Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I know I suck...

I must really apologise for not posting more. My god, I have been so bad at it this month. I don't know what's going on with me at the moment. I'm just in such a weird place... Mentally. I don't know. I wouldn't say that I am in a bad place. It's just weird. I've gotten to a point where I've realised that ana will be with me for the rest of my life - because there is no way I'm ever going to be alright. Strangely, I'm okay with it. I mean, I know there are those days where you just kinda throw a bit of a conniption about it - like why the fuck am I so fucked up!? Why can't I just eat like normal people - why is my weight just never going to be okay with me. But I think I've gotten past that point now. I spent the entire tube to work and the way home standing and today was quite warm so I'm wearing a short sleeve top - the entire way there and back I watched my arm that I was holding on with - and everyone around me to see if they were staring at my fat disgusting arm. I suppose this is just... an ana-girl problem? That aside I've not lost or gained despite eating really uncontrollably... which is weird. Like I mean it - I've been eating a lot. Anyway, I'm still hovering in the 63's. I think that this is the week where I can finally get down to the 62's and hover there for a little while. 

In other news - my German is perfect. He is just the most amazing man - I put a pic below... oh him trying to be John Wayne with his water gun. Such a goofball... Have I mentioned that he's a phd in wind energy research? I am freaking the fuck out though, because at some point I am going to have to tell him all of these things - the borderline, the suicides, the family history, ana, mia, the cutting, the shit with my ex... I'm so scared that he will turn around and just what to GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. I mean. He thinks I am so perfect and he doesn't hesitate to tell me this on a daily basis. About how beautiful, smart... thin he thinks I am. But I'm not. I'm just me and I'm flawed and broken. It's just really scary. I think I need to just... But I don't want to. Joe messaged me yesterday completely out of the blue. We haven't spoken in over two months... he messaged me to tell me that he missed me. Don't even get me fucking started on that. For the record, I'm not having a bad time. I'm just feeling very strange. At the moment. Strange.

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo


ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

oh well
we all have those months
ana is an ass.
eating is good. eat uncontrollably forever and we can be happy forever ok
omg give me 63 ok
give me 64 or 65 i'm 68.6 man thats not cool
wind energy??? what the fuck is that
oh so hes me with more balls ok
huh. well, you can always work at it at your own pace, love. if you want to tell him, do. if you don't want to, then you don't have to for now. just work at it, honey.

-Sam Lupin

Skylar Rainn said...

You seem to have bagged yourself something you want but it's like you don't trust yourself, you don't really trust anyone. I told my boyfriend everything at like 3 months (deep but not too deep) and that was because I was hammered and went total anxious-psycho bitch haha. If he cares about you, he won't run a mile xxx

Ashley Nichole said...

Our little flaws make us wonderful! You're wonderful.

katie williams said...

I know what you mean about being in a weird place but it doesn't quite qualify as 'bad' per say.

I'm in that place right now. Kind of like floating and just wanting some definite human emotion rather than these whispers.

I think it is a dangerous trap tostart imagining all your life just living with an ED. I'm not saying I don't do it. I did it this evening. Sometimes you begin to wonder whether recovery is just living alongside your ED. But I think it is important to never think it isn't possible. Maybe it just takes some revelation one day to prove it is possible and is what you WANT.

Hope you feel 'better' if that's the right word.

BTW your german is hot!


Anna Stone said...

Flawed and broken = beautiful. Normal people are a drag. Okay, maybe it's better to be less fucked up than I. But there is a certain amount of fucked-upness that is attractive, especially to other fucked up people. And there are times I don't want to be a "normal" person, I find their conversations menial, their lives boring, their friends lame. So maybe you can embrace being broken as a good thing? It's far better than ignorant, that's for sure.

I often feel the same, that my mind is ana-for-life, and will never change. Sometimes I'm okay with that, sometimes I am not. Either way, being healthy is important. Being happy is important. Even if your thinking and habits are off forever, if you keep steering them towards healthy, things can work out. That's what I've been telling myself.

And thumbs up on the German. I'm dating one myself, first generation in the states, and mhmm they are yummy! Don't fret the heavy stuff yet, it'll come when it's time, just enjoy what you have right now and deal with the rest later. If it's meant to be, it will be, regardless of your issues, love.

Stay strong :)