Couple of things I want to mention just quick. Well three specifically. The first is that I have found that while trying to avoid the binges while doing "well" (okay, so not eating is doing well, but good restriction is second best, I think), I find myself looking through the kitchen for safe things to eat and then running out of there like a crazy person if I don't find these things. Like fucking scared of that shit man. It's a little silly obviously, but it's almost like every damn second that I am in that kitchen, the more it tempting it becomes and the more those little fucking calories hiding the cupboards are eroding my will. Wanting me to put them in my mouth and then feel so guilty about it later that I want to die. It's silly. I know it's silly.
The other thing is that for the last few days (BINGE FREE FOR FOUR DAYS), I have been doing what the Hoare said I should do, which is to eat three meals a day... well my version of what she said. So yesterday and today I have had my 130 cal Tuna WONDER SALAD (*happy panda*), then a little bit of dinner and you know, keeping those calories down AND not binging. Apparently it's about not letting your sugar levels spiral. I have also been good with my calorie tracker. So I know where my shit is coming from. Also trying to work in the protein, cuz I am bruising like a fucking banana. Anyway, so whilst I will never admit it, may she is right. FUcking WHORE! Today I weighed 58.6. If I don't binge today and stay within my 700 cal limit, I know I can be under 58 tomorrow. I know I can :) :). Oh so I measured myself again and apparently I am actually on 176cm/5f9in. So in fact my BMI is higher than I thought. But when I get down to 55, it will be a beautiful 17.8. Doesn't that sound lovely?
The other thing... what was it!? FUCK! Oh ja, :) Okay, so today I am starting to understand what it means to feel empty. I feel like I am immune to everything all day except for a few minutes of emotional meltdown that come sporadically for three minutes and then... it's like I am just drifting around. Like I don't care. Everything has nothing to do with me. I'm invisible. I'm in the place the eye does not see. Just nothing. My housemate and I are still at wars and I am so mean to him, but I don't give a shit. I don't care, he must just leave me alone. I want everyone to just let me be and let me watch gossip girl (yeahhhh watched like 5 eps last night *chuck bass SIGH*) Maybe I am a psychopath... maybe. But I just feel like there is nothing. Just nothing.
Anyway. Anyone wanna try a little solidarity pact - no binging? I know I will fail, as is evident from my blog, I can't commit to anything. London 24 days. OH and - just need to say. Sammy has promised me that she won't purge more than twice a day. I know I am not perfect, but I love everyone of the beautiful flowers that read this and I am willing to make a pact to not cut, in exchange for something similar. We want to be skinny petals, but we need to stay alive. And mia... It can't go on forever. I don't mean to sound like a terrible hypocrite, but. Well. You know what I mean. My destructive, dangerous thing is cutting - for some it's drugs or Mia - whatever it is. I think we need to try kick some of this in the ass. I know I am running out of canvas to destroy. OH and I haven't had a drink since Saturday. I'm proud of myself. :)
Love & Standing Together Forever