Monday, March 5, 2012


I have moved forward my trip to London to the end of this month. Going to get my visa on friday if everything goes according to plan. Really really scared, but excited at the same time. My parents have been so fantastic about the whole thing. The stupid thing is that all I can think about is that I need to get a scale as soon as I get there. I can't only weigh once a week when I go to the pharmacy or something silly like that. No ways jose.

Food wise, it has been horrible. Well, not horrible, but I have had my period so there is that and the bloating is just fucken nasty. But on the plus side I still weigh in at about 60 of a weekend of hard drinking and rougher binging. So today, I decided to keep it clean, but then I slipped and came back again. So according to my calorie counter I ate 723 calories (there was bread, cheese and mayonaise involved *sad panda*) which isn't too bad, because I slipped at lunch and had all this bread, but then we have stopped making house dinners, which means that I don't have people monitoring what if and when I eat. So I skipped dinner and have only had water since about 5pm. So 7 hour fast anyone? So if I can make it till tomorrow dinner time, then eat butternut soup, which is the plan - the I should be fine.

Because I am going to London in 26 days *happy panda*, and my london friends haven't seen me since I was a decent 75/70ish - I want to make sure that I am down to 55 for them. I need to be London skinny *excited panda* - I just had a skype chat with my bff in Londres and it was amazeballs. I can't wait to see her again. I used to have such envy of her thighs, like in a big way. And now I am thinner than she is *ECSTATIC panda* so, I can't wait to show off my thigh gap... well I'm sure she has one too. She is one of those naturally skinny bitches. But then, I do think I am prettier with better hair, so it evens out.

I'm really excited.

My mom keeps going on about my bulimia and how's she's scared that I am going to die. It annoys me, because I am not that thin ... not thin at all actually... and she has nothing to worry about. Which she really doesn't. I am not technically underweight, I don't binge on shit that I shouldn't. It's more like ... okay I do eat shit I shouldn't, but my binges aren't ever HUGE and most of the time, nowadays, I'm not fasting anymore, I am just doing fruit fasts and restrictions. And I swear once I get down to 55 I will only be maintaining - no more losing. *irritated panda*

My housemate and I are at war with each other, but he is a very sweet hippie boy who can't be mean to an ant, let alone anyone else, so I play with him. And ignore him, not because I am actually mad, but rather just cuz I know it irritates him. God. Oh and I have decided that I am not drinking again till I go to London, because ... well. I can't handle my shit. I get FAR too drunk. No more drinking.

Thank you to everyone that supported me on my last few posts. I found out that my ex is dating the stupid fucking whore he got pregnant. But I am over it. I think I needed to rage it out of me and London is going to be a great distraction.

OH and in other news allegedly Agnes Deyn has been discovered to be only 24 when everyone thought she was 28. I don't see what the big deal is, but I thought it was reason enough for some AD thinspo.

So much love to everyone out there. I hope to hear more from my London bitches. We can start some ED pride. *ED panda* (this makes no sense - ever seen an anno panda?)

*love* & *panda*
Xo Xo


Dumb Brunette said...

London! How exciting. I went there once when I was in high school, which was a big deal to me because it was my first time out of the States. Such a gorgeous city! And everyone there was indeed thin, although not as thin as the people were when I was in Italy.

Don't be too hard on your mom. Its her job to worry. And even if you aren't *technically* underweight, purging isn't really very good for you, it messes with your electrolyte and vitamin levels and stuff, and erodes your teeth and esophagus. Not that I'm trying to tell you what to do. Just saying that your mom has a point. If she wasn't worried about you there'd be a problem. What kind of mom would she be if she didn't worry?

Dumb Brunette said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I always think my bulimia's gonna kill me... Mostly what I think about is gastric rupture and I get all worried and then go puke to get rid of the feeling. My mom used to just sit and look at me and cry and ask if I was trying to kill myself with it... Ridiculous.
God, I would love to go to London. The more financially fortunate half of my drama class went last year and everything I've heard and seen about it makes it seem like a dream. You're so lucky (:
Also, I say happy/sad panda about things--glad I'm not the only one!
Don't stress about your ex too much, what's done is done, can't change the past, etc... Just be glad he didn't get you pregnant, hon, and fuck him, you don't need him.

Judith Marie said...

hun, I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!! YAAAAAAAAY LONDON!!!!! London will be fantastic. It will be a new start to a new life and you can forget about all the shit that you've gone through and start again being skinny as all hell. I am so looking forward to meeting you in London. I'm trying to sort out my flights right now actually!

Things will be better now. I'm so glad that things are perking up for you! And also, I feel so relieved everytime you post on this blog. Like, means you're still alive! And I love you my darling!

Anonymous said...

London! How awesome :) It'll be the best distraction, truly! And go show your friends the skinny little flower you are! ^_^

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

at the end of this month, i'd be done with fucking mocks. woot!
ahahahaha. i love you.
and duuude. i'd be freaked out if i go on holiday because i can't weigh myself not even once a week...fuuuuuuuuck.
sounds like someone's planned everything. and yum! bread and cheese. <3
i had some a cheese-and-broccoli sandwich right now. like 168 calories. and fuuuuuck.
and duude. <3 i so love you, but i need to renew my BB service one. and secondly. i might not even do that because i'll be busy with mocks :c
-Sam Lupin