Saturday, March 25, 2017

And She Sobbed And Sobbed And Sobbed

Chris and I broke up. For real this time - I have blocked him on everything and there is no way for him to reach me even if he wanted to. I also deleted my number and as silly as this sounds, I deleted out whatsapp chat - which is literally the entire history of our relationship. It's how we've communicated all these months. 

Last night I then went out and got drunk with that Italian guy that I was seeing last summer with the sole intention of sleeping with him. I couldn't go through with it, mostly because I got my period and I could have gone through with it, but I didn't want to. 

Then I got home and drank more port. And then I started crying. And boy, did I cry. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. I kept looking at the spot on my bed where he looked so perfect lying there. The realisation dawned on me that I will never see him again, I will never speak to him again. He is gone. He is not part of my life anymore and unlike the times before this, I know it's true this time. 

I will never smell him again (he smelled so damn good), so hold his hand or play with his hair. He is gone now. The only thing I have left are a few pics, which I've been weirdly looking at although I don't know if I feel connected to anymore, a few sex toys that he bought for us and a bunch of flowers which will die in a few weeks. He bought them for me on Sunday when he was came here. That will be the last time I ever see him. 

Today, I woke up and my eyes were still puffy. My eyes are still puffy. But I feel better - I feel like I've accepted it. I've accepted it and feel like I've got it out of my system. It's over now and I am okay with it. 

As that annoying song says, now you're just somebody that I used to know. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

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