Fucktabulous Day

So today has been a great day for a number of reasons. Firstly, this morning I was 61 again. Thank fuck, which means 59 by the end of the weekend is TOtALLY doable if I don't fuck up. Today, I realised that I am finally pretty much over my douchenozzle ex. YAY! Fucker. Like, the thought of him doesn't hurt anymore. I guess life goes on. Today has also been good because I had another session with my shrink which was absolutely awful. We spoke about my parents divorce and the issues that came from that. Note to self: Divorce only happened 4 years ago. But for those that don't know. Although actually, I'm not sure I've ever written anything about it. Mostly I guess because it something very painful and confusing to try and remember. But basically there were allegations that my dad beat my mother. Which... I can't decide if I believe... And what is worse? Dad hitting mom. Or Mom lying about being hit by dad. Anyway, it was a horrible situation. And I have never really spoken about it to anyone since then or before. Its not something I like to process because either situation is just too unbearable to come to terms with. AVOID AVOID. Anyway, so although it was horrible and painful and I hated that dumb bitch for bringing it up - the fact that perhaps I may gain some closure on it someday is inspiring. Today was also a great day because my shrink also said that she isn't there to try and convince me to eat more. That it is not something that they deal with in psychotherapy. I.e. figure out the base problem and the subsidiary issues like my eating disorder will sort themselves out. Which again. This is amazing, because she isn't going to monitor me or try to persuade me that I'm beautiful. What a winner.

On this topic however something occurred to me while I was speaking to her. I have never wanted to look sick, like those girls that you see in rehab. I just want to be waifish and you don't have to be sick to do that. So actually. Maybe my eating patterns are a little bit fucked, but yet again. I'm not convinced that what I actually have is a disorder.

Anyway, let me go on. Today was also a fucktabulous day because the flat that I loved actually came through and its mine. As in I need to go sign the lease and then everything is hunky dory. I have my beautiful flat in North London with a lovely garden for Gremlin to play in. And a proper kitchen. Which although I may not eat much by comparison. You know how creative us EDs get in the kitchen. It also has a lovely bathroom and a nice big bed. I am so so stoked about the flat. Like you have NO idea. *happy penguin dance*

And the last reason why today was a good day was that i walked for about an hour today. And I only ate a smallish bowl of stew (lamb... okay. Not ideal), a skinny latte and a coke zero. So today was another calorie win. I'm feeling good about it. Like I may be slightly more on track. All that I need now is a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed beauty to share it with. And everything will fall into place. *le sigh* I hope everyone has an absolutely mutha fucken epic day for those in the US where the day is still going. For those not, I hope your day has been as fantabuloustic as mine. My little piglets. It is days like today that give me hope that all is not lost. And in part I must give credit to Coco, because without her I don't think I would have made it through these last few months.

But now. I am so exhausted I need to go to sleep. Oh and Gossip Girl started last night and if we have to endure another season of this bullshit Blair and Chuck on off are they aren't they bullshit. I swear to fuck, I am going to stop watching. Posh Love <3

Poseys & Mittens
Xo Xo

Monday Bloody Monday

Thanks for all the awesome comments on my last post. The weird thing that I always get on reflection from my previous posts really has to do with the fact that sometimes I don't really consider how common our problems are to one another. It seems that EDs and cutting... self harm seem to go hand in hand. And another comment that I got a lot was that pain is one thing as long as we can control where it comes from. Which is kinda funny if you think about it. Like its okay to hurt yourself but god forbid anyone else do it.

Today has been a better day. I think I will be on about 800 for the day. Which isn't great. But I have promised myself that I shall not be buying ANY food, not milk, not tea or coffee nada until next week Monday. All i have is a bit of milk, some pasta and some fruit. So if it runs out. Then bubkis. I shan't be eating anymore than that.

I have also started applying for jobs. Like proper day jobs, but also within the writing field. I have kinda realised that my shit is made a lot worse by the fact that I can sleep all day and not socialise with anyone and just be a hermit with my own problems. I will see what my shrink says about it tomorrow. Yoh. It is scary though. It looks like my flat has fallen through. So the hunt will continue tomorrow. Fuck balls sake. Oh well. *le sigh*

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

To Avoid Pain

Something I have been thinking about a bit recently is the lengths that we go to as people to avoid pain. Emotional pain and physical pain. I mean. We preempt things before they happen just to make sure that we don't get hurt and in the process go to extraordinary lengths in order to stop it. I mean. How silly really? I always think about the amount of time and effort it takes me to sidestep the corner of the mat in my flat because once my toes twisted on the edge of it. One in a million shot that it will ever happen again, and it isn't exactly as if it was THAT sore. We do so much. SO much to make sure that even the slightest amount of pain is avoided. What happens if we embrace the pain...? Sometimes, I like to hurt. Especially by cutting myself, we all know about that. Physical pain can feel good sometimes. I guess it almost takes your mind off emotional pain and I would much rather feel physical pain than emotional pain. I would sooner take a bullet than have to deal with feelings of pain like I did with my ex. I mean. I have hurt myself badly in my life. Where the pain has been so bad that it has made me faint or cry. Just from pure pain. But nothing, NOTHING has ever hurt as badly as what we went through. It just seems to silly to think that perhaps there is a possibility that I may be sabotaging myself so that I don't have to go through that hurt and disappointment again. But how silly? I mean. At the end of the day, we are okay. I am okay. I am mean, I am lonely to within an inch of my sanity. But when all is said and done. The hard part is over. But yet, still avoiding the pain on the mere memory of how badly it once hurt. For some reason, I just know that I won't ever find someone again. And I think I might be okay with the idea of being alone. I mean. I'm crying as I write this. But can anyone really ever live up to my standards? It seems unlikely. My life is meant to be a tragic love story, I always have known this. And tragedy my life is indeed.

... they will never know how much I've cried.

I'm still fat. This week will be better.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Time goes by...

I had a dream last night about my ex, that the girl he is engaged to was the girl he got pregnant. Which is definitely NOT the case, but whatever. Its put me in a shitty mood all day. And I have to say, part of my miserable reflection has been on the fact that I am 25 and I sit at home all day. Write a little bit. Like where has my life progressed to that this is what I do. Week in. And week out. I need to try and find some more work... perhaps some actual journalism work. Maybe for a journal? Or as a journal editor. I dunno, I need to figure this out. Because at the moment, one of my prevailing concerns is that when I get to 50 and I'm reflecting on my life, I will go. Yeah, when I lived in london, I got high non stop for 6 months. Kinda the extent to which I do it now. I mean. Where the fuck has the time gone. It pisses me off that everyone is moving forward and being happy. And I. Am still miserable on the floor of my shoebox apartment, with nothing better to do than eat Chinese and play with my cat. So, I think it is time to stop wasting time and look for some more work to do. Writing is definitely going to continue to be my focus, but perhaps I can step it up... I'm not sure what to do really. I feel so lost. I think perhaps I may need to stop smoking since it makes me lose days. Honestly, I have lost almost three days since I last surfaced. Goddamn. Oh and I think 

On the plus side, I have fasted today. Nothing but water. It has been cool, because it has been spontaneous. I didn't plan the fast. What is great with a fast is that tomorrow is always alive with possibilities. I could have a low cal day, a juice fast, fruit fast, tea fast. God I can't decide, but my guess is that I will have to see tomorrow. Since well. I still have to make it through today. The feeling of fasting will never get old, even though I suspect it will end with a binge, but fasting makes me feel so clean. It's almost as if, the hungrier or emptier I get, the more... ethereal I feel. Its a great feeling truly truly. 

Love & Strength 

Xo Xo

Cocktober

Inappropriate title? Perhaps. AHA! Anyway, everyone is going on about October like its approaching Valentines day... like. A big deal. I'm not entirely sure what all the fuss is about, but I have decided as my October resolution I am going to do more stuff. Go to museums, art galleries. Actually see things in London that I used to see before I went back to Cape Town. I'm not sure why I stopped, but going out nowadays seems like such a massive effort. Also, the walking will do me well.

I'm hovering around 61 these days. At least it is closer to 60 than 65. I mean, i would prefer if it were closer to 55. But hell. Baby steps and it is what you get for being a stupid stoner that smokes and drinks your life away.

Today, I have had about 600 cals. All in roasted potatoes. Which is so stupid, but its what I felt like, so I guess there is more work to be done. I feel like my brain isn't functioning all that well at the moment... Oh well. Anyway, so this is my current status quo. Going to catch up on some blogs and go to bed though, because I have felt like a miserable sack of shit lately. ALL I want to do is sleep.

I saw my australian on Saturday, but still didn't get his number, because I may gotten drunk and lost him. Such is the plight of the village drunkard... He does look just like Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey. *le sigh* Hopefully I will see him again. I also am going to see a flat tomorrow in North London since I have to move in a month, which I am feeling weirdly optimistic about. Anyway, sorry this is boring, but I have nothing to report. Lets make sure October is the best month ever. YAY October YAY!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

p.s. Welcome back Judith Marie, babe. You have been SO missed. And Skylar, I can't comment on your blog for some reason. But please know that I am reading. <3