So today has been a great day for a number of reasons. Firstly, this morning I was 61 again. Thank fuck, which means 59 by the end of the weekend is TOtALLY doable if I don't fuck up. Today, I realised that I am finally pretty much over my douchenozzle ex. YAY! Fucker. Like, the thought of him doesn't hurt anymore. I guess life goes on. Today has also been good because I had another session with my shrink which was absolutely awful. We spoke about my parents divorce and the issues that came from that. Note to self: Divorce only happened 4 years ago. But for those that don't know. Although actually, I'm not sure I've ever written anything about it. Mostly I guess because it something very painful and confusing to try and remember. But basically there were allegations that my dad beat my mother. Which... I can't decide if I believe... And what is worse? Dad hitting mom. Or Mom lying about being hit by dad. Anyway, it was a horrible situation. And I have never really spoken about it to anyone since then or before. Its not something I like to process because either situation is just too unbearable to come to terms with. AVOID AVOID. Anyway, so although it was horrible and painful and I hated that dumb bitch for bringing it up - the fact that perhaps I may gain some closure on it someday is inspiring. Today was also a great day because my shrink also said that she isn't there to try and convince me to eat more. That it is not something that they deal with in psychotherapy. I.e. figure out the base problem and the subsidiary issues like my eating disorder will sort themselves out. Which again. This is amazing, because she isn't going to monitor me or try to persuade me that I'm beautiful. What a winner.
On this topic however something occurred to me while I was speaking to her. I have never wanted to look sick, like those girls that you see in rehab. I just want to be waifish and you don't have to be sick to do that. So actually. Maybe my eating patterns are a little bit fucked, but yet again. I'm not convinced that what I actually have is a disorder.
Anyway, let me go on. Today was also a fucktabulous day because the flat that I loved actually came through and its mine. As in I need to go sign the lease and then everything is hunky dory. I have my beautiful flat in North London with a lovely garden for Gremlin to play in. And a proper kitchen. Which although I may not eat much by comparison. You know how creative us EDs get in the kitchen. It also has a lovely bathroom and a nice big bed. I am so so stoked about the flat. Like you have NO idea. *happy penguin dance*
And the last reason why today was a good day was that i walked for about an hour today. And I only ate a smallish bowl of stew (lamb... okay. Not ideal), a skinny latte and a coke zero. So today was another calorie win. I'm feeling good about it. Like I may be slightly more on track. All that I need now is a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed beauty to share it with. And everything will fall into place. *le sigh* I hope everyone has an absolutely mutha fucken epic day for those in the US where the day is still going. For those not, I hope your day has been as fantabuloustic as mine. My little piglets. It is days like today that give me hope that all is not lost. And in part I must give credit to Coco, because without her I don't think I would have made it through these last few months.
But now. I am so exhausted I need to go to sleep. Oh and Gossip Girl started last night and if we have to endure another season of this bullshit Blair and Chuck on off are they aren't they bullshit. I swear to fuck, I am going to stop watching. Posh Love <3
Poseys & Mittens