Couple of things I want to mention just quick. Well three specifically. The first is that I have found that while trying to avoid the binges while doing "well" (okay, so not eating is doing well, but good restriction is second best, I think), I find myself looking through the kitchen for safe things to eat and then running out of there like a crazy person if I don't find these things. Like fucking scared of that shit man. It's a little silly obviously, but it's almost like every damn second that I am in that kitchen, the more it tempting it becomes and the more those little fucking calories hiding the cupboards are eroding my will. Wanting me to put them in my mouth and then feel so guilty about it later that I want to die. It's silly. I know it's silly.
The other thing is that for the last few days (BINGE FREE FOR FOUR DAYS), I have been doing what the Hoare said I should do, which is to eat three meals a day... well my version of what she said. So yesterday and today I have had my 130 cal Tuna WONDER SALAD (*happy panda*), then a little bit of dinner and you know, keeping those calories down AND not binging. Apparently it's about not letting your sugar levels spiral. I have also been good with my calorie tracker. So I know where my shit is coming from. Also trying to work in the protein, cuz I am bruising like a fucking banana. Anyway, so whilst I will never admit it, may she is right. FUcking WHORE! Today I weighed 58.6. If I don't binge today and stay within my 700 cal limit, I know I can be under 58 tomorrow. I know I can :) :). Oh so I measured myself again and apparently I am actually on 176cm/5f9in. So in fact my BMI is higher than I thought. But when I get down to 55, it will be a beautiful 17.8. Doesn't that sound lovely?
The other thing... what was it!? FUCK! Oh ja, :) Okay, so today I am starting to understand what it means to feel empty. I feel like I am immune to everything all day except for a few minutes of emotional meltdown that come sporadically for three minutes and then... it's like I am just drifting around. Like I don't care. Everything has nothing to do with me. I'm invisible. I'm in the place the eye does not see. Just nothing. My housemate and I are still at wars and I am so mean to him, but I don't give a shit. I don't care, he must just leave me alone. I want everyone to just let me be and let me watch gossip girl (yeahhhh watched like 5 eps last night *chuck bass SIGH*) Maybe I am a psychopath... maybe. But I just feel like there is nothing. Just nothing.
Anyway. Anyone wanna try a little solidarity pact - no binging? I know I will fail, as is evident from my blog, I can't commit to anything. London 24 days. OH and - just need to say. Sammy has promised me that she won't purge more than twice a day. I know I am not perfect, but I love everyone of the beautiful flowers that read this and I am willing to make a pact to not cut, in exchange for something similar. We want to be skinny petals, but we need to stay alive. And mia... It can't go on forever. I don't mean to sound like a terrible hypocrite, but. Well. You know what I mean. My destructive, dangerous thing is cutting - for some it's drugs or Mia - whatever it is. I think we need to try kick some of this in the ass. I know I am running out of canvas to destroy. OH and I haven't had a drink since Saturday. I'm proud of myself. :)
Love & Standing Together Forever
Xo Xo
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Crushing... Again.
Today has been good. I feel like I exercised a fair amount of control. AND figured out a good healthy lunchtime meal. YAY. So according to what I should be doing with the nutritionist or dietitian - i.e. having three meals a day. I TOTALLY did and fuck it, my calories for today are a little high, but I know what the failure was. Anyway, so my calories for today are 798. Which is about 100 higher than what I want. I want to be able to maintain 700. Everyday. But I think for the first three weeks (remember 21 days to form a habit) - if I can stay below 1000 and not binge, then it will be a-okay.
So today I ate a nectarine (which I won't be doing often since it's a shiton of calories per one fruit, it's fucking ridicu-fucking-lous), a tuna salad for lunch (130 calories - 80g of tuna, 100g cucumber, 15g hellmans low fat mayo), an apple, a plum, topped off with butternut soup. The soup is what failed me because it was with garlic, butternut, carrots and stupidly I was talking to my housemate while I was cooking and just put a fuckload of olive oil in it. Which accounts for almost a third of my calories for the day. So, no more olive oil. But. Yes, it has been good. And I am feeling satisfied :) :)
The topic of my post is about my housemate, who is just so goddamn sexy. And we have spent almost the whole day chatting and he is just... dreamy. Like fucked up. But this isn't the one I hooked up with. An aside is that the one I did hook up with, I met his mother today because she came round to the house and she was like "oh you're fat piggy" - like she knew who I was. *facepalm* fuck it.
Got more shit together today for my visa and yes, things are going well :) :). I am going to see tenacious D in june in Brixton. FUCK I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!!!!
Love & Cleanliness
Xo Xo
So today I ate a nectarine (which I won't be doing often since it's a shiton of calories per one fruit, it's fucking ridicu-fucking-lous), a tuna salad for lunch (130 calories - 80g of tuna, 100g cucumber, 15g hellmans low fat mayo), an apple, a plum, topped off with butternut soup. The soup is what failed me because it was with garlic, butternut, carrots and stupidly I was talking to my housemate while I was cooking and just put a fuckload of olive oil in it. Which accounts for almost a third of my calories for the day. So, no more olive oil. But. Yes, it has been good. And I am feeling satisfied :) :)
The topic of my post is about my housemate, who is just so goddamn sexy. And we have spent almost the whole day chatting and he is just... dreamy. Like fucked up. But this isn't the one I hooked up with. An aside is that the one I did hook up with, I met his mother today because she came round to the house and she was like "oh you're fat piggy" - like she knew who I was. *facepalm* fuck it.
Got more shit together today for my visa and yes, things are going well :) :). I am going to see tenacious D in june in Brixton. FUCK I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!!!!
Love & Cleanliness
Xo Xo
Monday, March 5, 2012
*PANDA*
I have moved forward my trip to London to the end of this month. Going to get my visa on friday if everything goes according to plan. Really really scared, but excited at the same time. My parents have been so fantastic about the whole thing. The stupid thing is that all I can think about is that I need to get a scale as soon as I get there. I can't only weigh once a week when I go to the pharmacy or something silly like that. No ways jose.
Food wise, it has been horrible. Well, not horrible, but I have had my period so there is that and the bloating is just fucken nasty. But on the plus side I still weigh in at about 60 of a weekend of hard drinking and rougher binging. So today, I decided to keep it clean, but then I slipped and came back again. So according to my calorie counter I ate 723 calories (there was bread, cheese and mayonaise involved *sad panda*) which isn't too bad, because I slipped at lunch and had all this bread, but then we have stopped making house dinners, which means that I don't have people monitoring what if and when I eat. So I skipped dinner and have only had water since about 5pm. So 7 hour fast anyone? So if I can make it till tomorrow dinner time, then eat butternut soup, which is the plan - the I should be fine.
Because I am going to London in 26 days *happy panda*, and my london friends haven't seen me since I was a decent 75/70ish - I want to make sure that I am down to 55 for them. I need to be London skinny *excited panda* - I just had a skype chat with my bff in Londres and it was amazeballs. I can't wait to see her again. I used to have such envy of her thighs, like in a big way. And now I am thinner than she is *ECSTATIC panda* so, I can't wait to show off my thigh gap... well I'm sure she has one too. She is one of those naturally skinny bitches. But then, I do think I am prettier with better hair, so it evens out.
I'm really excited.
My mom keeps going on about my bulimia and how's she's scared that I am going to die. It annoys me, because I am not that thin... not thin at all actually... and she has nothing to worry about. Which she really doesn't. I am not technically underweight, I don't binge on shit that I shouldn't. It's more like ... okay I do eat shit I shouldn't, but my binges aren't ever HUGE and most of the time, nowadays, I'm not fasting anymore, I am just doing fruit fasts and restrictions. And I swear once I get down to 55 I will only be maintaining - no more losing. *irritated panda*
My housemate and I are at war with each other, but he is a very sweet hippie boy who can't be mean to an ant, let alone anyone else, so I play with him. And ignore him, not because I am actually mad, but rather just cuz I know it irritates him. God. Oh and I have decided that I am not drinking again till I go to London, because ... well. I can't handle my shit. I get FAR too drunk. No more drinking.
Thank you to everyone that supported me on my last few posts. I found out that my ex is dating the stupid fucking whore he got pregnant. But I am over it. I think I needed to rage it out of me and London is going to be a great distraction.
OH and in other news allegedly Agnes Deyn has been discovered to be only 24 when everyone thought she was 28. I don't see what the big deal is, but I thought it was reason enough for some AD thinspo.
So much love to everyone out there. I hope to hear more from my London bitches. We can start some ED pride. *ED panda* (this makes no sense - ever seen an anno panda?)
*love* & *panda*
Xo Xo
Food wise, it has been horrible. Well, not horrible, but I have had my period so there is that and the bloating is just fucken nasty. But on the plus side I still weigh in at about 60 of a weekend of hard drinking and rougher binging. So today, I decided to keep it clean, but then I slipped and came back again. So according to my calorie counter I ate 723 calories (there was bread, cheese and mayonaise involved *sad panda*) which isn't too bad, because I slipped at lunch and had all this bread, but then we have stopped making house dinners, which means that I don't have people monitoring what if and when I eat. So I skipped dinner and have only had water since about 5pm. So 7 hour fast anyone? So if I can make it till tomorrow dinner time, then eat butternut soup, which is the plan - the I should be fine.
Because I am going to London in 26 days *happy panda*, and my london friends haven't seen me since I was a decent 75/70ish - I want to make sure that I am down to 55 for them. I need to be London skinny *excited panda* - I just had a skype chat with my bff in Londres and it was amazeballs. I can't wait to see her again. I used to have such envy of her thighs, like in a big way. And now I am thinner than she is *ECSTATIC panda* so, I can't wait to show off my thigh gap... well I'm sure she has one too. She is one of those naturally skinny bitches. But then, I do think I am prettier with better hair, so it evens out.
I'm really excited.
My mom keeps going on about my bulimia and how's she's scared that I am going to die. It annoys me, because I am not that thin
My housemate and I are at war with each other, but he is a very sweet hippie boy who can't be mean to an ant, let alone anyone else, so I play with him. And ignore him, not because I am actually mad, but rather just cuz I know it irritates him. God. Oh and I have decided that I am not drinking again till I go to London, because ... well. I can't handle my shit. I get FAR too drunk. No more drinking.
Thank you to everyone that supported me on my last few posts. I found out that my ex is dating the stupid fucking whore he got pregnant. But I am over it. I think I needed to rage it out of me and London is going to be a great distraction.
OH and in other news allegedly Agnes Deyn has been discovered to be only 24 when everyone thought she was 28. I don't see what the big deal is, but I thought it was reason enough for some AD thinspo.
So much love to everyone out there. I hope to hear more from my London bitches. We can start some ED pride. *ED panda* (this makes no sense - ever seen an anno panda?)
*love* & *panda*
Xo Xo
Friday, March 2, 2012
Little Dramatic Piggy
I feel ill. I am losing control. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
Love & Sadness
Xo Xo
Love & Sadness
Xo Xo
Tomorrow...
I am going to drink poison. I am over this. Tomorrow the death star comes to life. Tomorrow at 8pm. I die. Goodbye.
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