HAPPY 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!! August 26th was the 3 year anniversary of my blog - how mental is that? I feel like I need to do a belated birthday edition or something. 

ANYWAY AND so despite being stiff and not having a terrible intake for the last week or so, I'm so fucking bloated - my stomach is literally distended. It's disgusting. I do have my period though, so that is why, but it's awful. I don't know how pregnant people do this - it's SO uncomfortable. Awful. 

Bloated & Confused
Xo Xo

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Making Progress

So I've been trying a couple of things differently for the past week and I feel like I need to share these. The first thing is that I haven't weighed myself in two weeks. My intake has been good - around 1000 - 1200 and not having the pressure of stepping on the scale every morning makes it a little bit easier to accept that kind of intake. I don't feel like I am being fat, because I don't feel full. But I'm also not beating myself up. ALSO, I don't feel the need to binge at the moment. I mean, I don't really know what has changed for me, but I think I might keep going with not weighing for a little while. Maybe I'll weigh once a week... dunno. Maybe. 

The other thing that I've been doing is kettlebell workouts. Okay, not workouts. I bought one last week online, because carrying a huge thing home was gonna be too much for me, but then it hasn't arrived, because the courier is useless. So I cancelled that order and went to buy one from the store. I did my first workout an hour ago and my muscles are useless and shaky. Because, I've never been a workout person. I mean - I have no muscles. I'm determined to look good though. I want to have some muscles and feel strong. 

I don't know what's going on with me right now, but there it is. 

... I have something else that I need advice on, but don't have time to write about it right now, so I'll post again a bit later. It's a bit of a boy drama... which confuses me... and DON'T WORRY - it isn't about Roy. :) 

Strength & Love 
Xo Xo

Thursday, September 4, 2014

American Ninja Warrior

Does anyone else watch this? I know I'm a bit of a lad when it comes to my tv watching habits, but I'm totally obsessed with it. The reason I'm asking if y'all watch it is because on the ep that I watched tonight there is a guy on the episode I'm watching right now that recovered from the depths of ana (m-ana - LOL, manorexia, yes I know I shouldn't joke) because of the show. Basically he saw the show and how the perfect athletic body is strong and capable, so he gained 60lbs of muscle in 6 months. On the face of it, one might say that this is inspirational. But... My thoughts on the matter tend to be a little bit more cynical and the idea that one can recover from going from one extreme (skinny) to another extreme (kick-ass athlete) in that amount of time... Doesn't it sound like 'recovery' to me. But then again, I'm not a shrink, nor do I know him - but knowing what I know about this, I'm cynical. Anyway, judge for yourselves - his name is Brant Axt. This to me is particularly the case because his anorexia stemmed from believing that skinny is the way an athlete is meant to look, then on discovering that an athlete should look differently, he went straight to that extreme. I mean I dunno - am I just being a dick? 

What do you guys think?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

My Newest Purchase Is *drum roll*

A KETTLEBELL! That's right folks, I have purchased a piece of exercise equipment. I really want a flat tummy and since I am clearly FUCKING SHIT at starving myself, I'm gonna have to substitute my lack of discipline and disgusting fat habits with some exercise. I'm going to post a before and after pic - 1 month. I want to try for three times a week of working out for 1 month. I've found some videos on youtube that look simple enough. I AM DOING THIS! And keeping my intake down below 1000 for the whole of September. I'm so tired of this cycle of binging and starving, like. I'm just so sick of it. I just want to consistently eat 1000 cals a day. Is that so hard? Apparently it is. Anyway, I've got to try something different, because I'm just failing. I lose two pounds, I gain them back. Fuck, I'm so tired of binging and starving. I've been doing this for 10 years now. I wish I could stop. I'm not thin enough to be ano, I don't purge so I'm not mia, but this cycle is just disgusting. I just want to stop binging. I hate binging. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. 

My flights for Johannesburg are booked for October, I really wish I could go to Vegas instead like I was meant to... Man, things are heating up. I'm going to need to buckle down and hibernate for September and October to get my shit done. I can DO THIS! 

Wish me luck?

Peace & Strength
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cry Or Rant?

I'm not sure which one I'd rather do. So this is what fucking sucks right now - work, my weight, my relationship, my appetite, my skin, my colleagues, the weather, my flat, my lack of clean underwear and my bank balance. I've also just found out that my fat, cottage cheese director who wear trousers that are four sizes too small for her and has the thighs of a large dinosaur is coming on a trip to Johannesburg with me. I'm so pissed off, because it is essentially micro-management and policing 10000 miles away from home. I can only imagine it now - and I have to deal with her AWFUL - and I fucking mean AWFUL - power suits. I mean - who the fuck still wears trouser/blazer combos? And she doesn't wear a stitch of make-up to work, which is totally fine, because neither do I - the only different between her and I is that I am young, have smooth skin (mostly - rich considering I just bitched about it being bad, it is right now - not normally though) AND I don't have nasty mousy brown hair which is frizzy tied in a bun. Literally - the only thing that is good about her is her taste in shoes - WHICH I MIGHT ADD she cannot a fuck walk in. There is this dip in the floor of the office which she routinely falls over - to the extent that she got the maintenance and facilities guys to put red tape over (looks like someone was fucking murdered there). Short, fat, arrogant, unattractive. All on a destination event. I can't even get started on the frizzy-haired logistics manager that started today - I'm talking like - her hair is red feathers. Bad dye job, worse maintenance. Terrible. 

Speaking of hair - I'm going blonde again on Friday which I'm super excited about. I'm getting highlights this time instead of a bleach. I'm pretty damn stoked, but now to get my intake right. 

Today I've had... like. Coffee with sugar/milk (200), one square of chocolate (20), pesto pasta (420) and blueberries (60) - total of 700 for the day. I'll take it. I need to look fabulous for Friday as it is my 4 year anniversary of coming to London (although I did live in South Africa for just over a year in that time), so... we are celebrating and I need to look amazing for then. Viva la STARVATION! 

Earl Grey & Coffee
Xo Xo

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Weighed This Morning

And it was fucking terrible, so I shan't be sharing. BUT I PROMISE that I will update my weight on Monday. I can't even face how disgusting I've let myself become. Shit. Sakes. ANYWAY. SO. 

My appraisal went well today. Like no jokes, it wasn't bad at all. There is obviously a list of things that I need to work on, but for the most part it was good and positive. 

Intake for today is like... 800. Coffee, milkshake, chocolate and a salad... I may just eat some pombears, cuz I really feel like a snack. 

I'm so fat. 

Progress & Regression
Xo Xo

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I don't really have much to say today - still haven't weighed in obviously. It is likely that I won't weigh until Monday, if I survive the next week that is. I have my annual appraisal at work tomorrow and I am absolutely shitting myself. Like, what if I'm not performing. I mean - fuck it. I don't like criticism. At all. Siiiiiigh. ANYWAY. I'll get over it. I've been hitting my targets mostly. So like. Whatevs. 

I think this boy at work has a crush on me too... like truth me told. AND I KNOW THIS SOUNDS FUCKING SUPERFICIAL. But he is minging. Well, no. Not minging. But he's got a beer belly (NO!!!) and he has the nastiest teeth (NO NO NO, ohhhhhhhhhhh NO!). More over which, he is just not my type. But he is a really nice guy, but minging. My two biggest turn offs - fat and bad teeth. #minging... speaking of boys. David is kinda working on my nerves at the moment, not through any fault of his own, but I just need some space. Some alone time. Like, he was in Prague all weekend and only got back yesterday and don't get me wrong, I did miss him. But I don't know.. I still want to be alone. 

Intake today has been abysmal. I had a ton of maltezers at work and a biscuit (300), coffee with milk and sugar (150), a kiddie shake (70), a lentil salad with dinner (290) for a total of 810 for the day. I was aiming for the 700s, but those FUCKING MALTEZERS! Shows you how quickly the fucking snacks can fuck you over. Siiiiiiigh. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

Hope & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Wanna Know What I've Been Doing?

I've been eating and eating and eating. And then I've eaten some more. I literally got down to a nice weight and then I got stressed smoked a shiton of weed and ate for a week and a half. Baddddd piggy. Hello bulimia - how are you? Shit I forgot how much I love binging and starving myself. Awesome. Just. Awesome. 

Anyway, so today I'm back on it. I've had my weed for the month and now back to being serious. I wander sometimes about the people that have read this blog for ages - I probably didn't need to tell you what I was doing, you probably know. Like when someone disappears off the bloggersphere for long enough, you just KNOW that they've failed. It does, admittedly, take a while to like.. Accept your failure. Yet. Again. 

Anyway, so today I managed to not eat until dinner (only coffee... 150), a baby milkshake thing (70), a mango (200) and potato cakes (502). Yeah, so I can accept that for the day 872. For the first day anyway. Tomorrow, I'm going to aim for 700 cals. 

I shan't weigh for a while still. I'm too afraid. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, August 7, 2014

What A Write Off

I will not binge, I will not binge, I will not binge. I want to binge, I want to binge, I want to binge. Yesterday at the restaurant was a disaster. I weighed 64.3kg today. I'm sure it was just food weight though. Today, I've had about 1000. I'm so fat right now. It's disgusting. Siiiiiiiigh. I just want to binge. I WANT TO BINGE ON CHINESE! Siiiiiigh.

Peace & CHINESE!
Xo Xo

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Not Much To Say, EXCEPT...

This morning, MAGICALLY, I weighed in at 63.7kg. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I'm totally fucking happy about this. Like. I wasn't expecting it and I keep expecting to hit a wall. Today so far I've had about 600 cals, but David is coming over now and we are going for dinner. He wants to go for dinner, I just want to have some crackers and be done with it. I want to make sure that I still go gluten free and make sure that I don't have a big main... or keep it as low-cal as possible. FUCK. I'm feeling really anxious about it. I don't want to go for dinner, because I don't want to gain tomorrow, but I don't want to ruin his good mood. ANYWAY. Wish me luck?

Fear & Anxiety
Xo Xo

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


Today has been a generally productive day, all things considered. We had the big company announcement today which details the new restructuring and also who the redundancies were. I am not one of them, although I did find out that due to scheduling conflicts and a trip that I need to take - instead of going to a tradeshow in Las Vegas in October, I'll be running a conference in Johannesburg instead. I am FUCKING BLEAK. I HATE Joburg. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! Anyway, I still have a job and I got a raise, so that's the important thing. 

Today weight-wise - it was awesome. I was 64.3kg. I am ecstatic. Tomorrow, I am hoping to be below 64 - although with the way my body works, it probably won't right? Anyway, today I had a chickpea and avocado salad for lunch... (350?), coffee with milk (2 sugars - 150) and then I had crackers with hummus for dinner (250) and a nectarine (50), so total for the day is about 800. I'll accept. I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully I won't have to get any more tests and my period will just cooperate. Let's hope. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, August 4, 2014

Boob Scans, Boyfriends, Besties & FAT FAT FAT

Just the quickest of quick blogs. I'm exhausted. This weekend was full of partying and fun. It was, in summary - absolutely amazing. And I looked reasonably skinny doing it. I was down to 63.1kg on Saturday - but it was post hangover, which means that it was dehydrated hangover weight and then on Saturday, being good with food and no boozing, back up to 64.1kg. A more fair assessment I think. BUT THEN YESTERDAY. We went to the park and ate, ate, ATE. My sister and her husband were here and I literally could die of guilt and empathy for them. They are having such a hard time of moving to London. Her husband is commuting for 6 hours a day (yes, that's right. One more than 5 and one less than 7). I have invited them both to stay here for the weekend and to actually come stay here permanently with me until they find a place of their own. I just want them to not get broken with how shit and difficult it is to move to another country, on top of which. London. It's a hard place to get settled. 

ANYWAY, that aside. Today, I went to the hospital to the Breast Cancer Clinic to have a scan of my breasts (remember, I had a lump). As it turns out, I've got four lumps that aren't actually lumps and just a result of the fact that I don't have a lot of fat on my breasts relative to the amount of glandular tissue - so basically, I am cursed with lumpy breasts, but THEN. I've basically had my period for two weeks and three days - not normal, very annoying and potentially indicative of a bigger problem. So I've got another round of doctors appts starting on Wednesday. It. Fucking. Sucks. 

So then lastly the important bit - today I've been okay - while at the hospital I cracked and had a bag of crisps and a coke light (263), at work I had three coffees with three sugars (one each, 130), two nectarines when I got home (100?) and actual real, honest-to-god mussels (260). Yes people, I ate seafood today. The breast doctor told me that I need to bulk up my iron content because I'm bleeding like a mother fucker today and short of eating high cal massive cups of lentils, I decided on mussels (low in cals, high in iron). It was weird, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. ANYWAY - so total for the day is somewhere around 850. I can live with that. I'm really hoping that despite my binge yesterday, I am sub-65. WISH ME LUCK!? I need to be in the 63's by the weekend. Please, oh please. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sometimes, Life Throws You A Bone

And for me, today was that day. I can't even begin to describe how ecstatic I am today for a number of reasons. Man - where the fuck do I even begin? So the obvious place to start is all the crap that is going on at work. I declined the offer from the new company. Fucking hell, Piggy! Are you mad? Well, my boss today matched the salary that I was offered. I actually feel valued at the company for the first time since I started there and midst all of the drama and redundancies going on - they actually WANT me to stay. So not only am I earning 15% more than I was before, I don't have to change companies and sacrifice my amazing portfolio. To say that I am happy about this would be the understatement of the century. Oh. My. God. 

The second reason that I am so happy is that today I did something VERY grown up - I bought a mattress. I basically live in mattress hell at the moment, I've been on a manky gross futon mattress for almost two years now and I bought a new one for myself. It cost a small fortune, but MOTHER FUCKERS, there is some adult shit goin' on up in her'! I know I'm not a gangster, but let me have this one, foo'!

The third and fourth thing go hand in hand. Weight. Yup, I weighed in at a lovely 63.7kg this morning. I mean like. WTF? Isn't that AMAZING? That's 2lbs/1kg overnight. Of course that means that I will probably gain tomorrow, because that's always how it is. But I'm well pleased. Today wasn't great foodwise - I had hummus and crackers (220, 164 and cucumber 20?), a tall ice coffee from Starbucks (150) and then the kicker - it was a tomato and rocket salad, with the tiniest shaving of pecorino on it and then courguette fritters - I have no idea how many calories. and a nectarine - if I had to guess, I'd guess that I'm somewhere around 1000 for the day. I'm really hoping that I at least maintain for tomorrow. OH and then number 4 - I bought an age 11 - 12 dress today for a party on Saturday AND IT FITS! OMG. Amazing right? Who says kids clothes are only for kids? 

I have also decided to start dry brushing. I think it's the right thing to do to tackle this nasty cellulite that I have on my butt and thighs. It's not bad mind you, but Miranda Kerr dry brushes and she is HOT, so I shall too! 

Love & Happiness
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Success Is Sometimes An Awful Thing

I've had a couple of successes today - three in fact. And although I'm super pleased with all of them, I'm torn about the two. So let me start from the beginning. After my EPIC binge on Monday and a good day yesterday, I hopped on the scale this morning and lo-and-fucking-behold = 64.7kg. WHAT WHAT!? Anyway, so today I'm aiming for 800 - I've having some BBQ "chicken" nuggets for lunch (460) and a salad for dinner (220) and maybe some fruit. 

Second success of the day was that the job offer I got yesterday, the company agreed to pay me a higher salary - so basically, I successfully negotiated my basic up. Now, what makes this a hard success is that I then had my redundancy consultation this morning and my role is not being made redundant (third success), but that in the midst of people getting made redundant, I had to ask for them to match my offer from the other company or I'd resign. It's just such bad timing and I didn't mean for it to turn out this way, but c'est la vie. So they will let me know by the end of the day whether they will, which I doubt they will or I am resigning. So, sadness midst the success. I really hope that they can match it, but if they won't I will know exactly where I stand with the company - i.e. that they do not value me as a member of the company. So basically, it will be fine either way and I will have lots of new moneys to spend on cars and clothes and frivolous things! :)

ANYWAY, wish me luck?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Shit Is Going DOWN!

Well, well. The shit has hit the fan at my work in a BIG way. Tomorrow we will find out who has been made redundant. I also got offered a job today. The salary isn't right, but I may take it if I get made redundant. I'm trying to negotiate them up by a couple of grand but I'm SO worried that they will withdraw the offer for me being greedy. ANYWAY. By tomorrow at 11am I will know whether or not I am leaving the company one way or another. Best case scenario is that the new company agrees to a slightly higher salary and that my current company gives me three months pay in lieu of redundancy. BECAUSE then I can take a month off and go on holiday to Thailand, buy a new car and then start a new job at the end of August. I doubt it will all work out like that. But let's see. WISH ME LUCK!! 

So, yesterday I binged. And I binged good. I felt sick and I was stressed. Weirdly enough though, I woke up only 0.7kg heavier than I was the day before. I'm only having about 500 cals today, so I'm hoping for a good outcome on the scales tomorrow. Today I had four cups of tea with sugar (SUGAR, I KNOW 150 cals), and a salad... maybe aboout 250, and three hershey kisses (66). So yeah. It's okay. 

WISH ME LUCK GUYS! I'm gonna need it! 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When Saturday Turned Into Fat-her-day!

So Friday ended up being like totally fine right! I didn't eat anything more after I posted, so HOORAY for no more binging on Fridays, now just to keep that up in the future. But then yesterday, I went and saw my mother for the first time since she arrived here like... two months ago. And ended up getting drunk on Pims and eating like a pig and then having snacks and a burger afterwards with David. Not my best, but to be fair - I weighed in at 64.9kg on Saturday morning. I was 65.6 this morning, so not too bad. I didn't binge properly, like the extent to which you feel ill. Just ate too much. ANYWAY, but today I've not had too much. I'm finished eating for the day - have had a latte, vegan slices with hummus, gherkins and cucumber - total of which is I'd say around 800. So that's me for the day. 

David and I also went to Ikea and I opened a savings account. I am trying to be a more responsible adult and with this new job prospect coming up, I'm going to be earning more money. So I want to start saving for my car fund (which needs to include a year's insurance too) and then I want to start saving for a house. I figure, if I can just get my weight down along with all of this - my life will be epic again. :)

ANYWAY, another very important thing that I did on Friday was that I updated my GWs, CW and LW on my blog page (if y'all noticed). So I have finally faced the fact that I'm lardish compared to what I used to be and that in order to get down to it, I needto realign and realise that this is going to be as hard as it was the first time and that it isn't a two week starve solution. I feel really good about doing it, because it's like realigning my mindset to where I need to be. :)

Love & Determination
Xo Xo

Friday, July 25, 2014

Usually What Happens

Is that I write this post about how my intake has been fine for the day and then I go off and binge. So help me god, now that I have admitted to this little weakness, I am NOT GOING TO BINGE! Say it with me: "I WILL NOT BINGE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!" I won't. 

Today, my intake could be better, however. I'm okay with it. It all came down to those SODDING Doritos. Anyway, so I had coffee (two sugars and milk, 100), lentil salad (240), doritos (150 - I think, it may be less, but rather safe than sorry), two maltezer balls (20), a small portion of oven chips (168), a little bit of pesto (60), ketchup (35), a nectarine (40) and a wholeeeee bunch of tomatos (65). Total for the day 878. 

I managed a loss on the scale today of 0.2kg, so I'm hoping that tomorrow will be just as good. Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Laughing Is All I Can Do Sometimes

I fucking gained a pound this morning. Back up by 0.4kg. Can you even believe it? I'm not going to get pissed off - WHATEVER. It will go down again eventually. So I just need to stick to it today, which is going to be difficult, because my dear drunk boyfriend is drunk (he finished exams today) and on his way back to mine with mcdonalds. Don't eat it, Piggy. He eats so fast. You only have to hold out for a few minutes. 

My intake today is okayish. I've had to skip dinner, because I gave in to the work temptation today and had two biscuits (gluten-free, right? NOT 162) and a small handful of cashews (100). So that in addition to a salad for lunch (240), coffee (130) and a nectarine (40) brings my total for today to 670. Not great, but let us hope for a loss tomorrow. 


Peace & Positivity
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

What, What!?

Dudes, DUDES! I lost 0.7kg this morning on the scale - can you even fucking cope!? I can't. I'm lower than I was when I plateaued a couple of weeks ago (pre-binge obviously). Anyway, I'm SO pleased. I'm hoping that this means that the running has kick started my metabolism and that I'm going to just drop the weight super quickly. Probably not. Anyway, I haven't run since Sunday. BUT. My logic is such: I always start exercising and then I stop because I go at it hammer and tongs. So I will go six days a week and then I will fail and be angry with myself. So I've said to myself that as long as I can go for one solitary run a week, I won't be mad. So I'll go this weekend maybe. 

I've now got three interviews next week - EECK! One of them is the second interview from the one earlier this week and the other two are new roles. I did get a job spec today for diet and nutrition industries - I would legit die to get that job. As we all know - ED-girl dream innit?? 

Anyway, today's intake has been okay. Still gluten free and for the second day in a row, I've managed to resist the plethora of biscuits and sweets that have occupied my desk for the last two days. Literally, there has been a ton. Today there were packets of hobnobs, oreos, chocolate fingers and TUC biscuits. I didn't have a single one. *snaps* for Piggy. SERIOUSLY MUTHA FUCKERS - *SNAPS* for me. *dance dance*. Anyway, so my actual intake. I had normal coffee amounts (4 coffees, one spoon of sugar 100cals), a lentil salad (220), two clementines (70), one nectarine (40) and lastly two vegan sausages (gluten free, 260). 690 calories total today. I'm quite pleased with that. It is always a challenge to resist having a big dinner. 

So I'm hoping that I will lose again tomorrow. I must say, the combination of gluten free and minimal exercise has really made such a difference. So let's hope it isn't a fluke and that the loss continues. Man, I'd kill to be 1kg lighter by Monday. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Small Victories

This morning when I stepped on the scale I had lost 1.3kgs. I was absolutely amazed, but this goes to show what Kay mentioned about how you weight fluctuates up and down by about 2/3lbs with your period. I'm hoping that this is also a good sign for my weightloss and that the running is going to work with the weight loss. I'm hoping that tomorrow will also be a loss for me. Today I've had a lentil salad (250 max), coffee (120), four nectarines (180), the tiniest slice of cheese (20) and a tiny glass of wine (150) for a total of 720 for the day. I'm happy with that. Fingers crossed for a loss!! AKA A WIN!! We can all use a win sometimes. 

I've also discovered two seasons of unwatched Supersize vs Superskinny - DUDES, you can watch it on youtube, so get watching. It is the greatest thinspo ever. I'm feeling strong at the moment and I find watching fat people really helps me. Also, watching people who are teeeeny tiny without even trying is really inspiring, cuz it makes our lack of willpower sometimes completely inexcusable. 

I wanted to also share Jen's comment that she left on my last post on the subject of being gluten free:
"the only advice i can give you is that... when trying to go gluten free, don't buy things that are "gluten-free"... It defeats the purpose (of not eating)....and god forbid, the dreaded "gluten free bread"... -shivers-"
I think this is really good and important advice and thanks to Jen for sharing. Much like how fat people think that they can still eat loads and be skinny. The reality is that it isn't true for most people. The reality about being gluten free I think is learning to live without those foods. As a vegetarian, I do try to stay away from meat-imitation products for this exact reason - if I wanted meat-like products, I'd just eat meat... I'm not sure if that even makes sense. But whatever you take away from that comment, GO JEN! 

... Everyone *snaps* for Jen. :) 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, July 21, 2014

Interview (& NEW BLOGS PLEASE)

The interview went well. I got invited back for a second interview on the spot. So next week Tuesday, I've got my second with them for which I have to prepare a project. Which is not great. But I figure that I have the interpersonal skills to razzle dazzle, so now all I have to do is dedicate the time to completing this project and I will be laughing all the way to the bank. Motivation often comes in strange forms and today's motivation is courtesy of my colleague Kate, who I found out earns 4k more than me. The insult is that (and don't get me wrong, she is amazing and I love her) I'm better than she is. So fuck it. Fuck this company. I'm outta there as soon as I get a job. Screw it.

Today I've had coffee with sugar (two/three cups; 150?), three biscuits (154) and a lentil salad (which apart from the lentils and 60 cals worth of tofu, total can absolutely not be more than 250). So that's 554 for the day. I definitely am going to have a small clementine and a cup of tea. I will be asleep in like an hour. I'm exhausted. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm still enormous and I haven't had a chance to go for a run. I'm hoping for a loss tomorrow. (Have I told you guys that I'm trying gluten free for a month?)

Last night I started cleaning up my blog reading list. I had 210 blogs on that list from when I started this blog almost three years ago (GOD, 3 YEARS!?) and I've gotten down to the letter 'M' and I'm down to 100. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ALL OF US? I know that a lot of the people that have read and commented and followed this blog have been silly little teenagers who glamourise eating disorders. But fuck me. More than two thirds of the blogs that have been started were abandoned or deleted. ANYWAY. Point is that if you read this and you have a blog, won't you leave the URL in the comments so that I can follow you... (Also to my old readers, I do still read, I just don't always comment - you KNOW who are and that I love you #Sammy4Evs).


Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

What's Been Happening

I don't understand my body, I have no idea what the fuck is going on right now. Legit - I'm not eating a lot, but I'm getting fatter. It's just a losing battle constantly. I think it may be stress. ANYWAY. Oh and I got my period surprisingly yesterday, so... that may be it. ANYWAY. So I weighed myself today and yesterday and let me tell you - I have not seen that number in a really long time. It's a scary high number. FUCK. Anyway, I've taken charge. I'm aiming for 1000 cals a day plus a 15/20 minute run 5/6 days a week. I'm going to try this for two weeks and see how I go. 

I've also been arguing a lot with David, because he watches me.This morning, he watched me weigh myself. Like he walked past as I was doing it and then stopped and watched. So naturally, I completely flipped my shit with him. I screamed at him in an instant and then ran and hide in the other room. Who the fuck (!?) does he think he is? WHO DOES THAT!? I am so fucking angry about it. Is nothing in this world sacred? I mean for FUCK sakes. I need my privacy and if he can't give me that, then he needs to get the fuck out. 

I've also got an interview tomorrow morning... Hopefully I'll get the job. :) I hope so.. It is doing production, same as I'm doing now. I will however have to leave renewables, as this role is in telecoms. But it's exciting, it's all mobiles and tablets. VERY. Cool. I really like the company and would like to make sure that I'm the right fit for it. I'm excited. Wish me luck?

Owing to my fatness, I also just took some laxies even though I swore that I wouldn't take anymore. I hate it. I need to go for my run, but it's pouring with rain.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Total Fucking Shitstorm & Then Some

Things are just going to absolute shit at the moment in my life. God forbid the 'happiness' last long at all, time for the next sodding hurdle and fuck me. I wish it would all just go away for a while. Work is a total shitshow at the moment. With a new MD, the company is slowly realising the trouble that it is in and for better or worse, I'm completely willing to weather the storm. EXCEPT. Now they've told us that someone from my team of 7 is going to be out of a job by the end of the year. So my options are to wait around and hope that I don't get sacked or to find another job. I've chosen to do the latter. I mean in essence, I will have to wait around for the BIG REVEAL, but ultimately I've made the decision to the GTFO. It's so stressful and I'm an anxious wreck for most of the time. I can't do my job properly, because I'm completely distracted. It is awful. The upside is that the jobs I'm looking at are significantly better paid than my current role and more senior. Every cloud... 

The other side of it is that I smoked all weekend, which means I ate all weekend and am enormous. Today I had a couple too many cals but on the whole I'm at around 1200. I can deal. Too terrified to step on the scale. Awful. Awful. Awful. 

Awful & More Awful
Xo Xo

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Because I Was Weak...

I now have to be strong. Quick update, because David will be here any second. I didn't binge after my post last night, so all-in-all yesterday was a relative success. Today however, I was weak from start to finish so now come dinner time, I need to be strong. I had a soy latte (148) from starbucks, I then had corguette fritters with sweet chilli sauce and salad for lunch (guessing around 400?), a biscuit (67), three small squares of chocolate (90?) and a monster (15) - total therefore is 720... oh and add three cups of coffee (no sugar), so 800. HOWEVER, I am going to have a little bit of wine, I'm guessing the content of which is around 400 cals. So 1200 for the day is not great, however to be proactive, I am not having any dinner. YES WE CAN! I'm a bit miserable that I can't have dinner, but if I hadn't have had the chocolate and the latte... or the biscuit, I'd be able to. Fuck it. 

I still haven't weighed in. I'm still too bloated and scared. I will though... eventually. Maybe tomorrow just to see where I am. I've already planned my lunch for tomorrow, so that's sorted. I just need to make it to lunch without eating anything AND NO LATTES! 

Follow me on twitter peeps :) @FatPiggyFlowers! 

Twitter & Instagram (WHORE!)
Xo Xo