Monday, December 5, 2016

Let The Games Begin

Chris spent the weekend here... he arrived on Friday evening (including dinner) and stayed until this afternoon (Monday) - no meals today. I cooked almost every meal for us... kinda. 

I didn't go overboard on any of these days and although I haven't weighed myself accurately, because it is difficult to weigh yourself inconspicuously when there's company, I estimate my weight to be in the mid-64'. (Remember, we are aiming to get back down to 60-flat, LOLz because this changes every day. Moving goal posts much?) ANYWAY, so I'm pleased about that. 

So, the games to which I refer are the eating disordered, attention seeking games. I didn't eat very much when he was here. And frowned upon his sugar-filled snack choices. I probably did around 1000 cals a day while he was here, which again - is quite a bit by ED standards. But that aside. 

The games - I know it's totally fucked up, but I WANT him to notice that I'm eating far less than a normal person would, than he would. On Sunday, I went to yoga and he went climbing, I made tacos when I got back - he had four. I had one. I estimate that these have about 300 cals (MAX) in them (probably closer to 250). He remarked 'is that all you're eating, ONE taco?' - I responded, 'yes, I'm getting back, I've gained 4kgs this year, it's not okay.' 

Now strictly, this is not true, but it is. In the summer I got down to 61.4kg, which was only for a day and I was in the 65's last week, so technically it is true. The part that isn't true is that I started this year at around 72kgs after gaining a ton. 

ANYWAY, the point is that it's totally fucked up that I wanted to get down to 58kgs SO badly, so that he can comment that I've lost weight, or that I'm really thin or that I don't eat enough (WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP!?). I am dying, ACHING for someone to tell me that I'm too thin again. I would kill to be called too thin. Or for someone to call me skinny and to actually believe it. 

So it's less than three months in with this guy and already my insecurities are playing havoc with me. This eating disorder really does crop up at the weirdest time... And it's two-fold, like it was with Roy. One the one hand, Chris has a really amazing body (I'm not exaggerating this point, he has like a ten pack) and on the other, I want to look good next to him/not look like his chubby girlfriend. SIDENOTE: We haven't DTF'd (defined the relationship) - i.e. I'm not his girlfriend. 

Also, I've been doing yoga properly for a month now and I've got to make the decision tomorrow to commit to a 12 month contract at the studio, which I can't cancel. SO, I also want to be very good at yoga, but this will be a conscious decision on my part to commit my time to doing it, which I have been doing and I would like to continue to do this. My goal has been two classes a week, which I have met so far and will continue to meet in the future. 

Anyway, so there you go. I'm playing eating disordered games with the new guy. It is ridiculous and I know it is, and somehow I can't seem to stop myself. 

So it looks like my goal is 58kg. Who'd have thought?

Everyone reading this. 

I know, right?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

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