Thursday, October 4, 2012

Time goes by...

I had a dream last night about my ex, that the girl he is engaged to was the girl he got pregnant. Which is definitely NOT the case, but whatever. Its put me in a shitty mood all day. And I have to say, part of my miserable reflection has been on the fact that I am 25 and I sit at home all day. Write a little bit. Like where has my life progressed to that this is what I do. Week in. And week out. I need to try and find some more work... perhaps some actual journalism work. Maybe for a journal? Or as a journal editor. I dunno, I need to figure this out. Because at the moment, one of my prevailing concerns is that when I get to 50 and I'm reflecting on my life, I will go. Yeah, when I lived in london, I got high non stop for 6 months. Kinda the extent to which I do it now. I mean. Where the fuck has the time gone. It pisses me off that everyone is moving forward and being happy. And I. Am still miserable on the floor of my shoebox apartment, with nothing better to do than eat Chinese and play with my cat. So, I think it is time to stop wasting time and look for some more work to do. Writing is definitely going to continue to be my focus, but perhaps I can step it up... I'm not sure what to do really. I feel so lost. I think perhaps I may need to stop smoking since it makes me lose days. Honestly, I have lost almost three days since I last surfaced. Goddamn. Oh and I think 

On the plus side, I have fasted today. Nothing but water. It has been cool, because it has been spontaneous. I didn't plan the fast. What is great with a fast is that tomorrow is always alive with possibilities. I could have a low cal day, a juice fast, fruit fast, tea fast. God I can't decide, but my guess is that I will have to see tomorrow. Since well. I still have to make it through today. The feeling of fasting will never get old, even though I suspect it will end with a binge, but fasting makes me feel so clean. It's almost as if, the hungrier or emptier I get, the more... ethereal I feel. Its a great feeling truly truly. 

Love & Strength 
Xo Xo

9 comments:

Emily Anonymous said...

You know all those people who have tons of friends and spend every waking hour of their day socializing and having fun?
They don't exist.
Once I was talking to one of the most popular girls in my class- always surrounded by people, always seemingly talking to people- and she said that most of her day is spent in silence.
It's ok that you don't go out with friends every day. It's ok that you don't go out anywhere every day. You don't have to.
And even if there are people that do, you don't need to be them. People like you without all that.

Emily Anonymous said...

I realized I didn't really respond to this post; I guess I got a little carried away with my comment.
But what I said still stands- if not for you maybe for the people who read this?

Tatyana said...

At least you know what you love to do. Writing is a good focus and you'll figure it out. It's a pain to try to figure out something more to do really, but you'll get it. Just use your imagination.

But stop smoking? :D, honey floating in the air is the feeling that makes us move forward and value those friends even more when they are there.

Beth said...

I feel like you do, I feel like my life is at a standstill and everyone is moving in fast forward around me. The only way to claw yourself back into life is to slowly make changes. Its hard to move forwards, but I'm sure you can do it love <3

Sunshinechild said...

I've been having the same feelings lately. Smoking the night away and having the munchies like hell. I need to find somthing to work for and stick to it... maybe the seasons changing will bring us inspiration? Good Luck <3

Greek T said...

"It's almost as if, the hungrier or emptier I get, the more... ethereal I feel." Totally agree! I feel the same! By the way, new follower here, I love reading your blog, ever since the first post. Let's all fast and avoid binges for as long as we can! <3

LoveMeDead said...

once a smoker always a smoker. a smoker smokes when the chips are down. and if your chips are down then smoke up! i only wish that it had the a few of same effects as some of the harder drugs. loss of appetite being number one on that list. dont fret lovley this too shall pass. you still have so long left to live, and eventually, when it is time, life will change for you. just do what makes you happy and the rest will follow <3

i just came by your blog by the way, and i love love love the way you write. please dont stop posting.

xoxo
daisy<3

aijaii said...

Well, if you love writing, you wouldn't stop, would you? I love your blog as well, really lots of life in it as it is. Not that facebook crap, where you see photoshopped pictures portraying so called happy people. They all have their shades and darkness. I have had plenty of friends last year who wanted me to go out and do something. And that's great, too, but seriously: For this year I want to find out whom of them are really important, because I'm sick of smalltalk and superficial experiences. I want more from life than just the smile on my face, a mask which I have been wearing for to long. And it seems so do you. Happiness. I think it's good that you focus on what you really like and wanna do if you then do everything to make that your reality. And sorry guys and girls, even if smoking is fun (I also enjoy it), sometimes you have to cut back on that. It's like comfort food. Doesn't help you getting where you want but needs to be a treat sometimes, I guess.. Anyways, I wish you luck finding something that you wanna do and get the job :D
So stay strong - and yes a fast is something very special. Enjoy the moment of this feeling honey <3

WinterA said...

Hi, How are you? Although you just said how you were doing.

I have had stuff like that happen to me too. Where I have a dream about something that seems so real or hurtful that I will be in a bad mood that day.

Glad gremlin is there to help cheer you up. Congrats on the not planned fast you had. Those days to me are the best when you end up fasting without trying or eating very little. I haven't had one in a while though.

Hope you are still doing well.