Thursday, April 21, 2016

I Keep Getting Stoned

The result of which is that I have not been posting, because I come home, get stoned and flumph in bed till I fall asleep and then I'm doing the same thing daily. This is what happened...

I started my new job and they introduced me to James, who - as it turns out - sits almost directly in front of me - he's my awkward eye contact person. You know that person in the office who happens to occupy the exact space that your eyes naturally come to rest on while you are thinking. Everyone in every office has one. I saw him and extended my hand which he took, and we stood there holding each other's hands not really saying anything. My eyes were glazing over as I was just kinda mesmerised. It's not that he's hot or particularly good looking. He's one cheeseburger away from disaster - if you know what I mean - a little chubby, but not chubby. He's obsessed with food and weight loss like I am - allegedly he used to weigh 18 stone. (WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS IN METRIC - whoever decided that a stone is a worthwhile unit of measurement can suck my dick.) He is tall, about 6'2'', I'd guess. With a shaggy, but short blonde heard and blue eyes. He's a gentle soul also, sweet and soft spoken - the kind of guy who'd happily go down on you for hours and claim to enjoy it. (CRUDE PIGGY, SO CRUDE, you know what I mean though.) 

Anyway, so there has been a vibe with James from the beginning and on Friday last week we ended up in the pub getting battered on vodka and gin. He told me that he has these pills (*wink wink* you know THOSE pills) - so we decided to go back to his and take these pills. 

Hold up - before he did that, he spent a lot of time telling me how he's previously hooked up with men and how he really enjoys "pleasuring" his partners - I mean, okaaaay, I'm in. I could see where this was going and I didn't hate it. I was also feeling skinny because my starvation efforts are yielding results, so I wanted to get a little freaky (let's not mention that my lady garden has last seen a wax strip in a while, so that precludes me from just whipping it out). 

As the pills started to kick in, I climbed on top of him and so began a truly beautiful experience of touching (not in a sexy way #bushissues) - his beard, his hairy chest (yes, it wasn't awful), his face, his hair. We had a bath together, we slept next to each other - no funny business. 

The next morning, I woke up ILL - more to do with the landslide of vodka on an empty stomach than the pills. I vomited bile three times, took an Uber home and ordered a bag of weed. There was no way to survive otherwise. And this is how I came to - not only be involved in an affair with a man from work, but also how I came to have another enormous stash of weed which has precluded my posting. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my story of James. The kicker is that he is going travelling in New Zealand and Australia for two years, leaving in about six weeks. 

I am on track with my weightloss, today being 68.9kg - the goal is to be under 68 flat by Monday. Kicker - I'm going to Paris on Saturday, BUT my challenge is to restrict the whole time there and get loads of steps in. 

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo 

No comments: