Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A case of the "I'm-so-fat''s

I forget sometimes how dark all this ED stuff looks to other people... It's just so normal. And I don't think of myself as a deep and mysterious person, I mean i think people that know me think I'm bubbly and happy, but somehow (well, I was googling what Hillary Duff's weight was at her lowest) I ended up on whyeat.net. And it's just so... dark. You know? It's kind of like it has to either be really dark and depressing or it is about recovery. I mean. I am living with an ED and I am fine with that. Okay, I do get lank sick of the constant stressing over food and the i'm-so-fat's. But I never think about in terms of being something I want to do away with or something that I need to keep secret. Right, look I don't go singing from the roof tops shouting about my ED, but I'm not scared of admitting that I have an ED. People have depression, anxiety, bipolar - whatever. Fundamentally, it doesn't have an effect on the people around me. I mean I guess that has something to do with the fact that I don't purge, so... there is that. And yes, I do feel a little awkward eating around people especially if its a binge, because you KNOW how much you can eat on a binge. I can out-eat huge men and go and go and go. And for people that know about my ED, I kinda feel like you're going... oh poor little ED girl, she can't help herself. But that is exactly what it is. That's pretty much the only time I feel awkward.

And it's funny how these binges get from just eating something you're not meant to, to being a full blown family meal for 4 down the hatch in one sitting. On sunday, feeling very down and depro with myself. I made myself a raw salad (cuz I'm still doing raw), and then the trigger thought came. You know the one, where you go 'hmmm, I think I'll just go get some food.' and then it's over, because before you know it you're out the door, down the road to the store and walking back with enough food to usually last you a week if you even ate those things to begin with. On Sunday, I ate TEN deepfried chicken wings, a huge portion of chips and a massive portion of egg fried rice washed down with TWO cans of coke. And before I could even take a step back, I had finished eating it all. And on the way back from the takeaway place... I almost started running, because I was SO excited about eating all this greasy disgusting goodness. It's the beast. I can't even tell you. And then when I got back here, I got my mayo and tomato ketchup. Laid out my drinks and just started going. The food was so hot it burnt my mouth, but i couldn't stop. And then it's like you dive head first into this world... Like a drug. And then literally your next form of consciousness is when it's all gone. And then, its when all the food is gone, for me, there is a conflict of two overwhelming feelings. The one says to me: Thank god its all gone, I don't have to deal with this food anymore. The other part: I wish I had more, why didn't I buy more. i want more before I have to deal with the consequences of what I have just done.  I'm not really sure how I got onto this topic... Anyway.

Yesterday I had 430 cals for the day. All raw, except my coffee. Next weekend is my last weekend in this shitty little town. I can't wait to get back to London. And the weekend after that I am going to this awesome club in Shoreditch called Fevula. And last time I went there was two years ago when I was fatter. And I remember getting hella dressed up for the occasion and went out thinking. People are going to notice me tonight, I look amazing. And I ended up feeling fat and disgusting. And no one noticed me. So this time. Things need to be different. I have my dress and shoes picked out already and I want to be at least 53kgs by then, which is 4kgs in two weeks. Totally doable. And for the last two days, every time I've thought about food, I've reminded myself of how disappointed I was that night. And I'm determined to NOT be that fat girl.  I WILL NOT BE THAT FAT GIRL! To my London ladies, I really want to meet up with some of ya'll. I know that's weird and intimidating or whatever. But my email is on this blog. So just let me know, you know?

After two days of lovely beautiful restricting, I am starting to feel beautiful again. Empty is beautiful.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

12 comments:

TinyRose said...

I'm so glad that you wrote this.

Whyeat.net is such a weird place. I've been on a couple times just looking around and its like they are all so hostile towards each other and everything and everyone that doesn't completely hate eating disorders.

I am not pro-ana, but I am not ashamed of my eating disorder. I am ashamed of binging and purging. But fasting and restricting and feeling empty gives me comfort. It lets me feel proud of myself. Sure, I wish that I could simply be okay with being chubby and not worry about this whole mess. But I can't, and I except that and I am okay with that. I don't know, its complicated, and you just explained it perfectly.

I hope you are doing okay <3

Pride.Strength.Courage
~TinyRose

WinterA said...

Yeah Whyeat.net is not as bad as the other sites I have been on. There is this one site I go to it has to be just full of young people( I am talking 18 and under ) They annoy me because they are whining about how fat they are, how much they want to be ana or mia, how do they lose weight the fastest, I wan a weight loss buddy. I had to stop going on there because they started to sound stupider and more selfish by the minute.

That almost happened to me last week. I almost could not make it last week. I was trying to treat myself by having god I can't even remember what it was now but after that. My body just kept wanting to eat and eat and eat. I started to feel like crap. Now I am making a come back.

I am glad you are back on track. Hopefully your mind and body will hold up. We all have our breaking points......

Alina said...

London meet up sounds interesting. Especially as I don't really leave my house =\ make a post about it?
Xx

Tatyana said...

I know exactly what you're talking about. My friends do know that I have one, I'm not scared to admit that either (but not shouting around like you said). My current size works for my advantage here, they find it really surprising. But once I tell them I have an ed, I also say that I don't want it to affect on anything in that relationship because I don't want my friends turn to food police since it's no good and will ruin everything; eventually this whole thing is between me and myself and if I want to starve, there's nothing they can do until they can prove that I'm harmful to myself and put me in forced treatment... and that's long way to go. They're the thing that keep me sane.

Haven't really been on whyeat... and sounds like the place where's no need to find my way either.

Stay positive, you're back in balance and everything is good.

Slimarific said...

Darn right you should feel beautiful, 'cause you are!!!! :D

Ayden said...

So, my weight update for week 2 isn't on the challenge page. There are so many comments there that I'm sure its easy to miss them. Maybe try deleting the comments after you've updated their info on the page? that way there aren't like 400 comments for you to scroll through.
Anyway, my stats are in those many comments...

clytie said...

I always remember the saying" don't ruin what you want in the long run for what you want in the moment" when it comes to bingeing. helps sometimes.

I'm glad your not ashamed of who you are :]

SimplyBeautiful said...

Totally understand everything you are saying. As soon as that thought hits your mind, you are out that door before you can even think about the consequences.
Have fun in London and keep up the good work, you will lose the weight easy :)
Love Logan x x

Logan said...

Ahhh, the im-oh-so-fat days, don't you just love them.
Well done girl with the restricting, you will be well ahead with the 4kgs. You can do it. I love London! :)
x xx

EnHL3 said...

hey piggy>>>
i've been quite a mess lately,juggling school and my long days of bitchyness due to HUNGER!!!BUT lucky for me my work is done for this semester and im going to hala a bit more,i feel so bad for being AWOL for such a long time...sorry a mil darlin but ive read up and like wise enjoyed /envied those who were around to enjoy you all those weeks back.OMG the challenge i need to know is it too late for me to join???please please please i need this kinda shit at the moment im on the brink of disaster...since the last time we spoke ive managed to lose a good 10kgs and im ecstatic over that tiny difference hoping to see more of that!so now that im a bit off the universities hook we'll talk MUCH LOVE LIEFIE...we'll sure talk sooo000N!!!

Cammie said...

Oh my god, for 400+ calories, I'd rather just eat something I actually like.

I mean, I enjoy veggies just as the much as the next person, but I can't imagine sitting down to eat an entire bowl full of raw ones. But trust me, you're being greatly admired for it on my end!

Keep it up <3

Finally Perfection said...

whyeat is down today... but I know what you mean about dark sites... I don't really hide my weird eating, but then again, I suppose I do. I definitely hide the binges and I much prefer to eat alone than in public.... hm... thinking about it, maybe I'm more secretive than I realised.
I would like to meet up... when I'm skinnier. I'm in the North of England, so not London based, but I love London and would love to meet up, but since I'm SO MUCH bigger than the rest of you, there's no way I can do that until I'm skinny. So 2050 then. ;)
xx