Sunday, August 26, 2012

Polyamory & Lipstick Lesbians

I know this is totally left field and i don't want to freak anyone out or anything like that. I also know that this has nothing to do with weight or ED's or anything like that, but since when have I played by the rules...? I have been watching this reality show called Polyamory. Basically, it's the idea of being in love with several people and being able to, within that relationship have other lovers or boyfriends. The show I am watching consists of a married couple and their girlfriend who get engaged as a triad. And then two married couples who are... for lack of a better word. A foursome. And they all have sex together and love together... Now. I don't know why exactly this has struck a cord with me... Maybe its because i feel like I can love different people at the same time, deeply but that it doesn't detract from the love I have for the other person. I mean. When I was dating Roy, I was still very deeply in love with Lilypad. And the affairs I had beyond that relationship did not necessarily mean that I loved him any less, it was just that there were other feelings involved with the affair I had with a friend of his... I don't know does that make sense? Similarly, I am overwhelmed when i watch these people at the love. Just the overwhelming love they have for each other, and its not all about sex. I mean, its just so much love. Love like I cannot imagine receiving from anyone. And... now this is making me cry about Roy again. Dammit. I'm so sick of crying about him. Fuck sakes. Anyway. I mean look, its one of two things that I'm thinking about with regards to polyamory, am I just looking for an excuse to be able to have sex with more than one person, in which case I'm a bad monogamist. Or is it something more, something like I feel like I need more love than I can get from one person... Is hoping for that much love from one person unrealistic. <-- This sentence right now. Tears. Just tears. I thought I had that much love. But I didn't... maybe it's time for a new strategy. I'm just curious I guess. God, the scars run so deep. So deep. Anyway, just a thought. Does anyone have an opinion? Please don't throw god at me. Because god, is not something I believe in. Although I respect everyones opinions and beliefs in it... it's just not for me.

Something else I have been considering is being gay. I know this sounds ridiculous. I am very curious. I have made out with women before, a number of times. And I have always wanted the opportunity to meet... a female. Independently of anything or anyone I knew and just. See. I'm definitely not saying that it will be physical, because as far as ... all of that. The whole gay sex totally freaks me out. But. I mean I don't know. So I'm kinda thinking maybe when i get back to London, which is next weekend THANK FUCK! that maybe, I'll go hit a gay bar, by myself. And just maybe dip a toe in. And check out the scene. Does that sound crazy?

Also, I am fat and enormous and disgusting and pathetic and I can't control myself. And I miss Roy so much. But I won't let myself miss him. Everyday its getting better. One day I'll stop thinking about him. Fuck sakes. Sorry so much bullshit in this post. But as I said, I never usually play by the rules anyway.

Love & Questions
Xo Xo

10 comments:

Stephanie Ray-leigh said...

No, no, don't be sorry for this ^^
I love what just kinda spills out sometimes from people, it's so interesting.
Anywaaays, I've always considered myself confused. All I know is I find some girls attractive and some guys attractive. and I don't know the rest. Though I've been with both guys and girls I'm not any closer to figuring it out. So I'm not of much help here.
I don't know about love.. I've never been loved like that. None of the sex I've ever had has meant more than just a lustful night. and I'm personally scared to fall in love, what if I find I like random sex better? I don't know.
It's confusing. Everything always is. But only way for you to know is to try, right?
Good luck Xoxo~

ruby-tuesday said...

I don't think of myself as attracted to boys or girls, I'm attracted to the person and that could be a boy or a girl.
Members of my family are gay so I think that opened my mind.
I haven't had a relationship in a long time, my eating disorder made sure of that.

This post was very interesting,
I don't think humans are natural monogamists, just look at the divorce rate.

I wouldn't rile out a relationship with a girl. From looking at members of my family, it's much more intense than a boy/girl relationship.

Enjoy 'dipping your toe' in to the gay scene x

Finally Perfection said...

Do it and don't be scared. Love is love is love. That's all.
I always considered myself a gay woman, then I had a boyfriend that broke my heart, a couple of girl relationships that didn't go anywhere and then... I married a man I'd know FOREVER. But I'm still attracted to women and I love my husband, but I'm also open with him about things....
So what I'm saying is that I fully understand where you are coming from and you're single and free and don't be afraid to grab a little piece of happiness xxxx

Emma said...

Don't be sorry love... Hell, it's your blog. Write whatever you want. We love you and want to hear about YOU, not just your weight loss <3
And... As for having a relationship like on the show... I don't really believe in it. I need loyalty, and I'm a jealous freakout so... that wouldn't work for me. But you know... what it really sounds like... is you need friends. So maybe going to a gay bar, but not for sexual stuff, might be good. Just to be intimate with someone emotionally without the sex. It might help. I have no idea.. Just.. if you aren't gay, I don't recommend going gay, and no offense to anyone that is or isn't or who has a cousin... But I think you should do what feels right.
Anyway... love you <3
-Emma

AstoriaC said...

I have several things to say about this post:
1. I love that show! I also consider myself a polyamourist. I'm more into the sort of polyamoury that involves multiple in one relationship, together, moreso than the kind which involves two main partners, each with their own lovers/partners on the side. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in love with several people and having them love you back equally. Just because it isn't widely accepted or recognized doesn't mean it's wrong. When done right (that is, with minimal jealousy and complete honesty and trust) polyamoury can be a beautiful thing.

2. I just got out of a relationship with my first girlfriend. Like you, before I dated her I'd madeout with girls and always found them attractive, but didn't really know if I could date a woman or if I was gay or if I was bi (because I very much still love men) or what it all meant. I met my ex at a party andwe hit it off. She's 100% lesbian and I was afraid because I was inexperienced with women and knew I still liked men, but she was really understanding and didn't rush or pressure me at all. It's all about just finding a woman who's right for you, if any are. A gay bar is a good place to start! >.<

3. I just moved to london a few days ago! Saw that you were coming here, whereabouts the city do you live?

hmm this was really long but i hope it helped!

-A.C.

The Lovely Bones said...

I think that's definitely normal.
I have had strong feelings for multiple people before.
I cheated on someone before, and although I really did care about the person I was with, I also loved the person I cheated with. They were different kinds of love though. As a result I broke up with the one I was with, and a while later got my heart broken by the other guy when he cheated on me. Probably some kind of sick karma. But honestly, I know I wouldn't have changed the situation because I loved them both, and I didn't know what else to do.

I say that you should live your life however you please. It's ridiculous that humans have to remain with one single person for their entire lives, and honestly it's unrealistic.
Do what you want and just live your life.

Honor Regzig said...

I think honesty is the best policy here. I'm a monogamy type person. I accept that not everyone thinks the way I do and I'll be friends with them but only date other monogamists. We're all individuals and I need the commitment. I don't want to share. I respect your free will & you respect mine.
Same idea with the gay scene. Anything goes so long as you're honest about your desires! Let it be known that you're Questioning, not necessarily seeking a relationship, just Questioning, and someone will eventually gravitate towards you. I found out there are some women who really enjoy being a girl's first same-sex experience. They seek it out! And being targeted by them can be fun! Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything *whistles innocently*

You have nothing to be ashamed of in this post. Honesty is a good thing, even if you're honestly confused! Still honesty. Social discomfort from being honest right away is still soooo much better than breaking someone's heart.

Gabrielle said...

Don't be sorry for the 'bullshit' as you put it... it's not bullshit, it's just mind dribblings, and I love them! You should totally go for it. I mean, I'm sure my opinion doesn't mean much, but like, personally, I've been with both boys and girls, and had feelings for both, but I don't think I have to label myself as bisexual, just a person who loves other people.. if you see what I mean. Although a lot of my friends feel the need to put things in boxes so they call me bisexual to make themselves feel more at ease. The way I see it, I could fall in love with anyone, a man or a woman, and it wouldn't really matter to be honest... that's not what love is about anyway, it's not about gender. I say go for it. Gay clubbing in London is so much fun. I advise you to go to Dalston Superstore on the first Thursday of the next month, they have a lesbian night there and it's so much fun, I always manage to pull when I go, haha. Haven't been for a while though. Good luck honey xxxxx

Ayden said...

I don't think you're crazy at all. Polyamory is no different than monogamy where it concerns love. I think that it's a beautiful thing, I'm just too possessive and territorial to try it myself. As for the lesbian thing, if you're having these feelings, they're worth looking into. Don't ignore them or suppress them, because that'll only hurt you in the long run. Embrace them and try it out. I've always heard that women are better lovers anyway =]

Flawed Design said...

LOL! That show sounds amazing it is definatly going on my 'to watch' list!

Personally i think you can love more than one person at a time. Just cos you care about someone doesnt mean you care about someone else any less. The only problem is us humans are fallible and tend to be jealous creatures right :P Thats proberly why we tend to stick to just one partner...I am certainly no angel in the relationship department

I Cry over my ex sometime still and we havent been together for over 6 months now! AND im seeing someone else! So dont feel bad about crying cos you miss someone <3 just give it time sweetie!

I think maybe when you find the right bloke they will give you enough 'love' and you wont need to look to other people maybe? ...Thats what im hoping LOL! fingers crossed.

Scars remind you what you survived darling, even if they run deep. Fuck I should write hallmark cards.

Lol, sounds like london will be an adventurous trip for you!! XD have fun!!! :) I love london! I only live about 40 mins by train so love to pop up there for weekends sometimes XD

Who says you only have to go for men?...its your life live it how you want :)

I always think rules are more like guidelines... :P Its fun to challenge them sometimes eh <3
xXx