I had a very interesting conversation with my sister the other day, which wasn't so much a revelation about myself rather than me actually being honest about myself... to myself. Basically, I think I am an attention addict. And before I go into what that actually means for me, I suppose the most obvious place to start is WHY. Firstly, I mean maybe this is a personality trait of all borderlines, but I was a fat kid - not fat, but just being tall and being a bit chubby, it sucked major donkey balls to be this huge hulking person, because let's face it: if you are tall and normal sized, you are still like twice the size of your petite friends and for me - all my friends were petite. As were all the women in my family. An enormous hulking female. This also stemmed from the fact that I felt that my sister got more attention than I did. And more of the kind of attention that I wanted. Girly, pretty attention. I was always the puzzler, the academic. The smart one. The one that was always friends with the boys, but who was never dated by the boys. I think being like that you seem to have some semblance sometimes of how to get attention. Whether it is learning to be super loud (like me) or super intelligent (like me), or super funny (like me) - basically - learning to have other things about yourself be attractive or impressive to people so that at least you can get some kind of attention. To result of this stemming for such a young age is that I had like NO friends in school. Look. Not none. But I wasn't popular. I wasn't good at sport, I was too obnoxious and opinionated. I am a loner and I always have been. So that's how I learned to get attention. Then I learned when I left school that I could get attention by being the awesome drunk party girl and people loved (and still do love) to party with me, because I am a little bit crazy and a lot of fun. I am fun enough to dip your toe into every once and a while, but too crazy for close normal friendships. All of my friends are unique and weird, like me.
And then you get older and you learn that there are ways that you can get attention which may be slightly more destructive, but they are still really good ways of doing that. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Suicide, cutting, starving. All of these things in one way or another are my manifestation of the kind of person that I want to be. Which is fucking cool. I think I just want to be the girl that everyone likes, that everyone wants to be friends with and who is just the perfect person - smart, tall, thin and awesome generally. Suicide - I can't deal with the embarrassment of failing out of varisty - I can't deal with the shame of losing my perfect boyfriend that I was so happy with - failure doesn't happen to perfect people. Cutting - I feel no pain. This is the pain that is real and I can deal with this pain. I am a rock. Impervious. Starving - because perfect people don't leave footprints. They don't have rolls of fat and they don't have cellulite. They have every single person's attention when they walk into a room, because they are the most amazing and the most beautiful and perfect.
Losing that attention is the worst kind of humiliation that an attention addict can ever feel, because it says to you constantly: YOU. ARE. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. Maybe we all have an obsession with perfection and maybe I am paralised by the fear of not being the absolutely best at absolutely everything. And no, I don't think that this is me being too hard on myself, because the attention that I want is pure admiration, I want people to look at me and go: fuck. She has her shit together. And she looks good doing it. I don't want people to come to my flat, because I am ashamed that it is too small or that they won't think I'm tidy enough or glamourous enough.
Hi, my name is Fat Piggy and I'm an attention addict.
Peace & Love