I fucked up. Yesterday, I was at home thinking about the Colbey situation and specifically about the fact that I didn't respond to the last text that he sent me, which was the nail in the coffin text. I just blocked his number and his facebook. Like, just cut him off. Yesterday, I was feeling in a strong-ish place and so I sent him a message saying that I was sorry for not replying, but I couldn't deal. That I wished him luck with his vibes and goodbye.
He sent me a text back saying he was the one who fucked up and that he was sorry he dealt with it the way he did. I replied to him saying that it was okay, I probably should have listened but that I was going to block his number because I didn't want to tempt myself to drunk dial him like I always do (LIKE I FUCKING ALWAYS DO WITH MEN - IT IS A FUCKING DISEASE!).
He replied saying that he was sad to hear that, but that he understood and that he'd miss my drunk dials (at this point I started crying a little), but that I should do what I needed to do. I replied saying: "I really don't want to, but you're such a butthead."
He replied saying: "Buttchin" - he has this weird dimple in his chin, I used to tease him about it. Then saying that he knows, that he is sorry but that law of probability states that it is unlikely that he would be a butthead forever. That I was awesome and pretty, and that I was very skilled at licking noses (I used to do this to him - lick his nose while we were lying in bed - don't ask.) (At this point, I'm starting to get confused, because WHY IS HE BEING AFFECTIONATE!?)
I replied saying that law of constant composition says that all things will always have the same elemental composition.
He replied saying that caterpillars when they cocoon turn into goo and then reform as a butterfly, but that they had all the memories of when they were a caterpillar.
I replied saying referencing a conversation we had had previously about us not being fully aware of the properties of energy in this world.
He didn't reply.
And then I fucking fucked up. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to come over tonight and "not talk" - if you know what I mean. And just like that my resolve over the past week has been shot to shit and I've just handed over the power back to him.
He has not replied. That was last night at 9pm, it is now midday.
When am I going to learn that no one gives a shit about my feelings and that when someone says they don't want me, I just can't change their mind. So I'm not going to text him, he won't reply. He doesn't want me. I can live without him. I can handle this, I can handle this, I can handle this.
Peace & Fucking Love