Thursday, January 5, 2017

You Just Can't Control Everything

It's just a fundamental truth about people that I need to fucking learn at some point in my life. And really learn it, because I know it's true, but somehow I always think that I can control people and that if I orchestrate everything just perfectly, then it will all work out the way I want it to. 

This is not true. 

Chris is an emotional wreck. And when I say emotional, I mean unemotional. His own feelings or maybe it is the lack thereof totally freaks him out. He seems to have got the idea through his head that we need to figure out if we are now an official thing forever and ever. Obviously, this is ridiculous to me. And what makes me even more pissed off about it is that I've been trying so very hard to not have to deal with this question with him, because I don't think he wants to answer it. I don't want to answer it. 

The consequence of all of this is that we are teetering towards the end, I think. He can't have a conversation with me anymore and I'm expected to just wait while he figures it out or to walk away. 

We know that I have no self respect and won't walk away even though I know I should. 

We had yet another conversation about this yesterday and after poking and prodding, he needs space to decide. (I don't know how this has happened, I can only assume it's my total control freakness that has caused this, I'm pretty sure it is somehow my fault...) I can't wait around for too long for this to happen, because the anxiety is torturing me. 

I have felt physically ill about this since the 30th. Nauseous for a week over it. I'm such a fucking idiot. The good thing is that I don't want to eat, so weight is dropping nicely (63.3) this morning. This however is not a good thing. I don't believe one should have a physical reaction to someone. 

I'm giving him until Sunday. And even if he's walking away cuz it's all too much for him, I will maintain some dignity in this case. I can do this. Despite the fact that somehow I am loyal to people who really don't deserve it and to people like this who just hurt me. 

This will hurt for two weeks. And then it will be fine. I will be fine. I've survived a lot worse than this. 

Love & Emptiness 
Xo Xo 

No comments: