If I'm completely honest with myself, I don't really ever have my disorders under control, despite me thinking that I do. If I'm completely honest with myself, my attitude to and relationship with food is just as bad as it was before, maybe worse now because those behaviours are so engrained in me that I don't even consider them strange. So engrained that I have no problem telling people about them if they ask.
I'd like to think that they've got better over the years though as I've tried to manage them. I don't purge anymore like at all ever. I also don't starve myself for days at a time anymore aka the beloved fast. I haven't fasted in ages. Well, not intentionally. Although I frequently skip meals still.
(I'm on the tube right now writing this and someone around me has the most STANK garlic breathe, my eyes are watering as I write this... if there is someone in the carriage with gross ass garlic breathe, I somehow will find them.)
I don't write my calories down anymore, although I always 'know' (anyone with an ED always 'knows'). I don't weigh myself more than once a day. I don't weigh myself on days when I know it's heavier, because I think most importantly for me, I don't hate myself if I slip up. I have realised that I can just be better tomorrow and that it isn't the end of the world.
I think the most important thing though is about my binges. They are rarely as bad as they used to be and very infrequently. If I binge, it'll be a 3000 calorie day rather than a 10000 calorie day. I can recognise that I don't need all the food in the world to satisfy my binge. I think that's a win.
Since it's December I'm starting to reflect and this year was the first year I set real goals for myself, rather than vague ones. And I've achieved them mostly. So I want to do the same in 2017.
The year of Piggy. It's getting better I think...
Peace & Love
Xo Xo
No comments:
Post a Comment