Monday, February 10, 2014

What The Sodding Fuck Have I Done?

I spoke to Roy... last night for five hours. And we spoke about everything, like... EVERYTHING. The fights we used to get into which were all too often physical, the crazy sex and drugs, the suicide, the pregnancy, the new girl who he refers to as the other who is is kinda separated from, but not quite. All. Of. It. And what was so fantastic is that I didn't feel anything talking about it. There was no anger, no hurt, no love. Just nothing. I felt so free. Then he started talking to me like he used to... like somehow he'd forgotten all the awful things that happened and... it was like nothing had happened. Today, I was completely distracted by it at work, not least of which because I am severely jet lagged still and unable to sleep. On the plus side, when I weighed this morning I was 63.4kg. Which is fabulous. Hoping for below 62 tomorrow. I feel like such an idiot about this Roy thing. He wanted to talk today... but I'm not going to... It will take me all of five minutes to fall madly in love with him again (if I ever stopped). I mean. The reality is that even though it's gone now he's still a completely awesome person... not like. AWESOME, but my kind of person and we get on well and it won't be long... He apologised for being an asshole and explained his shit with hindsight.. I did the same. Yeah - well I suppose it was cathartic in a way. Anyway. No more distractions or friendly chats with Roy. 

I'm so tired. I need to get sleep tonight or I'm going to lose my mind. 

Exhaustion & Emotion
Xo Xo


Katie Elizabeth said...

Oh hunny, why would you do that? I hope this doesn't come off mean because that's not my intention, but after all the shit he put you through, you don't need to be falling back in love with him. I know he apologized, and that's great, but please don't get yourself into something that you'll regret later down the road. Sending you my love.

shesinmyhead said...

Don't hate yourself for wanting and getting some closure. I'm sure it could be a very healthy thing in helping you move on. Just don't let it suck you back in to old feelings or thoughts. Stay strong, which it sounds like you are, and let it end there. Good luck :)