Friday, August 26, 2011

Mincing Words... Like a FAT PIG!

Oink! Fucking OINK!

I was doing so well yesterday... I had about 600 calories total and that was at the end of the day. And then came the phonecall from my friend and I started nibbling on the phone. A chunk of baguette with cottage cheese (CHEESE!) and about 3 tablespoons of peanut butter. WAY over 1000 calories. FAT motherfucken' PIG! It's almost 3pm now and I haven't eaten a thing so far. I am sick, so I probably shouldn't fast. I will only eat if my boyfriend notices. He has become increasingly suspicious of me not eating. And there really is only a certain number of times you can say 'I had a huge lunch just before you came home.'

My thinspo of the day is Victoria Beckham. Because she has had children, popping on out shortly and she is always so skinny. And so chic as well. I wish I could wear what she does. The nobbly bits on my colar bones are starting to stick out. I am very proud and impressed. If I lift my arms I can see my ribs. So much nasty fat
there though. I have an issue with my stomach that it canvasses fat and just won't fucking let go of it. It's like
this tyre around my waist that just won't fuck off. I can't do any exercise, like cardio, because I'm sick, so I have been lifting weights, but I feel quite weak, although with the feast that I had yesterday I don't understand why I am STILL feeling weak.

I used to blog on when I was coming down from a much higher weight. But now that I am slim, people are telling me that I am ungrateful for my weightloss. As if weighing a nice fat 147lbs is something to be proud of? I have tried every crash diet under the sun, I have also tried every diet that claims to work. The diet that actually helped me lose weight was to stop eating. I went through a difficult break up last year and I didn't eat for two months. I lost about 30lbs. Of which I put on some of it. Fucking pig. I have tried eating 'healthy' foods and cutting down calories to 1500 per day. I have 
tried excessive exercise with a normal diet. I have tried atkins, dukan, the zone - all of that shit. The only one that actually worked was ABC. I don't want to cut my intake as drastically as the ABC, because I need to focus at school - this is my last year and little food makes it difficult to concentrate. Also, it is impossible to fast with my family and boyfriend looking over my shoulder all the time.

I recently discovered the Ballerina Diet. Because I am tall enough to pass for one (the only thing I like about my looks, is that I am tall). Basically, you eat a lot of soup (duh.) and all your portions that you want to eat - you cut in half. So only eating half of what you originally wanted. No sugar or fats. And lots and lots of green tea. I do lie green tea, the caffeine makes me shaky and nauseous though, so I have to watch it.

I am totally going to start this diet from tomorrow, because today is my fasting day. My bestfriend is getting increasingly annoyed with my weight
loss, because she has always been thinner than me and she has also been
 the goal weight that I want of 131lbs (UGW 121lbs). She's getting irritated with me, because while I am getting thinner - she is just getting bigger. I don't like to think of it as fat, because she is my friend and I love her. Fat is such a loaded word and I am fat and I hate myself. I don't want to put that on her. HAHA I just yawn and put my hands on my ribcage and I can feel the individual ribs without having to push too hard.

I am trying to be so good and not measure myself until I get my new scale, which I bought online yesterday. I wonder when it will arrive... I CAN'T wait. So I thought, i'd be really good and not measure myself and eat soooo little (just enough to not pass out/stay alive) and then measure myself and weigh myself all at the same time. Hopefully I will be down to 140lbs by then. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

In other news, my legs no longer touch when I stand. I also noticed
that I have the most horrible flabby disgusting PIGGY fatty bits in my inner thighs ever. I have been sitting with a ... ball thing between my legs for almost an hour now squeezing my legs together - apparently this helps to tone the inner thighs, but I know the only way to get rid of that disgusting PIGFAT is to cut at least another 200 calories. Not to mention my arms.

Every weekend I have the same dillema, because I don't really go anywhere besides varsity during the week and even then I wear baggy jeans and hoodies, because it's early in the morning so who gives a shit. But on weekends when I go out I need to look as skinny as possible. And I always feel a little bit bummed if none of my friends notice if I have lost weight. I bet they are fucking jealous that's why.

Anyway, I guess that is all for my rant for now. Fingers crossed that my fasting day goes well. It's been a while since I last fasted and my stomach is already making crazy noises. I like the noises though. And it's a really cool feeling. Like a little fatty thing dying in there. Haha, fuck you stomach. I'm in charge! Peace out! X

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