Something I have been thinking about a bit recently is the lengths that we go to as people to avoid pain. Emotional pain and physical pain. I mean. We preempt things before they happen just to make sure that we don't get hurt and in the process go to extraordinary lengths in order to stop it. I mean. How silly really? I always think about the amount of time and effort it takes me to sidestep the corner of the mat in my flat because once my toes twisted on the edge of it. One in a million shot that it will ever happen again, and it isn't exactly as if it was THAT sore. We do so much. SO much to make sure that even the slightest amount of pain is avoided. What happens if we embrace the pain...? Sometimes, I like to hurt. Especially by cutting myself, we all know about that. Physical pain can feel good sometimes. I guess it almost takes your mind off emotional pain and I would much rather feel physical pain than emotional pain. I would sooner take a bullet than have to deal with feelings of pain like I did with my ex. I mean. I have hurt myself badly in my life. Where the pain has been so bad that it has made me faint or cry. Just from pure pain. But nothing, NOTHING has ever hurt as badly as what we went through. It just seems to silly to think that perhaps there is a possibility that I may be sabotaging myself so that I don't have to go through that hurt and disappointment again. But how silly? I mean. At the end of the day, we are okay. I am okay. I am mean, I am lonely to within an inch of my sanity. But when all is said and done. The hard part is over. But yet, still avoiding the pain on the mere memory of how badly it once hurt. For some reason, I just know that I won't ever find someone again. And I think I might be okay with the idea of being alone. I mean. I'm crying as I write this. But can anyone really ever live up to my standards? It seems unlikely. My life is meant to be a tragic love story, I always have known this. And tragedy my life is indeed.
... they will never know how much I've cried.
I'm still fat. This week will be better.
Love & Peace