I know this is totally left field and i don't want to freak anyone out or anything like that. I also know that this has nothing to do with weight or ED's or anything like that, but since when have I played by the rules...? I have been watching this reality show called Polyamory. Basically, it's the idea of being in love with several people and being able to, within that relationship have other lovers or boyfriends. The show I am watching consists of a married couple and their girlfriend who get engaged as a triad. And then two married couples who are... for lack of a better word. A foursome. And they all have sex together and love together... Now. I don't know why exactly this has struck a cord with me... Maybe its because i feel like I can love different people at the same time, deeply but that it doesn't detract from the love I have for the other person. I mean. When I was dating Roy, I was still very deeply in love with Lilypad. And the affairs I had beyond that relationship did not necessarily mean that I loved him any less, it was just that there were other feelings involved with the affair I had with a friend of his... I don't know does that make sense? Similarly, I am overwhelmed when i watch these people at the love. Just the overwhelming love they have for each other, and its not all about sex. I mean, its just so much love. Love like I cannot imagine receiving from anyone. And... now this is making me cry about Roy again. Dammit. I'm so sick of crying about him. Fuck sakes. Anyway. I mean look, its one of two things that I'm thinking about with regards to polyamory, am I just looking for an excuse to be able to have sex with more than one person, in which case I'm a bad monogamist. Or is it something more, something like I feel like I need more love than I can get from one person... Is hoping for that much love from one person unrealistic. <-- This sentence right now. Tears. Just tears. I thought I had that much love. But I didn't... maybe it's time for a new strategy. I'm just curious I guess. God, the scars run so deep. So deep. Anyway, just a thought. Does anyone have an opinion? Please don't throw god at me. Because god, is not something I believe in. Although I respect everyones opinions and beliefs in it... it's just not for me.
Something else I have been considering is being gay. I know this sounds ridiculous. I am very curious. I have made out with women before, a number of times. And I have always wanted the opportunity to meet... a female. Independently of anything or anyone I knew and just. See. I'm definitely not saying that it will be physical, because as far as ... all of that. The whole gay sex totally freaks me out. But. I mean I don't know. So I'm kinda thinking maybe when i get back to London, which is next weekend THANK FUCK! that maybe, I'll go hit a gay bar, by myself. And just maybe dip a toe in. And check out the scene. Does that sound crazy?
Also, I am fat and enormous and disgusting and pathetic and I can't control myself. And I miss Roy so much. But I won't let myself miss him. Everyday its getting better. One day I'll stop thinking about him. Fuck sakes. Sorry so much bullshit in this post. But as I said, I never usually play by the rules anyway.
Love & Questions