Monday, October 8, 2012

To Avoid Pain

Something I have been thinking about a bit recently is the lengths that we go to as people to avoid pain. Emotional pain and physical pain. I mean. We preempt things before they happen just to make sure that we don't get hurt and in the process go to extraordinary lengths in order to stop it. I mean. How silly really? I always think about the amount of time and effort it takes me to sidestep the corner of the mat in my flat because once my toes twisted on the edge of it. One in a million shot that it will ever happen again, and it isn't exactly as if it was THAT sore. We do so much. SO much to make sure that even the slightest amount of pain is avoided. What happens if we embrace the pain...? Sometimes, I like to hurt. Especially by cutting myself, we all know about that. Physical pain can feel good sometimes. I guess it almost takes your mind off emotional pain and I would much rather feel physical pain than emotional pain. I would sooner take a bullet than have to deal with feelings of pain like I did with my ex. I mean. I have hurt myself badly in my life. Where the pain has been so bad that it has made me faint or cry. Just from pure pain. But nothing, NOTHING has ever hurt as badly as what we went through. It just seems to silly to think that perhaps there is a possibility that I may be sabotaging myself so that I don't have to go through that hurt and disappointment again. But how silly? I mean. At the end of the day, we are okay. I am okay. I am mean, I am lonely to within an inch of my sanity. But when all is said and done. The hard part is over. But yet, still avoiding the pain on the mere memory of how badly it once hurt. For some reason, I just know that I won't ever find someone again. And I think I might be okay with the idea of being alone. I mean. I'm crying as I write this. But can anyone really ever live up to my standards? It seems unlikely. My life is meant to be a tragic love story, I always have known this. And tragedy my life is indeed.

... they will never know how much I've cried.

I'm still fat. This week will be better.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo


Run said...

I like to hurt when self harming. Pain from other things, I tend to avoid like the plague. Emotional pain is the worst. That's the kind of pain I could just live without ever experiencing again.


30whatsnext said...

I used to hurt myself all the time...not anymore at all. But now I cannot stop myself from engorging on ice cream. I rephrase it I do not cut myself anymore. I am hurting as well. I feel and empathize with your pain

ruby-tuesday said...

I agree wholeheartedly
I would take excruciating physical pain over crippling mental pain any day of the week.

Hang in there sweetie

Sending you love x

PrettyLies said...

I'm finally sort of learning ho to love myself...the pain for me isn't how much others hurt me but how much I hurt myself..I'm trying to not let myself do that anymore.

This week will be good. Keep looking up hon.

LyssaB said...

Cutting is different though because you control the when, where and how much. It's better than at the mercy of something or someone else.

Here's to a great week!

The Lovely Bones said...

It's strange isn't it. I have tried loads of different forms of self harm before including cutting, burning and punching walls. Yet if I ever get cut, burnt or bruised accidentally I complain for days about the pain.
It's so different to self inflicted pain.
The same with emotional pain. If I ever find myself thinking about my ex or anything painful, then I dig my nails into my skin, and pinch myself or cut myself (depending on where I am) to distract my mind from the emotional pain.

It's bizarre really, but it makes it easier to cope.

I hope you're okay darling. You will find someone else. Someone who treats you right and is far more reliable than your ex. You will NEVER end up alone, you're too amazing.
Take care.

Emily Anonymous said...

People are more afraid of exerpiencing pain than they are excited about experiencing something good. It's a weird human thing.
And I don't think you'll end up alone. You're going through a tough time now but you went through tough times before you met your last bf, right? Something will eventually come along.

aijaii said...

Darling, I think Emily is right - mostly this "something" comes along as soon as you stop looking for it.. hate that, as it doesn't make anything easier, but soothes me sometimes. I actually experienced it that way.. and how is anybody supposed to being able to love you, if you can't? You need to see for yourself, realize in your heart how great you are.. I know there can be plenty of people telling you and you still wouldn't really believe it.. doubt is so tricky to handle.. I always doubt too much I think.. well, what I want to say with all this is not to give up. You are not going to be alone. There are always people there for you and sometimes it takes a while to realize and trust. Other times it takes a while to actually meet.. But don't give up <3 Oh and about the hurting: I think it's something entirely different if you get hurt by someone or hurt yourself. Then you know what you get. You expect it, wait for it and kind of really embrace it. When others do, you go head spinning down in doubts, fears and lose all control there was, as you can't influence the impact of the matter.. Emotional pain is simply not controllable as it's created in your subconscious mostly.. you cannot make yourself feel hurt about something someone does or says. You instantly feel it however.. so there is no way of protection.. I think that's what makes me so afraid of making myself dependent on other people. I can get hurt badly.. Which is why I don't want a relationship right now. Would be unfair, can't do it. Ok, kinda let myself go here ;) Love, hugs and kisses! Xx