So I Weighed...

And it wasn't awful. I was 66.0kg on the dot. Actually, I'm quite pleased with that and the not weighing over the weekend was really great motivation. The plan is that I am only going to weigh in one weeks time and I am hoping to be in the 64's. I am not getting ahead of myself, I've given myself 4 months to get back down to 60, so if I'm only 1lb down next week, that's okay. Anyway, so my intake for today has been around 700 which consisted of a lentil soup (130), coffee and tea (60), nut roast (240), avocado salad (150), hot chocolate and ketchup... in fact, it may be closer to 800, but I can deal with 800. I'm not feeling fucked though... like dizzy and shit and I've restricted properly for a week and a half now, so that's positive. Usually the dizziness and weakness kicks in after a couple of days. ANYWAY, so I'm chuffed about that. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Things To Be Proud Of

Today, I have two things to be proud of, so besides the shit storm that is my personal life right now - I will tell you nonetheless. First thing is food related - I was STARVING last night (good, right?), I cracked and had a jacket potato with beans for lunch (600?) so with that, instead of having a big dinner, I had an avocado and rocket salad (150) and some hot chocolate (40). So even though it was a bumpy start, about 800 tops for the day. There was a bad start and then I made the decision to not go further.

The second thing to be proud of today is that I had a strategy meeting with my boss and she has asked me to launch a new series. I'm super excited, not because of the series, but rather because it means that I will be able to tag onto other events (including MEXICO MOTHER FUCKERSSSS!). Anyway, that's exciting and I'm super stoked. I'm really proud that my boss has recognised that I've been busting my ass for the past few months. I'm really happy. I'm wondering if there is a promotion somewhere in the works. I can only be hopeful. 

Anyway, so this is my day. I'm not even thinking about Lukasz anymore, I'm only thinking of my silver linings right now. SILVER LININGS = WORK! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Sometimes, You Gotta Cry

Well, the 'thing' if you can even call it that, with Lukasz has fallen spectacularly to shit. Through the week when we were messaging each other, I had asked him if he could fetch me on the way to the party in Clapham on Friday night. His response was that he had a late meeting and so he couldn't say and that I shouldn't rely on him. I said to him that I only wanted to go at around 8 anyway, so no big deal. But he kept banging on about this 'late meeting', so I kinda left it at about 3pm on Friday saying - you could've just said no, but nevermind I'll see you later. Still hopeful at that point that I was going to get a little action on Friday night. Then as I am getting ready to leave the house to go to the party, Monika sent me a pic of her and Lukasz in full make up on the bus going to the party together. As in - he had fobbed me off and LIED TO ME about this late meeting for the dumbest reason in the world - i.e. that he was going to get ready with Monika - why the lie? Then Monika told him I called him a liar, etc etc. So for Friday, I completely ignored him and have continued to do until this afternoon where I kinda went columbine on his ass on whatsapp, blocked him all over everything - moving right along then. ANYWAY, he obviously knew what he had done and that I knew about it because he hasn't even tried to talk to me. So guess what ladies? I got played. Go. Me. I deserve it for what I did to David. I totally deserve it. 

All this drama has of course been epic motivation for restricting. Friday I had about 600 cals but then like a MILLION in jager and vodka. Yesterday similarly, I must've had about 1500 - consisting of a goats cheese ciabatta, small coffee, insalata tricolore, melazane alla parmigiana, limonchello and a small slice of bread. Millions of calories. Today thus far I have had about 400 calories consisting of a salad and two cups of skinny hot chocolate, a cup of tea... and that's it. I've got a mushroom and stilton nut roast for dinner, SO I should end somewhere around 700/800 depending on how much more hot chocolate I have... it is what helps me starve. 

I've also got laryngitis. AWESOME. 

FUCK THIS WEEKEND IN THE ASS! FUCK. IT!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

On My Case

Yeah, so today has been good - I've had about... 650 calories? Veggie sausages with tomato ketchup, avocado and rocket salad and tomato lentil soup with like - two cups of low cal hot choc. All in all it's totally good and I'm please with it. I still haven't weighed, because the scale is my motivation to not binge this weekend. And that's what I'm going to do. 

David has been on my case the whole day... I hate that I'm hurting him. I feel like a terrible person. :( Kiss from Lukasz tomorrow potentially, although I think he's off me. I deserve it for what I've done to David. 

Sad & Sucky

Xo Xo

I Spoke Too Soon

David got in touch with me last night and he's having a really hard time with our break-up... as much as it fucking kills me... I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. I think... maybe this is how Roy felt about me - like the JUST. GET. OUT. OF. MY. LIFE. I mean, fuck. David is messed up. Did Roy not care at all? Was I just a pit stop for him... the way that David was a pitstop for me? Shit balls dudes, it's such a fucking hectic thing to think about. I can see how he'd do the back and forth thing with me, because even while David was falling apart I didn't feel anything except regret. Regret for having hurt him and regret for not having broken up with him before things got the way that they did. He said he had never loved anyone as much as he loves me. Am I Roy in this situation? I think I have to make sure that I don't go further down the Roy-hole and not fuck him around and continue to hurt him the way that Roy hurt me. Fuck, this sucks. 

Anyway, Lukasz is the sweetest thing in the world. He bakes, he plays volleyball, he cuddles like a champ. I am so looking forward to Friday... I'm actually kinda nervous. 

Also, why the fuck is Lady GaGa so chunky these days? Like, is it because she likes it or is it because she's all "born this way" bullshit and feels like she is compelled to be NOT flawless. You know?

I've had about 850 cals today (not great). My win however was that I had a salad at an italian restaurant for a team lunch - insalata tricolore, tomato, leaves, avo and mozzarella (I'm guessing about 500, there was a lot of cheese), two veggie sausages (200) and like 2 cups of low-cal hot choc. Not the worst day known to mankind, but hoping for a smooth 700 tomorrow. Haven't weighed. My goal is to behave this weekend and weigh on Monday somewhere around 67. Here's to hoping. I can't be fat if Lukasz is going to see me naked - 'na'd I mean. 

Love & Oh-Oh-Oh

Xo Xo