So now I am literally stressing balls about my visa expiring in March. I have always known that I would need to sort my indefinite leave to remain out, but now I've managed to convince myself that I am going to get rejected and sent back to South Africa. The thought is in fact too horrible to even deal with. So, all-in-all, I am now trying to make sure that if that happens I am making all the necessary preparations.
Either making peace with the fact that I am going to die in South Africa - honestly, this thought is too horrible to bear. Or trying to make an alternative arrangement so I can go from here to anywhere else. Literally. I will go anywhere. ANYWHERE. Maybe I can sell myself as a mail order bride?
I don't know how this kind of anxiety seems to plague me the worst over Christmas - last year it was the fact that I was broke, and Colbey. The year before that it was that I had been cornered by a coworker at the Christmas party - who was also the financial director, for allegedly talking behind her back, which I did not. I just fucking hate this shit. Every year.
I just have to make it till the 26th and then Chris is coming to stay and he will distract me. And then in the New Year, I need to start prepping these forms. If I'm being proactive, it should just about work to calm the anxiety.
The positive about it is that I am so anxious, I feel nauseous all the time so I don't want to eat. The negative is that I am now on holiday for the year and this means I can drink through my anxiety and once I'm drunk, I just want to eat ribs. It's disgusting. I feel disgusting.
Yesterday I had about 850 cals, but did an intense yoga class. This consisted of a mince pie, some sushi, two skinny hot chocolates and many, many coffees.
Today, I've had a large skinny latte (140), an apple (60), a banana (80) and I'm gonna get some soup for later or something. Get into bed and not leave. Ever.
I just hate this time of year.
Peace & Love