Something's Happened

... which I can't talk about at the moment, but will update on Sunday when I get home. Sorry for the silence. I'm still fat. That much has not changed.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

So I guess I'm vegan now...

My new thing. I discovered that raw just isn't for me. I really like having cooked food. Like SO much. More than that, I think it's impossible for someone with a low bmi to live off only cold things, especially if you are living in a cold country. So yes, axe that shit. So now, I'm trying the vegan thing. Day two and it's going well. I also just discovered and this is SO stupid, but I discovered that oatmeal is the same thing as the oats I have been eating all my life. Its just called a different thing. Fuck sakes. And its so low in cals for the amount of food that it is. Today I'm on about 630 cals for the day. Which is better than the mass binging I have been doing lately. I swear, my thighs are enormous. Fucking enormous. Hopefully I will be able to not binge for a little while longer. My last binge was only two days, but fuck it. It was horrible.

I think i may have a new crush... and he speaks just like a wildling from Game of Thrones... HOT! Thank Game of Thrones for making the north sexy again. I have nothing to add. Please update your stats on the challenge page, don't distress, because this is being noted. :) We're almost into month two. And it seems that everyone is having challenges. Its funny how you start a challenge with the best intentions but they never stick for too long. My thighs are enormous. My belly looks pregnant. My arms are so fucking fat. Gross. And always just so so much work. I can't wait till the end of September... Looks like I may be able to take a break.

Love & Oatmeal
Xo Xo

Polyamory & Lipstick Lesbians

I know this is totally left field and i don't want to freak anyone out or anything like that. I also know that this has nothing to do with weight or ED's or anything like that, but since when have I played by the rules...? I have been watching this reality show called Polyamory. Basically, it's the idea of being in love with several people and being able to, within that relationship have other lovers or boyfriends. The show I am watching consists of a married couple and their girlfriend who get engaged as a triad. And then two married couples who are... for lack of a better word. A foursome. And they all have sex together and love together... Now. I don't know why exactly this has struck a cord with me... Maybe its because i feel like I can love different people at the same time, deeply but that it doesn't detract from the love I have for the other person. I mean. When I was dating Roy, I was still very deeply in love with Lilypad. And the affairs I had beyond that relationship did not necessarily mean that I loved him any less, it was just that there were other feelings involved with the affair I had with a friend of his... I don't know does that make sense? Similarly, I am overwhelmed when i watch these people at the love. Just the overwhelming love they have for each other, and its not all about sex. I mean, its just so much love. Love like I cannot imagine receiving from anyone. And... now this is making me cry about Roy again. Dammit. I'm so sick of crying about him. Fuck sakes. Anyway. I mean look, its one of two things that I'm thinking about with regards to polyamory, am I just looking for an excuse to be able to have sex with more than one person, in which case I'm a bad monogamist. Or is it something more, something like I feel like I need more love than I can get from one person... Is hoping for that much love from one person unrealistic. <-- This sentence right now. Tears. Just tears. I thought I had that much love. But I didn't... maybe it's time for a new strategy. I'm just curious I guess. God, the scars run so deep. So deep. Anyway, just a thought. Does anyone have an opinion? Please don't throw god at me. Because god, is not something I believe in. Although I respect everyones opinions and beliefs in it... it's just not for me.

Something else I have been considering is being gay. I know this sounds ridiculous. I am very curious. I have made out with women before, a number of times. And I have always wanted the opportunity to meet... a female. Independently of anything or anyone I knew and just. See. I'm definitely not saying that it will be physical, because as far as ... all of that. The whole gay sex totally freaks me out. But. I mean I don't know. So I'm kinda thinking maybe when i get back to London, which is next weekend THANK FUCK! that maybe, I'll go hit a gay bar, by myself. And just maybe dip a toe in. And check out the scene. Does that sound crazy?

Also, I am fat and enormous and disgusting and pathetic and I can't control myself. And I miss Roy so much. But I won't let myself miss him. Everyday its getting better. One day I'll stop thinking about him. Fuck sakes. Sorry so much bullshit in this post. But as I said, I never usually play by the rules anyway.

Love & Questions
Xo Xo

A case of the "I'm-so-fat''s

I forget sometimes how dark all this ED stuff looks to other people... It's just so normal. And I don't think of myself as a deep and mysterious person, I mean i think people that know me think I'm bubbly and happy, but somehow (well, I was googling what Hillary Duff's weight was at her lowest) I ended up on whyeat.net. And it's just so... dark. You know? It's kind of like it has to either be really dark and depressing or it is about recovery. I mean. I am living with an ED and I am fine with that. Okay, I do get lank sick of the constant stressing over food and the i'm-so-fat's. But I never think about in terms of being something I want to do away with or something that I need to keep secret. Right, look I don't go singing from the roof tops shouting about my ED, but I'm not scared of admitting that I have an ED. People have depression, anxiety, bipolar - whatever. Fundamentally, it doesn't have an effect on the people around me. I mean I guess that has something to do with the fact that I don't purge, so... there is that. And yes, I do feel a little awkward eating around people especially if its a binge, because you KNOW how much you can eat on a binge. I can out-eat huge men and go and go and go. And for people that know about my ED, I kinda feel like you're going... oh poor little ED girl, she can't help herself. But that is exactly what it is. That's pretty much the only time I feel awkward.

And it's funny how these binges get from just eating something you're not meant to, to being a full blown family meal for 4 down the hatch in one sitting. On sunday, feeling very down and depro with myself. I made myself a raw salad (cuz I'm still doing raw), and then the trigger thought came. You know the one, where you go 'hmmm, I think I'll just go get some food.' and then it's over, because before you know it you're out the door, down the road to the store and walking back with enough food to usually last you a week if you even ate those things to begin with. On Sunday, I ate TEN deepfried chicken wings, a huge portion of chips and a massive portion of egg fried rice washed down with TWO cans of coke. And before I could even take a step back, I had finished eating it all. And on the way back from the takeaway place... I almost started running, because I was SO excited about eating all this greasy disgusting goodness. It's the beast. I can't even tell you. And then when I got back here, I got my mayo and tomato ketchup. Laid out my drinks and just started going. The food was so hot it burnt my mouth, but i couldn't stop. And then it's like you dive head first into this world... Like a drug. And then literally your next form of consciousness is when it's all gone. And then, its when all the food is gone, for me, there is a conflict of two overwhelming feelings. The one says to me: Thank god its all gone, I don't have to deal with this food anymore. The other part: I wish I had more, why didn't I buy more. i want more before I have to deal with the consequences of what I have just done.  I'm not really sure how I got onto this topic... Anyway.

Yesterday I had 430 cals for the day. All raw, except my coffee. Next weekend is my last weekend in this shitty little town. I can't wait to get back to London. And the weekend after that I am going to this awesome club in Shoreditch called Fevula. And last time I went there was two years ago when I was fatter. And I remember getting hella dressed up for the occasion and went out thinking. People are going to notice me tonight, I look amazing. And I ended up feeling fat and disgusting. And no one noticed me. So this time. Things need to be different. I have my dress and shoes picked out already and I want to be at least 53kgs by then, which is 4kgs in two weeks. Totally doable. And for the last two days, every time I've thought about food, I've reminded myself of how disappointed I was that night. And I'm determined to NOT be that fat girl.  I WILL NOT BE THAT FAT GIRL! To my London ladies, I really want to meet up with some of ya'll. I know that's weird and intimidating or whatever. But my email is on this blog. So just let me know, you know?

After two days of lovely beautiful restricting, I am starting to feel beautiful again. Empty is beautiful.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Maybe Karma has intentions..

There are a couple of hippie beliefs that I have. Which may be childish, or maybe they have to do a connection I believe I have to the energy of the world. But I have always been a wish upon a star, blowing dandelions, cross my heart kind of person. If there is something to wish on, I never pass up an opportunity that maybe my wish will come true. I mean... It doesn't hurt right. And my new fav thing in England is blowing dandelions, which we used to do when I was little where you make a wish and then you blow the... thing apart. you know. The dandelion. Last time I did it was a week or two ago and I wished something about my ex... (you can't tell your wishes or they won't come true) and today I was in the garden and I picked one up and was about to wish the same thing. But then. I kinda had this thought that maybe wishing is just a way of attracting the right kind of energy or karmic pull to yourself that makes you more likely to have these things that you want... but maybe also there is some kind of universal... something that will make sure you only get the kind of energy you put into the world... like karma. But if you wish for something with bad energy, then you won't get it. Does that make sense? So maybe my first wish about my ex was going to bring bad energy to me... which is why I won't get what I want. So after having that thought, I wished something else. Positive energy... :) Look, I know this sounds so hippie-awful and I'm totally not one of those people, but you can't ignore certain cosmic coincidences that go on in your life. Sometimes, I really believe that if you put things into the world, they will come back to you. Two things happened like that today. The first relates to my little cry fest that I had last night. During the cry fest I randomly, for the first time in like two years, listened to this song that I used to be obsessed with before I met my ex and then after we broke up, last night was the first time I heard it and it was so weird, but it's like I understood the lyrics of the song way more than I ever did. And then today on facebook, I was mulling around and my... spiritual counterpart, this friend of mine with whom I have this weird connection to... like we are just on a weird wave length where we'll both say exactly the same thing at the same time. Anyway, it's weird. So today, his facebook status was the lyrics to that song I listened to last night. And let me tell you, it is not his genre of music. The other thing that happened today was that I met this dude on... Saturday? And he asked me to add him on fb because we got on really well and whatever and I added him, but he didn't accept. And I was downstairs making coffee after sitting at my computer all day today and I started thinking about him and I went upstairs and lo- and behold he had accepted my friend request and wrote on my wall. Cosmic coincidences, I'm telling you!

Anyway, this has nothing to do with anything. I just thought I'd share. Because I dunno. I feel like I didn't care about my energy in this world for the longest time despite being constantly reminded that there was something about it. And now. Well. I feel like now my eyes are open. I'm not crazy I swear.

Energy & Karma
Xo Xo