I forget sometimes how dark all this ED stuff looks to other people... It's just so normal. And I don't think of myself as a deep and mysterious person, I mean i think people that know me think I'm bubbly and happy, but somehow (well, I was googling what Hillary Duff's weight was at her lowest) I ended up on whyeat.net. And it's just so... dark. You know? It's kind of like it has to either be really dark and depressing or it is about recovery. I mean. I am living with an ED and I am fine with that. Okay, I do get lank sick of the constant stressing over food and the i'm-so-fat's. But I never think about in terms of being something I want to do away with or something that I need to keep secret. Right, look I don't go singing from the roof tops shouting about my ED, but I'm not scared of admitting that I have an ED. People have depression, anxiety, bipolar - whatever. Fundamentally, it doesn't have an effect on the people around me. I mean I guess that has something to do with the fact that I don't purge, so... there is that. And yes, I do feel a little awkward eating around people especially if its a binge, because you KNOW how much you can eat on a binge. I can out-eat huge men and go and go and go. And for people that know about my ED, I kinda feel like you're going... oh poor little ED girl, she can't help herself. But that is exactly what it is. That's pretty much the only time I feel awkward.
And it's funny how these binges get from just eating something you're not meant to, to being a full blown family meal for 4 down the hatch in one sitting. On sunday, feeling very down and depro with myself. I made myself a raw salad (cuz I'm still doing raw), and then the trigger thought came. You know the one, where you go 'hmmm, I think I'll just go get some food.' and then it's over, because before you know it you're out the door, down the road to the store and walking back with enough food to usually last you a week if you even ate those things to begin with. On Sunday, I ate TEN deepfried chicken wings, a huge portion of chips and a massive portion of egg fried rice washed down with TWO cans of coke. And before I could even take a step back, I had finished eating it all. And on the way back from the takeaway place... I almost started running, because I was SO excited about eating all this greasy disgusting goodness. It's the beast. I can't even tell you. And then when I got back here, I got my mayo and tomato ketchup. Laid out my drinks and just started going. The food was so hot it burnt my mouth, but i couldn't stop. And then it's like you dive head first into this world... Like a drug. And then literally your next form of consciousness is when it's all gone. And then, its when all the food is gone, for me, there is a conflict of two overwhelming feelings. The one says to me: Thank god its all gone, I don't have to deal with this food anymore. The other part: I wish I had more, why didn't I buy more. i want more before I have to deal with the consequences of what I have just done. I'm not really sure how I got onto this topic... Anyway.
Yesterday I had 430 cals for the day. All raw, except my coffee. Next weekend is my last weekend in this shitty little town. I can't wait to get back to London. And the weekend after that I am going to this awesome club in Shoreditch called Fevula. And last time I went there was two years ago when I was fatter. And I remember getting hella dressed up for the occasion and went out thinking. People are going to notice me tonight, I look amazing. And I ended up feeling fat and disgusting. And no one noticed me. So this time. Things need to be different. I have my dress and shoes picked out already and I want to be at least 53kgs by then, which is 4kgs in two weeks. Totally doable. And for the last two days, every time I've thought about food, I've reminded myself of how disappointed I was that night. And I'm determined to NOT be that fat girl. I WILL NOT BE THAT FAT GIRL! To my London ladies, I really want to meet up with some of ya'll. I know that's weird and intimidating or whatever. But my email is on this blog. So just let me know, you know?
After two days of lovely beautiful restricting, I am starting to feel beautiful again. Empty is beautiful.
Love & Peace