Thinking Out Loud In December

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post or rather what the point of it is... I've just been thinking a lot about my life and my goals, and the types of things that I am focusing my energy on. I dunno, maybe this is just thinking out loud. 

As we know, I love a list... 

1. Yoga: This has been taking up a lot of my brain space at the moment, mostly because I have to commit £99 a month to a contract with this for a year and that's a lot of money when I'm trying to save. The other impact that this has on my life is that if I want to commit the time to doing this, I can't booze as much as I used to, not only because of the cost involved, but also - being hungover is not something that will fit in with this. I really want to become really good at it and to be able to do cool inversions, and more than that - it is important to me that I start looking after my body properly and not being a crumpled up old lady. I haven't smoked since the 12th of November (basically, only once since Halloween ) and it important to me that this keeps happening. 

Bringing me to #2...

2. My friends: I need to have a swift conversation with my friends and family within my social circle that I want to commit to not smoking, yoga and not drinking much. This is important and I feel like I have in some ways socially isolated myself for the past few months, because I feel like they're not supportive of the things that I want to do. So I'm going to start having these conversations with them. About wanting to do cheap things, that don't involve alcohol. And that they need to get on board with this, because it is my focus. 

3. Chris: I'm not sure about him, I'm never sure about them. I worry that he wants someone who wants marriage, or wants to let him be a lad. I'm not and I don't. Not that he wants to marry me, I say 'marriage' more as a statement of normal values which I do not possess. It's way too soon to think about these things, and I accept this. There is something else which is kinda minor, I will get to that in a later post. 

4. My side project: I have been doing some work on this, but it is in no way close to completion and I really need to start prioritising this in my life. This is all part of the same thing really i.e. relating to points 1 & 2. 

5. My weight/looks: I just need to be at a stable weight, a stable, thin weight. I need to be between 60 and 62kgs consistently for a sustained period of time, with a diet worked out that will allow me to stay there without too much energy being consumed by this. I'm back into the swong of the ED, and I don't like being here. I was 64.3kg this morning. So once I'm back below 62, I can figure it out. I think that once I am there, I am going to aim to add calories to my diet gradually to try and work out where it's meant to be to promote maintenance. I'm not 'starving' myself right now, but it's just enough restriction that the weight is coming off. I think I'm between 1000 - 1200 cals a day currently. 

6. Willpower: I bought a slab of dark chocolate (I have Seasonal Affected Disorder, so am trying to eat foods which promote seratonin production and dark chocolate is one of them) and it has 10 pieces as part of the slab. My goal for the week is to allow myself to eat 2 of these pieces a day as a treat and to make the slab last to the end of the week, because I have willpower and I CAN DO THIS. 

So that's kinda it. 

I went to yoga today, it was lovely. I did a shoulder stand in class last night, so have already been twice this week and it feels really good. So I'm gonna go tomorrow because I like the Wednesday night class. I think I can see that I'm getting better at some of it. 

Otherwise, I had avocado on 2 slice of toast for breakfast, two yoghurt pots, a banana, dark chocolate and a hot chocolate so far today. My estimation for that is 800 thus far. I really should stop, but hey. I'm gonna make a sweet potato hash for dinner and call it a night. 

Go team. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

** UPDATE: I ate the whole block of chocolate. Cuz I have willpower, right? Who the fuck am I kidding. Chris hasn't texted me today, so I texted him. I got two lines of response and then nothing. He's not into me anymore, I'm sure of it. Why would he be?  **