Saturday, June 30, 2012

BMI = 17.9

This morning I weighed in at... 55.5kg. HOLY FUCK! That's 1lb from my UGW. Jesus fuck, what the hell am I going to do when I get to that weight... well firstly, I need to reflect. I mean, this is as thin as I am ever going to be. I promised that i wouldn't get thinner than that. So. I need to not lose anymore weight after 55. I mean I guess a sway of 2kgs is okay. But I need to learn to eat to maintain. I am also going to try on ALL of my clothes and oh lawdy me, they better fit perfectly and not be tight at all. I can't believe it. This is such a low weight for me. Yesterday I didn't feel like eating at all so i had two oranges and about five cups of tea. Today i have to do work, so I am making myself some breakfast. I think today I shall aim for about 800 calories so that my brain functions properly and my body of course, because my body is very weak at the moment. Standing up in the shower is really difficult. Walking up stairs is difficult too. I feel like I'm going to faint, and i don't like this. So today, I am going to try and eat. I am still doing the clean eating thing. And i need to try get more iron in my diet. But my strictly vegetarian diet - brocolli. Yum. Not.

To answer a question from my previous blog... I don't find that restricting affects my mind that much, like generally I function on normally. I also usually don't heavily restrict for long periods of time. I try to go for about 600 - 800 cals a day and generally I can function quite well on that. I do consider this a lot because the work that I do is very academic. And I need to be sharp in order to do it properly. I also drink a lot of caffeine despite myself, but yes. At the moment, i am pretty iron deficient and have been restricting quite heavily, so I know that I need to eat to get myself back a little bit. I guess you learn what you body can deal with as these things go along.  :)

Love & UGW
Xo Xo

Friday, June 29, 2012

Oranges Ahoy

I have a serious thing about oranges at the moment. Like no jokes. I eat them like mad. Yesterday morning I had a total binge and then slept all day. Today has been amazing so far. Like. I fasted for 30 hours - just water. And now I have had one orange and three cups of tea. I will probably have another orange. :) I just love oranges right now, it's so crazy. I also had an edamame bean and mint salad with is about 300 cals, so today i am well in 600 cal limit. My total intake today is 450 cals. Which is good. I was trying on loads of my thin clothes this evening and I must say, if i am ever too fat to fit in them. I will just die. *sigh* I am 57 today, so still on a bit of a plateau but given the awful binge of yesterday morning, I am not surprised. I am sure i can get it down in a week or two. God, these last two kgs are just not fucking going ANYWHERE!

I have to say that at the moment life feels pretty happy. I am still broke, but hopefully the company will change that. Things with the boy are finally in a good stable space. And i feel like we are moving forward in the right direction. I'm very very happy with how things are going with us. And all it is taking is a little less neurosis from me and just talking about situations that make me feel uncomfortable. Like he's been super busy with work at the moment and so i haven't really spoken to him all week. Instead of getting stroppy and neurotic about it, I told him that even if he's busy, just a little text to say hi, I'm alive works for me otherwise i think I've done something wrong etc etc and he totally understood my point. Anyway, for once, i feel like we are on the same page.

I'm busy looking at website templates, my site is definitely going to be pink in some manner. Me and my candyfloss addiction (not really, i HATE candyfloss). A friend of mine has also asked me to give legal advice of his business stuff, so there is some exposure and money to be made there. It's really nice to be doing well and having direction. I just need to make some friends in London and stay the FUCK away from alcohol. :) I can do this.

Love & Edamame
Xo Xo

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Corset & Food Porn (pic)

Yes, that's right. I took a picture of the corset. It is so blurry though, because my camera is so mega shit and I am shaking like a leaf today. I have had about 700 cals today... maybe a little more. But considering it was munchies, I'm not overly concerned. I am feeling so at ease and rested today, although just funny. Dizzy even. To answer one of the comments, I'm not sure how I got so many followers, but I will say it has been really cool watching the stats go up every month. I guess people just like what they read, so they come back to it. Anyway, so today I weighed in at 57kg. So ladies and gents, a new *drum roll* lowest weight!! Let the penguin dances begin. Keen, you know. Work is coming along steadily, which is fabulisimo... I am so lucky to have this going along so quickly. I have been watching a lot of Masterchef Australia, which is like my new favourite food porn show. OMG. The masterclasses are just my favourite thing. I love cooking. I mean I get so much satisfaction out of just watching those shows that I don't feel like i want to eat. It's so weird. It's like anything I could make in comparison would just be shitty... I think that's a bit nutty anyway...

Right so the pic. Again, I'm sorry it's so blurry - to recap: Shitty camera, shaky piggy. And my jeans are so big so my bottom looks fat. But ignore. :)

Love & Corsets
Xo Xo

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

All these followers...

Wow dudes, I'm so lucky to have so many amazing followers on me blog, 350 as of today. Thank you all so much for the love and support. You know we always go on about how people on the blogs know us better than our 'real' friends, but I think it's more than that. It's about being able to say shit without judgment. And to be able to say things outloud and acknowledge things about our lives that we are unable to tell people about. And I thank you all for allowing me to be honest. So much of the therapy I have had over the past few months has been about this blog.. being able to share and getting honest support and opinions from people that understand. It's also not just about ED. I mean yes, obviously we talk a lot about those things, but you all also know a lot of things about my life. It's like I don't have to separate the different sides of me, here I can just be. So thanks. :)

Today was a bit of a weird day, my fucking annoying ass client kept harassing me, so I pretty much worked on that all day. But I also couldn't sleep last night so I stayed up and they came to install my phone line which meant I had to go get my modem, which I did at 7am this morning after having watched Mary Poppins for the first time in like... 18 years. And you know what? I finally got to see the ending, because when I watched it as a child, my gran had recorded it on a VCR (remember those) and the tape cut out in the last ten minutes, so until last night, I had never seen the ending. And yes, it was TOTALLY lame. But I love Mary Poppins. She is a bit of a bitch though. Anyway. So then I stayed up and worked till about 2pm and slept till 9pm. I also have had about 1000 cals today. Most of that was potatoes. You know when you're tired you eat more. But I am glad that it wasn't a big binge. I'm not too worried about it.

In other news, my domain name for my company was registered today. YAY! So now, it's all about the website which should be designed by the end oft he week. I need to decide on some content for it. But other than that, it is going so well. Looks like I may have my company up and running by the end of next month... Well. That's the plan anyway. I am house sitting a place in Kent from the 22nd of next month, I can't wait to get out into the country and get all Beatrix Potter on it.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Sunday, June 24, 2012


Oh my fucking god, I have the worst client in the world that is driving me nuts. He has a poster presentation and he just can't figure out what he wants from the poster. So I have redesigned it like... four times now over the course of today. So mutha fucken frustrating I could kick a small animal right now. Okay, that's such a lie. But it's very frustrating. :( My mouth is feeling ever so slightly better today, not like i had a lot to eat mind you (win!), but it's not half as bad as on Friday. Holy balls. I am so broke till the end of the month, which is great motivation for not eating too much. Today, I had a sweet potato roasted into wedges with tomato ketchup. According to my calorie counter I am about 300 cals today, which seems daft. I think i may have an orange though, for some vitamins, you know. :) And i want some tea. So my total for today is likely to be around 400, which is still fabulous. So today will be the fourth day in a row that i haven't binged and I should be able to keep it up until at least next week friday. My fabulous new biker jacket arrived in the mail today, it's a size 8 but quite toight I must say, no putting on weight in that jacket. I lost my other fabulous jacket when I got so drunk two weeks ago. No more drinking piggy. I chatted to a friend last night that's been through AA and he suggested that I try go to a meeting every night for the first month, so I am going to go on Wednesday and see how it goes after that.

I finished my business plan today and sent the website stuff off to my developer, so hopefully I will have a site in the next week or two. Which is fabulous also. So much fabulous. Something is up with the boy, I haven't really heard from him in two days and I'm worried that he's sick or something, because he thinks I will worry myself into a panic. Anyway. Thanks for the love and support as always. <3

Love & Tea
Xo Xo

Where is my tea?

I am still a mess today, although the humiliation of my life is getting slowly better having been shut in for the last two days. I feel safe in my little bubble that is my flat... maybe I am just anti-social. Fuck that. I know I am. I weighed in at 57 this morning... only two more to go for my UGW. It seems so weird that it is so close. I mean, eating to maintain and eating to lose are two very different things and I have no idea how to do that. In reply to a few of the comments on my last blog about the boozing and the calories in the booze - I factor those into my calorie intake. Oh hoh, those fuckers don't get past me. No fucking way jose. I also ONLY drink white wine. Absolutely nothing else, most small glasses of vino have about 80 cals in them. Which is why I am always drinking on an empty stomach... realistically I can have about 4 glasses before it's game over for me. Anyway, I am going to an AA meeting on Wednesday. I chatted to a friend about it and he seems to think it is a good idea. I haven't told anyone, because i am kinda embarrassed that I never seem to have my shit together. And now I'm an alcoholic!? Anyway

Today I have had about... 400 calories maybe. I made a big pot of veggie curry which is all I've had and the whole pot had about 400 cals in it and I have only eaten half... but I just had a nap so I will eat more. And then I've had a cup of tea. Definitely more to come of that. I won a photoshoot on a fb competition which is kinda cool, so I am going to wait until either my boy or my sister get here because then I can bring a guest. I love being alone in my flat. I have to say. I love that I live alone. It is amazeballs. Shout outs to WinterA, Judith, Sammy, Ana, Haley. All the usuals who always give love and support when I need it most. 

Oh and I wanted to ask. If i got without eating for a while sometimes my palet of my mouth becomes SO painful that I actually can't eat. Like. At the moment I can only eat like three bites every five minutes. And it is SO painful. Does anyone else get that?

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Saturday, June 23, 2012

A hot fucking mess.

I am a mess today. I am just a fucking mess. A couple of new developments are coming my way. I have decided that perhaps I need to go to AA, I can't seem to control myself when I drink, so I can't drink anymore. I spent the whole day throwing up today, fuck it was awful, not least of which because i drank on an emptyish stomach last night - I had a monster energy drink, the low cal one and a rice krispy treat. Then today when I was wretching with nothing coming up but bile, I drank some chilled peppermint tea in an effort to feel less nauseous, which just made me throw up again. Fabulous, I tell you. SO fabulous. Plans are starting to come together for the boys move over here. He is actually committed to coming, but then if he doesn't end up going to med school here, then we are going to move to California. Since that is where he wants to go, and I just don't give a crap where I live, so c'est la vie.

I have also decided to start a company. It will be a freelance writing agency like some of the ones I work for at the moment, so I am in discussions with people about websites and logos and stuff. Which is very fabulous after all, so I am hoping to get that underway by the end of next week. Today I have had a few cups of coffee and two large potatoes that I baked with mustard. So my cals for today are just under 600, which is amazeballs. Hoping to still be 55 by the end of the month. I'm sure I can.

Thanks for all the lovely comments of support. I know I don't really ever respond to them, but I don't want my blog to be responses to comments, cuz I swear I could write a whole post on just the comments. You all mean so much to this fat little piggy.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Monday, June 18, 2012

That Fucking Corset

Guess what?? I put it on today and it fitsssss!!! OMG, SO excited. Okay, granted it was a bit tight, but it still fits. I was at 58 today, so no surprises there, I can definitely be a flat 56 by the party on Saturday. Except that I fucked it up today... Okay, so I made myself vegetable curry for dinner which had sweet potato, green beans, peas, corn, marrow and tomatoes - then I ate a whole bag of toffees. I bought them as a treat for myself, determined to only have one or two. But I ate the whole bag. I'm hoping because it's not big heavy starchy food, that it won't cause too much of a gain tomorrow. If it fits, tomorrow I will take a pic of the corset and post it here. I don't have much to say today actually. I had a lovely little chat with Sam Lupin earlier, she is the shit. Anyway, she is doing so well and has stopped purging, I am so proud of her. I know how difficult it is to quit the bad habits and she is stronger than I, so I am so deeply proud of her. Go Sammy.

Toffees & Curry
Xo Xo

Saturday, June 16, 2012


As we know, I fucking HATE exercise, like the fucking plague, I hate exercise. I would rather fast for a week than go for one run. I HATE exercise. But, today I managed to go for a decent walk with a friend and have also decided to do a little bit of toning exercise. For my boobs to start with, because my breasts are so tiny, I figured if I perk up my pecks then maybe they will look less... empty. So, I have been doing wall pushups, leading to proper man push ups. So for two weeks I am doing three sets of 15 reps of these, then I am going to try the pushups on the stairs and lead to the man push ups, so hopefully in about two or three months, I should be able to do a man push up. Then I will try and see if I can incorporate some crunches or something, because I am worried that I am skinny fat. Fuck it. The walk apparently burnt off about 180 cals, so that's excellent. :)

Today, I had a bigish baked potato with mustard, ketchup and low fat mayo with coffee and milk and that's it. Obviously, all these things are high fat and carbs, blah blah, I know. Tomorrow it's veggies all the way. Anyway. So my total for today is 463. I'm not eating anymore. My friend wants to go for a pub lunch tomorrow, so I need to check out what I can have there. Or loads of walking, I dunno. Fuck, I'd rather just get some wine. But the aim is to have less than 500, which will be a salad or something. I think I should be able to convince him that I'm just not hungry. Yes. Weighed in at 59 again today. Hoping for 58 tomorrow. By the time I get to 57 I should be able to do up that corset, but shit, I only have a week.

Love & Exercise
Xo Xo

Useless shit coming your way

Fuck it. I am tired and mutha fucken miserable. It has to do with two things. Firstly, I have my period, no big surprises there, although I kinda assumed that because I started on this new progesterone pill thing that I would stop getting them entirely, but wha'evs. Secondly, I ordered this really beautiful black lace corset in a UK size 8 (US size 4) and it fucking doesn't fit. I fit into everything else in an 8 (around the waist which is kinda fucked because I can fit into a UK size 6 jeans, even a 4 - but I have no waist - seriously, I'm shaped like a boy), and it arrived about a week ago but I hadn't tried it on yet, so I did last night and it doesn't fucking zip up even. Now, I know that corsets are supposed to be super tight, but fuck me. I weighed in at 59 this morning, so I have only put on 1kg, why am I so fucking enormous and fat. FUCK. So with this friends birthday party coming up I need to fit into it by then. So 500 a day. I am going to concentrate on not binging. That is my biggest priority at the moment, because I am scared after my binge week - where I consumed easily 5000 cals a day, a proper mia binge. Except, I'm too weak to purge. So fuck it. That's where all this nasty fat comes from. Fat, ugly, miserable, useless, worthless, unloveable piggy. Just a fat little piggy.

The boy is having some health issues at the moment which means that he's been super stressed and I have been trying to be strong for him, which is tough because as usual I feel so insecure about us, but I am passed asking for reassurance. I am just trying to get over my insecurity, but I have been biting my tongue when having an issue, because this is a fairly serious health issue so we are waiting for the test. Part of me wants to pack it up and go back to Cape Town, but I just can't. I just wish he would come here. And let that be that. However, saying this, he was super fantastic tonight, because I had a little meltdown about how fat I am and I know he doesn't understand this ED stuff, but I have stopped lying about it, I'm so sick of lying about it. So now I am just honest, he has this blog URL so he can read it whenever he wants and I talk about this blog and all my followers... To him. And I think he understands more about the kind of support that I get here, that we get from each other. It's nice to not have to lie. That's fo' sho'. I just wish I was thin. *cry* - one day. One day. My current challenge is just to make it through tomorrow, i.e. today without eating more than 500. I'm sure I can do it. I hope I can. My self-control has been so weak lately... *cry*

Sadness & Sighs
Xo Xo

Thursday, June 14, 2012

How to be Anorexic

I get emails all the time asking me for tips on how to have an eating disorder. This is fucked. Absolutely mutha fucken fucked. This is no joke kids, but you want to know, this is how.

1. Stop eating. Not like a diet, just stop eating entirely. Allow yourself 100 - 300 calories a day. If you eat anymore than that, you are a fat disgusting pig, a failure, a miserable piece of shit that serves no purpose in the world except to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Who needs food anyway?

2. Hate yourself. Your entire self-worth needs to rely entirely on what you look like, and no matter how much weight you lose, you continue to hate yourself. Every part of your body, looking at yourself in the mirror must be the most painful and critical thing you can ever do. If you haven't actually seriously considered cutting the fat off your body, or sandpapering in my case, you don't hate yourself enough.

Appealing isn't it?

3. Become anti-social. Just stop seeing people, because if they aren't bitching about your weight or how much you are or are not eating - you should be thinking that they are judging your every move thinking about how fat you are. Not just people you know, everyone.

Cuz being isolated is AWESOME?

4. Obsess about food. It should be all you think about - from waking to sleeping - dreaming about food, thinking about how many calories are in everything, what you can eat and what you can't - which is everything. This includes looking at recipes that you will never make, food you will never eat, looking at people eating food sniggering about how lucky they are to not care about being fat, food porn, wandering through the supermarket for hours picking up food, reading labels, putting them down, daydreaming about eating, dreaming about eating, I'm talking proper obsession.

This is awesome!?

5. Cry - all the time. Cry at how fat you are, or how skinny you used to be. Preferably in conjunction with some kind of mental distress, depression, bi-polar, BPD, anxiety. Cry about how everyone overlooks you because you are so ugly and fat. If you can cut yourself to make you feel about yourself, even better.

Sound good yet?

6. Spend the time you aren't thinking about food, looking at thinspo or the mirror. Yeah, that's right, I spend about two to three hours a day looking at thinspo wishing I could look like them. And when I look in the mirror I usually grab my flesh and tug on my body, all the fat I wish I could make disappear.

What a fantastic lifestyle?

7. Don't enjoy anything about life. Because this obsession is all consuming, everything you do is controlled by calories, walking to the shop, drinking and eating anything, fear of doing everything, you should be scared of doing anything that involves going out because socialising involves calories.

If you still think that this is something you want, you are fucked. So please, don't send me emails asking how to get an eating disorder. 10% of people with an ED will die from it. This isn't a joke. Yes, being skinny is fantastic I won't lie, but living with an obsession and hating every fibre of yourself is fucking miserable and it affects every relationship in your life. Read these blogs carefully and you tell me how many of these girls sound happy about the fact that are disordered.

Love & Health
Xo Xo

Skinny Feet.

I am so bored, it actually hurts me. Not to mention that my right shift key is being an asshole, so making capital letters is a fucking nightmare. Fuck you shift key!! I kinda slipped a bit yesterday but not too badly. I just had some oven baked chips. Today, I am aiming for around 600. I'm going to go back to my original goal. I have successfully converted my sister and bff into the calorie counting ways - except obviously, I am preaching good counting to them. 1400 - 1600 per day and not a calorie less, because it's "bad" for them. I'm kinda stoked about it though, because both of them are miserable with their weight and I think we can agree that losing weight is about calories, not "healthy" fucken anything. I mean, if you eat 3000 calories worth of fruits a day, you will still be fat, but if you consume 1000 cals of pasta a day, you'll get thinner. It's simple maths people. Fuck sakes, losing weight is not rocket science, it's about willpower. Fuck me.

Anyway, so the plan for today is coffee with milk (no honey), a can of tuna with mustard and light mayo, so I have about 250 left for the day. I can't really decide what I want to do with those, but I do know that I need to get a kitchen scale. Not being able to weigh my food is killing me slowly. Thanks for all the lovely support kids, I am very thankful for my arms - my one good genetic gift, unlike my stomach, back, boobs, butt, hips, thighs, knees and calves. *sigh* OH yes, and my hands and wrists - not fat, but just big. It's disgusting. Last night the boy said my feet are looking very thin. I'm like - fuck me sideways, I'll take a compliment from whence it comes. Yay for skinny feet. I wonder if that means that my shoe size will drop... mmm.

Feet & Arms
Xo Xo

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I may have figured it out

I think I may have figured something out... last night. Because, I was thinking about how I don't want to have this obsession for the rest of my life, but I just cannot face the reality of putting on weight and thinking about how much I would hate myself again for being fat. Like, I just can't deal with that right now. And what I figured out is that it is a flat out NO to recovery. Full on - No, I don't want that. Never. But in saying that (and this is the fucken break through) - it's not because I think that the way I am is okay. I don't think starving and obsessing about food is okay, but this is the only way I know how to love myself. It's the only way that I feel beautiful and don't hate every inch of my body. So until I learn to love myself without being thin, there is no chance of recovery for me. I kinda think it's important too, because it's hard to admit that this lifestyle is wrong and still refuse to change. And I think that kinda figuring this out has helped me to be able to say - yes, I know but I can't deal with the change right now.

My belly is finally starting to shrink after my week of heavy binging. Which is fantastic. Yesterday my cals were around 300. Today they will be about the same. I have an orange to eat still and then I'm done. After three or four days of 300, I'm going to go back up to 600. After all that binging I need a good quick carb and fat detox.

Edie & Love
Xo Xo

Monday, June 11, 2012


That first successful day of a new challenge is always the best feeling in the world. Yesterday ended as a bust, because my friend came to drop off some "cabbage." And you know how cabbage makes you want to eat. So I had full on munchies for about two hours, which was horrible. Today however has got me thinking. I can't control myself most of the time, but I wonder if sometimes your willpower is just so much bigger than your stoner munchies. I mean - it must be, because today I haven't wanted to eat. I have just wanted to detox and get all this disgusting food out of my body. I didn't weigh today but I will do so tomorrow. I mean, are we that petrified of getting fat that we can actually stop ourselves from doing something even though we are not of sober mind. I was watching Ruby, which is great reverse thinspo, and they speak about being afraid of the world and therefore eating when you are stressed. Are we so afraid of the world that we can cut ourselves off by not eating? For example, I am starting to worry that I look TOO thin in pictures, because I don't want people to notice. I want strangers to notice, but not people that knew me before because they just see skinny in comparison to what I used to look like. By the way, there is a pic at the end of this for yall.  So it's constant questioning about my weight. I never wanted to draw attention to myself, but unfortunately people that see such a 'drastic' weight loss can't shut the fuck up. Anyway, stoned thoughts I suppose. I love the way I look now, BTW's.

Anyway, there are two very cute foxes that have been playing in my garden for the past few days. They sit in the garden and stare at me through my window, which I love. So I talk to them, been trying to get them to come closer. But I think they may be a little dangerous, so I may have to not be so friendly. I just love fluffy animals... well I guess, just all animals. Today I have had three cups of coffee (no honey - be proud!), an orange and a baked banana with a teaspoon of honey on it. Oh yes, and a coke light. Oh the conclusion about this pic is that I won't go any lower than my UGW of 55. But after this binge week I'm probably closer to 65, but this pic was taken a week and a half ago and I was probably around 57 for it. :) And some Edie and Twiggy love. <3

Love & Coffee
Xo Xo

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Finally Ready.

So, I am finally ready to stop eating again. Isn't it funny how these things work, when you go through days of binging and you just can't stop, no matter how hard you try. Well, I'm ready to stop. So today is just green tea and peppermint tea. So, I think my week of detoxing is going to be tea and fruit. NO coffee. Not even one cup. I think I will do fruit and tea until Friday. 600 cals and absolutely no more. No carbs, no salt, no fat. A good five or six day detox should do me wonders. I have a house party on the 23rd that I need to be uber skinny and excellent for. Things with my boy are going well again. All my friends are getting engaged and married and it makes me so jealous. I feel like we are healthier. God, I'm so sorry that I'm so weak. I find that when I am binging I don't want to read blogs or look at thinspo because I'm so ashamed and disgusted at myself. But for once my stomach doesn't feel like it's going to explode, so back on-board. :)

I have planted some coriander and chilli plants on my sill. They haven't germinated yet, but my basil plant is growing like a ninja. I will be using some of it to break my detox on Saturday. Maybe some zuchini and basil roasted with tomatoes... maybe :) I also discovered baked banana. I'm thinking that may be my "dinner" this week. A baked banana for dinner with an orange for lunch with an apple or pear, strawberry or something for breakfast. Lots of tea. Lots and lots of peppermint tea. Anyway, more Coco-thinspo - I have a couple more thinspo role models I know. :) Thus far, definitely Victoria Beckham - we all know why. And Coco of course. Because she is so skinny and fabulous. I'm compiling a Twiggy and Edie Sedgewick thinspo edition. I LOVE Edie, I know she was a train wreck, but I feel a lot like her sometimes. I don't want to sound all miserable, dark and self-destructive, but I don't know if i'm the only one that watches things about eccentric women, I feel a lot like them sometimes and it scares me. What scares me a lot is watching Pretty Little Liars, the protagonist - Allison. I can relate so much to her. I feel like I desperately manipulate people the way that she did. And some of the lines she crosses, I could see myself doing to same to get what I want. The way that we punish ourselves to hurt other people, isn't that sick? I mean cutting myself and starving because I know it hurts people. It's kinda fucked up dudes. But then, we're all mad here. And most of the best people often are. I think the great thing about moving to London is that it has given me the opportunity to make friends and be surrounded by people that don't make me feel bad about being crazy. I have one friend that has so many rules and she irritates the hell out of me, and makes me feel bad about everything. No more judgy friends. Only people to make me feel good about myself.

Love & Tea
Xo Xo

Saturday, June 9, 2012

What about a tea and fruit fast?

I think this is the best idea I have ever had. OMG yes we can. I am feeling so de-energised from being so bored without much work to do and having been eating really yukkamamma carbs lately that my stomach is in knots and I feel like a pregnant upright porpoise. It's so gross. I got this dress that I ordered a week ago today, which is this really hot dark pink bandoo dress which I am not too pregnant looking to wear. It's because I've been stoning a little, so I mean yes, it causes the munchies, but I am SO unhealthy at the moment. So this is the plan until next week Friday. And I am going to be strict. STRICT STRICT STRICT. The plan is unlimited green tea or peppermint tea all day. As much as I want... and water of course. Then an apple or pear for brekkie, lunch and dinner. So three a day maximum and because I am a weakling, a cup of coffee with honey and a dash of milk. Will weigh in tomorrow morning for a start to all this. If the weight is not too disgusting I will post it, but I have a feeling it is very very bad. Dread. I've been chugging down green tea today in a hopes of purging this disgusting food from my body. I know I can do this, because I know I can have enormous will power. Now that I am getting settled, I need to focus on my career to get my writing a bit further along. Hopefully this detox will go well. Also... no booze till next weekend. No piggy. No No No.

Isn't this girl beautiful? I wish I looked like her. I need my hair to be more blonde.

Tea & Apples
Xo Xo

Friday, June 8, 2012

Just nothing to say...

Work has been so quiet for the past few days... I have literally been sitting around. Absolutely horrible. And I've been eating like a maniac. I look pregnant. Today has been a fruit and veggie detox. Which has been chilled, although I've been chowing down pesto... which isn't exactly detox. I've been watching this series called Pretty Little Liars. Firstly, the most amazeballs thinspo ever, those little bitches are so skinny and beautiful. It makes me laugh though, because it is very cheesy most of the time. But have to say, loving it anyway.

So this is now day 3 in the new flat. It is quite loud with the neighbours bumping around, but in a way - quite sweet and I'm right on the garden. So I get to look out onto a beautiful garden with a cat - that gave me a mutha fucken fright when it jumped onto my windowsill while I was sitting by the window, so I screamed and scared the crap outta the poor cat - a bunch of foxes, that also scared the daylights out of me *scaredpanda* and some noofies aka, the squirrels. I also picked up my new glasses so now I seem to have gone full hipster. In my cherry blossom pink flat. Total noob. It is very nice to have privacy again. Even though my flat is tinnnny tiny. Considering the place I moved from was a five bedroom house - Cape Town to London. Anyway.

So fat at the moment. I need to pull myself together. I am staying in this weekend. Spending sometime working... writing. Will have a lovely weekend next weekend. Spend it with some people. I have been considering volunteering at an animal shelter, so I can play with some cats... Insane how much you can miss a friendly furry. Such a fat sap. :(

Love & Cuddles
Xo Xo

Thursday, June 7, 2012

For Reals Yo

Y'all are seriously the absolute best at cheering me up. From the bottom of my heart. I can't even express how much it means to me that I can get support no matter what. Just to clarify though, I don't have family that I can rely on. They freak out if they hear anything is going wrong with me, which is why I moved half way across the world... to get away from them. To have people constantly interfering in your life, but not in a supportive way - in a way that stresses you out and never respecting your decisions and boundaries... it's not great. And as for him. I know. I know, I know, I know a hundred times, I know. I can't make any excuses for how pathetic I am when it comes to him. I know. I really do, and I'm sorry you have to read my dribble about him, I know. I'm still fat and miserable, although I moved into my own flat now. So I can weigh and be obsessive at my own pace and I love that. I bought a scale. And I am at 59kgs, so no gain. Which is good. And a slight loss. But now ladies. UGW. Let's do this. I'm really tired.

So today, I will start afresh. Two cups of coffee as per my usual, unlimited peppermint tea, a petits filous for breakfast with a banana. Salad for lunch and corn for dinner. Hopefully ending up at around 400. We can do this. I found the most beautiful pic for thinspo. Excellent

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Defeated, Fat & Miserable

My little piglets, I just want to die. I'm so sad at the moment. Sad and fat and miserable. I have been "binging" pretty much since Saturday. It's so disgusting. I am disgusting. I went out on Saturday night and I met the nicest boy who was trying SO hard to get my phone number. And let me tell you. He was fucking GORGEOUS! Like so many kinds of gorgeous, that gorgeous doesn't even begin to cover how cute this boy was. But guess what - I ended up crying to him about how much I miss my boy and how much I couldn't wait to see him in August. What a fail I am. I keep thinking I am okay with us breaking up, but all I do is go through cycles of fine and not fine. Anyway, so yes. Been a-binging. Fucking fat ugly useless miserable horrible rude obnoxious disgusting repulsive stupid shallow pudgy fucking ugly ugly ugly FAT fucking piggy. I hate myself. I want to cut. I want to cut so so badly. I just want to cut. :( And as for the boy - nope, he hates me. He doesn't want to be with me. How can I blame him? I am depressed all the time, I am useless, fat and ugly. I wouldn't want to be with me. He probably has another girlfriend at home, just waiting till he feels like breaking up with me. Then he will delete me from his life. Why wouldn't he. I would. I just want my kitten, my cat always makes me feel better, but now my cat is his cat. So I don't even have that. I have nothing. In this world, I am all alone. I thought I could trust him, but I can't. He hates me. He resents me. All I want is to give him happiness in anyway that I can. Why can't someone want to give me that? Well, I guess it is fairly obvious. Look at me. I should just lock myself up in my flat and just die there. No one would know. No one would care. Would he cry? I don't think so. I think he'd be relieved to be rid of me. No one cares. And most of all he doesn't care.

Sorry about the long emo rant. I'm just so tired of trying to be positive. I move into my flat tomorrow, so I've been shopping for all my goodies. I bought a kettle. What. A. Grown. Up. *cry*

Tears & Blood
Xo Xo